trigger warning big time. warning warning. and im not checking for spelling and shit bc fuck the world everything is pointless and no one is my friend no one cares anyway they just look in for the drama hey i see u viewing everything but not reaching out and letting me feel heard and validated even a little. so i’ll just ramble and then ghost again this time hopefully forever life is nothing life is over lifes been over why drag on on and on. i have nothing and no one and i spend days all the same and my one true friend left me forever and is off having the time of her life after i helped her every time she needed me but the second my disabilities become a damper she turns me out like my uncle. only pretty privileged fun picturesque family allowed. only whites allowed. hey I don’t get on here anymore but an update:
my schizophrenic neighbor waved a gun in my face. i called the cops and they didn’t protect my identity. and when i called my mom all shaken by it she scolded me for opening the door and then proceeded to tell me her day was just as bad and hard bc she had to go shopping. this was a day after she told me she couldn’t give me anything as far as me begging her for some tp even a roll or a half of one, one of her cheap razors she has bc she has a bunch in bulk, a bar of soap, something anything just anything to eat, laundry soap even if it was only in a tiny cup, anything just fucking anything. she refused and said she wouldnt give up anything bc she wasnt gonna take my sister out to the stores or rush out bc she gave me her stuff. she went to the fucking store the day after anyway. and told me about it. she went to the store. the stoer she said she just wouldnt go to and so no she could not give me one single item. thats my support system ladies and gents. been abused by her going on 16 years or more tbh. im almost thirty and im still being abused by her like im still a child trapped. i cant get to the store bc my aunts car is broken down and we live far away from stores that i can afford and even so we have to go early if we want anything bc i cant afford to shop for anything thats not cheap cheap. i’ll probably not stay on this planet much longer. i always thought it’d be 32 but what’s the point of staying longer. a few years early won’t matter. since she did me like this i haven’t been the same. coming back to texas and being abused every interaction i have w my mom and not being to avoid the interactions bc she’s paying for my living costs. and since my cousin traumatized me the fibro hasn’t been able to ever be like it was before when i wasn’t fully even aware that i had it. now every day is a struggle. im always in pain. i can only dim the pain but it’s not ever fully away. im always in pain. and my mind is not right anymore. im like not at all like i used to be. and i hate everything and im never happy and i am ugly and broken and im so fucking fat and disgusting and i have no friends and my life is meaningless and no one but my aunt talks to me in a way that is pleasant. and even w her it’s like i cant talk like friends do w her. and shes always making me feel like im a bad christian and that’s why all this is happening and i need to repent and be like her if i want to not be in pain. which is so fucking hurtful and blaming me and i tell her over and over please dont say that kinda stuff. and i have to be a version of myself that isnt true to myself so she isnt constantly guilting me or making me feel terrible. like i cant be queer like i really am. i cant talk abt jim being jewish. i cant talk abt my more liberal views on religion. i cant talk abt feminism i cant talk abt my past as a sex worker or my views on things or my stances but she must hve some inclination bc she tells me that i dont follow the bible right and bc i refuse to acknowledge the truth and god’s ways that i wont go to heaven when the rapture comes and she is always thinking its coming and shes always tellin me shes sad im not going and that she wishes she could get thru to me but she knows i wont hear his word and truth but shes gonna keep trying bc it’s her duty. and she believes she’s saving me by doing it. fuuuuuuck not only that but being dirt poor is stressful and theres always problems and u cant get out of them enough to stop spending money u dont have so u are always spending more and more and never fixing things proper. I’m broke af all the time and can’t afford anything ever. My mom makes me pay for medicine help by making me pay my cousin to get things I need from her. I am in pain all the time and my body is so fucked up and my aunt’s car is costing her money that she needs to use for other important things but my mean, nasty cousin wouldn’t help her mom unless it was a loan, she made this total new life for herself and dropped all her family except her sister. She can give her nephews and grandma and other people money, afford to go around the world, have two cars, live this perfect happy privileged lifestyle yet won’t even give her mother money or a card on her bday. Nice. My aunt is so heartbroken by it but won’t tell her daughters bc that’s not how she is. And she’ll forgive her im sure bc she can’t stay mad. She’s just torn up about it. Can barely afford anything herself and told me she doubts she’ll get invited to the wedding. I’m fully aware that I won’t and even if I do in some topsy turvy world do get invited how the fuck would i afford to go? she’ll im sure pay for her sister to be there. and her boys family is hers basically she replaced me and my family w them. i bust my back caring for my handicapped sister so my mom will give me 25 bucks. every month i keep her for a week. and my mom wont even let me have a roll a tp. and lolli is so behind on everything and her ears are infected and she is in pain from a cyst in her mouth but i cant afford her to go to the vet and my mom only wants to say that she wont do it bc she wants to take care of her dogs and herself first
my hands and feet and face are swollen up like usual and im running fever and im crying bc this is my life. i just stay in this bed. i just stay rationing my toothpaste. the food i get is only bc it’s from the food bank or on sale and i have ebt. i haven’t had a haircut in a year and a half. i don’t do anything fun ever. i don’t go anywhere even if this covid stuff wasnt going on i cant afford to go anywhere. fun for me is buying a drink from sonic during happy hour when it’s a dollar. and then i chastise myself for the rest of the day bc i feel guilty having spent the dollar.
there was a time in my life when she was my best friend and sister and she promised me nothing would come between or could. that i was gonna be her wedding planner bc that is something i like. that i was gonna be her maid of honor. that she couldn’t imagine going without talking to me for a long time.
