Not today Justin

#extradirty
occasionally subtle
The Stonewall Inn
RMH
trying on a metaphor
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YOU ARE THE REASON
d e v o n
NASA
Sweet Seals For You, Always
hello vonnie
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
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Jar Jar Binks Fan Club
Stranger Things
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Claire Keane

Discoholic šŖ©

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@supermanx25
āThe past doesnāt need you anymore. Your future does.ā
ā Unknown
āI prefer nothing, unless it is true.ā
ā Socrates, Platoās Euthyphro (via fyp-philosophy)
I find peopleās lack of depth really disappointing
Forgive yourself for all the wrong things you did just to be loved.
* feel loved
I want to be able to hit a workout with a girl, get or cook some good vegan food then play a game of chess while smoking weed
I find a way. Every single time.
There's things I wanna say to you
but I'll just let you live
I gotta stay busy. If I donāt I get myself in to trouble I almost canāt trust myself. Iām seeing how important choices and where your choices can take you. You can choose to indulge in pleasure and in sin and that leads you to so much suffering. You can choose hard work and discipline and that leads to a smooth and peaceful life filled with luxury.
āDonāt cry for the person who hurts you. Smile and say, āthanks for giving me the chance to find someone better than youā.ā
ā Unknown
Iām worthy of love. Iām worthy of devotion. Iām worthy of being chosen. Gotta change my perspective completely bc Iāve been getting stuck in the loop of thinking of her and reminiscing in an unhealthy way. She was a shitty person who gave me chlamydia. Why should I be stuck on her? Iām moving in to someone more sweet
So Iāve been thinking about her quite a bit. Really bc it was this time of year that I fell for her (really fell for her lies and manipulation). The 21st is when she confessed to me and Iāve been thinking about what happened. I guess part of me is still trying to wrap my head around wtf happened, and wishing I had more answers for why she did it. I really liked her. I think I fell in love with her. Of course I would never say I loved her. I feel like love is an emotion where you have to trust and feel safe with a person. When I say fell, itās like I tripped. I shouldāve been paying attention to where I was going. And itās not a good thing that it happened. I donāt see her as a good thing. I see her as a selfish and messed up person. Sheās okay with using people for what she wants out of them. Me? Fun⦠experience⦠experimenting. Him? Stabilityā¦. Lifestyleā¦. School ā¦.. money. But sheās so careless with the pain she causes people. My fragile heart, couldnāt she see just how she was tearing it apart. Esp when I told her how it was making me feel crazy, that I was falling for her and having to remember that she has a husband and that it wouldnāt go anywhere. She doesnāt know the tears I cried for her when my heart broke knowing she chose him over me. She doesnāt know the pain I carried and still carry deep inside, being treated in such a careless way. But there is one good thing I see in all of this. Realizing what I deserve. Another clear perspective of red flags and hoe behavior lol. A part of me does wish I could erase her. Because Iāve been so stuck on her. That I start to think and feel for sure that I really must have OCD the compulsive thoughts that just replay and replay and replay. Canāt stop thinking about her, our kisses, our talks, that night and all over again. I wish I could throw it all in the trash. I feel like it really meant nothing to her except some fun. When to me I look at pictures of her and it makes me pause. And feel something in my chest. I miss the feeling more than I miss what a scummy person she was lol I miss feeling so wanted. Feeling a special bond to someone. Feeling magnetic electricity even just brushing fingers and looking at each other. One day Iāll get that. One day Iāll have a girl worth my time. Worth my energy. And Iāll know. It will be when Iām ready quite honestly. I havenāt been ready. Iāve got too many other things taking up my time and energy and my worries. I canāt put another thing to stress about on top of my other worries Iāve already got. Iāll know sheās meant for me when she really cares about me. Sheās sweet and doesnāt violate my boundaries. She treats me with respect the way I respect her. She sticks up for me the way I stick up for her. She has my back, she doesnāt let me wonder. She holds me if I cry, she doesnāt make me feel alone. She doesnāt psychologically torture me ( lol thinking of when jazmyne shut down on me and wouldnāt tell me what was wrong then guilt tripped me into sex). Sheās gentle. And Iām the only one in the picture. Sheās a one person at a time kind of girl. And actually really smart like shit going on in her head. Good convos and oooh exercising together. Just miles and miles of running together. Thatās how we bond.
I had a dream last night, there was a girl I was really into. She was my height, had gorgeous like dirty blonde hair, and light hazel/green eyes. And she had a nice ass lol. But she said something about how her life purpose aligns with mine and thatās what really made me like her. That we had very similar mindsets and goals. Also she was vegan and 34 years old? Idk itās kinda hazy trying to recall it now. Idk tho dude I feel so down and depressed. Feel so quiet and lonely. I need better friends I think.
When I think - damn I wasted so much money on that girl - and pause and think - not nearly as much as he has š Jesus fucking Christ lol