Finding Oneself

Young gay New Yorker sharing insights and experiences based on what happens day by day, so other newfound gays won't be alone in the struggles and blessings of being gay in this world.

[supreme-deeoh-blog]

Coming out is one of the hardest things gays have to deal with, but when we dofinally build up the courage, it becomes a very empowering experience. Of course, I am only speaking from my own experiences and want to make it clear that not everyone will have the same ones, and am writing these posts to shed light on possible outcomes.

In the first part of this post posted a few months ago, I discussed my coming out to my mother and the love and support I received. To give a quick update, her and I are closer than we've ever been and I am eternally grateful for being able to get closer to my mother. A few weeks ago I brought her to her very first drag show, and she absolutely LOVED it. The show was in a bar/club in New York called "Industry" and the show featured four very talented drag queens: Holly Dae (pictured below), Brenda Dharling, Bob the Drag Queen, and Pixie Aventura. FYI if you're visiting or from New York, their show is on Thursdays at 12 at Industry, you'll definitely have a great time.

A few days after the show, I received a call from my dad and we started talking about relationships and the question came "when are you getting a girlfriend?" At that point I knew it was time to share the truth because I then would have been lying to my dad, which was something I have never done. I replied firmly with "I'm not getting a girlfriend" to which he jokingly asked "What so you're going to get a boyfriend?" He wasn’t getting it and so I shrugged and said "all things are possible." This whole conversation was happening via Skype, so I was able to view his facial expressions, which were a bit confused and he asked if I was kidding and I obviously told him I wasn’t. He looked very defeated, which wasn’t my intention, but it had to be done.  His main concern was that he won't get have any grandchildren since I'm an only child, and I had to repeatedly tell him that I do intend on having children that are genetically mine and I think he finally got it. In the end of the conversation he told me that he is not ashamed of me and that I will always be his number one love, and decided to share the news with his family.

 A day or so after I came out to my dad, he called me and told me he spoke to my uncle, aunt, and grandfather. Their responses helped give me faith in the power of love. My uncle simply replied "so?" when my dad told him. My aunt said she already knew even though I didn’t tell her, she probably caught on to my bitchy style of comedy. Finally, my grandfather had the best response, he told my dad that he was extremely happy to hear that and he's extremely happy I'm extremely happy and expressed how much he loves and misses me (because he lives in South Carolina). My grandfather's reaction was the most comforting but most surprising one because I was under the impression my grandfather wasn’t very fond of gays, but I guess it's different when it's someone close to your heart.

Now that I'm out to both my parents, nothing else matters. I don’t care if I get some family members from either side that don’t approve because I know I have my parents and additional family members at my side.

Be brave, my loves, coming out to your family will show courage and if you know your family well enough then you'll already know the outcome. Keep that in mind and remember to always love yourself. To quote RuPaul "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else"

[supreme-deeoh-blog]

Finding An Entrance

One year ago today I made my official entrance to the LGBT community as a gay man. It was a move I was afraid to make because of the fear of being viewed as a pariah, but realized that life is about taking risks. I walked into Boxers HK (Hell's Kitchen) for the second time, the first being for Pride 2013 and still believing I wasn’t gay (talk about irony) and sat at the bar not really knowing what to expect. The only thing that I did expect to see were the hot bartenders wearing nothing but you guessed it, boxer shorts. I knew that wasn’t going to change, the crowd, however, would be different since it was a Wednesday in the winter as opposed to Pride weekend. As I was finishing my first drink and absorbing the scene, I made my first gay friend that wasn't introduced to me by someone else, my friend, AC. Speaking to him was so comfortable and inspiring because this was someone who was comfortable with himself and didn't care what the rest of the bar thought. That friendship was the start of something great. I went back every other day after that to meet AC, who was a friend to most if not all of the bartenders, and our bond started when Drunk in Love by Beyoncé came on and we occupied the open space. My shell cracked and I then began to accept who I am.  

  After a week of hanging out at the bar with AC, he celebrated my 23rd birthday with me, which as usual we had a blast. A year later and I still go to the bar and I'm still friends with AC even though I don't see him as often as I used to. So if you're ever worried that you'll have trouble finding friends upon discovering who you are, take risks and venture into the unknown. 

  If you're in or from New York, I would highly recommend Boxers HK for anyone new to the gay scene. There is always someone there for you. You can walk into the bar not expecting to make new friends and a few drinks later you will be either going out to the next spot with your new friend or collecting their number to go out another night. The music there is a little club-like, but earlier in the night its more top 40s or if you're there on a Thursday, they will play music from the 70s to the early 2000s (Throwback Thursday), not to mention their 2 for 1 specials on Monday through Fridays. Ok, I'm done trying to convince you to go to this bar… What I'm trying to say is that you will always meet someone new there and will not regret it. Throughout the year, I met a large amount of my very close friends there, one or two through AC, the rest were from me just making the effort to make new friends and expand my support system.

[supreme-deeoh-blog]

Friends are the best support when you’re coming out. If they too are gay, it’ll be easier for them to console you as you gain the strength to come out to your family since it’s likely they went through it. Even your straight friends that couldn’t understand what you’re going through due to lack of experience would at least try to understand and sympathize with you.

[supreme-deeoh-blog]

Finding A Way Out

My life has currently taken a turn for the best. It all started a few weeks ago when I forcibly came out to my mom. After many years of wondering why there weren’t any women in my life aside from my friends, it all made sense to her. I had no reason to be afraid because I knew what her thoughts of homosexuality were, and I knew she would be ok with it yet I couldn’t find it in myself to tell her. When she finally found out, she just said “ok, I don’t see why you felt the need to hide it. You know I don’t have a problem with gays,” which after she said that, I felt a huge weight get lifted off my shoulders. Upon voicing her opinion, it was then brought to my attention that I have to tell my dad as soon as possible, to which my mother said would result in him freaking out. I don’t want my relationship with my father to be estranged, but if he has a problem with who and what I am then it will be best for me to keep my distance. After all, I have nothing to feel guilty of, and I have grown happy to be who I am.

My relationship with my mother has improved greatly since she got married to her dick husband; so much that I was even comfortable with bringing her to Boxers (the bar I regularly attend) to meet my friends. She had a blast and my friends loved her. My friend Brandon even nicknamed her “Mama T,” which is starting to stick with the rest of my group. I’m even planning on bringing her to a drag show in Hell’s Kitchen some time after Christmas. I know I won’t be able to have that kind of relationship with my dad when he finds out, but I hope he at least can talk to me about what’s going on in my life, such as relationships or potential boyfriends.

Before my mother finding out about my being gay, I was faced with another obstacle, which was finding a way to tell my best friend who I think of as a brother. People would think that it’s easier to tell someone they really trust, but it’s not when that person makes homophobic remarks. He confronted me about it and I recently discovered that he found out when he saw a photo of my friend and I at the bar; he wasn’t mad at me for being gay, but disappointed because I didn’t tell him. I was very relieved when I saw he was ok with it. He just came back from Italy to be with his wife as she gave birth to their second child and I was glad to see that he was acting as if nothing happened.

The next step after coming out to my dad will be to come out to the rest of my family; to my surprise, my grandmother was the one to have my mom confront me about being gay and she told her that my being gay doesn’t change the amount of love she has for me because I am still her grandson. It was good to know that I’ll have my grandmother’s support in my efforts to discover who I am. I’m curious as to how the rest of my family will react.

Happy Holidays, my darlings! Be safe and spread love.