my journey

the up's and down's and inbetween's 

[surrealf33lings]

03/10/20 - 12:51am

Hey again. All has been good for me over here. Typical ups and downs with school. Me and my love are okay. Not together, but the love is there and we both know it deep down. I stopped overthinking that and just overall caring about what’s going on and kinda just going with the flow. I feel more confident in my independence and find peace in my solitude. 

The only issues I have had is dealing with my temporary anxiety that likes to come and go. It comes when I think too far ahead. I mean I want to plan things out which is fine, but this anxiety is different and puts me into a depression if I let a thought go unattended. As of now, I want to find a better way to deal with everyday stresses. Although, I do have to say my life is good. Everything is calm, everything is slowly, but surely, taking its course and I love it. 

[surrealf33lings]

11/07/19 - 11:24pm

It has taken a long time to reach this point, but our relationship is officially done. I have been gone for a long time because it has been a big emotional toll for me. So so much crying. Crying before bed. Crying in the shower. Crying as I walk to my car. It was all so hard. Finally, I ok. Not the best shape, not the happiest I could be, but I’m stable. I’m good enough to smile and be happy. I finally feel free. Free from the pain. Free from the crying. Free from the stress. I am free to be and love who and what I want. I am extremely hurt by what he did to me and it is super disrespectful. Yet, I’m glad it happened. Now I can disappear and he will know it is his own doing. 

[surrealf33lings]

08/30/19 - 12:48pm

Today will be the mark of the last day of the first week of school! In my life I am in a bit of a stand still. I don’t know where my relationship is going, but I know I love this man. I will stay by his side the best I can, but I need to think if this is the right thing for both of us right now. In terms of myself, I have been doing really well. I am controlling and have a handle on my life. I have been able to function no matter what my mental status stands, which is a big triumph for me! Last year, I stayed inside if I was ever depressed or down. Now, I have been able to continue doing what is my first priority. School. Life will be hard for me getting into the swing of things again. I hope that I can work on things with whom I love now that is still a priority to me, to make sure he is okay and in good health. I may feel annoyed, or who knows what he makes me feel, but I find him so important to me. I want him to be in my life in the future or for me to at least be in his. 

[surrealf33lings]

7/22/19 - 8:44am

Middle of summer, and I feel so different in comparison to last summer. I feel like I am really getting my life together. I see my priorities more clearly, I see what I need to do to better myself for the future. To be a better person to those who actually care for me. Separating myself from society has done me wonders and I like my life better this way. No, not an isolated nut, but distancing myself from those who I sought to impress, who’s opinions and existence really mean nothing to me. I feel like I have more love inside me to love myself and those important to me. Before, I was trying to find myself, it was like I was just army crawling trying to get by. Now, I feel like I’m actually walking. I’m still a little wobbly here and there, but I can say I’m proud of my growth. I’d like to say thank you to my true love for helping me and staying by my side for my journey and whatever journey is to come. 

[inefekt69]

Nihonbashi - Tokyo, Japan

[surrealf33lings]

2/28/19 - 11:59pm

For me I feel like life is good. I spend my days with the love of my life even though he gets on my damn nerves sometimes, but I feel like only those that you love and care about can really get to you like that. People who don’t matter to me, in my opinion, have no affect on my emotions since I just don’t give a care for many things at all. Although, with my man, I find myself caring a lot about everything. I know he seems it as annoying or petty, but I don’t think he realizes that last year or in my past I could get over a guy so easily because I never classified any of them as “mine” or someone that wanted to stay in my life for the long run. Therefore, if someone I was “talking” to someone and I saw a whole bunch of girls pop up on his phone, or I knew he was talking to an “ex” of his it never bothered me because that is not my business I don’t care what you do with your life. Yet, with this guy it’s so different I really feel like I share my life with him. It’s like our lives are intertwined and I don’t want to hold him back from doing anything. I guess it’s something I need to work on because when it comes to girls being friends with my boo, well I never really had a boo. The last person I really qualified as mine was Brady and it didn’t matter what female friends he had because he lived in a different state and I didn’t even get to see what he was really up to all the time. Even with that, well we know how that turned out. He ended up having a girlfriend towards the end. I guess that’s why I trained myself to always have a wall and not really trust what a guy says or does, but this one is different. He truly cares and loves me and all I really want is to really be his GIRLFRIEND, I finally want someone to love me so much inside and out, to the point where they would want to say, “you’re mine.” I want to feel secure with the person I love. I know I can have that with this man of my dreams now if I can just face my problem of being petty, and insecure. I just need to find a better resolution than pushing the feeling to the side or saying “I don’t care” because I do care, but how can I turn this insecurity into feeling secure. Do I just write down all the things he does for me that shows he loves me to remind myself? Actually, that sounds like a good idea. So I’m gonna do that to remind myself and I’m gonna share it here on my personal blog :)

[surrealf33lings]

2/18/19 - 9:55pm

The past several days have been blissful. I am so blessed to have the partner in my life that I do. I love feeling how close our bond is whether it is through actions or words. I have been getting my life somewhat better and got a job. It’s time to make money and provide for my family members. I can’t wait to see what the future holds me in life and with my man. 

[weed-and-poetry]

[buddhaprayerbeads]

Be Yourself.

[surrealf33lings]

1/21/18 - 8:28pm

I have confirmed that it is the swings. I find I feel very connected to the main I love when I look into his eyes or watch him to his day to day activities, I see a king in these moments. Although that doesn’t change the fact that he annoys the hell out of me, but only the one’s closest to you can do that huh?

Also I got a visit from one of the girlfriends today, nothing major, but she’s important enough for me to feel the need to share.

[surrealf33lings]

1/16/18 - 7:07pm

Never have I had the heavy mood swings that I have right now and I have no clue what is the cause of it. It could be my period, but I truly hope it is not the other reason...not now. It is just not the time for me. I am stuck between deciding if what I am doing is right or wrong and this could be “annoyed/deterred Kaitlyn,” but I want to walk out the door, yet I want to snuggle up next to my bear. Who knows what I’m going or am doing. 

[wanderlustjapan]

Kumano imasu jinja shrine by Laydock

[surrealf33lings]

12/10/18 - 12:07am

Two years ago, I ventured on my own to Rehobeth beach. I used it as a getaway, but also as a possible final goodbye. Two years ago today I was mentally in the worst place I have ever been. I was so close to doing it. I had written some goodbye letters, I thought back and forth if it was what I really wanted to do. I know if I did do it, I would have to see the sea on last time. The one place that removes my stresses just by it’s presence. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t take that trip to myself. I felt reborn and refreshed afterwards. It was if a weight had truly gotten lifted off my shoulders. Never again do I want to sink that deep. I may fall, but I promise myself I will rise. 

[surrealf33lings]

12/09/18 - 4:36pm

My mind is racing, I just took a hocus pocus and I am ready to go. I realize I got a lot I want to do for myself. I want to become healthier, more organized, more in touch with myself, and a better person for my friends. I want to stabilize, open my eyes, and treasure the King I have been blessed with. I know I need to work on myself in order to do so, but I want to know I made the right decision in love and I know I can make it right if I just stop looking up at the clouds and more at the light I have been given. I don’t know if all these will be accomplished, but they’re going to be my stepping stones for the upcoming new year.