i'm not a soldier

[spellsandscandals]

it.. he couldn't be real, could he?

mary gripped the table behind her, mind racing. it's me, mac. his words sounded so like the man she loved, so true to everything that he was. the more he spoke the less sure she became that he was a trick, a punishment. she watched in stunned silence as tears pricked at his eyes, and her caged, iced-over heart began to melt. i need to know i found you. if this was a trick, it was a cruel, sick one. there was nothing she wanted more than to be found. to be saved.

"i..." her voice trembled, her eyes wide as they looked him over. was she going to give into this? to allow herself a tiny, minute amount of hope? she wasn't sure she'd ever be okay again if she did, if she let him in and this wasn't real. but.. the way he looked at her, the way he was so desperate for his own concrete answer.. the words slipped out without much thought. her voice cracked and trembled, on the verge of breaking completely into nothing but sobs, "if it.. if it is you.. where was our house? the one we bought and didn't tell anyone because we wanted to make it ours first. where.. where was it?" the house had since been destroyed in battle, mary had found out. she'd slipped away one night to visit it, to look for some piece of him that she could keep all to herself, and found it in ruin. she'd fallen to her knees and sobbed for hours, before having to pick herself back up and return to her prison, acting as if her world hadn't just broken apart once more.

[surprxsing]

"it was in the muggle village just outside hogsmeade. the perfect spot for both worlds." he'd visited the house about a year ago, wanted to see if mary had done anything with it, or if another family had bought it and made it their own, began raising children and building a proper home. neither was the case, as the house was merely rubble, a clear casualty of the war. he'd cried, that night at the property where their future home once stood, and nearly bruised himself wiping the tear away. he hadn't wanted to cry where they could have seen. "the kitchen was perfect, we'd already gotten a couch, a dingy old one from my parents, there was-" he remembered it, the only thing there that even resembled the house he and mary had once danced to no music in, slightly buried among the debris, "you'd painted the letterbox blue, a horrible ugly blue, but you were so fuckin' proud of it that i hadn't dared say a word. it was so bright, it looked awful with the brick, but it was- it was perfect. it would've been perfect."

a sound from the hall made him jump slightly, moving further into the corner of the room. it was nothing, just a giddy partygoer walking past, but his heart stayed beating fast. he couldn't get caught, not now, not with mary right here, right in front of him, so close. he couldn't lose her again. "i've spent the past five years doing everything, everything i fucking could to see you again. i thought it was impossible, there was a while i'd thought you'd died, i'd thought i'd never see the babies, i thought i'd lost everyone. we did lose everyone. but not you. not them." fabian took a cautious step away from the corner once more, closer to mary, "you're here."

[spellsandscandals]

mary.

that voice. had death whispered back to her? had her answered her prayers?

ever so slowly, mary turned towards the sound of her ghost, scared that if she moved too quickly it would make him leave, somehow.

she blinked a few times, adjusting to the darkness, and then there he was. her heart. her everything. "fabian?" she breathed, letting out a choke and her hand moved to her stomach, the sensation of butterflies awakening within her overwhelming. it was as if the prince had come to wake the sleeping princess. suddenly, she was alive again.

he looked older. thinner. in her dreams, waking and sleeping, she had never seen this version of him. it had always been of them at school, or of them before that fateful day. seeing him older, it made it feel all the more real.

except it wasn't real. the love of her life was dead.

and just like that, the illusion shattered and she felt her heart ache like someone was squeezing it, wanting her to bleed and die and suffer. because it was a trick, wasn't it? to punish her, to torment her, just like the death eaters had done all these years? it was a reminder of the life, of the happiness she would never have. she felt a sob rise in her throat and she stepped back shakily. "h-how.." she felt herself start to panic. she felt anger start to rise in her chest. how dare they use his image to hurt her? the knife on the desk she'd bumped into caught her eye, and she almost reached for it, but stopped herself. no, mary. think of the children. think of his children. if she so much as ever rose a hand to any of the death eaters, she could lose more than her life. she could lose her children, too. the last living piece of fabian prewett.

"why?" her trembling hand still rested on her stomach, but nausea and hurt had replaced those beautiful feelings from before. taken away something so rare and replaced them with the horrible things she had to endure every single day under the death eater's tyranny. "i have done everything you've asked of me. why would you show me him? are you truly that heartless, that my children aren't enough for you? that you must break me by showing me the one thing I want most in this world? have I not done enough?" she felt her skin tingle where the dark mark sat upon it, peeking out from under the sleeve of her gown. she didn't know how she was staring at fabian's image, or who was truly behind it, but it couldn't be real. she had spent five years missing half of her heart. he wasn't real. gods, she wished he was. she would give the other half just for a moment with him again.

[surprxsing]

fabian prewett knew mary macdonald. he knew her like he knew himself, and he knew that look on her face. it was not a good one. in just that quick change of expression, the emotions that washed over her face, he knew that if he had it his way this entire manor would be up in smoke before another word could be uttered. unfortunately, that dream doesn't mesh well with the fact that mary and their children were also in said manor. fire and smoke to come later.

it would have been a bit funny, if this very moment wasn't the moment it was, that he somehow managed to feel self-conscious as mary's eyes scanned his face, his body. he knew he looked like shit, he'd been fighting and running and hiding for years, eating horribly and barely sleeping, and various scars littered his skin. fabian knew that he was no longer the boy mary knew, but in return, she was no longer the girl from his memories. she'd been through hell too.

their children. fabian was aware, through word of mouth and helpful whispers throughout the years, that the babies were okay. as okay as they could be, he supposed given the whispers that they were fully in death eater custody, and he supposed even further that they weren't babies anymore. he didn't even know them as babies. but... 'my children aren't enough for you', she'd just said. they were using them. to control mary? to control him, if they knew he was alive? the inclinations towards a large explosion grew, but he had to stop, he had to focus on the now. the right now. mary was in front of him, and she didn't believe him, and she was heartbroken and simply broken, and he didn't know if he could fix it.

"it's me, mac." the old nickname slipped out naturally, "i swear. i swear. i'm here, i'm real, i'm not them." he took a cautious step towards her, not out of fear for his own safety, but in regard for her nerves. he didn't blame her for not believing him, he blamed them. they'd done this to her. "ask me a question, test me, i don't care. i- i need-" his voice cracked slightly, "i need to know you're real too. i need to know this is real. that i'm not- that i'm not fuckin' hallucinating this, that this whole day hasn't been some sick fuckin' nightmare i'm going to wake up from and find myself back in-" fabian cleared his throat, taking a second to gather his thoughts, though an unavoidable tear pricked at his eye, "i need to know i did it. i need to know i found you."

[spellsandscandals]

@surprxsing

five years ago, the death eaters won. five years ago, mary lost the love of her life, along with each and every one of her friends. they dropped one after the other, or so the letter had read. she hadn't been allowed near the battlefield that day, due to her being six months pregnant with triplets. there was no way fabian was allowing her to be near a single wand, not when it would put her and their children at risk.

but none of that mattered now, did it? the lords of the death eaters were holding a ball to celebrate their win, and parading mary around in the finest jewels, despite her being their captive. on paper, she was married to one of the highest ranking, cruelest men in the death eaters, but she was nothing more than a war trophy. a symbol, that the order lost, and the spark of hope will never ignite again. not when they had the last remaining living order member under their grip. especially not when they forced her to take their mark. and she couldn't fight it. because they had her children. fabian's children. they were raising them to one day be death eaters, too. that very thought kept mary awake at night. it kept her submissive.

the ball had lasted long into the night. mary spent most of it watching over the triplets, though she was never allowed that close to them. not that they minded. they were at such an age where they were so easily influenced. mary could see them starting to take to what they were being taught. the boys more than her daughter, but they would no doubt win her over soon enough. she just hoped that they inherited at least some semblance of fabian's strong mind and kind heart. perhaps that would save their souls.

moonlight trickled through into the ballroom, and caught her son's eyes in such a way that it stole her breath. in that moment, he looked so very much like his father. so much so that mary had to step away, feeling tears start to fill her eyes. it had been hard to feel much else than numb, but never when she thought about her past life, her past love. she missed him with everything she had. she saw him everywhere, caught his voice echoing through the shadowed, dull halls of the manor she was confined to.

mary stole a few moments to herself in one of the private rooms, kept free of any party-goers. she felt tears streaming down her cheeks as she let herself feel what she so tightly kept to herself as she 'played her part'.

"why couldn't I have died with you?" she felt herself whisper into the air as if her long since deceased fiancee could hear. she hoped he was safe, wherever he was.

the door to the balcony behind her creaked and she straightened, quickly wiping away the rest of her tears and dabbing her nose with the back of her hand, waiting for the person to step into the room and discipline her for being alone and disobeying orders.

[surprxsing]

---

if you were to ask fabian prewett where he'd been for five years, first of all, fuck you, second of all, fuck off, third of all, fuck if he knew.

he'd been through hell and back, mostly. though there were worse things than hell, and he'd experienced a few of those, too.

he didn't want to think about it, not ever, but particularly not now. he'd manage to find himself a goldfish swimming in a gathering of several dozen sharks, a member of the order of the phoenix at a death eater ball, in a world where the order of the phoenix no longer existed. they'd been wiped out, of course, five years ago. every last one of them.

all of them, it seemed, except mary macdonald and fabian prewett. not that anyone was aware of that second one. he'd been officially declared dead the same day as his brother, and for a while he'd wished that had been true.

that didn't matter. not now. stop thinking about shit that doesn't matter, fabian, focus on now. focus on your feet and the music and the mask and the wand in your hand and the woman you love, who is close, so close, but you have to wait. you can't go to her now. they'd find you, they'd kill you, they'd hurt her, all before you could blink. don't. mingle, and talk, and act like you belong. they're all drunk, and rich, and stupid, and reveling in a world where they don't have to question if a stranger at a party has ill-intent, so the mask doesn't even raise an eyebrow, it receives compliments. smile. smile.

then, suddenly, mary moved. she walked out of the main hall, in that quick way fabian was so familiar with that meant she was upset, though he couldn't imagine she'd walk in any other way in the predicament she was in. he finished his conversation as politely as he could muster and moved to follow her, taking care not to make it seem like he was, well, following her.

he'd slipped into the room just in time to hear her say words he'd hoped he misheard, though he was sure he hadn't, and as badly as he wanted to run to her and grab her and hold her and run his fingers through her hair and tell her everything was okay now, everything would be alright, he was here, he knew he couldn't. not yet, not now, not here.

what he was able to do was slip to the corner of the room nearest the door, where any quick passerby wouldn't see him if they weren't looking. he pulled the mask from his face, and with a croak that sounded as if he hadn't spoken in centuries, like the name leaving his mouth was powerful enough to restart any broken man, he whispered, just loud enough for the woman to hear, "mary. i'm here. i'm here."

[surprxsing]

@loststxrs

killian hated matters of court.

it wasn't that he hated the matters, or the court. he tried to make it a point not to hate anything, and yet some events simply made it impossible. his father holding court with what felt like the entirety of eruba was one such event. they came to meet with the apollian king and his family, with their horses and banners and people, and the darkness followed.

in his years of life, killian had only seen three such meetings; the two kingdoms made it a point to convene as little as necessary, and for good reason: it was no secret amongst the kingdoms that eruba and apollis did not... get along. it was only natural, to be perfectly honest, that a kingdom of light and color would not enjoy the allyship of a place of such shadowy business.

after the pleasantries, the official greetings, the handshakes, the introductions, the snide remarks from those in low enough titles they could get away with it, the duties required of him from this first day at court, killian took it upon himself to slip away as quickly as he could. he'd seen plenty of similar meetings, anyway, he didn't need to stick around for one with eruba. the shadows creeping along the walls that typically saw no shadows at all were making him uneasy.

as he slipped out of the great hall, eyes trained on the seats nearest him, an excuse prepared if any of his neighbors were to question why he was leaving, killian turned his body before his head. this was unfortunate, as where there was once air killian found himself walking face-first into a body.

"what are-" he found himself ready to scold whichever member of staff took it upon themselves to be privy to royal matters, though a glance upward (upward? he wasn't used to having to look up to lock eyes with someone) stopped him. "are you not supposed to be in court right now, prince ryn?"