maya

she/her

[surbls]

` я селезёнка | майя 🧷🦢 [i'm the spleen | maya]

— нежно люблю фандомы: ганнибал ; дьявольский судья ; слабый герой ; гарри поттер ; голодные игры ; монстр

— любительски перевожу (#translated by me) и изредко хэдканоню в тгк

— молчаливые репосты и восклицательные знаки как смысл жизни

links :: ficbook. ao3. telegram.

[gusucloud]

The beauty of Till the end of the Moon (2/?)

[miamaimania]

“A poem, an exercise in omitting letters” ⌇ Thomas Penny · concrete poetry

[grahansey]

Beartown first read: Benji x Kevin's relationship analysis:

Why i believe Kevin might have had feelings for Benji and why does it make this story 10 times worse.

this review includes spoilers from book 1&2

tw: mention of sa, homophobia

disclaimer: i condemn harshly Kevin's actions. It makes me sick to my stomach that he got away with it (welcome to our reality) while so many people suffered from it. This post doesn't tolerate any type of sex*al violence. this is NOT a ship post. Let's start.

I've come to the end of Us against you, the second book of Beartown trilogy. I am impressed on how much grief one book can hold, mourning your youth, your hopes and failures, someone you lost, your own body, your parents relationship, your career, what could have been, someone you loved... your best friend.

In the second book, Kevin still haunts the narrative and characters after he left the town. I was surprised that it was canonically confirmed that Benji was in love with him. It was pretty obvious for those with the right eyes but I thought it would remain implicit.

But what about Kevin? Did he catch more than friendly affection for him? I think it could be.

It was mentioned several times that there was the Kevin the town knew (or thought knowing) and Benji's Kevin. His.

We know both B and K weren't the type of discussing feelings with words but that there was mutual understanding in the silence between them. B was protecting K all the way. He was his shield and best friend. And I think this was reciprocated. B was the only thing K had that was his too. In the dark, when there was no spotlight. B is canonically gay but we know Kevin was supposed to have some crush on Maya so I wouldn't assume his sexuality but say that he could have been bisexual or that he was closeted with too much internalised homophobia (directed at himself mostly).

Here are some lines from Kevin's pov:

"kevin looks like he wants to touch him. he doesn't."

"kevin gives him a quick hug, so fleeting that no one would notice but still so hard that it speaks volumes. "

"benji is waiting outside the house. as always. a boy with less control of his impulses than kevin would have hugged him. "

It is stated at different times that Kevin was repressing some feelings towards Benji. He was careful not to touch him in front of everyone, didn't want to be seen. He was overly conscious of how physical he needed to be. He bas backing down all the time. Except on ice.

My theory is that he was trying so hard to meet his dad, coach and basically the whole town expectations that maybe he also forced himself to be the hockey star boy people wanted him to be, which includes loving girls in a very homophobic town and being a f*ck boy? Edit: i just remembered this but let's not forget that Kevin's decision to bring Maya in his room was made out of a bet. He wanted to prove to the crowd he was a winner. (i feel ill to write is this way but you get it)

Being a loser wasn't an option for Kevin. We know what type of discourse was repeated in the locker room, we know how K's dad was talking about "viruses" that could get to his son, the type of people who could alter his person. So i feel like the need to prove he could have any girl in his bed, especially one he liked was more than important to him.

When he realised he could be undesired and his crush could not want him, maybe his anger tookover. Has Maya's sudden rejection made him crack? does that makes sense? Maybe this is when he crossed that terrible line you can never come back from. Maybe he picked the wrong side because he is Kevin Erdahl, the normal talented heterosexual hockey player. Nothing is wrong with him. (once more this is not me making excuses mfor him: he is a damn rap*st) But he couldn't lie to Benji, so he didn't say a word.

The other simplier explanation of those lines and his repressed physical attraction could be because he knew about Benji's sexuality. B's jealousy was pretty obvious, he didn't like Kevin flirting with girls and he left the party that night because of it. This was pretty also confirmed in their argument after the party. K told B he was a coward and couldn't say the word: "you're the one who is a...." "What? what am i Kev? Tell me." Benji replied.

So was he careful not to cross boundaries for B's sake? Did he just wanted to fit the manly hockey player perfect narrative? I am not sure.

But then there's the island scene and their hidden secret life. Kevin didn't repress anything there. He was more himself. It was there safe place. They belonged to each other there. So during the separation scene which is a devastating scene imo, he allowed himself to be physical. K hugged B hard enough and he motioned his hand on Benji's jaw. This gesture is so tender tbh.

Was K so terrified of being left alone (and he knew he would be atp) so he allowed himself more? Or was he trying to make Benji stay by giving a bit more? I don't really see K as manipulative, considering the fact he can't lie to Benji at all. So it does feel like a genuine uncontrolled move.

We learn in the second book how many summers they spent on that island and it could have been some sort of self discovery for both of them. It it stated that they spent weeks sleeping there, swimming naked and everything. Yes, they were young, i am not trying to sexualise anything. But it does feel to me that they were more than friends without knowing it.

I like the idea of Kevin committing a terrible thing because he tried to convince himself he could live in normalcy because nothing will be normal after that. I'm so scared someone read this as me making excuses but not at all, like it makes this 10 times worse but also this theory addresses a bigger issue at society level, you know. I hate him. I hate how he ruined everything for so many people but also for himself. Backman's characters are strong morally questionable and complicated characters and there's so much more to say.

Anyway i feel like i'll never be able to move on. This is the first time since All for the game series that i feel this much for characters and btw the number of parallels that can be made between the two series are crazyyy. Maybe in another post... Have i fallen too deep in the Beartown rabbit hole? Help. I have to read book 3 but i honestly need a break. I am exhausted and so fucking sad fjdkkfkf and so terrified of losing my boy. Benji Ovich you're so loved by me.

[surbls]

the letters i sent [ 4/4 ]

« a home made of us »

Иногда любовь была в гвоздях, вбитых в дерево, пока весь мир ещё спал. Иногда в мозолистых руках, что отшлифовывали занозы, чтобы любимый человек ничего не почувствовал, когда прикоснется к ним.

— на фикбуке.

— на ao3.

[surbls]

the letters i sent [ 3/4 ]

« epilogue - still home »

— И мы забудем вкус войны, — прошептал Сухо. — Мы забудем о годах, что потеряли.

— на фикбуке.

— на ao3.

[1liv]

[bowowark]

“character who gained weight to show how they are healthy now” trope my beloved

[demonadelem]

[surbls]

the letters i sent [ 2/4 ]

« until you feel it again »

— Я всё ещё думаю о тех письмах. Обо всех трёхстах шестидесяти пяти. — Жаль, что я не смог прочитать каждое из них.

— на фикбуке.

— на ao3.

[icecreamprincess26]

movies that change how you move on with your life because you cant stop thinking about them.

[numerodix]

🙁🙁🙁

[surbls]

Translation to Russian

« The Letters I Sent » by sieunrkive

tags: References to The Notebook (2004) ; Alternate Universe - Military ; Rich Yeon Sieun | Gray ; Hurt/Comfort ; 1940's ; a bit of angst ; Love Letters

summary :: В Южной Корее 1940-х годов мельничный работник Ан Сухо и богатый юноша Ён Сыин безумно влюблены, но родители второго не одобряют их отношения. Когда Сухо уходит на военную службу, кажется, что их роман заканчивается. Тем временем Сыин встречает другого мужчину – Гым Сонджэ. Но когда Сухо возвращается в их маленький городок годы спустя, на пороге свадьбы Сыина, становится ясно, что их роман далеко не закончен. — Я писал тебе, — прошипел Сыин. — Триста шестьдесят пять писем. По одному каждый божий день. — И ты не ответил ни на одно из них.

[ ficbook ] [ ao3 ]

[rylandsgrace]

10 Things I Hate About You (1999) dir. Gil Junger

[surbls]

how I love them 💔

[gaylilsherlock]

spoiler: it worked

[ilyas-left-nut]

rushing to be together and then absolutely trying everything possible to slow time to stay together 

[sideblong]

when character a is barely conscious and being princess carried by character b and when b goes to put them down a whimpers and fists their hand into the fabric of their shirt and b goes shhh shh shh and takes their hand in theirs while gently cradling their head oughhhhhh oughhhhh………….

[areyoudoingthis]

babe wake up ao3 came up with the only funny april fools joke in the history of the world

[justplainsalty]

The blog post is pretty great too.