(+61): I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway.
(217): I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
(731): Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
(214): The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people.
(978): People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex.
(620): He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
(865): You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
(646): Our relationship is perfect. 90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching.
(503): Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
(801): Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
(989): Can I just go to one establishment in which I havenāt banged anyone?
(610): He got punched in the face last night? By who? Iāll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
(+61): Iām slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me.
(915): Youāve changed since you got that strap on.
(440): I would say donāt do anything I wouldnāt do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line.
(248): Like if Ohio doesnāt think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong.
(403): I can feel your judgement through the phone.
(727): Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
(714): Basically I think Iām replacing men/sex with theme parks.
(403): Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in.
(631): I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into. If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is.
(620): If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
(610): I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. ITāS SAFE AND WORKS.
(248): I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
(763): My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish."
(603): Letās face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet.
(260): Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette.
(630): For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
(718): He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
(312): He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off.
(770): I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
(801): Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
(585): He called me kiddo. We can't have sex.
(978): You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing.
(281): Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
(832): Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
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