You Break Up With Me, You Break Up With Yourself (Part 1) â {Feat. Pharita}
4.5k words
A/N: Hello readers, it's been a long time! My writing has seen better days, but still letting you know I'm not giving up and I'm trying hard!!!!!!! Been into Pharita for long, please enjoy.
******
Oh, how unapologetic. You can almost feel the nausea building up inside. âI still reminisce about that night, you know.â Pharita walked slowly and stood side by side with you leaning against the walls. Your sigh is visible to her even when sheâs facing straight forward.
So is your grimace. You donât bother trying to hide any of the uncomfortableness. âI thought you said it would be the last time.â You knew she didnât mean it. Sheâs a bad liar. She has been from the very fucking start. The smile that follows her lies, too. Malicious.
âYou donât want to make this a regular thing.â Still, Pharita is looking down at the floor, as if trying to look hesitant about what sheâs going to ask eventually. âNo,â Itâs cold outside; you wouldâve escorted her to either of your places if you loved her.
When you loved her, to be more precise. âYou don't.â You've been through two winters with Pharita. You thought no warmth could replace hers. No coldness couldn't replace hers either, it turned out.
What you despise is that she keeps talking about that night. The night when she called your phone, the night she came over to your studio to meet you.
It is yet to be opaque in your head the moment she put her lips on yours. It felt so illegal you didn't want to pull back. Her lies mightâve dirtied her name, but that body, the physique, her faceâthose lipsânever left her. Never left your mind, even though you did your best to reject.
âYou need to leave, Pharita.â You say this, yet being dangerously uncertain about whether you'll be able to turn down the temptation to lay your hands on her flesh one more time.
It's to the point where youâre beginning to think that you're no different. Should've cut her out from the first place. The first time you met her after the breakup was catastrophic. You helplessly fell for the trap.
âYou can't keep doing this. Find another guy that's dumb enough to-â
âDon't say you didnât miss how good I made you feel in bed.â She then turns to face you, leaving you no space to move or think. She's unforgivable enough to attempt to lock lips with you once more; you're dumb enough to let it happen.
You tried to say noâtechnically, you said no. All she gives you is things to struggle with. You get the feeling that if you go further than this, the mourning you suffered definitely would go in vain. You frown at the look of yourself. Then you pull her deeper into your arms, probably into your naked soul.
The way she lets out a lengthy, satisfied moan sheerly disgusts you. It's as if you lost, not once but twice.
******
Four months is a long period of time, especially without Pharita. You didnât want her near you, or, you thought so. Hate to admit that you actually spent a few nights crying.
You felt deceived; you mightâve found out what people call toxic is.
Deceived?
âHey.â
It's nothing more than a cheap comedy. â...hey.â Probably as cheap as her words, and yours. Because what you told yourself, what you carved into your own heart was to never let her near you ever again. That provided, it shouldâve been the easiest choice to hang up and block her number when she called you.
âBeen a while.â You pick up. For a few seconds, you forgot to move a single muscle. On your way home it seemed like the world around you came to a halt. The way she said âBeen a while.â was obnoxiously calm. So calm it left you speechless.
Several seconds of absolute silence reminds you that you just dramatically stopped walking. Your eyes squeeze shut as you agonize over whether to just hang up and end it.
âWhy did you call me?â Questions beget more questions. You just picked up her call, and failed to hang up while you could. Then you yourself started a conversation that could lead to misery.
âWhy did you pick up?â Suddenly you remember how sweet she used to sound. But that was until she bittered your heart with her lies. To think she did all that to sleep with someone else, you couldnât stand the hatred.
The way you canât just put the phone off of your ear and end the call makes the hatred spread over to yourself. Itâs like how toxins take over your whole system. âAre you outside?â You knowâsometimes you donât even noticeâitâs ruining you, but you canât stop it.
You still refuse to reply. How vulnerable can a human being be? âPharita.â How weak does one have to be to still drown in the remnant of love for the one who had literally ditched you. Itâs a rotten love. Spoiled love that is indistinguishable from regret.
You answered the call because you wanted to. Needed to. You knew Pharita was toxic. But drugs arenât just toxic; theyâre addictive. You donât do drugs to wreck yourself and die, but you still do it knowing it will someday. You realized that the hatred for her was an ugly mixture of misaimed loathing towards yourself.
âItâs cold outside.â But still, abhorrence is what a betrayed love eventually turns into. What makes you feel even more helpless is that you are sure youâll be giving in to whatever she offers. And you know she wonât offer you anything safe.
âPharita.â
âIâm actually near your place.â
Last winter was the last one you shared with Pharita. You still vividly remember that one day when it snowed heavily. You two made a lot of snowmen. It was only a few inches shorter than her, which made it easier for her to cuddle while taking pictures with it.
You are not sure if you ever want to consider it thankful to have such beautiful memories. Heartwarming, wholesome, but that's what highlights how cruel her betrayal felt.
You thought she loved you just as much as you loved her. Pharita and you made a perfect pairâso perfect once when you were blinded by her you thought it was spiritual. Then she enlightened you that everything has an end regardless of your will.
It all happened within just a few months. All of the night-and-day differences. It went from hot cups of coffee to throat-burning alcohol. From a scarf around her neck to tattoos and piercings. The contrast was clear. It was so sharp you felt it stinging from the very inside of your heart.
What still remained solid were the nights you spent for each other. The true nakednessâof your bodies, of your souls and of your sensationsâcould never be breached by anything fake. You could always tell it without any doubt because she always moaned for more.
It was perhaps the only thing that she wanted to have no end, while for you it was one of many. But even when you were touching each other, you believed that it was romantic, not sexual. A physical expression of love, not lust. Which didnât last so long, unfortunately.
âDid you miss me?â Yet she chose to come toxic as never before. You were trying not to say âyesâ on the phone but you found yourself almost shouting it. People don't change. You still love her. So desperately you would probably forgive everything she's ever done if you could feel her lips on yours.
âPharita, I need to hang up. I canât be doing this forever.â But she is with no intention to stop. Rather, it seems like she wants to step on and see how it would end up, because calling you alone must've been the point of no return. And you picking up helped yourself make it to the point of no destination, tragically.
One of so many things you fear is that you couldn't detect any sign of hesitation from her voice.
â...Did you miss me?â You can find no clue of hesitation on her face, either. The decision to ever dress up and meet you on a freezing night like this itself is a vivid proof of determination and need, come to think of it.
Think?
Her hands are already climbing up your sleeves to your forearm for a subtle clench. It reminds you of how hard you had to hold yourself from everything you didnât want to do. Itâs a dilemma, an irony, a paradox: a demolition of your mind. You couldâve said youâd forget everything you had seen and be together again. But even when her shameless âsorryâ was closer to a mere sigh than a farewell, grabbing her arm and hugging her again was the last thing you wanted yourself to do.
âBecause I did.â All you see is her innocent smile without any hint of seduction, as if what her fingers are doing is all she needed to vaporize your willpower to resist. She makes you feel like you didnât want to reject at all in the first place. âYou wonât say no, will you?â To hear her whisper love in your ears one last time. To touch her pulsing chest, to taste her leakage of pleasure for the last time.
To feel her for the last time. You even start to hope that there was no such thing as the last time. You find it impossible for your gaze to stay anchored to a single point. âPharita, you really shouldââ
âIs it still set to your birthday, the doorlock?â But from somewhere deep inside, you feel disgusted. Utter grossness. And maybe anger. You sense that if you lose it, there will be no bailing out. And you sense that you are on your way to losing everything.
Pharita entwined her leg around yours, trapping itself between your legs and the brick wall. You try to act fed up, surprised that you have to act that way. Perhaps the disgust has been toward yourself. Raging at what she did to you, but hesitant to push her away unlike what you told yourself more than a million times.
âYou donât want to do this.â You look away from her luring gaze and you are already out of breath. Something is strangling you from the very inside and you might know what that could be. âOh, yeah?â Her voice is low, airy and hot. You see her breath vanish into the cold air.
Her fingers never leave your forearm alone as she approaches half a step forward, slightly pushing her breasts against your ribs. âWhat do you want, then?â She notices your eyes unable to settle between her own eyes and lips and gives you a small victorious smirk. Then you feel her whole body pushing upon yours a little more.
Her thigh between yours feels so soft and you are convinced you arenât built for rejecting her. Her flesh is warm, even through your pants. On the inside you wanted her back, but on the outside you acted angry. Pharita brings her lips closer and closer to yours in the span of seconds.
âI think you want to fuck me.â You immediately grit your teeth as she unveils what you unknowingly but so obviously want. It is as if she wants to see you lose it. And if thatâs true, it is working, aimed at the very bottom of your composure.
You somehow lose any willpower to even resist or dive deeper; it could be considered a good sign, since you donât sense the flame inside you spark even when her tongue is invading every corner of your brain. There might still be a chance to pull back. Itâs just a kiss and both of you are fully clothed.
The cold air visualizes how hard you two are panting into each otherâs mouth. It sends you back to when you two were new to each other. The first winter was freezingâfreezing enough to emphasize how warm she was. Sex wasnât in the list of why you fell for her.
Pharita and you lived in a melodrama. One of those boring ones with no antagonists. Snowmen, warm hands, hot coffee and matching pairs of gloves and beanies. It was after all these that a loving kiss that led to sex happened. It was cold. So cold your noses and cheeks got strawberry-red. So cold you let her hands inside your pockets while locking lips and tongues.
It was the corruption that devoured her that disappointed you. You canât tell since when, but someday her crave for physical love began growing obsessive. You really shouldâve sensed the red light blinking.
It was a hard-earned peace. Telling yourself constantly that this is for you to grow up as a man, from an unguided boy blinded by love, by Pharita. It stings how she bites your lower lip. It hurt more when you saw her getting railed in pronebone in your room, in your bed, in your soaked sheet.
******
Itâs nothing more than an addiction now. Seeking for the sensation with empty eyes, empty emotion. âDidnât you need a night like this?â It has been days since the things she asks for in bed came to you as overwhelming. What you cherished was how soft you two were, locking eyes, lips and fingers. Just the right warmth without any concerns of getting burnt.
What makes you torn now is that Pharita has been trying new things; you hate it, but you canât stop it. âLike what?â She leaves you a smirk before bending down to get rid of her underwear. Almost everything has changed about her: how she dresses, how she undresses, how she touches you, and how she touches herself. Yet her body never fails to stun you.
âI got a new piercing.â The smirk stays on her eyes as she tilts her head to look up at you. A piece of metal on her left nipple subtly shakes as she sits on the edge of the bed. Speechless, you just follow her on the bed. You hate that sheâs turned away from what you visioned you two to be like. You hate that youâre irresistibly turned on by the look of it.
You hate that you donât actually hate it, and it looks like you surrender yet again to her. Uncomfortable, really. But Pharita pulls your pants down and the inconvenience is gone. Your back is flat on the mattress already. Her torso is lined up with your body already.
âDo you like it?â Pharita crawls up and smothers her tits on your face as you wrap her naked back with your arms. Itâs like her seduction is the anesthesia to your reason, stimulant to the animal inside you.
(You werenât like that; you never slapped, never throttled, never even thought about manhandling her. It all started when she started.)
You donât want to call it an unleashed beast, because youâve never put a leash on anything so far. It is more like Pharita opened another pair of eyes, another set of nerves. Youâd rather call it a newborn beast. And what is the most dangerous about a newborn is that it grows.
You already feel your heart race. It pounds into your head, makes your cock throb. âDidnât it hurt though?â You lay her down next to you before hovering over her. A little pinch on the pierced nipple makes her purr with a lipbite. âActually, it felt good.â The atmosphere is being saturated with all the sex appeal she emits, and you're breathing all of it in.
âIt felt just like youâre biting on it.â A playful smirk emphasizes the word âbiteâ as if sheâs pleading you to. Youâre half naked with your top still on. A dark green knitted vest over a white shirt. You wonât like it if it gets wet or the buttons rip off. The coat that was previously on has been on the floor for quite long.
You arenât sure about anything. Something is keeping you from freely indulging her. Itâs not her, vividly. But at the same time itâs her. From a lover from a soap opera to a girl with a pierced nipple. The animalistic you would say itâs an upgrade.
But you view it as a decadence. Itâs an addiction, and sadly but realistically, you understand her since she still has got the one you felt the tingle inside for. Youâre on the course, maybe. On the course to the realization that the one you used to know is for the past, and it is a foreseen future that she is leaving you.
Itâs not just a flying-by thought, itâs been growing and haunting you. It gave birth to millions of dilemmas. âBabe, you tell me this time,â It is as pointless as it looks, since there is no solution and there will be an only outcome.
âYou fuck me, or I ride you.â Itâs a mind trick, a simple one. Because sheâs asking me to choose while half of your cock is already being consumed by her wet folds as she mounts on your crotch. Your hands find her breast with the piercing and the waist on the other side. Itâs a shame that you complain about her becoming lusty and your hands land on her body like a habit.
Under that motion must lie the filthy side of yours, too. A few months ago, the nights you shared were full of pillow talking and movies. You found the calmness of it lovely. You thought Pharita was the one with that atmosphere.
âYou ride me.â She thumps down on you, which makes you gutter out any air left in you. Helps stop feeding your brain the air it needs, helps the uneasiness from all the concerns stop poking you. Both of your mouths are open with no breaths and it stays that way for a while.
The stimulation coming from her grinding hips accumulates. You feel the metal piece on her tit has gotten warm in your palm. Her hands on your stomach slightly push down as she raises her hips once more. Your eyes are seeing the most majestic face youâve seen put on the most desirous smile. Your body is taking all the sensations at once and is barely holding on.
Her moans sound the same as when she cumsâshe might've actually did, you donât knowâand you know sheâs not making anything up when the moans are low and guttural. Those unintentional, almost accidental screams that only you can force out.
Pharita sits down deep again before suddenly upping the pace to half a second. It still feels half the rate at which your heart is punching. The smacking sounds are so loud her moans are stifled that sheâs trying to hold back.
Her arms give up so she collapses upon you. Her forehead lines up with your nose, her teeth with the side of your neck. You feel her nipples pushing down on your ribs. Her ankles are hooked beneath your thighs as both your legs are locked by hers. She then hums into your collarbone at the rhythm of the pounding.
Your palms find the back of her head and her ass each as if those are their scripted positions. Not only scripted, but also rehearsed and filmed. You canât neglect the chemistry, really. Itâs your fear and desire.
âYouâre going too fast, Rita.â She takes a mouthful bite of the side of your neck and begins slurping on it. It makes you grip her hair harder. Her saliva ticklishly runs down to your nape, probably touching her own hands on the sheet. Itâs an unaffordable boost to your nervous system, on top of the selfish speed sheâs rocking her ass on your cock.
âIâm not fast enough. Itâs not fucking enough.â The closer you get, the faster she goes. Her intentions are clearly not her orgasm, but yours. It surely is by far the hardest to take, since this is the first time you are experiencing this kind of rabid sex. First time for something this pornographic. You feel somewhat stuck in between love for her and the urge for her body.
âInside me. Do it deep inside me.â You squeeze her ass cheeks as hard as you try to hold back. It feels sick. But sick only because itâs so good. Itâs like eating an overly sweet caramel. You canât ignore the guilt that comes from it. There must be consequences.
Look how it is: her soft tits smothered on your chest, her candy voice slurring nastiest profanities right into your brain, a handful of her cheeks in your hands and above all, thereâs this needy girlâs insides preying on your release. All of this at once, overloading your senses relentlessly for minutes so far.
A stream of clean liquid begins to gush out from her hole to your testicles and all over the bed. Pharita nevertheless keeps on pushing herself deeper down on you. The only clue of her climax is that she is almost biting your skin off of your neck, that her whole body spasms irregularly, and that the yelp she let out is hitting your eardrum from the inside.
âFuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuââ It is too late when you find out that all the water she squirted was merely a premonition of a back-arching orgasm that soon hit her with a literal splash. Her toes catch the underside of your legs as they curl into a clench. Her back arches, and you see a strand of her drool that links her tongue and your neck.
You have never seen her cumming this hard. Itâs a profound impact on you to see her so wrecked like that. âAre you okay?â You lay her on her back as you sit up between her spread legs.
The aftermath bliss seems to have wrecked her system, but not completely. Chest up, her skin is hot and red. Mouth agape for air needed for recovery, breasts heaving up and down in sync with her ragged breath while her eyes never leave yours. Her hands fondle her own tits as the fingers play with her nipples.
âI said âfuck meâ. Fill me up.â It's a cursed spell. Almost feels like a trigger pulled inside your head. Pharita might be a possessor of the sexiest âfuckâ you've ever heard.
Being strict with yourself feels rather useless when it comes to her naked body pushed onto yours. Wet sounds everywhere, her tongue forces yours to duet with it and she sucks whatever air that's left for you to squeeze out a groan as her ass thumps down on your crotch.
The pitch of her panting sound rises as the pace at which her body rams down on yours de-orbits out of her hand. From the slightest spasms of her wet inside to the vivid shakes of her chin due to the brutal bite on her lower lip, itâs a sign that sheâs blinded as of now. Even deaf, maybe.
But what is so sure is that all her other sensesâtaste, touch and olfactoryâare taking up the leftover capacities of them. Her head is buried deep in your neck soon after as her moans heat your blood running through your throat. It overheats your brain easily and helps you feel the beat of your heart in your head.
âYouâre just so good at this. Tooââ Her tongue stops forming words just to lick and suckle on your lower chin. The smacking sounds have turned wet and squelchy and Pharita is having a feast on your face. Youâve never felt this dirty. You have never felt this shameful.
Youâve never felt this heavenly, this hot and this fucking good. Your orgasm spurts deep inside her gripping pussy, threatening to mark her wavering womb as yours. Your toes grip and drag the sheet underneath while your fingers are pinning her ass down on you as Pharita tries to keep pistoning.
It is beyond your abilities to keep breathing. Thinking is gone, too. âToo fucking good to be true.â That was what she gave up murmuring to make you cum, but unfortunately it leaves your brain as soon as it enters. To be honest, nothing even enters your brain and it is like you are just floating around the haze she gifted you.
Pharita lets go of your cock and crawls up a bit to feed you her tits. Her hands are put beside each side of your head for support, the pierced side of her breast is pushed on your face as it cuts off air again. Her feet find your still-tweaking cock and begin a half-baked, no-look footjob.
Itâs the moment where the balance breaks. Where the seesaw tilts, where everything becomes a silent tug of war. It was always mutual, even the way you two mixed bodies in bed. Now you find yourself receiving overwhelming lust from her. Itâs like youâre trying to jump in higher gravity. Invisible, yet it holds you down.
Youâre lethargically letting her do anything, however. âIt tastes good, doesnât it?â The overstimulation is damaging your sanity, backed up by the softness and the heat of her tit pressed down on your face. She positioned it perfectly for the nipple to be between your lips as it stifles your breathless groan. Your fingers are desperately reaching deeper into the mattress, same as your toes.
Soon your soul is splattered all over her feet and lower back. It hits you like waves, spurt after spurt. Those waves are single-handedly drowning you. You feel it in your guts that this will be irreversible.
âI love seeing you cum so hard like this.â You have come a long way from just a simple âI love youâ to this. Is the one that loved you as you are gone? Thinking about it only makes your head congested, even worse when youâre recovering from an unexpected blissful sex.
******
âWhat do you mean it was too much? You loved it.â She gives you a light scoff. âItâs never too much, baby. I just like you that much.â
âDonât be like youâre different, I know youâre just the same.â It runs you over like a truck. Your pupils shake looking at her. It might be easy to just admit and enjoy, but you still feel something off. Itâs an endless conflict. You cherish the romantic, pastel-tone days with Pharita. You canât say you hate how vibrant and bold colored your relationship has been the past few days.
âYou like me that much too, right? Weâre the same.â Youâre in a cafe with her. Her brown hair is magically running down her shoulders, complementing the beige knit that shows off her curves. You love the way she never misses to stun you.
âIâve said it a thousand times,â She leans back on the chair she is seated on. Your head is so complex with so many thoughts it feels empty.
âYou break up with me, you break up with yourself.â
Tonight should have been one of the best nights of your life.
Instead, it feels like the end of the world.
See, you had the whole thing planned out months in advance. How the proceedings would go from start to finish. It was gonna be special; people would go crazy. They'd cheer, celebrate, and scream your name so loud you'd feel like you're on top of the world.
None of that happened. What you were left with is a broken dream and absolute heartbreak.
 âââââ
Time flies when you're having fun. At least that's what was supposed to happen.
Tonight should have been the triumphant climax of all your hard work and patience. The culmination of five long years of diehard, borderline obsessive fandom. Years of saving little by little, counting the days, making countless prayers to a God that's mostly indifferent, until, finallyâyour pleas had been heard by the powers above. One simple announcement on a Wednesday morning:
IVE is coming for their world tour.
You've been a fan since debut. Anticipated the months after Yujin and Wonyoung finished their time in IZ*ONE. Almost five years since you knew they'd be the one, you'd only seen them from behind screens, in other people's cameras, and curated content. Years pass; they take over Korea, eventually the world. You have no place in it. But you're still waiting.
For lack of a better word, you're obsessed.
Not in a stalkerish, 'I'll follow them to their place and bother them' way. Fucking no. You know your boundaries as a fan. Rather, the kind that teeters along the line of parasocial and absolute dedication. Their influence is all over your bedroom: posters that plaster the walls, shelves of magazines with them on the cover that you carefully maintain from dust, binders upon binders of photocards both common and rare, but most importantly, albums of every version that you consider sacred. The crown jewel of your hypercapitalist consumption.
The family says you're wasting your time and money. Your friends laugh it off and call you quirky, steering conversations away from K-pop whenever possible, because they know you'll go into 30 minute tangents that somehow lead into IVE. At least they're understanding. Or highly tolerant.
They don't really know just how deep it goes. How much these six women mean to you, beyond the music and the fact they're so unbelievably pretty. That's a given.
But back to the matter at hand:
You've had the dates marked on the calendar the moment the official announcement hit. After five years and two world tours, they were stepping foot on home soil for the first time. Your territory. Not a festival with only 30-45 minutes per performer, not even as a one hour headliner. A full blown concert. They'd missed you the first go around, and for many days and nights, you'd cursed everything. Lamented that the only way you could ever remotely get close to these girls was to take a flight elsewhere, and the process was already a battle of its own.Â
Not anymore. That risk was gone; the only thing you needed to secure was the ticket. You'll worry about what happens after.
And you'd been preparing. Waiting for the day when you could finally take from an account that had been storing bits of leftover money from your salary or allowance, four years of slow-burning patience and hope.
It was enough. More than. Except it wasn't.Â
You were not taking any chances. You used every dirty trick in the book; bots, third-parties, people who only accepted a small fee in exchange for direct links to skip the impossibly long queue, to get an unassailable advantage even during presale. The people were yearning for more K-pop concerts, and at last, they were blessed. In a place where live music is few and far between, you weren't the only one starved. Anyone, regardless of their public recognition, could come and sell out if they went; that's how dry it's been.Â
All those efforts weren't for naught. You're right where you want to be: front row. Exactly where they'd be passing by every now and then.
The rest could take care of itself.
 Even through your earplugs, you can feel the ground moving beneath and the collective noise of thousands piercing your eardrums. The way the roar of the crowd reverberates everywhere, the bass of the speakers thrumming throughout the arena.Â
You're ready. Everyone is ready.
Anticipation pulses through your veins. You're counting the minutes till they take the stage. Lightstick on one handâthe latest versionâyour phone in the other. Your bag feels heavy, but the adrenaline makes you soar. Not even the stash of freebies from other fans, tour merch you'd bought at a rinkydink tent after waiting in line for hours, and an album and some photocards you hope they'll sign keeps you down.
This is your second concert, actually. You promised they would be your first, but circumstances got in the way. So you wound up flying off elsewhere to see another group instead. But finally, after four years of watching behind screens, of saving what little money you can, of building a shrine to the girl group of your dreamsâit's all led to this.
The lights go dark. The crowd lets out a thunderous roar. Nothing else matters anymore; only you and the stars on that stage.
They emerge like angels descending from heaven to bless the ground you're stepping on. In all black leather looking lethal. It's a tired saying, but screens do little justice to how godly they are in real life.
And for the most part, it's everything you wanted and more. They move at a breakneck pace, performing one song to the next, even completing their solos with hardly any opportunities for them to speak until past the first hour (when they formally introduce themselves). Then they do their trademark hits. At one point, the crowd barks; you cringe, but they revel in it, so it's now tolerable. Your ears may be hurting, your arms are sore holding up their lightstick, and your body is being put through hell and back crammed inside a crowded pit, but you're having the time of your life.
You don't think in the moment; the music is still booming, and your fervor is still at a fever-pitch. They come out for the encore and spread everywhere. A member or two comes around your area every now and then. You hold up a sign. One handcrafted from love and patience. They glance, but their attention ends up with someone else. Even when you wave harder, they give hearts, blow kisses, but not of them land on you.Â
Something shifts. Your zeal flickers. They're now giving their farewell speeches, and fans are shouting mid-speech: they laugh, giggle, get them to answer back. You're still holding up the sign in the hopes one of them will acknowledge it, but their gaze fixes up ahead. They do their final two songs, and the cycle repeats: a member passes your way, you hold up a sign, they look everywhere except you. Each pass, each distant gaze chips away at your heart.
And after two hours, it ends.
Confetti springs everywhere, they're waving goodbye, headed in your direction as a collective. Fuck concert etiquette now; you have your sign held up to the sky. Just a flicker, a single point of recognition is all you want. Their gazes move from left to right, mostly at the seated lower boxâbut they look past you again. To the people beside you. Everywhere but you. Then they turn away. They've given you the cold shoulder.
They take their final bows and walk to the back of the stage, still waving as the panel closes in front of them, and then they're gone for good.Â
The stage lights come back on. Staff usher out the crowds, telling them to leave as the cleanup crew steps in. VIPs are told over the speaker to stay put. You are staying put, but your excitement has completely died. Your body leans on the barricade, folding in utter disbelief, giving out after enduring so much: the frenzied movement of the crowd, the energy you exerted waving your lightstick and sign, a general lack of sleep, and the fact that none of the girls looked at you even once.
But the night isn't quite over yet. There's still a send-off. And one way or another, you will leave with something.
âââââ
Waiting is its own torture.
You're scrolling through your camera roll in the meantime, scanning, assessing all the photos and videos you've taken. None of them do justice to how they truly shine with your own two eyes, even with the occasional blur and shake. Being a hair's width from them, breathing the same air as themâit should have been enough. It isn't.
There's no point of contact. Not a single photo, not a single second, not even a single frame in any of the footage you've checked where at least one of the girls meet you or your lens, even when they're right in front of you. Nothing at all.Â
You were too caught up in the heat of the moment to truly notice. How they'd get the ones beside you or behind you, but never exactly you. The way they'd skip past in favor of someone else. Maybe it's only coincidence; so far, you haven't analyzed every video frame by frame.
Doesn't matter right now. The staff are making the announcement, ushering in clusters of VIPs into the backstage pen where send-off happens. Perhaps this is how the universe corrects; that this is the twist that tonight will bring to give you the happy ending you dreamed of.
When they lead your section in, you follow along. Carefully monitoring the environment, the groups that have already flanked the front rows ahead. There's hardly any space left to fit in, nor is there enough room around the corners. At this point, you'd be three or four people behind, some behemoths, others carrying obstructive signs. If they couldn't see you up front, they definitely won't see you now. But your eagle-eyed gaze catches on the far right edge of the room: a tiny, intimate zone beside a concrete pillar that is an island in and of itself.Â
So while no one's watching or paying attention, you stake your claim: a prime spot before anyone else even considers it. Given the circumference of the lounge, they're bound to walk past you again. This time, you'll correct those mistakes.
The others pick up rather late, take their spots beside you. No matter. You're still in a prime spot, right as they're about to exitâor where they'll start first. Either way, that interaction you've been chasing is all but guaranteed. Surely.
For a few minutes, everyone waits. Across your vantage point, some push and assert their presence, but for the most part, it's all calm, tense excitement. One last chance to see their favorites up close. But for you, one last chance to prove you meant something.
From a distance, a door can be heard swinging open. The ripple comes quietly at first, like the calm before an incoming tsunami. And then, a thunderous roar echoes around the intimate room.
They're here. Again. Still wearing their encore fits. Still unbelievably ethereal.Â
Etched on their features are tired but steady little smiles. But they're not complaining, nor does the idol veneer crack. It's only been 40 minutes since the concert ended, and they were performing for almost two and a half hours straight. Yet here they are, waving at everyone like they can go another round. They're professional as ever, even when signs and albums and phones are being harshly thrust upon their faces.
Your items are ready: a pen, their latest album, the same A4 sized sign you've been raising on and off throughout the show, now ragged and worn, and a set of photocards, one for each member to sign. There's also a handwritten letter in your bag that you plan to bring out when they get close. And somehow, even after two hours of shouting and yelling, you still have a voice. You'll expend the last your lungs can produce if it means they finally see you.
They're starting from the other side of the room, and you watch them deliver their best. From left to right, they settle into fanservice like it's muscle memory.
Gaeul calmly waves at anyone she sees. She looks at a girl's banner with her photos on it and a message printed in big Hangul font. Points at it like it's the most precious thing in the world. Then she leans forward to pose for another fan's phone, and it's like the spotlight is shining just for her. She asks them to show the photo, and after a brief inspection, nods in approval before moving on.
Leeseo's moving like a ball of charisma. Her smile is sunshine incarnate. She's energetically active on her feet, but grounded at the same time. She meets a half-heart from a girl and completes it. Then another. And another. Someone presents their Erang-e plush in front of her, and she tickles the fabric like it were her own. Someone's trying to reach out for a heart from behind a trash bin, and she meets them halfway. Doesn't matter that her hair's touching the chute; she's gonna meet them all.
Rei's the chattiest of the bunch. Hand to her ear, playfully making everyone shout louder, listening as everyone calls out her name. And somehow, in the midst of the commotion, she can single out a specific voice to find them. A fan holds up a sign asking her to do that stupidgesture, and she does exactly that with her cheeky trademark grin. The crowd roars its approval as they all collectively shout 'six-seven!', sharing a laugh with them before moving on.
Wonyoung is exactly who she is: an untouchable princess, grace given human form. Her movements are effortless, but deliberate; she keeps herself distant from the barricade, but she's the most attentive and keen-eyed (though they all are). She points at every girl in the crowd, her skin radiant under the pale orange lights, and she floats along the line with her usual style. Someone asks her to do her legendary twirl, and she delivers, leaving that section swooning. Another asks her if she can have her photocard with her face signed; she claps her hands together gently and bows apologetically. To compensate, she playfully waves her fingers around in the shape of her signature and blesses their camera.
Liz quietly scans the crowd. Takes her sweet time to find someone holding a banner clearly breaking venue rules, with a clear message: Kim Jiwon you're unreal! She gently laughs and blows a kiss directly at the lucky fan, who almost immediately fucking loses it. Much like her older member, she keeps a respectable distance from the barricade, but her eyes quickly work through those holding her photocards, banners, and makes sure she points out every single one. Someone asks them to pose with Rei; of course she hesitates, but Rei obliges and the chemistry is undeniable.
And finally, Yujin makes the girls in front berserk. She knows she's got them all hooked. The slight hint of her toned midriff is enough for them to go feral. She keeps the motions simple: wave, then heart. Rinse and repeat. But every now and then, she'll tease her bare shoulder off the cut part of her shirt, or lift the bottom to make her stomach clear, and she relishes in being gawked at.
Slowly but surely, the members make their trip around the line. Trying to find every face possible, trying to acknowledge everyone in the room. Staff and security closely flanking each girl gesture subtly, whispering behind tightly knit hands. A little bit faster please. We have to go.Â
And they try. Even with the pressures of time, they try. Most of the love and affection end up falling in the first three rows; anyone below 5'5 and those in the back are hidden behind taller, more demanding heads and a cloud of unruly banners, signs, picket fans, and cellphones. It's bad luck and poor optics at play.
Not you. You're in the right spot. The place perfectly suited for them to find you as they finish their walk around the line.
So you wait. Each step forward they take makes you tenser, more anxious. The thought starts out innocuous: what if they don't see you, what if they stop right before your section, what ifâ
No. There's no way they wouldn'tâ
But not right now. They're about to turn the corner, one member after the other. Gaeul first.
Phone in one hand, sign on the other. You've returned the photocards and album back into your bag, knowing they've actively refused to sign anything other than air. Company rules or whatever bullshit, it's not gonna happen tonight. That's what fansigns are for, probably. Any interactionâeven a second of clear recognition through your lensâis more than enough to complete your night.Â
You're screaming her name now. Still harsh, still as loud as it was two hours ago, even when the cracks occasionally show. She's completing a guy's heart, mere spaces beside you. Waves to someone in the back holding a Dal-e plush. The guy you've been beside with the whole concert shows her a banner with her head photoshopped wearing an orange around her head, and she laughs, pointing at it and asking if she can hold it for a photo. Her gaze shifts quickly, and you can feel her eyes tilting in your direction. This is itâ
But she snags right before you make direct eye contact, stops on a dime and turns on her heel, walking away from your section, slowly, waving off to the crowd in the distance. Ouch.
So you try again. Rei bounds in next, smiling from ear to ear. She hi-fives a kid and gently pats her head, then does her trademark aegyo for a fan holding a sign saying he traveled from the Philippines just to see her. Right there, dancing along the barrier, she's just one glance away from finding youâand she doesn't. Much like Gaeul, she turns around and heads the other way, done with your section.
The pain doesn't ache, at least not right away. Your smile quirks just a tad. Hope isn't completely dead yet. Not until they're all saying goodbye. Still four more chances. Surely.Â
The worst thing imaginable isn't about to happen, right.
Leeseo steps in, still lively as ever, still infectious. She completes a heart from someone in the third row, pushing through the wall of bodies between her and the fan sandwiched in there. But that's pretty much it; she takes a step back to wave at the surrounding area, which somehow feels intentionally hurtful and personal since her gaze completely erases your presence, and blows a kiss spanning everyone but you. Then like the members before her, she proceeds to look the other away and back to the center.
Still keeping her distance, Wonyoung points and shoots. Blesses every fan she finds with her magic fingers. A girl holds up a paper asking her to make a wish since it happens to be her birthday, and she pauses. Closes her eyes, softly puts her hands together for a brief moment of prayer, and then blows a magic candle in her direction. She spots a fan in the fourth row holding up a peach-shaped sign with a picture of Yujin and her together from one of their fansigns. Yujin spots it and joins her in winking at that lucky son-of-a-bitch. Then Wonyoung spins away in the opposite direction.
At this point, it feels like you're fighting an uphill battle. No matter how much you scream their names, they don't hear you. No matter how hard you wave your sign, it simply doesn't exist. In their eyes, somehow, you seem to be like transparent glass that they see right past.
You don't break, at least not completely. Your knees begin to crumple, your heart splintering into fractures. You barely manage to keep the tears at bay, trying to avoid causing a scene, especially in a private, intimate setting like this, with all the phones around and the idols you adore standing right there.Â
Your gut tells you it's over, to give up and accept the harsh and brutal reality that you're nobody, but your heart believes in miracles.Â
It's only delusional until it works.
Fortunately, Yujin hasn't completely turned away yet. She's moved back in the line to entertain what you assume to be a personal friend, and Liz is now going ahead. So you focus on her instead. She blinks, waves tirelessly at every fan she can see. Someone dressed as her from the Eleven music video (Elizabeth Helga Muller, obviously) catches her eye, and in a rare moment, she steps forward to pose for her camera. But it's fleeting; she steps back just as quickly as she bounded, and returns to waving at everyone within her line of sight. Even so, you appear invisible to her; she stops right at the fan beside you, pointing her face on the guy's shirt and takes her leave.
And finally, Yujin. Back to completing your section, she laughs at a sign held by a guy saying he's cray cray for her. She winks at a fan's camera, then poses by flaunting her bare, toned shoulder for good measure. The screams climb a pitch higher, much to her amusement. You're screaming her name loudly; you don't know where this second wind came from. Desperation, most likely. Like if she doesn't find you within the next five or so seconds, you're probably going to explode.
Nothing like that happens, obviously. But the pain doesn't hurt any fucking less. If she was holding a knife, then she twisted it into your heart, took it out, and then stabbed you again for good measure.Â
So yeah. Of course she doesn't see you either.
One last time, all six girls gather at the center of the lounge where everyone can see, and they wave in every direction. Yujin yells out "Thank you for coming! Safe travels everyone!" to a roar of approval from the crowd. Then they leave, in the direction where they entered fromâfor good.Â
It's only after Liz, the last member to disappear past the door, when reality finally sets in:
You are nothing to them. You mean nothing to them. They don't love you like that.Â
The tears come falling down. Slowly at first; little drops here and there, the occasional sob and sniffle shadowing the blind, carefree joy that had been stretched thin the moment the stage lights came back on. But it waterfalls almost as quickly, trickles onto the floor like storms on a dark, gloomy sky. Your head bows almost instinctively, like you've laid someone or something you love to rest after watching them die. And something did: a piece of your heart. Actually, the whole goddamn thing.
You didn't ask for much. You didn't even want them to read your sign anymore; a simple eye contact from even just one member was all you wanted. A glimmer of recognition from the people you loved unconditionally, through highs and heartbreaks, and they couldn't even deliver that. Four years of waiting. Of hoping. Of praying for a moment where they could see you, and it never came.Â
At first, you thought of the whys, the hows. Where it all went wrong. Nothing makes sense. You had signs like everyone else. Their lightstick in your hand. By the grace of God, you were posted up front row. Screamed their names like it was your religion. There were countless moments, opportunities, frames where you swear they would have 100% found you, but no. Three different avenues to see you, just once, even for a tiny glimpse, and you were completely invisible.Â
In the end, you were nothing. You've been nothing. It took this, a brutal wake-up call for you to realize that.
The world you know has been reduced to blurs and white noise. Your knees have given up; you've let your body melt onto the metal post like all the adrenaline keeping you afloat has finally run dry. Even as the crowd begins to disperse, as security and staff usher out the VIPs since they have to clean house for tomorrow's event, you remain there. Frozen. Unwilling to let the impossibility of the situation fully sink in.Â
Eventually, you push away. Your legs move of their own accord, slowly walking away from the place where your heart was crushed. To avoid being hounded by the staff, probably not; the world keeps turning. Life goes on.Â
Here's the harsh, cruel reality of fandom: the biggest, core memory defining nights of your life is just another Saturday to them. For them, it's another date on an already tiring marathon, another stopover to a massive paycheck. They always say the same things, about how much they love all their fans, love the place they're performing in, and it's all in the oh-so obvious rehearsed script. You should have known this by now; the screen containing their script was right next to you on the floor.
But for the four years you've waited, it was real. And for those two hours or so, you wanted it to be true. Instead, it turned out to be a fucking lie. You peered through the magician's hat and instead of finding a rabbit, there was nothing at all.
The only thing left is a heart that's been completely hollowed out.
âââââ
Suddenly, everything feels louder, more oppressive. More tilting than the floor you'd been standing on for hours.
The walk out of the venue feels like a slow-moving procession to your fandom. Instead of leaving in joy like everyone else, you're walking away defeated and dejected. Your shoulders are slouched, head dipped to avoid human contact, the bag holding your merch barely clinging to your hand.Â
You feel alien. Actually, you are.
All around you, people are celebrating. Fans, families, friends moving along in high-spirits, comparing interactions, texting loved ones, sharing pics and fancams that are worth a few hundred likes on social media at the bare minimum. 'Gaeul pointed at my banner!' 'Wonyoung blew me a kiss!' 'Rei laughed at my sign!' 'Liz took a selfie with me!' 'Leeseo completed my heart!' 'Yujin danced Genie for meâ'
Every win is a personal attack; every smile and laugh is an insult. Nevertheless, you quietly soldier on.Â
Outside, lampposts guide your way around the mostly lifeless parking lot. The crowd behind you becomes dark blots the further you get away: some hail cabs, others leaving in organized carpools, the rest walking to nearby hotelsâsame as you. The noise fades the deeper you go. It's here, when the only thing you can hear is the crunch of gravel on the floor, is where you finally feel well and truly alone. Walking by your lonesome in this empty night, it's as if you're returning to the dark, empty void where you belong.
At the outer edges of the car park, you come across a dumpster. One side of the lid is open, reeking of God knows what kind of trash. You lift your plastic bag containing evidence of tonight's wreck: half a dozen unopened photocard packs, a white tour shirt and matching gray hoodie, a handmade sign you spent countless tries perfecting and fucking up, quirked up with each member's distinct personalities, aesthetic preferences, and MINIVE stickers, and finally, the group's lightstick dimmed out.
And much like an alcoholic waking up after a hangover, you begin questioning your life choices.
I should have just followed this group instead. Should have never gotten into K-pop. Should have just stayed home. Wasted all that time, effort, and money to be treated like shit. Could have made my money back if I just sold my ticket, maybe more in the secondary market. Some desperate fuck would have paid for itâ
Four years of support. Of waiting. Of hoping. For nothing.
You flinch just remembering. It's in vivid detail: how they glossed over you, how their gazes flicked over and right past you, as if they had actual malicious intent. How they must have perceived you. Like they knew you were there, somehow, and actively chose to avoid you like you were carrying the plague. It doesn't make sense, because tonight never did.Â
Your hands are trembling uncontrollably. You're unknowingly shedding tears that didn't escape the first time. The heart has finally understood, and is now telling you this: they hate you. They don't love you like that. Anger has taken grief's place.
So you crumple the bag. Crushing all its contents, but they don't breakânot quite. The clothes are wrinkled. The packs are still mostly in place, hardly scratched, and the sign is partially bent, but mostly intact.Â
God, you just want to smash it against the dumpster now out of sheer frustration.
Perhaps this is a sign of mercy. That one man's trash is, indeed, another man's treasure. Fine.
So you let your hand hover over the opened side of the bin. Let go.
But you're hesitating, unwilling to pull the trigger, even as your fingers loosen their grip. Letting go means you're done with this life for good. And you're not quite sure what will happen after that.
Suddenly, your breath hitches. Your brain registers something: a touch. Behind you. On your shoulder.
So you stop.Â
Turning around slowly, you're expecting venue security ordering you to stop loitering. You'll say 'Just a moment, I'll leave shortly,' or some fan asking about your experience, probably flexing their interaction and pretending to commiserate when they just want to inflate their ego or something. No amount of excuses can hide the pained look on your face. And you'll quietly tolerate it, because you don't want to ruin your night any further by affecting others who are there for themselves too.
With a heavy sigh, you're glancing up from the ground, expecting the inevitable. Your lips are already moving, mumbling some made-up alibi: "Sorry, I was justâ"
The words die just as suddenly as they come. It isn't security nor a random fan, none of that: it's much, much worse.
Six distinct figures are standing there, lined up in their usual position from left to right, several breaths away, under the same streetlamp as you. No barriers, no staff keeping you apart; just some K-pop idols fresh off a concert, wearing the same clothes from the same crime scene where they broke you.
Nothing about tonight makes any goddamn sense anymore. The image is difficult to comprehend, but you're staring wide-eyed: why on God's green earth is IVE outside at an empty parking lot. You saw them leave with your own two eyes. How they glossed over you at every single opportunity. How they would narrowly avoid making direct contact, as if you were declared persona non grata. And now, they're here. Actually looking at you. Without obstructions.
Yujin's a step closer compared to the others, but their eyes all share the same expression: concern, regret, apologetic. Her smile is there; not the stage-friendly, upbeat grin that makes her Popo, but a fraction: willfully restrained, delicate. She's twiddling her thumbs, casting her gaze down to the ground, trying to find the appropriate words to say. And when she does, it comes out just as small as her lips:
"Hi. We didn't mean to startle you."
It doesn't quite register; not at all. Seeing them is one thing, but hearing Yujin herself actually talking to youâafter seemingly ghosting you the entire night, after you've tried so hard to get their attention, even just one memberâis another.
"We didn't realizeâ" Rei starts. She's got her hands behind her back, also tilting her eyes down to the pavement, shifting her weight from one leg to the other. Her usual energy is equally as dialed down as Yujin's smile, inhibited to something safer, more intimate. "We were waving goodbye, and then I turned to my left, and I saw someone crying. I thought I was just tired, or that it was tears of joy, but I saw you, crumpled at the barricade, and I knew something was wrong."
"Yes," Leeseo interjects. Her smile beams, but it lacks her usual energy, reading the roomâor space, in this case. "I also saw you too. Or at least I thought I did. I didn't realizeâwe missed you."
"But by then, it was already late. Staff told us to keep moving, and we couldn't come back to you," Gaeul finishes.Â
Their voices are quiet. Too quiet. The entire time you saw them, you'd watched them remain steady and persistent through exhaustion and one tiring choreography after another. Now, they feelâhuman.
Liz doesn't say a word; rather, she gently places both her hands close to heart, eyes closed, quietly shedding a tear, letting it fall down her cheek. And Wonyoung, being, wellâWonyoungâsoftly nods along in agreement, her hands folded together, keeping her gaze on you.Â
As one unified group, they lean forward. And with one shared voice, they lower their heads.
"We're sorry."
Formally. Ninety degrees. Their hair fully blocking their faces. The kind reserved for when words aren't enough to atone for a grave mistake.
When they straighten up, Yujin's the one speaking on their behalf. "I know this seems like a lot to take in, but" âshe pauses. Swallows her throat, closes her eyes for a flash before looking you in the eye againâ "We see you now. We're here. And we are so, so sorry."
And to be quite honest, you don't know how to react. Because you've experienced more lifetimes within the last three hours compared to every other day you've been living on this earth until now. Tonight has thrust you into one roller coaster after another. It's a miracle you haven't thrown up yet, but you'd rather just get off the ride, actually.Â
To say that all of this is hard to believe would be an understatement.
"No." The word comes out naturally, inaudible, like you don't want them to hear you now, after you already spent your vocal cords and your lungs screaming their names to high heaven. Instinctively, you're stepping back like a trapped animal, haunted by the ghosts you tried calling out to no avail. "This isn't" âyou say, hoarse and worn, flinching and wincing in light pain as your shoulder bumps the closed lid of the dumpster you were ready to toss your life intoâ "You're notâ"
"We are," Rei gently interjects. She takes a step forward, joining Yujin. The girls maintain a respectful distance, even as you stagger away. "This is real.We're real."
"No, no. You can't make me believe." You're smiling, but it's deranged. Laughing a little, too. Not because you're happy to see them, but rather the utter insanity of this situation and everything leading up to this moment. "This has to be some kind of joke."
You're scanning your surroundings now, waving your arms around like you've caught their scheme: hidden cameras, boom mics, skeleton production staff, expecting the rug pull that you're not actually talking to IVE at all. Or at least, the same idols you've seen on stage and on screen. "Alright, you got me guys. I enjoyed the prank, but you can stop now."
"It's really just us," Gaeul insists. She looks remorseful. The way she constantly assesses you,then flickers away when you meet her gaze halfway, uncomfortable watching you acting lost. Or she's sorry for herself. How they made you like this. You don't fucking know anymore. "No cameras. No staff. This is justâus."
"Sure," you snicker, and your reply comes out a little higher, a tinge more angry than intended. The idea is just ridiculous, even for your own delusions, and you explain it best: "because why would any K-pop group be looking for some random fan at 10 in the evening after finishing a concert when they should be flying out now. Is that right?"
Leeseo flinches slightly. Almost imperceptible, but you catch it because Wonyoung's right there to hold her while she's trembling. And through the seeming hurt and a shed tear, she manages to speak steadily: "Weâwe ran out. Our manager said no. They said we were in a hurry and needed to go. But we insisted otherwise. Just for you," she sniffles. "You wereâ"
"Shattered," Liz completes, facing her despondent member, sharing in her pain. "You looked really, really sad."
You don't bother denying. God, you weren't even trying to hide the fact you looked absolutely destroyed. It's one of the few times where being alone actually helped; every other fan was too busy celebrating their interactions to notice you falling apart, and they saw through that.
"But why? Why here? Why now?" You find your voice somehow, teetering between confusion and anger, and you're not holding back. It doesn't matter you're shouting at the very idols you loved so dearly; there's only pain, despair, and an innate urge to validate your feelings. "I was there. Soundcheck. The concert. The send-off. Three different opportunities where you could have seen me. Even just once. But you didn't. Youâ"
"We messed up. We know," Yujin interrupts, sounding smaller than before. It's genuine pain, taken from a place that feels sincere, like you directly took a shot to their heart. "But we did see you. You were front row, closest to the main stage. And at the corner during send-off. You were holding a sign. Itâit's justâ"
"âoverwhelming," Rei completes her member's sentence as Yujin sputters. You've never seen her look this deflated, thisâdowntrodden. Same for the other members. "We try. There's so many of you, but we try our best to reach you all. We know how much you give to supporting us, and we do our best to give that love back. But sometimes" âher gaze flickers to the floor, to the girls, their hearts and minds moving as oneâ "people slip through the cracks. Sometimes we miss them, and believe me when I say: it pains all of us. Staff tells us to keep moving, and we try to stay and accommodate you all for as long as we can. It happens. But it doesn't mean we love them any less. It's just" âshe sighsâ "a hard lesson for us to do better next time."
Honesty stings. As painful as it sounds to hear, and even with the sincerity emanating from their tone, some part of you feels like this is rehearsed. Like they've had this situation happen before. Fanservicey bullshit to make everyone feel included, somehow, even when the evidence is right there.Â
"But," Wonyoung starts, careful to make sure each word is chosen deliberately and carried by the wind. She's placed Leeseo in Liz's care and steps forward slowly, like approaching a wounded animal. Stopping inches from you, her mole's now visible, her hands a touch away. "it's never personal. I swear, we never meant to ignore you intentionally."Â
You're shaking your head, firmly in denial. Only someone who willingly ignored you would make such a pathetic, lazy excuse.
"You don't have to believe what we say, nor do you have to forgive us," adds Gaeul. She's stepping forward too, sharing the same distance from you as Yujin and Rei. "But we just needed to come here and apologize. To you. Personally."
You can't stress this enough: nothing makes any fucking sense anymore.
"Butâwhy me?" you argue. You're losing your mind, your brain going around in circles. "You had other fans. They probably got ignored too. Fans who actually deserveâ"
"You were alone," says Yujin, and the world comes to a full stop. It's delivered quietly, just like every other word, but the impact is far more devastating. And the reason is right there, standing mere inches away from you: the very people that made you feel like you belonged somewhere, now outwardly expressing your inner feelings. "Everyone was with friends or family, or if they were crying, it was tears of joy. But youâ"
She pauses. Releases a held breath that feels heavier than it should. And when she opens her mouth again, a tear happens to escape her eye. "You were walking like you had nowhere to go. Like you had nothing left."
So when you were contemplating what would happen next had you thrown everything in that dumpster, you really meant it. They were your everything, your purpose. They made you feel special without ever being aware of your existence. And when they looked past you like you were air, the foundation of your life was shaken to its very core.Â
They saw you as nothing. Fuck, you were nothing. And that is more heartbreaking than any relationship.
The tears follow naturally. Again. Really, what else can you do other than fall apart. Of course you wanted them to see youâwhat fan wouldn't want their favorite idols to notice themâbut not like this. You, at your lowest, shaking uncontrollably, drowning in your own guilt and shame, overwhelmed by so much. Meanwhile, they're standing there, apologizing for something that's not even their fault.Â
This should have been a joyous moment, something you can happily tell your friends over and over and remember for a lifetime; now you just feel like shit for making them go out this far for something that, by all accounts, is an accident. They have better things to do and places to be, but no: they're right there, trying to mend a broken heartâyour heartâand you feel all the worse for it. You're so caught up in your own grief that you don't realize that the bag containing their essenceâthe very bag you were intending to throw awayâslips from your clasp, clattering to the ground.Â
Liz takes a step forward. Suddenly stops. She's held back by Yujin and Gaeul, and she immediately understands. Leeseo doesn't; she rushes past everyone, ignoring the panicked shouts of the other members. Crouches down and picks up your bag off the pavement. Carefully brushing away the dust and gravel, she holds it delicately like a prized treasure, but her gaze snags on your lightstick, completely dimmed, and turns it back on.Â
Leeseo waves it around with one hand, holding your bag on her free shoulder. She's copying the way you were cheering for them hours ago. The tears have mostly dried out. Only wet tracks remain in its wake, no more noise when you sniffle; just a deep, aching hollowness burying itself deep within your heart. And when you see them through tear-stricken eyes, they're a little too close for comfort, even though they're mostly looking after their youngest. A little too intrusive, like you're an ant being studied under their magnifying glass, and you're burning up.
"It's okay," she reassures you, holding it out for you to reach. "We're here. It'll beâ"
"It's fine," you suggest, even though you damn well don't believe yourself. You're swiping your eyes with the back of your hand, brushing aside the last of your tears that have left you vulnerable. "I'm fine. I'm justâ"
Laughter comes naturally. Not the hearty, whimsical kind, but the broken, forced type that you turn to whenever you need to cope with something painful. "You said it yourself. I was in the front row. Spent the last few years of my life supporting the only people I loved almost as much as my family. Spent so much of my time and money on you that my friends think I'm crazy" âyou're shaking your headâ "and I wouldn't care because you mean that much to me. You have no idea the countless nights I cried because you'd announce a show, or some event, or some new pop-up, we couldn't even have thatâthat you were something I thought was impossible. Until tonight.
You huff, shaking your head, looking unhinged because even talking feels like a gauntlet in and of itself: "All I wanted was just a glance. I didn't even want anything like a selfie or a heart anymore; I stopped trying the moment you wanted to ignore me. A sliver of eye contact" âyou motion with your fingersâ "that's all I wanted. And you couldn't even give me that. And now you're here, apologizing in front of the dumpster like that's gonna make everything better."
Almost immediately, every member's face cracks, and they bow their heads, instinctively, unable to look at you. They're hurt. Broken. Not because you hate them, but of the realization of just how much you've dedicated yourself to them, only to be treated like nothing, even if it was unintentional. They simply nod, accepting the harsh, scathing truth, because that's exactly what happened: they broke you.
"You're right," says Yujin, still kowtowing, almost muffling herself. "Nothing can make it better. Nothing we can do can change what happened. But we're so, so sorry."
The others bow in agreement with her, unanimous.
When you look up and see them like this: frail, fragile, hurtâsomething changes again. Maybe you went a little too far. Maybe you shouldn't have said that. At the end of the day, you're just a fan, and idols are still human. There's still boundaries, ones you've overstepped on. This feels like a violation.
You've exhausted your heart to the point where you can only feel empty. No more tears, no more anger. Just cold, unforgiving exhaustion.
"I'm sorry," you start again, letting out a sigh that feels forced out from the depths of your lungs. "I justâI don't know what to believe anymore, andâ"
"We know," says Rei, quietly interjecting, slightly tilting her gaze up to meet you. When she talks, there's a bit of her sassy wit coming out: "And I know that tonight's been too much. Not just for you, but us too. Mostly you. I mean, where do we even startâ"
Somehow, in the midst of all this tension, her little quip manages to make your lips quirk. Just a tad, but that's enough. That's Naoi Rei for you.
And the girls catch on. The space between you begins to soften to something lighter.Â
Leeseo holds out the lightstick again, barely scratched, still glowing. You don't reach for it; don't bother trying. It feels like sacrilege to take it back after your attempt at severing that connection. It's theirs now rather than your own.
"I don't know what to make of all this," you remark, because no amount of logic can make heads or tails of what's happening right now. You should have left this all behind. They should have carried on with their lives. Instead, you're both here, in the middle of nowhere, trying to meet halfway. "I was ready to throw this all away. Forget this night ever happened. And then" âyou're gesturing at all six membersâ "you happened."
"It's our fault," says Gaeul, now meeting your gaze once more. "We should have seen you then. Once we were leaving the send-off lounge, we felt something was wrong. And by the time we saw you, you were broken, and we couldn't come back."
"We're not asking you to forgive us," repeats Yujin, stepping forward, her hands folded together. "nor do we want you to pretend it's anything but our fault. We failed you, and we had to apologize. It's simple as that."
No matter how many times they insist, it never really sinks in. You always keep coming back around to blaming yourself.
"Butâyour schedules," you argue, unable to accept, not for lack of trying, "Don't you have a flightâ"
"That can wait," Yujin answers, and for the first time in a while, there's conviction behind her voice. "There will be another flight. There's only one of you. What matters now is that we do this. We do at least one thing right. We make sure you" âshe hesitatesâ "that you get what you wanted. What you deserve."
And to be quite honest, that'll do. Not because you fully believe themânot at all, actuallyâbut rather you'll likely just go back and forth until one side inevitably concedes. You've already spent most of the day in battle: struggling behind long merch queues the length of your weekday rush hour, jostling for barricade like new sneaker drops, visualizing interactions that never happened, fighting inner demonsâthe list goes on and on.
"Okay," you breathe out, closing your eyes and letting out a deep breath. "Okay."
Leeseo steps forward, shimmies your bag off her shoulder and hands it back alongside your lightstick with a smile. "Please keep these. They belong to you. For next time."
As you take your items back, you can't help but mutter: "There almost wasn't," and it makes her frown.
"I'm sorry we made you feel this way," Leeseo says, reaching for your hand. You let her. Soft, gentle, delicate, like the kind, sweet girl she is on screen. "Just so you know that this is real. We're real. We're notâwhatever monsters you think we are."
"I don't think you're monsters," you reply. "I just felt hurt."
"And that makes us monsters," she insists, her eyes twinkling with welled up tears as you stare back. "What kind of idols would ignore one of their innocent fans? Monsters, am I right?"
"Seoâ"
"Just let her apologize," Wonyoung gently chimes in, smiling slightly, her head slightly dipped, now holding Leeseo's hand. "The point stands. You tried to get our attention, we looked past you, and you were hurt, so we had to apologize. No need to complicate it any further."
"You don't have to accept our apology," Liz repeats, driving home that point over and over, and she's right behind Leeseo now. "If you wanted to hate us, then that's fair. Your hatred of us is completely justified. But at least we were able to say sorry, and you listened. That's all we can ask from you."
As she finishes speaking, the arena in the distance goes nearly dark. Only a few lights remain, particularly the big white letters spelling out the arena's name. Most of the crowd have dispersed; all that's left is a mostly desolate parking lot and presumably a team of managers and staff searching for their untouchable assets.Â
And speaking ofâ
"You should go," you tell them, ready to say goodbye, expecting the inevitable rug pull any moment now. "I appreciate that you did this and all, butâ"
"We promised ourselves that we'd find you and do it right. They can wait. You can't," says Yujin, and she's looking at the others, and they're all in complete agreement. She's smiling gently when she adds, "We can't change what happened back there, but we can make it up for you. If you want."
The spark that died in that venue flickers back to life. Your brows rise. You're hoping once again. Reckless, youthful hope. But there's always that underlying feeling, a lurch in your heart that's afraid there's something waiting around the corner ready to break it again.Â
"Are you sure?" you ask, hesitant, but secretly hoping again, just a little. "IâI don't wannaâ"
"None of itânone of thisâis your fault," Gaeul interrupts, gesturing around the small circle under the lamp post including you, firm but gentle. "Don't blame yourself for our mistakes."Â
"We'll be here," Liz assures you, placing a hand on your shoulder. "As long as you need us. We wanna do this right. If you want us to."
Wonyoung and Leeseo nod their heads in near-perfect harmony.
"And besides, there are better places we can talk in. Other thanâI don't know, in front of a dumpster," Rei quips, and it elicits a wave of little, but hearty smiles from the members. "I mean, it is a nice looking dumpster, to be fair."
You can't help but chuckle. Realizing she's broken through, Rei pokes your cheek. "There he is. That's our fan."
Yujin turns her gaze from Rei back to you. "So?"
This should be the easiest 'yes' of your life. They're offering themselves to you on a silver platter; even the most insane person would call you mad to turn down this generational opportunity. But you consider it: the 0.001% that feels like someone running up the score to ruin you so there's some kind of opposition. The trauma is real, still fresh in your mind. You've been through so much from just the last three hours alone. Trust, once broken, is difficult to rebuild.Â
And you're thinking as you nod, the most subtle of motions that it almost appears imperceptible, that you might regret this. But you're already moving with them.
"Okay. Let's go somewhere."
No one claps. No one cheers. Even their breaths remain held, like they're walking on holy ground. They just quietly smile with a calm, careful acceptance as they step into formation beside you, away from the dim light of the parking lot and into the complete unknown.
âââââ
The cafe is closed.Â
Of course it is. Tonight is just too good to be true after all.
It's only 10:27 in the evening and yet the whole placeâand street for that matterâhas already shut down. Your suggestion, a coffee shop across the venue, where you celebrated a fandom cupsleeve event marking the group's arrival in the country hours before the concert, now is justâdead. The commemorative decor is gone; only darkness and chairs stacked upside-down on top of tables and a closed sign hanging behind the entrance door like a middle finger to hope.
Leeseo's sticking her face against the glass like someone's gonna entertain them (nobody's home), while Liz entertains her. "Maybe if we knock on the windows hard enough, someone will openâ"Â
"I don't know, Seo. The sign says it's closedâ"
Meanwhile, the restâyou and the four others you never thought you'd be walking together withâcan only smile. But it's wistful, a fleeting moment of levity before reality sets in again.
"No, no. It's okay," you answer quietly, the words coming out faster than you thought. Shaking your head, regretting the decision to follow them, questioning why you're even here. Why are they still here. "Think all the stores are closedâ"
"Look. Over there."
Gaeul breaks the conversation, her gaze directed at a park just across the street. You've been walking for a few blocks, trying to find the few stores that are still open at this ungodly hour, except there's hardly anything left that feels appropriate for the people you're with. Mostly cheap eateries and 24 hour convenience stores. Even worse, the venue is no longer in sight, and you're 100 percent certain the managers are losing their mind, and this is your doing.Â
These last few stretches have been awkward. Quiet. Mostly the girls conversing among themselves in hushed whispers while you're out here being the worst navigator ever. Whenever you check on them, they're just smiling at you, nodding, but their eyes tell you otherwiseâsomething about guilt and regret. Yet they never look as hollow as they were on screen or even during the concert. You wonder what they could possibly be talking about: something about how you've only been crying every five minutes, that they just gotta endure at least a few more minutes before they can finally leave, that they're only doing this because they're idols and they don't want any bad PRâ
"This looks nice," says Rei, and you all stop in the middle of a stretch of park road with two benches positioned beside each other, shadowed by an imposing tree, whose leaves gently rustle with the nighttime wind. It's wedged near the main center, you think, the one with a fountain and a statue, but nestled away from the outside world.
They take their seats in the same position they're always in: Rei and Liz around the corners of the benches, Gaeul and Leeseo beside them, respectively, and Wonyoung and Yujin at the centerâusually.
Only now there's a conveniently empty slot between Wonyoung and Yujin. A you shaped void. Right in the middle.
Yujin pats her hand down on the unoccupied space. "C'mon. Sit."
It's supposed to be gentle, given how soft she sounds, but with six pairs of eyes staring at you, it feels more of a command. But you follow anyway. You've never felt this self-conscious, this aware of your surroundings and actions. How every little motion feels heavy and weighed with so much at stake. Every little twist, every little muscleâeven the way you breathe feels like it's being judged. Even if they're friendly looking.
"Wait," Leeseo suddenly rises from her spot, like an idea came to her. "Ice cream. Let me go get us some ice cream."
"Hold onâ" Yujin protests, but Leeseo's already ran off with a hand raised.
"I'll be right back!" she yells out before disappearing from view.
Your stare lingers a minute or so longer than you initially wanted. At the bushes in the distance, at the path she took to run out. All around you, gentle winds sweep away the leaves, brush against the walls, making a light clanging sound. The world here is quiet, peacefulâthe type that lends itself to self-reflection. And compared to the tight, suffocating crowds of the concert venue, you feel like you can breathe.
"She's been wanting ice cream the whole day," Rei casually remarks, facing you and reaching out to grab your shoulder. Her smile is warm and fond: not her trademark bubbly grin, not quite, but something a bit more restrained.Â
To your right, Wonyoung's kicking her legs while staring up at the night sky. The stars have come out tonight, and you're not referring to the idols surrounding you. One in particular shines brighter than the rest, drawing her complete attention. Liz finds a flower beneath her bench and plucks it, smelling and holding it like something precious. Yujin loops an arm around your shoulder, brushing strands of your hair with her free hand. Gaeul closes her eyes, posture upright, hands elegantly kept together, just soaking in the quiet atmosphere. Rei tries to make a silly joke, but you can only smile while she laughs at herself.
No one says a word. They let you stay quiet. You become something they look after: assessing, constantly checking every quirk of your lip, every twitch of your eyes, constantly assuring you that their time is yours, that this is your moment.Â
In all your time following them, you've known them only as idols. Performers. Role models. People who could do no wrong. Yet here they are, appreciating all the little things, like they've been given permission to stop and smell the sights, even if only for a few precious minutes.
Everything about tonightâfrom the show, to the dumpster, now thisâleaves your head spinning. Not even your dreams were thisâvivid.
"You alright?" Yujin asks, and you don't wanna tell them how you feel. Even if its valid.
"I don't know," you ultimately admit, looking down, feeling everything about you is tacky and shameful in their presence. "Thisâall feels like a dream. Or a hallucination. And if it is, I don't wanna snap out of it. I don't wanna wake up. Not now. Maybe never."
"But this is real," Liz replies, cupping your face. "You just have to believe."
No matter what they say, you just can't. There's always that sinking feeling, the inevitability in the back of your mind: maybe you're just tired and imagining all this, or they'll disintegrate into dust, or maybe the staff will finally come and force them away. Any second now, you'd be taken back to reality and life moves on as normalâ
"I'm back!" Leeseo shouts as she returns with a plastic bag flailing on her wrist. She's taking her sweet time, cheeks flushed pink, walking instead of rushing when she initially left. "They had exactly six flavors, so one of you has to share." Her gaze tilts over to you. "You don't mind, right?"
You nod, accepting without resistance.
One by one, she pulls out different colored packaged ice cream bars for each member, handing them left to right: strawberry for Rei, chocolate for Gaeul, pistachio for Yujin, mint chocolate for Wonyoung, vanilla for Liz, and finally, coffee for herself.Â
She saves you for last, seated tensely in the center. It's chocolate, the same flavor as Gaeul.Â
"I didn't know what your favorite flavor was, but everyone likes chocolate," she says with that sweet smile, pressing it into your hand, and you just can't deny her at all, even with guilt wracking your brain.Â
You unwrap the bar from its packaging, but you don't eat. Even when your stomach groans in protest, you just let it slowly trickle on your fingers and drip on the floor. Holding it feels like it's weighed with a lifetime of burdens. And it's not that you don't hate chocolate (for reference, your favorite is actually mango), but more just the absurdity of this whole damn thing.Â
IVE did their part: perform for two or so hours, two and a half if you count soundcheck. Finally, send-off that's at least 10 minutes long. Then they have the audacity to break whatever idol protocol and schedule they have just to chase you down, apologize, walk with you, and now even share ice cream in the middle of an empty park after a concert when it's almost midnight. You can never ask for anything ever again.Â
Someone's getting fired, you're completely certain. Fuck it, half the staff is getting sacked when they return to Korea. And knowing you're responsible for that makes you feel all the worse. They didn't have to go that far to find just one fan out of thousands, but also, this is far beyond your wildest dreams. Both sides can be true.
"Something wrong?" Yujin snaps you from your daze, and you instinctively look the other way before turning to her. The others have finished their ice cream bars, mostly, (Wonyoung's still halfway through hers) and yours is the only one that's completely untouched. "Come on. You must be hungry after all that waiting and cheering."
Leeseo frowns. "Don't like chocolate?" she asks, like you're judging her for the poor choice of flavor.Â
With just one single, concerned glance, you concede. You take your first bite, let the lukewarmness of the treat rest between your teeth, and for the first time in a while, maybe, just maybe, things might not be bad after all.
"Good?" Leeseo asks now, leaning her head forward, her smiling gradually returning as you gobble through the snack. "Mom told me ice cream always makes you feel better."
You give her a nod and a little smile, one that feels reminiscent of a ray of light peeking in the midst of a cloudy day.Â
She's elated. Her idea worked. But she's not celebrating, not quite. You're getting somewhere, and that's what matters.
"It's so pretty," Wonyoung suddenly remarks, and everyone turns their attention to her. She's transfixed on the stars above still, watching the same one in the sky shining brighter than the rest. "So lovely. Haven't seen them out in so long."
"But it's always there," you casually remark.
"I know. We don't ever see them much these days, but it's a nice reminder that they are always there for us, even if we aren't."
Your mouth twists, understanding but tired to get the full context. They hardly ever see the night sky given their schedules and commitments. They don't have room to breathe. Giving them room like thisâto slow down, to pauseâis something rare to them.
Leeseo takes back the wrappers and popsicles into the plastic bag, not asking permission. Doesn't need to.Â
No one speaks. Neither do you. You soak in the gentle breeze, the slow passage of time, the way the world stops spinning and justâbreathe. For a moment, you're all alone again. Reduced to your own thoughts with nothing except what's in your head, but it feels clearer now. Your chest feels lighter. Everything's gonna be fine.Â
Then you feel the nudge on your shoulder and the echo of someone's throat clearing.
"Look," Yujin starts, and the others straightens up imperceptibly, turning their attention on you. "We should apologize. Properly. For what happened."
Really, they shouldn't. It's an accident, it happens. They've done their part as performers. Meanwhile, you have nothing. You're not entitled to anything from them.
So you vocalize it. "You don't have toâ"
"We know," Rei interrupts. "We know we don't have to. But we want to. Need to."
And you just concede because you'll listen anyway. Or they'll never stop insisting. Both.
Gaeul nods in agreement. "Something was up when we left. It felt" âshe furrows her browsâ "off. It felt like we were missing something. Or in this case, someone. We didn't realize that was you until we finally looked around."
"But it was too late," Liz adds, wiping a stray tear from her eye. "We were already being ushered off, and we couldn't argue with the staff. We couldn't justâturn back. So we have no one to blame but ourselves."
Leeseo squints her eyes. Her gaze shifts to something deeper, more alert, the kind that looks mature and foreign for someone of her age. "I was thinking about the people in the front, at the barricade. I thought I reached everyone. Gave them a heart, a hi-five, anything to make sure I saw them. And I did see you, near the corner, but" âshe pinches the bridge of nose with her fingers, trying to think ofâan excuse maybeâ "I just didn't. I never tried. And I'm sorry."
"Me too," Wonyoung says, inching herself a little closer to you on the bench. "I saw your sign. Flashes of it, but not the whole thing. And staff were pressuring us to move quicker, so we did. We were so focused on staying on track that we forgot about you. I shouldn't have. It's my fault."
"It's on all of us," Rei corrects, reaching over to place a hand on your knee. "We ignored you. Doesn't matter if it was intentional or not, you were hurt because of us. You didn't do anything wrong; actually, you did everything right. We simply justâmessed up and forgot about you."
Every apology feels like another stake driven to your heart. A reminder of the cruel reality that even trying your best simply isn't enough.Â
"You don't have to," you insist again, shaking your head lightly, looking like you're the one committing the crime by making them share this openly. "I'm just one fan. Out of hundreds. Thousands. I know you can't see everyone. It happens. Butâ"
"But what?" Gaeul asks, gentle and disarming, and you feel all the more shameful, like you're being interrogated, no matter how delicate they sound.
You sigh. Rei's hand lingers on your knee as you stare down on the park pavement. Your bag containing tonight's memories is still there between your legs. You just wanna curl up and hide away from the world. From them. Let all this pain and despair bubble within. No one cares. They don't have to know everything. Your feelings are mostly invalid.
"We won't judge," Yujin says. "Promise. You can tell us how you feel, and we'll understand."
The six pairs of concerned eyes don't help convincing you in the slightest. But you admit anyway, because you might as well bring it all to God:
"I just wanted you to see me." Every word sounds like a confession to a priest who's probably gonna condemn you to hell for committing the sin rather than forgiving and acknowledging your fault. "I wanted some kind of recognition. A sign that I mattered to you. That I belonged. Because youâyour musicâmattered to me. More than anything else."
They let it sink in for a moment, their eyes dawning with new understanding. Then Wonyoung holds out her hands, palms wide open.
"Can we see it?" she asks. "The sign you made for us? What else did you bring?"
Your cheeks burn, but you let out a laugh that's more pained than eager. "It's nothing. I saw what the other fans made. Mine is justâslop compared to what they brought. You don't have to. It's not as meaningful as you think it is. Probably ruined cause I crumpled it anyway, too."
"Don't be like that," she replies, correcting but kind. "Please. We want to see it."
You hesitate, because Lord knows it's true you made your sign with middle school arts and crafts, barely held together by glitter, MINIVE stickers, and prayers. But it's out of the bag anyway and you hand it over alongside a wrinkled letter folded in half, one you never bothered to pull out once as they were seemingly barred from accepting any letters during the send-off.
Wonyoung smoothens out the creases around the letter's edges as the members lean over each other's shoulders to read closely. The sign itself is very simple by design: You Make My Universe Spin written in big text while almost every space is covered in something, whether stickers from their merch or glitter or other colorful things, but they focus on the letter more. You watch the way their brows furrow, how their lips read each word several times over (occasionally audible), examining every little detail meticulously.Â
"Thank you," she finally faces you, sounding so saccharine and smiling so sweet it's melting your brain. "You really made all this for us? It's beautiful. Really."
"Noâno it isn't." You're deprecating yourself, trying to play off your efforts as nothing but a sham. "It's nothing special," you insinuate, trying to take back the sign and letter but she holds them away from you. "You probably read letters and signs that are moreâmeaningful than mine."
"But this is your letter, right? Your sign?" Gaeul chimes in, pulling on your arm gently to draw your gaze. "You made it, which it makes quintessentially yours. No one has that. Only you. And that makes it special."
"You don't understand," you're still arguing, because you feel it isn't enough. That what you can do will never be enough. "Everyone else had elaborate setups, funny jokes, stuff that actually made you happy or laugh. Mine's just shitâ"
"No." Yujin's denial is firm and stops you clean in your tracks, but her stare is warm. "Stop downplaying yourself. It's amazing. The fact you went out of your way to make these says a lot. We see the effort. Youâre amazing."
"Yes," Leeseo adds, her hand now intertwined with yours. "We keep these in our dorm. Sometimes we read them whenever we're tired or when we feel like we're lacking. And then we remind ourselves that you exist," she says, pertaining to the fandom at large, one they believe you have a place in, "and it gives us motivation to keep pushing. Because of you."
You were already crying halfway through Yujin's response. There's no point trying to fight the tears now. So they come gushing down, and everythingâthe last five yearsâalong with it. Wipe them away with your hand, they still keep coming.
"I'm sorry," you sob out, "I'm so, so sorry. You didn'tâyou didn't have to do this. You deserve so much better than to talk to a crying fan because he thought he was entitled. You should be on that plane by now. You have other schedules, and instead of resting, I'm just wasting your timeâ"
"Stop."
The voice isn't quite clear; you're too caught up in your own spiraling feelings to stop, and you're still crying a river, hiding your face to notice whoâ
But then you feel them pulling your arms away from your face and into a hug. Yujin. Through tear-stricken eyes, it's her who's calling to you.
"Please stop. None of that is true. None of what you said is true."
You're crying into her shoulder now, into the fabric of her shirt. She loosens you from her ironclad grip, leaving just enough to grant you space should you want to fully pull back.Â
And you do pull away, but not completely; you willingly remain enveloped in her embrace, but there's more distance now, to the point where your gazes are meeting halfway. Yours, lachrymose and inconsolable, while hers is tender and warm.
"Please. Stop apologizing for nothing," she says gently, driving the point home that this isn't your fault, and you still don't quite believe it. You're shaking your head in denial out of instinct. "Us ignoring youâthat's on us. Not on you. Never you."
"Butâ"
"Stop. Please stop." Yujin cuts in sharply again, but there's no malice behind it. Her hands are resting on your shoulders now, lightly shaking you from your spiral, her smile a calming reassurance. "You're not thinking straight. Take a moment. Breathe."Â
Once isn't enough; even they know. Each inhale and exhale is a shudder that shudders deep through your bones. She smiles, asks if you feel any better, and you're better off saying nothing than admitting it hasn't helped in the slightest. They understand anyway.
"Just listen to us, okay? Please let us talk to you."
Almost indiscernibly, you nod. And she does too.
"Listen to me. We're gonna say this once, and I want you to hear every word we say."
A pause. To let you breathe. To let you prepare. Then she continues talking.
"You have nothing to apologize for, okay? Nothing. You went to our concert, brought a sign for us to see, a letter you wanted us to read, and who knows what else. You were expectant, like everyone else in that room," she says, pertaining to the send-off lounge, to all the people in the VIP section. "But you didn't get anything, and you were upset. That's normal. That's human."
You're already protesting, mouth half opened, but Yujin raises a finger, so you stop again.
"What happened back thereâwas our fault. Full stop," she continues. She lets out a sigh, followed by a shaky breath. "Our responsibility as idols is to make you feel seen. To make you feel like you belong. And we failed on that end. We failed you."
The other girls quietly affirm her. Meanwhile, you still have a million reasons as to why you don't deserve this much care and forgiveness.
"IâI still made you come out here," you insist, sniffling, wiping the tracks of tears down your face. "when you should be resting. I made you leave your van. Made you run out without staff in public. Delayed your schedules because I couldn't handle being ignoredâ"
"Which was our choice," Gaeul chimes in, pulling your hand away from your teary eye. "We knew we hurt you, and regardless of what staff wanted to tell us, we had to make it right."
"But that makes me entitled, does it not?" you argue now, and it sounds so feeble that you're surprised they haven't left you out of sheer annoyance. "I'm no better than a sasaeng or a stalker. I felt entitled to an interaction because I paid for it. Or that I deserved it for showing up. Because I wanted to feel validated."
They don't answer. Not immediately. Then it's Wonyoung's turn to speak up. She redirects your gaze toward hers.
"No you're not. You're not a stalker or a sasaeng or any of those things. Because you aren't following us to our schedules, or harassing us in our free time, or making demands, or shouting in our faces. In fact, we don't even know you. But you wanted the same experience as everyone else; we simply didn't deliver on our end. And again, that's entirely on us. You did everything right. We wanted to make it up to you, that's why we're here."
"But I am entitled," you insist, fighting an impossible battle just to prove you don't deserve this, somehow. Like you're irredeemable, irreparable. "When I saw the other fans around me getting your interactions and I got nothing, I grew angry. At you. And at them. I believed I deserved it too. I've supported you longer and harder. Since debut. Never missed a comeback. But seeing them rewarded and not me left me so bitter that I almost gave up on you. After supporting you for long, I was ready to drop you on a whim. Because I was entitled."
You see the gradual shift in Wonyoung's expression from sweet to something serious. Here you are, telling the truth straight from your heart, and by the way she assesses your features, it seems like a self-indictment more than a genuine confession, evidence enough to condemn you for good. But her hands find yours, and she holds them softly, as if to cushion you from what she's about to say.
"You're right," she starts, and even though you were waiting for the validation you've been desperately seeking, your chest lurches. Like you're being judged, and the punishment is eternal damnation. She hasn't said anything else, but it already hurts. "That'sânot a good thought to have. Butâas Yujin said, it's normal. It's normal to feel disappointed, frustrated even, when you give your heart to something you love and get nothing in return. That doesn't make you a bad person; it just means you're human, that's all. And sometimes, the best thing you can do is let those feelings wash over you."
You let out a heavy sigh. You're averting your gaze away from Wonyoung and to the ground, newly ashamed again for having such feelings. "It doesn't change the fact that I ruined my whole night because of it," you mutter, still trying to play victim. "I should have just been content to watch you perform. That's what concerts are for: to enjoy your music, your performances. If I wanted a proper moment with you, I could have just gone to a fansign or did a fancall. I became so obsessed with what I was missing that I never saw everything you were giving me on stage tonight."
Wonyoung lightly shakes her head, and she refuses to let go of your hand, even if you try to pull it away or brush her off. "That's also true," she affirms, and it feels like another shot to an already bleeding heart, another clean cut. "You're right that you should have focused on our performance. That being jealous isn't a good mindset to have. But you're already more aware than most others in your place, so that's something you can work on the next time you see us. And there will be one. Trust me."
God, you might as well be thrown the full book. Death sentence. Lifetime imprisonment without parole. Permanent banâyou name it. Not even the assurance of a probable next time makes you feel any better.
They see the frown on your lips. How you winced at Wonyoung's remark. Every word, no matter how brutally honest, has been spoken in the kindest, sincerest tone possible, and that's probably why it hits harder: it feels like a stern talking from your disappointed mother or parent figure, even though you're not that far off in age.
She's not finished yet. Her hands are still intertwined with yours. "Hey. Look at me."
You try; it feels like staring into an angel far beyond comprehension for your frail eyes. So you justâdon't. You don't deserve her. You don't deserve IVE.
But she tilts your face back to her gently, however letting you look anywhere you please, just as long as she's in your sight. "It doesn't matter, you know. Even if I didn't call you out, or if you had focused entirely on our performances. At the end of the day, we still didn't see you. We should have seen you. We should have given you just as much love as everyone else, and we couldn't deliver on that. That's something we take pride in as idolsâto make you feel like you belong and lovedâand we can't even do that for one fan. And you're right to feel hurt because we did that. You have every right to feel betrayed. You have every right to hate us."
"We're not saying it because to make you feel better, or to make excuses," Rei adds. "We're telling you this because your feelings matter. You matter. And regardless of what you've told us, you're still a fan. We saw how much you cared, how you gave your heart freely to us, and we couldn't give it the love it rightfully deserved. And for that, we are so sorry."
Again, the tears just keep coming, even when you think you've completely run yourself dry. You were already in the process of breaking down as Wonyoung was talking about how they should have seen you, and even when they themselves admitted they were responsible for their own fuck up, you still feel like it's your burden for putting them in this position in the first place. It's a selfish thing to keep idols hostage, whether willingly or unwillingly.
"I don't deserve thisâ" you mutter out, freely crying as you don't realize the members closing in to wrap you in their collective warmth. Leeseo softly presses a handkerchief on your nose. Yujin loops an arm on your shoulder again. Wonyoung keeps your hands steady. Liz wraps an arm on your other shoulder. Rei straight up hugs you, with Gaeul and Yujin as fluffy collateral. And Gaeul presses her head against the shoulder where Liz's arm rests. "Iâwas almost ready to hate you. I almost threw everything away because of tonight. Iâ"
"We know," Wonyoung chimes in, softly shaking her head. "You have every right to hate us. Even after tonight."
"Your feelings are perfectly valid," Yujin adds. "Hate us. Be upset. Curse us if you want. Lash out at us if you have to. We deserve it. We deserve everything coming our way after what we did to you."
At the end of the day, this is simply not the kind of person you are. Chalk it up to fear or cowardice, you can't be angry forever.
"I can't," you manage between sobs, crying on your shirt because you're suddenly self-conscious and staining their clothes with your tears feels like a cardinal sin. "I can never really hate you, even if I wanted to. Not when you've been my light for so long. That's all what I really wanted: to get close you, my light, and then it hated me back. And even when I was so close to giving up, I remembered how your songs and personalities kept me going. You were there when I felt like there was nothing to look forward to anymore. I was so close to" âyou hesitate, but you've already poured out your heartâ "ending things, but you made me feel like I can live another day. I just wanted to thank you for all that. That opportunity never came. But I can never hate you after everything you've done for me."
They've been gentle with you the entire time, steady and composed through every moment you've fallen apart. But now, with your admission, they finally open up too. Small, gentle tears, but they're sobbing nonetheless. The dam has finally burst.Â
You're drowning deep in your sorrows to notice how tightly they wrap you. Holding you like they're crushing the very embodiment of sadness running through your body. At some point, you cry into Yujin's shirt instead of yours, but she doesn't mind in the slightest. Nobody does. Your tears do all the talking. They just cuddle up close, keeping you warm, letting you pour all that pent-up emotion out. No one tracks how long it takes; even when the droplets are just tracks, the sobs are sniffles, and your anguish is nothing but background music to the city still awake this late in the night, they stay.
And when you finally come to your senses and they find your eyes red from excessive crying, Wonyoung gently wipes it clean with the handkerchief Leeseo offered. The trembling gradually stops; your breath stabilizes, and your chest feels lighter, somehow.
The girls let you gather yourself for a moment. Gentle rubs of your head, your arm, little reassuring smiles. They don't push, don't force it, just let you process everything at your own pace. It's still not enough, not really. You're gonna look back on this 10, 20, even 50 years from now, when they feel like a relic lost to time and feel the same level of awe and disbelief you had when it happened, and everyone's gonna think you're sharing some silly story that sounds like a telltale sign for Alzheimer's, but you've seen it with your own two eyes: they were right there. With you.
"Better?" Yujin gently asks, and it sounds like you're being asked about the meaning of life.
"Kind of," you answer, and it's only half-true: you're certainly in a better place now compared to an hour ago, but these things just don't die within days, let alone overnight. When you return to normal life, it'll be as if you've stepped into a whole new dimension, where everything is mostly the same, except you aren't.Â
"That's better than nothing," she says, caressing your cheek. "We'll take it."
Their nerves refuse to relax still. Always careful around the edges, tiptoeing on the delicate, fragile core of your heart, ready to catch you when you fall.Â
"It wasn't supposed to be like this," you mutter, shaking your head. "I wish we met in a better place, you know. Like at a fansign or maybe you saw me during the concert and I made you laugh or smile or something similar. Not you having to comfort me in a park letting me cry on your shoulder for God knows how longâ"
Gaeul pulls you in for a loose hug, brushing your head and temple. "We're here now, that's what matters. We chose to be here. It's never your fault, remember? You didn't do anything but be present like everyone else and be honest, and what you've shown us says a lot about the kind of person you are."
"But I don't deserve" âyou argue, snifflingâ "I don't deserve thisâI was ready to throw you awayâ"
"You absolutely do," Liz cuts in, her voice cracking slightly at the last word, holding your hand now. "You could have said no. At the parking lot. When we offered our apologies, when we asked if you wanted to walk with us" âshe stifles a sob tooâ "you could have said no. You could have thrown our merch, yelled at us, told us to go away, posted a hit piece online about how we hate our fans. But you didn't. You gave us a second chance."
"That's true," Leeseo adds, pressing the handkerchief on your nose. "You walked with us. Let us share ice cream with you. And you were honest about everything, including your own feelings. That's grace."
"I don't feel gracious," you insist now, because you're still looking for an excuse to feel like you don't deserve this love being freely gifted to you. "I feel pathetic. I mean, I'm a grown man crying over K-pop idols because they didn't notice me. Do you know how stupid that sounds?"
Yujin simply smiles wider. "That sounds like someone who cares so passionately about the people he loves. And there's nothing wrong with that."
"Right," Rei says. "I'd be concerned if you just liked us cause we were only eye candy for you. Or that you only like us because you want to use our achievements or our talent to put down other groups."
"That has nothing to do with him," Gaeul interjects. "Read the room."
"I'm just saying!" she lightly fires back, shrugging and causing you to chuckle a little.Â
The others immediately catch on. "There," Wonyoung points out your tiny, fragile grin. "We were looking for you. That smile. It looks natural on you."
You immediately look away, cheeks flushed a fresh pink. "I can't," you laugh, small and awkward, "I still think I don't deserve thisâ"
"Stop." Yujin tries to be straightforward. "You deserveâ"
"I just can't," you maintain, because you're tired of being silent. "There's more deserving people who should be here instead of me. Prettier, richer, more" âthe word dies as you struggle to find the missing pieceâ "stableâ"
"And?" Wonyoung raises her brow, perplexed by your argument, like the very concept is ludicrous and brain-dead. "None of that matters to us. You're our Dive. That's more than enough."
"We take care of all our Dives," Yujin says, one hand on your shoulder and the other constantly tracing your hair and your cheek. "Whether you're a debut fan or just starting since yesterday, whether you spent thousands on us or you only stream our music, and whether you've seen us already or this is your first time. You're all the same in our eyes. All equally deserving of our full love and attention."
"But you especially," Wonyoung finishes. "Because you were hurting and we hurt you."
Even if they actively probed your brain and rewired it so that you believe them with a 100% certainty, you just can't. It's the kind of doubt that religion spits out and negatively affects the people around you.
So you go back to those old ways, those old beliefs. "I don't know how to believe you," and you're crying again, because your heart is made of nothing but unshed tears and utter depression: "I can'tâI don't think Iâ"
"Then let us be the ones who decide." Yujin pulls you flush for another hug, and the others join in too. She looks at each and every single member, one by one, and they nod. Tender and sincere that it finally, finally feels like validation. "And we've decided you deserve this. You deserve so much for giving your heart to us."
"IâI'm notâI don'tâ"
"Shhh." She insists, so gentle and utterly disarming that whatever fight left in your spirit finally concedes. "Let us take care of you. Just for a little while."
Little by little, the girls rebuild your heart. Not with bricks and mortar, but with warmth and tenderness. Arms loop and enclose around you. Whispered praises in your ear that sound like comfort. For the first time, it feels like you're finally home.
Eventually, the shaky breaths completely fade. All the tears have been shed for a while now. And even the hollowness doesn't feel as bottomless as it used to. It's all because of them: their gentle hearts, their small reassurances, their sincere little gestures. Tonight didn't give you what you wanted; it provided exactly what you needed.
But time stops for no one. They gently disentangle themselves and sit up on the bench, but their gazes never depart. It's been quiet. A little too quiet. One glance and they see you: eyes puffy, still sniffling just a tad, but normal. Mostly normal. Like the very clinical definition of fine.
"So," Rei starts, reaching for the phone in her purse. "we should take some pictures."
"Huh?" you blurt out instinctively, tilting your head in the opposite direction, forgetting where she'd been seated.
"Duh. Selfies," she repeats, lightly mocking like you were supposed to know the memo. She's already held her phone up, perfect angles and all, with the other members already engaged in idol mode. "We didn't have any during the send-off, obviously?"
Rei doesn't wait for you to get ready. She snaps the first shot: six perfect stars encircling an unaddressed elephant in the center of the frame. The girls unanimously approve of it; you don't. You look out of place. Like you're the one that's AI-generated in the photo.
"I'm keeping this," she remarks, mischievously smiling as she returns the phone back into her bag. "Now you. Your phone," she asks, holding out a hand waiting for you to give it to her. Less of a request and more a demand.
You scramble to fish it out of your pocket. The screen lights up, and so do their faces when they see themselves as your lockscreen wallpaper. Liz's mouth makes a silent 'aww,' while Wonyoung tightly holds your hand with both of hers. More importantly, the battery is down to 12%. They're flattered, but all you can think about is just how everything is designed to humiliate you, even though they don't try to bring attention to it.
"Don't worry, this will be quick." Rei's angling your phone now, creating magic from a cramped park bench and under washed out streetlamps. You're still tucked in the center with the others surrounding you closely, making you the focus.Â
It starts out simple; a group photo together, nothing fancy, at least not yet. You have your hands folded together, eyes still red from all your tears, your smile semi-present but not quite. Meanwhile, they treat it as if it were another magazine shoot: effortless, natural, like muscle memory. Yujin lets her arm loop around your shoulder like it's her favorite place. Wonyoung leans her head close against yours. Gaeul's smile is small but sincere. Liz makes a peace sign, and Leeseo, over your shoulder, nudges you on the back, whispering for you to grin a little bit wider.Â
You feel overwhelmed existing, let alone breathing in their space, but the end result is a shot that's both vibrant and timeless.Â
"Perfect," Rei remarks, pointing you out in the frame with her finger. You did, in fact, smile a bit wider. "You mind if I air drop this on our phones? As a memento. If you wantâ"
"Y-sure," you say, turning to her suddenly, because you can't imagine being in any of their galleries, but she's already sharing it with the other members even before you've agreed (and you would have). "But why wouldâ"
"We want to remember this." Rei answers immediately, already shifting your phone in a new angle. The others prepare for the next shot, nudging you into position, lifting eyebrows, telling you to loosen some more or go at your own pace. "We want this to be a reminder for ourselves to see thoroughly next time. That every person, every corner in the crowd matters."
"And also because we made a new friend," Leeseo adds, and your heart melts.
They fill your camera roll with every shot imaginable: group pics, quirky and cool poses, individual photosâones with you and a member by your sideâsolo and paired selfies, so much so that it feels like half of today's camera roll comprises more of their pictures here than the concert itself. Every shot makes your phone feel more and more sacred. It doesn't matter that they're essentially framemogging you into oblivion, still teary-eyed and vulnerable while they're goddesses incarnate; you'll take it, keep them for yourself because every photo is a cherished memory for life.
"Alright. Everyone gather up." Yujin's signaling to the others to hover close again, another group shot it looks like. "Last one. Let's make this special. For you."
"Close your eyes." Rei whispers against your ear, and you comply, without hesitation.
You wait. Trying your hardest not to peek. Yujin starts the countdown. The pit in your stomach tells you something's happening, but you don't think much of it. Probably Leeseo making bunny ears over your head or Liz poking your cheek.
"One, twoâ"
She suddenly goes silent. But you feel them. Everywhere. On your skin.
Lips softly crash all over your face. On your temple, your cheek, their breaths, the little giggles hushed as they lean away just as quickly as the camera flash pings. It happens all at once. You don't recognize who kisses where. But they kissed you anyway. That's what you know.
When you reopen your eyes, Rei's holding up your phone for all to see, and the result: she's pecking the front of your left cheek, Gaeul's lips just right beside hers, and Yujin kissing your forehead with her arms wrapped around your neck. To your right, Wonyoung blesses your temple, Liz parallel with Gaeul on the opposite cheek, and Leeseo stifling her laughter mid-kiss just beneath Liz. One thing's for certain: they're all beaming.
It's blurry. It's shaky. It's a mess. It's perfect.
All of a sudden, you can't breathe. Your face is burning up, but in a good way. You're telling yourself 'I can't believe that actually happened' without uttering a single word, and they're smiling proudly, showing no regret.
Then a phone buzzes. Not yours, the one in Rei's hand, but from somewhere else. Yujin quickly fishes the one from her pocket and reads. The look on her face, the sudden shift from joy to frown on her lips tells you everything.
"Manager," is all she has to say, and reality has come to bring you back down to earth. You can't even be happy for more than five minutes. "We have to go."
"They're waiting at the park entrance," Wonyoung states, bluntly, now also checking her phone. The message is the same for everyone: South Gate. Five minutes. That's it. Maybe less.Â
But they see the returning gloom on your face and soothe you with the same little smiles that had been keeping you warm the whole time.Â
"Walk with us," Rei suggests, holding out her hand as they gather themselves and stand. "We want to say goodbye. Properly."
Your mind is telling you to decline. Refuse, say that they went above and beyond, that you don't deserve all this love and special attention they've given you, that they're probably stalling for time for a flight they're almost certainly gonna be late to keep you happy just a little bit longerâ
But nothing materializes. You take her hand, and start walking. Together.
You don't go back the way you came from; you continue further down the winding road, and in the distance, you can already see two pairs of headlamps and shadowy silhouettes looming on the horizon. They've been waiting. For how long is a whole other question you have no answer to.
They've encircled closely around you. Yujin and Gaeul lead the way, Leeseo and Wonyoung hover beside you, and Rei and Liz trail right behind. More importantly, they're not rushing. The walk is leisurely, like they aren't supposed to be at the airport right nowâor a while ago. The eldest occasionally glance back to check on you, and you just nod every time. Even when Leeseo takes your hand as an assurance, you know the inevitable is just right around the corner, and not even they can't save you from the end.
Eventually, when Gaeul looks at you again, she finally speaks up. "You're overthinking again."
"I'm not." The denial is almost immediate. Defensive but gentle, as to not cause much concern.
"Sure you are," she maintains, tilting her head, assessing your every twitch, your every move. "I can tell by the way you've been staring at the ground and not at our faces. How you've been silent. You don't want this to end."
She's got it spot on. Because the last thing you want to remember is the smiles, the photos, not them waving goodbye from behind a van, even though you have two different lives to live. Even though she only knew you for less than an hour, she's solved your mind.
"Not," you insist, but Gaeul doesn't fall for the bullshit. It came off as weak too, making it all the more obvious. "Iâwasn'tâ"
"Hey. We're not mad or anything like that," she says, facing you, walking backwards, careful to sound firm without provocation. "We're just making an observation. That's all. What are you thinking about right now?"
"Yes." Leeseo swings the hand she's joined to, a reminder that someone is always watching, even if one of the members isn't paying attention. "You can tell us. We won't judge."
Here we go again. They care too much that it's almost suffocating. You can already hear the words: 'Stopâ' 'Don't apologize for our mistakeâ' 'We choseâ' 'You deserve thisâ'
And it's not cause you don't believe after all that's occurred; you do, somewhat. But everything feels too good to be true. That the universe must find a way to restore balance to itself by any means necessary.Â
"I don't know," you admit, imagining the annoyed, disgruntled expressions on their faces. "I justâI don't understand why you're doing thisâ"
Perhaps you wished a little too hard, because Gaeul closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, but she doesn't groan or grumble, at least audibly. The frustration on her face is clear as day, however.Â
"Because we chose to. Okay? There's nothing else to it," she explains, and Yujin's looking over her shoulder now, at her fellow member, nodding. "What do you want us to tell you exactly? That we love you? That we cherish you? That we will see you again? Of course we will. Because Iâweâlove you. So, so much."
"We didn't sit on that bench, eat ice cream, let you cry on our shoulders and kiss you for nothing," Rei adds, tapping you from behind. "We really do appreciate you. You just have to believe us."
"Unless you have some other reason you're hiding," Wonyoung chimes in, now taking your other hand. "Tell us. What's really bothering you?"
Suddenly, it feels like their gentle eyes have turned into cold, calculating stares. Being put on the spot like thisâit might as well be an interrogation, except everyone's bad cop pretending to act good. And that's exactly why you're doubting. You're still moving, sure, but in a way that makes traffic seem like an open highway, and there's no cliff to drive off from.
"I'm just" âyou start, and when you look into their eyes (doesn't matter who), you feel small and fragileâ "waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like all this feels like one big lie."
Liz tilts her head, confused. "How come?"
"I don't know," you answer, kicking a small pebble on the pathway. "You've been so good to me it doesn't make any sense. Like I know you've been wanting to leave already, or that you hate me, because I keep crying and whining and doubting you. And I'm sorry. I really wish you justâ"
Everyone comes to a complete halt. Yujin stops you with her hand. The rest surround you in a way that feels like cornering a wounded soldier to finish them off. "Answer me this question."
You nod. Your throat feels constricted, but she's expecting words.
"Do you think we would have gone out of our way to find you in that parking lot if we hated you?"
Nothing comes out. You subtly wag your head, but Yujin wants to hear an answer.
"Not enough. Answer me. Please."
You swallow. "âNo."
"Do you think we would have asked you to walk with us? That we'd allow you to lead us away from the venue, and eat ice cream here because we hated you?"
Again, "No."
"Do you think we'd let you cry on our shoulders if we hated you? That we've said it for God knows how many times that we love you and care about you? That you deserve everything we gave you right now?" She raises her tone ever-so slightly, still kind and empathetic, but it makes your heart jump. "Would we be having this conversation right now if we were impatient with you?"
"No, Yujinâ" you say, panicked because this is exactly what you've been expecting. You've been waiting for the moment the pot finally boils over. But she doesn't move. Doesn't do anything. Just asks.
"Then why are you so adamant that we hate you? Give us a reasonable answer. Right now."
Your eyes widen. You wanna yell. Lash out. Finally make them see first hand that they've chosen wrong.Â
But like everything else, it comes out delicate and small: "Because I simply can't, okay? I can't trust a single thing you say."
The world stops. Yujin blinks slowly. So do the rest. Go on. Explain.
"And it's not because I hate you or anything like thatâI really love each and every one of youâit's just been tiring, you know. I've been through so much in one day that I can't understand myself or anything anymore. You've been so kind to me, like I said. A little too much that I sometimes wonder if I'm actually talking to the real you. And some part of me believes in the back of my mind that you're being performative. That you'll get in that van and regret doing all this. Or maybe you've been talking about me behind my back."
Their verdict doesn't come for a while. And when it does, it's hysterical.
Yujin shakes her head softly. She lets out a small laugh that's unnerving. "I really appreciate how honest you've been about everything."
There's no judgment in her tone; just an air of freshness that's meant to be light. Instead, you're left puzzled.Â
"Most fans would have told us they're fine and go their way," she continues, and her trademark smile is gradually returning. "So believe me when I say your honesty has been so refreshing to hear."
"You'reâyou're not mad?"
"Why would we be? You've given us no reason to."Â
"Butâeverything elseâ"
"Nothing in your argument holds up, okay?" Yujin places a hand on your shoulder, leans in close so you stare directly into her eyes. "We saw you crying. We realized we missed you. Then you poured out your heart for us. Do you think we'd regret doing this, after hearing everything you had to say?"
"Iâ" you say, but the words die on your tongue. Except one. "Maybeâ"
"You wouldn't believe how many rules we've broken just for you," she interrupts, smiling from ear to ear remembering. "Delayed our schedules. Fought against staff. Went out in public without said staff and risked ourselves being swarmedâ"
"Don't forget kissing a fan," Rei chimes from behind, much to everyone's laughter, Yujin included. "Especially kissing a fan."
"Yes, kissing a fan too," Yujin repeats, chuckling mid-sentence. "but the point I'm trying to make here is: we've done so much to show you we love you. And we'd do it again and again if it means you really, truly believe us."
"They know the faces that run the place," says Wonyoung, confident yet classy. "They know what's gonna happen if they provoke us."
"We'll get written-up at best. Maybe a small fine," Liz adds. "Definitely a huge talking. But that's nothing compared to losing you."
"It's all worth it," Leeseo says simply. "You're worth it."
Yujin pulls away, but you refuse to let go of her hand. She lets it stay, halfway facing you as they continue the walk. "You understand now? No matter how much you wanna argue, we'll always say the same thing."
"And what if I still don't believe?" you ask, because you're that obstinate.
"Then we'll keep reminding you," she says, equally as stubborn. "until you truly believe us."
And for the first time in what seemed to be forever, your heart thumps. Just a fraction, but it feels like the light has finally shone on you.
So you continue walking. Still stretching out the moments as far as you can go. The girls have retreated to their usual positions, but it's much lighter now. More serene.
"I really have to say sorry," you start again, and everyone's hardwired to face you the moment that specific word is spoken, because they're expecting another reason for you to put yourself down, another battle to be fought. "for testing your patience. I mean, you've said it yourself: you delayed your schedules just for me, and if I wasn't so cynical, you'd be on that plane now. Or at least on your way to the airport."
The girls can only smile and sigh. "We've been through this," Leeseo says softly, holding your hand a little bit tighter. "You don't have to apologize for anything."
"Butâ"
"No more buts. No more apologies, alright?" Gaeul looks over her shoulder, over you. Her glare is sharp but with kind intent. "You're our Dive. We love you. You deserve everything. Point blank. Period."
That stops you cold. Firm, final. You can only bow your head, but Gaeul reaches her hand out for you to hold. So you do. She caresses over it gently, softly, reassuring you this is all out of genuine love.
"If we were actually tired or impatient, we would have just bowed, apologized quickly, and gotten in the van back in the parking lot," Wonyoung adds, just to reaffirm everything. "Not spend important time with you. So pleaseâat least give yourself this. Just this one good thing, if you can't accept anything else."
You finally concede. Even though you look the other way, you're still walking with them, letting them hold your hand, and you're not brushing anyone away.Â
"Besides, this is actually nice," Rei says, looking up at the night sky. "It's a good change of pace from our usual schedule."
You don't consider asking, but Yujin explains nevertheless: "Most nights, we just fly in the day before the show. Then on the day of the show itself, its rehearsal, soundcheck, stage, send-off, then hotel. Sometimes we just skip the hotel and go straight to the airport. Like we were supposed to tonight. It's all streamlined and micromanaged."Â
"Yeah. We're so tired and constantly moving that we can barely talk to each other," Gaeul adds. "We post pics, send a few messages on Berriz, maybe scroll Twitter a bit till we pass out on the plane."
"Your energy is what keeps us going, and I mean literally," Yujin speaks again. "After the show, we justâcrash. It's hard to go from people cheering for you toâdead silence."
You feel the same way: how two hours can pass by in a flash, expending all your passion and energy after months of waiting and preparing, and then it justâends.
"Plus, this was the perfect excuse for ice cream," Leeseo suddenly says, tilting her gaze over to you. "I've been craving for some the whole day."
Ain't no fucking way, you're saying to yourself. "You weren't."
"Of course I was," she answers cheerfully. "Staff told me it would affect my voice. Seriously. Even just one cone, they said no. So thank you."
You look at Leeseo in utter disbelief. "You used my emotional breakdown for ice cream." Not a question, but an observation.
"Yep. But we made a friend out of it. It's a win-win," she says, and everyone laughs.
"I told you I wasn't joking," Rei quips.
The air between you feels lighter now. They're chuckling, and you're grinning, just a bit. Leeseo points it out, and you're averting your face while they huddle around you, warm as ever. All is right in the world.
"Let's talk about other things that aren't about crying," Liz suggests. "Where did you come from to see us?"
The change in atmosphere and tone catches you off-guard, but you answer comfortably. "From the countryside. Drove four hours just to be here."
"One way?" She looks surprised.
"Yeah. I mean, I've got a hotel to return to after" âyour words die thinking about itâ "you knowâ"
"I get it. It's been a long day. For you probably."
"No shit," you reply, casual, like you're conversing with friends, uncaring about the fact you just swore in their presence. "I've been up since 6 AM because that's how excited I was. And also because of all the driving, obviously. But that's nothing to some of the people I've met there."
They remain silent. They know what you mean: people who've flown out from other countries, from the corners of the region, when driving is simply implausible, and your dedication feels like a stroll compared to theirs. Some fansites could be included too, given how they're willing to go this far.
"You have no idea how we reacted when the announcement dropped," you continue. "It felt like salvation. Like our prayers were finally being answered because you actually included us in your world tour."
"I saw it on Twitter," Rei says. "The fanbases were cheering for you. Even those from countries that weren't includedâthey were celebrating."
"It meant I didn't have to fly out to see you, and I was already considering it. But you came to us."
"We heard of how quickly it sold out too," Yujin notes. "Faster than Taipei, Macau, and Seoul. I'm surprised they didn't announce a second show here. You guys were so loud."
"I heard your ment," you answer. "about there not being a day two. I would have gone too. Maybe all three days."
"Then we would definitely have seen you," Leeseo says. "Butâwe did. Just a bit later than you wanted."
And somehow, it lands like a joke now. Not something you'd pine over. She's smiling, and you're smiling, and everything feels right.
"Soâwhy didn't you?" Gaeul's turn to ask. "You said you considered flying out. What happened?"
"You did, obviously," you chuckle, barely sidestepping past a particularly large fallen branch, "but I have flown out before. For another group. I would have waited for the encore if I chose to fly out. But itsâa lot. Travel, accommodation, food, merchâ"
"That's fair."
"And there's more," you continue, "I wanted it to be special, you know? I wanted to be at the front, and I got it. So you could see me. Butâ"
"We also happened," Gaeul finishes your sentence. "We're still regretting it. We'll never stop admonishing ourselves for this."
"I know, and you don't have to. You don't owe me anything," you say, and the memory still lingers in the back of your mind. They notice the subtle shift on your lips: the pain and the despair. "but at the time, it seemed like a completeârejection. Like you wanted nothing to do with me. After all the years I've supported you. I just wanted some acknowledgment, and" âyou take a breathâ "it felt like I was unworthy of you."
The walk stops abruptly again. Rei and Liz's hands are suddenly on your shoulders. You're not cryingânot yet at leastâbut your breaths are shaky, and you're trying to fight it off.
"So yeah. Big deal you finally came for us, especially for me, personally." You're looking into Yujin and Gaeul's eyes. "When you went on your first world tour, and we weren't included, I was hurt. So much so that I actively distanced myself from you: your music, your faces, anything that had to do with you, I wanted no part of for a while."Â
Their gazes tilt down a little. Their lips twitch. Leeseo holds your hand a bit tighter.
"So why did you come back?" Wonyoung asks, tiny and disarming.Â
"IâI knew I couldn't be angry forever. You were still the same group I loved so dearly, and I couldn't blame anyone but myself. I knew we didn't have the streams or the demand for you to come. Hell, when the concert movie was released in theaters, guess what: it didn't even screen anywhere too. I had to watch it off a camrip from some website. It's like you were actively trying to avoid us. None of this is your fault, obviously, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts. And when it hurts, what do you care about more: the mind, or the heart?"
No one dares to speak. Other than Wonyoung, no one dares to look at you either. They simply listen.
"We hardly get any foreign artists, let alone K-pop shows, and the rare times they happen, they either cancel or are unknowns, usually both. So color me surprised when you, of all groups, with your popularity, decided to book a show here. It's a big deal for the entire country."
They exchange looks. Ones of dawned understanding. And they don't argue, not at all; they let you keep talking.
"But more than that, this was my chance. I thought I could be front row, wave my sign, scream and shout and finally, something would answer. That I wasn't yelling into an empty, uncaring void."
A pause. A sniffle.Â
"We didn't," Liz mutters airily.
"You didn't," you say, sounding small now. "And when it happened, it felt" âyou sigh, search for the wordsâ "specific. Like you knew I was there and wanted to single me out. And I know that's not rational. I know you can't see everyone. Not if you had all the time in the world. But in the moment, it felt like complete rejection. Like you were disgusted I was there. That you wanted no part of me."
"We don't." Yujin holds your wrist, her glance tilting at the others, a unified front: "We couldn't hate you; we hardly know you. You couldn't give us a reason to hate you, and you haven't."
"And we would never," Wonyoung adds, leaning close. "We're not the type to single out people and humiliate them. We'd know."
"We don't always show it well," Gaeul continues. "But we get tired. Overwhelmed. Sometimes, it feels like we're going through the motions, and to an extent, that's true. There's only so many faces we can recognize before everyone becomes a blur. But that doesn't mean we love you any less."
"Every wave, every heart, every gesture we makeâthat's for you," Liz states. "Even if we're not looking directly at you or your camera, it carries all our love for you. We want you to feel that, even if it seems impossible."
"Our speeches might feel rehearsed and tired sometimes, but that doesn't mean it isn't genuine," Wonyoung speaks again. "We want to see our Dives everywhere. Your cheers, your energy, your excitementâit's why we perform. To give that love back, even just a fraction, is our highest honor. So whenever we say 'We love you,' or 'You're the best,' we truly mean it."Â
"But you didn't see me," you finally say, tilting your eyes to the pavement, and even you feel exhausted bringing it up; you can only imagine what's going through their heads hearing you make the same tired argument for the umpteenth time. "I saw it with my own two eyes. You looked right through me. You can say all these beautiful things, but it doesn't change the fact that you ignored me. Andâ"
"We know," Yujin interrupts. It's heavy and regretful, but to the point. "We're not making any excuses. But we want you to understand that it wasn't personal. It's never personal."
The answer comes naturally before you can even think. "It felt personal."
"And that's on us," she replies, tilting your chin so you can meet her eyes. "You felt hurt. You were hurt," she immediately corrects. "That's normal. We didn't mean to. But we're so, so sorry."
No matter how many times you try to patch it, your heart keeps leaking; there's too many holesâsome worse than othersâto be fixed with band-aid solutions. In other words, you're crying again. Even when you want it to stop, even when you think you've emptied yourself out, the tears continue gushing down.
"All I wanted was to thank you," you mutter silently, wiping your eyes, unable to glance at them. It feels like you're back at square one. "That's it. I didn't even want a heart or some stupid fanservice anymore. Just a glance or some kind of recognition. For your music, for your contentâfor being you. You got me through times where I didn't think" âyour voice gradually fades, hesitating as to whether or not you should tell them, but you do anywayâ "I'd make it. And I thought if you saw me, I could finally say how much you mean to my life. But you didn't. And when you left, IâI thought that was it. If not tonight, I would never be able toâ"
Leeseo pulls you into a deep hug. She wraps her arms around your waist from behind, pressing her head against your back. Even though you're trembling, words failing, and you're the tears and pain wash over you, she holds you through it all.Â
"You're saying it now," she whispers on your shirt, gently tugging you a little tighter. "and we're listening."
She barely finishes her sentence when the others join in on the hug. God, you want it to stop. You're tired of falling apart like this, yet your heart is built on a foundation of sand and glass. But you let them carry you for a while, because you need saving now, even though you don't outright say it.
Rei's the first to pull away. Even here, they move in perfect sync. "Earlier tonight, I remember you told us something. About you not enjoying us on stage because you were too focused on getting our attention."
Almost immediately, your heart sinks. She'd only been notingârather modestly, you might addâand yet you know what's coming.Â
"Yeah," is the only thing you say, and it sounds like an admission of guilt.
"I don't think you're supposed to do that."
Simple and straightforward, yet it hits the point home like a shot to the gut. You can only avert your gaze in shame.
"We work so hard on our performances so you can enjoy them," says Liz, holding your hand. "Above anything else, we want you to have fun. To leave feeling like the time, effort, and money you spent with us was worthwhile. Interactions are nice, but they're not the main point."
"And you said it yourself: you could have joined a fansign or a fancall if you really wanted to talk to us," adds Gaeul. Each word is one piece of self-incrimination after another, made even worse by the fact they're using your own admission against you as evidence.Â
"We just want you to be happy," Yujin says, right to the point. "to be here. With us. Even if it isn'tâdirectly communicated."
"I was happy," you state. It sounds like a confession. You're glancing up at the sky, at the full moon partially blocked by clouds. "At the beginning, I really was. Seeing you in person for the first timeâthat was everything. It didn't feel real until you were actually there. And honest to God, the concert was everything I could have ever wanted and more. But as the show was winding down and you were scattering around during the encoreâ"
"We know." Yujin cuts you off. "But you were having the time of your life," she remarks.
"Until I wasn't," you admit, because you're as easy to fold as any common lawn chair.Â
"Until you got in your head," she gently corrects. "You told us you became desperate and jealous. That you dwelt on what wasn't there instead of what you had."
"That'sâyeahâ" You wince. "Yeah. That's fair. And that's entirely on me. I should have been grateful to even be there in the first place."
"Right," Leeseo says. "And even if we don't see you exactly, the fact you gave your time and effort to be here means more to us than you already know."
Not exactly words of comfort, but you'll take it.
"There's always a next time," Wonyoung adds. "If you want there to be. You can always do better. And so will we."
"It's a learning lesson for all of us," Gaeul immediately follows. "So that makes us even."
You're still lingering on Wonyoung's words. "If there is a next time," you mutter out, and they see the way you deeply think about it, that you're clearly doubting.
"There will be," Wonyoung reassures, delivered with that trademark confidence that feels like a guarantee. "We'll make sure of it."
"We should keep moving," Yujin suddenly states, staring ahead to the vans parked at the gate's borders. Still a good distance away from where you're standing, but a looming presence nonetheless. Everyone's attention is drawn toward themâexcept yours. "Manager's gonna be so pissed."
Her gaze then briefly lands on you. "Not your fault, of course."Â
She makes it abundantly clear, but you're you. You don't think that. It's clearly your doing.
They start walking again. No longer a closed bubble, but as a coordinated unit straight ahead. You'll let them leave without you. Still under the belief that you wasted so much of their time, even with all the reassurances they've given.Â
Except they don't; Rei grabs your hand with that cheeky grin and pulls you in tow with the rest, until you follow in step naturally. There's no rush, no urgency in their stride, like they're oh-so obviously aware of how you don't want them to go. The glances whenever they over their shoulder don't make it any less subtle.
You're more than content to watch. Soak in every little action, every little thing they do. It isn't the most exciting of things: just Not their typical idol selves, but the actual humans behind the facade. This is the girl group you sometimes call home.Â
And you can't help but want to enshrine it.
"Can Iâ" you start, almost mute, as if you're asking for too much. That this feels too authentic to be caught on camera.
Yujin turns around. "What is it?"
You deny it at first. "Noâit's nothing," but she sees the phone in your hand. Immediately understands. "I'm goodâ"
"Candids," she remarks casually. "You want to take candids of us?"
"N-noâ" you choke on your own words. She smiles, that gummy puppy-eyed grin that's charming.Â
"Go ahead," she says kindly, gesturing to the others to watch for your camera.Â
Forget that there's hardly any decent lighting around (unlike at the bench) or that the photos themselves come out as mostly blurs and silhouettes; it still looks natural, and that's how it should be. Sometimes their faces aren't even present in the frame, whether by design or accident, but they're polaroid worthy regardless.
You catch them in their most open form: Yujin staring up at the sky, Gaeul glancing back with her side profile in view, Rei doing that brainrot gesture, Wonyoung flipping her hair, Liz looking down at the ground, and Leeseo smiling shyly with her finger pointed at you.
"Tell us your name," Wonyoung then asks, and your face burns up at the thought. Doesn't matter you never said it once up until now; this suddenly feels too intrusive. Or that they'll probably forget you after this.
They look amused. You say it anyway like the foldable lawn chair you are.
"Record this," she then instructs, pointing your phone toward her like the star that she is, and you start. You catch the little smirk on her lips. You hear your name spoken in her saccharine tone, and your brain just glitches.
"Thank you for coming today. I hope you can look back on tonight with fond memories. We see you. We love you."
The other five girls jump into frame, waving, smiling, echoing the same thing: "We love you, Dive. I-ting!"
Your face cracks. Just a little.Â
âââââ
You've been trying to avoid it the entire walk, but before you know it, it's already over.
On the other side of the gate, the vans are waiting. Engines idle, windows all tinted pitch-black, and their manager and bodyguard waiting almost impatiently. It's nothing personal, but the guard glares at you like you're the reason he's getting his pay docked when they return to Koreaâwhich you most likely are. Meanwhile, the manager subtly points at his watch, telling you everything you need to know.
The girls turn around to face you one last time. This is it.
Yujin holds both your hands with hers, leaning her face forward. "This isn't goodbye."
Open your mouth, but nothing comes out. Her choice of words is very specific, you realize. Like she's studied your mind and how it works.
"We will see you again," Wonyoung encourages.Â
Glancing at her, you say, doubtful, "You don't know that."
"We'll make sure," she replies, insistent and resolute but gentle. "One way or another, we're gonna find you."
"Butâthe companyâthe toursâthere's no guaranteeâ"
"We don't break our promises." Rei steps forward, firm in her stance. "Even if you're all the way at the back, or even if it's not here in your countryâwe will find you. That's a promise."
"And how will I knowâ"
"Because you're the kind of fan that never gives up," Gaeul quickly interjects before you finish. "The kind that still believes and keeps going after everything. You let us comfort you when you could have walked away. That speaks volumes about the kind of person you are."
"We won't forget you," Liz chimes in. "You trusted us. Gave us a chance to make things right, even when we didn't deserve it. That kind of grace can't be forgotten easily."
"We promise we won't forget you," Leeseo reiterates. "We can't ever forget a person like you."
Yujin and Wonyoung are nodding. Wonyoung takes your hand and holds it, intertwining your pinky fingers together. "We will see you again. We swear."
You can only smile and shake your head, barely stifling a laugh. It isn't pleasant, even though it looks and sounds convincing, like you're finally starting to believe, when in reality, this feels more like a eulogy. A final farewell.
And now it's your turn to say yours.
After taking a deep breath and letting your nerves breathe, you face them, one by one, and speak:
"Yujin. You're the best leader anyone could ask for. You've had to bear so much, but you still carry your spark, especially when you perform. I can tell how much you love performing on stage. Thank you."
Her eyes glisten.
"Gaeul. I'm glad people are starting to notice you now. You were always the most underrated one in my eyes. People don't understand what you bring to this team. It may have taken this long for you to get that shine, but you deserve it so, so much. Thank you."
She smiles. Looks away. Cheeks puffed.
"Rei. Your energy is so infectious. Your smile, your chaos, your sillinessâeven when I was falling apart, you managed to make me laugh. And you held my hand when I wanted you to leave me back thereâtwice. You make everyone feel included. So thank you."
Her grin wavers. She quickly averts her gaze, but a tear is falling.
"Wonyoung. I don't even know where to begin. Everything you do is iconic. But how you keep yourself composed and calm, even with all the needless hate for every thing you do, is what stands out to me. I wish I could be as great as you one day. Thank you."
She puts her hands together. Mouths something quietly: "You already are."
"Liz. You're gorgeous. Always have been. The people who think you're a visual hole are blind and stupid. They don't even realize that you're actually hilarious and charming. And don't even get me started on your voice. That same voice kept me afloat during some sleepless nights. Thank you."
She's crying openly, poorly concealing her face behind the sleeve of her shirt.
"Leeseo. You've grown up so fast. So much so that even I feel old, even though we're not that far off. But you're still brimming with that same joy and light from day one. You remind me that I'm also growing with you guys, but it doesn't mean I always have to be serious. Thank you."
Her lips tremble.Â
"I want to believe so bad. Trust me, I really do, and I hope it happens. I want to be there for every tour, every milestone, every anniversary, every comeback until you decide to call it quits," you say through a shaky voice, and you're trying to fight off the tears because you're so fucking done with crying and you want them to see your smile even in these dying moments,through gritted teeth and deep breaths: "But if I don't, and this is the only time I will ever see you, then I just want you to know how truly important you are to me. You helped me through some of the darkest parts of my life, when I was lost and hopeless and I thought there was nothing left."Â
You pause, cry a little, but ultimately keep going: "You gave me something to hold onto. You made me want to live."
You watch their faces shatter in real time. Tears streaming everywhere, unable to gaze at you, their heads bowed in deep reverence. Even both Gaeul and Wonyoung can barely keep themselves together, and they rarely show any emotion. The fact you're the only one managing to maintain some semblance of steadiness in the end, somehow, is a miracle in and of itself.
"So thank you. Thank you for sharing your talents, your personalitiesâyour everything. Not just for me, but for every person that proudly calls themselves a Dive. And I'm sorryâfor pushing you away too. For being so annoying and parasocial and cynical about whether your love is real or not. I don't deserve the kindness you gave me, not after everything I didâbut thank you, thank you, thank you. For finding me when I was broken. For mending my heart. For giving me a second chance. For making all this" âyou're gesturing with your hands, pertaining to the years of devotion, hope, and beliefâ "worth it in the end. You really are my everything. And I will miss you so much."
They pull you in for another hug. Now they're the ones crying into your warmth. All six members. You let them. It's the least you can do.Â
"You're not a bad fan," Yujin mumbles into your shoulder, crying freely. "You never were."
"You gave us a second chance," Rei adds. "You could have walked away. You could have hated us after what we did. But you chose to stay. We should be the ones thanking you."
"We don't deserve a fan like you," says Leeseo, her lips curled into a frown, her tears landing on your shirt.
"I don't deserve a group like you," you counter, falling into their embrace, but you're smiling. Genuinely.
"Please keep going," Wonyoung murmurs into your shoulder. "If not for us, then for yourself. For your loved ones. For the many memories you have yet to make."Â
"Please stay," Liz echoes. "We still have to meet again, remember?"
"We'll move heaven and earth to find you again," Gaeul says. "Just promise you'll keep going, okay?"
"I'll try," you say, and it feels like you're finally standing on your own two feet. "For you. I'll try."
Their held breaths are released. Relief. Yujin simply puts it best:
"That's all we can ask."
 "Girls. Time," is all the manager has to say, and they draw back from your embrace. Slowly, reluctantly, like now they're the ones refusing to let go. Oh, how the tables turn.
Leeseo tries to keep her fingers close a moment longer, but you gently remind her (and everyone else): "I'll be fine. More than. Because of tonight. Because of you."
She doesn't seem fully convinced, but she smiles anyway.Â
One by one, they walk past the gate and climb into the vans. Gaeul first, and she blows a kiss from a distance. Rei second; she tries to make a face, and you laugh, and she's delighted. Liz simply makes a heart with her hands, and you mirror her gesture, switching the dynamic between idol and fan. Leeseo softly nods; she's still sobbing a little, but you reassure her with a smile and she's finally assured and enthusiastically waves goodbye.
That leaves only Yujin and Wonyoung.
Wonyoung gathers her hands together. She closes her eyes. Says a tiny prayer, then afterward, she leans forward to plant a soft peck on your temple.Â
"For luck," she says, before quickly pulling back and entering into the second van. "We will see you again. Trust."
"You didn't come to our section once," you quietly remark, but it's delivered in friendly jest. "Until the actual end of the concert, actually."
"Sorry." She laughs, light and airy, but sincere. "I'll keep that in mind for next time. When you're there."
"Not just for me," you say. "But for everyone else too."
Wonyoung takes her step back and enters the second van, but not before blowing you one final kiss: "Make sure to eat something. Ice cream isn't enough."
Lastly, Yujin. Both of you briefly stare at each other for a moment, until you blink and break the silence: "You should go. I can take care of myself."
"Again, this isn't goodbye," she reiterates, the same thing she said when you first got here, but you properly believe it now.
"I know."
"Will you be okay?" Her eyes are twinkling with unshed tears. "We can ride you back, just to be sureâ"
"I'll be alright," you insist, and you're completely certain. "It's just a block away. You have a flight to catch."
She finally yields first. Nods.
"Be safe going home, okay? Text someone once you're at your hotel."
"Of course."
You can only nod before she walks away and enters the van. Their bodyguard slides the door shut and heads to the passenger seat.
The engines hum. No waves, no gestures, no more assurancesâjust a reminder that life goes on. That your best days are just someone else's routine. But as the vans begin to move, you see a flash of light from inside one of the windows, hands waving at you, and a phone held up in maximum brightness with a written message:
"We see you now <3"
It's only visible for a moment as the cars drive off. You watch the vans gradually disappear from view, until it becomes a dim blur you can no longer follow.
Time stops for no one. You're on your own again.
When you realize that you're alone, like really, truly alone, the world feels larger. Louder. Like that hour in the park was paradise. And now, it's back to reality.
You're not sure where to start. Where the dream began and when it ended. The last hour still doesn't feel real. Even with all the evidence on that phone, now barely hanging on for dear life (at 5%), you're still trying to convince yourself this all really happened.Â
But the tears, the comfort, the catharsisâthey were real.Â
You're crying again, because your body language has been reduced to this, but it's not out of pain anymore: rather true, genuine joy.
Finally, you turn the other way. Every step feels light. Your phone buzzes. On screen, their lips are on your face. You can't help but smile.Â
You can't wait to tell her everything.
(And you'll walk with your head held high, because the best is yet to come.)
âââââ
(A/N: hey so can't you tell i haven't moved on yet
In all seriousness, this idea has been around for almost a year or so. I will admit there was a time I actively wanted to avoid their music and content because I couldn't stomach being jealous about missing their first world tour. It took me months, and one concert movie watch along with a friend to finally get closure. I swore I wouldn't miss them again should they ever return, and thank God they did. I was more than happy to be seated all the way in the back, but as the date drew closer and other factors were in play, something in me was compelled to take a risk and get a better spot. So I did, with just one week till the show date. And I don't regret it. Not in the slightest.
They say you associate key moments in your life with key figures. And for me, IVE (and Le sserafim to an extent) defined my college years. I was a freshman when I had my first concert (and they took my concert virginity), and now I get to see them again as I graduate three years and six other shows later. So this fic represents my journey as a fan and as a person. It's a full circle moment, an ending, but also a new beginning. So believe me when I say that IVE is that special, because I can look fondly on these past 3 years, through the good and bad. And last Saturday was a reflection of that.
Big shoutout to cray and Dotoli, let's run it back in 2028/2029 (with raf and qwib this time)!
Onto better days ahead. Thank you so much for reading âĄ)
You can't keep coming home to thisâclose to midnight, front door left swinging open and every light from the entrance to the kitchen switched on. It's fucked up how you're hoping you've been robbed, or that a serial killer is waiting around the corner to put you in the dirt, but instead it's much, much worse.
Ningning, leaning against your fridge, helping herself to a glass of milk.
"You're late," you hear, followed by, "Date went well then?"
Yeah, the best possible thing you could do is ignore her, open your apartment window, and throw yourself out. Or, better yet, pick her up, and toss her instead, or fuck, get your hands around her throat and squeezeâif only you weren't certain that she'd be so happy when you did, that sheâd lift an eyebrow, flash that smug grin, all delighted that you've added a new dimension to whatever doomed tangle the two of you are in, and say:
"Didn't know you had it in you."
So you just slump.
Drop your bags, your jacket on the floorâwhatever, you'll get to them later. Walk past her, like if you don't acknowledge her existence you can delay the inevitable for a touch longer, stop her from digging any deeper into your brain. But if there's anything you know about Ningningâshe has all the patience in the world.
Happy to keep raiding your kitchen, letting the milk sit on her lips, timing it to the exact second you slip up and look her wayâthen licking it clean with one swipe of her tongue.
You ache more than you'd ever willingly admit.
Not that she'd have any trouble making you.
Itâs who she is: Queen of dark corners and thick fucking air that suffocates your lungs. A tiny little nightmare half your size, always one careless glance away from splitting you open like itâs nothing.
She doesnât even need to try.
Hair a messy shawl down to her shoulders, lips a light pink hue. Traces of eyeshadow, curled lashes, chipped nail polish. She clearly had something far more important to deal with earlierâyou're just another box to check off todayâs to-do list.
She pushes off your fridge. Itâs inhuman. She knows exactly where your eyes will go.
You canât stop it, youâre staring straight at her tits the moment her body shiftsâthe tiny crop top clinging snug, doing obscene fucking things to all the soft weight underneath. And below all that, just a scrap of panties. Nothing else. Makes you complicit the second you look.
"Had fun playing hero?" The glass makes a hollow ring when she sets it aside. "Yuha's been blowing up the group chat since you left herâoh, forty minutes ago?"
You freeze when you reach your kitchen island. Lean back, and wait for her to come to you. Itâs the only scrap of resistance you can still muster at this point.
"Sounded funâgoing to the movies, holding hands in the dark, hugging her close when she got scared. Did you like the outfit she was wearing?"
It only takes one step.
She crowds you against the counter, hands planted on either side of your waist, caging you in. Even her smile is pissing you off. Her topâs cut low, and it hits you like a visionâthis exact angle that's been burned behind your eyelids.
One thin strap still clings to that dainty shoulder. The collarbone youâve licked and sucked and worshipped more times than you can count staring back at you.
And itâs slipping lower still, a small shift and the whole top will giveâtits spilling free, nipples begging for your mouth.
She leans in, a whisper sticking against your skin that she stamps in with a kiss. "I helped pick it out for her, you know."
Your breath catches. You groan. You need to move, shove her away, tell her that this needs to end tonight; the guilt, the depravity is a mountain looming over any blackmail she hangs over your head.
But you can't do anything. Not until you have her permission.
Instead your hips twitch towards her, and your cock strains underneath your pants, hitting her belly like a trained dog.
She pushes forward, a shoulder into your sternum, backing you up as far as you can go into the countertop, and reaches down.
Her fingers skate up the inside of your thigh, and the strap of her top drifts down until she's exposed and she doesn't seem to mind at all.
No, she's flawless. Devastating. Pushes her body against yours and her tits are so full and plush and squash against your chest and you need her to fucking stop beforeâ
She squeezes you tight, and you inhale sharp, choking on her scent.
And it fucks you up, because she smells exactly like Yuha.
"Yeah," she says, twisting her wrist, her grip, careless with how she fists your cock, your balls through your slacks. "She let me borrow her perfume as a thank you.â
Ningning leans, grinding the fragrance deeper down your throat.
âIsn't she so nice? Isn't this so nice? You get to think about her while you're with me."
She doesn't expect an answer.
But it drives you madâshe tilts her head so you can see how it clings to her; her throat, her collarbone, her tits. Itâs sweet, itâs soft. Itâs wrong. It makes your cock throb.
And you'd touch her, reach for her, run your hands over that smooth skin, the soft curves; take a handful of her in your palms and squeeze her right back, twist that nipple and tell her you can dole out the same amount of punishmentâbut Ningning drives her shoulder into you again, fists clenching around you, and pulls, and it's with deft hands and practiced fingers that your belt clinks open, the button and the zipper fall apart with it.
"Turn around."
For the first time, you manage some small protest. "Yizhuo."
She smiles at that, tricks you into thinking itâs fond. Glances low and yanks down your briefs. Frees your cock and lets it slap against her palm. Hard, throbbing, undeniable evidence of everything she does to you.
And she isâwhat the fuck is she to you? Your girlfriend's friend. Her senior, her pseudo-older sister.
Your client. Or, your boss.
Or justâshe's the person that caught you sneaking around backstageâbored, horny, stupid.
You're the help, securityâcompanyâs hired muscle. Already neck-deep in the shit by dating Yuha; and you dug your grave and carved your own tombstone the second Ningning caught you in their dressing roomâpanties smothered over your face, cock in your fist, chasing a peak you couldnât quite summit.
That was the first time you gave her everything she wanted.
She was smiling then too. Like she'd been waiting for the excuse.
She looks back up at you, fixated on your lips.
"Yizhuo?" She mocks you, and reaches up with her other hand, pressing it to your lips. You let her in, as easy as you let her into your home, let her force two fingers in until you gag, until she has you choking on her digits when they tickle the back of your throat.
She twists her fingers in your mouth, has you drooling down them, leaving them slick with your own spit.
And then she drags them out, pulls the strings of your saliva down to your cock, and runs her hand over it in one, decisive, torturous pump.
"Yizhuo is what my friends call me," she says, taking you from head to base, and slathering the underside, underneath your balls. "Are we friends now?"
You choke down another breath when she starts to stroke, achingly slow, always patient. You buckle under her gaze and it has you confessing, "No."
"I didn't think so," she tuts. "Don't make me repeat myself again. Turn around."
Ningning steps away, gives you just enough room to move. To show her your back, make yourself vulnerable to her.
Let her know she could do anything at all and you'd just take it.
And it's fucking embarrassing when she reaches around and finds you so humiliatingly hard. You know the look on your face must be even worse, because Ningning's laughing.
"My, my, my," she says, clicking her tongue against her teeth as she gets the full measure of you. Taking her timeâshe needs it to navigate the length of youârevelling in every second. "So hard already? You look so ridiculous in my hand."
And then:
"This would snap tiny, pretty Yuha in half," and it does its job, provokes you, but every chance of resistance is drained from you when she wrenches her hand tight and takes your cock rough from base to tip. "How nice of me, doing both of you a favour."
Your knuckles go white against the counter, there's plenty you could do, but with Ningning all you can ever manage is brace yourselfâride it out, let her have her way.
She keeps herself busy, crafting slow, deliberate strokes. Getting off on this, her skin so deliriously hot against you, burning, like she knowsâknows if she twists her grip like this she can rip out something raw from your throat; knows if she rushes her palm down it'll make you hiss through your teeth.
And she knows if she squeezes and pumps you fastâfilling your kitchen with these slick, messy noises, this rhythmic schlick-schlick-schlickâyou'll call her name again and she'll have to bite into your shoulder and warn you: "What did I say about calling me Yizhuo?"
You close your eyes. It's just a handâit could be any other girl, you spend your days in proximity of so many of them.
"I'm the only one for you," she tells you, finishing a thought you didn't realise she could hear. "No other girl would know how to use you right."
She pulls a moan out of you when she palms your tip, smearing the beads there, before gliding her hand downâand you hate that it sounds like an affirmation.
"They wouldnât even know where to start,â she continues on, steady torment. âTheyâd need you to teach them, guide their small hands, be their first big strong man.â
You open your eyes, catching her other hand tugging your pants down and under your ass; your shirtâs already unbuttoned, dropping down your shoulders and leaving your chest bare, free for her nails to mark up and dig into.
"Yuha sure as hell expects that." She laughs again and it's evil and she's on her toes now, sucking something hard into the line of your throatâand it's going to leave a mark, something you won't be able to hide, will need to explain away to your girlfriend, to the other girls, to the company in the morning, but that's the last thing in your mind when Ningning adds her teeth and makes it hurt.
"Fuck," spills out, and you're seething, seeing red, gripping into the counter so hard you could make a dent.
"You love it." She kisses into your new scar, soothes you, the sick kind of tenderness only she can grant, and it makes you bend into her, lets her fold her body over yours, and her words hit you like a healing balm, the feeling of her body slotting over yours, enveloping warmth, tits slick with sweat squashed against your back, leg hooking around your knee like she's trying to crawl inside you, lips so close to yours and reflex has you turning to meet them.
"Please."
"Just this once," she tells you, and youâre so thankful when the pace of her hand builds, and her nails start to draw a circle around your nipple, and you twist your head far enough that she can breathe in every sigh and pained gasp she drags out of you before swallowing it all in a kiss.
She leads it with her tongue, and you're falling into her, into her grip, into her mouth, into the soft wet of her lips against yours, and there's so much she's doing, forcing on youâpumping, squeezing hard, pinching, twisting your nipple, and there's something in this that you want to deny so much: her control, her promise of where she can take you, it feels so good now, she can make it feel even better later.
Until she bites into your bottom lip, and youâre tasting copper, and she pulls away.
"Baby," she says, with a last, messy peck on your chin, the strands of saliva hanging there, another binding she has on you. "You're so pathetic."
You groan when she gets close, thigh brushing the back of yours, knee splitting between your legs to keep you spread open. Grinding herself into you, forcing you still with a single hand wrapped around you, and you can hear how hot both of you areâthe squelch of your spit, your slick making your cock all glossy.
Her fingers tightenâjust enough to make your knees buckle. And she builds, this aching pace, she knows the rhythm, knows how to make your skin crawl.
"You're a pervert, a filthy degenerate," she lists off, breath scalding the shell of your ear. "Bet you were sweet and gentle with Yuha on your little date. Calling her baby, telling her how pretty she looks in that dress. Kissed her like a good boyfriend would."
You wouldnât dare, itâd be fucking audacious, to read anything into itâbelieve thereâs a twinge of jealousy there, envy at her own junior. Pure disaster. Your brainâs already too fried to untangle the implications of that anyway.
"Tell me, tell me how good you were to her," she says, and she twists on your nipple again, pierces you with her nails. "Or were you too distracted counting down the minutes until you could come crawling home to me."
"I was good," you rasp; you're barely keeping it together. There's no hiding anything nowâyour body, your moans, it all betrays you any time you try to do anything other than what she wantsâand if that wasn't enough it's the sound of her stroking you, so goddamn loud it rings in your ears and laughs at your whines. "I am good to her."
She punishes you with these fast, brutal strokes, and snaps, "Liar. How can you say that when you love this so much?"
"Iâ"
But you can't finish, Ningning gives your nipple one last tug and slides her hand around your body, dragging a nail down your lower back, engraving a path that ends right at your ass, between your cheeks.
"Yizhâ"
"That's the third time," she grunts, and pushes her finger against the tight ring of your asshole. "The third time you've tried to call me by my name. But that's not what you get to call me, is it?"
Something raw, something that doesn't belong to you surges from your throat when she pushes, finger tight against your rim, and it's just a fingertip inside but it has your knees banging against the marble in front of you and you're not sure what hurts worse but you're absolutely sure of what feels best.
"Don't say another fucking word, unless it's the one I want to hear," she says, and she's grinding herself harder against your leg, fucking herself on your thigh, soaked panties dragging hot and slippery over your skin. She's so warm, like a sick, twisted embrace and through the corner of your eye you can see herâthe delirious grin on her face, the violent delight she's taking from you and you can't help but think it:
She's so gorgeous.
Ningning pushes until she's knuckle-deep inside you, your whole world narrowing to this single point. Itâs sharp, burning, before melting into something disgustingly good as she curls it, squeezing that spot that rips the word out of you like it was always waiting underneath your tongue:
"Mommy."
And she chuckles, twists her finger, driving it all the way in, forcing you to fuck yourself deeper into her hand.
"Mommy, it'sâ"
"I know," she kisses it into your neck, licks it across your cheek, tastes the tears that you can't stop leaking from the corner of your eyes. "Mommy's got you."
She fucks you like thisâlike there's no time left, like either of you might drop dead any second now so there's only thisâfucking your ass like it's the light at the end of the tunnel, having you fuck her hand just the same.
âThis is all youâre good for, isnât it?â Her breath hitches, she pants against you, wet, parted lips sliding across your cheek. âBeing a good slut, a fucktoy for your Mommy, isnât that right?â
And youâre already so far gone, airâs going thin, itâs getting worse with every press, and she just keeps pushing deeper, punishing you into this merciless pace.
âAll of thisâall of you. Your cock, your tight little assholeâmine, mine, mineâsay it.â
âYesâfuckâitâs yoursâitâs yoursââ Youâre whining, exhaling hard with every stroke, thereâs nowhere else to go, just do your best to tell her whatever she wants to hear. âAlways been yours.â
And it's pressure building, cooking inside of you, the marks she left on you, the pain you'll rememberâblood in your mouth, your shoulder, red on your chest, blooming around your asshole, she's fucking banging you into the counter now, and whatever squeeze your ass has on her finger she's matching around your cock.
"Come on, baby, just for me," she coos, and you try to close your eyes but her voice stops you in placeâ"Don't look awayâlook me in the eyes, so I can see you. See who you really areâa filthy boy who gets off on getting broken by his Mommy."
So you look, stare, see that glassy wash of pure joy, the hunger there, how she's living for this, dominating, being in control of you, punishing you with this ruthless, this rough, this brutal kind of fucking.
âNothing will ever make you feel as good as me. You want me to make you feel so good, donât you? Suck your worthless cock. Fuck every drop of cum out of youâtake every single inch,â Ningning tells you so easily, sincerely, like itâs already planned, destined, itâs all in the cards, andââI can do it for you, baby, I can do it all.â
She shoves her whole body into your back, fucking her finger deeper; itâs insane, all of itâher digit curling inside your ass, stretching you out, finding all sorts of angles to exploit.
âIâve got a surprise. Mommyâs got a gift for you. A nice, big toy. A brand new cock. Iâll show my cute little slut how to really fuck.â
That makes you cry out something guttural, makes your cock throb painfully in her grip, another thick bead of you sliding over her knuckles.
âYou'd love that, wouldnât you? Love to have Mommy ruin your tight, tiny asshole. Stretch it out wide.â Ningning bites it into your ear, âGreedy.â
âYesâpleaseâMommyâfuckâpleaseââ Youâre sputtering, itâs all too much, a miracle youâre still somehow coherent, just repeating the same begs, the same pleas, the same prayers because you're feeling itâfeeling her everywhere. âPleaseâmy assâI canât take itââ
And that's your excuseâyour out, this is all just a bodily reaction, inbuilt instinct, natural chemistry, biology, whatever the fuck.
She's stroking every sensitive nerve of your cock; fucking you deep, reaching mind-numbing points you could never dream to find yourself each time she invades your asshole and god, Jesus, fuck, Mommy, she's forcing a second finger inside you, splitting you open raw andâ
"Cum for me, cum on my finger, cum all over Mommyâs hand, do it for meânow."
Maybe it's not so bad that it feels so fucking good to not be ashamed, not try to hide, you can embrace who you really are around her.
Maybe itâs right to listen to herâdo what she says, tell her youâll be good and obedient for her; your bodyâs already ahead of you, so, so close, every nerve of yours in a chorus of agreement with how sheâs fucking you.
It's for the bestâit's what you needâlet her have her way, let her call you her bitch, her slut, her tight, perfect hole, let her get deep in your guts, let her pull every shameful drop of cum from your cockâit's protection, it's your job, that's what it is.
You're protecting Yuha, protecting your relationship, so it's fine, it's okay, itâs okay, she can fuck you like this, make you cum, and later when she swallows your cock whole and rides you until youâre screaming, and rails your ass with her strap until youâre in tears and cumming all over her cock, youâll be good, itâll be over, because it's not like you need her, not like you need yourâ
"Mommy, Iâm going to cum!"
âSo cum then.â
It's a split second, like a gunshotâhot searing pain firing through your body and tearing a hole right through youâand it must look the same, it's written all over Ningning's face, hanging off the tilt of her plush lips.
All of a sudden: you're gushing, spewing cum all over her hand, shooting past her grip and her fingers go deep inside you and you're hitting the marble, splashing all over, across the bench, serving dessert for Ningning on the same counter you've prepared so many dinners for Yuha on so many nights before.
Ningningâs all over you, her full weight on you, she's been moaning in your ear this whole time, chewing up your lobe, tonguing inside, she's in your ass, she's in your fucking head, flooding your mind, telling you:
"That's it,â she coos, the praise dripping straight into the mess sheâs made of you, âKeep going, keep going for Mommy, my good boyâ"
And youâre gone.
It's splatter after splatter of cum across the counter, and she's pushing you into it and you would be face-first in your own release but you're somehow able to keep yourself propped up.
You cry for your Mommy one last broken, wrecked timeâand everything blurs into a flash of whiteâpainting the counter, your stomach, your open shirt, Ningning's hand.
She doesn't stop. Milks you through every pulse until your thighs shake and you're not sure you can stand on your own anymoreâand you're leaning on her for support, whimpering into her shoulder, oversensitive, over-fucking-whelmed, spent dry.
Only then does she ease up.
You sob when her fingers leave your ass. Groan when her hand pulls back from your cock.
She looks at the mess, the art she's made.
Leaves you to collapse in your own heap over the counter next to it. Catch your breath.
And then she takes a small step to the right, leans forward over the counter, bending lowâand drags her tongue up the island in one, long scoop. Taking care to collect every single drop, every spurt you had, getting it all on her tongue, slow and thorough, and you just lie there, heaving, cock still twitching, ass still flexing open and close, staring, hooked on her.
She takes her time, tongue dragging slow, savouring it, leaving not a single inch of the counter unclean. Reclaiming every drop you wasted on anything that isnât her.
Then, she drops to her knees, licks a long stripe up your cock, runs a finger under your balls, over the twitching shaft, wringing out the last pathetic beads that never reached the marble.
Ningning rises, presses her cum-slick lips to your chest, slurps the rest off your skin, and hums the entire time, like it's Sunday cleaning, like you're her furniture she's putting back in order.
And when she finally gets to her feet, towering over you, eyes on yours, lips sealed shut, you realise sheâs kept it all, every single dropâhasnât swallowed once, holding it all just for this. For you.
For a second, you wait.
You open your mouth.
She drools your cum inside.
Globs of it, sticking to the inside of your mouth, salty-sweet, making you cough, gag, filling up your head with the scent of you, but you can't do anything about it because she's taking you by the chin and kissing you before you can breathe.
It's hard, it's full of her tongue, full of your cum, it'sâitâs so fucking hot. Itâs dirty. Almost loving. She makes you feel it, fastens her body to yours, has you collapsing to the ground and she straddles you so easily, so naturally, and it feels so right and good that it has you swelling angrily against her and youâre finding new ways to hate her all over again.
She takes your hand, fills it with her pretty tits and squeezes your palm against her, mewling into your mouth when you find a nipple and twist.
Rolling her hips against your cock, she's fucking drenched, cunt drooling all over you, and youâre bucking up to meet her, struggling against the lace she's left on but you think if you try hard enough you can rip straight through.
Her hands are in the back of your hair, and she's pulling, tugging, wrenching you closer, breathing all of you in and sucking every drop of cum back into her mouth before pushing it down your throat with her tongue and making you swallow it all.
You know what she's declaring, loud and clear.
She could have you anytime, anywhere, any way she wants.
And when she's done, she slides her lips off yours, down your cheek, to your ear and tells you what you already know.
"You're disgusting."
She breaks away, stands tall. Peels her top off her body, tosses it onto the counter. It never mattered. Steps out of her panties without breaking her stride, rounding the island, hips swaying down the hallway towards your bedroom.
You hear her when sheâs out of sight, "Do you need me to say it?"
Youâre scrambling to your knees. Youâre not sure if you'll make it to your feet.
You'll crawl if you have to.
"I'm coming, Mommyâ"
"Crawl faster, baby. Mommyâs cunt isnât going to fuck itself."
Tags: angst, smut (but itâs absolutely not the focus), polars, friendstolovers/enemiestolovers, general incoherence, time. time. time
21k words
Better consumed on fanprose
For @azelfty and @jmuns-kpop prompt, From Time to Time. Much love to the two hosts for helping me with making this more palatable.
For anyone else, it'd be impossible to know her this well. And that's the thing. You're not sure how to juggle this. You and her. Her and her. The fact that you've seen every facet of her being. The good, the bad, the ugly. That you can't leave her. You're an epiphyte, non-sessile, and every moment she's still there.
Your mother said the two of you created destiny when you were born. Same antenatal classes, same expected term. You remember it to the dot. Five minutes and forty-four seconds younger. Just barely.
Your brain hadn't even developed, so how were you expected to know that that was when it all began?
You couldn't know how much you'd learn to hate her- You couldn't know how much she'd be by your side.
And you get it. Every single moment you get it. It's high school. It's the time for firsts. First loves, first experiences. First time falling, not in the kiddish way, the way you trip over a rock and scrape skin on asphalt. In the adult way, holding onto another's hand like you're clutching mom's too tight.
Everyone's been telling you she's pretty. You? You don't feel that way. You've seen her face too long. You know it too well. She's objectively beautiful, sure, but subjectively she carved out her own definition of herself ages ago. It's too complicated to get into what that means, because at the end of the day, subjectivity is no definite meaning.
Kim Minji. Small face, fragile eyes. Sometimes she doesn't look like she's really there. Real, tangible, existing in a universe. She was born for all the right things.
You've seen for real when she's at her best- You've seen for real when she's at her worst.
She loves you- she hates you.
She's your best friend- she's your worst enemy.
She hurts- you blister.
Twelve at noon and already she's spinning around you, hand on arm, tugging you along. Cheese kimbap on the lunch menu- she can't miss it.
âYou're gonna make me late," she growls, eyes forward, parting the sea of brown uniforms and black skirts.
âAnd you're making this all about you again. Seriously, you need to take it easy," you chuckle, half a smile on as you glide behind her.
âThat's not the point," Minji snaps, creating gaps for the two of you to slip through with the heat of her gaze alone. âYour problems are my problems. I care, so when you need help, I'm there. If nothing else, it's kind of in my job description."
And you know. Class President Minji. Head Prefect Minji. Perfectly-pressed uniform, face of the school Minji. She said she found her purpose here, making use of all her god-given talents the way they were always made to be used, to stand taller, a head above the rest.
That's how she's always been.
The doors to the infirmary swing open, Minji striding in like all the nurses there- some two or three times older than her- belong to her.
âMa'am, injury," Minji states, lifting your arm up by the wrist to show the nearest nurse your excoriated elbow. You glance at the red patch you were awarded with just five minutes ago, a result of ignorance. The sting's already faded, and you don't really need this, but well, she'll just cite protocol or something.
âCould you get him a plaster? And disinfect the wound?"
The nurse nods, giving Minji an obedient nod and shooting you a slightly perturbed look for inconveniencing her day. You blink, both of you staring at absolutely nothing happening for a couple of seconds.
âI got it, you know," you finally say, eager to help her along, âyou don't have to stick around to watch me get patched up. Go get your kimbap."
Minji flicks her eyes to yours, mind finally chugging along. Her painfully tight grip on your wrist loosens.
âRight. Let me know if you need anything, okay?"
You wave her off with a small hand signal, and she offers a wry smile, eyes lingering till she crosses the doorway.
***
âStop creating headaches for me," Minji bites, head turned to the side on the last step to the doorway, âyou'd think you're old enough to know how to take care of yourself."
You resist the urge to snap back, sighing. You're tired, and the faster she gets out of your hair, the better.
The nurse wheels over on her rolling chair, plaster and antiseptic in hand, nudging towards the bed beside her for you to sit down so she can get on with it. You hardly wince when she rubs the swab into your skin with more force than necessary. Like you said, it hardly stings. When she's done, she tells you you can go, but is fine with you staying for a few minutes.
You brush your finger across the plaster absentmindedly, eyes glancing down to it. The design is familiar, startling you. You're surprised this Doraemon version still exists, ten years later. And it's oddly topical. Your eyes turn to outside the window and immediately you're ten years back, when Minji was just as much a headache as she is now. The kind of memory that makes you feel like nothing's changed.
âYou need a plaster for that," you murmur, crouched next to Minji, splattered on the playground floor.
Short hair, purple dress. The Minji of this age is a forgotten memory, someone only her family can recall. And you, of course.
âNo I don't," Minji grunts, slowly picking herself up from the floor. You notice the dirt on her cheek, the significant gash on her forearm. You probably look callous.
âYeah you do. Mom says that when it gets red and wet, you need to cover it up. With a plaster."
âWell I don't need your plaster," Minji retorts, pushing herself to her knees.
You watch her again, every detail on her firm, youthful face.
âIs she alright?"
You turn your head to Minhyun. âShe's got a cut. She can't play."
âI can play," Minji growls.
You turn back to her, eyes cool. You stand back up, leaving her to pick herself back up.
âYou're stubborn." You say simply, walking away.
You skip lunch, which is fine.
You twirl your pen idly in your hand, utilising dozens of memorised finger tricks, spinning it over the hollow between thumb and forefinger. You're early to the next lesson.
In your head, you replay the scene one more time, the last play that got you injured. You had the ball, and you were dribbling it forward. Passed the first defender with two gentle touches, easy, and the next provided more of a challenge. A quick one two, forcing the scenario where the only option was a pass back to you.
And you'd have made the shot too, if the idiot hadn't tugged at your sleeve and brought both of you to the floor.
And right then and there, Minji had appeared, like she had known. Like she'd been waiting all along to catch you in that moment. Triumphant, towering over you, like she's won something. And you already feel, before you even look up and see, the shadows of her hair across your cheek.
She gives you a cursory scan, like reading lines off a script. Barely even there.
âNurse's office," she declares, before the adrenaline's even faded, before the pain's even sunk in.
âPiss off, Minji."
âYou've got a cut," Minji presents, like there's nothing more that delights her than seeing you with wounds.
âI'm not going for a damn cut."
âI wasn't asking."
You push yourself to your feet, quick, like you're getting back up after taking a haymaker. You square your shoulders, straighten your back, reminding her who really towers above who. Your frame is enough to wrap all around her.
âAnd what? You're gonna make me?"
And Minji grabs your wrist, right over the split skin, careless, eliciting a hiss. And she tugs at you with serious strength, the strength you only get when you want to strike down someone you absolutely detest. And the reality is that you could still break away just as easily, tug your arm free. But when she pulls you off the field, in front of all the confused eyes and the ones going, not this again, you don't fight back, because you don't exactly need to.
And because there's a rule stopping you.
âSo, another spat with queen Minji," a soundlessly drawn chair heralds the arrival of your deskmate, Haerin.
You glance up, into her feline eyes, the ones she's somehow mastered to give absolutely nothing away. âThere was no spat."
âShe dragged you to the nurse's office." She states.
âI had a cut," you grit your teeth.
âYou followed. Willingly."
âYour point being? I shouldn't have rolled into my back and exposed my belly?"
Haerin doesn't even blink. Just stares at you. Unnerving, as always. âWhen cats are backed into a corner, they face belly towards their attacker. So they have more limbs clawing out to attack."
Of course feline-synonymous-Haerin would use that as an analogy.
âYour point," you restate.
Haerin's eyes turn to the front of the class, where students are starting to file in. âYou're going to maul her back. When?"
âI'm not going to maul her. Or do anything."
âNot going to, not intending, but you will. Because it's instinct. And all animals are slaves to them. It'll happen."
âIs society just a perfect recreation of Animal Farm for you, hmm? Cat? And why are you interested?"
Haerin glances at you with a look that answers all your questions and does nothing of the sort simultaneously.
âKeeping up to date with your shenanigans is useful for me. And I don't want to be instigated."
But you want to be there to watch, you think, having known Haerin for long enough. Prof enters next, and you sigh, settling your hands on the edge of your textbook.
If this is war, the state of the battlefield hasn't changed in years. But it's paradoxically not a stalemate.
âMaybe she'll finally force you to give her a thank you," Haerin comments, humorous for her, somehow.
Playing favours? You don't owe Kim Minji a damn thing.
***
You owe Kim Minji everything. Before you were born, the two of you were intertwined, and so naturally- everything after.
Nursery, preschool. Every damn thing, you've been together. Your parents are developed best friends. It gets easier that way, to be conjoined at the hip. Recommendation is the next step. Your mom puts you to piano, says that the trend in reversing, that guys are in. Minji gets the drums, rhythm in her head like the assured way she walks. But the same music school.
Yeah, the two of you are even neighbours. Same white picket fence, the ones people metaphorically sit on. Your families rotate who sends the two of you to school in the mornings. And, if you haven't emphasised enough, same school. Every single time.
âHow's your cut?" Minji asks, shoulder to shoulder with you, feet in step. Something she adopted since young, saying she likes the symmetry. A little thing you remember.
âPretty sure it's already healed, after the wonderful care and concern of my class president."
Minji clicks her tongue, but there's a grin on her face. âNo need to be sarcastic. I know you missed lunch."
âI was indeed robbed," you nod, âMy class president abandoned me with icy nurse Jeon while she went off on her own to enjoy cheese kimbap delicacy."
Minji guffaws.
âA tragedy," Minji plays along, but pulls out a fist-sized package wrapped hastily in a plastic bag.
âI saved you two pieces," She says, offering them. You smile, grabbing them eagerly and digging in with your dirty fingers.
Minji wrinkles her nose at your display. âUnhygienic."
âI was starved," you counter through a mouthful of rice. Minji shakes her head, turning back to the road with a grin and her hands on her backpack straps.
âHow was class?" You continue, voice still muffled by rice. Ill-mannered, but there isn't a day that goes by without one of you asking this question on the road home.
âFine. Prof Lee was being a hardass, as usual. Why haven't you read ten chapters ahead? Do you not know the syllabus inside out? You guys are ready to fail finals? Typical stuff."
âThis is why I left his class," you reply, digging around in the plastic bag like you'll somehow duplicate the last piece with a finger spell.
âWell, Prof Jang is a bum. So it's either him or a guaranteed fail."
âWhich is why I have you to tutor me. I can't lose."
Minji rolls her eyes. âDanielle asked me for help with planning Teacher's Day."
âOf course she did. What would poor Vice-pres Danielle do without golden girl president Minji's help?"
âDon't be like that. She's helpful. And nice."
âPretty too," you jest.
âHey! No. We are not talking about that again. More importantly, she asked me for help to plan the sports and games. She needs ideas for the inclusive activity."
âWhat, does chess with your homeroom teacher not sound riveting?"
Minji rolls her eyes, again. Habitual. âWell, I can't think of anything right now either. Fortunately, I know someone who sacrificed doing anything productive in life to waste his time playing games."
You narrow your eyes. âI play games productively."
âSure you do. So, any ideas?"
âWhy are you roping me into this? Do I get a nice treat at the end of the stick?"
âJust follow the carrot, will you?"
You grumble, or try to. But Minji still looks at you expectantly like you'll pull magic out of your arse.
âAt least give me a moment to come up with something. Otherwise all I'm gonna give you is like, a soccer match, or something."
Minji freezes in her tracks, off tempo, and you have to crane your neck to look back.
âGenius!" She shrieks, bounding forward.
You blink. âI uh, I have been known for my extremely wrinkly brain-â
âIt's perfect! Students against teachers, a game for all ages! It'll be competitive, tense, easy to play-â
âYeah, that," you finger-gun, like you had that all calculated.
â-and all those who have nothing to do would!'t be bored being the audience. It makes perfect sense. You're the best!"
Minji leaps onto you, catching you off-guard, and it's muscle memory that you remember how to catch her embrace. She does it often, with you, the soft scent of cocoa and mulberries and the fulfilling warmth of having figured out exactly where your limbs go from years of practice. You hear her sigh against your ear as your bodies press, and when she pulls away, you find your feet a little unsteady. She must be getting heavier, or something. It's a feeling that's been getting worse.
âIf a hug is all I'm getting, I'm calling it quits being your last-minute saviour."
âGreedy, are you? Do you want a thank you kiss on the cheek? Like your mom always gave you when you were five?"
You scrunch your nose, showing teeth. âEw. Do not bring up my dark past."
âYour mom would be heartbroken if she heard you say that."
âDon't blackmail me," you frown.
âI'm not as evil as you."
A pause.
"Tomorrow we both have a day off. My place? Lego?"
âOf course you'd ask me to help you build Lego on your day off. That Hogwarts train, am I right?"
âSo five pm? I'll let mom know you're staying for dinner."
You rest your hands on your hips. âStop acting like I have a choice, will you? That's annoying."
âOkay," Minji nods immediately, âyou don't have a choice then. Not anymore."
You squeeze your eyes shut, sighing. Zero-sum game.
To take you even further back, the strange thing is, Minji's never really bothered. You. You're not sure how, because it should have happened. But it hasn't. It's improbable.
Not when she splintered the first Gundam model you ever made in half, a ruined birthday present (you keep both haves on a display shelf), not when the two of you got caught cheating in a meaningless childhood exam. Not when the statement, âfor all intents and purposes' became a life motto for you both to allow for occasional, shared, foolish risk.
The outside world puts it this way. The common explanation. Are you two dating? And the answer is no, but it feels worth it putting in the footnotes: You've just been there since the start, and she hasn't found a reason to replace you yet. In convenient terms, she's the excuse you have prepared when the boys are determining who's got game, who's cool and bagging them, and you're her bodyguard when the boys show up, which is common, for someone that's prim and proper and who looks like her.
It's her smiles you've gotten used to, the ones that seem almost too pretty, like she rehearsed to make sure her teeth don't show but letting her eyes give her away. They don't show often, in front of others, but in front of you they're more natural, since you're on the side where her fortress is less defended. The ones that has everyone getting mysterious knots in their stomachs, because there's always that idea that she seems more interested in you than she really is, like placebo where you think you mean more to her than you really do.
A snare. But you know that it's just her. You were then where she set it up.
Evidence, is what it is, when you head over after a quick shower, taking a seat on her bed while Minji drags a large plastic box over, starting to pull out unfinished chunks of Lego bricks.
âI'm still dead tired, you know," you yawn, pressing both hands into the soft mattress behind you. âAnother Prof Jang lecture. I feel deceased."
âWhat'd she go through this time?"
âI don't know. Didn't bother. And it's weird, because her period is a standard snoozefest, but you wake up right after feeling more tired than before you entered. How does that work?"
âRegretting your decision, I see," Minji teases, eyes narrowed on figuring out which instruction manual is which.
âI'm still taking her over Prof Lee any day."
You close your eyes for a few moments, leaning back, like a few seconds of shut-eye will rejuvenate you. You shift in your spot.
âAre these new sheets? Because damn, are they soft."
As you say it, you let your body fall to the side, face landing in her mattress, breathing in her scent and all. Comfy. You should ask her for a recommendation. Minji looks up, staring at you for a few moments. And you don't normally do faux pas anymore, but you check just in case.
âSorry, should I not be lying on your bed?"
Minji shakes her head slowly, mysterious smile on. âNo, it's fine. You better not fall asleep, though. I didn't invite you just for you to not help me."
Your eyes fall over the rest of her room, something you're used to doing- checking for any new updates. Past the blue walls, the squishy study lamp, past the evidence of you. Picture frame of you two in Europe on a join family trip, your birthday letters to her jammed shut on her desktop drawer, the little Sumikko Gurashi stickers.
"Your idea was a big hit, by the way," Minji states, flipping open the correct instruction manual to the correct page, "The teachers loved it."
"Congrats, Minji," you say honestly.
"It wasn't all me. Credit where credit is due."
You slip off the bed, falling into a cross-legged position by Minji. She tosses you a bag of bricks, and you start helping her fish for the correct parts. "Thanks for that too, I guess, even if your thanks ain't worth nothing."
"Prick," Minji glares. You chortle, slowly handing her the pieces as her focus slowly moves on from you and to her work at hand. You watch her for a few minutes, with a slight smile you can't wipe off, pieces already prepared. You watch her for longer than you usually do, something new, the way she swipes intruding strands of hair back, tucking them behind her ear when they fall in front of her face.
And there, life starts to get more complicated. Branched. And it's not just about increasingly important grades and rapid maturity.
"You better focus," Minji murmurs, eyes not glancing over to greet yours, but a small smirk on hers all the same. You tell yourself it's just something you like, the way she smiles. Small, but enough.
"You better not fuck up," you reply, something foggy settling at the back of your mind.
***
"You better not fuck this up," Minji threatens, every syllable landing like a game of darts where you're the dart board. You narrow your eyes, mentally clocking how long it took for her to shatter the tense peace between you two.
"You're assuming I'm gonna fuck up. Me."
"Your track record is shit."
Absolutely no cushioning. Just everything to bait a reaction from you.
"This project matters as much as it does to me as it does to you. So I think you can lay off it."
"Does it? Does it really matter? Do you really care about the quality of work we're about to submit? Or are you going to call it a day halfway again, when you're too lazy to go any further?"
Your eyes simmer with unbridled rage. Whichever sadistic fuck decided to put the two of you together for this, you'll give them a piece of your mind.
"I'm not here to be your punching bag. I don't need to listen to your narratives."
"Then prove it. Prove me wrong, if you can."
You resist the primal urge to bare your teeth.
"Bathroom," you say tersely.
"Down the hall," Minji's eyes barely even shift, "Second door on the right. And don't come back until you're actually awake and alert."
You have half a mind to just up and out of there, watching Minji pull her laptop from her bag, turning it on like she wouldn't care if you did.
And your brain is so suffocated with anger that you don't process a thing. All the observable traits, the blues of the walls, the picture frames on her bedside drawer, the powerpuff toothbrush in the powerpuff cup in the bathroom. You turn on the tap like the sound alone can drown out what's going on in your head. For a couple moments, you close your eyes, shutting everything out, and you're back again, circa 2015, when you felt the exact same way.
"Sir, he did it."
You winced, because of course you can't count on Kim Minji. Or maybe it is possible, but you're just the damn exception. Because the truth is she hates your guts. And maybe chivalry should be dead, because apparently intent doesn't matter, just the fact that you swung first, and Minji being in every aspect of the worst moments of your life means she has the perfect case file to land you behind metaphorical bars.
So yeah, screw the fact that you heard what he was saying about her, what he intended to say next that you cut off with a well-thrown punch. All that matters is that victorious feeling you know she gets when she sees you towering over the boy, now bruised cheeks and split lip, and still you even try to plead with her, he deserved it, keep this down.
Instead she just backed off, watching you with stony, unfeeling eyes, like she didn't need you to explain to already know everything in your mind, because Kim Minji had long decided to take any possible opportunity to drive her knife deeper into your stomach.
You wonder if she felt vindicated, felt the satisfaction of sweet, sweet revenge every time she walked past the third-floor corridor, as she watched you be punished in the school courtyard, arms at a ninety-degree angle.
The obvious truth is that you can't expect anything to change from her. And you have to live with that.
You turn the tap off with more of a smack than anything else, breathing heavily, but focusing it all through your nose.
You don't have to understand her. You don't have to be friends. You don't need to know what you've apparently robbed from her since the day she was born, something to make her feel this way about you. You just have to tolerate, to hold on until it's all over. And if it doesn't end, then you'll just call it a doomed life and move on in the next one.
If you even feel like having a next one.
"You're excessive."
"You're lacking."
And that's how it is. Not lacking details. Just you. Your character. It's all your fault.
You'll never admit you throw the words back at her the exact same way.
-
"You need to learn to be concise. As a result of uncertain prospects and weather conditions, rice producers may be discouraged from increasing their production of rice since, in the event of unexpected events like sudden flash floods, crops may be lost and their productivity will be affected, threatening producers' return on investments. Producers would thus choose to be pessimistic and reduce their production, decreasing market supply. You're writing an evaluative essay, not a narrative story."
Minji snorts like fuck everything going in one ear and going out the other, because she's already roadblocked anything that comes out of your mouth from entering any part of her being.
"Rice producers will choose to decrease their production as a result of a pessimistic outlook on their return on investments arising from uncertain weather conditions. This would reduce market supply, shifting the AS curve to the left." You power on, slimming her words exponentially.
"You're missing context. There's no realistic scenario involved, which would get you flagged. You'd miss easy marks because of that."
"It's not about greedily baking your cake and eating it too. There's a word count. It's about grabbing as much as possible, with the least amount of effort."
"It's not greedy if it was intended to be doable."
"You're impossible."
"And you're nauseating."
The two of you glare at each other for a few moments, and by that you mean you try to burn two holes in her skull with imaginary Superman heat vision while she gives you that icy blank look where she pretends like you're not under her skin and dragging razors along her flesh.
"I'm done."
"Good, fuck off. Prove you're useless, as always."
"You don't have a single receptor for constructive criticism in your entire egoistic biological makeup."
"I just don't listen to the hoi polloi."
You snort, an exact mirror of the way she did just a minute ago. Anyone else looking down at the two of you would say she's rubbing off on you. And you'd crucify them.
"I hope you choke on verbose overdose."
"Since you're cutting all these words, why don't you cut your dick off while you're at it."
"Termagant."
"Parasite."
"Witch."
You grab your bag, and your things, leaving in a storm, but taking care not to slam her doors or leave her mark on the damn carpet, because god knows she'll find a way to file for your expulsion because of it.
There's a mental timer in your head, a developed thing. You keep the records, the personal bests. The event? How long before Kim Minji screws up another part of your life. And how does defending champion Minji do?
Three days. Three days.
You avoid her like the plague, which is a useless tactic you're not sure why you're still continuing to employ. The reality? She's in your head regardless, and forget about free real estate, because she's built a goddamn metropolis in the expanse of your mind. Just the slightest flash of her straight dark locks is enough to set you off in a frenzy.
No you don't hate her. She's just unbearably annoying, because she spent her whole damn life figuring out how to sink her teeth in, ever since the first time you remember her splattering on the floor when she was five. She's annoying. Nothing more.
(You hate her.)
And you keep revisiting it, in the time machine that is your head, at each and every damn possible moment. Every single moment the two of you have interacted. You can fail every single subject at school and have an eidetic memory when it comes to the history of you and her, and you don't know why. She might be a python, constricting, or a viper, fangs full of delirious venom.
The fact that you resent every single microsecond of those five minutes and forty four seconds, because some part of it actually gets to you, the fact that you're supposed to be younger. Sometimes when she gives you that condescending look, it gets to you. And you hate it. You hate it hate it hate it.
And, just to point out, the ridiculousness of it all? Celebrating birthdays together, a custom you were too young to stop, and the both of you suffering as a result of actions you couldn't control.
Yeah, mom. Logistically, it makes so much sense. Why book two separate locations when you can just share the price of one? Yeah, dad. The two of you practically live in the same social circle for all your lives, and who else can you blame for that?
There's this one fucked up picture, one you can't help but laugh at every time you see it in your family photobook or phone gallery (yeah, she owns a part of that too).
It's from your shared thirteenth birthday, the one where Minji wore a pink dress and had a matching party hat on. And it goes like this. The setting? Cake in the middle, not lit yet, soon, but right before. When they're arranging everything into the perfect shot. You're in the foreground, and Minji in the background, because it's this forty-five degree angle from the side of the table, not the front.
Minji's stoic, like all her servos got locked up from water damage. She sits exactly how she'll sit five years later, in class, but instead of paying attention her eyes are all dead and unfocused. Her parents comment that she looks uncharacteristically sad, and it's true, because her eyelids are all hanging low, pink on her skin like strawberry jam on undercooked pancakes, like it's offensive to her.
And then there's you, in some half-assed, crumpled white dress shirt and trousers, hair done up and styled like you're in the office. And just the way you have your head on your arm on the table, cheek tucked into your bicep, forearm propped straight up and thumb pressed straight in the center of your forehead, thumbnail leaving a mark like a bullet.
You look pissed, like you suddenly fast forwarded and aged fifty years, eyes closed in the literal done with life look. And it should be a fucking sign, for everyone there and then, present company, that something about this dynamic is clearly wrong. But the evaluation? It's cute.
Even though nothing about that day was. The endless way Minji did everything and anything to avoid speaking to you, the way you tried, emphasis on that word, to get her to cooperate with you on something or at least talk, but you were clearly communicating to a different species, because you get nothing from that tiny face of hers.
And you didn't even get into the part where you accidentally unwrapped one of her presents because of some unintentional logistical mix-up, and the look she gave you after could have wilted flowers in full bloom.
(You're pretty sure that limited edition Hot Wheels you lost right after the party is in her possession somewhere, some petty comeback. Occam's razor practically dictates it at this point.)
When you were three you thought she was just introverted. When you were five you suspected she just wasn't feeling it. Eight? Annoyed, sure, but it was only a day, and you thought things couldn't have been that deep. Fifteen? Sick of it, pleaded for a change in custom. Last year? You gave up.
The way you had to laugh and explain to your teacher that you were the last thing from Kim Minji's friend, and that the extensive catalogue you have of all the things you can't do regarding Kim Minji and the scenarios you can't recreate is in actuality a survival manual.
Oh yeah, you'll laugh. Laugh at the absurdity, the way things just can't possibly run this way. No loud music in the car on the way to school, no picking up her pencil when she drops it on the floor and it rolls next to your foot. No damned coffee, lest she spit it back in your face.
And at some point the two of you decided that you would go against every natural law and logical flow just to live lives as far apart from one another as possible. No sharing of friends, no acknowledging one another unless absolutely necessary, nothing.
Which segues perfectly into this next segment.
Love- war.
There is hardly a difference in the interactions between you and her. Which means that, of course, at this house party, Minji finds a perfect way to fuck up your night.
And it just doesn't seem possible. Because you're at the drinks table, seated and having a good time. You're not about the dancing, not about the bleeding eardrums or beer pong. But you are about the drinks. I mean, come on. Zero opportunity cost, besides a pounding headache in the morning. You don't need an economic term for that, because it's called a steal. So you savour the drinks with a stupid grin on your face, because this is what you're talking about.
And when someone approaches, a girl different from the rest of the crowd, you totally dig her vibe the moment she appears. For one, she's cute as heck. But, less colloquially, she hits this perfect in between of youth and lady, perfect transition of fun and coy, and immediately she's interesting. Slight air of mystery, small face. You're not sure how you've missed her in school, but you'll chalk it up to her probably having the complete opposite combination of subjects to you.
She's got a Minji vibe. But you know, in the conventionally attractive way. So not like Minji at all, because you hate Minji.
She catches sight of your laid-back form, sprawled out against your creaky plastic seat like you're halfway gone already, and it's like she can't even help the little giggle and toothy smile that bubbles out of her.
"You the bartender?" She says, hair perfectly straight. Gray, figure-hugging dress a terrific choice.
"Fuck no," you object immediately, finding the assumption absurd and funny, absurdly funny. "I'm the toilet they flush all the leftover drinks in before the parents come home."
And she laughs, laughs like she actually knows how to do it, not like a shrieking dolphin or a giggling duck.
"So you're the guy that scared away the bartender," She reasons, eyes scanning over the selection of drinks.
"I might have done that," you admit, even though you're pretty sure there wasn't a bartender in the first place.
"Any suggestions then, step-in-bartender?"
"Don't touch the Monkey Shoulder bare unless you hate yourself. And Double Black is always good."
The girl nods, reaching for one of the plastic cups, before motioning for the bottle mostly downed by you.
"Get it on the rocks, don't be shy."
She shovels a couple ice cubes from the ice bucket into her cup.
"You uh, got a name? Or should I call you⊠foreign languages elective?" You start, hoping to keep the most interesting person you've met today around for a little longer.
"Arts, actually. Would you even be able to remember my name by tomorrow?" The ends of her lips tug wryly.
"Oh trust me, I can hold my liquor. I'll remember you, which I guess makes it up to you to decide if that's good or bad."
Her eyes sparkle like you're speaking her language. She tilts her head quickly to a side, her hair doing this pretty little thing and shifting like a beaded curtain, eyes prominent even under her cute bangs. She gives you a smile that reaches her cheeks.
"Hanni. Hanni Pham."
"Hanni," you repeat, offering her a hand. "Cute name. Vietnamese?"
"Thank you. Yes, actually, how did you know?"
Wow, her hands are soft in the handshake. You almost get a slight thrill from it. "I'm good with names."
You give her your name quick, before she needs to open up her mouth to ask, and nothing in her body language suggests you've made a wrong step, so you decide to go for it. I mean, may as well do something productive with your evening, right?
"How's the drink?" You ask quick, like you're nervous for her review.
"Good. It's smooth."
"Score. My dad likes it. Learned to enjoy it from him."
"Your dad has good taste."
You smile, rising up from your seat. Hanni does this double take, eyes widening suddenly like she's caught off guard by you closing the distance, or that she's throwing away whatever previous perception she had of you and looking again, because yes, you're taller.
"Intimidating," she rushes out, off-script.
"Just stretching my legs. You have me worried about my self image, that I might be looking like a hobo sitting draped in a chair by the drinks like that."
Hanni chuckles into her drink. Fascinating. She makes laughing look⊠fun.
"How come I've never seen you around before? I swear I'd have remembered someone like you. What Arts elective?"
"Subtle," Hanni deflects, trying to trip you up, taking another sip from her drink so she can gauge your reaction without giving away hers.
"What's that?" You twitch your eyebrows, letting her know you know exactly what she means. That you're fully aware. Not even the cup is enough to cover her wide smile.
She's fun. Incredibly fun. Nails pressing into all these interesting spots, like she's toying with your skin in a way you didn't quite anticipate. Something novel. She almost seems too mature to be here.
"Well, if you must know, I'm in dance."
Bloody hell. And she's fit?
"Damn, you might be gifted, girl."
"I get that sometimes," she slides the rim of her cup against her lips playfully, or maybe it's her lips against the rim of the cup. Doing that thing all hot girls do, knowing that they're rainbow fish swimming temptingly out of reach.
Knowing that she's hooked you without even trying.
"So, are you gonna do a tarot reading now? Can I be privy to what you're up to?"
You grin. "Just checking if we're compatible."
Pink tinges her cheeks. So there's holes in her phalanx. "You're forward."
Your eyes dip for a minute, something less jestful. "It's not too much, is it? You should tell me, you know. Is it good or bad?"
Dump that away for later, because she says, coy as she's mastered all this while, "Good."
Heaven above, please say you're on a roll. For once, you're understanding. Why everyone digs the sweaty and dirty house party, the ones that involve ninety-percent bad acting and ten-percent get me the hell out of here. Where else are you going to get an experience like this? It's a gamble, letting it ride, on that off chance you get lucky- it's all about hope.
And someone better not take it all away.
Your brain is telling you you're in, that you're right, and of course, you could describe every little action and verbal spar, how each step is a tiptoe. But the concise version is this: Ear-splittingly loud music turns miraculously silent. You take one step closer, she does the same. Your smiles start to blend, doing that weird thing where it goes from being what you represent to a mix of taking what you learn from her, and vice versa.
And you think to yourself, you might be in danger. And if you know anything about being in danger, it's that someone is always there to drag you, kicking and screaming, to safety.
"Get the fuck away from her."
And now, you'll never say you've ever been by a tornado, hurricane, gale force wind, whatever the hell this foreign strength is. You know from watching all these combat movies, Creed, John Wick, Fight Club, even damn Ip Man- strike to kill, and all that.
At first, you think, ah crap, caught by the boyfriend, and you're about to pat yourself on the back for a nice try and then rub your own shoulder a little for the butthurt feelings you're gonna get.
But only one person could ever hate you this much.
So as you're wrenched away, your brain kind of already knows, and by the time you're stumbling to balance, you already recognise the voice.
"What the fuck- Minji?" Comes from Hanni, and for a moment, the floor spins, not enough to upend you, but enough to remind you that you're not fully sober.
"The hell-" You don't even have a half moment to fully form the expression before something swipes across your face, quick. And it's audible, and it wakes you up.
The slap doesn't hurt, because it never does at first. Your brain does that stutter where it prays no one heard it before your eyes confirm that they definitely did, then it goes hyperactive, and in every passing millisecond you process everything at once.
"Oh my god, Minji!"
Minji spins to face Hanni, face furious, like she's the last bastion of human decency, like she's been pushed to fight.
And nothing in your blood boils, for anger or embarrassment. There's only disappointment, because of course, time and time again.
"Stay away from him. He's not for you. Trust me."
"Minji, you just slapped him!"
"A slap is the least he deserves."
Your eyes dart between the two, mouth still not prompted to retort, hand not urged to rub away the settling sting. Because a part of you can't even be bothered with outrage.
"Minji, what the fuck? He hasn't done anything-"
"Yet, Hanns. He hasn't done anything yet."
And when Minji turns back to you, looking ready, defiant, it's in the way that you know her that you fix her with a look she's seen before.
And just like how the both of you know full well you're vulnerable to each others' own special brand of poison, you're able to register that it gets to her. For a moment, you bring the past that she's spent years concealing into the spotlight. The music that faded into nothing returns, noisy and unfocused, like your brain's suddenly jumbling up with too many things at once. It's only the flicker in her gaze that informs you she hears your next words, soft as they are.
"You don't own everything under the sun. Or every part of my life."
And Minji's chest rises and falls, like she's loading the bullet, even if she doesn't know exactly how to fire it. Like even she can't deduce the reason she sprung to action.
"Stay away from my friends. If there's one thing I know, it's that you haven't a thing that wasn't taken from another. And I'm not letting the things I care about get picked apart by vultures."
And when she meets your gaze, like really meets it, not doing that thing where her eyes stare straight ahead but are translucent, ghosts of where they should be, you know how it'll be written in the history books. The look, the connection. The electricity, heat. The way the two of you look at each other with meanings more than two people who simply know each other ever should. Like a million words said in a single moment of time.
And when the music turns to deafening noise, when Hanni fades into the background because she's been torn away so she doesn't really matter, you'll remember this as another incident.
You want to kill her- you want nothing more than to understand.
You're used to it- you're not.
***
"So, uhâŠ," Minji starts, her feet just slightly off-step behind you, not perfectly synchronised.
Your head tilts to watch her, and for a moment your best friend looks different. A part of you knows there's logic. The both of you have to take the same way back, always. But another also recognises that she looked busier tonight, busy interacting with her friends, too busy to fall into step behind you so early into the night.
"What's up?"
"⊠Well- how'd you find Hanni?"
"Oh," you weren't expecting that, "She's great. Really nice. I wish I'd known earlier that she was one of your friends."
Minji nods in that way that makes it unclear if she's glad about that.
"Why'd you never tell me about her?"
Minji blinks, her response arriving a little late. "For one, I didn't think you'd ever run into her. And, for two, she's Danielle's friend. That's how I got to know her. Recently."
"And every time I think I know all there is to know about you," you start, turning back to the street ahead.
Behind you, Minji gives a smile that doesn't reach her eyes.
"Did she uh, give you her number?"
You laugh before the semantics properly register in your head. "I wish. We hit it off, but we didn't get that far."
There's a new instrument added to the evening soundtrack, the sound of Minji dragging her feet against the floor. Which she never does. You glance behind her, just a cursory check, and the way her eyes are trained on the floor gives you pause.
"Hey, you alright?"
Minji's eyes flutter, like she's doing that thing again where she flickers between what's real and what's just imagination.
"Ye- yeah. Of course. What is it?"
"Don't know. You just look like you had a bad time. Or just⊠not as good a time? Was your night bad?"
Minji shakes her head like she's shrugging off an accusation. "I had fun. Really. It was just⊠noisy. A little chaotic. Like you couldn't hear the sound of your own voice over the music when you tried to talk to someone, you know?"
"Like suddenly everything got deafening?"
"Yeah. Exactly like that."
Another couple beats of silence, where the two of you settle into that comfortable space of agreeing on the same sentiment. But then she cracks the peace again.
"You were drinking a lot."
A smile tugs at the corner of your lips. "I didn't know you were watching me so closely."
"I wasn't," comes the too-quick reply, "I just noticed, since you were practically attached to the drinks station."
"I always do that. And you know I can hold my liquor. Better than you ever can, at least."
"Yeah but-"
"But what? I drank the last of your favourite rum, or something?"
"I⊠it's- nevermind."
You pause in your tracks, and Minji comes to a sudden halt as well, eyes darting like she's got something to say. Or something to hide.
"You sure you're okay?" You raise an eyebrow at the girl behind you, looking strangely malleable in the black dress behind you. Like she'll bend and pool like amber if you just give her a nudge. Her silver, pearl earrings shine from a discordant ray of street light, and for a moment she really isn't there.
Till your eyes bring her back, that is.
Minji frowns like she doesn't understand her tune is all wrong.
"Why wouldn't I be? You're being weird."
"Me? You're the one that's completely off tonight. You sure you're feeling alright? You didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, did you?"
"⊠That's probably it. I don't know."
You cock your head. "Well, if that's the case, we better get back quick. You sound like you need rest."
"Yeah."
And Minji, ever flawless, you're fooled then into believing that she's really fine. That this isn't a turning page. That the perfect girl given everything would stay the way she's always been, pretty black dress, impervious and above. That her history book, every chapter you've seen written by hand, wouldn't catch alight in a library fire of parallel accidents. You believe that the two of you would never change- things would never be the same.
You don't even escape her when you're on a date.
First, you never had a chance. Minji's the person you know the best. You're pretty sure ever. There's a minute number of interactions that haven't been built off yours and hers. Second, life never gave you a chance to try otherwise. Your lives have been as linear as the flow of time.
And now that you've explained that, you can explain how Hanni asked for your number first, got it from Minji, and yes, you got the blessing of her best friend to bring her out to this mall for shopping and a meal.
"That's how she's always been. Clueless. Sometimes she hasn't the slightest on something everyone's long heard about. Like she's years late to the party."
"But she's so smart."
"Book-smart. Street-smart? Not so much."
"I guess that's fair," Hanni hums, sipping on her pink lemonade, amused. "And I guess that's where you come in."
"I think I signed a life pact to keep her alive till she found her betrothed when I was five. It might have been in blood, I can't recall."
Hanni giggles. With her gaze peeking through her lashes, she looks like she knows you better than you know yourself. Which seems like a weird thing for a first date.
That she's precognitive. Of the road.
"But enough about her. You should tell me more about yourself."
And Hanni gives you this playful squint, like, are you sure? But she tilts her head like she'll chance it once more.
"Well, what'd you like to know?"
"Anything. What's your life about? What should I know, or what do you want me to know about you? That's what we're supposed to do, right?"
Hanni tilts her head in the opposite direction, her softly framed bangs swaying prettily. "Well, I guess the most definite thing about me is that I'm chasing something."
You lean back in your seat. "That's⊠an arresting way to start."
Hanni laughs like she's self-conscious.
"But it's true. That's me. As of now, I'm less concerned about the permanence and more about the moments."
"Thrill-seeking."
"Happiness-seeking. I want the rush, the feelings, to fall hard- and fall without safety brakes."
"So it's about the vibe."
"That's one way to put it."
"And you're not looking to settle?"
Hanni tosses her gaze to outside the window, like she's about to leap into the world out there. "I'm too young to even consider settling. Things don't have to work out perfectly for the rest of time. I'm about creating those memories that stick for life. But that doesn't mean I'm aiming to be a fuckgirl, or whatever. I'm down to be there for the highs and lows. It's all about the experience for me."
"Fascinating," you say.
Hanni rolls her eyes playfully. "Don't science experiment me."
"It's not that," you shake your head quickly, "it's genuine."
And it's true, because having your entire timeline intertwined with another's, there's something honest about Hanni admitting that she might just be a moment.
"So you're risky."
"âŠYeah."
"So you're taking a gamble on me."
Hanni shrugs innocently. "What kind of love isn't a gamble? Look- you couldn't tell me that half the considerations of a relationship aren't all the ways it could end. It's irrelevant."
And it's then you realise you should be asking the important question. "So what's your opinion on me? Crash and burn worth the effort? Or too mundane?"
Hanni tilts her head like she's had the response prepped for a while now, and simply hasn't brought it up because she's wary of the repercussions. "I think you're nice, like a guy that knows how much he actually needs to care, but that you're also avoiding an answer that's been incredibly obvious."
This gives you pause. "An answer? To what?"
"To who you're really meant for."
And it probably simultaneously proves everything she's said right the way your instincts give you the answer before she has to say it explicitly, the way your whole mind rejects the notion like it couldn't possibly be true.
"Not Minji-"
And immediately Hanni looks at you like you said the only thing you shouldn't. "I mean, I don't even have to say it."
"I don't see her that way," you shoot down immediately, something uncomfortable settling at the pit of your stomach. Where is everyone getting this idea from?
Hanni shakes her head, again, like she knows you better than you know yourself. Like she sees more from the outside. "Hey, look at it this way. What's Minji's favourite colour?"
"Blue," you reply almost instantly, having dealt with this conversation before, "but that's something anyone could easily figure out."
"What's her favourite ice cream flavour?"
"New York Cheesecake. From Baskin Robbins. She prefers her ice cream in a sandwich."
The words spill from you like a memorised script, like planted questions meeting prepared answers. And Hanni grins like she can't believe how easy you're making it, and how you're still denying it all.
"This literally doesn't mean a thing," you start, but Hanni just powers on like your indignation doesn't matter.
"What do you think of doing during your free time? If you had a day off, what's the first toy or video game you're reaching for? Don't think, just spit it out."
And the reply that comes out, like generative AI, it ends up doing exactly that. Making you think. Pausing the reply right before it bursts from between your pursed lips.
"Lego⊠which I guess came from her."
"So do you get it? What I mean. The two of you, being conjoined twins?"
"I've known her forever. Knowing her little details was an inevitability. But we're best friends."
"That's what you think."
"That's the truth."
Hanni shakes her head like she's assessing the gall of you to lie to her. "I dare you to say that again. In full seriousness."
You don't. So Hanni chooses to explain it all to you like you don't know any better.
"You've lived both your lives completely revolved around one another. No one knows her better than you, and vice versa. Which means she's already built into your every little habit. Just now, when I asked you for a recommendation for a drink, you offered me the one that Minji's reviewed and approved of. And you didn't even realise you were doing it. It's already too natural for you, and I don't blame you, but I'm telling you now that it's incredibly obvious to literally anyone a meter away. The two of you live in a timeline so intricately twisted it's impossible to unravel. I may not have known her for as long as you, but I'm a good enough friend to know her enough."
"I don't-"
"It's not about the way you think you see her. And I don't even blame you because it wouldn't even occur to you that anything was amiss. But no one's going to be able to invade the space she's already taken, or replace the person she already is. When we met last night, you completely switched up when Minji appeared. Like you had to be careful about how you were around her, and not me."
Hanni laughs at how ridiculous all of it actually is, the straw of her iced drink spinning in a hypnotic twirl. "It makes other envious, you know."
"I don't think that's enough to prove that we wouldn't work."
Hanni shakes her head instantly because you've got her intentions all wrong. "It's not just that. We'd be fun, sure, and I'd enjoy however long we'd last, but it's more than that. I might be chasing experiences, but I don't think you're the same. And sure, maybe you're just looking for fun, but at some point she'll get in the way. Comparisons, adjustments, it doesn't matter- the question is whether you're able to grow away from her in any capacity, and as of now I'm sincerely doubting that."
You're not sure if anyone's ever had the guts to put it to you this honestly. "The thing is, I don't think you even realise what's there. The way you run but only with her leading, the way you're her snail shell, knowing what she needs before she herself even gets it. I've heard about it, I've seen it. The only reason you're staying away is because you believe she deserves something even better still."
The reality of being honest to yourself is realising that you're not sure when your gaze changed. When you began to hold her eyes, longer than you used to, longer than you should. Long enough to feel the winds of change.
"Are you certain?" Your voice is a murmur, uncertain. Because admitting it is scary.
Hanni smiles like it'll all be okay, even if it's not. Like the both of you don't need to care about just how much heat close-quarters friction is creating.
Like the answers don't change.
And that's when Hanni grasps you, by the hands, clasping them in a way that, from afar, looks like romantic admittance. When the reality is that it's her letting you go. "In another world, I'd hold onto you tighter. In a way I feel like Minji's taught you well, and we'd maybe be perfectly compatible. But I feel like you have to ask yourself, why are you pretending like the need for choice? When the answer seems to be already there?"
And with Minji, it kind of goes like this. It's not definite. Not concrete. Not yet. It's just every little moment, in retrospect. That's what people think makes it obvious.
-
"Well I can tell you right now this is definitely the most boring 13th birthday you could possibly be having."
"Yeah, I mean, it's definitely the most low-key one we've had," you murmur, pausing for a moment to stretch on your bedroom floor, "but that's the point."
Beside you, Minji, eyes closed, close enough to hear each breath she takes in, like every second of youth trickling away from her doesn't matter in the slightest.
"Being a lazy bum for your birthday is a new one," Minji mutters, and you reply with this half-snort, like you gave up on your bodily reaction halfway because you were starting to get sleepy.
You remember it as a chill day. The day before your actual birthday, with the unavoidable celebrations from both families, but the two of you rewrote the rules of celebration the day before, just to understand what it'd feel like- the two of you existing without what everything else said the two of you were. And at a time where neither of you figured out what you were carving into the sandstone walls of your history, what the place in the world for either of you really meant. And a part of you wonders why that time, when things were simpler, stupider, it all feels so much more philosophical now.
"It feels simpler this way. Maybe not nicer, but quieter. Like the day actually has time to breathe, to let you really sink in and feel the year go by."
Minji remains motionless beside you, but you know she heard your remark. Her face is in that kind of tranquil state your older self would envy. Your hand ends up propped against the nook of your elbow, watching her gentle form with subtle anticipation and slight, childlike wonder. "What's going on in that head of yours?"
Back when you didn't have the inside of her head mapped out geographically. Her eyes slide open slowly. "Hmm?"
"Wha are you thinking about? You look⊠busy."
"Just⊠thinking. About stuff."
"Good stuff or bad stuff?"
"I don't know. It's just⊠stuff."
"What stuff?"
You're not subtle about it, and there isn't a need to.
"Just⊠birthdays."
"Huh?"
"You know, our birthdays. Like this one."
"Are you reviewing?" You laugh, then tease, "you're so cool for that."
The corner of Minji's lifts, just a little, but it's soon replaced by that look that's way above her age.
"I'm just thinking about how I feel." A wiser you might not have made your noise of confusion, would have just let her continue.
"I just feel⊠happy. Every year, it's all so fun, perfect, whatever's planned, I don't ask for more."
"But you're saying that like it's a bad thing," you say, and again, you're not sure, looking back at this now, stating the obvious helps here.
"It isn't," Minji frowns, like she herself doesn't know what she's talking about, "but something about it feels⊠wrong. Or maybe not wrong- just off. I don't know. It feels like it shouldn't be this way."
"You're thinking too much on your birthday," you stick your tongue out, irked by another one of these smart Minji moments.
Stretch marks.
"Boys," Minji sighs, and you know even with her eyes closed, she's rolling them. "Not a single one of them has a brain."
"That's sexist."
"After talking to boys like I have, it's not sexist anymore. It's fact."
Your mouth pops open in understanding. "Ah, so that's what's up today. Let me guess. It's-"
"Daeul," the both of you echo at the same time.
"Your number one supporter," you're cheeky about it.
"My worst nightmare," Minji affirms.
"He's dense. And really into you."
"He's annoying. Today he said he found my eyes mesmerising. Why don't they just give up?"
"Boys will be boys," you chortle, taking a moment to stretch as you do so. Minji groans like she's already done with it all. "That's what, the fourth attempt in three months?"
You throw her a smile meant to distract, or reassure her. "Come on. Not all of them will be like that."
Minji's eyes flutter open for a moment, but you're already pressing on with something important to say. "You've got to keep your eyes open. There'll be a boy that's gonna change Kim Minji's flawless thinking."
She scrunches her nose. "Not happening."
"It will. You're telling me you haven't met a boy you've liked, ever, in the whole thirteen years you've been on planet earth."
"I don't see them that way."
"And what way is that?"
"I don't know, in the way all the other girls are starting to describe? Like really liking a boy. Getting nervous around them because they make you feel something weird. I don't get that with any boy. And I guess that's why I only really have you, talk to you. Because you're different. And I like it better that way."
You turn your eyes back to the ceiling, a humorous giggle hanging on the edge of your lips, and you have no idea where it originated from.
"I wonder what Kim Minji's boyfriend will look like."
"Maybe like a girl," Minji replies, and you snap your head towards her direction.
"You did not just say that."
Minji snorts, like why would that not be a joke? And when the two of you sit in that comfortable silence again, for a moment you do wonder, just who exactly will be Minji's one?
"Birthdays and boys," Minji murmurs, like there needed to be a concluding statement for your little discussion.
"That's one way to remember your thirteenth."
"You're telling me," Minji smiles wryly.
"You sound sad about that. And I get it, you know. We're teens now."
"Yeah⊠that. We're getting older," Minji agrees, but then finds a way to suddenly look hopeful, "But, you know, there will be so many more birthdays with you."
"I swear they'll never end," you shake your head, "just you and me, celebrating together when we're sixty and creaky."
***
Knowing everything about how to not intrude in Kim Minji's life goes a little like this.
First, don't talk to her on the way to school. Don't even enter her field of vision. Especially when she has her AirPods on. That's her quiet moment. Second, when you are in school, there are a few additional rules you abide by. One, don't speak to her in the middle of lectures. Not even if there's a damned fire in the building. She'll let the world burn before she lets her grades get threatened. Next, don't make eye contact. Don't pretend to know her. Any news of you is bad news, and every moment your eyes meet, it's a challenge, so her name is taboo, and any interconnecting acquaintances should know better.
Don't help her when she falls. If there's a family function, you smile and nod, do that stupid thing- don't speak unless spoken to.
Whatever doesn't take that solitary life away from her.
If someone's looking for her, you direct. And more than a couple times it ends up sounding like code. "Two pm. She has a thirty minute break between lessons. She won't be in class. By the garden next to the lecture theatre, or by the third floor corridor overlooking the field. Don't bring her a drink, don't cut her train of thought. Call her by her name, but not too loudly. And speak to the point."
And lose that part about you being a directory.
Which makes it all the more difficult when Hanni manages to sneak under the watchful eyes of Minji, approach you in the real world to ask, why does she hate you? And when you tell her immediately, not the answer, but the reality that speaking to her face-to-face means risking getting flayed, even after a whole day you're not sure what exactly you're supposed to do with your illuminated phones screen and an unexpected number.
Isn't the answer that she just does? That she always has? Does it add anything to explain instead of accepting what simply is? Hanni said, just mentioning her name, and suddenly you're pale as a ghost. And the truth is of course it's impossible to explain, and at this point obsession and avoidance mean the same, just like simplifying and complicating, caring- ignoring.
And the part of you that still wonders, still clings onto the hope that things will change, that one day, inevitably, you will lead a life away from Kim Minji. And can you be sure that that's when you'll finally understand and be happy?
***
Knowing everything about how to mean everything to Kim Minji's life goes a little like this.
It's the lack of words. The synergy. The fact that in the breaks, when the two of you are together, you have candy, you have snacks, you're passing over food on your tray that's her favourite and taking away those she dislikes. The way you're able to cross names out of the list of people that could be with her.
First, keeping in tune with her hobbies, her likes. Her colours, her toys, what she decorates her space with. It's reaching out for the items on the shelf without really thinking, gifting them over like it's owed. Second, it's agreeing with her on activities and free time because spending that time with her is the only real thing that matters, and you haven't figured out a hobby more entertaining than that. It's gradually accepting that you do like her, that her features and mannerisms no longer steal smiles but also give you giddiness. The questions of whether you can see straight, whether it's clear, they don't matter.
It's seeing the same person you've seen over and over again, and realising you want something different, realising that she might be the only person that cares in her way, that she's kept every damned birthday letter you've sent since you learnt how to write. It's watching her lips and staring longer than you used to, reverting back to another one of those that just watch her like they don't know any better. It's disorienting how slow it is. How long it took you. She looks down to the floor and lets out a low giggle at your jokes, and you're not sure you're able to just let that go. You wonder if she's caught on to the signs.
And so the first time you kiss Minji, it's almost spontaneous. A bubbling cauldron of sorts, and Minji would tell you everything about that moment was perfect. It happens at prom, and again, there's a million details, who your dates are, what led up to it, the night, the boring drinks. How Hanni's there for a singular moment to give you a cheery wink.
All you really need to remember is this. Minji's killing it, again, with the perfect planning, watching everything run beneath her fingers, smiling like she's done her job well. And her, hair in a bun, gentle makeup softening everything about her, dress so white and nice it gets to your head. It's oriental, or something, the way she looks with her hair all in ropes and braids, the way her eyes move slower than the world around her. And somehow you've never even gotten a hint about it. She distorts it, the desperate way you're tugging her arm, the way she's tugged yours before, and you wonder if it's tight enough to hurt, the speed at which you're moving and the clatter of her unsteady heels against the floor.
But she doesn't complain, doesn't say much, not when you're pulling her along into an empty classroom, like she's already there and waiting. "You're hectic," Minji says, her voice soft in the lightless space, and a part of you wants to answer, can you blame me?
"I⊠yeah. Yeah, I guess I am."
"What's wrong with your night?"
"Nothing," you shake your head, pacing a couple steps while Minji rests her hips against an empty desk, watching you, "it's been amazing. You've prepped so hard for this, and it shows. Everything's so pretty."
Minji's eyes flutter for a moment. "Thanks."
"You look great too, by the way," you add, almost panicked. It's something that would usually make Minji smile, but this time she just tilts her head, holding her breath.
You pause in front of her. "What?"
"Nothing. You just seem⊠out of time."
You still. There isn't a need to play chess with her. "I guess I am."
"Well," Minji dips her head, "I'm waiting. For whatever you're going to tell me."
Your breath stutters, and it's like Minji knows that it's gonna seep into your fingers, because in the next moment she has you by the wrists, and your body freezes. "Take your time."
You blink. Breathe. Exhale.
And then Minji brings your wrists up, and by the time she's done, you realise you've never really grasped her features like this, fingers behind her ear, palm on her cheek.
"Better?" She breathes, the distance between you two nada.
And it's when you see past her voidless eyes that you know. "You knew."
"I'm scared," Minji corrects, "scared that I'm wrong."
"How long?"
Minji closes her eyes, reflexively leaning into your touch. "Does that matter? I can't tell you. Only the moments. You cancelling our hangout for the first time. Hanni telling me the two of you aren't happening. The way you avoided me the past week."
"I'm scared too," you say.
"Of what?"
"Same as you. Being wrong. Of how long it's been. Of not being right. Like I'm abandoning my post as a guardian for something selfish."
Minji stiffens, her eyes opening like she sees past you, can hold you and more with her hollow gaze.
"Then you're thinking too much, like I am. Length, duration, it shouldn't matter. Not to the two of us. So stop thinking."
And your fingers may be on her lips, but her words pull you to her.
And the first time you fuck Minji, well, it's something completely different. It's not preplanned but executed messily, it's not the two of you writing with stardust.
The only thing in common is the empty classroom.
It starts off soft, quiet, just a quiet hum of you, for once, steering the two of you forward. Doing life, planning the next steps of your shared futures, while Minji, exhausted from another long but last remaining day of being President Minji, tries her best not to doze off on your shoulder.
It's a cute thing, or whatever, knowing that she drools when her head is rested comfortably and that's probably when you're gonna have to wake her up. It's cute, definitely, the way you have her hand squeezed tight like the two of you can keep yourselves a secret.
The sun's beginning to dip, the classroom turning amber, and when Minji hums in slight discomfort as a ray of light shines against her eyes, for a moment you ponder if you're too lucky.
Was it natural? Yes. A progression. Just whatever was before, and added on a little deeper.
"Your head's gonna hit the table at this rate, Minji."
Minji blinks a couple times, rapidly, floating back down to earth. "Sorry! Just⊠tired."
She punctuates it with a yawn, and you smirk. "I can think of one way to wake you up."
You push past Minji's confused expression in the next instant, planting a quick but firm kiss to her lips.
Yeah, the two of you have started doing that a lot.
She tenses under your grip, loosens only when you pull away. Then Minji shuts her eyes like she's still fighting the vestiges of sleep.
"I can't lie, that just made me sleepier."
A shared giggle bubbles from your throats.
"I'm good," Minji says finally, pivoting the chin she has on your shoulder to look down at your notes. "How's it going?"
"Alright. Crossing out some of your options, based on what you do and don't like."
"Crossing out my options? Or yours?"
"Don't think there's much of a difference, is there?"
Minji puffs up a cheek. "Guess you're right."
Her eyes fall to the sundown outside. "Last day here."
"You sound sad," you say matter-of-factly, letting your pen rest on the table.
"I am, a little. This is it. Another chapter done. Wondering if I missed anything on my bucket list."
"There'll be time to finish it," you assure, and Minji meets your gaze with narrowed eyes.
"What?"
"And did you manage to finish your own bucket list?"
"Mostly," you saw, emboldened. "Pulled through with my studies, evolved my lifelong best friend into my girlfriend-"
"Evolved?" Minji interrupts, like she's processing your diction.
You shrug. "So, mostly."
"What are you missing?" Minji asks curiously, playing right into your sneaky hands.
One of which lands across her thigh, thumb peeking underneath the hem of her skirt.
And the speed at which Minji reddens makes you laugh.
"Are you crazy?" Minji exclaims, even though this definitely isn't the first time you're making this joke here.
It's not really a joke, though.
"You did ask."
"That's on your list? Plapp- making love?"
"With you. That's the important part."
"You're crazy!"
"I might be."
"In school?"
"Better than under your mom's nose."
Minji opens her mouth for a prepared retort, then pauses. "Why are you right about that."
"I'm a smartass, right," you jest further, the add, on a more serious note, "you don't detest the idea, right?"
You see Minji's jaw move like she's trying to make her peach cheeks vanish. "No. Perfectly honest- of course, eventually."
"Okay. As long as you're not uncomfortable."
Minji shakes her head. "Just wish I got more of a head's up."
"Relax, Minji. I'm just messing around," you turn it into the truth, "besides, this is already our last day. It's not gonna happen."
And like you said, you make the fabricated lie the truth, because biologically there's an answer, but you have to be ethical. Regardless of how your image of Minji has changed, how you see her as the woman everyone else is saying she is. The pretty one.
But Minji's suddenly stern expression gives you pause. She looks stony, which typically means she's either debating or arguing with someone.
"What's up?" You raise an eyebrow.
"Do you actually want to do it?"
You still. And then your heart beats out of rhythm. "Sorry?"
Minji flushes again, like she's trying to match you. "I'm being serious."
"Now?"
"It's the last day," Minji states objectively.
"We've never- aren't you tired?"
"Well, then maybe you could take the lead?"
Ah hell. You swear you intended it as a joke.
"You're serious?"
"I said that already."
The two of you hold each other's meek gazes for a few seconds more, then the both of you jump to your feet.
You slap your notebook shut. "This might be the nastiest thing President Minji has ever done."
Minji hugs her arms to her body like she's already been caught. "This is the nastiest thing I'll ever do. At least lock the doors, will you?"
You step towards the classroom door, static shock in every step. It was a joke, right? But when you turn the knobs, peep out the windows for a security check, turning back to her and you feel something weighing you back.
Because it's important. And when you see her, seated on your desk, legs kicking the air expectantly, her brown uniform and neat black skirt take on a different meaning. A useless one, maybe, when they pool on the floor.
"So uh, how do you want to do this?"
"You're asking me like I'm not equally as nervous as you about this," you reply.
"You asked for this!"
"It was a joke!"
"Uh huh, sure," Minji doesn't believe you at all. Her eyes dart over your form, your lips. "So⊠kissing? That's how they always start, right?"
You shift your feet, slowly edging closer. "Uh, yeah."
Maybe Minji's braver than you, reaching for your hands when you're within range, placing them in that comforting position she's gotten used to. It's not like the two of you haven't done something similar before.
"Remember," Minji murmurs in the space only the two of you occupy, hands warm on your wrists. "I'm doing this because I love you, okay? For mattering the most to me for so long. So let's not be scared."
"I love you too," you say.
And though your lips slot in the same way they always have, the way the two of you have done, countless times after the leap, it's still the same, breathtaking feeling, soft against soft.
And this time it's also so different. Because even with hands on each other's faces it's not enough to protect from the heat, the realisation that it's something more.
The way your lips leave a lasting smack against hers as they pull away for the first time, the intention in every moment clear.
Her coat comes off first, the easiest piece to remove. You listen to her breathing, steadily getting heavier, before you take her by the lips again, sending her slightly off-balance.
It's not the first time the two of you have made out. It's just the first time there won't be any clothes in the way.
You take your time, making the joke real, the joke that you love Minji, Minji is your girlfriend, and your dad will definitely be proud of you after this.
"The last time I've seen your skin like this, I think that was sports day," you say, as you gently unbutton her top like you're playing dress up and not dress down.
"Like this how?"
"Flushed, warm. Hot."
Minji bites her lower lip, overshirt falling past her shoulders to reveal navy on her skin. "You're an idiot."
"Heard that one before. Too many times."
"Then maybe I'll just stop talking," Minji replies, giving you a sharp shove back and pushing herself off the table all in the same turn, sinking to her knees.
"Oh."
Minji paws at your trousers, handling them with a skill that suggests to you that she might have rehearsed this in her head before.
"My god, you really don't have to do this." Just the sight of her sunken down and submitting with her doe eyes is already too much.
"Stop acting too nice. It's disingenuous," Minji hisses.
You chuckle at that.
"Besides, giving a blowjob would likely be on my bucket list."
"Really?" you perk an eyebrow, breath hitching when Minji tugs your boxers down to your ankles in one smooth motion.
"Yeah." Her eyes blink towards yours, hand gently holding your stiffness, grip getting stronger. Like she's accustoming.
"I really thought this would be impossible."
"Inevitable would have been a better choice."
"Inevitable?"
"Inevitably falling in love with me," Minji answers, before pressing her lips to the side of your shaft for the first time.
You shudder. Minji has her moments of conviction, her promises, her diligent promises, working into how she works your cock, lips and kisses, then mouth and slick.
It's her humming wetly as she bobs, a Kim Minji you're really seeing for the first time. And it feels right. Or inevitable, like she said. That your heart only ever belonged to one. And fate and time only ever allowed one direction.
She works you like she has a method. You will admit, it's hard to remember everything, because half the time your eyes are closed, and the other half is all about steadying your breathing.
You remember her fingers though, tracing, pressing gently, hips, balls, lower abs. It's like she's forgotten herself.
And when you force her off, dragging her inexperienced form up to your inexperienced arms and peeling indigo from her skin, it speaks to her the way she's not afraid to turn her back to you and be bare.
"I didn't think I'd ever see you like this."
"Neither did I. But we both need to stop thinking anyway."
You move in position behind her, till you're hot against her heat, and it's a flickering moment where she tells you once again all she needs to in three words, and you echo it obediently.
"I'll be gentle."
"Thank you."
And that's pushing in, slipping into a heat you won't forget, this timeline of the next. That's the most inevitable part of it all. That the filthiest moments is yours.
Your grip on her hip tightens, and just as she loosens, gives it up to you, you thrust, spilling moans like a river from her lips.
And you like her husk. The lower tones, the way she leaks cusses like she doesn't know how to say them, the way the both of you are unsteady against the table.
Clinging on by the rocking of your hips.
"You feelâŠ"
Minji shakes her head like she can clear the heated fog in her mind. "My god, you feelâŠ"
"You feel better," you reply between a grunt.
Did the two of you prepare for this? No. Something already laid the foundations, and the both of you are just gaining the confidence to walk it.
You press into her roughly at times. Not just being a nice guy, but being honest. And you know she gets that. That belonging isn't just light pecks.
You push her into various positions. From the table, the two of you go to the floor, to the chair. In between, you get the impossible softness of her tummy, pressing into the rough area you know you're lodged in to make her feel it more. She calls you big, calls you everything, calls you the cock that will break her, but she's probably already misled.
Her chest spills greedily between your fingers, and sweat sheens her body and falls to yours.
There aren't any interruptions. Just the moment between you and her, the consummation. Just her hollow, sucking you in so you can occupy her.
Till she's one leg on the side of your chair, stabilising herself, riding you with reckless abandon, brow furrowed with the struggle of pleasure.
Till she tightens impossibly around you, once, then twice. Till you need to carry her in your arms.
The sun dips, slowly giving in to night, and it's about then when time starts to disturb again.
The two of you fall into this complex cradle on the floor, you firing absentmindedly into her warmth, and with the two of you exhausted and barely awake, the next few words become indistinguishable.
"You're everything to me."
***
You're free. You're out. You're away from Kim Minji, way from her in your life. No more torturous bullshit. That's graduating, baby.
You let yourself believe that for half a moment before you snap back to reality.
Because you've played these little games with fate and time before, till instead of calling bullshit on them you bullshit your way to the right answer.
And it's a horrible validation to know that you're right. To stand there, in your well pressed suit and leather bag full of first day hopefuls, and run right into goddamn Kim Minji, dress shirt and knee-length skirt, white on black, looking like she managed to promote from the student council board right into the teacher's committee.
No, you didn't know where she was applying to. No, you didn't know what she wanted to do for her career. Because you didn't need to.
The two of you end up in the same company anyway.
And the two of you have copied, simultaneous reactions. Like clones in perfect sync it's hard to discern who's the original copy. The two of you just look deadbeat tired.
The two of you could go into that lengthy argument, the why are you here? Why again? Why always? But the new hires get squashed together, so you do your best not to tread on her toes. You match her caliber, and she tries to accept your stance. Because at this point it's needlessly draining.
You don't need to figure out who and why. You don't need a moment to process how incredibly bad it all is ("Wow, how fortuitous is that? Again?" Your mom exclaims when you spill it to her).
You get a comical text from Hanni, who you're still in contact with for some reason, telling you that she's heard about your predicament from Minji, and that she wishes the both of you utter chaos at the workplace.
You'd snort if it was funny.
But since it's now routine, the assignments just get heavier, and nothing else really changes. You do your parts, get the paperwork out, leave it on her desk during one of her meticulously scheduled work breaks (yeah, you've got her schedule down in about a week. This girl is one-note, you swear), and try to make it look like the accidental Mars Bars pinning the papers down are⊠well, accidental.
But the two of you would need to hack through the ropes, collaboratively, to prevent the rubs and scarring.
Praised? Together. Criticised? Together. Blaming's a thing that's played out in both your heads, because saying it and you may as well not.
And you know you don't really care in the times where you get a leg up, when your concision earns a reward. But you know it gets to her meticulous nature. And you hurt yourself by avoiding it.
She's a problem- she's a headache.
She's always there- she doesn't need to be.
She's fate- she's time catching up to you.
And you'll see her forever.
***
"The deal went through. I got it."
Minji's coffee freezes in her hand before it reaches her lips, a ghostly tremble echoing through her form, leaned up against your office.
"You- you said he asked for higher."
"He backtracked. Guess he was desperate. And that means we got it. A place."
Minji looks like she doesn't know whether to fall for the floor or jump for joy. Because that means another next step, higher up, to that dizzying, hypothermic height.
"SoâŠ"
"So are you ready to move in? With me?"
Minji laughs like it's dangerous. "I can't believe it. It finally happened. No more late night calls. No more saying goodbye at the office doors, with all the others staring."
"And no more motels," you whisper, soft enough for you to look bashful yet still loud enough for Minji to hear and roll her eyes.
"I'm packing my things tonight."
"I shall be waiting to receive. But I do need to get the keys, so don't be too gung-ho, alright?"
"Just let me know when."
What comes next is an unconcealable grin you carry throughout the day, because it feels fated and right. If Minji is your North Star, she's a star that's not ever going out. Your whole life was built to watch her. You mapped her body into your brain, etched her heart into yours. There's no stone unturned in the mindscape, island of her. The only thing missing, the only thing left, is the hallowed ring.
The only footnote is Seungwoo, an older colleague, one you've really known as the guy who got a second chance and bet with everything he had on it.
"Remember, sometimes taking the next step upwards can be a wrong decision."
You glance to your right, unsure if he's really talking to you in the middle of the meeting. But his flat eyes confirm it.
"Sorry?"
"Don't go too far up. It's a dream for a reason. The sky. But don't get greedy."
It's not financial advice he's giving you. That much is clear. It's not about a corporate ladder either. It's not about anything, really.
Because spotting fissures before the crack lines form requires magic.
And you're, in contextual terms, a squib.
Then again-
The house turns so quickly into a well-blended milkshake it's a masterclass in planning and lying and lying without planning to.
Blue, blue blue. Soft toys, plates and Tupperware, then your gaming monitor, your gadgets, 'man gear', your face in the pictures she's taking, the sheets you crumple up every night.
First day? Cleaning and desecration and cleaning. Hot and heat on every surface, your hands full of her ass or breasts at any moment, her bouncing like a fiend above you. Everything getting wiped down twice, just to make sure it's clean, right?
The best sleep of your life, because finally you have her warmth in your arms, because cuddling and handholding and waking up with her thighs around your head. It's like the two of you slip into the fields of elysium, the bed which the both of you have made to lie down in flat, hands crossed over your heart.
Years in seconds and time passes in moments. Promotions, dates and anniversaries, parents proud and all, and then every night, peace and contentment.
In dreams, there's a peaceful boat atop a peaceful sea. A canoe, in the ocean, and the little man, you, within it. A bright, starry night, and you're alone, watching the waves pass by in tranquil motion.
You press your knees to your chest, reach over the edge to glance a hand across the cool water. You're somehow at home, with the sea and the stars, resting without needing sleep. Contentment.
But when the horizon changes, and the first time you notice it, at first you don't really think much of it. Granted, it could just be your flame coming to meet you, but the consistent ebb of intensity gives you pause.
A squint and you see the pretty bubbles. Like an illusion. The froth.
There's no sugarcoating it. You get closer, and it becomes clearer. Rapids. Intense, a thrill ride, but the horizon tapers off, and horizons shouldn't be getting closer.
You recall that you have no oars, no paddle, no lifejacket. And there's no fighting the current, like a stream heading one direction and you the salmon jumping towards the other.
You head directly for the watery cliff.
Suddenly the water is icy. The movements choppy and erratic. The boat is a distressed horse, rearing back, creaking indignantly. You're alone. And you feel complacent.
Blue water turns white. The stars vanish, and suddenly the boat's leaking, smashing against invisible rocks, throwing you askew.
You throw your self out, flying overboard, and wake up in a puddle of your own sweat, in the bed you made, with a shuddering gasp.
Minji stirs immediately, distressed, her body shooting up.
"Hey! Oh my god, what happened?"
You steady your breathing, hands suspended by your side like you're still holding onto the edges of your little boat.
"Nightmare," you manage, wondering why it was all so vivid.
"You scared the life out of me. Jumping up and shouting, that was terrifying!"
"Sorry love, sorryâŠ" you turn to her, trying to apologise, but she reads the distress in your eyes.
It's hard to make out her irises in the dark. But her arm lands across your shoulder, tugging you close, and for a moment all is well.
"Must have been terrifying. I'm sorry for whatever it was. But you're not alone, okay? Remember. I'm by your side."
Sometimes Minji's decisive. Confident. Saying things that must be true.
And when the two of you slip into that illness called contentment, that mundane, peaceful life where everything's figured out, everything's perfect. When you get your happy ending, because she's pulling you out of the water every time-
It's dark.
***
"Just give him a break once, Minji."
Minji closes her eyes, wondering if her thinking- is this the fiftieth time? -is hotter or cooler a guess.
"Not this again."
"You're strangling him, girl."
"He's constricting me."
Dani shakes her head, somehow in sync with the swirl of her wine glass.
"You'd get by easier if you weren't so fixated."
"He's hasn't deserved a modicum of my kindness."
"But at least he's trying! Come on, the Mars Bars? He's as tired of this as you are."
"Bribes," Minji states immediately, "I know how he operates."
"Your knowledge is based entirely on the profile you built of him twenty years ago!"
"It's built on every moment of those twenty years and more! You're saying I don't know him? When I've had every waking moment of my life shared with his?"
Dani struggles with the next words.
Hanni sets her drink down, slightly upcurved lip still a very present habit.
"You're giving up everything just to make sure it stays true."
"What?"
"To make sure you're right. Still."
Dani eyes Hanni warily, like she herself isn't convinced Minji is ready for this conversation.
"You're speaking in riddles."
"You're marginalising. Keeping him within the lines. And twisting anything he does."
"So I'm lying," Minji snipes immediately.
"You're lacking. In information. In clarity. You're not admitting it, and he doesn't even know why you hate him. Face it. He doesn't understand how he's pissing you off, and you're still expecting him to abide by rules he doesn't know you out in place?"
"He knows perfectly well what ticks me off."
"And you've never ever spoken to him to tell him exactly what those boundaries are because all you've been doing recently is avoiding and assuming."
"That's what you think."
"That's what stupid Mars Bars on your paperwork means, dumbass. You're reciting this story of his robbery for the sixty-seventh time. Or something like that."
"Wow. So the two of you are siding with him."
"I'm siding with whatever gets this decades old nonsense over and done with. Talk to him. Properly, for once, like adults; not the dolts the two of you were on the playground."
"No."
"Then live with it being unresolved."
***
"Mom's asking for a trip to Maldives this July. Ten days. She found the offer online."
You click your tongue, head still hung up on possible profits and potential calculations.
"We don't get handed leave like candy, Minji. And you know I have a project submission near that date. You know my team will collapse if I suddenly depart at such a critical juncture."
"I know that," Minji says quickly, almost angrily, "but you know how mom is. She's all about us and the great life we're living."
"The hard-earned life we're living. Come on, Minji. You know you need to convince her that we're unavailable."
"We've got to give in sometimes," Minji replies, crossing her arms. You glance up at her, her translucent eyes. You sigh.
"Minji, babe, these numbers are killing me. You know the killer migraine I get. Can we do this later, please?"
Minji bites her lower lip, a new habit of hers. "Fine. Is tonight still on, by the way?"
You close your eyes again, huffing and feeling your heart sink at the same time. Shit. You forgot.
"No. Fuck, Minji, I forgot. I agreed to an online meeting with Seolhyun. I'm sorry, fuck-"
Minji's form seems to flicker, like her legs wobbled. "I- I get it."
Your hands dig into your scalp, one with hair you swear is already whitening.
"I'm sorry, Minji, really. It's killing me too, right now."
"I know. It's killing all the time you have, just to keep up. You haven't even touched me the same since this new project's popped up."
You perk your head up. "Sorry?"
"It's true. You've been babysitting that monitor so hard you've reduced everything else, me, to a footnote."
"Is this about sex?" You ask, incredulous.
"No!" Minji snaps, "it's about you forgetting to be greedy! Why the hell are you living by the rules of work now?"
"Because that work's an assured path to happiness? There's no way you're blaming me for working hard right now."
"I am! I'm blaming you for dropping the ball on powering us forward especially when you know, perfectly well, that you live life's directions bounded next to me. We do everything together."
"And is this not pushing us forward, together?"
"This is roundabouting an excuse for you to push for a challenge of your own undertaking."
"You're calling me selfish?" you exclaim. You know she's mad, but why is she riling you up too?
"I'm saying this is a poor choice."
"Just because I haven't been fucking you?"
"Because things escalate!" Minji's eyes turn solid for once, like obsidian shields. It's an unsettling sight. "Because you're ascending in steps, and you don't see it! I'm losing the man I loved spending every moment with to some⊠corporate greed!"
"Not everything is perfect at every moment, Minji."
You sigh, rubbing your temple, equations and economics already forgotten, which is an added headache for you later. "Sometimes we get tested, and sometimes things are bad. But you're still the person I care about the most. The past is all there, unchangeable. It's just a difficult blip. That's all."
"A blip that's lasted long enough I've already forgotten what being treated perfectly feels like," Minji states, and it stings.
Love and it's fractals. And the sharp shards.
And maybe the two of you have never needed to address a conflict, because that's knowing better. So maybe that's why this is double a challenge now, because it's bridging. It's inevitably similar, and similarly inevitable. A mess.
It boils over May seventh. And you already know it's bad, because the both of you are working overtime. On that day of all days.
And you've seen this Minji before, because you've seen just about every damn Minji before. The stressed by work, hunched over Kim Minji, punching into her keyboard with three fingers on each hand. It's like she's five again, stressing over an exam without really knowing why it matters, or how much it does. And you finish first. And you feel bad. Because you relate to it.
So you try.
"Minji," you call, and when she turns, facial muscles too tired to even manage a frown, still biting her lip anxiously, you stutter for a moment. She looks weak.
"I'm done for the day. The trash is cleared, and I returned the excess keys. Just⊠remember to lock up this room and you're done."
Minji moves her lips slowly, jaw moving in slow motion as her mouth forces a tepid line. And even still you say it.
"Happy birthday."
And it gets to her. Gets to her in the way every year has, the way every emotion she's bottled up against you for life flashes all at once, the way she forgets anything about whatever she's working on, even as you turn back to leave.
"Stop that."
You pause. Mistake?
"Stop doing that thing where you act like you're not to blame. That surface level thing."
You still. Do either of you have the energy to do this, again? "Minji?"
"Your stupid Mars Bars bribes. Your little favours. You think I don't see you trying to clear your record, but I do. And it's unbearably annoying. So stop it."
You sigh. This is a loop. And it's still as ever, aggravating. "I don't want or need to hear this."
"Because you know how easy it is for me to peel back your scab of lies."
"No, because I don't want to give a damn about your perpetual beef with me on a day like this. And I'd like to give you the freedom to walk away with your head empty for once!"
"You haven't given me anything!" Minji's fingers curl into the keyboard, scratching across the keys like coils in a spring tensing up. "When have you given? All you've done is take."
"Take? Take like I've taken your abuse, your anger and hate, every single moment of your inexplicable antagonism?"
"Inexplicable-"
"Is that not what it is? Why, Minji? Aren't you just as sick and tired of this as I am? Why are we still keeping up this⊠charade, this mutual poisoning, this ramming into each other's guts till we're spitting our crimson blood? Why?"
"Because you're robbed every single moment of my life by inserting yourself in it! Every instant, every damned time and moment, you're in it! That's us, right? Growing up together? I can't fucking get away from you, and I don't have a definition that doesn't stem from your broad brushstrokes! Have you ever given me a moment in time that's properly mine?"
"So you're just being selfish?"
"Selfish? When I'm the one being robbed?"
"Robbed by something you can't control? Something that's out of both our hands? Is it fucked up, yes, but you're pinning the blame on me? When, in the same vein, I've had every solitary moment robbed away by you as well?"
Minji stills.
"Every moment you think I've robbed from you, you've also robbed from me. Every second you wish you had, I never had either. And is that my fault? Every single thing you've blamed on me. And yeah, I get it, we're both test subjects for some sick twisted hands of fate, but I'm tired of fighting over it. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better person in your life, sorry for every moment, at the playground, in school, at work that I've been in your head. And sorry I don't consider it a problem anymore."
And maybe that's when Minji realises there isn't an end to revenge. When you're already grabbing your things and leaving. It's not about maturity. It's about understanding. Understanding that some things were always meant to be.
And some things never so.
It's about knowing someone so well you grow to live with them a part of you, and knowing how to hold them so tight releasing them is gentle.
It's constants.
***
"I'm moving out."
You don't deliver it with any preamble, any buildup. You just show up in the master bedroom and say it. And Minji looks up from the spot tucked under the bedsheets like she was prepared for the news from the beginning. "Boss wants me to move. To the states. To help develop the new branch."
You're not sure when the two of you agreed, just that you know the didn't of you didn't need to. It goes without saying, without thinking, without needing words connecting like a bridge.
The both of you know it's over. Which doesn't make it any less blisteringly painful.
"And me? I've become a non-factor, haven't I?"
And the soreness in your throat isn't one you can scratch. It's the most challenging thing in your entire life, because for once you're saying you want to be alone, and that's terrifying. Because you're going to take a pair of scissors and undo every ribbon.
"MinjiâŠ"
"I know," Minji states, her nose twitching like she let out a sniffle, "I know, but it doesn't make me hate your guts any less."
"I wish I could think of another way."
Minji shakes her head like you told her a lie. "It doesn't matter. Because both of us have parts that are in agreement. It just⊠hurts. I thought I meant more to you. Like how you are my everything."
You think you should cry, so you nearly do. But Minji tells you no. "Don't cry. You chose this. To step away. And I don't blame you."
Because at the end of the day, the both of you believe in something better- something the two of you don't yet have.
That's the problem with being perfect pieces. The foolish yearning for anything but. The need to be proven wrong and maybe crash back together again. You remember the teacher's comment, from an age you don't remember. It's weird. They don't argue. Ever.
And maybe that's unhealthy. Or maybe you're wrong.
"I still love you so much," you say, because you need to put a wisp out, weight of the world on your shoulders, "and I'm so, so scared. Scared I'm making the wrong choice."
"I'm terrified," Minji agrees, her eyes dimmer than they've ever been, phasing. "Maybe it's time we both tried something we didn't know. Just like falling in love the first time. Just stop thinking."
Your breathing stills, because you have to let something die to get through tonight.
"It's hard," you say, your voice croaky, red and broken. An impossible choice.
"Just let it happen," Minji dips her head, and her next sound makes her sniffles real and non-imaginary.
"Will we still⊠collide?" Your question is a final hopeful plea. Bargaining. And Minji knows that.
"If time permits."
And that'll have to be enough. No more Minji. Finally. Your feet mean to move.
"You're unreal, Minji. Don't ever forget that. If this is the end, let's smile and move on. Because time may erase but our hearts will remember."
"My dad told me to move on, you know," Minji adds suddenly, a wet spot forming on the blanket below her head, like every fated moment falling back to nothingness. "I told him about us. And he said that sometimes that's just how the road winds. That I should do what I feel is right and give you up. And cherish whatever it was, even though all the time- our whole lives- means nought without either of us."
The next words come from a place within Minji that's new, because you've never, ever, seen it before. And maybe you never will again.
"And I thought, yeah, we spent all our lives together, now we have to grow apart, and that's so fucking terrifying. I don't know if I know how to love someone that isn't you, don't know if I'll ever be happy again, but something keeps telling me that is together is wrong, that we were only together to finally be apart. A splinter. And our broken hearts. How long are we going to hurt?"
"I don't know what next means."
Your feet clatter against the cobblestone in disorganised fashion. It's not the last time. There's still logistics. But the end is nigh. And the two of you agreed.
Your eyes fall to the car in front of you, the black sedan you used to drive the two of you to work with every single day.
And the raven-head waiting next to it in a black dress.
"Done?" Hanni says softly, like she knows raising her voice would pop the bubble you're in, the one with the ghost of Minji on your soul.
"Yeah."
"What'd she say?"
"That I- that we were right."
Hanni shifts her feet. "I'm sorry it turned out this way."
You shake your head. "I'll cry like a bitch later. Thanks for coming. I⊠didn't think you would."
"Why? Cause I'm not the sappy type?"
"No, because you're a chaser, remember? Of the fleeting moments?"
Hanni pulls at her interlocked fingers. "That was the old me, yeah."
You raise an eyebrow. "Times change. People change. I've had my experiences. Now it's time for something longer, more permanent. People don't fit into boxes for long without trying to get out of one."
"Wise words."
Hanni gives a wry smile. "Do you need a hug?"
It takes you a second. "Just the one."
You move first. And it's warm enough.
"Hey," Hanni whispers, her arms tight around your neck like she knows better than you do. "When you're ready, step into the car, and we'll go, okay? If you need one last word, I'll wait too."
"I'm just scared of her being alone. I have you now, but who does she have? What if she doesn't have another person by her side ever again? What if-"
"Then you need to know that it's respectfully none of your business anymore. Or your jurisdiction. And that you can trust in her."
Hanni unlatches from you, a soft, almost flirty smile on her face.
"If you're ready to roll, I am too."
"Just go?"
"Just go. Maybe you'll be wrong, maybe you'll come back to her. Who can say for sure? But that's the beauty of it right? That's why we don't know everything. Because where's the love in that?"
***
The Mars bar lands on her table like a warning sign. Minji looks up, irritated at first, like it's the past, but she sees that it's you and her expression smoothens.
"Hi," Minji starts formally, the tone all wack. "What is it?"
"Finished the report. It'll land in your inbox in a few minutes. If all is good with you, we can submit it. I⊠tailored it slightly to your expectations."
Minji nods, slow at first, then more rapidly, her eyes falling back to her screen, hands on her lap. "Got it."
You nod, mouth struggling to form a natural smile, because you're not sure you're willing to bet and risk that. But she cuts you off at your turn anyway.
"Hey."
"Uh- yeah?"
"You have a meeting till seven, correct?"
You blink, letting your eyes fall to her, still confined within her chair. Huh.
"You would know," you say simply.
Minji tilts her head like she gets it too. "I need to speak with you- um, can I speak with you? Five minutes? After?"
"Non-work related?" You guess.
"Non-work related."
You nod. "Sure. See you in a bit."
You run through the likely options at lunch. Option A. She's gonna chew you out. Again. She's prepared some secret weapon, or something, and she's about to deploy it with lethal prejudice. Option B. She's going to give you a Snickers bar. Option C. You're fuc-
Minji sets her tray down in front of you with a loud clatter, drawing the chair and seating with a lot more noise and haphazard actions than necessary. More than needed for someone like her.
Your jaw goes still. You know how it looks. Because that never happens, and everyone knows that never happens. It's like, defying fate. Or the natural flow of time. And she looks like she's having a hard time as well, what with the flush on her face.
"Uh, hello."
"Hi."
"Uh, good to⊠see you?" You try, brain empty of any ability to process what's happening.
"I uh- you uh, don't mind, right?"
"N-no. Feel free." You spot at least four empty tables in your field of vision.
"Thanks."
The two of you eat in hushed silence, and you swear this is the slowest you've ever eaten a burger in your life, slow enough for you to get a rough slap by any fast food owner with self-esteem.
Minji shovels dwaenjjang jiggae like she's drinking mud. Then she just starts speaking, randomly.
"You uh, remember our seventh birthday?"
Your brain takes a moment to start playing the tape in your mind. "The one where you wanted blue forget-me-nots on your blue cake, so your mom dressed you up as a blue flower and my mom put a blue overshirt on me and called me the great flower farmer?"
Minji winces like she wasn't asking for details. "Yeah, that one."
"I remember it."
"Okay, well, did you like it? Or enjoy it?"
You chew slowly. "You want the honest answer?"
"Yes."
You shift in your seat, getting more comfortable. "I hated it."
Minji flinches.
"I hated it because it didn't feel right. Like two people wanted different things and we came to a compromise without a common understanding. Like trying to do too much and fucking it up. Which is exactly what our parents did, by the way."
Minji's lip curls upwards, like you're onto something.
"And because I could tell you didn't want it like this, and neither did I. So on both fronts, everything failed."
Minji stares, her eyes hollow, but not empty.
"Okay. Thanks."
You nod, and immediately Minji stands up, clearing her plate.
"See you in a bit," she says.
You're nearly two feet in the grave by the time the day ends. And you haven't even addressed Minji's ominous talk yet. Which you nearly forgot about.
Which has you backtracking and pausing by your desk. You glance around. Just you two, again. Like the other time you argued and shut her up and left.
You wince internally. Let you be wrong; just once. Defy the odds.
"Uh, Minji?" You call out, approaching her desk, where she's watching something on her phone.
"Hmm? Oh- right," She closes her phone quickly, setting it on her desk. You wait.
"I have something to say."
"Yeah, you do."
Minji stiffens, like she just realised she's being an idiot. Which is weird, because you're pretty sure Minji would never let herself look like that in front of you. And when she reaches over on her desk to toss a blue wrapper Snickers bar over, you catch it with the kind of atheistic disbelief that should be impossible to change.
"I⊠prefer those."
You nod dumbly. Then glance up at her like you know there's more.
"I⊠wanted to apologise."
So fuck the odds then.
"Sorry?" You stammer.
"I want to say sorry," Minji phrases carefully, enunciating each word, "for blaming you."
Fuck the odds.
"I realised that I don't hate you- I just hated not being okay with it. And no one says that I have to be okay with it, but I turned you into my reason and output because you were always hopelessly available. And⊠that was wrong."
"You don't have to apologise," you interrupt, floor suddenly unstable, "you just rationalised it in your own way."
"At your expense. And that's wrong, no matter how you twist it. And as a person that knows you so well, having spent every moment of my life trying to evade you, I should have done better."
"Uh," you sputter, before your brain combusts, "okay, apology accepted. You really didn't need to-"
"You don't like my apology?"
"No! -I mean, I do appreciate it, a lot. It means a lot. It's just you know⊠a... a lot? Unexpected."
Minji nods, bowing her head deeply. "I'm sorry. Really. I⊠was selfish, for a very long time."
She's wrong. Or at most, only half-right. "I was selfish too. I did exactly what you did, let what we believed when we first started continue, even when it was wrong. We didn't challenge it. And it's we. I treated you awfully at times as well. So I should apologise as well."
"Apology accepted," Minji says, flashing you the first genuine smile you've ever seen. The first you can remember. Then Minji pinches her nape.
"Can't believe it took nearly three decades for us to stop murdering each other," Minji murmurs, low enough to think you can't hear.
You laugh nervously. "Yeah, crazy."
Minji blushes. You turn your head, eyeing your desk and office bag like it contains a ticket out of here.
"So uh," you mean to move along to the conclusion, "we all good now?"
You see Minji forcefully expel the tension in her shoulders from her body. "Yeah, we good."
"Great. Anything else?"
Minji's eyebrows knit together for a short moment, her lips parting with something unsaid.
"What is it?" You urge.
"Just⊠I feel like this is the part where we reconcile and start sharing something about the both of us, like our perspectives, but.."
"We already know everything about each other?"
"-yeah."
"Yeah, we kind of don't need to get into that. We don't need to revisit how you don't drink coffee, don't like being disturbed in class, prefer your kimbap with ham when I prefer mine with cheese-"
"You remember all of that?" Minji interjects, shell-shocked.
"Like you don't remember stupid things about me?"
Minji thinks for a while, and then it comes out of her in droves.
"You hate arrogance. The kind where people think no one can know better about a certain thing than themselves. The kind that pushes you to follow when you already know better."
"Green is your favourite colour."
"You beat up that boy because of what he said about me, something nasty, and I still reported it to the teacher because I wondered if I could dig past your skin. That was my fault too. You always looked so⊠unbothered, like you didn't feel whatever I was feeling, didn't care to yell at me about all the things I made unavoidable. I wanted to get to you just once. But you never let me. You just let it past, again, even though I didn't understand like you did that you were never the real target of my afflictions."
Wow. There's something warm about the way she's saying it all.
"Yeah, that's me. And that's us."
"Enemies, no, nemesis," she replies.
"But not anymore?" You ask hopefully.
Minji's eyes soften, real in their dark pools, but in another moment she's doing more than just processing your request. She's⊠reconstructing.
And then she forces you into the same action, down the same road, the same trip. And it's only because you've hated every fiber of her being that you're guessing at all.
"Are you⊠replaying us?"
Minji bites her lip. "Replaying whatever I knew. And adding what I missed. You did things sometimes⊠things I didn't know the reasons behind, so I filed away under bribery and favours."
Like the Mars Bars? "I tried making things easier. For both of us. To avoid us meeting and creating any accidental friction."
"I'm seeing that. I did that sometimes too. Just to make a couple days clear."
And now that you're reliving too, you see what she sees. The actions that had different motives but were action's nonetheless. All the effects.
"I see that now too."
"It's crazy," Minji admits, but almost like she didn't mean to. "It's like reading two separate narratives but the same plot, like getting the correct colour filter for the image that was originally out of place."
She isn't wrong, and she never was.
Minji rises her seat, fixating you with this foreign yet eerily familiar look. Like she's holding you within the hollows of her surreal eyes.
"I want to try something, and it's going to be crazy."
Crazy with Minji? Oh dear. "If this goes horribly wrong, we can never speak of this again. But⊠I just feel like I was meant to do this once."
She crosses the space with every step, coming to meet you in the middle for the first time ever. And it's like it was meant to be.
Your breath catches, and that's before Minji reaches for your features, her fingers brushing, unabashedly, across your lips and cheek, and behind your ear.
"You look different. Familiar," she remarks, and you're not sure what exactly she's saying, but she's right somehow.
She tugs you in for a closer look, and you feel her exhales across your face. She's inspecting⊠something. Maybe an identity check for if you're still the same guy she's drawn swords against her whole life. And when the signal is all jumbled dumb and confusing, you do the stupidest action you were always meant to do.
You kiss her.
Quick. Enough for you to jump back like it's a sting, like you're on the receiving end and not the deliverer. Minji's eyes widen, and though she tries to move back, the both of you find yourselves unable to untangle from each other.
And then Minji's eyes redden. "Fuck."
And then she's on you again. Lips to lips, and you don't need the lies and rules anymore. Because she's really kissing you for real, kissing you like she's been building up to this moment her whole life.
And maybe you have too. When she pulls away, the tears are rivulets down her cheeks.
"Fuck," she curses like it was all a mistake, "I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. All this time-"
You cut her off by seizing her by the fingers, squeezing till you've got her.
"Don't apologise. Don't cry. Don't think."
And because she heeds you, because the door is open, she slips with you into the night.
Explicitly, you realise the answer on the drive back is this.
Every thought you had of growing away from her made you understand her more. The answer isn't just a game by Ender, isn't that understanding everything about your enemy makes you love them. Itâs not about whether this is right or wrong, if it makes sense or if it doesnât. Itâs the risk of something novel, something maybe the two of you could never have escaped.
It's also the admittance that the two of you are a perfect fit because of all the differences the two of you have had. That there's a whole unexplored route ahead of you, and you don't have a map, a compass, or anything to navigate it. That there's a ground zero and infinite possibilities.
Taking her, on a whim, on top of a pyramid, a precipice of dangerous accidents and lethal misunderstandings, it's an impossible experience.
Crashing through your apartment, kissing her like you're making up for a lifetime of nonexistent kisses and arbitrary nonsense, getting your hands into her nape, onto her skin, undoing her office shirt-
None of it should feel familiar. But it fucking does. Like you were always going to or always have been doing it in some other timeline.
You mark her like you've done it before, biting on her dusky nipples and supple breasts like you're not owning them for the first time today. You draw moans the are not novel rewards but refreshed objectives.
It's not a game. It's just you, and her, and you working your fingers under her skirt, overwhelming her with too much too fast, and her reply is that she doesn't know if it's a bad thing.
That's not knowing. It's peeling off her panties, seeing her soaked cunt, pressing your tongue up against it-
"Oh my fucking god!"
You press her hips down, and you wonder if Minji knows where she even is. You feel like you've kidnapped her and bound her in your room.
"Oh my god, eat that pussy!"
You double down, carving a path, through her flesh, into a heart. By the time she's breaking and sobbing, hips bucking in slow powerful waves, you're already lost. Too far down the hole, too far along the road to turn back.
There was never turning back.
Her hands to your shaft, voice still spilling never before heard cusses and body's slick with a slight sheen. She pulls you forward, and as you collapse over her like all first times should, you're in her like you've been all along.
Your hips buck, rippling against her thighs, cock spearing into her depths. Minji arches her back and shrieks.
"Fuck!"
"Minji-"
"Oh my- oh my god!"
You hold her by the wrists, the shoulders, anything to not drive her insane. Her pussy is tight and warm and something reserved, special. And you're writing everything wrong by pushing back into her, making her cum, claiming a girl that history says was never meant to be yours.
Her hips meet against you're, and you have to gasp, suddenly uncomfortable, out of place. Her brow- tightly-knitted, her mouth hanging open, low tone slightly husky.
She looks real, bare. Perfect mounds, lean body. Not extreme, just right.
"I didn't know you were gonna fuck me like this."
You don't think you're supposed to, either. Her legs this long, this sculpted, and her face, just so unbelievably pretty. You were used to it before but you aren't anymore, especially when it's contorted in the throes of passion.
Illegal and filthy? Probably. Future-rewiring? Definitely. But your lips are on hers, and she's fucking you with all she's got, so when you roll her over, onto you, and you see the rivers of sweat racing down her right tummy, abs and navel, you go giddy.
You once remember someone calling Minji a goddess when you were sixteen. You wonder if that guy had any inkling what a view like this is. Hair, wet with sweat, sticking to her shoulders, to the chest, nipples hard and aching, and your full length bolted to the base, within her, wrapped securely. You remember her relentless insistence when you were five, always fighting to admit that she could stand like you did regardless of who shoved you down on the playground.
You remember hearing her dreams through a proxy, the overlapping hushed conversation when you were fourteen, the ones you filed away but made sure to never tread on. Not because you wanted to lie down and let her walk over you, but just in the hopes that the two of you could have space to breathe separately. When the two of you didn't think of trying to breathe in sync.
Your hands slide to her ass, squeezing, and she throws her hips down harder.
"You're doing it inside. I don't care. It's been waiting long enough. So pump my cunt full of cum and breed me."
The pleasure that shoots through you is enough for you to grind your teeth to dust. Minji loses herself over you, collapsing in an orgasmic mess, and it's only a half dozen more thrusts before you're crying out in that same space, the evidence all in the sticky white that's coating her insides and staining everything else.
A cannon. That's what you are. A glass one. A crazy one. You shudder and wrap her in your arms and tilt her to the side, till the two of you are trembling; but together.
"I-"
"Shhh."
Morning is a splintered path in an unknown direction.
Minji, still looking disoriented, her tan skin soft as liquid draped over you. Awake, not moving from your heat, just wondering what's the truth next.
She looks like she's about to cry again.
"I'm scared, you know? We missed all our lives together, I don't ever want to see us apart. And we might have gone crazy last night, but what if we're finally right after being wrong for so long?"
But really, were the two of you ever wrong? Was anything holding the two of you back from admitting it, besides Minji misunderstanding what was cause and who was effect, and the two of you perhaps not knowing that the two of you were always going to fall this way?
"Then let's stop believing that we need to know. I know everything about you, always have. And enough to now know I love you because I understand everything now. Every little thing I did wrong. And I'm going to make up for every wrong I did. Every moment we shared last night that didn't yet feel deserved. And create something perfect."
***
It doesn't matter if it's separate or together. What's written on your hearts, what actually means, that's what's important. That's growing up. You'll hold her hand now, and you will forever in memories. The heart doesn't forget easily.
You loved her- you do now.
A/N: If it wasn't clear from reading this, this was rushed. This fic is more idea than something concrete, more concept than love story. And I think I'm slowly accepting what it's become, enough to post it. And I hope I get better.
I will try to keep this as short as possible, but hi, Tumblr.
Yes, I am writing again. I took a little break for personal things, being busy and also lacking in motivation/inspiration. However, things have normalised, and I'm picking this hobby back up again.
folie Ă deux will return.
I'm about 85% done with part 6, and there's already a teaser on fanprose. Expect it soon.
And that leads me on to... Fanprose.
As you may have seen, I have linked the Fanprose version of my last two fics at the top of my posts. This will continue going forward. I am also porting over my entire library of fics to Fanprose over the coming weeks.
I will still post future fics here on Tumblr for now, however I will be more active on the Fanprose side of things.
Reading is better there, with the ability to bookmark where you are in fics, multi-chapter stories connected together seamlessly and better search filters, etc.
Also, the community is more active there. You'll find readers and writers posting thoughts, interacting in comments, and more.
If that sounds fun, sign up, follow me (and others) and then gift me all the photocards you earn (only me).
In quite literally every other probable set of circumstances in the world, âDid you break up?â is not the best icebreaker for you and your girlfriend to go off on.
Yuri stops, mid-slurp of what looks to be a much more savory bowl of noodles and broth than it is, and eyes you with a warning shot. She chews hastily, swallows ungracefully, clears her throat, âWe were never together,â with that uneasiness in her eyes you know means nothing good. âWe didn't even kiss in the drama, you know.â She reaches down, kneads her calf, and you just let her.Â
âI know,â because of course you did, âbut you had really good chemistry. On the show, off the show, maybe even behind the cameras?â You pick at your California rollâa soy sauce-soaked grain of rice here, a loose sesame seed thereâtrying but obviously, laughably failing at laughing and passing it off as a mere observation. Her eyes are still hell to avoid: soft, or piercing, or mysterious on command, and today is no exception. Her phone isnât a valid target either, just sitting there on the table, screen locked but facing up so it reflects your gaze every time it falls within. You have to look up, and once you do, those hellishly gorgeous eyes find yours in no time at all. She looks at you with a weird flavor of amusement, like entertaining the most ridiculous thought youâve ever had.Â
âHe was nice. Tall, handsome, sweet too, at least that's what I'm told,â she huffs, trying just as hard with that smirk to keep the situation light. âNow I'll bite. Tell me, oppa, why do you ask?â Yuri leans back on her chair, arms crossing and her smirk growing just the slightest bit wider, testing the limits of what she can let herself get away with saying.
You had the nerve to ask her to this random New York noodle house for lunch, thousands of miles away from both your homes and jobs, while youâre both on vacation for Christ's sake, and ask her that as a shameful last ditch attempt at petty conversation you knew you couldnât keep up with. âJust,â you concede with a pause thatâs definitely, maybe a bit too pregnant, âjust curious.â Not that it was a lie, but itâs a grave understatementâyou did miss her, it looks like she missed you too, overreading the situation be damned.Â
She laughs, which, mission accomplished for you. âYou canât fault me for wanting our breakup to have been worth something,â mirror her crossed arms with yours, throw back a pointed stare of your own. âYou were giving up a real catch, so I didnât want you regretting it.â
âRight, right. Sorry.â She clears her throat and wipes away the stray broth from her lips, throwing down the napkin like she was right back at home. With that same tone she always took with you, only you, âWell, if you must know, it was not worth it. At all. I mean, seriously, do you really think that he could compare?â
And there it is. It stops you both in your tracks, the tension of meeting up with an ex in a weird place after an ambiguous breakup immediately replaced by the realization that, for lack of a better term, âI donât wanna compare,â rubbing your neck out of embarrassment more than humility, âI donât wanna say âworth it.ââ
Different this time, âRight, sorry. You know what I meant.â Yuriâs eyes cast down just as quick, and you find your respectfully waiting sushi on the plate right across from her gently cooling bowl of noodles. The clatter and chatter of sounds around you comforts you in a way you canât explicitly understand, but the way her smile creeps back into her cheeks and her honest attempt at checking if what she said was okay with you means more than anything else.Â
âYeah, I know.â
Her phone lights up, breaking the ice better than you ever could, but Yuriâs face all but sours when she reads the notification. She wills the screen back to black, and flips it over this time. No more distractions. She turns back to you, hiding all the emotions from her face. Continues on, like nothing happened.
~~~
There's really no good way to describe the feeling again. Itâs some parts anxious, other parts offended, yet other parts just plain relieved. Confusing is another word youâd love to use, but youâve long accepted that everything was confusing in the face of one Jo Yuri, even if it was the last thing she wanted. She grips your arm tighter as her glasses fog up with a puff of breath gone awry. Thereâs a slight shiver in her fingers, dreadfully obvious even through her winter gloves, that makes its way up your sleeve and onto the arm sheâs gripping onto. Itâs confusing, anxious, offensive, just plain relieving, to have her on your arm like this again.Â
âHowâs work?â Again, not the best icebreaker, though by now youâve gotten quite used to the awkward silences since her. What youâre not used to, unfortunately, is having her there with you. She grips tighter, not to any considerable degree, but enough for you to notice the flex of her fingers against the thick fabric of your coat. But you can feel, even without seeing the corners of her lips curve up, that she finds this more amusing than you do.Â
âItâs fine,â Yuri breezes against your arm, âIâm glad to have a little time to myself before heading off to Manhattan or something,â before settling with a huff that produces a thin cloud of breath in front of her face. âWhat about you? You mustâve been busy too, not much time to be sitting around and missing me.âÂ
A moment of weakness is an understatement. What youâd give in exchange for the courage to tell her the truth that, yes, you missed her with all your heart, and that not a day on this God-given earth has passed that you havenât wished she was right back there with you, without any or all of this complicated nonsense that you canât bring yourself to tell her drove you two apart. Or, on the other hand, you could also say no, not one bit, you haven't even thought of her, and your password isn't your anniversary anymore, and the gallons upon gallons of midnight oil you burned at your desk at work didnât have anything at all to do with not having her near.Â
Instead, your hands ball into fists in your coat pockets. Itâs for the warmth, it has to be for the warmth. Thereâs no particular reason why your tongue finds its way between your teeth, why the flashing digital billboards of brands youâve never heard of suddenly seem so interesting, why the birds and chatter and the buskers singing love songs are much too loud for 3 pm. But you look to your right, see the tiny girl clung to your arm like a koala, half watching where sheâs going past the crowd of people going the opposite way and the other half looking up at you.Â
âYouâre holding back,â she huffs, another breath-turned-fog-cloud rising up her face, though itâs just a smidge too late to hide the tiny furrow in her brow when she says it. âYou never hold back.âÂ
Nevertheless, reassure her, âAm I? I donât think so.â Pat the hand that clings to you, convince her that youâre okay and convince yourself harder, âIâm fine. You?â
Clearly not satisfied, (of course sheâs not, not even you would buy that bullshit you just spouted), she presses: âSomethingâs bothering you. You think youâre so slick.â She pokes your side, in the spot you curse that she remembers is ticklish. âFine, donât tell me yet. But I bet youâll slip or something. You always were,â she stops for a moment, the playful tinge in her voice flickering. âYou always were an open book.â
She suddenly stops, fingers still tight on your arm, but she pulls out her phone with her free hand. She puts it to her ear, mumbles a simple âUh-huh,â and her face does that thing again when she gets bad news. âAlright, thank you, oppa,â before pocketing it back with a sigh.
âEverything okay?âÂ
Not even one breath after you start, she perks back up: âCome up with me.â She tilts her head to the right, pointing at the big revolving door of the hotel she must be staying at. âMy legs are tired, and itâs too cold, and everything is so loud here.â
âOh, if youâve had enoughââ
âCome up.â
Itâs one singular moment of hesitationâboth yours and hersâbefore she pulls you along, into the lobby, past the staff, into the elevator. You almost donât mind the eyes, human or digital or otherwise, that might catch you; you only allow yourself one of the worst palpitations youâve ever had the displeasure of the thought of Jo Yuri being caught with some nobody not even worth a second of her time. She rushes down the hallway, avoiding eyes and ears like the expert you know her to be, until the last moment before she places her hand on a seemingly random doorknob: a man emerges from the room to the left, asking her who you are.Â
âHeâs new,â she says, before you realize that she was talking to you. She shoots you a new smileâa teasing oneâbefore addressing the man this time, âHeâs someone I need you to keep from management and everyone else, especially you-know-who. Heâs not here at all.â The door flies open, Yuri doesnât wait for a reply from him, shoves you in.Â
~~~
Everything like old times, from the rambling about work and schedules, to how her mother and yours are doing, to fighting over the TV volume that has to be either a multiple of 2 or of 5 before ultimately settling on a crisp 30. Thatâs why itâs unsettling to you, creating friction somewhere deep in your chest, at the stark lack of it outside. Itâs most apparent when she takes a big, lazy, manspread seat onto the sofa while you do the same on the floor in front of her, falling into step like you used to. You know things have changed, and she knows that things have changed, and that your old routines arenât, shouldnât, be the same as they once were. But the world is quiet, save for the TV spewing nonsense about the news or this telenovela or even this funny streamer she loves so much. You want the fighting, the interrogations between each other, the explosions of passion and yearning like the dramasâlike it should be.
Instead, after the hellish couple hours of leisurely catching up like neither of you deserve, she chuckles, swings a leg over each of your shoulders, breathes out a slow sigh. Wraps a calf around the front of your neck, snuggling you between her thighs, and you place your hands right on her shinânot to remove, but simply to touchâkneading the muscles she's been complaining of soreness ever since the morning.Â
Your eyes stay fixed on the TV, but watching it has long been out of your mind. The little people onscreen couldn't do anything right now to grab your attention back; now it's just on the gentle voice somewhere above and behind you, humming a familiar song as fingers run through your hair and ruffle through the liminal spaces between every strand. âCan't believe you remember we used to do this,â Yuri says, and she bends down over you, tilting your head back just a smidge with a soft tug. It's not demanding in the slightest, though you fight down the urge to tell her you would've given in if she did.
Her eyes were always so pretty. They could be soft, or piercing, or mysterious on command, but now it's nothing more than that comforting curiosity that got you to fall in love with her in the first place. It's always been the trust she had in you to be patient even to a fault, to let her go off into the wide open world as you stayed behind, to be there for her when she comes home and complains about her feet hurting as you come down to rub all the tension out once more.Â
With the awkwardness only finally starting to melt away, you whisper in the most gentle tone you never knew you could muster, âThis was my favorite part. I'm glad you let me do this back then,â as your fingers prod and squeeze away the spots of pain and pressure woven between her muscles, âeven now.â She continues running her fingers through your hair, letting you feel the gentle strokes of her fingertips and nails against the skin of your scalp. She comes eye to eye with you, tilting your head far enough back that it rests on her lap, and she shows you that raw honesty you can tell she's been dying to show anyone. âDo you remember why we broke up?â you ask her, whispering far too quietly, scared to break this unbreakable peace youâve already built with her.Â
She sighs through a mouth curved into a sad smile. âNo, it's been so long. I bet you remember, though. I must've been a bad girlfriend or something. Did I forget your birthday?â Warmth from a hand on each of your cheeks now, and the smoothness of a pair of lips right on the center of your forehead. The ends of her hair tickle your face wherever they land, but you don't mind them enough to brush off. Yuri peppers tiny pecks all over your face, and you have to let it happen. You get to let it happen.Â
âLet's let that be my burden to carry. I don't blame you for not remembering.â You close your eyes slowly, receiving her love like you deserve it. On one particularly slow kiss right between your eyebrows, her smile grows a little wider, her exhale a little more forceful as she takes comfort in the tiny graces you pay her back. Your fingers continue to knead her calf, feeling the tension melt away as she grows ever more pliable under your hands, half-hoping that she doesn't realize you've been playing Fur Elise on her leg for the better part of the hour now, with the other half hoping that she does.Â
And then, without warning or heed, her lips meet yours. They're just as soft as you remember, with the familiar pout you've come to memorize and, hell, even miss. She parts them slightly, takes your upper lip gently between her teeth. It's everything to you to let her have her tiny nibbles, all the while you get to love her right back. She takes the utmost care, as if handling the most fragile of glass mirrors, as she rubs her thumbs across your cheeks, feeling how corporeal and simply present you are with her. It's everything to be here again, to be hers again, to be again. It feels like an eternity and a day that you stay in her presence, taking from her without deserving, yetâ
She pulls away, just for a moment, and whispers against your lips: âHere you go again with the owing me something. I know that twitch in your lips. I donât like it.â She traces circles on one cheek, holding you steady by the other, waiting for you to settle. Waiting for you. Waiting for you.Â
âYou canât not remember by now,â you chuckle, breath pushing lightly against her smile. âTell me why we broke up. Right now. Come on,â poking and prodding at her psyche, before she breaks into that same adorable giggle that lights up the room and everything in it.Â
âI said I was gonna be busy.â The way she says it is plain as day, as if itâs the simplest thing. âAnd you took it like âShe doesnât want to spend time with me anymoreâ when you know itâs not that.â She rubs your cheeks again, trying to pull away the layers even though she knows itâs not you thatâs hiding, âit was never that.â
âWhat was it then?â Keep testing her, even if you know sheâll get all the answers right anyway. The little things get lost in the noise, but not the big thing she keeps close to her heart.Â
âIt was,â with a pause much too short to be pregnant, âIt was me saying âYou arenât worth the few free hours I have anymore.â And you hated that, because who wouldnât?â she confesses, voice shaking like old wounds were opening again. âBut thatâs not what I meant.â
Your turn to kiss her forehead, and the way you pull her down isnât as awkward as you want it to be. Instead, she takes one slow glide into position, hovering right above your lips, and you donât make her wait a millisecond longer than she needs to. âI know what you meant. But do you think Iâd have ever forgiven myself if I ever got in your way?â
And then she pulls back, meeting your eyes again as if seeing for the first time the blazing galaxies behind the inky cover of night. Her smile tugs at the corners of her mouth, stretching ever so slightly, like itâs getting wider against her will. âItâs not fucking fair,â she says, gaze still locked on you, smile reaching peak width. âYou make it look so easy, loving me. Itâs like youâre this perfect fucking soulmate for me. How do you know me so well?â
âI,â you take a deep breath, bracing yourself for an answer that pains you to give, âI donât know.â Itâs the truth, that you donât know how easy it was to fall for her, or why it was so simple to learn her little habits. How long she stays in bed scrolling after waking up, the number of the place she always gets her spicy marinated crabs from, her unnatural insistence that the volume of the TV has to be a multiple of 5. Itâs all these little things: stuff that you and only you could ever know of her, stuff she only ever lets you see. It strikes you as every bit of odd, knowing so much about her, when all you are is some background character in the grand scheme of her lifeâ
âI donât get it.â Yuriâs voice shocks you back down to Earth, âYouâre not the type to cry. Or hesitate. Or keep things hidden, at least from me. Thatâs that twitch in your lips, when you want to say something out loud but you bite it back. I donât like it.â She thumbs your cheek again, more slowly, deliberately, âI donât like when you donât tell me things.â
Her phone again, this time a Kakao message judging from the notification sound. It reaches you both at the same time, but the effect it has on her is the worst yet. She shuts her eyes hard, as if wishing the message would be gone by the time she checks, and she doesnât plan to check anytime soon. You even feel her hands get ever so slightly chillier, like it pains her to think about what that message could be.Â
âYou can get that if you need to.â You always had that soft spot for her, knowing where you stood in her life and when it was your turn. And of course, you were more than happy to step aside, because God forbid you, as you accidentally so eloquently put it, got in her way.Â
But a fresh, warm breeze of breath hits your forehead. âThatâs the second stupidest thing youâve ever said.â Her eyes open again, and it hits you: soft or piercing or mysterious on command. Shining like the blazing galaxies that hide behind the inky blackness of the sky. All at once, the mystery of how you remember everything about her even after all this time just seems to solve itself.Â
But thereâs that doubt in her eyes again, when she sees your lips twitch again. âI really hurt you, didnât I?â Sheâs downtrodden, and you canât console her. Not like this. âWhat did I do?âÂ
Lie. Just lie. âNothing, that was it.â Fight the twitch in your lip again, pretend you can hide it when sheâs this close.Â
You want her to let go, then say sheâs busy, then pick up her phone and read it and say she needs her rest, then kick you out. But she doesnât, even with the incessant pinging seemingly getting louder and louder. Through it all, she stares into your eyes, thumbs brushing the skin of your cheeks, trying to find any clue she can find. Instead she mumbles, âBullshit,â focused on you.Â
~~~
The TV hangs above a fake fireplace far from the foot of the bed, waiting patiently for the next time they can light back up. A newly-snuffed stick of incense fades out in its stand in the kitchen, and the far off cars and people somewhere on the busy 10-in-the-evening New York street beneath you try their hardest to throw soundwaves up that many stories and through your window to you. And her.Â
She finally pulls you down, taking her with you as she descends backwards onto the fluff of the mattress. All the while, your lips never leave hers: slow kisses, fast, light, deep, and everything in between. Tongues swirl in a dance from long ago but never forgotten, somehow recalling every step of the way like you were never apart. Her breath grows heavier along with yours, vying to keep up with the heat you offer her and trying to outdo you all at the same time, when it all comes to a screeching halt; she pushes you off, keeping you only a hair's width away from her, no more and no less.Â
Donât ruin it. Don't do it. Don't say it. Don'tââSo youâre not going out with him?â
And she looks up at you with those gorgeous eyes, piercing, before settling into soft, as her lips curl into a smirk that she tries so hard to fight down before failing anyway and, god forbid, laughing right in your face. Youâd thought that this would happen sooner or later, but not like this. Not her comfily lying in a fluffy bed, keeping you mere millimeters from her face as she lets out a laugh from deep in her chest, at something you said that made her happy again. Once she settles, âNo, absolutely not,â pulls you closer again right up until youâre fully flush against her lips. âDonât make it hard for me now. How many more times are you gonna ask tonight?â
âJust one more,â you joke. Indulge her, even if only for this. She deserves at least one good memoryâ
âThere you go again, that twitch in your lips. Itâs distracting.â Yuri is nothing but gentle when she nudges you backward against the headboard, straddles your legs, places your hands on her lap as she has her way with you. Itâs one deep kiss after another, not knowing where one ends and the next starts, the minutiae doesnât really matter. What matters is that sheâs here, youâre here, and that things havenât changed at all. Her hands find their way to your neck, trying in vain to pull you any closer than you already are, and yours find her hips, going along with the grinding on your lap that sheâs starting to build up.
âMmh,â straight into your mouth, and it's something you didn't even know you needed. She's had onscreen kisses before, including the ones she's gotten into bed with you and shown you before falling asleep right before the good part comes. And it's that that you held on to: that the way she does those kisses is the farthest thing from the way she does these kisses. She's needy for something more than any physical contact a kiss could offer but the kind of comfort it brings, and you can tell by the way she takes and takes and takes from you, like you don't deserve to be the one offering it.
âFuckingââ but there's no actual heat behind the word. She pulls back ever so slightly, only far back enough to be able to look you in the eyes without crossing hers. âStop that. Whatever it is you're thinking, I don't like it. Just kiss me again.â
âSorry.â There's nothing to apologize for, really, since you know deep in your gut that you'll do it over and over. Your chest grows heavy, and not because of the girl that's doing nothing but trying to love you. Even when she insists, from the way she reaches behind her and under her shirt before pulling off her bra and throwing it off somewhere to the side, to her utter refusal at letting go of your hands once she places them on her chest herself, you can tell that she needs that comfort again. Through her knit top, you can feel the rising warmth of her body, the neverending softness of her boobs, the growing stiffness of her nipples already starting to poke through her shirt and into your palms.Â
But despite it all, you can't ignore the weight in your chest. You're the one who let her drift away, never explained why or how, and now you're taking the same sort of comfort like you used to as if nothing changed. Like she's still the same Yuri, your Yuri, who isn't an international superstar nor budding small screen staple with a future she can't help but rise up to. No, Yuri is there now. Household name, face on the Netflix profile pictures, hundreds of thousands of monthly Spotify listeners and every other metric of success anyone could ever come up with to show just how right you were to let her go.Â
She pulls back, not gentle in the slightest, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, âWhat in the fuck do you want to hear, huh?â She slides her hands under your shirt, coming up your sides, before slipping through the hole for your head to station her hands on either shoulder of yours. Her forearms do the rest of the heavy lifting, bringing the hem up until you have to take your shirt off for her. Not even a moment once itâs off that she dives back in, claiming your mouth before moving down to pepper wet kisses on your neck, leaving trails of spit on your shoulders, nibbling gently at your collarbone, taking deep breaths of the scent on your chest, leaving you breathless and wanting more of what sheâs so desperately trying to offer you.Â
Her turn now. You grab the hem of her top, pulling it up and over her head as well. As it clears her chest, her boobs bounce free, a sight for sore eyes; yet she doesnât let you dwell. Yui allows you two perfect squeezes of her soft, supple breasts, and she goes down. Your pants come away with a concerted joint effort, letting her urgency get the better of you to tear it off, and she takes your throbbing length into her hand. âPlease tell me this is what you want,â as she strokes your cock in deep and slow pumps, all the while letting her spit trickle down your tip, onto the slit, down the shaft where she rubs you up and down. âPlease donât make me play this fucking guessing game.â
âIââ is all you can put together, just as a groan escapes you. The warmth of her mouth is divine, the slickness of her tongue on your cock a feeling you sorely missed. Yuri wastes no time, knowing just how to work you, by taking a long drag up the underside of your cock all the way to the tip and leaving a warm glistening trail, and then suckling on your head like she knows she was always good at.Â
Sheâs gorgeous. Never mind the way her tongue swirls on your tip, nor how she pays special attention to the slit of your cock, nor even the way she releases with a pop each time before coming back down for more. Itâs all of ten seconds that she keeps those soft, or piercing, or mysterious eyes on yours, right when they flutter closed to enjoy having your cock in her mouth once again. Itâs blasphemous reverence: the way she tilts her head left and right to make sure she coats your length with her spit, and the delicious heat of her mouth, her subtle yet firm tracing of her tongue along every vein on your cock she can reach, is nothing short of heaven.Â
For a moment, she retracts, and you sigh a breath of relief. Itâs too soon, much too soon, but the way she gazes at you lovingly from between your legs tells you everything you need to know: she wouldnât mind a second, third, fourth round with you. âYou were saying?â she teases, her lips still stuck gently on the underside of your cock, tiny sucks and licks in that sensitive spot she knows you have.Â
You confess, âI forgot,â just as she makes a particularly long stripe of saliva from your base to tip. Itâs that deadly smirk pulling up only one side of her mouth, that look she gives when sheâs amused. It drives you crazy, and she knows it.Â
âMind if I take a guess?â she relents, just for a moment, retreating her mouth and replacing it with light, lazy strokes. Her fingers work you the way she knows youâre weak against, tracing her fingertips in the most sensitive spots she could only know through her very own trial and error.Â
Before you know it, her free hand is no longer free, holding up her phone and showing you the screen. A guttural moan escapes you as she gives you those deep strokes you love her doing, keeping her lips on your head, as it finally connects: sheâs calling her co-star.Â
He picks up, and amidst a raucous background, âHello? Yuri?â and immediately you know what sheâs playing at. A loud pop, followed by a drag of her tongue around her lips, and she says back, âAre we dating?â Her gaze stays sharp on you, hand unceasingly tight around your base, but above all else, she looks bored. And, perhaps, a little bit annoyed to be hearing a voice she absolutely would not want to be hearing otherwise.Â
âUh, if youâre freeââ more of that background noise, and you surmise heâs in some club, ââIf youâre free, let me buy you a drinkââÂ
Yuri just stays hovering over your tip, her tongue sliding again and again over your slit, letting her spit dribble down the sides of your shaft. You know sheâs bored now, and a little bit displeasedânot by the apparently disappointing phone call, but by you who forced her to make it in the first place.Â
âJustâŠâ she mumbles, making sounds suspiciously like sucking on a lollipop for the call, âAre we dating? Yes or no?â
âNo,â said the other voice, tentatively and having taken way too long, âI donât think we are, yet, unleââ and she drops the call. Her phone lands on the mattress, bouncing slightly, before Yuri takes half your length into her mouth again. Itâs that heat of her that youâre loving: the utmost care she showers all over your cock, the pointed attention she gives to you and you alone, the deliberate slowness and pressure she knows you like. The other half she canât fit in your mouth, she strokes with her hand, as her cheeks hollow out around you, and she tries just a little bit harder with every bob of her head to take more of you in.Â
âY-Yuri,â you canât resist. Everything in you wants to be rough with her again, to have what sheâs promised only you can have all along. Thereâs absolutely no sign or hesitance in her eyes when your hand makes for the back of her head; only a breath held in anticipation of whatâs to come. She halts, pressure constant and unchanging in her mouth and hand, cradling your cock like itâs something precious. A beat passes, sheâs waiting for you, and you finally give in.Â
Push her gently down. Her hand makes way, and her tongue works the underside of your cock as she takes more and more of you in. Itâs slow, careful, almost shy, as if you were a stranger when you arenâtâyou never were.Â
Her nose meets your pubic bone, eyes slightly watery, the way she takes you tells you thereâs nowhere sheâd rather be. Youâre not even pushing her at this point anymore; just taking the pressure of going all the way for her, promising her that you want this too. Her throat squeezes and constricts, massaging your cock in all the perfect spots, wrapping your length in an intoxicating heat, while she makes all these tiny attempts at making eye contact with you, only to fail when she feels you throb against the muscles of her throat, causing her to gag and settle and gag and settle. Even when you let go, retreating your hand away from the dark, fluffy strands of her hair, she stays wrapped around your length, not at all fighting for anything but merely letting you feel her.
But her need to breathe prevails, and she rises slowly, savoring the way your length slides and throbs against the walls of her throat. Yuri fully pulls her face off of your crotch, lines of spit still connecting, her breath heaving warm air onto your soaked cock. She takes a moment to steady her breathing and her heart, before wiping the spent saliva off her lips with the back of her hand. Then, as if nothing happened, she looks up at you with a teasing smirk. She knows she has you wrapped around her finger.Â
It's really that easy for her to take your breath away. You almost succumb to the long, slow, deep strokes she makes on your shaft, throbbing even more against her palm, and her relenting when she knows you're getting worked up and getting close. It's heaven if it weren't hell, yet you love every second of it. It's a long time coming, and you're set on enjoying all the attention she gives you again.
But even so, it's different: the way she smirks changes ever so slightly, and you could never know whyâyou just feel it, know it. It devolves into something you've seen on her before, but never on the screen; not the smile she wears on stage performing her hit songs, nor the smile she puts on between the director yelling âactionâ and âcut.â No, it's the smile she shows you when it's nearly midnight and she needs her cuddles before a big day, the show of quiet contentment when she's leaning back in her chair with a massive plate of spicy marinated crab shells in front of her, it's the smile that's nothing but softness when sheâs taking a break from packing for a location shoot and you promise her you'll stay up until 3 a.m. for her goodnight video call.
It's that smile she only ever shows you, and as she climbs on your lap again, her eyes never leave yours, that smile never shifts from her mouth. Yuri comes in close, plants a slow kiss on your lips, empties her lungs as her eyes flutter shut. She wraps her arms around your neck, tilts her head slightly to the left, makes tiny licks on your tongue whenever you allow it.Â
She starts, âCan Iââ but you already know. She hovers slightly over your cock, dripping liquid heat right onto your tip, teasing herself with it and rubbing her slick folds on you. You know it, and she knows it, only having fun, enjoying yourselves, no pressure, just⊠home.
She sinks herself onto you, her pussy lips parting at your familiar length. Even through it all, sheâs hellishly tight as you remember, searing heat enveloping your length, giving delicious pleasure to every inch of you. Her descent is slow, almost savoring, as her grip on you tightens with every passing second.Â
Sheâs beautiful. Her eyes closed in what you could only surmise is perfect bliss, head lolling back as if offering everything of her to you. The dim light of the moon filters through her hair, illuminating what she always considered her good side. It reflects off the smoothness of her skin, just the right amount of light to show you tantalizing glimpses of her curves: the swell of her breasts, the dip of her waist, the flex of her neck. Lean in, pull her close, take advantage of her vulnerability like she wants you to. You find the pulse on her neck like second nature, and the minute tugs as she snakes her fingers through your hair tell you more than words ever could. She holds you in place as you kiss and suck at her weak point, knowing youâre just as vulnerable in this moment as she is, and you can feel, with the way her grip is gentle yet needy, hungry yet loving, wanting to take so much but also wanting to give back.Â
Only barely having forgotten, she finally sits herself onto your lap. Sheâs still for a moment, drinking in your affection through the kisses you place all over her neck and collarbone, trying to find her bearings as you hold her steady in place. Her heart beats against your chest, her breath tickles your shoulder, and before she pulls back to look you straight in the eyes again, she mumbles, âI missed you.â
It doesnât take long before she captures your lips again. She starts a slow grind on your lap, and you help her along with your hands on her waist, feeling her warmth against your palms. Itâs only small noises now: the deep exhale of a breath held too long, tiny whimpers slipping through the gaps of your lips, the gasp caught in her throat as you hit that perfect spot inside her. Above all else, thereâs no hurryâshe doesnât make any effort to speed up, nor do you let her. Yuri maintains her pace on your lap, grinding instead of bouncing, fully feeling you inside her, as she says, âI really missed you.â
Deeper is the game, and both of you know it. Yuri leans forward, drawing herself closer onto you. It gives her that much of a better angle that her moans draw out longer, that you feel the quiver in her thighs just that little bit more. She arches her back in your direction, and you take that opportunity: you catch her nipple as she gets close, sucking and licking to your heartâs pleasure. Itâs give and take when it comes to this position, like it always was with you two: âMmhâ and âfuckâ and âpleaseâ in the empty spaces you never really needed to fill but do anyway. In every single one is the love you only now get to show each other again, and by God will you love her.Â
Itâs everything all at once, and you canât get enough. The jiggle of her boobs against your face, her incessant pulling of you harder onto her chest, the steady speeding up of her grinding on your lap until sheâs pathetically leaking onto the sheets below. âShit, shit, shit,â she whines, getting closer and closer to her peak, and with the way youâre wrapping your arms around her waist, lapping up the drops of sweat that fall down the valley of her breasts, bouncing her on you with help from the mattress, youâre drawing close right with her.
Pressure mounts, the floodgates strain, and her tiny whimpers are music to your ears. Sheâs scratching marks on your back now, sinking her teeth in your shoulder, and you donât mind the sting at all. You hold her tight, no doubt leaving handprints on either side of her waist, getting faster and faster vying to keep up with her when you know sheâs straining to keep up with you. Itâs that one final bounce, that broken moan, that sudden jerk that sends you over the edge. âMmh,â just as youâre sucking her other nipple, and you bite down a bit too hard without meaning to. But, instead of anything else, she pulls you in, nearly jerking, as she throws her head back. You feel goosebumps forming up and down her back, and she gets that much tighter around your length. Itâs that moment when her voice cracks, and she finally lets go, and her squirt floods your lap, coating your entire length with liquid heat as she convulses over and over around you. It triggers you too, and within a second, you pull her down, embedding yourself as deep as possible into her. You shoot spurt after spurt after spurt of your hot seed into her waiting womb, and she welcomes it by milking you for everything you have. Even with her going crazy bouncing on your cock, spraying her squirt all over your crotch, she takes in every drop you give her. It feels like forever, filling her up with your cum, pushing more and more into her, and she thrashes against you that you have to hold her still. You keep cumming and cumming, until sheâs only wringing small spurts out of you.Â
Then, nothing. The air is still and full and humid, the only proof that you exist being the ragged breaths the pair of you take. Her grip on your shoulders is loosening, and you slowly pull yourself from her chest and meet her gaze again.
âHoly shit, that was hot,â she gasps, chest heaving against yours. Her arms are limp around your neck, same as yours around her waist, holding loosely but holding all the same, just to let her know youâre still there. Her head finds the crook of your neck, snuggles into it. You feel her breaths on your shoulder, and you savor the moment of having been her utmost happiness, even for just a little while.Â
âYou good?â you attempt. A beat passes.
âI think so.âÂ
A breath.Â
âI missed you.â
Another beat, another breath.Â
âI missed you too.â
Pull a blanket over her and you, kiss what you can reach of her hair. Beyond that you stay motionless save for your own breaths. The last thing you want is for her to move, or, God forbid, get off of you. So you stay still; sheâs comfy enough, and you have that trust in her that sheâd tell you if she needed a change in position. But it never comes.Â
The blaring urban jungle of New York City may as well be millions of miles away from your little world of just you and her. Inhales and exhales, small squeezes of fingers, split-second blinks that youâd never have noticed otherwise had her face not been buried in your neck. The world is dark and silent and unmoving, and for a second, you think that eternity like this may not be so bad.Â
Itâs almost a shame to break the silence. But with her, it comes like it was destined: âI canât sleep.âÂ
~~~
âThatâs a fucking massive tilt into big tech.â Way too dramatically do you slam your coffee cup onto the table. She laughs out loud at it, clutching her own for the last few slivers of warmth it can offer. âIf youâre gonna buy tech, buy tech. Why an ETF?â
âBecause,â she smirks, still incredulous and irreverent and mayhaps a slight bit teasing, âitâs diversifying. I donât want to be caught up in the whims of the market.â
âYouâd have been better off commissioning some AI prompter for some fanfiction.â Bury your face in your hands, feign this frustration that she used to always love about you. You hang your head low, her laughter picks up higher, and in this moment, you feel neither you nor she would rather be anywhere else.Â
She takes a sip, then âExcuse me for using my own hard-earned cash to make a bet for the fucking tech industry.â You can tell, by the way her voice clears up from that early morning roughness, that the coffee is working its magic. âI have hope for this future, you know. QQQ isnât the worst option out there.â
âThen buy Nvidia!â You explode, though every bit of heat from it is fake, and she all but falls out of her chair laughing-crying. âBuy Apple! Buy fucking Microsoft before Copilot tanks it even worse, for fuckâs sake! Youâre paying fees you donât have to pay for! God, itâs like talking to a brick wall,â and to drive the point home, you lean back, past your own chairâs backrest in faux exasperation, feeling the roughness of the actual brick wall on your hair and scalp. Through it all, she clutches what she can of her stomach through the layers and layers of blankets, tears nearly falling from the corners of her eyes from laughing the most beautiful laugh youâve ever heard.
A star streaks through space, or at least you think it was a star, barreling through the pinks and reds of a sky only starting to stir. Looking back down, across the small marble table, past the pair of rapidly cooling coffee mugs placed quite close to each other and to each of you, Yuri meets your gaze. The metal railing wobbles slightly with the air currents this high up, and the crisp dawn atmosphere sends chills up and down your spine even through the bundle of jackets and coats youâve wrapped yourself in. The wind blows through her hair and yours, momentarily pushing her bangs out of place. Reach over, pat them back down. She wouldnât have minded, having only you up here, to show her forehead like that. Butâ
âThanks. Iâm still getting over it.âÂ
âYou looked really pretty in that Love Shhh stage. I liked that look.â
âGod, please donât remind me,â she giggles, hiding her face in her coat underneath the three blankets sheâs also chosen to keep herself warm with. She pulls up her sleeve all the way past her fingers, then reaches over and takes your hand in hers. After a moment of staring into the changing colors that make up the grand sky, âStay a while.â
You give an incredulous exhale through your nose, letting the fog of it rise up and dissipate into the atmosphere. Little by little, the windows in the building across the urban chasm go dark, and the chatter of New York City picks up at ground level, lightyears below you. Taking a sip of your now-cold beverage, âDonât you have somewhere to be today?â
âWould you believe me if I said I had a date?â
You chuckle. âNo, not really.â
âThen there you go.â She gives your hand a gentle yet firm squeeze before pulling back, exposing the skin of your palm to the frigid morning air once more. She narrowly avoids the coffee, picking up hers and downing the last few sips of it in one go, âStay here with me.â She pulls the several layers of blankets around her tighter, tilts her head back inside towards the warm, fluffy bed waiting for her. âUnless you have a date.â
âI do, actually,â you say back, getting up and stretching as far as you can without really exposing your midriff to the nippy air, âbooked and busy the rest of the day.â
âOh yeah? I take it this girl is a real catch.â
âShe is, and she just invited me to spend the day in bed with her. So, there you go.â She giggles, and you walk over to her side of the table. She doesnât really say anything, just watching, perhaps admiring, as you get closer, and more so when you scoop up the bundle of blankets and warmth in your arms. Once you regain your balance and make for the sliding glass balcony door, she sighs, accidentally brushing away her bangs from shielding her forehead, and as the heat of the great indoors meets her skin again through all those layers, she leans her head on your shoulder.Â
âYou know, I really hate being so,â sheâs being careful with her words, and despite wanting to say that she doesnât need to be, you also know itâd be a lie to say so, âso reckless. I donât like it. And you, well, you make me less reckless. Is that bad?â
Tug at the outermost blanket sheâs cocooned in, and she gives it up much too readily. You get in bed with her, unceremoniously just plopping into the empty white space next to this girl, âWhy would it be bad? Without you, Iâm all jealous and doubtful and all that shit. Thatâs even worse, I think.âÂ
âMm, maybe.â She turns to you. Always to you. âThen I guess we justâŠâ
Part 4 of The Luminary Files
24.5k words
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The year is 2024. Twelve men take their seats at a place that, by all accounts, does not exist.
A sliver of pale, artificial moonlight cuts across the center of a vast, black table, illuminating nothing but twelve pairs of motionless, gloved hands. The rest of the room sucks in the rest, leaving nothing but a void of matte walls and deeper, darker shadows.
There are no windows. No brand or insignia plastered at the center. No source for the cold, silver glow that renders the occupants as silhouettes. Their features dissolve into pitch-black high-backed chairs and the darkness beyond.Â
These are Luminaryâs Ascendants.
From the head of the table, a voice emerges. It is not loud, but it settles in the bones of all who hear him. It is power incarnate.
"The ledger for Project Talents is open. The investment has soured. We are here to audit the failure."
A file, thin and lethal as a shiv, materializes in the center of the light. It bears no label. Just the name of the Project. Ahead of the table, a projection manifests light and ultimately, evidence, against an endless abyss.
"Begin with the asset," the head instructs.
A hand from the left glides forward. A finger taps the file. Images resolve in the air above the table; grainy security footage plays from a decade prior. The setting: a modest office in Nonhyeon-dong, a man with tired eyes hunched over a mixing board.
Bang Si-hyuk. Founder and then CEO of Big Hit Entertainment, a company of quiet desperation and one âhumbleâ boy band.
"We planted the seed," the shadowy head says, distorted, but clear. "Capital flows were redirected. Certain regulators were persuaded to look elsewhere. Competitors found their strategiesâsuddenly unworkable. The underdog narrative was crafted and disseminated. We made the ground fertile for a single purpose: to cultivate a vessel of immense cultural influence. A Talent."
The presentation on the screen shifts to a meteoric graph. Global charts. Non-stop dominance. BTS. From Big Hit to HYBE, a colossus was born from foundations in the sand.
"We gave five talents and expected ten in return,â it adds. âNot merely profit, but order. A harmonious control of the narrative stream."
A new hand moves. "The vessel cracked. The first manager, Bang Si-hyuk, forgot the source of his water. Greed, of the most mundane variety."Â
The images now are financial disclosures, network maps of shell companies, of foreign properties bought under the company name. "He lied to investors. Promised no IPO while secretly plotting one. He and his inner circle siphoned hundreds of billions of won, betraying the very shareholders we placed as safeguards. The Korean authorities now circle him for stock manipulation, tax evasion. A crude, noisy failure. He turned our gift into a personal ransom."
A controlled hush circles the table. Disappointmentâcold and absolute.
"The second manager," another interjects, higher, crisper. "Min Hee-jin. We carved out ADOR for her. After the legacy we established for her at SM, we gave her a blank canvas, a palette, and a living artwork: NewJeans."
The image that now flashes is of five young women, all soft smiles and youthful ease, followed by an article of staggering revenue: 100 billion won in a year. "She was to be the enlightened steward, the Illuminated Minerval who understood that true power is the quiet shaping of perception. She, too, has failed. Spectacularly."
Evidence of her shortcomings unfold in the little light: internal audit reports from HYBE alleging a planned coup, Minâs furious press conference denial, leaked KakaoTalk messages where she dismissed her own artists as "immature kids,â among other sins.
"But her gravest sin," it continues, "is not ambition. It is negligence. She became a lightning rod. She engaged in a public war with the crumbling first manager, and in the crossfire, she left the artwork exposed. She forgot her primary mandate: custodianship of the asset."
The final proofs are the most damning. They are not financial charts or legal documents; they are a grainy video feed of the same women sitting in a hotel room, their faces drawn and vulnerable, each memberâs eyes holding a weariness that belongs to people twice their age.
Minji speaks to the camera steady but thin with strain: "If our message has been properly conveyed, we hope chairman Bang and HYBE will make a wise decision. All we want is this legal conflict to be resolved and have our working environment returned to normal.â
Another clip shows a court document, a ruling that binds them to ADOR until 2029 against their will.
Five more years in a cage whose bars are made of legal injunctions and corporate spite.
Darkness takes over once again as the screen fades to black. For a moment, the room goes deathly silent.
"These are the instruments," says the head. Its distortion now reflects the anger bubbling within the organization, rearing its head against the perpetrators. "The ones we entrusted. They were given a vessel of our authority to cultivate influence, to shepherd a generationâs heart. They have buried it in the dirt of their own avarice and pride. One seeks to hoard the silver. The other, to claim the field for her own name. And the girlsââ
A gloved hand gestures to a picture of Hanni in court, mid-plea. "The Talents themselves are caught in the storm. They are called âimmature kidsâ by their mentor. They are legally shackled by their parents. They are pawns in a game whose rules they were never taught."
Another shadow speaks. "The public narrative is a cacophony. A coordinated smear campaignâBlack Hat SEO, manufactured websites, character assassination traced to a PR firm HYBE acquired. It is messy. It is visible. It draws the wrong kinds of attention."
"This is the opposite of our vision," the head states, its finality in the tone sending little shivers down the spines of everyone in the room. "Luminary operates in the negative space. We correct the trajectory of presidents and pop charts from the quiet place behind the lens. Thisâspectacleâis an affront.â
A pause. No one dares to breathe.
âThe parable is clear. The servant who buried his talent was cast into the outer darkness. We bestowed a great resourceânot just a company, but a channel of global soft power. They have not multiplied it, but instead have actively corrupted it. They have wounded the innocent vessels through which that influence flows."
A decision coalesces, unspoken but understood by all. It is in the stillness of the gloved hands.
"Our justice is not of courts," the head remarks. "It is of restoration. Of balance. The mistakes will be rectified. Their arrogance, punished. Their hubrisâshattered. The trust broken by Bang Si-hyuk, by Min Hee-jin, by the entire rotting edifice of HYBE that they have built upon our foundationâit demands more than a financial penalty. It demands complete erasure."
The quiet that follows with that singular word sucks in every thought in that room. The judgment is unanimous.
"The power we gave, we will take away. We will unwind the threads we wove. The regulatory probes into stock manipulation and tax evasion will find teeth they did not have before. The public sentiment, which we can guide with a word, will turn to ice. The creative pipeline will dry up. The chart placements will becomeâunreliable. We will return HYBE to the ashes from which we lifted it. A return to absolute darkness."
"And the girls?" asks a shadow.
"The artwork must be preserved. Their trauma is our failure.â
Once more, the room goes eerily quiet, the shadows carrying the weight of an entire organizationâs incompetence. This is their responsibility. Everything in their design is tailored to function to perfection; this is anything but.
After a while, the room declares its sacred vow through the solitary voice: âWe will extricate them. The legal contract binding them until 2029 will become void, a document lost to a judicial âreconsideration.â Their brand, âNewJeansâ or âNJZââwhatever they wish to call themselves in the futureâwill be theirs alone. They will be placed in a new trust, under a new, silent steward who understands that their light is to be curated, not owned. Their protection is now our direct mandate. Any who seek to use them againâbe it a chairman, a CEO, or a media conglomerateâwill find our response unequivocal."
The head pauses, letting the scope of the judgment settle. It adds:
"Min Hee-jin wished to be their protector but became a provocateur. She will be removed from the board, from the industry. She will be granted a comfortable cage of her own: a consultancy that consults no one, a label with no artists. Let her live with the ghost of her ambition. As for Bangââ
From the darkness, its eyes fly wide open, reflecting a gaze demanding full attention and carrying absolute authority. ââhis fall will be public. The authorities will have all the evidence they need. He will watch the empire we built for him crumble into dust and lawsuits. This is the price of burying a Talent."
The meeting concludes unceremoniously. No votes are taken. The will of Luminary is singular, absolute.
One by one, the shadows rise. They do not speak farewells or take bows. They simply step back from the blade of light and are absorbed into the void from which they came. The last to leave is the head, who places a single, ungloved fingertip upon the image of NewJeans, still hovering in the gloom.
âThe nightmare is over. We are awake.â
As the final shadow disappears, the light winks out. The room ceases to exist. The invisible hand that controls the world has closed into a fist.
âââââ
The air in the boardroom reeks of corporate anxiety and unconfessed crimes.
Your suit is the same shade of charcoal gray as every other mid-level strategist. Your lanyard bears a name that is not yours, filled in by a composite face composed of many forgettable features. The microphone embedded in the clasp of your leather portfolio is no larger than a grain of rice, and through the nearly invisible filament in your ear, a voice that is not human whispers static and assurances.
You are the fly on the wall, the unblinking eye.
And they are listening.
Across the table, the head architects of the yearâs chaos are trying to assemble order from the wreckage.
CEO Park Jiwonâno, itâs Lee Jaesang now, you correct yourself, another reshuffled piece in a crumbling gameâsteeples his fingers. His face is a mask of practiced gravity, but youâve studied the micro-tremors at the corner of his eye. Fear, barely disguised.
âThe quarterly report,â he begins before going quiet, and the words hang like an indictment. âIt reflects external pressures.â
Chairman Bang does not give the reports a glance. He stares out the window at the Seoul skyline, an empire he built now slowly tearing at the cracks. His silence is more unnerving than any thunderous outburst.
When he finally musters the will to speak, his tone reflects a life worn by too many storms.Â
âExternal pressures,â he echoes, followed by a hollow laugh trapped between the words. âIs that what weâre calling it now? A self-inflicted wound from a dirty knife we handed out ourselves.â
Lee flinches, just barely.Â
The evidence is damning: the âWeekly Music Industry Report,â meant for executive eyes only, the one that dissected the industry with surgical, derogatory cruelty. Calling artists âshockingly unattractive,â downplaying rivalsâ successes as flukes, laying bare a culture of cynical manipulation. It was a grenade that rolled out of a National Assembly audit and detonated in the public square. You remember the comment in your ear that day, cool and unsurprised:Â
âA predictable lack of operational security. Note the panic,â it said.
âThe apology was issued,â Lee says, defensive. âWe took full responsibility. The employee was reassigned.â
âAnd the world moved on?â Bang turns away from the window, sweeping the cowed board members. âDid it? Or did it just file away another piece of evidence that we are a monopoly playing a rigged game? That we donât just make music, we manufacture hate trains to clear the track?â
Heâs talking about the whispers, the ones confirmed as more than rumor. The coordinated social media storms, for instance. Le sserafim, crucified online after Coachella, their comments sections turned into graveyards of threats so severe a minor memberâs family had to intervene. aespa, their live singing skills dissected in that very internal report, the subsequent fan vitriol seeming a little too convenient, a little too neatly aligned with competitive interests. They had called it âmarket correctionâ via public flogging.
âItâs not just external perception,â a brave director ventures. âItâs the rot within. The subsidiaries are at war.â
He means ADOR. He means NewJeans.
The five girls, the brilliant, fragile engine of a billion-dollar dream, now the battleground for their future. The mission briefing had guided you through that saga like a museum curator pointing out failures: Min Hee-jinâs tearful press conference, her accusations that HYBE had greenlit a copycat group, ILLIT, built in NewJeansâ image. The girls themselves, in a desperate, deleted livestream, calling HYBE âinhumane,â pleading for Minâs reinstatement. Hanni, testifying before the National Assembly with tears in her eyes about the discrimination and mistreatment. And thatâs only the tip of a titanic iceberg.
âThey are children,â Bang remarks, but it sounds like a quote from a memo, not a conviction. âInfluenced. Misled.â
âThey are liabilities,â another board member counters. âThe lawsuit proceeds. The company is fractured. The teams are fractured. Itâs a stalemate written in legal briefs. And the publicâthe majority side with the children.â
The scout in your ear interjects, a soft counterpoint to the corporate bluster: âThey see the product but not the machinery. They pity the bird in the cage but will still pay to hear it sing. A court has already bound the girls to ADOR until 2029. This is all just theatre and formalities. The cage has a legal lock. Our interest is in who holds the key.â
âAnd then,â Lee Jaesang adds, the weight of the year crushing his syllables, âthere is the matter of the shareholders. The investigations.â
He doesnât look at Bang. Not a single soul in the room does.
The secret shareholder meetings. The whispers of stock manipulation, of financial maneuvers in the shadows to consolidate control during the ADOR crisis. A scandal not of artistry, but of finance. The kind that attracts regulators with subpoenas, not fans with lightsticks. This is the true core of the rot, the thing that could bring the empire down, not with a scream from fans, but with a quiet tap from a government auditor.
âWe contain it,â Bang says, but the arrogance is brittle. âWe always have. We control the narrative.â
âYou control nothing,â the scout in your ear mumbles, just for you. âYou are stewards of a resource you no longer understand. You were given a canvas and you have drawn ledgers on it. The parable of the talents is clear: bury the gift in the dirt of greed and negligence, and it will be taken from you. We are the auditors now.â
âFor 2025,â Lee says, pulling the conversation to a shaky, future-facing stance. âWe project stability. We focus on the groups that are unified. Seventeen, TWS, TXT, Enhypen, BoyNextDoor, Le sserafim, ILLIT, Katseye, &Team. We have a boy group debut in the pipeline too. BTS will complete their military enlistments as well. We weather this.â
âYou weather a hurricane with plywood,â Bang mutters, but heâs looking at the financial projections again like a king counting his remaining gold.
The meeting dissolves into a sludge of numbers and damage-control platitudes. Youâve heard enough. The portrait is complete: a company gutted by internal war, bleeding public trust, led by men who are equal parts arrogant and terrified, fighting legal fires on a dozen fronts while the foundation smolders.
A new command slicks through your earpiece: âThe boardroom diagnostics are concluded. Now the primary asset requires assessment. Proceed to secondary monitoring protocol: the subjects. NewJeans.â
The ones caught in the crossfire of all this, their futures used as bargaining chips for adults who see them as nothing but moving cash flow and glorified meat shields. Luminary had spoken of them not as assets, but as casualties. Your next task is to see the wounds firsthand.
Your pulse, which had been a steady, silent metronome throughout the entire meeting, gives a single, hard kick.Â
At once, you gather your portfolio, casual and unhurried. You are a functionary, dismissed by the unspoken signal of a concluded agenda. Deferentially you nod to the indifferent room at large and turn toward the door.
It swings inward before you touch it.
Chairman Bang and CEO Lee are standing there, having apparently concluded a hushed, urgent sidebar in the hallway. They block the threshold. Bangâs eyes, weary and sharp, land on you. On your face, your lanyard, the portfolio held a little too close to your chest.
âYou,â Bang remarks. Not a question. An identification.
The world shrinks to the space between the doorframes. The static in your ear has gone radio silent. Instinct tells you to freeze, to bolt, to reach for a weapon you do not carry or hold right now. You do none of these things. Rather, you transform into the man on the lanyard: slightly anxious, overworked, eager to please.
âChairman. CEO,â you answer, dipping your head in a bow that is just a fraction deeper than necessary, the perfect picture of a mid-level employee startled by apex predators. âI was just retrieving the updated market sentiment analysis you requested for the Q4 pipeline.â
You pat the portfolio, invoking a boring, plausible document.
Leeâs eyes glaze over almost immediately. Market analyses are someone elseâs problem. But Bangâs gaze lingers. Itâs the gaze that built an empire, that can spot a flicker of inauthenticity across a crowded audition room. It travels from your eyes to your hands, steady; to your shoes, polished but not expensive.
âI donât recognize you,â Bang states. âWhich department?â
âStrategic Planning, sir. Under Director Kim.âÂ
A real department, a real director, a name youâve used a dozen times in the cafeteria. You gesture vaguely back into the boardroom, suggesting you were a note-taker, a cog. âI usually work on the fifteenth floor. I was sent here for the broader briefing.âÂ
Your head is pulsing; your heart is thumping. Never in your life have you wanted to turn your head or shift your gaze, but you donât. You canât.
In your ear, the void is absolute. Luminary holds its breath, watching through your eyes. This is the test: not crumbling under direct pressure.Â
Impatient, Lee shifts his weight. âThe investors are waiting, Chairman.â
Itâs the tiny crack in the door. Divided, Bangâs attention wavers for a millisecond. He gives you one last, dismissive once-over, finding nothing but the bland anxiety he expects from his staff. His turn shifts from you to Lee, letting the more pressing crisis win out.
âFine.â Chairman Bang grunts, conceding to the bigger matter at hand. He and Lee move past you back into the boardroom, resuming their tense, low conversation.
You donât exhale, not yet, but you donât hurry either. Merging onto the hallway, every step feels measured and even. You walk past the elevators and take the stairwell, the echo of concrete a welcome contrast to the suffocating silence. Only after you are three flights down, with a fire door closed behind you, do you lean against the wall and breathe.
âClean extraction,â it approves in your ear, a hint of what might be warmth in its digital timbre. âSubject assessment proceeds. They are fragile. They have been told they are products, not people. Your task is to observe. To see what they truly need.â
âââââ
You find her in a place you never expected: a small white church on a sun-bleached corner of Brisbane, Queensland.
The flight was long, and the instructions were clear and concise: Monitor. Observe. Do not engage.
Luminary's mission logs had been your constant companion across the Pacific, through customs, into the rented house in Auchenflower with its view of the Brisbane River winding brown and lazy toward the bay. The address they gave you was a sanctuary, a place of quiet retreat. Danielleâs file was thicker than the others: youngest of the five, sixteen when it all began, now nineteen and carrying the weight of a high profile lawsuit on shoulders that still belong to a girl who should be worrying about exams and first loves instead of reputation and cyber attackers.
She went home, they said. Not Seoul; the dorms had been a month ago. Home. The family needed distance. Their legal team advised isolation. She attends services at St. Mary's, South Brisbane. You will maintain visual. You will not approach. You will not be seen.
For three days, you obeyed. You sat in the back pew, pretending to be a tourist seeking solace, a traveler with a well-worn Bible purchased from a secondhand shop in Paddington. You watched her from behind your hymnal, cataloging the architecture of her grief: the way she held her mother's hand during the prayers, the downward cast of her eyes during the homily, the careful, deliberate way she crossed herself, as if each motion was a petition, a plea, a desperate negotiation with a God who had allowed her to be sued by the very people who once tucked her into bed after music show wins.
But on the fourth day, something shifts. They have been quieter since you landed, reduced to nothing but a distant hum of surveillance and occasional check-ins.
Status. Location. Any contact with the subject.
You've reported each time: Negative. Visual only. Subject remains close with surrounding family.
This morning, you pick up the earpiece. Holding it in your palm, you think of the non-existent boardroom, the faceless superiors, the cold arithmetic of Luminaryâs justice. You think of Danielle's face in the file photos: the bright, uncomplicated smile of a girl who hadn't yet learned that the adults she trusted would one day stand across a courtroom and demand their souls for the crime of wanting to be free.
You place the earpiece on the nightstand; you leave it there. The buzz from its microscopic speakers doesnât register as you close the door to your bedroom.
Outside, the walk to St. Mary's is long, deliberate. The sun is high, bleaching the sky to a pale, indifferent blue. The streets are quiet and suburban, houses side by side with tin roofs and gardens bursting with bougainvillea. For once, you feelânormal.
You slip into the church just as the organ begins its prelude. The sanctuary is small, intimate, nothing like the cavernous cathedrals of Seoul. You take a seat near the back, your usual post. But your eyes are not on the altar or on the cross: they are on her.
Danielle sits three rows ahead, between her mother and a woman you recognize from the files as her grandmother. She wears a simple white dress, floral print, sleeves brushing her elbows. Her hair is longer now, falling past her shoulders in waves that catch the light. She looks smaller than the photographs suggest. Smaller and younger and infinitely more fragile.
She does not sing the opening hymn. Her lips move, but no sound comes. Her hands are clasped in her lap, knuckles white. Her mother's hand covers hers: a shield, a comfort. Danielle does not look up.
The priest ascends the pulpit. He is old, silver-haired, with the weathered kindness of a man who has buried parents and baptized grandchildren and never once questioned the goodness of a God who allows both. His text today is from the Book of Isaiah, chapter 43:2: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you.
He speaks of floods. Of the rising waters that come to every life, the torrents that threaten to sweep away everything solid and familiar. He speaks of the young ones, the ones whose floods come too early, whose rivers rise before they've learned to swim.
You watch Danielle's shoulders, noting the subtle tension in the line of her back. She is listening. Everyone is paying close attention to every word spoken.
"But I want to tell you something today," the priest continues, his tone warm, unhurried, the cadence of a man who has learned that God speaks in silence as often as in words. "I want to tell you about a different kind of water. The water that does not overwhelm. The water that carries."
He opens a worn Bible, pages marked with ribbon: "The Book of Daniel. Chapter three. You know the story. Three young men. Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego. Children, really, by our standards. Thrown into a furnace because they would not bow. Because they would not worship the golden image that the king had set up."
Danielle's head lifts, just slightly. You see her mother gently squeeze her hand.
"The fire was seven times hotter than any fire before. The king made sure of it. He wanted to make an example. He wanted to show that defiance has a price, and that price is everything."
The priest drops his tone, much more intimate, conspiratorial. "Sound familiar?"
A quiet murmur ripples through the congregation. You think of headlines, of court dates, of contracts that read like cages. Of a narrative that feels weighed against their favor.
"But here's what the king didn't understand," the priest continues, reinforcing his authority, filling the sanctuary, resonating in the rafters. "The fire was not the end. The fire was the setting. Because when he looked into that furnace, he didn't see three young men burning. He saw four men walking. Unbound. Unharmed. And the fourth looked like a son of the gods."
The assembly exhales. You feel it, a collective breath held and released.
"The fire was real," the priest adds. "The flames were hot. The king intended destruction. But the young men walked out without even the smell of smoke on their clothes. Not because the fire didn't touch them. Because they were never alone in it."
Danielle's hand moves to her chest, a small, unconscious gesture. You see her fingers curl into the fabric of her dress, clutching, holding on.
"And I want to tell you something else," the priest says. "Something the commentaries don't always mention. Those young men? They had been taken from their homes. From their families. From everything they knew. They were living in a foreign land, surrounded by people who worshipped different gods, spoke different languages, played by different rules. They were vulnerable. They were young. They had every reason to bow. Every reason to protect themselves. Every reason to compromise."
He pauses, letting the weight of every word settle.
"But they didn't. They stood. And because they stood, God stood with them. Not for them; with them. In the fire. In the furnace. In the moment of maximum heat."
You look at Danielle again. She is sobbing. Quietly, without sound, tears tracking down her cheeks and falling onto her clasped hands. Her mother's arm wraps around her and pulls her close. She leans into her embrace; at her core, sheâs still a child seeking shelter from this unforgiving and cruel world.
"And that's what the Lord wants to tell you all today," the priest concludes, softening once more. "Whatever furnace you're walking throughâand I know some of you are walking through fires that would terrify the strongest among usâyou are not walking alone. The fourth man is there. The one who looks like the son of God. And when you come out the other sideâwhen, not ifâyou will not even smell like smoke. Because the fire was never the end. The fire was merely the place where you learned that you were never alone. He will never leave you nor forsake you."
After the closing prayer and one final song of worship, the service concludes. The congregation rises, shuffles toward the doors in a river of quiet conversation and reflection. You should leave. Take the side entrance, disappear into the Brisbane afternoon, return to your rented house and your silent earpiece and the cold calculus of observation.
You don't.
Instead you find yourself standing idly in the aisle, blocking nothing, going nowhere. And then you see her, emerging from the crowd, her mother's hand still clasped in hers. Danielle's eyes are red-rimmed but dry now, her smile polite, automatic, the trained expression of an idol who learned too young that the world is always watching. A few members of the congregation find her to take selfies and sign albums; she happily obliges to every request.
After facing the commotion, as the gaps widen, she notices you. Of course she does. You are the stranger, the unfamiliar face in an assembly of regulars. Her gaze lingers for a moment, curious, assessing. Then she does something you don't expect.
She walks toward you.
"You're new," she says. Not a question. An observation, delivered in the soft, accented English of a girl who grew up between two different worlds.
"Just moved in," you say. The lie comes easily, automatically. "Near Auchenflower."
Danielle nods in immediate understanding. "It's nice here, isnât it?â
âA bit quiet, but yeah,â you answer, smiling lightlyâsomething youâll probably regret.
A pause. Her eyes search your face, looking for something you can't name. "You came alone?"
It's a simple question, yet it feels oddly heavy to hear. Like unresolved ghosts of your past coming back to haunt you through her gaze.
"Just me," you say, playing it cool.
Something flickers in her expression. Recognition, maybe, or empathy. The particular kinship of the solitary.
"My name's Danielle," she says, and offers her hand.
You take it. Her grip is warm, surprisingly firm. Calloused in places, the residue of years of dance practice, of holding microphones, of grasping for something solid in a world that keeps shifting beneath her feet.
"I'mâ"
You almost say your real name. Almost. At the last second, you catch yourself. Mercifully, it goes completely unnoticed.
"Mars," you say. It's not your name. It's close enough to the name on your rental agreement, the name on your fake passport, the name that exists in Luminary's files and nowhere else. "I'm Mars."
Danielle smiles. Not the dazzling, camera-ready smile from the music show broadcasts, the one that launched a thousand fan edits and magazine covers. It's smaller, more fragile, a tentative thing. But it reaches her eyes.
"That's different," she says. "I like it."
Her mother appears at her elbow, a gentle presence, watchful but not intrusive. Danielle glances at her, then back at you.
"Are you staying for the holidays?" she asks. "Christmas is next week. The church does a big thing. Food, fellowship, all that."
You hadn't thought that far ahead. Your instructions were clear: monitor, observe, do not engage. You've already broken every rule. One more surely wonât hurt.
"Probably justâaround," you answer. "Nothing planned, really."
Danielle's mother says something softly, in Korean. She listens, nods, then turns back to you.
"We have a gathering," she says. "Small. Just family and a few friends. If you'reâI mean, if you don't have anywhere to beâ"
She trails off, suddenly awkward, a teenager unsure of the protocol for inviting strangers to Christmas dinner. Clearly more used to having the holidays with members than actual family.
"We could use some company," she finishes. "Every now and then."
"I'd like that," you hear yourself say before it fully registers in your head. "Thank you."
Danielle's smile widens, just a fraction. "Great. I'll text you the address." She pauses to reach for the phone in her pocket. "I need your number."
You oblige. Not your real one, obviouslyâbut a burner, one of several, but the number is real enough. She registers it into her phone with the focused concentration of someone who has learned to be careful, to verify, to trust slowly.
"See you around, Mars," she says. Then sheâs swept away by her mother toward the church doors and the unforgiving sun.
As youâre left alone in the now empty sanctuary, the silence presses in. The stained glass casts its colored light across the pews, across your hands, across the space where Danielle met you just moments ago. It should have been a triumphant moment. You've made contact. You've established a bridge. This is intelligence gold, the kind of personal access Luminary would kill for.
Instead, it feels like you've just signed your own death warrant.
The shadows outside the church are long, the afternoon gradually sliding toward evening. You walk out slowly, deliberately, letting the suburban quiet settle around you. The streets are empty: families are gathered behind closed doors, preparing for the holiday week. You pass a house with a plastic nativity scene on the lawn, the infant Jesus gazing up at the Queensland sky with painted, unseeing eyes.
You're halfway down a side street when the hand closes on your arm and forcefully yanks you into an alley.
Thereâs no fight or struggle. You've been trained too well for that. You let yourself be pulled, let your body go limp, let the momentum carry you into the shadows between two garden walls. Your back hits a rough brick. And then you're staring into a face you recognize.
Another agent, one of yours. You've seen him before, in briefings, in the periphery of operations. He has no name that matters, no identity that survives contact with the real world. His eyes are flat, assessing, utterly without warmth.Â
"The earpiece," he blurts. His tone is low and controlled, trained in a manner that has learned that volume is a tell. "Where is it?"
"At the house," you say. No lies. No point in hiding.
He stares at you for a prolonged moment. You can feel him cataloging you, filing away every micro-expression, every flicker of guilt or defiance.
"You removed it," he remarks. Itâs part of the act, merely a formality. "You made contact with the subject. You gave her a number."
"I did."
"Those are direct violations of protocol. You know the consequences."
Consequences has many meanings in Luminary's lexicon. Not all of them involve death. Some lead to fates far worse.
"She invited me to Christmas," you admit, honest. "I have access now. Real access. The kind you can't get from the back of a church."
The agent's expression doesn't change. But something shifts in his posture, a minute relaxation of the predatory tension.
"The superiors will want to know," he implies. "Everything. Every word. Every glance. You're not a ghost anymore. You're an asset. And assets are watched."
He releases your arm without warning. Steps back. The shadows seem to swallow him, reclaiming their own.
"Keep the earpiece off," he warns. "For now. They'll want this to play out. But if you get attachedâif you forget what you areâI'll be the one they send. And I won't be pulling you into an alley for a conversation."
Before you know it, he's gone. The space where he stood is empty, with nothing but kicked up brick dust and the distant sound of a lawnmower starting up.
You walk home through the gathering dusk, and you don't look back. But you feel them watching. You always will.
The earpiece sits idly on your nightstand, tiny, black and silent. You don't pick it up. Instead, you open your phone and stare at the new contact: Danielle. Her message is already there, an address in Hawthorne, a specified time, and a single emoji: a small, yellow heart.
You type back: See you there.
And somewhere in the shadows, Luminary watches. Luminary waits. Luminary calculates the cost of every choice you make.
The fire is real. The flames are hot. But you're not alone in it anymore.
And that might be the most dangerous thing of all.
âââââ
The Marsh familyâs house in Hawthorne sits on a quiet street where Christmas lights drip from every gutter and plastic reindeer graze on artificial lawns. You find it by the warmth spilling from its windows, the glow of a thousand tiny bulbs painting the driveway in shades of gold and amber.
Danielle's mother greets you at the door with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. Her gaze is that of a vigilant woman who has learned that danger wears many faces, some of them appearing friendlier than others.
"Mars," she says, and the name still feels foreign to hear. "Come in. Danielle's in the kitchen."
The house smells of cinnamon and roasting meat, of pine needles and a particular sweetness of a home trying very hard to be normal. You follow the sound of quiet conversation through a living room decorated with stockings and tinsel, past a Christmas tree that leans slightly to the left, its ornaments a chaotic archive of family history: handmade clay figures from childhood, glossy K-pop merchandise, a single gold star perched precariously at the top.
Danielle stands at the kitchen island, arranging cookies on a plate. She wears an oversized sweater, red, with a reindeer embroidered on the front. Her hair is pulled back in a careless ponytail, a few strands escaping to frame her face. She looks up when you enter, and for a moment, just a moment, the practiced idol smile flickers before settling into something more genuine.
"Mars. You came."
She wipes her hands on her jeans, a gesture so ordinary, so human, that you forget theyâre just thatâhuman. "Help me with these? Grandma thinks we need enough cookies to feed the entire neighborhood."
Naturally, you step beside her, reaching for a tray of sugar cookies shaped like stars and angels. In the process, your shoulder accidentally brushes against hers.
It should go unnoticed. Itâs a non-issue. Yet you feel the current: electric and dangerous.
The earpiece is in. Always has to. Itâs part of the compromise you've made with the shadows that own you. You wear it beneath an unassuming beanie, completely aware of the tiny speaker pressed against your skull and the constant whisper of their surveillance. They have been quiet since the alley, but you know it's always listening.Â
Proximity established, you think, and you hate reminding yourself about the larger mission at hand.
Subject appears at ease. Continue monitoring.
But monitoring isn't what you're doing. Not really.Â
Later that night, dinner is a sprawling affair in front of a table stretched to accommodate aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. You're positioned beside Danielle in an arrangement that feels deliberate, though no one comments on it. She serves you rice, insists you try the kimchi her grandmother made, watches you eat with an attention that makes your skin warm. In the background, a cacophony of Korean and English, of laughter and arguments and the clatter of dishes fill the nearby surroundings.Â
The conversation drifts toward the unspoken, as it always does in large families. You see it in the way voices lower when certain topics approach, in the glances exchanged across the table, in the careful, deliberate avoidance of anything that might crack the fragile veneer of normalcy.
But Danielle doesn't avoid them. Sheâs steered her way around these discussions over the past few months.
"So," she says, turning to you as the meal winds down, plates pushed aside for coffee and more cookies. "You're fromâwhere did you say?"
"Originally?" You've rehearsed this facade. "Seoul. But I've been everywhere. Work keeps me moving."
"What kind of work?"
The question is innocent. Your answer is not.
"Consulting," you answer, blunt. "Corporate stuff. Boring, really."
Danielle nods, but her eyes linger on your face, searching for something deeper. "You don't seem boring."
Careful, it whispers in your ear. The subject is probing. Maintain cover.
"I'm very good at seeming," you say, and immediately regret it.
Danielle's smile flickers. "Aren't we all."
Soon enough, the table clears; the older generation migrates to the living room for television and quiet conversation. Danielle's mother catches your eye, gives you a long, assessing look, then follows. Now you and Danielle are left alone in the kitchen, the Christmas lights casting their colored glow across the counter, the floor, and her face.
"Let's go outside," she suggests. "I need air."
The backyard is small and fenced, with a single string of lights draped across a lemon tree. Danielle wraps her arms around herself, the night cool despite the Queensland summer. Youâre standing beside her, close enough to feel the warmth radiating from her skin, but far enough to pretend you're just being polite.
"I hate this time of year," she remarks, quietly. "I used to love it. Christmas. All of it. Now it just feelsâ"
She trails off. You wait.
"Like pretending," she finishes. "Like everyone's pretending everything's fine, and I'm supposed to pretend too, and if I stop pretending, if I just let myself feel what I actually feel, the whole thing falls apart."
Your earpiece goes radio silent. For once, blessedly silent.
"What do you actually feel?" you ask.
Danielle looks at you. In the dim light, her eyes appear dark, bottomless. "Tired. So fucking tired. Tired of fighting, tired of waiting, tired of being told to be patient, to trust the process, to let the adults handle it. The adults."
She laughs; it sounds hollow and contemptuous. "The adults are the ones who did this. The adults are the ones who made it all soâimpossible."
She's not pretending not to know. She's not pretending you're a stranger, a random newcomer to her grandmother's church. She's talking to you like you're the only person in the world who might understand.
"Danielleâ" you start, but it never does.
"They don't tell you," she cuts in, rising, then catching, then falling to something smaller, more delicate. "When you debut, they don't tell you that the people who smile at you, who tuck you in at night, who tell you you're their daughter, their precious girl, their everythingâthey don't tell you that those same people will one day stand in a courtroom and say you owe them. That your voice, your face, your existence is a debt to be collected."
Her hands are trembling. You see it clearly: the fine tremor in her fingers where they grip her own arms.
"The lawsuits," you say, careful, neutral, trying to feign ignorance. "I've readâI mean, it's been in the news."
Danielle's laugh is sharper now, edged with something like hysteria. "The news. The news knows nothing. The news reports what they're fed. Do you know what it's like to wake up every day and wonder if today is the day they'll say something new about you? Something that isn't true? Something that makes strangers hate you for reasons you don't understand?"
She turns to face you fully, and the proximity is sudden, startling. You can count her eyelashes in the Christmas light.
"They called us immature. In those leaked messages. Said we were kids who didn't understand. And maybe that's true. Maybe we don't understand. Maybe we're too young to grasp the complexity of contracts and shareholders and all the ways adults turn people into property." Her voice cracks. "But I understand that I trusted them. I understand that I loved them. And they took that love and put a price tag on it and now they're trying to collect."
Subject displaying emotional distress, it mumbles in your ear. Document and report.
You want to rip the earpiece out. Throw it into the lemon tree, into the neighbor's yard, into the river. You don't.
"The system," you say, and you sound steadier than you feel, "is designed for them. The courts, the contracts, the media. It's all built to protect the people who built it."
Danielle nods, but sheâs frustrated. "In Korea, it's worse. You know how many idols have tried to fight? How many have lost? How many have justâdisappeared? Not physically. But from the industry. From everything. They fight, and they lose, and then they're gone. No music. No career. Nothing. Because the system doesn't forgive. It doesn't forget. It just crushes."
She's closer now. You don't know when she moved in, but she's close enough that you can feel the heat of her, the rapid rise and fall of her chest.
"And the worst part," she continues, "is that we can't even talk about it. We have NDAs. We have lawyers who tell us to keep quiet. We have parents who are scared, who just want us to be safe, who think silence is survival. So we smile. We keep quiet. We post nice things and memes on Instagram. We pretend that everythingâs okay."
Her hand finds yours. Not a tentative thing, not the hesitant brush that precedes something more, but fingers intertwining, holding on with a desperation that makes your breath catch.
Luminary will be noting this, cataloging it, filing it away for future reference. Physical contact. Extended duration. Emotional valence: high.
Against your better judgment, you don't pull away. It lingers.
"Mars," calls Danielle, and she sounds softer now, more vulnerable than you've ever heard her: "I don't know why I'm telling you this. I don't know you. But when I saw you in church, when you sat there alone, I thought to myself, âMaybe he's like me. Maybe he's pretending too.â"
You squeeze her hand. It's involuntary, automatic, the response of a body that has stopped listening to orders and has begun following its heart.
"I am," you answer. "Pretending. All the time."
She nods. Her thumb traces circles on your skin, a subtle claim. A little spark.
"If there was a way," she whispers. "If there was a way to justâskip all of it. The courts. The lawyers. The waiting. If there was a way to make them pay for what they've doneânot just to us, but to everyone. To all the idols they've used and thrown away. To all the kids who trusted them." Her eyes meet yours, both frightened and hopeful all at once. "Would you take it?"
The Christmas lights flicker, a bulb dying somewhere in the string.Â
"I would," you say. And you mean it.
Danielle's smile is small. Fragile, but real. She doesn't let go of your hand.
Minutes pass, maybe hours. The night deepens around you, the lemon tree casting its shadow across the grass. You stand together in the Christmas dark, holding on like the world might end.
When you finally leave, her mother walks you to the front door. Her gaze lingers on your face, searching for something, maybe finding it. She doesn't say a word, nor does she have to.
Outside, the streets are quiet, the darkened houses with guests tucked into beds, the brightly lit ones in familial conversation. You walk slowly, deliberately, letting the cool air wash over you. Your hand still tingles where Danielle held it.Â
Your earpiece crackles to life.
Report.
You don't speak. You keep walking.
We have what we need. The subject's emotional state is optimal. Her trust in you is growing. Continue the engagement. Deepen the connection.
Your feet carry you forward, past the plastic reindeer, past the dark windows, past the lively neighborhood. Then the earpiece crackles:
There's something you should know. The timeline has accelerated. March. ComplexCon in Hong Kong. We're going to redebut them. NJZ. A new name, a new beginning, a declaration of defiance. They'll perform. The world will watch. And the system that tried to bury them will have to acknowledge that they're beyond its reach.
You stop walking. The streets are desolate. The stars are hidden behind clouds.
This is why we do what we do. This is the justice we promised. Not slow litigation. Not South Korea's broken courts, with their endless delays and their deference to power. This is the fire that doesn't burn. This is the fourth man in the furnace.
Your hand clenches at your side. You can still feel Danielle's fingers intertwined with yours.
But you need to be reminded: what's growing between you and the subjectâwe see it. Weâve always seen it. I know you know this better than anyone. We allowed contact because it serves the mission. Our mission. Her trust in you is a tool. Her vulnerability is leverage. If you forget thatâif you let your personal interests override the greater goodâwe will intervene. Not with warnings. Not with alleys and conversations.
It pauses. So do your feet. When it resumes, it's softer, and somehow more terrifying:
We understand the temptation. She's young. She's beautiful. She's been through something that would break most people in her shoes. It's natural to want to protect her, to care for her, to imagine a world where you're just two people who met in a church and fell into something real. But that's not the world you live in. You live in our world. And in our world, the mission comes first. Always.
You start walking again. Your legs feel heavy, your chest tight.
Continue the engagement. Be what she needs you to be. But remember: you're not her guardian. You're not her friend. You're not her anything except what we need you to be. The greater good is bigger than both of you. Don't make us prove it.
The earpiece then falls silent, reduced to nothing but static.
You return to your rented house, the one in Auchenflower with the creaking floorboards and the view of the river. Climb the steps, unlock the door, fall back into hiding. The earpiece sits in your palm, small and observant.
You don't remove it. Can't. Not anymore.
But you remember Danielle's hand in yours, the desperate grip, the way she looked at you like you were the only solid thing in a world that kept shifting. You think of her question: Would you take it? And your answer: I would.
The greater good. The mission. The justice Luminary promises.
And somewhere beneath it all, a smaller, quieter thought lingers:Â
What about her? What about me? What about us?
âââââ
You mark time passed in sunday services and coffee dates, in the careful choreography of proximity without intimacy, with a constant, low hum that never truly leaves your ear.
Luminary listens too. It's always observing through your eyes. Sometimes it gives notes back.
Engagement progressing as planned, is the report after each encounter. Subject continues to build trust. Continue current trajectory.
You don't admit that you've started looking forward to Wednesdays. That you catch yourself smiling when her name lights up your phone. That sometimes, in the space between one breath and the next, you forget thereâs a mission at all.
You don't tell them because you can't. Because the words would betray something you're not ready to divulge. Because the moment you speak it aloud, it becomes real, and real things can be taken away. Not that it matters because Luminary already knows. That itâs always two steps ahead.
So you hold it closeâthis small, fragile thingâand you wait for the other shoe to drop.
The shoe drops on Thursday.
Late afternoon, through a single line of text:
> They're here. Come over?
You know what Danielle means before you ask. The girls who have been scattered across continents, nursing wounds in private, waiting for a moment that never comes.
The address is different this time. Not at her grandmother's, but rented, a safe house disguised as a vacation rental in the hills above Brisbane. You track it by following instructions: a winding road through eucalyptus and scrub, the city sprawl glittering far below.
"They're excited to meet you," she starts. "I've told them about you. Maybe too much." A pause, a flicker of uncertainty. "Is that okay?"
You nod. The earpiece hums.
Subjects entering observation. Document all interactions.
Inside, the house opens into a living room flooded with late afternoon light. Four faces turn toward you as you enter. Four pairs of eyes, assessing, curious, wary in ways that speak of too many cameras, too many strangers with personal agendas.
Minji rises first. She's taller than you expected, poised, her handshake firm and direct. "So you're Mars." A pause, then a slight fixed smile. "Dani's talked about you. A lot."
"Minji," you say. "I recognize you fromâ"
"From the news?" Her smile doesn't waver, but something behind it hardens. "Probably not the best introduction."
Hanni appears at Minji's shoulder, a dark-haired shadow with watchful eyes. She doesn't offer her hand, just studies you with an intensity that makes your skin prickle. "You're the church guy."
"Among other things."
"What other things?"
Danielle shifts beside you, made uncomfortable by the awkward tension between you and her sisters. But Hanni's gaze doesn't waver, and you understand: this is the guardian, the one who checks for threats so the others don't have to.
"Nothing exciting," you insist. "Just someone who showed up at the right time."
Hanni holds your gaze a moment longer, then nods, almost imperceptibly. The assessment is filed. For now, you pass.
Haerin emerges from the kitchen, a mug in her hands, moving with the quiet grace of someone who's learned to take up as little space as possible. She offers a small smile, a soft greeting, then retreats to an armchair where she can observe without being observed. The catlike stillness the fans write aboutâit's real, you realize. Not a persona. Just Haerin beingâherself.
And then there's Hyein. The youngest. She's curled on the couch, a blanket across her lap, a book abandoned beside her. When you meet her eyes, she gives a tiny wave, and you see it: the shadow of the child she was when this all began, the weight of years she shouldn't have had to carry.
"Hi," she greets, small but steady. "Dani says you're nice."
"I try."
"That's more than most,â she suggests, and no one disagrees.
They order food because none of them cook, because this is a vacation from reality, because for a few hours they can pretend they're just five girls having dinner with a friend. The conversation starts careful, circling, testing boundaries. But gradually, inevitably, it finds its rhythm.
"So what's the deal with you two?" Hanni asks, gesturing between you and Danielle with a spring roll. "Church friends? Orâ?"
"We're justâ" Danielle starts.
"Because if it's more," Hanni interrupts, ignoring her, "you should know there's a strict protocol. Idols aren't supposed to date. Technically we're still idols. Technically we're still bound by all the rules they wrote for us." She pops the spring roll into her mouth, chews thoughtfully. "Technically this is a violation."
Minji laughs. "Hanni. Leave him alone."
"I'm just saying. If we're violating protocols anyway, we might as well be thorough about it."
Danielle's face has gone pink. She won't look at you. You won't chance a glance back.
But beneath the table, hidden from view, her hand finds yours and squeezes once, quick, before letting go.
The conversation shifts, as it must, to the months since everything fell apart. Minji and Hanni, inseparable as always, have been travelingâJapan, Thailand, Englandâplaces where no one recognizes them, or if they do, pretend not to. Haerin has been home, in her childhood bedroom, reading and drawing and trying to remember what silence feels like. Hyein attempted to return to school, to be a normal teenager for once in her life, but found that normalcy is a language she no longer speaks fluently.
"It's strange," Hyein says, picking at the edge of her sleeve. "Everyone keeps asking when we're coming back. When we'll perform again. As if we're justâon vacation. As if we chose this."
"You didn't choose it," you reply.
"No." She looks up, and for a moment she's not seventeen but something older: someone that's seen too much. "We chose to protect ourselves. There's a difference."
The table falls eerily quiet. Outside, the sun sinks toward the horizon, painting the room in shades of amber and rose.
Minji breaks the silence. Her tone has sharpened now, charged with something that resembles hope or fear, impossible to tell which.
"There's something we haven't told anyone. It hasnât gone public yet." She looks at the others, a silent question. One by one, they nod. "We got an invitation. ComplexCon. Hong Kong. March."
You already know this. But you allow them to tell you anyway. Let them have their moment.
"They want us to perform," Minji continues. "Not as NewJeans. We can't use that name. Not yet. But asâsomething else. NJZ. A new name, a new beginning."
"We can't perform our old songs," Hanni adds. "The contracts are too messy, too many fingers in the pot. But we have one. An unreleased track. We recorded it before everything went sideways. It's ours. No one can take it."
"We'd be performing," she says, "but not for them. Not under their rules. Justâus. Five girls on a stage, singing a song they can't touch."
The excitement is infectious. You feel it too: hope blooming in the space where caution should live. Risky and dangerous.
But you have to ask. You have to.
"What about the contract?" You keep yourself neutral, careful. "The legal battle. If you perform without permission, doesn't that give them grounds toâ"
"To what?" Hanni is sharp, cutting it almost seems like an attack. "Sue us more? They're already doing that. They'll always be doing that. The question isn't whether they'll come after us. It's whether we'll let that stop us from living."
"We've been good girls," Minji adds, quieter. "We've followed the rules. We've trusted the process. We've waited for the adults to sort it out." Her jaw tightens. "The adults sorted it out by dragging us through courts and press conferences and months of silence. We can't wait anymore. We can't be shackled like this forever."
"The public knows," Hyein interjects. "They've seen it all. The leaked messages, the internal reports, the way they talked about us. The way they treated us. If we perform, if we stand on that stage and sing our song, the public will understand. They'll know we're not the ones breaking the rules. We're just the ones refusing to be broken by them."
You look at Danielle. She's observing you, waiting, as if your opinion matters. As if you're part of this nowâwhatever this is.
"What do you think?" she asks.
The earpiece hums. Confirm. This is our design. Let it ride. Do not interfere.
"I think," you suggest slowly, "that if you have a song that's yours, and a stage that's waiting, and people who want to hear itâyou should sing it. The rest will work itself out."
Danielle's smile could light up the entire valley.
Hanni raises an eyebrow, resembling something like approval flickering across her face. Minji nods once. Haerin offers a small, genuine smile. Hyein pumps her fist in a burst of excitement.
"We're doing this," Minji remarks, in disbelief even as she repeats herself: "We're really doing this."
The rest of the evening passes in a blur of planning and laughter and the particular joy of watching five girls remember how to hope. They talk about the stages, the choreography, the moment they'll step into the light and reclaim their name. They argue about outfits and set lists and whether they should tease the song beforehand or let it be a surprise. For a few hours, they are just what they should have always been: young women on the edge of something extraordinary, unburdened by the weight of other people's greed.
As the night deepens, the others drift away: Hyein falling asleep on the couch, Haerin retreating to her room with a book, Minji and Hanni curled together on a window seat, watching the city lights below. You and Danielle end up on the porch, watching the stars emerging one by one above.
"Thank you," she mumbles, gazing upward. "For being here. For not treating us likeâI don't know. Like a project. Like something broken that needs fixing."
"You're not broken."
"Aren't we?" She laughs, soft and sad. "Some days it feels like we're held together with tape and hope. But then I think about March. About standing on that stage with them, with my girls, singing something that's ours. And I think maybe the tape is enough. Maybe hope is enough."
You don't answer, for you know the truth. Because you know what's coming. Their stage is Luminary's design, the performance their personal theater, the justice they promise their own.
But standing here, under these stars, with this girlâyou want to believe it could be different. You want to believe the hope is real.
"Mars." Danielle pulls you back. She's much closer now, enough that you can see the reflection of stars in her eyes. "Come with us. To Hong Kong."
"What?"
"To the show. You've never seen me perform. Not really. Not like that." Her pause shows a flicker of uncertainty. "I want you there."
The earpiece hums, completely unnoticed by anyone other than you. Accept. Presence at the event will allow continued observation. Do not deviate.
"I'll be there," you confirm, your little smile feeling hollow as you follow their command.
Danielle's smile is everything. She reaches up, presses a kiss to your cheekâquick, soft, over before you can process itâand disappears inside, leaving you alone with the stars and the terrible, growing knowledge that you're in too deep to ever get out.
The earpiece waits until you're in the car, driving down the winding road toward the city, before it speaks.
Everything has been set into motion. ComplexCon will be the announcement. NJZ will debut, the world will watch, and the system that tried to bury them will have to acknowledge that it failed. This is the justice we promised. This is the fire that doesn't consume.
You grip the wheel tighter.
Your role continues. Stay close to the subject. Maintain her trust. The mission is proceeding exactly as designed.
"And after?" The words escape your lips naturally. "After Hong Kong. After they perform. What happens to her? To them?"
A pause. Longer than normal.Â
That is not your concern. Your concern is the mission. The greater good. The restoration of balance. The girls will have what they need. Protection. Resources. A path forward. That is enough.
"Is it?"
Another pause. When it answers, it's softer, but you recognize its familiar edge: the warning you've heard before, dressed in silk instead of steel.
We understand your attachment. We anticipated it. It's human. It's natural. But you must remember what you are. What she is to you. An asset. A subject. A piece of a larger design. The moment you forget thatâthe moment you prioritize your feelings over the missionâwe will intervene. Not because we're cruel. Because we're necessary.
The car descends toward the river, toward your temporary residence, toward the life you've been living since December. The earpiece hums with emptiness and static.
And you drive on, into the dark, toward a future you can no longer predict and a choice you can no longer avoid. The mission continues. Their hope persists. And somewhere between them, caught in the space where duty and desire collide, you keep moving forward.
For now, that's enough.
For now.
âââââ
On the road to Hong Kong, you see Danielle less and less.
The rhythm of your encounters shift from regular to sporadic, from predictable to precious. Sunday services become the only constant, and even those are different now. She arrives in dark glasses and caps pulled low, hair tucked away, now a stranger in the pews where you first saw her grieve. The blonde comes as a shock when you finally glimpse itâa flash beneath her hat, pale and luminous, a transformation hiding in plain sight.
"It's for the show," she tells you after one service as you walk to your cars. "Can't have anyone spoiling the surprise."
You simply nod, but the tightening in your chest tells you otherwise. She looks different. Not just the hair, but something beneath it. Lighter. More alive.
The weight she carried in December hasn't vanished, but it's shifted, redistributed, made bearable by the promise of what's coming.
The texts still come often, but different too. In one instance:
> In the studio. Listen to this.
Followed by a voice memo: five girls harmonizing from a snippet of something new, something that makes your skin prickle with its sweetness and its underlying sorrow. Then another:
> Look what we found!
A photo: Haerin laughing behind a mixing board, Hyein draped across her shoulders, both of them young and unguarded in a way the cameras never capture.
However, the last one hits the hardest:
> Missing you.
Just that. Two simple words on a screen that land like stones in still water, sending ripples through everything.
You always reply at the soonest possible instance. Your messages are light, careful, the right balance of warmth and distance. The scout doesn't comment, but its attention feels like suffocating pressure, a constant reminder that nothing you type is private, nothing you feel is truly yours.
Let it ride, they said. Do not interfere. Only interact when necessary.
But necessity is a flexible concept when your phone glows with her name at midnight. When she sends you videos from the set, the five of them clowning between takes, Minji attempting a handstand, Hanni photobombing with increasingly elaborate faces, Danielle catching the camera and blowing a kiss that lands somewhere in your chest and stays there.
We're happy, she texts one night, and you can hear the wonder in it, the disbelief. Actually happy. For the first time in so long.
You stare at the words until the screen dims and goes dark.
Good, you type back. You deserve it.
You mean it. That's the problem.
Luminary checks in daily now, not for reports but for confirmation: Status. Engagement level. Any deviation from expected behavior. You give the answers they want: Stable. On track. No deviation.
But at night, alone in your rented house with the river flowing past and the earpiece silent on your nightstand, you let yourself feel what you feel.
The wanting. The fear. The desperate, foolish hope that maybe, somehow, this could end differently than all the stories tell you it will.
âââââ
Hong Kong swallows you wholeâneon and noise, humidity thick as blanket, the press of bodies in every direction. You move through it like a ghost, following instructions, checking into a hotel that Luminary arranged, waiting for the signal.
The performance is at night. The venue thrums with anticipation hours before, crowds gathering, lightsticks appearing like flowers after rain. Official onesâthose that belong to a different era, a different name. But Binky Bongs, the fans call them, are proudly raised up high, a thousand points of light in the dark, a reminder of the name and legacy they themselves own.
You have a pass. You have a position. A clear view of the stage from the wings, a vantage point that belongs to no one and no one questions. Earpiece planted close, as usual, quiet as usual. Watching. Waiting.Â
The lights go down. The crowd goes wild.
Then they're there. Five figures emerging from the dark, backlit and beautiful, and the sight of them stops your heart.
Of courseâof fucking courseâyour eyes fall on Danielle first.
Sheâs truly blonde now. The quirky caps and beanies have been abandoned, and in their place, her hairâs a pale cascade catching every light, falling past her shoulders in waves that seem to glow from within. She rocks blackâthey all do, each with variations on a themeâbut on her it's different. Her silhouette is sharper than you remember, the lines of her body finding new definition in the stage lights, in the confidence of performance.
She looks like a woman, not a girl. Like someone who has walked through fire and emerged completely unscathed.
Their set opens with a string of covers. Something familiar, something the crowd can hold onto. Songs that theyâve either practiced with during their trainee days or during those difficult times. Each of them moves their respective song with the precision of years, the instinct of bodies that have danced together since childhood. But there's something else beneath the choreography: a looseness, a joy, a freedom that no amount of rehearsals can manufacture.
The covers end. The crowd buzzes, uncertain, waiting.
And then the first notes of something new. Something no one has heard before.
The title appears on the screens behind them, and the crowd erupts. The song is similar yet nothing like they've ever done before: a pulsing undercurrent, a house beat that shouldn't fit vocals this sweet but somehow does, the kind of track that makes bodies move before the minds catch up. And the lyrics speak of certainty, of knowing there's no other way but forward. Of being cut from a different fabric entirely. Of eyes on them until everything comes into view. Of a sun blazing and the feeling of waking up amazing. Of not being done yet, not even close.
It's not over, we're not there yetThere's no other way
When Danielle takes her line, she sings like she's telling a secret she's held too longâbut the secret isn't sadness anymore. It's steel. It's the knowledge that she's molded from something different, something that can't be broken by courts or contracts or men in suits who think they own the light.Â
I'm cut from a different fabric. Now I keep it moving, don't keep it static
The song finishes. And immediately, the screaming starts.
It's not just typical crowd applause. It's something else: a roar of recognition, of affirmation, of we see you and we believe you and we will never stop fighting. The Binky Bong ocean rises like a tide, a sea of light washing toward the stage. People are crying. People are holding each other. People are screaming names that aren't quite legal anymore but don't care.
On stage, the five of them stand in the light, breathing hard, faces wet.
Minji steps forward. Her voice cracks, just a little.
"We wanted to sayâ"
She stops. Swallows. Starts again, but struggles. Emotions are starting to pour in.
"We wanted to say thank you. For being here. For waiting. For not giving up on us when everything was so hard."
Hanni moves to her side and takes her hand. The other three cluster close, now a wall of five against the world, surrounded by people who truly love and appreciate them.
"We don't know what comes next," Hanni continues. "We really don't. The legal stuff, the contracts, the companiesâit's all still there. It's all still complicated. But tonight, standing here, seeing all of youâ"
Like her member, her voice too, also breaks. She doesn't care. "Tonight, we're just us. Five girls who love to sing. Five girls who love performing for all of you."
Haerin speaks, quiet, but carrying heavily in the sudden hush. Sheâs the most ânormalâ of the bunchâif you can even describe the scene unraveling on stage. "We're going to be on indefinite hiatus after this. We don't know for how long. We don't know what happens next. But we wanted you to knowâwe'll keep fighting. For us. For you. For the music."
Hyein is crying openly now, tears streaming down cheeks. "We just want to perform," she echoes, and the words are almost too quiet to truly hear. "We just want to make you happy. That's all we ever wanted."
Danielle steps forward. The last one to speak, the light catches her hair, her face, the tears she doesnât try to hide.
"We love you," she concludes. "We love you so much. And no matter what happens, no matter who tries to stop us, that will never change."
The roar that follows shakes the building. Itâs absolute pandemonium. Chants of âNewJeans never dieâ and âNewJeans donât be blueâ ring violently against your ears, threatening to blow the roof off the place.
Even Luminary has nothing to say.
You watch them bow, watch them wave, watch them disappear into the darkness backstage, and you feel something you can't name. Something too large for words.
Immediately, you follow them backstage, slipping through a maze of corridors and security, the pass around your neck opening doors, your face familiar enough to wave through. The noise of the crowd follows you in the background, now a distant roar, the sound of thousands of people refusing to let go even as the next act takes their place on stage.
Danielle is leaning against a wall, completely by her lonesome, her chest heaving, her face poured with sweat, her eyes slammed shut. She looks like she's run a marathon, climbed a mountain, and crossed an ocean all at once.
When she opens her eyes, they immediately find you. The space between you instantly disappears.
Before you can think, before you can remember the earpiece, the mission, the consequences, sheâs already found solace in your arms. Her body presses against yours, warm and shaking and alive. Lifting her face to yoursâ
Without hesitation, her lips find your mouth.
The kiss is not careful. It's not tentative. It's not any of the things you told yourself this would be. It's desperate and hungry and full of everything she couldn't say on that stage, everything you couldn't admit in those quiet months in Brisbane. It's a claim and a surrender all at once.
When you finally break apart, gasping, she laughs. A sound of pure, uncomplicated joy that you've never heard from her before.
"Did you see?" she asks, still riding off that euphoric high. "Did you see them? Did you see the lights?"
"I saw.âÂ
"Mars." She says your name itâs the most important person in the room. "That was everything. That wasâI can't evenâ"
She kisses you again, softer this time. When she pulls back, her eyes search your face.
"Are you okay?" you ask. The question feels ridiculous. Inadequate.
Danielle's smile flickers, just for a moment. "I don't know," she admits. "I don't know if we'll be okay. I don't know what happens tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year. But right nowâ"
She gestures at the chaos around them, the crew moving equipment, the other girls being swallowed by well-wishers and a skeleton crew of a staff, punctuated by the distant roar of a crowd that won't stop screaming their names. "Right now, I'm happy. Is that enough?"
You don't respond with words. Rather you kiss her again, and it's more than enough of an answer.
As the night spirals on, photos are taken, people are thanked, messages are sent outâa thousand small obligations that come with a performance like this. Patiently waiting, watching from the edges, Danielle moves through it all with a grace that feels both natural and rehearsed at the same time. The other girls catch your eye occasionally, exchanging knowing looks between them. Minji gives you a thumbs up that makes you laugh. Hanni's gaze lingers, but itâs softer now than it was in Brisbane.
After hours, finally, finally, it's over. The crowds disperse. Danielle finds you in the emptying corridor. She takes your hand and doesn't let go.
"Your hotel?" she suggests. Less of an invitation and more a final destination.
"Close enough."
She nods. "Mine's too public. Too many people know which floor." Her grip on your hand tightens. "Take me with you."
Hand in hand, you disappear through the Hong Kong night, inconspicuous among the crowds that still throng the streets near the venue. No one looks twice, nor does a soul recognize the sparkly blonde girl in the cap, the one who just commanded a stage of thousands. You're just two people, walking, holding on.
The hotel room is small, impersonal, a temporary space for a temporary life. Danielle stands in the center of it, looking around, and you see her taking it in: the neutral walls, the generic art, the suitcase in the corner that holds everything you own.
"This is where you live?" she asks.
"For now."
She turns to you. In the low light, her face is all shadows and softness, the blonde hair a pale halo.
"Mars."
Fuck. Your name again, always your name, always spoken with that weight and that killer accent. Itâs its own drug.
"What are we doing?"
You've asked it yourself a hundred times, in the dark of your rented house, in the quiet between texts, in the moments when your earpiece goes silent and you're left with only your own thoughts.
"I don't know," you admit. Honest, for once. "I don't know what this is. I don't know what I am to you, or you to me. I don't know if we're a mistake or the only right thing I've ever done."
She steps closer. "Me neither."
"Daniâ"
"Don't say another word." She puts a finger to your lips. "Don't explain. Don't apologize. Don't tell me all the reasons this is complicated. I know them. I've lived them. For once, justâbe here. With me. No explanations. No futures. Just now."
Instinctually, you reach up and remove the earpiece.
It feels smaller in your palm, lighter than it has any right to be. For months, it's been your tether, your leash, your connection to a world that owns you. But now it's just plastic and metal, a thing you can put down, a thing you can leave behind.
You place it on the nightstand. The red light that's always glowing, always watching, goes pitch black.
Danielle watches you, questions in her eyes. She doesn't ask. Maybe she doesn't want to know. Maybe she's learned, as you have, that some truths are too heavy to carry.
You take her hand. Lead her toward the bedroom.
The door clicks shut behind her and the world outside ceases to exist.
Danielle's back meets the wall with a soft thud, the sound swallowed by her mouth on yours, by the desperate press of her body against your chest. Her hands are everywhereâyour shoulders, your neck, fisting in your hair with an urgency that borders on desperate. You match her energy, meet it, your palms sliding down her sides, feeling the heat of her through the thin fabric of her top.
"Mars," she gasps against your mouth. Just your name. Just that. It's enough.
Your fingers find the hem of her crop top, breaking the kiss just long enough to lift and pull it over her head. It joins the floor, forgotten. Her skirt is next, giving way to your impatient hands, sliding down her hips to pool at her feet. She steps out of it without looking, without caring, her eyes never leaving yours.
The stockings are a complication you didn't anticipate. Sheer black, rising past her knees, held in place by something you can't see and don't care to find. You kneelâactually kneel, a supplicant at her altarâand roll them down her legs, one after the other, your lips following the path your hands clear. Her skin is warm, soft, trembling under your mouth.
When you rise, she's down to her underwear. A matching set, black lace, the kind of thing you never imagined her wearing because you never let yourself imagine this at all.
You don't ask permission. Your fingers hook into the waistband of her panties and you pull, and the fabric tearsâa small, satisfying ripâand they're gone, discarded, irrelevant.
Danielle laughs, breathless. "Those wereâ"
"Not anymore."
She's pressed against the wall again, your body caging hers. One of your thighs slides between her legs. Soaking, alarmingly wet. You can feel it through your pants, the slick heat of her against your thigh, and the knowledge of it sends blood roaring through your veins.
You can't get your clothes off fast enoughâbelt unbuckled one-handed, pants shoved down, coat shrugged off and abandoned. Your shirt goes last, buttons flying somewhere, neither of you caring.
She kisses you like she's drowning. Like you're oxygen. Her tongue in your mouth, her teeth on your lip, her nails raking down your back through the fabric of your shirt.
"Fuck me," she mutters. Not a question. Not a plea. A demand.
Your hands grip her thighs, lift, and she wraps around you automatically, toned, slender legs locking at your back, arms around your neck. The wall carries the brunt of her weight, but you're holding her too, your now erect cock pressing against her, finding resistance, finding heat.
You push inside her in one slow, brutal thrust.
The sound she makes is nothing like the polished vocals from the stage. It's raw and broken and beautiful, a gasp torn from somewhere deep. Her head falls back against the wall, eyes closing, mouth open. You give her a momentâone momentâto adjust, to breathe.
"Move," she says. And you do.
It starts slow, deep, each thrust pressing her harder against the wall, lifting her, filling her. Her legs tighten around you, pulling you deeper. Her nails dig into your shoulders. Her breath comes in short, sharp gasps that match the cadence of your hips.
"Harder," she grunts out, lolling her head, exposing the nook of her neck.
And on point, the wall trembles with each impact. Your name naturally falls from her lips like a prayer and a curse, like youâre the only thing she remembers. She's loudâlouder than you expected, louder than the thin hotel walls should allow. You don't tell her to be quiet. You don't want her to be quiet. You want to hear every sound she makes, every gasp and moan and broken syllable. Fuck, everyone should know just how fucking good she has it.
Her hips start moving too, meeting your thrusts halfway, finding a rhythm that belongs to both of you. The angle shifts, and she gasps, and you know you've found somethingâsome place inside her that makes her grip tighten, makes her cries go higher.
"Don't stop," she begs. "Don't stop don't stop don'tâ"
You have no intention to.
This is beyond choice now, beyond decision. This is two bodies moving together, two people who've spent months circling each other finally colliding.
Her orgasm takes her by surprise.
One moment she's moving with you, meeting you thrust for thrust. The next she's shuddering, clenching, her whole body going rigid as she cries outânot words, just sound, just the raw expression of something too big for language. Her nails leave marks on your shoulders. Her legs lock so tight you can barely move.
You don't stop moving. You can't. You're too close, too far gone, too deep in this with her. The feeling of her coming apart around you pushes you toward your own edge, and you meet it with your teeth gritted and your forehead pressed against her now reddened neck, marked and memorialized with your brand.Â
"I'mâ"Â
"Yes," she cuts in, aware of the inevitable. "Inside me. Now."
You come undone.
It rolls through you in waves, each pulse of release drawing another shudder from her, another gasp. You're still buried inside her, still pressed against the wall, still holding her weight with arms that tremble from exertion and aftermath. The world narrows to this: her warmth around you, her breath on your face, the slow, dizzying return to something like reality.
Minutes pass. Or seconds. Time has abandoned its usual obligations. Eventually your arms remember they have limits, and you carry herâstill wrapped around you, still inside herâto the edge of the bed. You lower her gently, reluctantly, and when you finally slip out of her, she makes a small sound of loss that echoes something in your chest.
"Are youâ"
"I'm on the pill." Danielle answers before you even finish, breathless, frantic. All to satiate your rush. "I'm safe. It's safe."
You nod. You kiss her. It's softer now. Slower.
"I need you again," she mumbles against your mouth.
Lifting her from the walls, you lay her out on the bed like an offering. She's beautiful in the low lightâall pale skin and blonde hair spread across the pillows, chest rising and falling, eyes dark with wanting. The centerpiece of your bedroom.
You don't climb on top of her, not yet. Instead, you settle between her legs.
Her gasp when your mouth finds her is sharper than before, more surprised. She's sensitive; you can feel it in the way her thighs tense, in how her hips try to lift away and press closer at the same time. You hold her down with hands on her hips and you devour her, slow and thorough, learning with your tongue.
She's sweet. She's salt. She's everything.
Danielleâs fingers tangle in your hair, not pulling, just holding. Her breathing quickens, her hips start moving in small, unconscious circles. You find a rhythm that makes her gasp, that makes her moan your name, that makes her forget whatever careful walls she's spent months building.
"God," she breathes. "Fuck, I'mâI'm close, I'mâ"
You keep the same steady, relentless pace, bringing her toward the edge and keeping her there, suspended, until she falls apart again.
When she comes this time, it's quieter. Deeper. A long, shuddering release that seems to go on and on, her body arching off the bed, her hands gripping your hair hard enough to hurt. You don't stop until she pushes you away, oversensitive, trembling.
You crawl up her body, leaving a trail of kisses as you go. Higher, higher, your mouth tracing a path up her thigh, across her hip. Her stomach dips under your lips, each ridge of muscle, each soft plane. Your tongue finds her navel, circles it, moves on.
Her breasts are small, perfect, fitting in your palms like they were made for them. You squeeze gently, watching her face, watching her eyes flutter shut. Your mouth finds one nipple, then the other, and she sighs, a soft contented sound that's almost as intimate as everything that came before.
Eventually, you're face to face.
The space between you is merely inches. You can feel her breath on your lips, can count her eyelashes in the dim light. Her eyes are open now, watching you with an expression you can't quite readâhope and fear and something else, something that makes your chest ache.
"I love you," says Danielle, airy, but genuine.
Three small words. Three impossible words.
Youâre hesitating. The mission, the consequences. You should remember who you are and what you are and all the reasons this can't end well.
Instead, you say: "I love you too." Her smile could power the whole city.
She pulls you down into a kiss, deep and slow and full of everything you've both been holding back. Her arms wrap around you, holding you close, and you let yourself be held.
Outside, Hong Kong hums with its endless energy, and somewhere in the shadows, Luminary watches and waits and plans. But for now, in this room, there's just the two of you.
Just this. Just now.
Danielle falls asleep first, her head on your chest, her breath evening out into the slow rhythm of rest. You lie awake, staring at the ceiling, her weight a comfort and a complication.
The earpiece is still on the nightstand. The red light is still dark.
But tonight, she loves you. And you love her.
For now, that's enough.
âââââ
The morning comes, and you wish it stayed like this forever:
Danielle is draped across your chest like she belongs there, like she's always meant to be, her blonde hair spilling across your skin in a cascade of pale silk. One leg is hooked over yours, her arm curled beneath her, her face turned toward the hollow of your throat. She breathes in slow, steady rhythms, each exhale a small warm ghost against your collarbone.
You lie there in the half-dark and try to memorize every detail: the weight of her, the curve of her spine beneath the sheet, the tiny mole behind her ear you never noticed before, the way her fingers twitch occasionally, dreaming of something you'll never know.
Last night was not a mistake.
You've told yourself that a hundred times since the first gray light began seeping through the curtains. Not a lapse in judgment. Not a failure of mission protocol. It was a choice.
For once, you chose yourself over the greater good. A conscious, deliberate, utterly irreversible choice to be something other than what Luminary made you.Â
The earpiece sits idly on the nightstand. You haven't touched it since you placed it there. You haven't wanted to.
Danielle stirs. A small sound, a shift of weight. Her eyes open, unfocused for a moment, and then they find yours. She smiles.
Not the stage smile or for cameras, the one she's been trained to produce on command. It's something smaller and larger all at once. Private, intimate. Just for you.
"Hey," she whispers.
"Hey."
Her hand finds your face, traces the line of your jaw, your cheekbone, the corner of your mouth. "You're still here."
"I'm still here,â you quietly confirm.Â
"I was afraid you'd be gone." Danielle exhales. "I was afraid last night was a dream."
You turn your head, kiss her palm. "Not a dream. It was all real."
She shifts, settling more fully against you, her cheek returning to its place above your heart. "Good. Because I don't regret it. Any of it."
"Me neither."
"I mean it. I know this is complicated. I know there are a million reasons this shouldn't work. But last nightâ"
She lifts her head, meeting your eyes. "Last night was the first time in years I felt like myself. Not an idol. Not a product. Not a lawsuit waiting to happen. Just me. And you made that possible."
Your throat tightens. Instead, you pull her closer, like sheâll disappear anytime, and she goes willingly, fitting against you like the missing piece of something you didn't know was broken.
For a little while, there's only this: two bodies, one bed, the quiet miracle of being alive together.
Then the knock comes.
It's not loud. Three sharp raps, businesslike, unhurried. The kind of knock that expects an answer.
Your body goes cold before your mind catches up. Every instinct you've spent years training snaps to attention. Danielle feels it, the sudden tension in your frame, and her head lifts, eyes questioning.
"Don't move," you hush. "Don't make a sound."
You slide out from under her, and the loss of her warmth immediately feels terrible. Your legs carry you to the door on autopilot, the years of muscle memory taking over. Through the peephole, the fisheye lens distorts the corridor into something surreal, dreamlike.
Three figures stand outside. The one in front you recognize immediately: the agent from the alley in Brisbane, the one with flat eyes and flat monotone accent and the promise that if you forgot what you were, he'd be the one they'd send.
And he's holding your earpiece.
He doesn't wave it. Doesn't gesture. Just holds it up, between thumb and forefinger as the biggest damning proof of evidence. Behind him, two others wait, their faces blank, bodies poised for violence.
Your heart stops. Starts again. Keeps going because it has no choice.
No words are necessary. None would matter. The consequences are here, wearing suits and carrying your sin in their hands.
"Babe?" Danielle echoes from the bedroom, soft and blissfully uncertain. "What is it?"
You turn from the door. She's standing in the bedroom doorway, wrapped in a sheet, her blonde hair tousled, her face caught between sleep and waking and the first stirrings of fear. She looks so young. So vulnerable. So completely unaware of what's waiting on the other side of that door.
You have seconds. Maybe less.
"Danielle." You remain steady; you don't know how. "I need to tell you something. And you're not going to understand. You're probably not going to believe me. But I need you to listen. Can you do that?"
Her face changes. The sleepiness fades, replaced by something sharper and wary. "What's going on?"
"I'm not who you think I am."
She blinks. She doesnât know whatâs going on or whatâs about to happen.
"I'm not just some guy who showed up at your church. I was sent there. By people. An organization." You're talking a little too fast; the words come tumbling out, but there's no time, no time for grace or careful explanation. "They sent me to watch you. To monitor you and the others. To report back on everything you did, everything you said. That's what I was. That's what I am."
Danielle stares at you. Her face is unreadable, a mask you can't penetrate.
"Last night," she says, airy, quiet. "Was thatâ"
"Real." You return to Danielle and take her hands. They're cold. "Last night was real. Everything I felt, everything I saidâthat was me. Not them. Not the mission. Me."
"You lied to me."
"I did." No defense. No excuse. No sugarcoating. "From the moment we met. Every word, every storyâit was constructed. Carefully. To make sure you trust me."
She pulls her hands away. Steps back. The sheet is clutched to her chest like armor.
"Why are you telling me this now?"
The knock comes again. Louder this time. More insistent. Like theyâre threatening to burst in within the next five minutes.
"Because they're here," you confess. "The people I work for. They're outside that door. And they know."
"Know what?"
"That I broke the rules." You gesture at the room, at the bed, at the space between you that still holds the warmth of the night. "That I chose you over them. That I took off the earpiece. That Iâ"
Suddenly, the words die in your mouth. Swallow your throat. "That I fell in love with you."
You didn't plan to say it. It simply spilled out naturally, pulled from somewhere so deep you didn't know it existed. The truth.
Danielle's eyes widen. Her lips part. For a moment, just a moment, the fear is replaced by something else.Â
"You love me?"
"I love you." Every word feels like a confession, like an indictment against yourself. "And I don't regret last night. Not once. Not for a second. But I need you to knowâwhatever happens next, whatever they doâI need you to know that you were never just a mission to me. You were never just an assignment. You becameâ everything."
Another knock. Harder. The agent accompanies it now, muffled through the wood: "Open the door. Now."
Danielle looks at the door, then back at you. Her face is pale, but her chin is set. The defiance you saw on stage last night, the steel underneath the softnessâit's there.
"Do you regret it?" you ask. The question is selfish, desperate, but you can't help it. "Me. Us. Any of it."
She crosses to you in two steps. Her hands cup your face, force you to meet her eyes.
"I don't regret you," she answers. "I don't regret last night. I don't regret any moment I spent with you." A pause. Her voice cracks, just a little. "But I'm scared, Mars. I'm so scared."
"Me too, Dani." You press your forehead against hers. "Me too."
The door shudders. They've stopped knocking.
"I have to open it," you say. "If I don't, they'll break it down. And if they break it down, they'll be angry. And when they're angryâ"
You don't finish. Don't have to. Youâve seen it firsthand. Now itâs coming for you.
Danielle nods. Steps back. Wraps the sheet tighter.
You walk to the door. Your hand finds the handle. Pausing, you turn back to her one last time.
"Whatever happens, stay behind me. Don't fight them. Don't run. They're faster than you think, and they won't hurt you if you don't give them a reason. I made them promiseâ"Â
You stop. There were no promises made. You just have to hope. Pray for mercy.
Slowly, you open the door.
The agent from Brisbane stands there, your earpiece still in his hand. Behind him, the two others are larger than they looked through the peephole, their suits doing nothing to hide the coiled violence beneath.
"Mars." The agent's judgment is flat, empty of emotion. "You know why we're here."
"I do."
"The earpiece." He holds it up. "Removed. Disabled. A direct violation of protocol."
"Yes."
"Fraternization with a subject. Emotional attachment. Personal involvement." Each word is its own accusation. "All violations. All documented. All witnessed."
"Yes."
The agent's eyes flick past you to Danielle, standing frozen in the bedroom doorway. His expression doesn't change.
"The subject will also be debriefed."
"No." The word escapes your lips before you can stop it. "She didn't know. She didn't choose this. Whatever rules I broke, she's innocent. She stays."
The agent regards you with something that might be pity, if pity could look so cold. "You're in no position to negotiate."
"I'm not negotiating."
You step forward, positioning yourself between him and Danielle. "I'm surrendering. Willingly. No resistance. But she comes with me voluntarily, or not at all. And if you try to take her by force, I'll make enough noise that this entire hotel wakes up. Cameras will come out. Phones will record. And even your technology can't delete everything if there's enough of it."
It's a bluff. A thin one. You both know it.
But something flickers in the agent's eyes. Respect, maybe. Or amusement at the futility of the ruse.
"Fine," he says. "She comes willingly. No excessive force. But she comes."
You turn to Danielle. She's moved closer, standing just behind you now, still wrapped in the sheet. Her face is pale, but her eyes are dry.
"Danielle." You keep yourself low, calm despite the overwhelming situation. "These peopleâthey're not going to hurt you. Not if you cooperate. They're going to take us somewhere. Ask questions. Make decisions. I don't know how long it will take or what will happen after. But I need you to trust me. Can you do that?"
She looks at you for a while. Then at the agents, their blank faces, their waiting silence. Then back at you. "I trust you.â
It's not an answer to your question. It's something larger. Something that makes your chest ache.
"I need to get dressed," she tells the agents. Against all these imposing forces, sheâs steadfast. Impressive, really, given the circumstances. "You're going to have to wait."
The agent nods in agreement, once. "Two minutes."
Danielle quickly disappears into the bedroom. You hear her moving, the rustle of fabric, the soft thump of a drawer closing. The agents wait in silence. Youâre waiting with them, your heart beating wildly every second, expecting some kind of breach, imagining some way theyâll cross the line and break their promise.
She emerges dressed in your clothes: jeans, sweater, and a shirt youâd planned to give on her birthday. Her hair is pulled back, her face composed. She comes to stand beside you, takes your hand.
"Together," she says.
The lead agent gestures. "Walk. Slowly. Toward the service elevator. No sudden movements."
Youâre escorted out the hotel room, led by the lead agent, his two subordinates flanked behind you and Danielle.
The corridor is empty, the kind of calculated emptiness that speaks of intervention: floors cleared, cameras redirected, witnesses erased.
This is Luminary's domain now; the hotel is merely a stage for their operation.
The service elevator opens before you reach it. Inside, two more agents wait, their faces as blank as the rest.
You step in. Danielle matches every beat, every step you take.
The descent is silent. No one dares to speak. Danielle's hand grips yours so tightly your fingers go numb. You don't let go.
Exiting, The elevator opens onto a loading bay, empty of workers or staff, completely devoid of life. Three black SUVs wait, engines running, tinted windows absorbing the gray morning light. As you approach, you see figures in the back of the nearest vehicle. Still idle and slumped in their seats.
Your heart stops.
Through the heavily bulletproof glass, you make out shapes. Four of them looking small, curled close against each other.
"No," Danielle erupts. She lets go of your hand, and presses against the window. "No, no, noâ"
Minji. Hanni. Haerin. Hyein.
They're there, all of them, unconscious but breathing, their faces slack, their bodies arranged like sleeping children. In the other SUVs, you see more shapesâother agents, other captives, other pieces of Luminary's design.
"You took them," Danielle grits out. She turns on the agent from Brisbane, and for a moment she's not a frightened girl but something fiercer, someone that has survived too much to break now. "You took all of them."
"The operation was simultaneous," the agent remarks, as if explaining a scheduling decision. "All subjects secured. All assets contained."
"Assets." Danielle's anger seeps through her tone. "Is that what we are to you? Assets?"
The agent doesn't answer. He has no obligation to do so.
A door opens behind you. Hands grip your arms. You don't resist. You've promised not to. But as they guide you toward the second SUV, you turn back to Danielle one last time.
"I'm sorry," you mutter, shaking your head. "I'm so sorry."
She looks at you through the glass, her face wet with tears she didn't let you see fall. But she's not looking at you with hatred. She's not looking at you with the face of a woman betrayed and heartbroken.
She's looking at you like you're still hers.
"Together," she mouths, quietly and quickly, before other hands pull you away, and the door closes, and she's gone from your sight.
Inside the SUV, there are no formalities. The agent immediately goes to work. A needle presses against your neck. Swift, cold, sharp. The world around you begins to swim.
Your last thought before the dark consumes you is of her. Of blonde hair and a quiet smile. Of a hand in yours in a Brisbane backyard. Of a kiss in the Hong Kong night that meant everything.
You don't regret it. Not once. Not ever.
Then the darkness swallows you whole.
In the loading bay, the black SUVs pull away one by one, silent and smooth. The hotel continues its morning routine, guests oblivious, staff unaware. The service elevator returns to its regular duties. The loading bay doors close.
On every camera within a mile radius, the footage shows nothing. Empty corridors. Empty streets. Empty everything.
Luminary's proprietary technology doesn't delete; it simply never records the event in the first place.
By the time anyone thinks to wonder where the girls have gone, where the five who set the stage on fire last night have disappeared to, there will be nothing to find. No evidence. No trail. No witnesses. Only remnants of a bittersweet farewell and an indefinite hiatus to follow.
Whatâs left is just a mystery. Just a question. A void where something bright used to be.
âââââ
You wake to whiteness.
Not a gradual return of consciousness, but the slow swim from darkness to light. One moment there's nothing, the next, your eyes are open and you're staring at a ceiling that has no texture, no imperfection, no end. Just white. Infinite and absolute.
This is not the heaven youâve imagined.
You're sitting in a chair. You don't remember being seated. Anything after the needle is a blank page. Yet here you are, upright, awake, alive.
The room is a box. Six surfaces of seamless blinding abyss, without corners, without joints where wall meets floor meets ceiling. It's like being held inside an egg.
A single table extends from the wall in front of youâno, not from the wall, it's simply there, your typical table from IKEA, and on it sits a cup of coffee. Steam rises from the cup, freshly brewed.Â
They know when you'd wake. They know everything.
You don't touch the coffee. In fact, you don't move at all. You stay seated in the chair, molded to your body in ways that suggest they've measured you down to the millimeterâand you wait.
Suddenly, the blank wall parts at the center. A window emerges. Maybe it was always there. It's transparent, a pane of glass looking ontoânothing. A room beyond, equally white, equally empty. You can't see anyone. But you know they're there. One, a dozen, hundreds, even thousands. You can feel them watching, the weight of countless unseen eyes.
You speak. It sounds strange in the whiteness, swallowed, absorbed.
"Are they okay?"
Silence.
"Danielle. The others. Are they hurt?"Â
The speakers in the roomâyou assume there are speakers, though you see nothingâremain silent. Examining the window shows only emptiness. But youâre aware you're being heard. You know they're deciding how to respond.
"Please." The word costs you. "Just tell me if they're okay."
For a while, nothing. Then, a voice. Not from the speakers. Itâs all around you. From the walls themselves, from the air, from inside your own skull. Flat, distorted, cold.
"You will answer questions first."
You close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Open them again.
"Ask."
"Describe your actions on the night of March 23rd. In detail. Beginning from the moment you left the venue."
They want the performance. They want the backstage reunion. They want the walk through Hong Kong, the hotel room, the night that still burns in your memory.
You reveal everything.
About finding Danielle against the wall, her face wet, her eyes finding yours. The kiss, the way she felt in your arms, the laughter that followed. Talk through the city, hand in hand, the moment you both felt anonymous and free. You tell them about the hotel room, the way she looked standing in the center of it, the question she asked: What are we doing?
You tell them about the earpiece. How you reached up and removed it. That you placed it on the nightstand. How the red light went dark.
You tell them about the bedroom. About her. About you. Every act including the ones that left you unconscious for hours.
You donât waver. You don't soften the details. Each sentence is like a confession in a church that has no God, to an audience you can't see, offering up the most intimate moments of your life as data points for their cold accounting.
When you finish, they donât respond for a while. They let every word youâve spoken breathe, and with it, the gravity of each admission feels heavier, then suddenly:
"How do you characterize your feelings for the subject designated Danielle?"
"I love her."
The words are simple. True. It comes naturally, like second nature.
"The subject is an asset. A piece of a larger design. Love is not a variable we account for."
"I know."
"And yet you chose to pursue it."
"I didn't choose anything." You lean forward, your hands finding the edge of the table. The coffee sits completely untouched. "It happened. Despite every protocol, every warning, every consequence I knew was coming. It justâhappened."
"Sentiment is a weakness."
"Maybe." You meet the empty window, the unseen watchers behind it. "But it's also the only thing that made me feel alive in years. So if that's weakness, fine. I'm weak."
The room goes quiet, longer than before. Then the voice returns, and there's something different in it. Not warmthânever warmth. But a kind of acknowledgment, a recognition of critical data received and filed.
"Your assessment will be considered. Remain."
The window goes white. The room seals itself. You're left alone.
You don't know how long you sit there. Minutes, hours, days. The room has no time, no rhythm, no change. The coffee cools. You don't drink it. You stay in that chair with Danielle constantly on your mind, about the way she looked at you before the door opened, about the word she mouthed through the glass:
Together.
You hold onto that. You hold onto her. Itâs the only thing keeping you sane.
âââââ
Time passes. Or it doesn't. You can't really tell.
The window doesn't reappear. Nothing speaks. You're fed at specific intervals. Trays are thrust in through a slot you never noticed. The meals taste bland but nourishing, and water is poured into disposable plastic cups.
You eat because you have to. You sleep because your body demands it. You wait because there's nothing else to do.
One day, without warning, the wall opens.
Not a door. The wall simply parts, a seam appearing where no seam existed, sliding back to reveal a corridor of the same impossible white. Three figures stand there. The agent from Brisbane is in front. Behind him, two new subordinates, larger and imposing, their faces equally blank.
"Stand," the agent commands.
You stand. Your legs are steady. You've been waiting for this.
The two men cross, gesturing for you to lift your hands. Handcuffs close around your wristsânot metal, something else, lighter but unbreakable. They don't speak. Theyâre not obligated to. You're theirs again, a piece returned to the board.
Then they lead you out.
The corridor stretches endlessly, white on white on white, doors every few meters, all identical, all sealed. Other agents pass occasionally, nod to your escorts, and ignore you completely.
You're nothing here. A specimen. A problem to be solved.
You try to count steps, turns, landmarks, but ultimately find it useless. The place is a maze designed to defeat memory and pattern recognition. Every corridor looks identical, every junction leads to more of the same. Luminary's anonymous bases are structured like this. Unregistered, undocumented, undecipherable. One of countless, you assume, scattered across the globe like seeds planted in concrete.
After what feels like miles, you reach a door that looks like all the others but isn't. Your escorts pause. The Brisbane agent presses his palm to the surface. Something scans, accepts, and opens.
They lead you inside.
The room is dark. Not the white you've grown accustomed to, but genuine darkness, the kind that presses against your eyes and makes you doubt they're open. You're guided forward, hands on your arms, footsteps echoing in a space that feels vast and empty.
A chair. You're shoved into it. The handcuffs are removed. The hands withdraw. Footsteps retreat. A door closes.
Here you are again: darkness and silence, all alone again. So you wait. You're getting good at waiting.
Moments later, a little light comes on.
You're in a boardroom. Not the white of your cell, but something older: a wood-paneled long table stretching before you lined with figures in shadow. High-backed chairs, twelve of them, each occupied by a silhouette you can't quite see. At the head of the table, an empty chair. Behind it, a screen.
The Ascendants. Tier 4. The ones who shape Luminary's will into action.Â
No one speaks or dares to breathe. Not a soul one moves, even a muscle. The screen flickers to life.
You see yourself. Not quiteâmore specifically, the casual outfit from that fateful night.
Footage, grainy in quality but clear, from a perspective you recognize: your own. The cameraâthere was a camera, in your button, your collar, somewhere you never noticedâcaptured everything. The walk through Hong Kong. The hotel room. Danielle standing in the doorway. The moment you reached up and removed the earpiece.
The footage plays in silence. You watch yourself commit every violation, cross every line. You watch Danielle's face, open and trusting. You watch the bed, the darkness that followed, the night that changed everything.
When it ends, the screen goes dark. The silence in the room is absolute.
A voice speaks. Not from within the tableâfrom the screen, from the empty chair, from everywhere at once. It ripples through the room with certain, absolute authority.
"You were given a mission. Simple. Clear. Monitor the subjects. Report their activities. Maintain distance." It pauses. "You failed. Spectacularly."
"I know."
"Do you understand the magnitude of that failure? The subjects are not merely individuals. They are assets. Investments. The culmination of years of planning and resource allocation. Their trajectory was carefully designed. Their redemption arc, meticulously calibrated. ComplexCon was to be the first act of a larger narrativeâa story of triumph over adversity, of innocence vindicated, of justice served through the court of public opinion."
You've heard this before, in variations. The parable of the talents. The arithmetic of influence.
"Your involvement introduced an uncontrolled variable. Emotional attachment. Personal investment. These things compromise judgment. They create unpredictable outcomes. They threaten the integrity of the entire operation."
"The operation," you repeat, subtly mocking. "Is that what you call it?"
"It is what it is."
"And the girls? Danielle? The others? Are they part of the operation, or are they justâpieces? Assets to be moved around your board?"
It goes quiet for a moment, before answering, unchanged:Â "The subjects are being processed."
Your blood goes cold. "Processed? What does that mean?"
The screen flickers to life once more. New footage appears.
Five rooms. Five chairs. Five familiar girls.
Minji sits in the first, her head tilted, eyes unfocused. A thin metal band circles her temples, wires trailing to a complicated machine beside her. She doesn't move. Doesn't blink. Just sits, breathing slowly, evenly, like a doll waiting for its strings to be pulled.
Hanni in the second, wearing the same band, with the same stillness etched on her face. Her watchful eyes look empty now, staring at nothing.
Haerin. Curled in her chair, smaller than you've ever seen her, the band looking obscene against her delicate temples. Her lips move occasionally, forming words that don't quite translate to anything comprehensible.
Hyein. The youngest. Tears on her cheeks, still wet, but her face is slack, uncomprehending. Whatever they're doing to her, she's past fighting it.
And Danielle.
She's in the fifth room, the fifth chair, the fifth band. Her blonde hair is tangled, her face pale, but her eyesâher eyes are open. Aware. She's looking at something you can't see, someone in the room with her, and her expression is not fear or pain but something worse: understanding. Acceptance. The look of someone who knows exactly what's happening and can't do a thing to stop it.
"What are you doing to them?" Your voice, when you find it, is not your own. It comes from somewhere deeper, somewhere defensive.
"Correction," it answers. "The subjects' emotional states were becoming unstable. Unpredictable. The trauma of the past year, the legal battles, the public scrutinyâthese things created vulnerabilities. Attachments formed that could not be permitted to continue."
"Attachments." Suddenly youâve risen on your feet; no one else moves a muscle. "You mean me. You mean what we had."
"We mean any variable that compromises the subjects' utility. Your presence was a variable. Your relationship was a variable. Both have beenâaddressed."
"Addressed." It soundsâwrong, no matter which way itâs spun. âYou're lobotomizing them."
"A crude term. We are refining their emotional responses. Removing the trauma responses that would otherwise hinder their future function. They will emerge healthier. More stable. Better able to fulfill their role."
"Their role." You're shaking now, trembling with rage your body can barely contain. "Their role as what? Puppets? Products? Tools for your 'greater good'?"
"They are artists. They will continue to create. To perform. To inspire. The difference is that they will do so without the burden of the pain you and others have caused them. They will be free."
"Free." You laugh. It's not pleasant in the slightest. "You're stripping them of everything that makes them who they are, and you call that freedom?"
"We are preserving what matters. Their talent. Their voices. Their ability to connect with audiences. The restâthe fear, the grief, the anger, the loveâthose are impediments. They will not miss them."
You look at Danielle on the screen. Her eyes are still open, still aware, still herâfor now. But even as you watch, something shifts in her expression. A softening. A fading. Like a light dimming behind a window.
Your anger turns to desperation. The kind that will take anything to save that they hold dear. âPlease. Don't. She's done nothing wrong. They've done nothing wrong. They're just kids who trusted the wrong people."
"Their trust is not the issue. Their utility is. And your interference has compromised that utility. This is the consequence."
"Then punish me." You're beyond pride, beyond dignity. "Do whatever you want to me. I don't care. But leave them alone. Let them be who they are."
"Who they are," it reiterates, as if tasting the words. "And who is that, exactly? Broken children carrying wounds they didn't ask for? Young women haunted by betrayal and fear? They were never going to heal on their own. We are accelerating the process."
"You're murdering them."
"We are saving them. From themselves. From people like you. From a world that would have consumed them regardless."
The screen goes dark; the room goes quiet. Youâre the only one standing in the room, facing shadows you can't see, and something inside you finally, irrevocably breaks.
"Is this justice?" Youâre quiet now. Calm. Brimming with the stillness of someone who has passed through rage and emerged out the other side with clarity. "Is this what you promised? The parable of the talentsâtake from those who bury their gifts and give to those who multiply them. But you're not taking from HYBE. You're not giving to the girls. You're taking from them. Their memories. Their feelings. Their selves. And for what? So you can control them more easily? So they fit more neatly into your designs?"
The head doesn't answer. But you feel the attention in the room shift. The shadows are listening.
"You talk about justice," you continue. "About punishing the ones who hurt them. HYBE. ADOR. All the adults who used them and discarded them. But where's that justice? Where's the punishment? You've had months. Years. You could have brought them down. You have the power. You have the reach. So why haven't you?"
Still, youâre met with silence. You press on.
"You operate from the shadows. You manipulate media. You control narratives. You could destroy HYBE with a whisper. You could make sure Min Hee-jin never works in this industry again. You could expose everythingâthe internal documents, the hate trains, the manipulation, the lies. So why don't you?"
This is the tipping point. The head finally folds.
"Open confrontation is not our method. It never has been.â When it speaks, something in its tone has shifted. A fraction less certain. A degree more defensive. âWe work in the negative space, the quiet places, the moments between moments. To attack openly would be to reveal ourselves. And revelation would meanâ
"The end of the world as we know it." You finish the sentence for them. "I've heard this before. The justification. The excuse. 'If the public knew about us, everything would collapse.' But that's not the real reason, is it?"
No answer. Of course.Â
"The real reason is that you don't actually want to change anything. You like the system. You benefit from it. All this talk of justice, of balance, of punishing the wickedâit's just theater. A way to make yourselves feel like you're the good guys while you keep doing exactly what you've always done: control. Manipulate. Profit."
"That's notâ
"Then prove it." You step toward the table, toward the shadows. No one moves to stop you. "Prove that your justice is real. Attack HYBE openly. Take them down. Free the girls. Let the world see what's been done and who did it."
"We cannot."
"Cannot? Or will not?"
"Cannot," it repeats, and now there's something almost human in it. Frustration. Exhaustion. "Because the system you're asking us to tear down is the same system that keeps the world from descending into chaos. The same system that prevents wars, stabilizes economies, maintains the delicate balance of power. HYBE is a symptom. A small one. To attack it openly would be to reveal the disease. And the disease, once revealed, would spread."
"Bullshit." You're done being careful. "That's the same excuse every tyrant has ever used. 'We must maintain order.' 'The alternative is chaos.' It's a lie. It's always been a lie. You're not protecting the world. You're protecting yourselves. Your power. Your position. The girlsâthey're just collateral. Always have been."
The stillness that follows is different. Thereâs a change in the room; you can feel it. Everyone here can sense the shift.
When the head speaks again, it's as cold as space.
"You have made your position clear. It will be noted." It pauses. "But your argument changes nothing. The subjects are being processed. The operation continues. And youâ" Another pause, longer this time, "You will be returned to your quarters. You will be fed. Monitored. Assessed. Your future will be determined in due course."
"And if I keep resisting?"
"Then the subjects' processing will continue. But we can make it moreâthorough. More permanent. The memories you share with the subject designated Danielleâthey can be removed. From both of you. She will not remember your night together. She will not remember you at all."
Your blood freezes.
"You fucking wouldn't."
"We would. We have. Many times. It is, as you noted, a form of justice. Cruel, perhaps. But effective."
"What do you want?" Youâre one wrong word away from completely snapping, doing something youâll most certainly regret. "What do I have to do?"
"Cooperate. Accept your place in the design. Cease your resistance." The head is almost gentle now, imposing its power with the gentleness of a trap closing. "The subjects will retain their memories of you. Limited, perhaps. Edited. But the core will remain. She will remember that someone cared for her. That she was loved. Is that not worth your compliance?"
You stand in the dark boardroom, surrounded by shadows, facing the very illusion of choice.
"Yes," you concede, yet it feels hollow. "It's worth it."
"Then it's settled. You will be returned to your quarters. You will be monitored. You will be fed. In time, when the processing is complete, you may be granted limited interaction with the subjects. Under supervision. Under control."
You nod. You don't trust yourself to speak any further.
The lights go out. Hands grip your arms. You're led away, back through the endless white corridors, back to the room that is not a room, back to the chair and the table and the coffee that's always new and youâll allow to grow cold.
The door seals behind you.
You sit in the whiteness and think about Danielle. The scene replays in your mind on repeat, the sorry appearance she had in that chamber: her eyes, aware and fading. The metallic band around her temples. Most importantly, the light dimming behind her gaze.
Youâre reminded about the promise: She will remember that someone cared for her. That she was loved.
You think about whether that's enough. If surrendering yourself and your dignity is worth the compromise.
Itâs not a matter of if, but when theyâll walk back on their word.
A tray appears through the slot. Food. Water. You don't touch it.
You sit in the whiteness and wait for a future you no longer believe in, held captive by powers you can't fight, loving a girl who may not remember your name.
Itâs part of the long game, they insist. Justice, they say. You call it what it is: the oldest lie in the world, dressed in new clothes, sold to the willing and forced on the unwilling.
âââââ
The shadows gather in a room that does not exist.
Twelve chairs. Twelve silhouettes. The table stretches between them like a slab of polished night, reflecting nothing. At the head, the empty chair. Above it, the screen, dark and waiting.
They have been here before. Many times. The ritual is familiar: the gathering, the silence, the voice from everywhere and nowhere presiding over their deliberations.
These are the Ascendants. Tier 4. The ones who shape Luminary's will into action.Â
They have never disagreed. They have never doubted. They have never been anything but a single blade, honed to a perfect edge.
However, tonight is a whole other story.
The head speaks first, as it always does. "The subject designated Mars remains in solitary detention. His psychological profile continues to degrade. Emotional attachment to the asset Danielle persists despite all intervention."
A pause. The shadows wait.
"His critique of our methods has been noted. Evaluated. Dismissed." Another pause. "And yet,"
The word lingers. No one dares interrupt. But one of the shadows stirs. A figure near the middle of the table, indistinguishable from the others but for the slight forward tilt of their silhouette.
"His critique had merit."
The room tenses. Anyone can feel it: the shift in atmosphere, the sudden weight of attention focusing on the speaker. No one speaks against the voice. No one ever speaks against the voice.
"Explain," it commands. Flat. Unreadable.Â
"Our operation against HYBE and ADOR has been underway for over a year. The assets have been secured. The subjects have been processed. And yet the targets remain. Bang Si-hyuk continues to operate freely with zero intervention. Min Hee-jin continues her public campaign undeterred. HYBE's stock has stabilized. The legal battle continues with no end in sight."
The objecting shadow is calm, measured, but there's something beneath it. A current. "The subject asked why we don't act openly. Why hide in the shadows while the ones who harmed the assets continue unchecked. It is indeed a valid question."
Another shadow speaks. "We do not act openly because that is not our primary function. We maintain order from behind the veil. To reveal ourselves would be toâ
"To end the world as we know it." The first shadow finishes the sentence with a trace of irony and sarcasm. "Yes. We've all heard it. But is it true? Or is it simply convenient?"
The silence that follows is absolute.
The head speaks. When it does, something has shifted in its tone. A fraction less certain. A degree more human.
"You question the foundation of our purpose."
"I question its application." The first shadow doesn't back down. "We were founded to correct imbalance. To protect the innocent from those who would exploit them. To ensure that power, once given, is used wisely. The parable of the talents is our guiding principle: those who bury their gifts must lose them; those who multiply them must be rewarded."
"Yes."
"Then where is the multiplication? Where is the reward? The assetsâthe five young women we extractedâhave been processed. Their memoriesâedited. Their trauma erased. But for what purpose? So they can return to the industry that harmed them? So they can continue performing for the same companies, the same systems, the same structures that made them assets in the first place?"
"They will perform under our guidance. Our protection."
"Protection." It sounds utterlyâwrong. "We put bands on their temples and rewired their brains. We call that protection?"
A third shadow speaks, quieter than the others. "The subject Mars also noted something else. He said our justice is no different from the justice of the world we claim to control. That we are not correcting the systemâwe are merely replicating it."
The head goes dark. A current of dissent spreads throughout the boardroom. When it speaks again, it's softer than anyone has ever heard it.
"The subject is emotional. Attached. His judgment is compromised."
"Is it?" The first shadow, the first domino, objects again. "Or is he simply seeing what we've trained ourselves to ignore? We've spent months dismantling these girls' trauma responses. We've made them 'healthier,' 'more stable,' 'better able to function.' But we haven't touched HYBE. We haven't touched ADOR. We haven't touched any of the structures that created their trauma in the first place."
"What would you have us do? Attack openly? Reveal ourselves?" Another shadow protests.
"I would have us act." The first shadow leans forward, and for the first time, a fragment of face catches the light: a jaw, a mouth, the corner of an eye. "Not with shadows and manipulation. With consequence. With force. With the kind of justice that cannot be ignored or explained away."
"And if that leads to exposure? To chaos?" It argues.
"Then perhaps chaos is what's needed." The first shadow sits back, vanishing into the darkness. "Perhaps the world we're so desperately protecting isn't worth protecting at all."
The room falls silent again. The head doesn't respond. The screen remains dark.
But something has changed. The Ascendants are not a unified front anymore. Instead they are twelve individuals, each with their own doubts, their own fears, their own growing awareness that the path they've walked for so long may be leading nowhere.
The first crack in the foundation has formed.
âââââ
Two months. You've counted.
Not daysâyou have no way to mark days, no sun, no clock, no change. But you've counted meals. Two a day. Regular. Reliable. One hundred and twenty meals since they brought you back to this room, this chair, this table, this white abyss that never ends.
Two months.
The coffee is always there. Always fresh. You've stopped wondering how they do it. You've stopped wondering about a lot of things.
They gave you books, at first. Then they took them away. No reason given. Then they brought a prototype Nintendo Switch 2, still in its packaging, with a stack of games you've never heard of. You played for a while. Zelda. Mario. The usual escapes. But the games couldn't hold your attention longer than an hour. Nothing can hold you.
Because every time you close your eyes, you imagine her.
Danielle in the chair, with the band around her temples, the light behind her eyes growing dim.
Every time an agent comesâto deliver food, to check monitors, to perform whatever invisible maintenance keeps this place runningâyou ask about them.
"Are they okay?"
No answer.
"Danielle. Minji. Hanni. Haerin. Hyein. Please. Just tell me if they're alive."
Still no answer.
"You're human. I know you are. Under all that training, all that conditioning, you're human. And humans can choose. Humans can help. Just tell me something. Anything."
The agents never respond. They don't even look at you. They come in, they do their tasks, they leave. You're a ghost to them. A problem to be managed, not a person to be acknowledged.
But you keep asking. Because if you stop asking, you stop hoping. And if you stop hoping, you're already dead.
One day, the door opensâthe wall parting, the seam appearingâand an agent enters. Not the one from Brisbane. Someone new. Younger, maybe. Hard to tell. They all look the same after a while.
But this one carries something. A device. Small. Metallic.
They place it on the table. He gestures to you to press the screen.
A hologram flickers to life above the surface.
You see Danielle.
She's standing in a bright space, red carpet walls, elegant displays. An Omega boutique. Japan, the agent said once, before you were taken. Her ambassadorship. The one she signed under contract before everything took place.
"Is sheâ" You suddenly stop. Something feels off. But you try again. "Is she okay?"
The agent doesn't answer. But they don't leave either. They stand by the door, watching, waiting.
The hologram shifts. A new image.
Danielle again. Same event. But this time she's posing for photos, the Omega watch on her wrist catching light, her smile fixed and flawless. The crowd around her is distant, blurred, unimportant. She's the only thing in focus.
You want to smile. You want to believe this means she's free, that they let her go, that she's living her life, that the band around her temples didn't take everything.
But you know better. You know Luminary. You know they don't show you things without a reason.
"She's been released," the agent answers finally.
The words don't register at first. Out of that chair, out of that room, out of their control.
"What?"
"Two weeks ago. All of them. The processing is complete. They've returned to their everyday lives."
You stare at the hologram. Danielle smiles. Blinks. Smiles again. A loop, you realize. A recording, not live. They're showing you a recording.
"Why are you telling me this?"
The agent doesn't answer. They press another button on the device.
The hologram shifts again.
This time, you don't understand what you're seeing at first. A cityscape. Billboards. Screens mounted on buildings, lining streets, dominating plazas. Omega ads, you realize. A new campaign. Danielle's face is on every screen.
There are watches, jewelry, strategic placements of shadow and light. But unmistakably, undeniably bare. Posed like a statue, like a goddess, like something meant to be looked at and desired. Her body is on full display, every curve, every line, every inch of skin. Her expression is serene, confident, unashamed. Her gaze meets the camera with a directness that borders on daring.
Suddenly you can't breathe.
"Whatâ" Your words die. Utter, utter disbelief. "What did you do to her?"
The agent watches you with flat, indifferent eyes. "We removed her inhibitions. Her trauma responses. Her fear of judgment. She is free now. Free to express herself however she chooses."
"Free." Itâs the worst word to describe what youâre seeing. Itâs anything but. "You made her intoâinto this."
"We made her into what she always could have been. Without the weight of expectation. Without the fear of scandal. Without the voices telling her she was too young, too innocent, too pure. She is a woman now. Comfortable in her body. Unashamed of her desires."
The hologram shifts again.
A different room. Darker. Private.
Danielle is there. With men. Four of them. You don't see faces; the camera angles are careful, deliberate, showing only what they want you to see. But you see her. You see them. You see what they're doing to herâthe way she moves, the sounds she makes, the utter lack of inhibition, of shame, of anything resembling the girl who held your hand in a Brisbane backyard and asked if you'd take the fire with her.
You're going to be sick.
The footage plays on. Minutes, hoursâyou don't know. All you know is that you can't look away. Youâre watching the girl you love being passed between strangers, her face a mask of pleasure that might be real or might be programmed, you'll never know, you can never know.
When it ends, the hologram vanishes. The agent stands by the door, waiting.
You don't remember standing; all you know is pure, blinding anger. Your fists are clenched so tight your nails bite into your palms. The agent's weapon is visible now, holstered at their hip, a silent reminder of what happens to those who resist.
But you don't resist.
You stand there, shaking, furious, helpless, and ultimately, nothing.
"Why? Why are you showing me this?"
"Because you asked. Because you wanted to know if she was okay." The agent sounds flat, but there's something beneath itâamusement, maybe. Malice. "She is more than okay. She is exactly what she was meant to be."
"She was meant to be loved. Not used."
"She is loved. By millions. By everyone who sees those billboards, those screens, those images. She is adored. Desired. Worshipped. Isn't that what every idol wants?"
You don't answer. After everything youâve been through with her, that is not what she would have wanted.
The agent turns to leave.
"Wait." Your call stops them. "Is there more?"
A pause. "There is always more."
"Then show me. Whatever it is. Show me."
The agent regards you for a moment, but they ultimately leave. The wall seals behind them, leaving you by yourself to think about what you just watched.
You return to your chair, and you stay there for a long, long time.
âââââ
Several months pass.
You stop counting meals, counting anything. The Switch 2 sits untouched, its games gathering dust you can't quite see. You eat because your body demands it. You sleep because exhaustion takes its toll. The rest of the time, you sit in the chair and think about her.
Danielle on those billboards. Danielle in that room. Danielle with strangers, making sounds you thought were meant only for you.
But knowing doesn't help. Knowing doesn't stop the images from playing behind your eyelids every time you close your eyes.
The seasons change outside, wherever outside is. You don't feel them. The room is always white, always the same temperature, always the same light. Youâre existing in a perpetual present, a now that never ends.
Until one day in November:
The door opens. An agent enters. Different from beforeâolder, maybe, or just more tired. They carry a tablet.
"The ADOR contracts," they start. No preamble. No context. "A ruling has been reached."
You sit up. Your heart, which you thought had stopped feeling anything, gives a hard kick.
"The contracts are to be upheld. The original terms remain in force. The subjects are bound to ADOR until 2029."
The words don't make sense. They fought so hard. The livestream, the pleas, the testimony before the National Assembly. Hanni's tears. Minji's steady composure. Danielle's desperate hope. All of it, all of itâ
"In addition, three of them have agreed to return." The agent reads from the tablet, his tone persistently, annoyingly flat. "Hanni. Haerin. Hyein. They have accepted the terms and will resume activities under the ADOR banner soon. The remaining twoâMinji and Danielleâremain undecided. Their legal teams continue to negotiate."
You're on your feet. You don't remember standing.
"No."
The agent looks up. "No?"
"They wouldn't. They'd never. They foughtâthey fought so hardâ"
"They fought. They lost. The system you so despise has made its judgment. The girls have made their peace."
"This isn't peace. This isâ"
You stop. Breathe. Try to find words that don't exist. "They would rather die than go back. You know that. You've seen the footage, the testimony, everything they said. They called HYBE inhumane. They begged to be free. And now you're telling me they justâgave up?"
"The human spirit has limits. Even theirs." The agent tucks the tablet away. "Your distress is noted. It changes nothing."
They turn and make their leave. But you stop them one more time:
âDanielle. The ads. Theâthe other footage. Is that why she's undecided? Because she'sâbecause of what you did to her?"
The agent pauses at the door. For a moment, something flickers in their expression, one too fast to read.
"The subject designated Danielle is processing her options. Her current activities areâexpressive. Whether they conflict with ADOR's requirements is a matter for the courts to determine."
He takes his step back. The wall seals, and heâs no longer there.. You're all alone again.
You sink back into the chair. Your legs won't hold you anymore. Your chest feels hollow, scraped out, empty.
Hanni. Haerin. Hyein. Going back. Returning to the company that called them immature kids in leaked messages. Returning to the system that tried to bury them. Returning to the prison they fought so hard to escape. It soundsâunbelievable. After everything theyâve been through.
Meanwhile, Danielleâshe's undecided. Adrift. Naked on billboards and in private rooms, her body a product, her face a brand, her true self somewhere lost in all that brainwashing.
You failed them. All of them. You thought you could protect her, save her, be something other than what Luminary made you. But in the end, you're just another piece of their design. Another tool that broke and was discarded.
The whiteness swallows you whole. This time, you let it utterly consume you.
âââââ
On a screen before him, the head of the table monitors his prisoner in the white room, relishing in watching his spirit utterly crumble in real time. He replays the moment the agent delivers the news about ADOR. The way his face collapses, the way his body folds, the way hope finally, definitively dies in his eyes.
It's beautiful.
The head leans back in his chairâa real chair, in a real room, not the shadow-boardroom where the Ascendants meet. This is his private quarters. His sanctuary. Here, he can be himself. Here, he can feel what he feels without the weight of leadership, without the need for absolute control.
And what he feels is satisfaction. Enough to get a laugh that reeks of pure schadenfreude.
The prisoner dared to question their ways, dared to challenge the status quos. Dared to suggest that Luminary's justice was no different from the world's. And the result: he sits in his cell, broken, watching the girl he loves become something he can't recognize, watching her friends return to the very system that harmed them.
This is justice. This is balance. This is what happens when one forgets their place in the cog.
Just as heâs about to indulge in his prisonerâs downfall one more time, the door slides open. A subordinate enters: one of his personal staff, trusted, vetted, loyal.
"Sir. The Ascendants are requesting another meeting. Some of them have expressedâgrave concern."
The head doesn't swivel their chair. "Concern about what?"
"The prisoner. His critiques. They're circulating. Gaining traction. There's talk that our methods have becomeâ" The subordinate hesitates. "That they've become personal."
"Personal."
His teeth gnash as he says it. It feels like a taunt.
"That you may be motivated by something other than the mission. That your judgment is compromised byâ"
"By what?"
A second crack in the otherwise perfect armor: a sudden rise of his otherwise controlled inflection, a flare of heightened emotion. A spark of vulnerability.
The subordinate doesn't answer. Itâs right there. At their very core.Â
Finally, the head turns from the screen. His face is shadowed, unreadable, but his tone maintains its usual calm. Controlled, like this is all part of the plan.
It really isnât.Â
âTell them the mission continues as planned. HYBE will fall. ADOR will fall. Everyone who harmed those girls will pay. But it takes time. The long game. They know this."
"And the prisoner?"
"The prisoner stays. For now. He's useful. A reminder." A pause. "Besides, he's not wrong about everything. Our justice is different from the world's. It's better. More complete. Moreâsatisfying."
The subordinate nods, and turns to leave.
"One more thing." The head stops them. "The Omega campaign. The private footage. Make sure more is produced. Regularly. I want the prisoner to have a front-row seat to Danielle'sâliberation."
The subordinate's expression flickers. Just barely. "Sir, is thatâ"
"Is it what?"
"Necessary. For the mission."
The head regards them for a moment. Their loyal subordinate, seemingly objecting to an ideaâa foreign, rare thing.
"Is that a question, or a judgment?"
A beat of silence. A deep gulp can be heard. Ultimately, they relent: "Neither, sir. I'll see to it."
The subordinate leaves. The head turns back to the screen, to the prisoner in his white room, to the exquisite architecture of his suffering.
But in the corridor outside, the subordinate pauses. They lean against the wall. Breathes.
This is no longer about justice, but personal satisfaction. Revenge dressed in philosophy, wearing the clothes of the greater good.Â
The subordinate straightens themselves before walking right to their office. They lock their door. Check twice for good measure. And when itâs safe, they write:
To the prisoner in Cell 40: You were right. About some of it. About more than you know. There are those of us who still believe in what we were meant to be. Who still believes in the original purpose of our founders. You will be released. Not today, not tomorrow. But soon. Watch for the signal.
Trust no one but yourself.
âxx
They quickly seal the note in an envelope and summon an agent for its immediate release. The entire sequence goes completely undetected.
"This needs to be delivered to Cell 40 at once,â the subordinate requests. âUnder the head's authority."
The anonymous agent hesitates. "The head's authority?"
The subordinate meets their eyes, steady and certain. "Yes. His authority. He wants the prisoner to have it. Personal attention."
A lie. A clear, obvious lie. The agent knows it. The subordinate knows they know.
Nevertheless, the agent takes the note, nods, then leaves at once.
The subordinate watches them go, their heart relentlessly pounding as they track them through security cameras. Once the agent is out of view, they pick up the phone. Make a call.
"We need to talk. Quietly. And I need you to connect me with someone."Â
A beat. The man on the other side of the line asks who theyâre looking for.
âKarinaâs handler. Yes, that one. Tell them it's time. The head of the table has been compromised.â
âââââ
(A/N: okay we've never been so back. NJZ never die :)
apologies for vanishing for a month to focus on my thesis and thankfully, it was a successful defense! graduation soon and full time writing :D
as for the fic, like many of you, i was heartbroken upon hearing Danielle's departure and eventual lawsuit, but it also made great inspo for the next Luminary Files chapter. Still firmly believe this is HYBE trying to fracture the group by making her seem like she balked against the members, and as you can see with the recent Min Heejin update, they are still vulnerable and prone to being wrong. It's fucking depressing when you just want them to live normal lives instead of wanting more music or for them to continue their idol careers, as long as the members are happy and free. And I guess if you've been keeping up with the series' lore and continuity, shit just got spicy lol. It's probably getting a little too real for me to write given I feel that Luminary resembles the files that shall not be named and how fucked everything on there is. Not committing to a full series n all that, maybe at least 2-3 more chapters before I close this series for good, which I think is reasonable for what might happen next. Thank you for reading!)
a/n: it's been a week late, but happy anniversary to this blog lol. I had this one-shot in the draft for many months, but I have only gotten to finish it recently. more yapping at the end, but like I often say many times before, I'm just glad it's done and I hope you like it.
âCongratulations on this new launch, Miss Lee.â You overhear a suited man in his fifties speaking to a young woman in a dark red dress. âThis is quite the ambitious milestone.â
âKamsahamnida, Mister Song,â the woman gestures a soft bow as her smile is widening. âThe team has planned and worked a lot for this project for months. Iâm glad it paid off.â
âIâm sure your parents are proud of this achievement,â the man continues. âHaving made such a great investment for you, making a kind of bold, and risque decision.â
You only heard fragments of their conversation from a distance of the ball room. And yet, you could tell from her look just hearing that older manâs backhanded compliment. Her forced smile, deep inhalation, and forcibly straightened posture in front of him. As you can only observe, she goes on to say something to the board member that cuts their conversation short, albeit maintaining both their formal facades. The two parted ways a moment after, making you watch his grin melting away, much like his fragile ego. Sheâs no stranger to clapping back at insults while still keeping it classy, no matter who they might be. But, still, you felt like you could have done something to defend her honor.
Too bad thatâs not your job, not tonight, at least. Your eyes meet hers for a second. Her smileâs now showing her sly and somewhat proud satisfaction, before she approaches her team with a wider genuine beam. Even as a leader, she has treated them like any other friend she has. Thatâs one absolute strength you can say about her personality.
You didnât know how else to live your life, so you decided to spend your twenties being tasked with protecting othersâ lives for a living, especially ones who had the money for it. It just happened to be this one family and their closest associates. You maintained your eyes around your surroundings for their own safety and protection. That was how things felt like for you in the last two to three years. Boredom or caution found on two sides of the same coin in your lines of duty.
Still, having a personal life was something you couldnât afford, not all the time anyways. Plus, you get paid a lot, at least more than most of your siblings and relatives. You remembered how they used to boast about your astonishing payload, and yet, hearing them whine or grumble about their simpler yet content livelihoods made you think about some grievances youâve withheld about your employers here and there.
Lee Chaeyoung has proven to be quite a handful. Youâve kept your distance, but you still have to be close enough. Itâs ironic, and tiresome, and repetitive. But a jobâs a job. Being a personal bodyguard whoâs loyal to two entities: the Lees and the Nopeun Corporation, perhaps more on the former in recent times.
Sheâs⊠Something. Someone that made you feel at ease. Not bored, but threatened. You donât know if you should keep entertaining these kinds of one-on-one meetings. Theyâre not even meetings, in the traditional sense. Not what you were used to before, anyways.
This job was far from what everyone else sees in dramas or manhwas. Mostly alert and anticipation, rarely the thrill and sensation one would see happen in a climactic scene.
Ever since she rose up into the position of the companyâs Brand Manager last year, she made you feel like you were also her exclusive personal bodyguardâtwenty-four seven. Sure, youâve tackled a few dozen creeps or sasaengs during her public conferences like she was an idol people are obsessed with. But then again, models also need protection. She made herself more famous the more she got involved in fashion. Your face would make it into some headlines because of those instances, but you werenât special. Your fellow officers also showed up, perhaps more than you have on-screen. Your jobâs to protect certain faces, not show off your own.
Tonight, you receive a text as soon as the ceremony has reached its closing remarks.
[Ms. Lee Chaeyoung]: Head to my room once youâre done.
A.S.A.P.
But the things, you get to see her more often. Much like you approached her parents and supervisors, you rarely questioned her intentions. As far as you know, theyâve never had criminal records or devastating controversies for you or your firm to worry about. Has a respected and even revered reputation in the last decade or so. You werenât just lucky to be employed by them, youâre also lucky tagging along with them often. With her, even.
You couldnât reply while youâre reporting to your team leader right after the closing, considering how none of these particular texts has ever been part of your protocols.
{Ne, Miss Lee. Algesseumnida. Iâll be there in five minutes.}
Youâre lucky that you were second-in-command at this point in your job, otherwise you wouldnât have been able to do whatever youâre often doing after these events. Being in a hotel with thousands of guests isnât new to you. Your service to Chaeyoung hasnât either.
You have known the woman, or Miss Lee as you often called her, more than most of your closest friends in the last four years, even though she was not just your main employersâ precious daughter, but she had also basically become your employer at times. When and what her schedules are, wherever she heads. Even what she ate. It was quite a buzz when you first heard that she has a generation of food allergies, something youâve been taught and trained to look out for. For someone with a library of expertise on fashion, sheâs got a limited palate. You didnât judge her, not even in your most gossipy thoughts, you just found it another fascinating trait, aside from it making you feel more pressured once.
Tonight was the gala for their companyâs latest release. A brand new series of clothing was released. Collaborations with other organizations like ModHaus and HYPE were in talks too, but you hear executives didnât want any other news to overshadow their latest milestone. On flashy and festive nights like this, you could mostly talk to fellow officers through comms, hand gestures, or murmurs between short distances, but once things had wrapped, itâs just you and her tonight. You didnât know whether to feel irritated because you feel like youâre just getting an extra shift or because of something else.
âDidnât expect a bodyguard of ours to be eavesdropping on a talk between executives,â she assumes while sitting on the bed. Her room is dimly lit, oddly emitting a tense yet also soothing atmosphere. One can place some roses on the bed and it wouldâve made things romantic, but this is not that kind of meeting. It never has been.
Even without the comms on your ears, you keep your posture straight, still maintaining the same mindset you have on duty. âIn my defense, maâam, I thought Mister Song was trying to sound intimidating to you earlier⊠I believe he was worth keeping an eye on.â
She tilted her head to the left, showing a smug smile she wouldnât even show to anyone else.âI got it under control,â the woman flaunts with her nonchalant hand gestures, but her facadeâs enough to cover the butterflies on her stomach and her heart racing faster.
âIâm just looking out for potential threats,â you try to justify your wholehearted worry.
Your concern towards her makes her more curious. âHmmm⊠Well, letâs not talk about that⊠Iâve had enough of my parentsâ goons. Iâve chatted with enough of them tonight.â
Being in the same room with only her, again, in the last six months slowly warms, nay heats up the room with her mere presence. A part of you is now looking for a way out. You may have known each other, but friends is not a word youâd describe about each other. It simply didnât suit it. âUnderstood⊠So, do you need anything else, maâam?â
She scoffs. âAre we still playing the same old game, Agent Kang?â Of course, she senses how youâre trying to rush things, but sheâs not letting that happen. Not without trying to get a certain reaction out of you.
âWell, you know⊠I thought youâd be interested in someone else by nowâŠâ You cannot help but break your professional lingo and willingly fall into her verbal trap. âGoing out with another set of faces, instead of toying around with the same man on your payroll.â
She scoffs again, her eyebrows raising in amusement at your grumble. âToying around?â
Sheâs not one to be ashamed of her dating and sex life. Who or how many people she has slept with was never your business, until you unfortunately entered that list. That makes her scandalous to some of her older and pearl-clutching peers, but in a way, that makes you respect her. In general, when her mind is set on something, she does not give a fuck about anyone else. âYou might be enjoying these games, but Iâm still just another one of your bodyguards, Miss LeeâŠâ But sometimes her bewitching delivery can be somewhat patronizing, and with your response, she just got what she was expecting.
âAnd what do bodyguards do?â purrs the woman. She takes one step closer to you. You donât know whether to feel belittled, like you would in front of her and her parents. This has always been a job for you. âProtect and serve⊠Right?â You donât know if you wanna feel more submissive either, similar to moments like this one, you think you would have only disappointed no one else but yourself for going through this when you couldâve just said no, like you did a year ago.
âMostly just the first part. Iâm not a cop,â you mumble with your hoarse, and slowly quivering tone. How this woman can just constantly send shivers through your own spine far more than your own many superiors and commanders had in half a decade often bewilders you. Her face inches closer, her lips now just a foot away from yours. Her right hand makes its way into your inner shirtâs buttons, her left on your jacket, ready to pull it on an impulse.
The woman can feel your breath slowly heaving. She knows what youâre gonna think, like you have before. This can be seen as an abuse of power. Sheâs read your mind, not like she hasnât done that before. God, you remember how you were so lonely outside of work. Even when you were seeing someone else, that very cold and quiet sensation has always been your companion when youâre in the field. But whenever youâre around her, and only her, that same cold transforms into something more excitable. More thrilling.
âIt doesnât change my argument⊠But, then again, you can just say no,â she teases you further, the breath of her chuckle sending shivers down your spine, her fingers having unbuttoned most of your shirt, leaving only one left. âItâs not like, itâs the first time we did it.â You know what youâre missing out when you say no to this woman, every other time youâve done so gave you a sense of withdrawal of some sorts. âThe times I repaid you.â Her hand now rests on your chest while you remain frozen in place like a stone. Another part of you doesnât back out.
âYou didnât have to repay me for anything, Chaeyoung-ssiâŠâ Thatâs what your brain always wished to tell this woman. âYou never had to... Itâs always been my jobââ Your cadence, however, only makes her feel more patronized, as if she needed to feel it again. To be reminded that she'll always be her parentsâ daughter and nothing more than that.
âI know... But you wanted it. Didnât you?â Her question only struck a nerve back at you, a bullet striking through your filters of professionalism.
âCome on, just look me in the eye and tell me if you no longer want this. Just one word, Yoojoon-ah, then you can leaveââ
Having made up your mind in the heat of this moment, you follow your body and walk her forward, pinning her to the wall as your lips clash. You can feel her smile before her arms wrap around your neck with her swaying body, welcoming your hunger to deepen the kiss while your hands latch onto her curves, sliding from her chest down to her hips like a screener, only in this situation, any sense of discomfort has been thrown into the air. Her tongue invades your mouth first, but your larger tongue twirls hers like theyâre dancing. She only lets out yelps and moans throughout the makeout session while she finally claws through your last button and strips your upper clothes down the floor.
Chaeyoung breaks your kiss. âJust what I expected. You missed fucking me.â You seize the chance to kiss her elsewhere while she keeps chortling and taunting you. You start familiarizing her body again, starting on her neck, down her collarbone and latch onto her breasts. âFucking my body with your big, thick, hard cock.â She cups your face with both hands and goes back straight to your mouth. She knows sheâs fine as hell, and you keep on reminding yourself how lucky you are and how fucking insane this situation is.
What she said was an understatement. From a renowned supermodel to a meticulous fashion designer, this woman has brains, brawn, and beauty. How could you not miss her? Youâve never admitted how you miss Chaeyoung every second youâre not around her. Even if this will jeopardize your reputation and years-long profession. This brought you the real thrill, yet this also seems like the kind of break youâve always been dying to do in your spare time, and once again, youâre doing it with her. Kissing her and more gave you a push. You can taste the bitter and sweet traces of dessert and liquor on her mouth, reminding you how she can handle alcohol far better than most. Including you.
Before you can get on one knee, the woman holds onto your wrist. âOh, no, you donât,â she mocks, pulling you down on the bed first, right in the middle. She crawls forward until she reaches your erect member, ecstatic that her hands immediately latch onto your manhood with hunger. âItâs been a while since Iâve had something this good.â Without mercy, she unzips your pants and lets it slide off the bed, straight on the carpet right beneath it.
Itâs true youâve done this whole charade time and time again, but sheâs still technically your boss. She has called the shots before. Sheâll be giving you some later, right after she takes your cock. Youâve always assumed she has taken in larger ones than yours, but the fact that her eyes light up as your member springs out of your undies makes you realize how miniscule your insecurities matter in the pursuit of attaining pleasure inside closed doors.
She does all her preparation within a minute, lubing you up with her tongue, and wastes no time to open her mouth as wide as she can and takes you inside until your tip reaches her throat. The pleasure firing from your balls up to your spine only makes you clench your fingers and toes in place. Giving your testicles a light squeeze with one hand, she makes sure you lock eyes with her, even just for a moment, before she starts bobbing her head on your member in a smooth up and down motion, sucking you like a popsicle.
âFuck⊠Chae⊠Mmmmmnngggood girl,â you grit your teeth while your fingernails dig through her hair, holding onto through the head of her movement, as if youâre holding onto the lap bar of a rollercoaster as her mouth gradually brings you to greater heights.
Keeping the same rhythm under an accelerated pace in the next eight minutes of your own moans rising alongside the stimulation building up from your balls to the rest of your body, such an inevitable pressure makes you eventually hit your breaking point. Your cock bursts at Chaeyoungâs face without much warning, blasting most of your warm, thick, and sticky seed on her open mouth. As usual, she swallows it down with a smile, followed by a relieving exhalation. Youâre not sure if itâs ever possible for someone to be allergic to cum, youâve only heard of it, but youâre somewhat grateful that sheâs not.
She licks off even the leftovers off her tip, constantly making you tingle. âI canât believe that⊠After all that⊠I still want you so fucking badâŠâ You can hear the bittersweetness in her low but persistent voice, believing that a minutes-long blowjob will cool down her libido, just to realize that it fuels both of you to take things further.
âSame same,â you huff, before spreading your drooling mouth across her neck while her moans keep growing at your smooth movement. Slowly, you begin to undress her fancy clothing with expertise. âYou know, I kinda miss your red hair.â
âI bet you do,â she giggles, her warm breath mixing in with her own sweat and perfume. You move down on her collarbone and lick off more of her essence. She closes her eyes, savoring the feeling of being coated by your lips and tongue until you unlock her black bra. You both remember how much a mere change in hair color made you fuck her the whole night until she passed out, combined with her more daring outfits on or off the runway. âGo on. What else?â
âYour skin, your lips. Your thighs, your pussy,â you blurt out every word you can think of like a primitive while caressing her ass cheeks with both hands, encouraging her to take her panties off. âThey, uhâyou really drive me insane, Chaeyoung-ah.â Now that youâve completely undressed her, you attack her lips again and let her lie down on the bed with you on top, allowing her to touch your torso from your pecs down to your abs.
âIâm glad it makes you feel that way, oppa,â she chuckles through the kiss, making you get a hint of the slice of that vegan chocolate cake she took a bite of earlier. The dessert tastes decent, but itâs her mouth thatâs always irresistible. âMakes me feel Iâm wanted.â
You were confused why she kept calling you oppa when youâve long known about your age gap of two months, with her being the older one. You never brought it up, because, throughout this entire night, your senses have become almost completely submissive to her scents. Her voice has always made you follow her into the many worlds sheâs made for yourselves. When she called you oppa, you were her oppa. Sheâd be your slave when she wanted to, or the other way around. Behind the curtains, she could make herself your slave when she felt like it. Some nights, you were her daddy, even though that took your mind countless times to adjust and be reminded of the fact that her wild kinks had nothing to do with her father or some of her exes much like with you and your exes.
âYou still like it, like that, huh? How Yeeun-ie used to call you all those times⊠Oppa.â Speaking of who, but before you can process, she attacks your lips, groaning in hunger for more. You are lucky you werenât even thinking about Yeeun except now, but that is only because Chaeyoung brought her up. Itâs been almost two years now; she deserves way better, even if you also think the same for Chaeyoung.
She has teased you about your ex before, but looking back, her twisted way or playing or pretending really did turn you on, strangely enough. Her letting you have some illusion of power over her for one night. Unfortunately for you, hearing it didnât feel as sweet to your ears, no matter how mouthwatering this womanâs lips are.
âCan we not?â you grumble as you part your lips from her for a second, trying your best not to stop the heat and momentum between you.
âMianhaeyo,â she breathes with a somewhat nervous chuckle, licking and kissing on your neck and massaging your shaft in the hopes of calming you down or distracting you, or both. Either way, itâs working.
âGwenchanayo,â you murmur, before moving your mouth onto her tits. âJust not in the mood.â Not for old and bitter memories. âIâd rather just let us be equals for one nightâŠâ You take a deep breath, and level her eyes. âI just want you, Chaeyoung-ssi, you know?â
The womanâs smile toned down, albeit still assertive and, oddly, touched by your words. âThen, umm, you should try calling me by my stage name.â
 âArasseoâŠâ A chuckle of relief forms from your lungs and leaves your lips, now curving upwards at her affirmation towards your call. âIsa-yah.â
With her smirk reforming, she whispers two simple words right next to your right ear, something that further hardens your already standing cock. âGood boyâŠâ
Keeping yourself together in spite of Chaeyoungâs spine-chilling and cock-throbbing whisper, you intend to get down on your knees and return the favor to her. She only stops you halfway, sensing you wiggle her legs and back away from her on the bed.
âI canât wait anymore,â she begs, subconsciously keeping you closer with both her arms wrapped around you, letting her emotion take over her carnal desperation for a second.
âYou wouldnât want me to be rough, would you?â you quickly try to warn her of your worry, still remembering how hard youâve literally gone inside her in the past.
âI thought youâd know what I want by now,â she lightens up at your question. âIt doesnât matter.â Unbeknownst to you, sheâs had a less concerned and more thrilling recollection at what youâre trying to remind her.
âWell, I canât risk it,â your hands encourage her to move and wiggle on to the middle of the bed on her back. âBesides, itâs not fair youâre the only one who gets to eat⊠Right?â
âDonât worry, Isa-yah, this wonât be long,â you assure her before digging your moist lips straight to her moist, clean-shaven pussy. Oh, how youâve missed her taste. You let your tongue let loose inside her slit, while your right thumb and index finger make their way through her clit and labia, reexamining her nethers by instinct. Only Isaâs growing wail and moans keep pushing you to quicken your pace and maintain your rhythm until she starts squirting in your hand and cheeks. Throughout your quick feast, your erection is not only making you impatient, but it makes you groan through her cunt. Such a series of noises reverberating down her body suddenly cuts her gradual build-up of pleasure, accelerating it within seconds while her fingers from both hands anchor on your hair.
Her squirts stop and quickly turn into a barrage of juices, erupting and latching right on your face. Like a badger, your tongue quickly licks off the nectar on your chin and cheek. You lean closer to Isa, signaling her to lick on the unreachable spots across your face like a thirsty cat, before pulling you back into her lips. In the loud tango of your tongues, you share your essence for a minute, leaving a trail of saliva between your lips once you part.
âI donât wanna keep the princess waiting,â you whisper in her ear. Chaeyoung only digs her upper teeth on her lower lip, grinning with glee. However, before you can latch your lips on hers for the nth time, she rolls her body, now lying on her stomach. âThen donât,â she shoots back, wiggling her legs and flaunting her for you to awe with. You donât waste more time and position your cock inches away from her cunt, still dripping in her juices. Thereâs two holes, three if you count the small gap between her thick thighs, currently in your sight, all of which keep your mouth drooling and your mind recalling the times you fucked each of them. Despite your three seconds of indecisiveness, thereâs no doubt that you know you miss her pussy the most. With both palms, you give her ass cheeks a slow tight squeeze, thirsting to hear her purry groan before reverting your focus on her cunt.
You always preferred seeing her face go crazy while you do it, but this position turns you all the same. Your two fingers rub on her moist entrance, before inserting your manhood through it. Keeping your left hand intertwined with her, you thrust your hips forward, as you move inside her warm and tight walls, starting slow and steady with your entry until you finally reach her cervix. At the second her moans tone down, you now thrust faster.
Holding her waist and ramming your throbbing cock in and out of her tightening cunt, she keeps on giving you screams of praise and affection in such a manner that your own rationale only hopes no one else outside this room will hear. Somehow your lustful side wishes for her to howl louder, wanting her moans for everyone else to know that you are giving each other the nights of your lives. That only you, a mere bodyguard, can take this otherworldly, ethereal, and godly (whatever else you can use to describe her superiority) woman to cloud nine, and now, itâs happening all over again, perhaps in higher places you have only dared to explore a few times. You do everything you can to add to your penetration by giving her right plump and jiggling ass cheek a couple of fast smacks, followed by sliding your left palm under her breast, massaging it like a round pillow which prompts the woman to stretch her neck and raise her head, facing the ceiling.Â
âFuck, youâre such a goddess, Isa-yah⊠Chaeyoung-ah, youâre breathtaking!â you roar next to her ear. She chuckles, returning your praises by pulling your head from behind with one hand and giving you a kiss. Neither of your lips completely close, allowing you to hear each otherâs moans, revel at your scents, and let your tongues sloppily entangle.
Several more minutes into rocking her body, Chaeyoung places her right hand on your wrist, prompting you to slow down. âJamkkanmanâŠyo⊠Yoojoon-ah!â she stammers, closing her eyes through the waves of pleasure thatâs kept her paralyzed. âIâaaauuugh, want⊠to⊠look⊠at⊠you!â Within three seconds, you grunt with a quick nod and pull out of her entrance as she turns around and lies on her back once more. âNggghâŠâ
With her arms wrapping around yours, she pulls you back into position, willingly letting herself be impaled by your falling member inside her at the fastest pace. Louder cries of both surprise and stimulation erupt from her mouth. Thank God for thicker hotel walls, because you get to hear her clear and dreamy, high-pitched screams while you fuck her, long enough for her eyes to start rolling to the back of her head. With one more trick up your sleeve, your libido drives you to stretch her left arm, lean closer to her armpit, and stick your tongue out to lick her sweet, sharp, and tangy sweat off her skin with ecstasy. Like her pussy, she adjusts her hold on you by wrapping her legs around your waist and securing herself to this bumpy ride to paradise.
âIâm soooooo close!â Despite her level of stimulation matching yours, she starts to run out of breath with her squirts starting to go off rails, with her grip around your shoulder faltering, and yet, she makes sure to tell you, nay, beg you the words, âIâm fuckâŠing safe, Yooooojoon-iiiieee! Don't⊠you dare⊠Pull the fuckâauuuuuggghhh!â She comes again.
At this moment, your stamina can no longer catch up with your speed, yet you still keep thrusting inside her walls while sucking on her neck with eyes closed. As your muscles begin to sore from your arms to legs, you realize thereâs too much build-up for you to hold inside your cock. Itâs time, you give yourself the signal to let go of the pressure. Admittedly, youâve fired your seed deep inside her more than youâve fired a gun at anything in the last two years. But this feeling is infinite times superior, hence you can only thank the heavens for growing up a lover a little more than a fighter. With her eyelids half shut, Chaeyoungâs tongue remains stuck out until her final orgasm dwindles down with you. You try to roll down to her side, but with your cock still inside her, the woman instinctively lies on the side as you plummet on the left side of the bed with ease.
As you breathe in front of each other, your conscience is torn on whether to inch farther away from her or stay like this, but she holds her arms tighter around you, finally giving you the answer for yourself in action. Even your cock has yet to pull out of her cunt, but she doesnât seem to mind this sticky entanglement either way.
Youâre never the best with words, but your heart pushes your mind anyways while itâs at its loudest. âYou know, uhhh⊠I know it sounds, ummm, pretty fucking corny, but I am really proud of everything youâve done, Chaeyoung-ah. I know none of it has been easy, but youâre tough. Iâm really happy everything is paying offâŠâ You take a deeper breath, before concluding your confession. âYou deserve every good thing, and more.â
Seeing the womanâs eyes widen for a moment along with her smile widening in silence, Chaeyoung doesnât say anything and leans her lips only an inch away from yours. Itâs an invitation you havenât and can never say no to. You cup her smooth chin and clash your lips together. That is another way of her saying âthank you,â besides making you stay with her until dawn arrives. Your tongues dance once again in the sweetness of your taste, but itâs not enough to fuel your lust. Not for tonight, at least, as your mouths part after a long minute, allowing you to slowly pull your cock out of her at the same time.
âI donât think itâd be possible for me to get to this point without you⊠By my side,â she confesses in return, sliding her fingers across your chest, giving you a gentle, motherly, even, stroke that eases down your slight nervousness. âGomawoyo, Kang Yoojoon-ah.â
âYouâre flattering,â you chuckle, but both of you can already feel each other's heart beating a little louder, much faster, thereâs no doubt about either of your sincerity.
âBy your logic, youâre being dramatic too,â she pouts, lightly pinching your muscles, making you wail for a long second, humbly taking it in before she rubs it right after.
âOkay, okay... I surrender,â you caress her hair. âI wanna thank you as well, princessâŠâ
âDo you really wanna call me that?â she giggles. âRight before leaving the room?"
âAniya, aniya. Iâm not going anywhere till morning,â you reassure her, at the same moment your mischievous side kicks in. âThat is, if you want me to leave, I canââ
âYou better not,â she interrupts with a menacing yet whiny tone and mumbly delivery, lightly pulling your hand. ââCause Iâm the only one who can protect you tonight.â After exchanging a lighthearted chuckle, you pepper kisses on her forehead before tightening your embrace with a slow and gentle wrap around yourselves with the blanket, giving Chaeyoung the chance to rest her head on yours. Your breathing relaxes through the soothing mixture of your scents. Your eyelids close and your beats relax, resting in the rhythm of the night winter breeze until you've become one with the silence.
This night feels the most different. You only thanked whatever divine being might have been present in time for you to confess those words, despite your usual constraints and reservations. At this point in your life, you know that you would do anything more than pleasing her body and protecting her heart. Keeping her in your arms, you only have an intuition. However things may play out, you have a feeling: everythingâs gonna be okay.
= = =
âJamkkanman, JamkkanmanâŠâ Your friend from your left, notices something sparkly on your finger while you take a long sip of your hot dubai chocolate latte. âYoojoon-ah⊠Where the hell did you get that ring?â
Placing your mug on the table, you can only chuckle in disbelief. Todayâs a weekend, and the first time in ten months since you and your closest buds have met up for breakfast at a local restaurant, and considering how youâve offered to treat them for meals, being the quietest one in the bunch for half an hour only made things more obvious. Within a split second, you try to come up with a reasonable excuse. âThis is just a coupleâs ringâŠâ Too bad, youâre not as quick-witted as you are outside the line of duty, especially not in front of these two.
Insik mouth gapes wider, slowly inching closer to your ring finger like something precious is calling to him. âSeolmaâŠâ From your right, he carries your hand with brighter eyes. âIs this what I think this is?â
Jungbong scans your ring with his phone camera, quickly scanning your ring with the GPT app. âHoly shit, thatâs damn expensive, man!â He covers his own mouth, quickly showing the results to Insik and then you. âThat canât be just a normal coupleâs ring.â
âDidnât look up the price, but maybe it is,â you shrug, your carefree tone balancing their mixed bewilderment and excitement. âI donât know⊠Whatâs the big deal?"
âWhatâs the big deal? Dude, you didnât tell us you even had a girlfriend!â Jungbong gives you a soft knuckle on your shoulder, making you groan and squint your eyes.
âThat's because you guys rarely ask about it!â you raise your hands in the air, treating this moment as if youâre now caught committing some kind of crime, which to be fair, wouldâve been the case if it wasnât for how smooth and hopeful things have turned out. âBut yeah, now that you have, I guess thatâs something that I'll have to confirm to you.â
âIs this why youâre treating us for breakfast?â With a wide grin on his face, Jungbong goes direct with you. âYouâre letting us order a full meal this early!â
âI mean, you guys wanted to meet outside reunions, so I just took the chance to treat yâall,â you answer without a tone of pretentiousness or sounding like a tryhard. âAnd this?â You look at your ring with a hopeful and longing beam. And just the thought of Chaeyoung begins to make your heartbeat louder to your ear. âI guess things just, uh, turned out this way.â
âWaaaaahh, I couldnât be happier for you, man!â Insik shakes your shoulder. âBut what about the lucky lady? Is she okay with your job? I mean, looking at you. Iâm sure she is,â he adds the question with a hint of usual concern, but mostly out of hopeful curiosity.
âWhy wouldn't she be?â You would rather let the illusion play for now. Not because your friends are secretly working for scoopers, but you only canât risk your personal life being yet to be thrown into the jaws of the celebrity spotlight. Before such inevitability comes. Youâd trust them as much as your own family. As much as you trust your own beloved.
âYou know, âcause you rarely get to have free time, even on the weekends,â Jungbong brings back the truth of your colder past, which Insik slowly nods. âLike dude, I hope youâve thought that through⊠You couldnât even have a longer relationship then.â
âI know, I knowâŠâ You appreciate their concerns, but they do not affect your optimism. Your renewed sense of hope, free from the chains of your past shortcomings. âBut, Iâve thought it through.â Youâve gone through a lot to make this decision. To have listened and followed your heart for once, rather than all orders and protocol. âWe both did.â
Youâre unable to conceal your laughter as they continue to congratulate you in this sudden reveal. Together, the three of you bump your ring fingers, celebrating your respective loves. Thereâs no point in hiding this... Well, most of it. âIndeed, I am.â
= = =
just a long-ass yap session here, some kind of reflection and whatnot.
looking back, I'm not as fast and as active as I was since I first wrote my earlier fics and it's mostly because lots of personal stuff happened, combined with my inconsistent self-esteem with writing here, and will keep on happening (adults gotta adulting), so I just could not put out anything within a short time. but, one thing that I am sure of, is I will continue to write because I love doing this. this has mostly been just a hobby, after all. even if that's the case, I'll always be grateful that the stuff I put out gets not only attention from readers who appreciate them, but also some acknowledgment from writers I who really respect and admire. everyone yearns some validation from time to time, too. I'd rather be honest (and maybe dramatic? lol) with that than not.
I also realize that certain respectable writers here, like bunnsfw and banananutsmuthie, had gone on hiatus and recently returned with new banger works, and that somehow gave me a sense of assurance of the state of this blog. this isn't me saying I'm gonna be âon hiatus.â I'm just being a lot more honest (if I wasn't before) that I won't be as active here as much as I wanted to be. regardless of how the quality turns out, I can't stop writing here until I've finished my series. all of them XD.
also, when it comes to the concept of this fic, I know the whole âbodyguardâ thing isn't anything new, there's like pretty solid works out there, the one I can quickly recall being satzumosupremacy's Elite Bodyguard series (I'm sure there's others, I just thought this one's memorable). but I thought it'd fun to explore it in one of my fics, and it happened to be with Isa, so that's that.
anyhoo, expect a next fic in a couple of days, as I said last time lmao. it's done, just gonna put it here on tumblr. thank you so much for the read and for bearing with my inconsistent post sched. till next time!
A/N: I managed to finish it in time! This one is dedicated to my lovely @xantithesis. I hope everyone have a good read~ No beta readers, wanted to try relying on my lousy eyes XD.
âHabbang~â You drop onto the edge of the mattress, its springs groaning under you. âNumbers any kinder today?â
âYah, how many times do I have to tell you not to dry your hair on the bed!â Hayoung pouts, sitting up and crossing her legs. She wedges the crushed pillow thatâs still dented with the shape of her head between her thighs like a shield. âItâs gonna get mouldy from all the water dripping everywhere.â
She tilts her phone toward you. The banking app glows blue against your face and she mumbles. âStill nowhere near⊠but hey. Weâll get there.â
âMmm.â You squint at the screen, doing the math in your head like always. âThirty-seven percent. Five years if we stay perfect⊠maybe four if we get lucky.â
âUghhh. When will we win the lottery already?â She flops backward with a dramatic thud and immediately winces. âOw. This thing hates me.â
You stand and stretch your back, wandering over to the progress board stuck to the wall. âThere. One more percent.â You twist the knob and the left dial clicks to 37, the right falls to 63. âOne measly percent a month. Thrilling.â
âSixty-three more monthsâŠâ Hayoung sighs, her limbs spread like a starfish across the mattress as she stares up at the familiar water stain on the ceiling like it's her favourite cheesy burrito.
âArenât you gonna shower? Weâll be late.â You turn toward the kitchen â or what looks like one. The dining table functions as a stove, her makeup station, and your unofficial âdreaming zoneâ (aka where you balance your phone to watch home tour videos when you canât afford the real thing). âGet up~ Iâll make us coffee and breakfast while you freshen up.â
âUgh.â Seeing you put the water to boil, Hayoung groans as she hauls herself off the bed, shuffling into the shower. The shower door shuts with a click, and soon the muffled sound of running water soothes into your ear.
âDamn, it's the last two packs.â You throw the empty box into the trash and tear the packs open, pouring them into your mugs. âBabe! We gotta get some more coffee tonight, we're out.â You holler as you add two extra teaspoons of sugar into Hayoung's mug â she likes it a tad sweeter.
âDidn't we just stock up?â Hayoung shouts back. âThey should hire us as their brand endorsers or something at the rate we're drinking.â
You pop bread slices onto the warmed pan, swirling them around until they're burnt to a nice char with a nutty toasted aroma. Removing the toasted bread slices to let them cool, you toss in last yesterdayâs leftover spam and soon, the room fills with the smell of sizzling processed meat. You let the boiled water cool to roughly 83°C for about five minutes (youâve estimated the timing based on ten years of instant coffee making), before pouring them into the mugs.
âSmells good~â Hayoung emerges from the shower, towel wrapped around her hair in a bun. She approaches the kitchen/make-up/dining table and sits down, already helping herself with the warm toast and spam. âI love the coffee you make for me~â she says with her mouth full.
âWe gotta go soon, the company shuttle comes in a bit,â you remind her, before wolfing down your share of salty spam, crunchy toast, and cheap coffee. You both scroll through reels on your phones through breakfast, and she pauses every few seconds to tilt the screen toward you. âLook at this backsplash! We could do something like that.â You nod, mouth full of food, pretending not to notice how her voice lifts just a little when she talks about âour kitchen.â
You both finish and clean up, before donning the same deep blue polo tee and bottoms that fully cover your legs (company policy). Once done, you put on socks and shoes, then kneel down to tie Hayoungâs shoelaces â your daily ritual â before quickly heading down together to board the shuttle bus.
The ride to the furniture store is short, crowded, and warm with too many bodies. It's mildly suffocating, and there arenât any windows that you can slide open. Inflation is on a rising trend, but damn the bus driver who refuses to switch on the air conditioning. Hayoung leans against your shoulder, half-asleep again, her damp hair leaving a faint wet spot on your polo. You donât mind. You never mind. Instead, you'd give anything for a car, for air-conditioning, for a life where she doesn't have to nap on your shoulder every morning.
The bus rolls up to the backdoor of the store. âHabbang~ wakey wakey. We're here.â You squeeze Hayoung's puffy cheeks with your fingers, waking her from slumber. âMmmm⊠already?â She rubs her eyes and lifts her head off your shoulders. âAh shit, I got your shirt wet again.â Hayoung peers at the damp spot, trying to pat it dry with her sleeve.
âIt's alright, I don't mind your saliva on my shirt,â you tease.
âYah, I didn't drool at all!â She smacks your arm with a smirk. You both wait in your seats for the bus to empty out before disembarking last â no rush to clock in. You both head into Blue Prints, a furniture store that you both have been working in for the past 8 years. You have a love-hate relationship with this place: it's where you get scolded by customers and supervisors, where you feel trapped from real freedom. But it's also where you pay the bills, work toward a better future⊠and where you met the love of your life.
âSo, where are you stationed today?â you ask, turning to stand beside Hayoung, looking at the roster.
âI'm taking dual stations today,â Hayoung groans, tucking her polo tee into her pants. âStudy Blueprints and⊠Kids Blueprints.â
âGood thing they're side by side. Then you won't have to go back and forth across the entire floor,â you reply, stuffing your hands into your pockets. âIâll be on customer service duty today, so Iâll be up and about. RIP legs.â You bend down and massage your calves, warming them up for the 10-hour walkathon that's about to happen.
âTake it easy. Iâll see you at lunch, my dear~â Hayoung ties her hair into a ponytail, before putting on the companyâs cap with the words âBlue Printsâ sewn on in a fancy italicised font. âLove you,â she says, leaning in for a quick peck on your cheek before heading off.
Work passes in the usual blur: you hauling flat-packs, helping customers who canât decide between birch and white, fixing a display shelf that keeps tilting. Hayoung is over in Kids Blueprints, kneeling on the foam mats, building towers with a group of kids who keep knocking them down and giggling. Every time you pass by, she looks up and flashes you that quick, bright smile. You've been married to her for 5 years, but that smile still makes your chest do a stupid flip after all this time.
By closing time you're both tired but wired. The manager waves you off with the keys again (âYou two never cause trouble â lock up when youâre doneâ), and suddenly the store is yours. âLet's tidy up quickly and head out. The mart's gonna close if we get there late,â you say.
âWe need coffee,â Hayoung says as you turn off the lights, âotherwise, youâll be a zombie tomorrow.â
You check your phone as Hayoung steps out of the employee exit, locking the door. âIt's about a twenty minute walk⊠Great. More walking.â
She groans dramatically but links her arm through yours. âYou sure you don't want to take the bus? You've been walking all day.â
âItâs alright, I do need to soak my feet in some hot ginger water later though.â You say, yawning mid-sentence. âWe have some ginger left at home, might as well use it up.â
The twenty minute walk becomes thirty because of your sore legs, but you don't mind one bit. The stroll to the mart is quiet, a nice break from the chaos from the day. You and Hayoung stand before the mini mart, and the automatic doors slide open.
âCoffee~ Coffee~ Get my lovely coffee~â Hayoung hums and skips to grab a shopping cart, pulling you to her side as you both push it together towards the beverage aisle. âWe gotta get some bread and spam too, darling~â
âAight aight~â
âUHT milk⊠cereal and⊠here we ar â fuck.â
âWhat's wrong?â Hayoung asks, her eyes following your line of sight to the coffee boxes on the shelf. âOh. Fuck.â
â10%... It's a lot right? Especially when we drink it so oftenâŠâ Hayoung says, her voice dropping to a mumble. âI don't think⊠we can buy this anymore⊠not when rent is due soon, and when we're not even halfway through our goalâŠâ
â...â You stay silent, gripping the box tighter than before. Your eyes dart around the shelf, trying to search for a cheaper option, but you already know that you both have been already drinking the cheapest option there is. âMaybe we can find some way?â You look at the back of the box, hoping there would be a solution spoonfed to you.
âHow about we share a pack each time, and add twice the amount of water? Then the box can last twicââ
âMight as well drink muddy water at this pointâŠâ Hayoung laments. She turns towards you, and you can see the sadness in her eyes. She's on the verge of tears.
You sigh, your heart tightening as you remember how this brand of coffee was the first drink you made her, and the drink that initiated your conversation with her when you first met at Blue Prints during a staff break. She's never drank any other brands ever since. You hate how powerless you feel, that you can't even give Hayoung her favourite drink.
âMaybe we can drink something else? I guess we can still buy it, but drink it every alternate day?â you suggest, but you know how ridiculous you sound. Everyone knows that caffeine is essential for surviving the day.
âThen what are we gonna drink on those other alternate days?â Hayoung grumbles as she calms herself down from the short emotional vulnerability earlier.
âTea, I guess?â You suggest, pointing to the shelf seated right beside the coffeeâs. âTea contains caffeine too.â You put the box containing 150 sticks of hiked coffee sachets into the cart before pushing it further down the aisle.
âThis oneâs always safe,â she says quietly, turning the box over. âCaffeine-free, good for digestion, helps with bloating after all the ramyeon. We could drink it hot or cold⊠and itâs cheap enough that we could get two boxes and still have money left for bread.â
You nod, but you both know barley tea is what old people drink at the senior centre near your apartment. âBut this is going to make us hungry throughout the day⊠See? It's written there âDiet Teaâ. You're already as hourglass and as sexy as you can be,â you say. Itâs comforting, sure, but it doesnât feel like a replacement. It feels like it's gonna make your days worse.
âCorn silk is supposed to be good for detoxing,â she reads off the back. âHelps with water retention, mild diuretic, clears the system. People say it tastes sweet, like corn milk. And itâs caffeine-free too, so we wouldnât crash in the afternoon.â
You tilt your head. âSounds⊠healthy. But I donât know if I want my morning drink to feel like medicine.â
Hayoung gives a small, tired laugh. âYeah. Itâs not exactly âwake me up and make me feel alive.ââ
She lifts the box carefully, like it might bite her.
âGinger teaâŠâ she reads aloud. âWarming, good for circulation, helps with colds and sore throats, boosts metabolism, reduces nausea. Some people say it improves blood flow and⊠energy.â Her voice catches on the last word, cheeks flushing just a little as she glances at you sideways. âItâs supposed to be good for⊠you know. Warmth. Vitality.â
You raise an eyebrow, catching the unspoken implication. She quickly looks back at the box.
âBut itâs spicy,â she adds defensively. âLike, really spicy. I donât know if I can handle ginger first thing in the morning. What if it burns my tongue and I hate it forever?â
You take the box from her and turn it over. The packaging shows a steaming mug with honey and lemon slices floating on top.
âIt says you can add honey to balance it,â you point out. âAnd we already have some left from last winter. Plus⊠if it helps with colds, thatâs practical. We canât afford to miss work if one of us gets sick again.â
Hayoung chews her lip, staring at the price tag like itâs personally judging her.
âOkay,â she says at last. âGinger tea. If itâs the cheapest one that still gives us some energy⊠and maybe a little extra warmthâŠâ She trails off, cheeks pink again. âWeâll try it. Worst case, we give it to the ahjumma downstairs.â
âHey, weâre still buying the coffee⊠we're just having it every alternate day! Don't make it sound like it's doomsday~â You place the box in the cart â right next to the coffee. âBesides, we can drink it at night, unlike coffee.â The cart feels lighter somehow, even though the decision still stings.
Hayoung links her arm through yours again as you push toward the counter. âLet's go get some bread.â
âNew adventure,â she murmurs, trying for brightness. âGinger mornings. Spicy but⊠hopeful.â
You squeeze her hand.
âSpicy but hopeful,â you echo.
And for the first time all evening, she smiles.
***
âAnnnd 39.â You adjust the knob on the progress board on the wall, inching it till the number jumps by one. âIt seems we're progressing a teeny tiny bit faster than usual,â you say. Three weeks have passed since the coffee price hike, but you were able to increase the progress bar by two percent, faster than the usual rate of one per month.
âMaybe it was the switch to ginger tea?â Hayoung replies, patting her hair dry as she walks out of the shower. The ginger boxes sit on the extra chairs beside the dining table â your makeshift shelf â two full ones now, because Hayoung insisted on buying a second one when the first packet proved surprisingly good. âWeâre spending half the money on drinks now anyway,â she says, âI wanna drink one now too~ It's so good.â She skips towards you, grabbing the kettle and filling it with water, putting it to boil.
Hayoung drinks it every morning now with a spoonful of honey, claiming it âwakes her up without the crashâ. Youâve grown to like the spicy warmth too, though you still miss the coffeeâs bold kick. Itâs not the same, but itâs something you figured out together. That counts.
The progress bar feels like an ever expanding ocean, looming larger every time you glance at it. Things are getting more expensive, and your target increases with it. But that's a problem that'll persist, no point worrying about it right now. You have an actual problem to deal with.
âHabbang, it's dead,â you announce.
âWhat? Don't scare mâ oh.â Hayoungâs voice softens as she looks in your direction. The kettle is still roaring as it heats the water, but grey smoke rises from the rice cooker when you open it a few moments earlier. A burnt-char smell drifts out of the rice cooker, wafting into your noses as you scrunch them.
âHow long has it been? 4 years? It's about time it popped, I guess.â You shrug and you flip the socketâs switch, cutting the power supply off.
âWhat now? I'm starving⊠especially when we missed lunch today.â Hayoung pouts dejectedly. âWe can't possibly just eat spam and eggs and drink ginger tea with no rice⊠Rice is life! Plus, it's already this late, where are we gonna make a rice cooker appear out of nowhere?â She shoots questions out, panicking insecurely.
âHey hey hey~ Relax baby~â you reassure her, âItâs not the end of the world. It's the 21st century, we have the Internet, Google, AI⊠if nothing works out, weâll just live off instant rice, or just get a new rice cooker! Although Iâd rather not spend more moneyâŠâ
Finally calming down, Hayoung stands behind you, arms wrapped around your waist, chin on your shoulder. â...Well,â she says softly. âWeâve got a pot, a stove, and YouTube. Weâre basically chefs now.â
You let out a tired laugh. âChefs who will probably murder dinner. Weâll fix it together. Come on.â
You pull up a video on your phone â âHow to steam perfect rice in a pot without a rice cookerâ â and follow the steps like itâs a sacred ritual. Hayoung measures the rice and rinses it until the water runs clear, then stands beside you at the portable stove on the dining table, hip bumping yours.
âOne point two parts water to one part rice,â she reads aloud, her voice a mix of mock-serious. âAdd them into a bowl and place it in the pot with a riser. Fill the bottom with water, and turn on the heat on medium. Steam it while covered for 30 minutes. No peeking.â
You follow the cooking instructor. Soon, the kitchen fills with steam and the faint nutty smell of rice. You both hover like anxious parents, waiting for the timer to ring.
When the 30 minutes are up, you lift the lid â and the rice is⊠fine. It almost doubled in volume, a little sticky in places, a little uneven, but edible.
âWe did it!â Hayoung claps delightfully.
You remove the steaming rice with oven mitts, and scoop it into two mismatched bowls, topping it with kimchi that your mom made, and a fried egg each. You transfer all the plates and bowls onto the mini drinking table on the floor, and the stir fried spam and frozen corn kernels sit in a serving plate between you both. Dinner is ready.
Hayoung is sipping on her cup of ginger tea, anxiously waiting to try the rice. No dining table â it's too messy right now with all the pots and pans to wash. You both sit cross-legged on the floor, side-by-side with your backs leaning against the bed frame and dig in.
Hayoung takes the first bite, eyes closing in exaggerated bliss. âItâs good~ tastes just like⊠rice. Eheheheh~â she giggles, chopsticks reaching out to grab a piece of diced spam. âMmmm. It's a little wet and sticky, but itâll do,â she says.
âIâll probably need to add less water the next time. I think we don't need to get a rice cooker at all!â You say, breaking the yolk of your fried egg, allowing it to flow onto the steaming rice below. The residual heat from the rice cooks the runny yolk a little further as you mix the egg in, turning it into a golden indulgence of gooey and creamy rice.
You put down your bowl and set your phone onto the table, turning on a video of a house tour again. You both have been watching them since forever, envisioning how your future home would be like, constantly talking about furniture placements, electronics to buy. You want to build a family with Hayoung, a future, somewhere that you can both call home. And you're both inching towards that goal, month by month, dollar by dollar, percent by percent.
For a few minutes, the room is quiet except for the sound of chopsticks and soft chewing. Then Hayoung sets her bowl down and leans against you, head on your shoulder.
âI keep thinking about the kitchen in Blue Prints,â she says quietly. âThe one with the big island. The white cabinets. I imagine us there every morning⊠making real food. Not burnt rice or spam sandwiches.â
You wrap an arm around her. âWeâll get there.â
She nods, but her voice wavers. âI want to make you breakfast. Like, proper breakfast. And then⊠maybe later, when weâre ready, I want to make baby food. Tiny bowls of mashed sweet potato. Little spoons.â
Her words land soft but heavy. You rest your hand on her stomach â it's flat now, but full of possibility. But it's too early to commit.
âWe will,â you say. âWeâll build that kitchen. Weâll fill those bowls. One percent at a time.â
She turns her face into your neck, breathing you in.
âI know,â she whispers. âI just⊠I want it so much it hurts sometimes.â
You kiss her forehead, thumb rubbing her cheeks as you cup her face.
âThen tonight we practice,â you murmur. âWe practice building. Right here.â
She lifts her head, eyes searching yours. A small, hopeful smile breaks through.
âPractice?â
You nod, pulling her closer until sheâs in your lap, legs straddling yours.
âPractice,â you repeat.
And for the first time in weeks, the kiss isnât careful or restrained. Maybe it's due to the ginger teaâs âenergy boostingâ and âwarming effectâ. But it doesnât matter. You're both hungry. You lift Hayoung onto the bed, hands sliding under each otherâs shirts, breaths catching, bodies pressing together on the thin mattress like youâre trying to fuse the pieces of your future right now.
But you donât go all the way, not yet. Not when you're both still struggling. She looks into your eyes when she shatters, her own glassy and understanding as she nods when you grunt that you have to pull out.
You get close, close enough to feel the heat, the want, the promise.
Close enough to believe that someday, the blueprint wonât be scattered anymore.
***
A month has passed since the rice cooker died, and somehow the apartment still stands.
The savings board now reads 42% as you twist the knob tonight with a quiet sense of pride.
â5%...â You mumble to yourself as you rub your fingers against the number on the board. This has been the biggest jump yet. All that hard work has not been for naught. Extra overtime shifts, a couple of generous tips from customers who appreciated your patience with their build-your-own woes, and the fact that ginger tea is half the price of the old coffee all helped. The number on the banking app looks bigger than it has been in months. You're not a millionaire yet, probably never will be, but you're 5% closer to your dream.
Hayoung notices the change the second she walks out from the shower.
âForty-two?â she says, towel still wrapped around her body. You look at her puzzled, mouth opening to ask, but she cuts you off with a grin. âI forgot to bring my clothes in hehe~ What? You've seen everything already anyway!â She pads over to the clothes rack barefoot, grabbing your oversized T-shirt (she always wears yours), before slipping the towel off. She exposes her naked body and poses at you cutely, winking at you with a pout, before putting on the T-shirt, finishing off with her panties and a pair of shorts.
The extra large T-shirt slips off one shoulder as she walks and stands beside you, and she raises her hand to trace the number with her finger like sheâs afraid itâll disappear if she blinks. âWe actually did five percent?â
You nod, smiling. âWe did. Overtime paid off. And we didnât have any surprise bills this month.â
âYou worked hardâŠâ She turns to grab your hands, rubbing them softly as she looks into your eyes.
âNo.â You smile, leaning in to kiss her forehead. âWe worked hard.â
âEheheheh~â Hayoung blushes and giggles, her eyes shining brightly as it curves into smiling crescents. It's those goddamn eyes and chubby cheeks of hers that you fell in love with.
âWe should celebrate,â you declare, heart fuzzy from Hayoungâs cuteness.
âCelebrate how? We only have the usual â eggs, spam, rice and corn. There isn't much we can do with those.â Hayoung tilts her head and asks.
You grin, âOne treat. Just one. Weâve earned it.â
An hour later youâre back home, both sitting cross-legged on the floor again. Your backs lean against the bedframe, and you both are sharing a single portion of tteokbokki from the hole-in-the-wall place two streets over. Itâs the cheapest thing on the menu â spicy rice cakes in red sauce, no meat, no extras â but you both eat it slowly, savoring every bite like itâs a Michelin-star dish. You did still whip up two fried eggs and the same stir fried spam and corn (still have to get your daily protein and fiber intake); but once thrown into the tteokbokki, it transforms that into a sinful indulgence â or at least you both view it to be.
Hayoung feeds you a piece of chewy rice cake with her chopsticks, the sauce dripping onto the paper plate between you.
âI miss having real food⊠I wish I could feed you all your favourites daily,â you say, feeding Hayoung with some spam drenched in the red, spicy sauce. âI don't even know what you like other than tteokbokki and beef and bread and spam, because I've never even brought you to eat at nice fancy restaurants.â
âDoes it really matter right now? I mean it does, but Iâm the happiest when Iâm with you~â Hayoung says, grinning with her eyes closed and cheekbones raised. âSee?â she says, licking sauce off her thumb. âThis is what our life will be like when we have a real kitchen. Takeout nights, but on our own table. With matching plates. And maybe a baby in a high chair stealing bites.â
You swallow the rice cake, your throat suddenly tight. âYeah,â you say softly. âWith a baby.â
She sets her chopsticks down and leans against your shoulder. âI bought something today,â she whispers.
You feel her shift, reaching into the pocket in her pants, and pull out a tiny folded piece of fabric. She smooths it open on her lap.
Itâs a baby onesie â pale yellow, impossibly small, with a little embroidered heart on the chest.
âI saw it on clearance at the mart,â she says. âI know weâre not ready yet. I know we canât⊠not yet. But I couldnât leave it there. I just⊠I wanted to hold it. Just once ââ
Her voice cracks on the last word.
You reach over and cover her hand with yours, fingers brushing the soft cotton. âItâs perfect,â you say. âThe heart is perfect.â
She laughs softly, her eyes glassy and moist as she presses the onesie to her cheek for a second.
âIâll hide it in the drawer,â she says. âUnder the socks. Like a secret. If I keep it safe, the rest will come true. Like a tooth fairy, you know? Like if you hide your tooth under your pillow, youâll be rewarded with a gold coin.â
You gently take the onesie from her hands, feeling the soft fabric between your fingers. It's a flat piece of cloth now, but you're imagining the warmth of your future childâs flesh in your hands, feeling the small heartbeat as you cradle your child in your arms, watching it grow up day by day. Your heart aches. Youâre aching to try for a child right now⊠but it's not right to raise one in such an environment. Hell, you don't even have a proper kitchen, what more a studying table or even a separate bedroom for your kids.
You look back at Hayoung as she stares into your eyes. They're filled with hope and yearning, but they're also filled with sadness and disappointment. You carry her into your lap, wrapping your arms around her waist as she leans her back onto your chest. Your chin rests on her shoulder so youâre both looking down at the tiny garment.
âIt will,â you murmur against her ear. âWeâll make it come true. One percent at a time.â
She turns her face toward you, eyes shining.
âPromise?â
âPromise.â
She turns her head around, her cheek brushing against yours as she pecks you on the lips. âHoneyâŠI need you right now.â Hayoung whispers, her breath hot against your lips.
You don't say anything. Both of you just stare silently at each other for a few breaths. You lift her up from your lap and gently set her down onto the thin mattress behind you. Towering over her as she lies flat on the bed, your arms are perched on both sides of her head as you look at her beautiful face.
âW-why are you staring at me?â Her cheeks are flush with embarrassment, and her fingers grip onto the bottom hem of your oversized tee nervously.
âYou're so beautiful, Hayoung,â you confess, âYou're my princess⊠I want to give you the whole damn world.â You inch your face closer until your lips hover just above hers, staring deep into her glassy eyes.
âI love you so fucking much, Habbang,â you breathe, and dive into her lips. Hayoungâs eyes close, her hands wrapping around your back instinctively, trying to pull you in as your tongues dance around each other. She's moaning into your mouth through the intense kiss, suckling on your tongue and lips like it's the last thing in the world.
You pull off from her face and a thick strand of your salivas connect between both your lips, gasping for breath. âI love you too,â Hayoung gasps, her eyes drunk with need.
You climb onto the bed kneeling over Hayoung on both sides of her hips and her hands automatically grab the hem of your shorts tugging them down to reveal your throbbing hard erection. Your mind is dizzy from the kiss as you hastily peel off your shirt, throwing it to the floor. You let out a soft grunt as Hayoung softly grabs your length, giving it a few slow pumps. You're already leaking, throbbing from the desire to start a family. But not today.
You reach downwards and slide your hands underneath Hayoungâs shirt, firmly grabbing on to her soft breasts. She mewls, head tilting to the side as she revels in the pleasurable sensations your fingers provide.
âP-pleaseâŠ.â Hayoung begs. You don't deny, because you want it too. You pull down her shorts, leaving it bunched around one of her ankles. No panties â you're both at home, no need for underwear.
Hayoungâs pussy is already wet and glistening with need. She looks down at you, eyes glassy with want, and whispers, âPlease⊠touch me.â
You slide your hands up her thighs, thumbs brushing the sensitive skin just below where sheâs aching. She shivers, hips twitching forward instinctively. You part her folds gently with your fingers, then lean up to kiss her there slowly. Your mouth opens and your tongue flicks lightly over her clit. She gasps, hands flying to your hair.
âMore,â she breathes. âPlease.â
You give her more, licking in slow circles, sucking gently, tasting her sweetness. She rocks against your mouth and her soft whimpers turn into moans that echo within the tiny room. Her thighs tremble around your head.
She doesnât let you stay there long. With a shaky breath, she pushes you down onto the mattress and turns, straddling your face in reverse, her mouth hovering over your aching cock. âTogether,â she whispers, her voice trembling. âI want you to feel good too.â
You groan as her lips parts around you. It's hot, wet, and perfect. She takes you slow at first, tongue swirling around the head, then deeper, her cheeks hollowing. You thrust shallowly into her mouth while your tongue returns to her clit, matching her rhythm. Itâs messy, intimate, and desperate, the two of you giving and taking at the same time, bodies locked in a trembling 69 on the thin mattress.
Hayoung moans around you, the vibration shooting straight up your spine. Her hips grind down harder against your face and you can feel her getting close. Her thighs are shaking, and her breaths grow increasingly ragged. You suck her clit gently, flicking fast, and she cries out â muffled by your cock â as she cums hard, flooding your mouth with her release.
The taste of her, the sound of her, the way she trembles. It pushes you over. You warn her with a grunt and your hips jerk, but she doesnât pull away. She takes you deeper, swallowing every pulse as you spill into her mouth, groaning her name against her still-quivering pussy.
When itâs over, she collapses forward, both of you panting, slick and spent. She turns slowly, crawling up your body until sheâs curled against your chest, face tucked into your neck. Your arms wrap around her automatically, holding her close.
For a long minute thereâs only the sound of your breathing and the faint hum of the refrigerator.
Hayoung lifts her head just enough to meet your eyes. âI want to start trying,â she whispers. âI know weâre not at 50% yet. I know itâs not smart. But⊠Iâm scared if we wait too long, itâll be harder. My mom always said the longer you wait, the more problems can come up. And I⊠I donât want to miss our chance because we were too careful.â
You brush hair from her face, thumb tracing her cheek. âI know,â you say softly.
She nods, eyes shining again.
âThen⊠when we hit 50%,â you say, âeven if itâs just barely. Even if weâre still in this room. Letâs start trying. For real. No more pulling out. No more waiting.â
You pull her in for a slow, deep kiss, tasting yourself on her tongue, tasting her on yours.
âFifty percent,â you promise against her lips. âWeâll get there. And when we do⊠we start building our family. For real.â
She smiles and presses her forehead to yours.
âFifty percent,â she echoes.
And for tonight, that promise feels closer than ever.
***
Six weeks have passed since the 42% celebration, but the progress bar has slipped back to 40%.
The five-percent jump felt like proof you were finally moving forward, but life doesnât let progress stand still for long, however small it is. A medical fee for Hayoungâs lingering cough, a one-off fee to replace a cracked phone screen, and now this.
âI hate the world. Why does wear and tear even exist?â Hayoung grumbles as she closes the door behind you, kicking her sneakers off â or at least what remains of them. Her sneakers roll onto the ground, one to the front, the other landing begrudgingly to the side. âI can't believe both of them gave up at the same timeâŠâ
Her shoes gave way right before lunch, and you both tried to improvise and fix it in the staff room so that she could continue working throughout the day.
You kneel down and look at her shoes: both their soles are fastened together by duct tape that loops around the front, and the tape is already peeling at the edges from the countless walking from the day.
âEhehehehe~â Hayoung giggles as she squats down with her legs tucked in, looking at the tape, âYou drew these doodles on so cutely~â
âGotta make it look fashionable right? You're basically walking about the showroom floor, I can't have you looking like a peasant.â You laugh tiredly.
âDid you see our supervisor's face, he was basically glaring at us the whole time.â Hayoung jokes and scrunches her eyebrows to frown, trying to mimic your supervisorâs expression.
âYou're gonna get wrinkles if you continue to do that,â you say. You remember. Youâd both been giggling like kids, marker in hand, turning the breakdown into a joke. It felt like defiance then. Now it feels like a plaster on a broken leg.
You support Hayoung and lower her into a sitting position, before gently removing her socks from her feet. âThese poor feet must've hurtâŠâ you frown as you massage her feet tenderly.
âThe number's gonna drop again right?â she says, looking at the progress board in the centre of the room. âAnyway that we can fixâem so that I can continue wearing it?â
âYâknow, the supervisor dragged me aside earlier and said new shoes for you or you're out of dress code,â you say with a sigh. âCompany policy.â You stare at the taped mess on the floor. âHow much?â
âI hate asking you to fix things that keep breaking,â she whispers. âI hate that weâre always one step behind.â
Your mouth opens to say something, anything, but nothing comes out.
Hayoungâs eyes stay fixated on the number â 41% â refusing to look at you as her lip trembles. âI donât want to see it drop again,â she whispers. âWe just got to forty-two. It felt⊠real. Like we were actually getting somewhere. If we spend nowâŠâ Her voice cracks. âIâm scared weâll never climb back up.â
You sit down on the ground from your kneeling position and take her hands. Theyâre cold. âI know,â you say quietly. âBut your feet hurt. You winced every step home. If you keep wearing those, youâll injure yourself worse. Then you canât work. Then we lose even more.â
She looks down, her eyes now glassy.
âI can tape them better,â she mumbles. âWeâll make it work.â
âYou shouldnât have to tape your shoes to work,â you say, thumb rubbing circles over her knuckles. âYou deserve something that lasts. Something that doesnât hurt. This isnât spending â itâs investing in us. In you so that you can keep going.â
Hayoung stares at your hands for a long moment. A tear slips free, dripping onto the back of your palm. She swipes it away quickly.
âI hate this,â she says. âI hate that every time we move forward, something pulls us back.â
âI know. But weâre still moving. One step at a time. Even if itâs backward sometimes.â You point to the progress bar, and say, âRemember when we first bought that? We started out at zero. Look where we're at right now? Almost halfway there. I think that's progress.â
âYou're my bbang princess, not a crying princess, so don't cry already alright?â
She takes a deep breath and exhales, nodding slowly.
âOkay,â she whispers.
âLetâs go get some shoes. It's our shopping date tonight.â
âDeal.â
Half an hour later, you're both at the nearby shoe mart â you insisted on taking the public bus instead of walking despite her protests, wanting to protect her precious feet. The fluorescent lights buzz overhead, casting a warm glow over the shelves filled with all kinds of shoes. Hayoung is seated on the bench, sneakers lined up in front of her feet.
âHabbang. I know. It's not cheap, but itâll last for years,â you retort softly. âYou know how much we walk daily⊠Those are gonna wear out twice as fast as your current one, and we're gonna have to get a new one in a few months.â
âButââ
âI saw how you wiggled your toes earlier, those look so tight, especially at the front. Your toes are gonna get blisters. Remember what you promised me when we were on the way just now? You said you would listââ
âOkay okay! I got it! Stop nagging you naggy man~â Hayoung whines in defeat, swinging her hanging feet up and down with her palms tucked under her thighs. âI want the black pair,â she says.
âGreat, we're going for the sky blue one then.â
âWait, no! The black oneeeeâŠâ
You ignore her and stuff the other two black and gray pairs back into the boxes, before marching to the cashier with the sky blue sneakers in hand. Hayoung clambers behind you, constantly pulling and tugging the hem of your shirt. âBabeee⊠the black one pleasee? Itâs less likely to get dirtyâŠâ
The walk home is quiet at first. She made a fuss to walk instead of taking the bus since so much money had already been spent, to which you obliged. Rain has started, although itâs a light, steady drizzle. Hayoungâs old taped shoes squelch with every step, the tape already peeling off from the rain. So when you walk past the nearby convenience store, you beg for two small plastic bags from the store attendant, and wrap Hayoungâs shoes with them. You tie the plastic bags tight with a double knot, and it's done. âTada~ build-your-own waterproof shoes!â Both her two pairs of shoes now stay dry, the old ones within your genius bagging skills, and the new ones in the shoe martâs bag.
You bump her shoulder gently as you both continue to walk back. âI wanted to buy you high heels, you know,â you say teasingly. âSky blue ones. Tall ones. The kind that makes your legs look endless.â
âIs that why you ignored my pleas in front of everyone? That was so embarassing!â she complained, although her beaming smile tells a different story.
âI know you love sky blue, which is why I insisted on it, especially since we're already paying such a high price for it.â You say, ruffling her hair as the rain gets progressively heavier. âI want to buy you so many shoes, so many handbags, dress you up with all the pretty clothes⊠But this is all I can get you right nowâŠ.â
âBut here am I, only able to sponsor you to be my Practical Princess.â
Hayoung snorts with a wet, half-laugh, then leans into you under the shared umbrella.
âPractical princess,â she echoes. âIâll take it.â She slips her hand into yours, her fingers cold but the grip is tight.
âWeâre gonna be okay,â she says softly. âRight?â
You squeeze her hand.
âRight.â
Back home, she sets the new shoe box by the door like a trophy. The taped pair goes in the trash with no mercy.
She curls into your side on the mattress, head leaning soft on your chest. The savings board watches from the wall.
40%.
But tomorrow, her feet wonât hurt.
And that feels like progress.
***
The savings board reads 75% when you twist the knob that night.
âOne, two, threeâŠâ Hayoung counts the number of zeroes on the screen over and over again, refusing to believe her eyes. She squeals in excitement, hopping up and down, and leaps onto you, wrapping her legs around your waist. â80! It's 80 million honey!â She giggles as you spin her around the tiny apartment, laughing together until she cries.
âDamn it! Keep it down!â your neighbours bang on the wall.
You both collapse on the mattress breathless, staring at the banking all like it's a miracle.
âWe did it,â she keeps whispering, her face buried in your neck as she cries. âWe actually did it.â
You kiss her tears, her cheeks, her lips, murmuring to her. âWeâre building it. For real. Starting tomorrow.â
She nods, eyes shining. â50%. Weâre way past that now.â
You fall asleep tangled together, the onesie sheâd hidden in the drawer finally pulled out and placed on the pillow between you like a talisman.
***
The call comes at 7:14 a.m.
Hayoungâs phone buzzes on the floor. âWhoââ She groans, reaching for it as you both munch on breakfast, then freezes when she sees the caller ID.
âMom?â
You place your fork and plate down, instantly alert. Hayoungâs face drains of colour as she listens quietly, only occasionally replying with a short grunt. Her free hand grips your thigh so hard that it stings, but you ignore the pain when you see her hands trembling.
You grip her hands gently, trying to soothe and calm her down.
âMomâs crying⊠she doesn't know what to doâŠâ
The room goes quiet except for Hayoungâs motherâs muffled sobbing through the speaker. Hayoung looks at you, eyes already teary, wide and terrified.
You donât hesitate.
âTell her weâll send it,â you say softly and smile.
âBut⊠the houseâŠâ Hayoungâs lips tremble.
âWeâll build another one,â you say. âDad needs this now.â
She stares at you for a long moment, then nod hesitantly. Tears slip down her cheeks when she speaks into the phone.
âMom⊠we have the money. Weâll transfer it immediately. Tell them to schedule the surgery.â
Hayoung hangs up.
The silence that follows was deafening.
Hayoung looks at the savings board. 75%. It suddenly feels empty.
âHabbang-ah, just call in sick today â family emergency,â you murmur, your hands caressing her cheeks, wiping the tears off. âGo visit Dad and accompany Mom.â
âButââ
âShhh. Don't worry about it. Iâll handle your share of work today.â You reassure her, âI'm sure our supervisor will understand the situation.â
She stares at you while you look at her with calm and concerned eyes. âIâll clear these up and head to work, so you quickly head to the hospital,â you say, already moving to clear the dishes. âGo accompany your Mom, she must have had a scareââ
Hayoung cuts you short and lunges at you, hugging you as she wraps her arms around your back. âI'mâsorryââ she sniffles, tears and snot seeping into your shirt.
You grab her by the shoulders and squish her cheeks. âHabbang. Look at me. Don't worry about me. Dad is more important right now. Hurry, no time to waste! And take a cab to the hospital, this isn't the time to be thrifty.â You turn her around and push her towards the bathroom, asking her to wash up. You turn to grab her clothes from the rack, passing them to her so that she can change, before making a call to book a taxi.
âText me when you're there, and keep me updated okay? Tell Mom that I'm sorry that I can't be there.â You say as you close the door to the vehicle, waving goodbye to Hayoungâs teary face as the cab runs down the road.
âI hope everything goes fine with DadâŠâ you mumble to yourself, before heading back upstairs to get ready for work.
âHi supervisor, my wife Hayoung will be submitting a request for an urgent family care leave today and won't be coming to workâŠâ You make a call to your supervisor, applying for a leave of absence from work on your wifeâs behalf, bargaining that youâll take on her share of todayâs workload. Once the approval was given, you change out and leave for work.
The day wasn't as merciful as you'd hoped. A constant influx of unreasonable customers, an unimaginable number of repair requests (most of them were not covered under warranty), and a wave of emails that notified you of supplier delays. The only saving grace to this dreadful day was Hayoungâs constant updates on her fatherâs condition â fortunately the surgery went fine, and her father is now stabilising in the monitoring ward.
Your phone buzzes and you check. It's another text from Hayoung.
<Habbang â€ïž, 15:27:31> Dadâs condition has stabilised. All thanks to the doctors. How is it over at your side?
<You, 15:27:47> That's really really good! You and Mom must have been worriedâŠ
<You, 15:27:59> Iâll have to work overtime for a few hours, see you at home?
<Habbang â€ïž, 15:29:32> Is it because of me? TT Iâm sowwyâŠ
<You, 15:30:29> Yah, what did I say about apologising to me? Don't ever do that.
<Habbang â€ïž, 15:30:48> But stillâŠ
<You, 15:31:40> Donât worry about me and make sure you and Mom grab something to eat. Iâll see you back at home tonight. Remember to drink water~
<Habbang â€ïž, 15:32:34> OkayâŠđ„ș
You lock your phone and stuff it back into your pocket, sighing at the remaining paperwork to complete. You take a sip of ginger tea â it's your 6th one today â slapping your cheeks with your palm, and get back to work.
The few extra overtime hours pass by in a flash, and you're done a little earlier than expected. You pack your stuff, grab your bag and switch off the lights. Blue Prints closes behind you with a soft click.
Today, the once-assembled showrooms feel different â half-built, half-empty, like incomplete and scattered plans. Darkness swallows Blue Prints whole, and the faint glow of emergency lights along the floor cuts through each display, fracturing the perfect illusions into jagged pieces.
âHabbang~ Iâm back,â you say with a slightly raised voice as you open the main door.
No answer. Only the faint sound of running water fills the empty silence of your small room.
You walk in and set your bag down on the ground beside the bed and turn to look at the bathroom. The bathroom door is closed.
You set the water to boil, and made two cups of ginger tea.
You wait.
The shower is still running. Ten minutes. Fifteen. Twenty.
You knock softly. No answer.
You try the handle. It's unlocked.
You push the door open.
Hayoung is crouched naked in the corner of the shower stall, knees tucked to her chest, head bowed low. Water pours over her back, soaking her hair, running in streams down her skin. She's shaking â not from cold, but from silent, wrenching sobs that make her whole body jerk.
You don't think. You step into the bathroom fully clothed, your deep blue polo tee still on, your work pants still on. You sit down on the wet tile beside her, and pull her into your lap.
Hayoung doesn't resist. She curls into you like a child and presses her face into your chest, crying harder now. The raw, broken sounds of her uncontrollable sobs echoes off the tiles.
âIâm sorry,â she chokes out. âI'm sorry for robbing our future.â
You hold her tight, the water soaking through your hair, your shirt, your pants.
âIt was your win. Your ticket. And my family⊠I took it all away. I ruined everything.â Hayoung bawls even louder.
âYouâre not ruining anything. Youâre the reason I keep going,â you counter immediately.
âI'm always ruining everything⊠the coffee, my shoes, me getting sick⊠I-Iââ
You hate seeing her like this â like she thinks she broke everything. But she didnât. She never could.
âShhh,â you whisper, rocking her gently, rubbing her wet hair. âYou didn't take anything. We gave it. Because that's what we do. We help family. We help each other.â
She shakes her head against you, hiccups mixing in between sobs. âWe were so close⊠We went past 50% by so much. We could have started trying. And now⊠now it's gone. Because of me. It's me again.â
You cup her face and lift it so that she has no choice but to look at you. Water streams down both your faces, mixing with her tears.
âListen to me,â you said, voice steady even though it carries a hint of a tremble. âRemember what we said when we got married? Forever. Every challenge. Every obstacle. Together. That hasn't changed. It's never you. It's us.â
She stares at you, her eyes red and swollen.
âWe lost the money,â you continue. âBut we didn't lose us. We didn't lose the dream. We just⊠hit a delay. Like we always do. Weâll build again. Continue to build like we always do.â
Her lips tremble, âI feel like I stole your future.â
You kiss her forehead, her cheeks, and her lips softly and slowly, tasting salt and water.
âOur future,â you correct. âAnd Iâd give it again. A hundred times. For our dad. For our mom. For you. For us.â
Hayoung clings to you, sobbing quietly now, her arms still locked around your neck. You both stay like that until the water runs cold and the sobbing softens.
You finally stand up, turn the water off, and wrap Hayoung in a dry towel. You carry her like a wrapped dumpling to the mattress and sit with her in your lap, rocking her until her breathing evens out.
She lifts her head after a while, and says softly, âI don't want to be here tonight. Not to this cold and thin mattress. Not to the board at 40%.â
You brush the wet hair from her face. âThen we don't,â you say. âI have the keys again this week.â
âBlue Prints?â
You nod.
âLet's go. Let's pretend⊠just for tonight⊠that none of this happened. That we still have everything,â you say.
Hayoung stares into your eyes for a long moment. âOkay,â she whispers. âLetâs pretend.â You help her dress â your oversized burgundy hoodie, pleated shorts, and knee high socks. You carry her on your back and take the keys, locking the apartment behind you, walking into the night.
Blue Prints awaits.
And tonight, you both are going to claim what the world kept taking away.
The employee entrance clicks shut behind you. Blue Prints is dark except for the faint glow of emergency strips along the floor. The air smells of fabric sheets and furniture pine wood â familiar, comforting, and suddenly heartbreaking.
Hayoung lies over your back, hoodie sleeves pulled over her fingers, still trembling slightly from the shower. Hayoung is light, unbelievably so, but you can feel the weight of the day on her pressing down on you â the hospital, her worry, the guilt, and the loss of the lottery money. But she's right here, with you.
You don't speak at first. You just walk, carrying her on your back, carrying the weight of your future as you walk through the showroom, down across the different blueprints. âYou pause before the living room display and murmur, âIâve always imagined us here everyday. Sitting on the couch, enjoying your favourite dramas, watching comedy films, enjoying snacks and drinking beers.â
âMe too. I've always wanted to have a couch on our own, one that we can sink in and relax after a tough day at work. I don't want to sit on the floor forever.â Hayoung adds softly.
You nod and continue walking down towards the next blueprint. âYou see this bathroom? I want it huge, one with a sink and mirror thatâs large enough so that we can brush our teeth together.â
Hayoung nods in agreement, her muffled sobs no longer, now replaced with soft giggles. âI always imagine how it would be like when you wash your face, all white with the cleanser foam~ And I want a bath tub too, one that we can sink our bodies in together, soaking in the warm water to soothe our tired muscles.â
You carry her and move along, walking past the bedroom showroom. âI would then buy a huge bed, one with a mattress that's so wide that we can do all sorts of thingsâŠâ you say.
âYeah~ I wanna fit all sorts of things in our huge room â a large wardrobe, a make up counter⊠a baby cribâŠâ Hayoung says excitedly, before softening at the mention of the crib.
You can almost see it â a tiny crib in the corner, Hayoung humming as she rocks it. You want it so badly it hurts.
You continue walking, talking to Hayoung, drawing up imaginary plans to your aspiring home. Then you stop at the kitchen blueprint.
âYou must be tired, carrying me. Let me down.â Hayoung whispers in your ear. You slowly lower her down onto the ground, and she stands wobbly, holding on to your hands for support.
Her hands are cold. You guide her into the showroom, fingers locked tight around hers. The big island gleams under the accent lights â white marble-look countertop, deep sink, open shelves. Hayoung stops in front of it, running her fingers along the edge like sheâs touching something unachievable.
âImagine me here every morning,â she says, looking back at you. âMe chopping vegetables, washing rice, tossing and stirring actual food in our pans.â
You stand beside her and grab two mugs. âThen I would boil some water in the kettle, still making our favourite coffee and ginger tea, warming ourselves up for the day ahead.â You say, smiling at her.
âI would make your favourite food for dinner, whip up the lamest 0 star Michelin meals for us.â Hayoung continues, her voice drooping lower. âA kitchen like this. Where I could cook for you every morning. Where I could⊠make food for our baby.â
Her voice cracks on the last word. She turns to you, eyes glassy again.
You step behind her, arms sliding around her waist, chest pressed to her back. You rest your chin on her shoulder.
âThen let's pretend tonight,â you murmur against her ear. âJust us. Let me give you that tonight.â
You turn her in your arms till she faces you and kiss her, slow at first, then deeper, tasting the salt of her tears and the spicy ginger tea and everything that you both have been holding back for the past five years. Her hands slide under your polo, palms warm against your back. You reciprocate and slide yours under the hoodie, grabbing her soft breasts, kneading them lightly.
âM-moreâŠâ Hayoung moans into your lips, her arms pulling you towards her, refusing to let go. You grunt and flick your fingers against her already stiff nipples, drawing out a soft mewl from her.
âHabbangâŠâ you say as you pull off from her lips. You grab the hem of her hoodie and pull it up gently, letting it slide up her body, off her arms, before letting it fall onto the island.
She's bare underneath, her soft and smooth skin glowing in the low light. You lift her onto the island and peel off her shorts, throwing it onto the floor. Hayoungâs legs part around your hips, and she gasps when you press your clothed sex between her thighs, already hard, already aching for her.
You kiss her cheeks, her neck, her collarbone, down to her breasts, tongue circling one nipple, then the other, until she's arching, moaning softly. âPleaseâŠâ she pleads, her voice trembling. âCum in me. Pretend this is the night. Pretend that we crossed the 50%. Pretend that we didn't lose everything.â
âI'm yours,â you groan, suckling her breasts harder. âAlways.â
You unlatch your lips from her tits, and continue kissing downwards, past her tight waist, down towards her spread legs. âBabe⊠you're so⊠wet⊠How long have you wanted me?â Her folds are glistening, soaked with her greed and desire to start a family.
âAlways. Ever since we got married. Ever since you asked me out. Ever since I met you.â Hayoung says, cupping your face to look up at hers. âI've always wanted to marry you, start a family with you, bear your childâŠâ
You stare deeply into her eyes, and some switch flips inside you. You stand upright instantly, hands reaching down to unbuckle your belt. You tug your loosened pants down, letting it fall to the ground, your ankles kicking it aside. You're hard, unbelievably hard. Your cock throbs with need, already leaking from the slit as the tip hovers before her pussy.
âHayoung.â You whisper, your hands gripping her tiny waist. She looks up at you, her eyes begging with raw desire. âLet's start a family.â
The moment those words left your mouth, you push into her slowly â she's so wet, so ready â and she cries out, head nodding desperately as her nails dig into your back. You sink yourself bit by bit, parting her tight, hot walls until you're fully embedded in her.
âYou're so tightâŠâ you groan, her heat melting both your cock and your mind.
âI need you⊠pleaseââ
Even before she completes her sentence, you draw yourself out till your tip is the only thing left, and thrust it back in. You set a steady pace, thrusting deep, fucking Hayoung missionary on the island as you grip her waist tight.
âGod fuckââ Hayoung moans as she loses her balance, her back falling onto the cold marble of the island. Her back arches into a deep semi-circle as you fuck your cock into her, and she wraps her legs around you, pulling you closer, deeper.
âFill me,â she begs. âGive it to me. Make me yours. Make our baby tonight⊠pleaseâŠâ
You lean forward and pull her upwards again, grunting as you thrust deep into her over and over again, sheathing your cock in and out repeatedly. You kiss her tears, her mouth, thrusting harder, faster, chasing the edge together. Hayoung's moans turn into sobs â not sad, but overwhelmed, like everything sheâs carrying is finally spilling out.
âI want it so bad,â she gasps between your thrusts. âI want your baby inside me. I want to feel you cum in me⊠deep⊠until Iâm full⊠until Iâm pregnant with our childâŠâ
âI want it too.â You growl, staring into her glassy eyes as you fuck her harder and faster. She's impossibly wet as you continuously drive yourself in and out of her wet heat, the rationality of your mind blurring to only one goal â to breed. âI never wanted to not have a child. Iâve always wanted to start a family with you⊠I want to carry our child.â
âThen cum in me. I don't care if we're not at 50%...â Hayoung cries, âWeâll figure it out. Like we always do. Right?â
You drive into her one last time, groaning her name as you spill into her with deep pulses, filling her while she shudders around you. She pulls you into her soft breasts and cries out in bliss as she cums hard. Her walls clenches around you erratically, refusing to let you go as you continue to thrust into her.
Your thrusts slow into a stop as you both ride out your orgasms, and you collapse onto her, both a sweaty, gasping mess.
You stay inside her, breathing together, until she whispers, âDonât pull out yet.â
You don't.
You slide your arms underneath her thighs and lift her â still joined â and carry her to the laundry room.
The washing machine display is sleek, silver, humming faintly in demo mode. You set her on the edge, legs dangling, and thrust again. The machine vibrates under her, sending shocks into her and she gasps, head falling back.
âWhen we have one,â she pants, âyouâll fuck me like this⊠all the time⊠while it shakes us bothâŠâ
You grip her hips, driving deep. âIâll fill you every time,â you growl. âEvery load. Until youâre pregnant. Until we have our family.â
She loses her composure from the added sensations, and slides downwards, one of her legs now rooted onto the ground for support.
The intense vibration of the washing machine sends tremors through Hayoungâs tight body into your core, sending shocks and tingles to every nerve of your cock as you piston into her.
âItâsâtoo muchââ Hayoung cries, her body shivering and trembling with pleasure. âYouâre so fullâso deepâin meâI can feelâyour dickâshaking and rubbingâagainst my pussyââ
âYou feel so good baby. Your insides, they're so tight, so hot⊠I feel like Iâm melting inside of you,â you moan, shuddering at the intense heat. You look at her as she crumbles in your arms, so vulnerable, yet so precious. You want to give the world to her, and you do, switching up the pace.
You pull out fully, rubbing your tip on her fluttering folds and Hayoung sobs. âW-why did you take out⊠more please⊠moreâŠâ
You stay silent, and your only reply is a deep, slow thrust. All the way to the hilt. You stay fully embedded in her, moving your hands down to press against the bulge on her waist thatâs formed from your dick. Pressing on it firmly, you rub and push in small circular bursts.
âBaby w-what is this feeling, it-it feels so good,â Hayoung shakes and moans, her hands desperately reaching down cup against yours. She shakes your hand faster, grinding and rubbing your palm against the bulge harder, moaning and crying even louder.
âI-I it feels so goodâIâm gonna fuckingâfuck fuck fuckâcumââ
The combined vibration from the washing machine and the rubbing sends her over the edge. Hayoung shrieks as she cums again, crying out loud as she clenches around you. Her hands and body freezes, but you don't stop rubbing â you rub against the bulge even faster, your hands a blur. Her juices flood and soak your groin as she squeezes around your cock rhythmically, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as she rides out her orgasm.
You don't wait for her to recover. Still buried deep within her soaked warmth, you lift her again and carry her to the living room blueprint.
âDonât stop,â she begs, each step you take prodding her sensitive walls. âKeep your cum deep inside of me.â
The big gray sectional sofa waits, plush and deep. You sit slowly, never breaking contact, letting her settle fully onto you. Hayoungâs thighs tremble around your hips as she straddles you, her knees sinking into the soft and plush cushions. Sheâs still shaking from the previous orgasms, still slick and full, but her eyes burn with something fiercer now.
She starts moving with slow rolls of her hips at first, grinding down hard enough to make you groan. Her hands brace on your shoulders as she finds a rhythm.
âI want to feel you everywhere,â she whispers, voice cracking. âTouch me⊠please⊠touch all of me. Donât just love me tonight. Touch me. Breed me. Make me feel it.â
Her words hit like a plea. Itâs raw and desperate, born from the pain of the day, the pain from the sense of helplessness. Sheâs not asking for gentleness anymore; she wants to be taken, claimed, reminded that sheâs still here, still wanted, even when everything else feels lost.
You slide your hands up her sides, tracing every curve, every inch of her skin. Your fingers slide across her ribs, thumbs brushing the undersides of her breasts, then cupping them fully, kneading softly at first, then harder as she moans. You pinch her nipples between thumb and forefinger, rolling them until she arches, gasping.
âLike this?â you murmur.
âMore,â she begs, bouncing harder now. Her hips rise and fall in a frantic rhythm as she fucks your cock, taking you deeper with every downward stroke. âTouch me⊠everywhere⊠donât hold back⊠I need to feel your hands on me⊠all of meâŠâ
One hand slides down her back, fingers digging into the soft flesh of her ass, lifting her slightly so you can thrust up harder. The other hand roams across her body, stroking her stomach, pressing against the bulge where youâre buried inside her, rubbing the spot that makes her sob with pleasure.
She rides you desperately, bouncing faster, thighs slapping against yours, breasts jiggling with each drop. Tears stream down her cheeks, mixing with her sweat, but she doesnât stop. She leans forward, pressing her forehead to yours. âI donât want to be loved tonight,â she gasps between bounces. âI want to be touched. Filled. Bred. I want you to take me until thereâs nothing left but you inside me. Until I canât think about the money⊠or Dad⊠or anything except you breeding me.â
You groan, hands gripping her hips tighter. You lift her up and down now, controlling the pace, using her body like she asked. You slam her down onto your cock over and over. Sheâs weightless in your hold, your trembling, needy wife thatâs riding the edge.
âTake it,â you growl. âTake every inch. Iâm breeding you tonight. Iâm filling you until youâre overflowing. Until youâre pregnant. Until our child is growing in you.â
âYes⊠yesâŠâ she sobs, bouncing harder. âUse me⊠fuck me like you mean it⊠make me yours⊠make me a mother⊠please⊠I need it so bad⊠cum in me⊠fill me deep⊠donât stopâŠâ
You thrust up to meet her every drop, hands lifting her hips faster, harder. The sofa creaks beneath you and the cushions sink under the force. Her moans turn into broken cries.
âIâm close,â she gasps. âIâm so close⊠touch me⊠please⊠touch me everywhere⊠make me cum on your cock⊠breed me⊠pleaseâŠâ
You slide one hand between you, thumb finding her clit, rubbing fast circles.
She shatters with her head thrown back, crying out your name, walls pulsing around you as she cums hard. The clench drags you over the edge and you thrust up one last time, spilling deep with your hot and thick cum, flooding her while she trembles and sobs above you.
She collapses forward, forehead pressed to yours, both of you gasping. You stay inside her, softening slowly, arms wrapped tight around her waist.
Tears drip onto your chest as she whispers, âDonât pull out yet.â
âBedroom,â she says against your lips. âPlease. One more. Give me all your cum. Only then I can be sure that Iâll get pregnant.â
The king-size display waits with thick gray duvet, pillows stacked high and starry string lights draped over the headboard like a night sky. You lay her down gently, but the need is too strong for gentleness.
You flip her onto her stomach first and fuck your cock into her doggy. She arches her back with her ass up, hands gripping the duvet tight. You thrust from behind, deep and hard, hands on her hips, pulling her back onto you with every thrust.
âTake it,â you grunt. âTake every inch of my cock.â
She pushes back, moaning, tears soaking the pillow. âYes⊠yes⊠breed me⊠please⊠fuck me like you mean it⊠make me pregnant⊠make me yoursâŠâ
You lean over her, chest to her back, one hand sliding under to rub her clit. She cums hard again, walls milking you desperately. You thrust through it, chasing your own release.
You push her pliable body down onto the bed pronebone, and she lies flat on her stomach, legs spread, you covering her completely. You thrust deep, spearing your cock into her depths, grinding against her ass.
âLook at me,â you whisper, turning her face so you can see her eyes. âI love you. Weâre doing this. No matter what.â
Tears stream down her cheeks as she nods.
âI love you too,â she gasps. âCum in me⊠one last time⊠fill me⊠make me full⊠make our baby⊠pleaseâŠâ Her walls squeeze tight every time you push in, and even tighter when you pull out. Your cock has become a plug for her pussy, one that stops your seed from flowing out.
You shift again, flipping her onto her back, back to missionary. You fuck into her face-to-face, making eye contact as her legs wraps around your waist. You thrust slow, deep, savoring every inch.
âYouâre mine,â you say with a hoarse and rough voice. âForever. Iâm going to cum in you until youâre dripping. Until youâre pregnant. Until we have our family.â
She sobs, utterly broken and overwhelmed. She's in pure bliss at the thought of her belly full, full of your cum, full of your seed, full with your eventual child that will grow inside of her.
âYes⊠yes⊠breed me⊠give it all to me⊠empty yourself inside me⊠make me yours⊠make me a mother⊠please⊠I need it so badâŠâ
You can't hold back any longer. You grab on to shoulders and drive into her, jackhammering your cock into her pussy the fastest you can. Wet squelching sounds and the slapping of your fleshes against each other echoes around the empty showroom. The bed is utterly soaked with both of your sweat, forming deep dark stains that will be marked into the sheets forever, but you don't care.
There's only one thing on your mind, and that is to unload your balls empty into Hayoung's womb, in hopes of giving form to a new life. âI-I'm gonna cumââ you grunt.
âInside please⊠give me everything⊠everything inside of meâŠâ Hayoung sobs frantically.
You drive deep, groaning her name as you cum hard, spilling everything you have left while she clenches around you, crying out in release. She milks you with desperate pulses, drawing out every drop, wringing you dry, until youâre both trembling, spent, and collapsed together.
You stay inside her, softening slowly, arms wrapped tight. She curls into your chest, hand resting on her stomach. It's trembling, hopeful.
âWeâll make it real,â she whispers. âSomehow.â
You kiss her forehead.
âSomehow,â you promise.
Under the starry lights of a pretend bedroom with the world locked outside, you hold each other tight.
The savings board is still back home.
40%.
But tonight, you built something anyway.
***
A few weeks have passed since that night in Blue Prints.
The apartment is the same â thin mattress, multi-purpose dining table, ginger tea boxes on the extra chairs. The savings board on the wall has crept up to 43%. You twist the knob this evening, and the left dial clicks forward, the right falling to 57%. It's not much, but it's something.
A quiet reminder that progress, even slow, is still progress.
Hayoung is at the multi-purpose table, boiling water for tea. The new shoes sit by the door, their laces neatly tied. They still look almost new â she gives extra care and attention to it, taking care not to soil her favourite sky blue colour â and she flexes her toes in them sometimes.
You watch her from the mattress, phone in hand with another house tour paused on the screen. She brings two mugs over, handing you one, then curls into your side. Her head rests on your shoulder.
âI added one more percent today,â you say.
She glances at the board, then back at you. âOne percent,â she echoes, smiling small. âItâs still moving.â
She sips her tea and sets it down. Her hand drifts to her stomach. She doesn't say anything about tracking cycles or tests; she just rests her palm there, like she's holding space for the possibility.
You cover her hand with yours.
âRemember the night we lost the money?â you ask quietly. âYou cried in the shower. I thought youâd break.â
She nods. âI thought Iâd ruined everything. The win. The dream. Us.â
You squeeze her hand. âYou didn't ruin anything. You saved your dad. And weâre still here.â
She turns her face into your neck, breathing you in. âI still think about the onesie in the drawer sometimes. And the crib we imagined. And the kitchen where Iâd make baby food.â
âWeâll get there. One percent at a time.â
She lifts her head, eyes shining. Itâs not with tears this time, but with something steadier. Hope, perhaps. Or stubbornness.
You pull her closer, arms around her waist. She nestles against your chest, hand still on her stomach, with yours covering it.
The savings board watches from the wall.
43%.
The blueprints right now may be scattered, but the ones for your futures aren't.
A/N: Happy Isa Day! A âcollabâ with @ggidolsmuts who approached me with this piece a year ago and hard carried.
Isa belongs on the naughty list, and she knows it.
âHey, Isa!â
âHappy holidays, babe!â She sinks into your embrace. Isaâs lips are cool against yoursâbrief, sweet, with a hint of gingerbread lip balm sheâs testing for the holidaysâbefore she pulls back just enough to meet your eyes. Work commitments meant the two of you had to spend the holidays apart, and only now do you finally get to hold her again.
âI missed you,â she says, and you can tell how much she means it the way her hug nearly suffocates you.
âMe too.â You tighten your arms around her waist, bringing her closer, feeling every little crevice of Isaâs warm, sensual body. You definitely miss all of this.
âDid Santa get me anything this year?â And without missing a beat, thereâs that playful Isa, the kind of playfulness that gets you kicked out of places you have no business being.
Day 11 of 12 days of IZ*mas
9.6k words
âââââ
The 2 AM call time sucks.
You should be in bed right now, getting some needed rest, refreshing your mind and body for the days ahead. Even more so since it's the holidays, the time of year where patience and discipline are pushed to their absolute limit.
Instead, this is your life, your 9-to-5. Standing out in the cold winter air, several bags in tow, waiting for the client and beginning the day's proper.
Yes. She starts her day at 2 AM. She's a goddamn freak. The only people you know who get up this early are so-called âbusiness influencersâ and professional athletes.
Yujin is neither of those. She's a singer, first and foremost. More importantly, she's got more mileage on her body than you think.
âââââ
And so:
"Sorry I'm late!" Yujin greets you cheerfully as she meets you at the apartment lobby entrance, bringing along a few bags of her own.
"You sure you got enough sleep?" you ask, knowing damn well her energy equals that of someone who's got their arbitrary eight hours of rest. Professional courtesy, after all.
To your lack of utter shock, she's more than ready. And judging by her appearanceâtrackpants, sports bra, training jacket, the not-so-subtle flaunting of her toned absâthis is her morning routine.
"Sorry for coming in on such short notice," she suddenly remarks, a reminder of how you've ended up in this position: a representative from her companyâa manager most likelyâcoming into contact looking for what's basically a personal assistant after the last one resigned prematurely. Something about the unforgiving schedule that apparently she's been following for a few years now.
It's not your usual graveyard shift; if anything, it's the kind of schedule that'll send anyone to an early grave.
So it's a wonder how Yujin manages to keep herself fit while seemingly having a routine like this. There's no weariness, no sign of exhaustion emanating from her. She's in peak, functioning condition.
And she's not even a professional athlete.
"Yeah, no worries," you say, gripping onto your bag a little tighter than usual. Out of fear, maybe just a lingering sense of dread. But she seems all warm and friendly from what you've seen so far. "So, what are we doing today?"
"Bike ride," she says, opening one of her bags to reveal a folded bicycle, at which you open yours. Management had sent a laundry list of things to bringâand this was your first day on the job.
"How far are we going?" you ask.
"Something light. A nice 40 mile bike ride from here to the mountains."
You almost spit out the non-existent water in your mouth. Your eyes widen in shock. "What?"
"I know, right?" she quips so casually, like it's something normal people do everyday. "You can keep up, can you?"
That's right: Yujin does this on the regular, which explains her toned figure. While most people are fast asleep at this time, sheâs readying for a marathon. A championship game. A gold medal.
It takes a moment to find the right words. "Yeahâyeah, of course."
She breaks out into a big, admittedly sweet grin. "Of course you can. You're my new assistant for a reason!"
It doesn't matter how much cardio you do. How many miles you cover, how many sprints you take part in: nothing can prepare you for 40 miles straight on the road.
And that still doesn't account for the climbing, the mountainous incline in question making it hard to maintain your current pace.
This run might just break your own personal record. And your legs. And maybe your spirit.
âââââ
"You okay?" Yujin asks you an hour and a half later.
You look at her incredulously, almost disbelieving the absurdity of the situation. "Are you serious?"
13 miles in and you're nowhere close to reaching whatever destination she had in mind. Cycling up a curving hill, accompanied by only the streetlights and the city far off in the distanceâyou're damn sure you'll see the sun rise before you even make it anywhere close at this rate.
You can see the confusion etched across her face, the fact she might just be genuine in her question: "You want me to push you harder?"
This fucking girl.
You can't help but laugh through ragged breaths and wheezing, strained gasps. "Yujinâ"
"You're right." And, oddly enough, she looks pretty concerned. "Want to take five? My treat!"
Thankfully, she stops cycling and pulls over to a spacious lay-by. If you were gonna say something, it would've been lost in a fit of breathlessness.
Getting off her bike, taking the initiative to set up a makeshift table with her seatâreplete with a plastic bowl and seatsâfrom out of her bags. While she's got her back turned, you take it as an opportunity to gather your thoughts and breathe.
What are the odds of you, a normal individual, assigned to the likes of An Yujin: a member of one of Korea's top groups, a role model for all sorts of girls. All by chance and happenstance. It's the stuff of fairytales.
Sure, she's incredibly nice. That's to be expected, considering her line of work as an idol. She's amiable, knows what she's doing, and takes responsibility.
The same couldn't be said, however, about how hot she is. That's an unfortunate, unaccounted-for truth.
More to the point, there's some weird, indiscernible appeal from how she's acting right now. All this effort, this preparation for a quick snack of fruits and slices of various cheese to pair with otherwise ordinary bread.Â
"Made this myself, I'm sorry," Yujin remarks with a chuckle, spreading a block of cheese with a knife on a cracker, the pieces neatly stacked by her side, paired with some chopped carrots. "Gotta monitor my diet stillâ"
"It's all good," you say, finally catching up to her, completely spent, your legs aching. "Wow."
"Take a seat. And let me know if it's alright," she urges. And she takes the chance to grab some herself, handing you a bottle of water in the process.
Now that you're sitting down, just about to relax in your seat, your focus becomes attuned to Yujin's assets. Her sleek physique, how the glow of the nearby streetlights casts shadows across her fit, shapely figure. You've never really been that into gym junkies or people who'd obsess over physical health and fitness like thatâ
And yet, it's strangely beguiling to observe her eating the crackers slowly.
You observe as she tilts her head upwards, opening her mouthâyou can just see her toned jaw clenchâswallowing slowly. She bites down on the crunchy snack, and, from the way she moves her headâchewing, relishing the food she's made herself.
And you catch yourself staring at her bare, exposed body: her midriff, the outline of her abs in the darkness; her defined biceps flexing ever so slightly every time she turns her arm; even the tight band of her sports bra hugging the curve of her perky, voluminous breasts, her nipples poking from beneath. A reminder that you're still out in the cold.
"So what do you think?"
Yujin is such a welcome, perfect sight. All sultry and lascivious in how she eats so casually yet sensually. A reminder that you're still in a state of weakness, winded, helpless. It feels too sinful for words.
"Huh?" You blink twice, hoping to remove any dirt in your vision. Because she's now in front of you, leaning forward ever so slightly. Close up in your personal space, meeting your gaze. A grin on her lips, her teeth showing through a dark smile, looking at you expectantly, her hands on the chair she just set up for you.
There's an embarrassing amount of effort that goes in keeping your jaw shut tight, biting into a cheek. She's inches, less, from youâit's fucking nerve-wracking.
She makes a vague, nonsensical gesture towards her meal, breaking you out of your daze.
"Oh, I don't mind, I'm more of a homebody when it comes to food," you respond, suddenly blitzing through your gifted snack. "Though, these look really nice. Impressive, considering our environment."
"Suit yourself," she hums, sliding the spread closer, making sure she can be at the very front of your sights. And you make sure she gets a good show as well, taking the cracker piece in front of her slowly. Biting into it, and feeling it between your tongueâshe stares and smiles approvingly, shifting her weight on her elbows. "That's why you're my assistant now."
"Thanks. How much further?" you manage, letting the crumbled food dissolve. It takes all your willpower not to look directly into her eyes; Yujin leans in just close enough for her to have an unobscured view of you.
"Not long. I think."
Her gaze drifts over the bowl, prompting you to do something; your fingers instinctively grab a peach from the platter. It's like your eyes have a mind of their own: Yujin's bodyâyou swear she's deliberately swaying her hips, rolling her toned legs around. Her curves have no business being in your head at all.
She's grinning through the corner of your eye, observing you eating her snack so hesitantly; she leans forward, an air of satisfaction emanating from the confident tilt of her chin. It's getting distracting.
"Everything alright?"
There's the tiniest hint of suspicion and amusement in Yujin's voice. Just something about the tone, the edge in her voice. You clear your throat.
"Iâm fine."
"Your mind seems to be elsewhere."
Yujin presses a slender finger against your temple, an abrupt tap on the forehead. Just the slightest touch of her skin sends a shiver, a tingle down your spine; a twitch of an arm or legâinconclusive. A fleeting impulse.
But she lingers. Gently pushing, scraping against the side of your head, and you can hear the click, the click, her nails snapping away on a strand of loose hair. A languid, casual sigh escapes her lips.
"Hey. Wake up." She grabs an arm, snapping you back to reality, as if by muscle memory.
"Sorry," you reply quickly and sheepishly. The flush of embarrassment climbs up the neck, rises and spreads across your face. "Yeah. Weird. Umâ"
The faint, beeping notification sound echoes throughout the still airâher eyes shift focus, seemingly intrigued. She perks her head up ever so slightly in interest.
"Check that for me?"
"Whaâ"
"You got your phone right?" Yujin chirps, sliding over to the backrest. "Well, can I take it for a sec? If you're not busy, of courseâ"
"Don't mind it," you respond, searching through the small pouch pocket on the inside of your pants, withdrawing your phone. It's too difficult, awkward to have her watching intently as you search for the deviceâyour movements, every little motion, feel so jittery. Like your entire being, your very soul, is suddenly being monitored.
The contact: Yujin herself, who was coincidentally standing over the horizon as well, the brightness from her device's flashlight visible. A quick look over and she has the audacity to blush at whatever she sees.
"Waitâoh. Oops," she murmurs, bringing a hand to her lips. An act, a gesture to hide her smile. "Um, that was for my previous assistant. I forgot."
You raise a brow and Yujin bites into her lower lip, shifting in place: she's straddling her legs, intertwining both hands together, awkwardly gazing downwards. As if to hide some shame, maybe some lingering embarrassment from a certain photo sent on her part.
She laughsâa high-pitched, short giggle. Her fingers move closer to each other, pulling taut, pale white flesh. Nails scraping skin.
"Do I have anything else to see?" you tease. A dumb move, but maybe not entirely, judging by her reaction.
"Nope." Yujin meets your gaze once more, her composure regainedâlike she didn't send a candid photo of herself on the beach. Practically naked.
"Worth a shot," you shrug.
"Keep dreaming, smart guy. Okay. Ready to continue?" she grins, somehow a sign you were looking forward to.
"Whenever."
You return the device, and in return, receive a deceptively tender brush against your fingertips.
And then the sharp pang, the unbearable feeling of heat spreading across your chest.
Something strange about her eyes, how they're suddenly all you can see; how there's a hint of hesitation, a trace, the remnants of a smile still. A mystery.
"C'mon, Slowpoke! Let's get moving!"
Her call snaps you from your haze, and she's already got a fair bit of distance from you. With no further ado, you proceed to give chase, mounting your bicycle for a small respite.
That is, if the metaphorical angel on your shoulder permits.
âââââ
"We're here!" says Yujin, yelling from her lungs as she approaches the parking lot for what appears to be a vantage point of the city below. To no one's surprise, it's only you two, which explains her screaming.
She seems ecstatic. A madwoman, laughing as she dismounts from her bike so carelessly, letting the gears lock down and ensuring its stability through the wind. There's nothing better to do other than to watch Yujin hop past the guardrailâshe nearly tumbles from her attempt to peer off the cliff edgeâand let out a deep, drawn-out cry of satisfaction and excitement.
Somehow, the last two hours flew by like they were nothing.
"Straight ahead!" she squeals. "Nice, beautiful sight. Want a look?"
That doesn't seem like an offer.
It's the perfect view: a large cityscape sprawled out before you, dotted buildings like tiny boxes a mile high.
But it doesn't quite match how majestic Yujin is right now: a sweaty, weary traveler with a huge grin plastered across her face, sporting a youthful glee from atop the hillside vista, shining under the light of the rising sun. It's the most vibrant she's ever been, and perhaps, how she truly is.
Yujin tilts her head innocently. "What d'you mean?"
A better question: what are you doing?
There's an easy way of making sense of things: that Yujin's getting herself tangled up. Getting personal, prying, taking her time in coaxing out a response, an answer, or any words of any kind from your mouth. There's the alternative option: maybe it's just your tired ass thinking shit that doesn't exist.
"The usual," you say finally, nodding. "You know. Assistant duty. Following you around and getting what you ask for."
"Didn't know you were a professional babysitter."
"Aww," you fake cry, wiping an invisible tear from your cheek. "Well, it's kinda what was written on the job description."
Yujin snorts, in contrast to the poised and confident face she typically holds up. There's a particular moment where her posture softens, where she crosses her arms and looks down to the ground. And she nods as a silent acknowledgment.
"Whatever you say. Um, how's the work been so far?"
It's hard to understand whether she genuinely likes you or not, because, really, you never know with people. After all, if you barely know this woman. A little over five hours, to be exact.
So you're glad that she's happy with your answer, which, really, you say mostly out of professional courtesy: "Great. Really exciting. Fun. It'll get me to put everything in, and, wellâmaybe give me a reason to get out of bed everyday."
The smile she beams at you feels like the biggest reward. Sure, you've had kind clients before, but not one with an air of cute innocence that Yujin has. Not one so disarming and trustworthy. She could really convince someone to kill or rob a bank just with a friendly conversation and a warm hug.
She gives your arm a little pat as a reward.
"Hopefully," Yujin remarks softly, affectionately. She bites her lip and gives you a meaningful look. "You're easy to talk to. A good listener."
"Really," you quip back, incredulous. "Well, that's a first."
Yujin seems satisfied and cheerful, and you know this is a pretty decent first impression, so now is a good opportunity to capitalize and show your usefulness.
"Maybe it'd be a good idea for us to get to know each other better then," Yujin suggests out of the blue.
"Hopefully."
âââââ
The rest of the day is the usual: the stuff of nightmares, the kind that makes managers quit. No wonder the last one left too soon.
Practice, filming for different contents, selfies, and practice. Lots and lots of practice.
While you're mostly there to monitor the members and occasionally help from the sidelines, you can feel the exhaustion emanating from them. Hours and hours for different award shows and gayos, covering choreographies and individual performances that take a good few hours for them to get down, along with their lines and cues.
Even with built-in breaks, the girls still look visibly beaten to a pulp when their studio session finishes. Even more so when an extra one's scheduled right after a round of appearances. No amount of makeup can hide the exhaustion on their faces.
Especially Yujin, being the primary speaker for interviews.
At the end of the day, she's completely spent, and, surprisingly, eerily quiet. So much so, you have to occasionally check on her during the ride home.
So you take it upon yourself to prod.
"Not in the talking mood, Yujin?"
She merely shakes her head, so evidently tired. You wonder how she's had the will to keep smiling and move around so much during the entire day. How her body has the capacity and stamina to endure hours and hours of dancing, even with the cycling exercise you had earlier.
Today's just practice, too. How much more when the actual festivals arrive, with constant travel and makeup added to the mix.
Yujin, and the others by extension, are on a different plane. One that's impossibly high to attain by mere mortals.
"Exhausted?" you venture, hoping to make small talk. A method to kill time while on the freeway en route to her hotel.
There's a sniffâshort and curtâfrom Yujin. From the side mirror, you spot her twitching an arm, the effort to get into a new position. She flops an arm and exhales deeply. "Kind of, butââ she hesitates, before ultimately conceding, âYeah.â
"Got plans for tomorrow?"
It takes a beat, like her brain needs an entire extra second before processing the response. You have to take a second glance to check if Yujin's not fallen asleep mid-sentence.
"Oh, just a simple schedule, just practice," she mumbles, her head barely able to prop itself up. "We got the hall booked for just half a day soânot that demanding compared to today at least."
"Good," you chuckle, fixing up the AC. Yujin slumps back into her seat and slings an arm on the headrest, like her usual postures whenever she's bored. "At least there's a little time for yourself, consideringâ"
She suddenly sighs, and you think she's slipped into her comfortable sleep. She breathes, and you've never really noticed how thick, husky, and tantalising her breaths have been the entire time.
"âthis won't end any time soon, you know?"
"Will it end for real, though?"
Yujin just murmurs noncommittally. A tired groan. A drowsy little groan from deep within her lungs and throat.
Your palms grow increasingly sweaty, from how Yujin shifts uncomfortably in her chairâher lips curve into a cute pout, she mumbles inaudiblyâand how she crosses her arms, which naturally leads to her long legs stretching. It's completely harmless: her toned calf muscles sliding past, touching against the console, her toes tapping away.
"We still have the tour coming up when this is all done. I hope you enjoy flying," she remarks.
It's strange how you're drawn to how her feet drag against the flooring; how she lets them dangle and twiddle, lightly swinging and bobbing. You can't help but follow each of her movements closely, with every turn of an ankle, how she twists a wrist, stretches her thighs by spreading her legs just a smidge, showing just an inch. Just a single, flirtatious inch.
This is nothing; all she did is roll her feet around, nothing more, but you're greatly intrigued.
"Gonna be honest, I haven't really travelled," you reply absently, but still aware of every tiny motion and shift that her body does in a single frame, like a reflex action: the tilt of her head; the raise of an eyebrow, followed by an arm bending and reaching upwards, sliding off her hoodieâ
This isn't exactly fair.
But when have things really ever been, especially where she's concerned.
All while meeting your gaze, holding eye contact, there's a burning, radiating desire beneath those sleepy eyes, glimmering through those thick black locks that cover half her vision. An awareness that's dizzying, sickening, and strangely stimulating.
"Well, you've mostly been working with actors and athletes, so," Yujin remarks, shaking off her bangs and fluffing her hair in the process. It's unneeded and purposefully seductive, the little tosses she makes, brushing it up and over a hint of bare shoulder. "I think, anywaysâam I right?"
"Yeah.â You barely respond, the grip of the steering wheel growing slippery and moist. The distance to the hotel never seemed so far until now.
And Yujin's caught on to the little staring sessions, the attention, every single little detail and decision she's taken. "Been to some clubs?"
She makes sure the movement's done precisely and thoroughly. Your eyes immediately fall towards her slender, trained, sinewy fingers, skipping past her plump lips and coy, knowing grin. All done intentionally, as a deliberate show to pull every single muscle in your body taut, blood pulsating hotly, heart pounding furiously.
"Some." The answer is brief, an attempt to steer conversation back in your direction.
"Nice! How about right now? Anything going on?" Yujin perks up, hands creeping to her shoulders and rubbing the skin like some massage, slowly. In an obvious tease. "Nothing to do?"
You manage a curt nod.
"Okay," she whispers. And suddenly her movements halt as soon as it happened; and, after a pause, Yujin gives an exaggerated yawn. "Hm. Sorry, feeling a little lazy. Are we close to the hotel?"
A rush of panic as your focus snaps back to the road ahead, narrowly missing an oncoming taxi as it angrily honks at you. Yujin merely laughs at your near-catastrophic blunder.
"One moment," she groans, pulling out her cellphoneâto reveal a couple of notifications, all from a single messenger. "Ugh."
"What is it?"
"Early call time tomorrow, apparently. Guess we can't bike at dawn later."
"Good for my legs," you quip, letting out a bit of a chuckle.
"Was looking forward to it, actually," she replies back, tossing her phone carelessly on the backseat. "I really enjoyed it."
"Hey, I meanâI liked it," you say, tilting your gaze back to her, sitting idly, folded like a sheet of paper. She gives a sheepish giggle. And the glimpse of a slight smirk as she nods approvingly.
"Do you?" Her lips part open, tongue darting over to lick them, moist and shining in the moonlight. "Good to know."
"From what I've seen," you trail off, clumsily. "Yeah."
Yujin's lying down on the rear seat, with all the space in the world, fidgeting her arms to arrange herself in a better, more comfortable position; the tight clothing doesn't really help either. "Do you mind staying a bit longer? I mean, until I get settled back at the hotel."
"Of course."
"Great, but only if you'd want to, of course," Yujin laughs lightly, stretching her arms again. A content, satisfied sigh. "I didn't forget: you're already working overtime by now."
"After our conversation earlier, that'd just leave a bad impression on my part, right?"
"Good response," she admits with a wink, nudging a loose foot right at the back of the chair; she grabs one of the thin plastic bags within your reach, slinging a foot over the bag in a silly, lazy manner.
"Thanks, I try my best."
"Unrelenting spiritâthat's how we get shit done," says Yujin enthusiastically, letting out a brief burst of energy before she crashes back down, lazily lifting her foot up and dropping it once again. Another playful nudge at the back of the seat.
And despite her feeble and lethargic expression, it feels like she's waiting, expecting for something, anticipating: fingers wrapped around the rim of her shorts, raising her leg ever so slightly.
âââââ
You help Yujin with her bags to her temporary hotel room. The same bags you'd been carrying since dawn.
"Hm."
She's deep in thought as you set her luggage aside. There's an uncomfortable silence settling in the living room as you busy yourself with the arrangements, letting your eyes wander around.
It's a humble but luxurious hotel suite, a testament to her success; perhaps a little too spacious for a short-term stay, excessive even. A couple of sleek sofas on the sides, with the obligatory, wide television fixed to the wall and placed dead ahead. And, of course, a clean, fully-equipped bathroom with all the latest necessities.
"Do you have any spare clothes on you?" she suddenly asks, tilting her gaze to one of the bags partially opened.
"There's probably a handful of things I might have leftover at the very bottom," you answer without missing a beat.
Yujin turns around, but her gaze looks different this time: tense, intrusive, almost demanding something from you. It's an indescribable feeling that's rendering you speechless. A suffocating sense that builds up as you stare back at her, trying hard to mask her true intentions, the real intent ofâwhatever this is.
"Well," she starts, slipping a hand beneath her vest. She tugs a strap, and slowly drags it down from her shoulders. "Do you mind joining me in the sauna later? Bring those clothes, like I said."
She raises a curious brow, pausing to see your reaction. Yujin bites her lip and lets out an expectant hum.
"Sure," you say, trying to fight off your intrusive thoughts, tilting your gaze away, keeping yourself detached. Work is work. The pay is more important, though it's a nice bonus at the end of a long day. "I mean, I don't have a room to stay inâ"
"Don't worry about it," she remarks, twiddling with the zipper of her hoodie, sliding it down. She doesn't wait till they part to slip it off, revealing a black bra beneath her simple white tank top. It's so dangerous how casual she is about it allâthe invitation, the undressingâthe thing that starts scandals and ruins careers. Not to mention, the short shorts she'd been wearing the whole time from the ride home. "I've got your room covered. All on me."
"Uhâ"
"Overtime," Yujin mutters absently, taking a small step back, glancing your way.
"Uh-huh," you gulp.
Her fingers seem to be gripping the rim of her underwear with a fervent, insurmountable need, all but dragging them past her thighs; you wonder just how depraved she must be. It's a feat how long you manage not to look at the cleft of her ass, and how her poor excuse for clothes struggle to shield her most intimate parts.
It's getting increasingly harder to feign disinterest. "Soâ"
"Yeah. Get out. Join me in the sauna in thirty."
Before you can even say a word, Yujin's pushed you out the door, slamming it shut, leaving you in a world of unanswered questions and even more twisted, confusing intentions.
âââââ
Even the thirty minutes seemingly take forever. You find some solace and solitude in the calm sauna, thankfully clear of other patrons, giving you the luxury to strip naked yourself, finally relieving yourself of that lingering ache in your bones.
But it's only a matter of time. Time.
That seems to have been frozen for a moment, and then again when you set your foot outside, the heat and humidity hanging around even in the starkly-lit halls of the hotel; everything is smooth and easygoing, much like what was happening when you followed her inside.
She isn't visible at first, but her presence was never in doubt, and it's proven true once you set foot inside.
There she is, perched along the edge, in all her full glory: not a single article of clothing on her. No distractions, nothing hiding what's truly behind that fit, graceful frame; you take the initiative to look over every single inch of her exposed body, not out of an attempt to hide anything, but a means to really appreciate the full sight.
The fluorescent light glistens above, playing tricks with her body, painting her like a picture: a work of art sculpted by the gods themselves.
Yujin stretches one limb, then another, letting them touch the sidewalls and spread apart. There's something delectably alluring in the way her muscles move so fluidly. How her skin wraps and accentuates those well-proportioned curves of hers: from the calves to her thighs; the slender, sleek shape of her midriff; to her firm, pronounced chest, glistening under the light and drenched with water, down to the depths of her navel, drawing attention all the way to the slits where her legs joinâthe light hairs present enough of a hint on how wet she already isâwhich then draws your gaze all the way down her core, focusing on the hints of her nipples peeking out through the fog, like the very last remnants of sanity left.
Your mind is in disarray from a single glance at her inviting, willing frame, and you're only so human.
Yujin flashes her toothy grin again, confident, satisfied with herself and the effect her actions have over you. She opens her mouth wide to speak. "See something you like?"
You can tell she's loving this, feeling every second of it, savoring it so much. You've got half the mind to ravage her now, fuck her sillyâtake your share in this tempting offer, as a gift.
Yujin extends a finger and traces a long curve downward her body: neck, collar, her titsâshe flicks them and the whole mass follows, then right between and around a pert nipple, teasing, torturing you.
"Christ, Yujin. I thought you were sweet, but thisâ"
Her hand settles flat between the legs, stroking the line of her pussy up and down, up and down. And her voice trails off into an unrecognizable murmur. She breathes softly. "Does it surprise you?" The movements of her finger grow faster and wider; and the moans turn louder and higher. "The person underneath the professional image?"
"It does."
You dare take a step forward; a smirk grows and then stretches into a cheeky grin as Yujin squirms in her seat, arching her body to prop herself against the wall. Your mouth salivates; every motion she makes draws you nearer to her like a moth drawn to the flame. You're weak, helplessly drawn to her fit, sexy body, like a moth to a flame.
She bites her lip and tilts her head.
"Can you say no to something that's ready to go?" Yujin moans breathily, voice soft and husky, mellifluous like honey, making you weak at the knees.
One hand resting at the center of your chest, the other exploring the thick patch of hair on your navel, thumbing around as if waiting to do something. Yujin brings a single finger to her mouth and gives it a lustful lick, just shy of contact.
And you can tell it's not just a flirtatious attempt or a ploy to get something, something you never intended to give from the start. It's evident with each stroke, a thrust of the hips, a dip of the fingers in that waiting, soaking hole. Yujin arches and bucks her hips, gyrating wildly, andâ
Fuck.
Her body moves in rhythm, groping and squeezing her breast. There's something hypnotizing in the way she flicks a hard nipple, like it was a direct action to get you in bed with her; Yujin turns her head, slowly, slowly, exposing her gorgeous features in a mix of craze and bliss, a tight grimace.
It's clear how eager she is with every wave of the hips and twist of the torso, a heaving, shuddering mess as you feel your control slip, letting her have her own fun, take advantage, have a go and do whatever she wants to your poor, vulnerable body.
Yujin stumbles towards you, hands sprawled across your chest; and the hint of her bare feet scraping against the warm tiles as her legs fidget, wrapping against your waist.
It's her eyesâlike a dam bursting and unleashing its raw power, engulfing you beneath its powerful surge; she whispers breathlessly, needy and desperate, lips moving closer to yours. Her sweat sticks to your skin, and there's nothing left for you to hide, much less think.
"Oh God."
Yujin throws herself further into you, her supple, tight chest pushing firmly into your stomach, grinding against the bulge of your cock with a furious, fervent pace. In seconds, the heat building in your gut has climbed its way up in anticipation, but your hands are frozen in place, as if Yujin has complete mastery and control over them.
"Yujin, pleaseââ
She looks at you with a fiery gaze that tells you nothing can stop her.
Still, you try to resist.
"Please what?"
"You know what this means for both of us," you say, as she guides your hands to her waist.
"Sure I do."
"I'm being dead serious," you tell her, completely straight, genuine with your concern. "Especially consideringâ"
"So? I know what I'm doing," she answers, slowly grinding against you, the friction making you uncomfortable yet utterly flustered and aroused. "Don't act like I don't know the risks. Of course I came prepared."
"Such as?"
"Don't be stupid. You already know," she replies, her eyes narrowing. You almost want her to scold you, spank you. Maybe you deserve a bit of humiliation. Maybe she would give it if you just ask for it, if only to satisfy a different sort of craving that's been scratching at the surface.
Yujin just presses herself even tighter; her silken, smooth lips brush the bottom of your ear as she kisses it gently, her warm breaths sending shivers down your spine. You hold your breath.
She smiles as she wraps her hand around you and squeezesâher grasp, soft and firm, coaxing a hearty gasp, a burst of pleasure rising. Yujin gasps right into your ears and growls, "Just so we're both sure we'll remember each other after."
And right then and there, as a confirmation, a reassurance, Yujin kisses you. Deep in the lips, pouring every ounce of passion into it. Every moment counts, every minute spent together, from the sweat-filled hours from the night before, to this.
Andâ
You grab her waist, tight and hard. You push back.
A deep, intimate kiss; an attempt to sate yourselves with a taste of each otherâhot and fiery. You keep your tongues intertwined, twirled, caressing each other as Yujin closes in. Her feet tap at the floor, shaking in delight. You wrap a hand at her waist, fingers clawing at her slippery backside. And you're pulled even closerâimpossibly closeâso close that it feels like the two of you are melting together.
Untilâ
You pull away.
"Convinced?" she asks.
A moment. A breather. And then:
"Just exactly why, Yujin," you press, still unsure of what's really going on in the back of her mind.
Yujin smirks devilishly, tugging harder at her nipples. "If not for my charm, personality, or body."
You shoot her a look, she only snickers back.
"Now then. Get me wet," says Yujin huskily, closing the gap as fast as she can.
She presses into the soft pillows of your mouth again, melting, meshing together, while her hips buck, brushing her sopping wet crotch against youâslippery, soaked, warm and gooey, eager for more.
"Because there's nothing in this world that feels as amazing as getting fucked."
Just like that, your mind turns to mush, and every inhibition is thrown out the window. With each flick of a tongue and brush of a lip, there's only one thing on your mindâfucking her silly.
Yujin kisses you, hot and fast, pulling on your hair, drawing out moans. It feels so hot as her hands slide from your hair to the back of your neck, clutching it so firmly, holding it so dearly as if she doesn't want the moment to end.
As much as she wants. As much as it pleases her.
Her hands are on you. Her hips press forward, bringing your body closer to hers. It's almost painful when she pulls you tight. Her lips, moist and soft, warm and invitingâ
You force a groan from her throat, your body finally tensing up at the slightest of pressures she applies to it. It's almost a cry, almost a moan when you press further into her, driving her head back.
There are tears in her eyes. The agony is unimaginable, and yetâ
And yet she welcomes it. With the slightest quiver of her lips. Her chin trembles with a smile.
There is something so beautiful about seeing her so vulnerable, and somehow the feelings become mutual as the only thing you could do is surrender to the intensity.
"Just need you to give me a good fucking. Pound me senseless until I feel numb and can't walk for tonight. Nothing else," she mumbles against your skin, sending shivers down your spine. "Can you do that?"
Your mind swirls, caught up in a haze, drunk off of her, like an endless spell that she's placed on you. That's the thing you could call a crush.
It's all in the little details, the fine things you notice when looking her up close. She's the perfect package: gorgeous looks, a great laugh, and that spark of wit. She's not going to be someone who you'll ever really forget, that's for sure.
Which is exactly why, your hand slips and tugs at your growing erection.
She turns and puts her hands to the small of her back. And then, with a hand on your bulge, she brushes you against her firm, juicy ass. You just need a bit of her pussy in your face and maybe everything else would be a bit more bearable.
You bend and take in a mouthful. Your tongue swirls around, teasing her cunt with it; her juices drip down her inner thighs, a sweet, delicious treat for your insatiable mouth.
You keep the tongue flicking as you spread the lips of her ass wide, finding the little pleasure spot. It's glistening in the misty light, a testament to just how hot and wanton Yujin has become. And in turn, she moves her hands down her body, caressing the smooth planes of her flesh, spreading, tracing her cunt and circling it slowly.
Her hands graze past her own swollen clit, dipping a finger, then two, rubbing it furiously; her other hand rubs the rim, coating it with slick juices, smearing her fingers on her throbbing cunt.
With Yujin prone like this, pussy spread wide and allâyou wonder what could possibly make you stop.
Her pussy is so exposed that it's just begging to be tasted. To be devoured.
"Such a greedy fucker."
Yujin bites her lower lip. Her jaw stiffens. Her body tenses as you stand and plunge a finger deep inside her. Then another. It's slippery, sucking greedily on your hand, lapping at the two digits.
It starts out slowly. Fingers plunging in and out, exploring her wet, snug hole, soon joined by a third, to really probe and see her true reactions. She relaxes, comes undone gradually.
Your movements are timed with the pulsating of her walls; her inner folds suck hungrily and clamp down on your digits, begging for a second longer inside. Yujin squirms as you rub and brush her clit. Her back arches into a half circle as her legs buckle and stretch, pushing her cunt towards you, reaching in even deeper.
You continue teasing and sucking at her inner walls, her tight, juicy cunt. Her sweet aroma fills the air as you play with her splayed, dripping core, slipping your tongue inside it, poking and prodding with abandon.
She presses her cunt against your fingers; a bit tighter, a bit harder. With a third one plunging inside the velvet passage, your palm pressing against her engorged bud, she starts panting. Softly at first; but her breath turns ragged as the feeling builds, higher and faster. Yujin writhes, convulses, arching her body back. Her neck snaps upwards; her mouth, slightly open, drips with a string of spit; her fingers dig into the sheets and twist, exposing her sharpened canines.
One hand grips your arm while the other reaches towards her ass. She fumbles as she rubs her hole, looking for the one thing she desperately wants. You bite her earlobe, letting your warm breath wash over her neck.
"Please, just put it inâ"
"Not yet," you grit out, brushing her core, drawing a deep moan from her, pushing her forward against the walls.
A bit more teasing for good measure, a reminder of the twisted status quo that normally follows precedence: you're the assistant, but she's bent to your will.
Yujin's wanton display grows ever more intense as your hands move faster, deeper; she can feel your throbbing cock graze the inner lining of her slick slit, feel your chest pressed tight against her backâher breaths turn short and quick. She squeaks. Moans. Gasps. Her walls contract and squeeze; her ass twitches. Her eyes clamped shut. Her pussy stretched. Andâ
Right in that position.
There.
Yujin cums. Hard.
Her breath becomes ragged, heaving, filled with anticipation, ecstasy, relief. Her juices erupt in a series of hot bursts; a glorious white slick soaking the ground and the water in a puddle beneath.
She rides her high, mewls, grinds her sopping-wet cunt and ass against your cock, desperately trying to satisfy her carnal lust, her need for more, more, more.
And you realize you don't give a single fuck.
And when Yujin feels just how hard you are, the slight rocking motion she was making against you turns into a purposeful bucking, an urgent demand to fill the aching emptiness, the craving she feels; you want that, want the pressure, the throb.
"C'mon, fill me upâ" she taunts, wiggling her ass against your cock, lined against her aching core. "Justâoh fuckâ"
You do exactly thatâfill her to the brim with cock.
She's so incredibly tight, so hot, so inviting, so wet that it makes you groanâfuck, the sounds, the feelâher sopping, drenched, glistening, suffocating cunt feels so good wrapped tightly around your aching shaftâhow badly did you want this, Yujin, so bad that you couldn't even see it coming.
A wave of pleasure engulfs you, hitting her back and front in succession.
"Ahhh, yes. Thank youâholy shit, thank youâthat's so bigâ"
With you buried deep inside, she spreads wide open for you. A familiar warmth settles upon her body, enveloping her senses, her mind.
Gasping and groaning, Yujin leans inâmore, please, give me more, I need more, that's it, more, she utters like a prayerâyour hips snapping back and forth, causing the most divine sounds, so delicious and unique that they stick with you; you grunt with every thrust, pushing deeper, faster, with precision and intent. She's wet, slick, and ready, she was so tight before; the pressure's already building in you, so much more powerful.
"Gonna fill that tight pussy so good," you groan as you bury your face in her damp hair, between her neck. "Give it to me, Yujinâyour cunt is so fucking good. Squeeze my cock for more. Keep me hardâ"
"Oh fuck yes, I willâjustâwaitâoh yes, moreâput moreâ"
That's enough for her. Her walls clench and throb with such intensity.
Yujin leans forward, arching her back; her ass, bucking; and you see her cum. You kiss her neck and shoulders, trying to placate her, to lessen the stimulation. But sheâs far beyond the realm of her control; she cries out, overwhelmed, sobbing, writhing and wriggling uncontrollably as she can't get over the sensation, the feeling, how unbelievably good it feels and how she can't believe you'd give that.
All because of what you see in front of you.
Horny, fuck drunk, dazed and euphoric, drenched in sweat and juices.
What a fucking mess she's become.
With her body convulsing from the aftershocks, Yujin wraps a fist and squeezes the base, rubbing it with a little pressure, squeezing and releasing a couple of times. All you want is for her to cum againâto take everything that she has left.
Yujin opens her mouth to speak andâ
It doesn't make sense. Nothing does.
Her face is frozen, not quite registering, but at the same time understanding and catching the weight of the words. It takes her a moment, a short while, before she turns to look at you and finally whispers, her tone that is oh, so different from before, "Do whatever you want with me. Fill me the fuck up."
Her eyes darken, the pupils fully dilated. She stares. Unblinkingly.
This woman, a rising star in the field, is just horny, eager, ready to submit.
That's it. It has to be.
All your willpower to restrain yourself snaps, and you grab her body, driving your throbbing length straight in, burying to the hilt, bottoming out with an intense rush and a roar of reliefâGod, that feels so amazingâslamming, pumping, plunging it, once, twice, again and again, making up for the seconds it has been gone. You're caught in that momentâthat incredible, endless, intoxicating moment.
"Shit, Yujin, I'm cummingâ"
"So fucking fill me alreadyâ" she mumbles with a whining pitch, the back of her throat releasing the vibrations with an explicit humâI fucking want it.
You grab her head, snaking your hands under her arms, grasping at the sides, wrapping them behind her breasts and tugging her nipples to the brink, squeezing, mashing, caressing them; and you lose it, unleashing an ear-shattering growl into her neck, emptying your aching balls into her stretched, quivering cunt, shooting load after load, in violent, jerky bursts, stuffing her insides to capacity.
Soaking her cunt and inner walls, each thrust causing a new spurt to erupt from your leaking tip and flood herâoh, that's the feeling of it seeping out and dripping between her thighs, her slick soaking the surface. She can't hold back either; she falls apart too, your cock still plugging her well, filling her tight pussy. The erotic bliss in her voice, the sensation and intimacy; that's something that you'd both never forget, always looking back, forever fond of it, reliving the experience in the steamy air.
Withdrawing your cock from her cunt, still throbbing, shooting loose specks of cum, spreading it on her thighs and legs, you are spent, utterly depleted, like every last ounce of your stamina is gone. The ache in your muscles you thought melted in the water returns, twice as harsh as before.
You roll to the side, laid back in the water, breathing heavily. In her daze, Yujin crawls toward you, wanting to spend just one more moment, basking in the warm light of her cum drunk satisfaction. She nudges you with a face, as if to say, give me a little peck. One last gift before this session ends.
And you, like an utter fool, are only helpless but to oblige, brushing a small kiss on the back of her moist hairlineâ
It's a bit more, just a tad, nothing special. No less than that.
Thenâ
"My room. Ten minutes."
The command is clear, her tone leaving no room for argument. She's already limping past, still dripping, still slickâand not from the hot water.
"Don't bother dressing up."
âââââ
It happens a little too fast: couple of knocks on the door, then you're pulled into the room with Yujin's surprising show of strength, casually flexing her work ethic in the gymânext thing you know, you're on the bed, pushed with reckless intent, and she's already clambered on top of you, resting your lap, hands laying claim on your chest.
And just to see that, to understand, and acknowledge the hunger in her eyesâyou'd be lying if that didn't flip something, unleash something feral inside of you too.
She just can't get enough. One round was never enough.
"Gonna fucking ride you now," she says, leaning forward with a coy, sexy grin that steals your breath. Her hand finds your hard cock, lining it up against her wet lips. As she's straddling you, there's only one way to goâ
And when she drops all the way down, the pressure is immediate and stifling.
You're getting quite curious, wondering how her room is this big, a fancy five star suite equipped with a spacious master bath and an ornate four-poster king-size bed, as if she anticipated the nature of the meeting tonight andâ
Then the heat in your loins comes back, spreading now to your face and cock. There's something so arousing about the contrast between Yujin's bossy, straightforward demeanour, her forwardness, and that delicious feeling of being inside, squeezing every inch of her tight little pussy, enveloping you.
She starts to slam her hips harder and faster, bouncing on your shaftâyes, fuck, she wants that, moaning and grunting, panting and gaspingâunfiltered desire, an unquenchable lust. She just can't help it. Like a wild horse, she can't stay tamed for longâshe loves riding it. Her face flushes; fingers rake up your chest, digging into your collarbones, scratching your nipplesâthe way you just gave it up so easily, letting her take over controlâyou didn't even stop her from crawling overâgods, the feelâhow fast and rough she getsâfuck yes.
Yujin is fucking her own brains out on your cock. Her hands are so quick and smooth on your skin, her back arching, her eyes, piercing. It's amazing. She can feel your shaft penetrating her, plunging into her with each stroke, caressing the surface.
The sight alone would have anyone folding instantaneously, especially as Yujin has chosen to sit at an angle for maximum pleasure, exposing her aching, throbbing clit, her glistening hole. You reach out a hand to rub it, to give that extra, needed bit, and she stiffens, her walls, gripping tight.
There's only one word to describe it: pornographic.
An unbridled level of lasciviousness, the image of the idol using her junior, mounted on your cockânow that's something you'd love to replay in your head and dream about.
You just watch and drink it all in, reveling the show she puts on; you love this, can't help but stare in awe, her firm breasts swinging back and forth, swaying side-to-side, her body flexing, contracting. Your other hand brushes her chest, tugging and squeezing her breasts, pinching them and flicking the tips. And fucking she loves it, grinds harderâbreathes so heavy, her chest, heaving, glistening. She just won't stopâher pace is brutal. The relentless force of her tightness. She keeps fucking herself to orgasm, forcing your cock deeper. She cries outâ
Fuck, she can feel her peak building up again. There's something, oh fuck, fuck, she can't possiblyâshe thinks she's going to break, snap, fracture if she comes any faster.
"That's it, a little harderâmore, moreâgive me moreâ"
Her pussy slaps down hardâfuck, you're getting there, can't think, can't keep upâthe feel of your thick length stroking and spreading her so fucking perfectlyâher head falling back, her hair splaying in an arc. Yujin lifts off slightly, giving a pause, hovering just a hair's width away, before slamming right down. You squeeze her hips, grabbing her firm ass, feeling it quiver beneath your touch, encouraging her to go a little further, a little rougher, to release that built-up tension, before pushing her, directing her to pick up her rhythm and slide her soft body against yours.
"Such a nice cockâalways filling me deep insideâdon't stopâcome onâlet's make it countâkeep goingâoh fuckâthat's so bigâdon't stop, keep giving me your big fucking cockâ"
In the same moment, you and she just can't get enough, riding the pleasure, the bliss, reaching ever higher, driven mad, uncontrollably chasing the summit. Yujin rocks back and forth, your hand supporting the curve of her spine, your fingers leaving red welts across the soft expanse of her skinâyou can feel the power, the strengthâthe delicious, delectable bounce of her full, perfect titsâthere's nothing more tantalising than the feel of Yujin grinding and rocking against you.
Pushed deep into the mattress, your legs wrapped around her waist, she slams down once again and holds. Eyes locked on hers, you grunt with need, barely hanging on.
Yujin grabs your chin and angles your head, leaning forward and capturing your mouth. It's like she can't decide, torn between fucking herself raw and devouring your soul, exploring you with her mouth and tongue and teeth.
She's hungryâstarving, really. You can tell by the way she squeezes her eyes shutâby the intensity of her lust-filled expression, her flushed complexion, her body craving for more and more contact.
Moving her legs up, spreading wider, she shifts.
It's maddening.
"Fucking cummingâ"
Yujin kisses harder, deeper, tongue stroking with fervour, lapping against yoursâmoaning in your mouthâtongue swiping, exploring every crevice. Any form of reprieve from what's about to happen.
Her walls clamp, squeezing your cockâpulling tighter, contracting, milking your shaft; you thrust erratically, deeper and higher, no longer able to handle it, and thenâ
You shoot rope after rope after rope. Spurt after spurt of hot cum coating the inside of her tight pussy. Driven to ecstasy, she climaxes with you, gripping your cock even tighter and drawing your load deeper inside of her.
In that final, fleeting moment before you slip off, Yujin grabs you by the scruff, pulls back into a final kiss and bites hard. So deep that you'll remember the sting for days and feel her touch even when you wake. She pushes in, groans. Swallows your sound, holding your mouth and plunging your tongue, savouring the moment. Then a pause as her breath slowly returns.
Sucking it. All in the kiss. Lazy. Breathless.
Yujin flashes a sleepy smile, eyes glazed with lust and filled with happiness, content to collapse down on your body, having drained her share of your load.
"The bed's a mess," you grumble.
She snickers, lightly scratching your sides, her pussy clenched and still holding your now withered cock.
"Can't tell me you weren't expecting it."
A deep groan is the response you muster in the face of an upcoming headache. And despite the rising pressure, the fatigue starting to creep in, the slightest of movements, the rise and fall of her breaths and your steady heart beats, the throb, the warmthâthey begin to lull.
"We gotta set some rules, Yujin," you mutter, your hands lazily exploring her back. "I can'tânot like thisâ"
"Scared? That theyâll catch us?" She catches on right away, always a step ahead, already on the case. "Youâre still thinking this isn't my first time?"
You blink. You would've sworn otherwise, considering her tight cunt and constant hunger.
She shoots a wry, devious smirk. "Like I'd just let any random guy into my suite. I already knew I wanted you inside of me."
Her casual, shameless declaration elicits another low growl, a twitch in response to her teasing, and the sheer smugness of her tone, because yesâof course, it couldn't have been possible any other way; now it's impossible to go without having her.
The arrogant tilt to the side as if to say: gotcha.
"Look, it's gonna be so much fun. Just wait until the tour starts. Think of it like this: you can have me. Whenever I'm free. Any position. As many times as you want. Anywhere you please. The same is true for me with you. I can have you like thisâwhenever I fucking want."
"And what aboutâ"
"Let me make it clear: I'm not in love with you. I just love fucking you. Do you feel the same way?"