[sureyeahman]

Holding Back

The reason why time and again I sulk about the thing that’s bothered me the most these last few years is because it’s concrete proof that I eventually failed at what something I worked hard to succeed at. I was stuck for so many years not knowing what success looked like that the moment I had it in my hands, I took it for granted. Now every time the slightest reminder crosses my mind, I fall right back into that pit. It’s like I’m walking, trying to be productive in my thoughts and my actions, when all of a sudden I come across a sink hole, keeping me in that negative mental state for a while.

But lately, I’ve fallen down that pit less and less, and part of the reason is because as I start sinking, I remind myself that this sort of thinking does the opposite of help me. In fact, even though I think that I’m preparing myself for future situations, in reality I’m not moving on from it, making it likely I’d make the same mistake.

Rather than continue to sulk, I try to remind myself that while the consequences may be blatantly evident, there have been plenty of lessons that I was able to pull from the experience that has shaped me into the person I am now. It reminds me that while I made progress back then, I wasn’t fully where I wanted or needed to be, and having this tremendous step back has opened my eyes to how unaware I truly was back then.

With all the power you may have, it may be easy to forgo the small things, ultimately leading to your temporary demise.

To be honest, I’m still pretty uncomfortable with things. I always enact my defense mode when topics of conversations come up or events of mutual attendance occur… and one such event is coming up really soon, so I am internally debating whether I should just stay home rather than have an anxiety attack.

 But I’m working on it. I’m doing my best. I’m trying to not think like I use to. The more I think about it, the more that anxiety was the cause of that demise. I keep getting in my own way and I really hope that I don’t let that happen once again.

[sureyeahman]

Patience

Over the years, I’ve worked on becoming more patient with people. I know I’m full of shortcomings, and for those to wade through my issues truly hold that virtue close to their hearts. I like to think that I’ve done a lot better over the years and have become a little bit calmer and resolved to not let my frustration get the best of me.

But my patience wears really thin when it comes to disrespect. I try my best to treat people with the utmost respect and be as fair as possible given any circumstance. It’s where I draw the line because I have a certain expectation with regards to certain types of behaviors.

Aside from small suggestions, the way someone behaves is beyond my control. And really, who am I to tell someone how to live their life. While I may not have any control over what someone does, I do have control on who I allow to enter the circle.

[sureyeahman]

Time

The commoditization of time is something I’ve done throughout my entire life. Too often I’ve spent it unwisely and just wasted both it for both myself and others. Throwing a few bucks here and there can seem unpleasant in the moment, but there will always be a chance to recoup that. Time is something you never get back.

I’ve realized that not only have I done myself a disservice, I haven’t been the best at respecting others’ time and efforts. When someone says to me that they want to just spend time together and catch up, I use to always take that for granted. It had no meaning before, but now that I recognize those who do value their time with me and put in the extra effort, I know how pertinent it is to cater to their time.

[sureyeahman]

I feel like one of my biggest problems is that deep down inside, I always felt like I was owed something. Like I was entitled to something due to my kindness and generosity. And that entitlement that I felt is what lead me to be passively hostile towards others. It might not have been blatant, but this attitude must’ve definitely been felt. No wonder so many people crossed the bridge and cut the ropes. I wish I had realized this sooner before taking this path that has only one way.

[sureyeahman]

I always wondered what is it about me that gives others a bad taste in their mouths. It’s like I’m great at first, but soon enough the magic fades and I’m nothing more than a distant memory. I know I’m not perfect; I have my quirks and I try to work on them, but it seems like I don’t catch on soon enough, and by the time I start fixing it, everyone’s just frustrated and wants nothing to do with me. It’s an endless cycle, I fix the problem, meet new people, get in grained, let out a shortcoming, and get stuck feeling down. It really makes me feel worthless, like I’m just some interpersonal fad that wears away like last year’s fast fashion. I really don’t know what to do with myself.

[sureyeahman]

It’s starting to get harder and harder to not let my negativity get to me. I always have some sort of scenario wrapped up in my mind and it keeps being played on rewind. I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again. I keep trying to find ways to detract that train of thought. And yet, there’s always something that pulls me back into the center.

[sureyeahman]

Identity Crisis

These past few months, I’ve been questioning who I am on a daily basis. I feel like the me who learned and grew and attained so many things is so far gone. I always feel so anxious as I wonder what happened to the me that was so excited and enthusiastic about life. The me that made it a point to make a new friend or talk to a friend on a daily basis. The me that thought that I was doing the things right, not the me that thinks I just do things that make people upset.

I wonder who I use to me, and who I am now. This first world PTSD seems to have grasped me by the reigns and drives my emotions, attitudes, and actions for longer than it should.

As everyone moves forward in their life and strives for better, all that comes to mind is my shortcomings and my failures and how I just can’t compare. This isn’t me, this isn’t who I was, but yet it is, and it seems like it will be who I am for the foreseeable future.

[sureyeahman]

Node

In communication networks, a node is either a connection point, a redistribution point, or a communication endpoint. When it comes to human relationships, a node is a person you meet everyone through. They connect you with people you likely would have never connected with. They have the capability to introduce you to the world, and the world back to you.

Nodes have tremendous value in our society. Whenever you need something, but don’t know of anyone who can help, nodes set you up for success by connecting you with the right people. They help make happen what might not have been.

And the effects of nodal relationships don’t necessarily just result in innovative thoughts, ideas, or products. They also help us in our personal lives. When you’re feeling down and lonely, having a node in your life is your gateway to a plethora of new relationships. Just got dumped? A node will introduce you to girls who you have the possibility of dating. Just moved to a new town? A node will take you on outings so you can make new friends and feel more at home.

They’re definitely important because not only do they make the world go round, they keep us sane and give us a sense of security. But what about for the node themselves?

Nodes have a special characteristic about that them that magically makes people gravitate towards them. Whether that trait is an interest, a skill, or some other factor, people feel comfortable and at ease around them.

But since it’s hard to describe what is it about a node that makes them special, does that mean that in reality, nodes really carry no substance? Nodes seem to be the kind of people who are great at first, but after they’ve completed their role as a node, they carry no value to those they had helped.

It seems like the moment a node no longer has any value to someone, the relationship becomes instantly discarded. What was once a familiar face becomes stranger by the day, until ultimately, that name no longer becomes part of the lexicon.

Being a node can be a struggle. Relationships today aren’t guaranteed to exist tomorrow. And as you peruse your newsfeed, you see groups who were once strangers take photos together and you aren’t even an afterthought in their minds.

Knowing that your value is easily discarded, it can be discouraging at times to continue playing the role of a node. If you think about it, patience and understanding can be a dwindling virtue. But some how, you keep on going. You do what you only how to do best and keep being the point of contact for people. And you keep getting discarded. You keep getting hurt and upset and wonder what went wrong. You start from scratch, look into building something better, hoping it doesn’t happen again.

[sureyeahman]

Stripped Identity

I think I’ve finally realized why I’ve been feeling so fucking shitty. At first, hurt and betrayal seemed to be the main driver behind these feelings. All my trust and understanding was decimated after six simple words left me shell shocked and sunk my heart so far down, it felt like it was hanging my knees. All the faith in what was once such a foreign concept was completely swept away in one fell swoop, and I felt alone yet again on a desolate, lonely sandbar.

After weeks of constant reflection, I tried my best to come to terms and focus on internalizing and figuring out what lessons needed to be learned. I’m not perfect and I knew that there was some sort of wake up call I needed to realize to fully associate some sort of meaning.

Both reasons are fair explanations as to why I’ve been experiencing such profound PTSD. But today, I think I’ve finally realized the main reason why I’ve been in such a cloudy haze as of late: I’ve been completely striped of my identity. Everything that I’ve worked for to define an identity and create an image was robbed at gun point, and all I’m left with is a breathless state, unable to explain what’s really wrong.

So much time and effort went into redefining the person I was, and yet only one action took that all away from me. All those sacrifices I made over the years was washed away instantaneously as judgmental eyes reaped the benefits.

But that identity that was stripped from me, leaving me naked out in the cold, was not purely external. If I’m being completely honest here, it was also influenced by my shortcomings. I’m very well aware that I let my insecurities dictate my actions, and those insecurities caused me to lose the self that I came to see myself as. I got so used to living life up on a hill that I didn’t realize how shitty the ground really was.

And as I went about self destructing and pillaging the environment that I so carefully hand crafted, I took no notice of the effects my insecure outlook had on what comprised my so called ecosystem. To the outside world, the mission had been compromised and the only proper course of action was to abort.

Or I can use this opportunity to fix my flaws and reinvent myself. Maybe now, I won’t be so blind to my own mayhem and actually be the person I see myself to be. At the same time, maybe I’ll actually see the value in those that hold stock in me, despite the bearish climate the market has been in as of late.

I need to keep reminding myself that it’s time to cut my losses and focus on what I need to do right to finally make myself feel great again.

[sureyeahman]

Fans

In a world full of negativity, it’s easy to forget about those who support you. Just because there are haters doesn’t mean that there aren’t fans out there.

[sureyeahman]

Accountability

As a friend, you're supposed to accept someone despite their shortcomings. The moment you can't tolerate someone is the moment your friendship is over. But is is acceptable to not be accountable for your behavior, citing that a friend is supposed to accept you for who you are?

[sureyeahman]

Responsibility

I try hard not to blame others for my shortcomings. At the end of the day, everything is a result of decisions I made. Other's actions may have some sort of influence on the results, but when it comes down to it, I'm responsible for the situation I'm in.

[sureyeahman]

On Resentment

Some times I struggle with dealing with my feelings of resentment. I have a way of looking at things in a one sided manner and associating a result to my feelings about a person. Even now, the thought of someone brings up immense disdain, and yet I know I shouldn't focus on just the one dimenson. Resentment fills my heart and I get so heat up, but there's no purpose for it. Positivity is a fleeting sentiment these days and I know that this is the cause of it. There was a time where I was able to let go these feelings of resentment... where I strived for positivity. I was able ro overcome it before. I guess I need to do a little bit of revisiting to move on from this.

[sureyeahman]

Blaming others for shitty things that happens in your life is the worse thing you can do to yourself. Sure, sometimes someone’s actions or series of actions puts you in an unfavorable situation, but 9 times out of 10, they played only a small part.

Rather than focusing the blame on someone else, it’s important to internalize the responsibility and hold yourself accountable. Evolving yourself is the only thing you can really do to prevent yourself from putting yourself in a similar situation in the future.

Blaming others does nothing but keep you in that pit. It’s time to focus on yourself and how you can get back to where you were.

[sureyeahman]

I've been so anxious lately. Maybe it's because of the drastic change in my life. But I've been preparing for this for month. I figured by now that I would have at least somewhat adjusted myself. But all I keep thinking about is what this means about me and every single decision I've made in my life. I know there's a tomorrow, and another one after that. Yet it seems like only today defines me and my capabilities.

[sureyeahman]

In My Way

The biggest lesson I learned while in Asia the past two weeks is that my negativity is what’s getting in the way of myself. It doesn’t matter if it deals directly with myself or not. It’s that the energy that I release influences other aspects of my life. Sure, things might not go my way every so often, but I shouldn’t dwell on that, otherwise it takes control of my life and sets me down a bad course. I’m disappointed that it took this long to realize, but hopefully this brings about a new dawn.

[sureyeahman]

Holy crap, I'm in such a funk right now. I can't seem to be able to focus on what's in front of me. All I keep thinking about is how things are changing or how they're going to change. I can't keep still and set my attentions on the things that need tending to now. I just keep wishing that things would be settled and I would be able to have a sense of normalcy once again.

Its not a matter of if and when things will settle and I will be able to breathe, it's a matter of when I will finally get the motivation to set myself in that situation. Why is it that I always do this to myself... will I ever learn?