SWAGSTUCK

extensive worldbuilding re: mailbox flappy things

[swagstuck]

Hahaha, nice trY. NobodY wants to leaf this branch of the narrative.

[swagstuck]

Yeah fucking right!!!!

[swagstuck]

Anyway! Can we please just get on with it?

[swagstuck]

Elucidate.

See? Not such a hard concept.

You're a little surprised at how often this issue comes up. It's really not that difficult to grasp.

[swagstuck]

Introduce self.

With pleasure!

Your name is HANZEN VIRGAS, and you live in a TREE.

Not, like, in a tree top. You actually live inside of a tree.

What?

[swagstuck]

Be meddling tree girl.

[swagstuck]

AAAAND there we go.

You’re not getting to that grubbox any time soon. Might as well be someone else while you wait this out.

Let’s try that meddling tree girl, maybe.

[swagstuck]

View Sealed Object Transportation System Grubbox.

The red flippy flag thing is inverted! This excellent sealed object transportation service has extremely unambiguous red flippy flag thing signals. If the red flippy flag thing is pointing up, it implies that an important sealed object has arrived. If it is to the left, there are no objects. If it is to the right, objects have been delivered but they are no big deal, like maybe junk mail or bills or letters from douchebags. Inverted means that it’s important, but it’ll be a pain in the ass to retrieve.

You’re not sure how the Sealed Object Transportation System knows this, but it is eerily accurate.

[swagstuck]

You might as well introduce him. He's too big and slow to get rid of.

Hi, turtledad.

Your huge lusus is VERY HUNGRY, ALL THE TIME. You spend most of your night trying to keep him fed.

It’d be easier if he ate other trolls, or other lusii, or really ANYTHING else. It’s pretty hard to grow lettuce underwater.

[swagstuck]

You attempt to shoo your meddlesome lusus away from your window.

-- wretchedChelonian [WC] BEGAN TANTRUM--

DAD, GET OUT OF HERE

DAD OH MY GOD COME ON

FUCK

GET OOOOUUUUTTTTTTTTTT

well, that failed miserably

[swagstuck]

ATTEND TO FAMILIAL OBLIGATIONS.

Shit, here he comes. Just as huge and as hungry and as awful as ever.

[swagstuck]

cogentCenobite [CC] began trolling wretchedChelonian [WC] CC: nostin have You retreeved Your disc Yet? CC: i beleaf mine is coming in the Sealed Object Transportation SYstem today! CC: but i was hoping You had gotten Yours already. CC: we have a lot of work to do before we can start! WC: eh CC: eh? WC: eh CC: eh!!? WC: ill get around to it WC: kind of busy right now CC: nostin! CC: are You smooching Your posters again? WC: what no way WC: who even does that CC: i have it on good authoritY that You dew, mister! WC: oh really WC: gosh i wonder who WC: who could have possibly spilled the beetles WC: who do we know who is utterly unable to keep a single secret WC: could it possibly WC: just maybe WC: be WC: mm CC: unfortunatelY i am the proverbial miss zuipperlips on the issue! CC: and she can keep secrets! CC: if theY're not hilarious secrets about little wigglers kissing their posters! CC: anYwaY Your disc should have arrived bY now, i think. CC: will You go check? WC: maybe later CC: maYbe now! WC: i got some things to take care of WC: im a pretty busy dude WC: very in demand WC: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ CC: we both know that's a lie. CC: You are just a sapling, growing in the protection of some mightY oaks. CC: in this metaphor the oaks are MM and mYself! CC: if oaks were trees, which theY are not, except in stories for dumb wigglers who poop hard in their diapers. WC: fuck WC: ok look WC: my dads being kind of a dick right now and i got to go deal with him WC: but ill check later CC: Yes! thank You! CC: saY hi to Your dad for me! CC: he is such a cutie! WC: wow thanks it is super weird youre like in love with my dad but whatever ill talk to you later if youre not too busy fondling pirate porn or lichen or whatever WC: brb

[swagstuck]

ANSWER.

[swagstuck]

Hey Troll Katniss Everdeen, you really suck! You’re not all that good at shooting things! YOUR HAIR IS BAD AND-

Oh hey. Someone’s trolling you. Better go answer.

(<3< <3< <3<)

[swagstuck]

She’s just so AWFUL. Up on her high hoofbeast, lighting things on fire, acting like she’s so great and stuff. She’s no better than anyone else. Example: her pale infidelity with the rustblooded wiggler Rue, while her moirail Gale watched in horror. Example: her uncontrolled quadrant-flipping with Peeta. Example: her dumb butt, and how gross it is.

She’s just the worst.

<3< <3< <3<

(You sneak a quick smooch. SHH! No one must ever know.)

[swagstuck]

And THIS wretched creature is Troll Katniss Everdeen. Look at how nasty and awful she is. You’re not even sure why you keep this poster around.

Troll Katniss Everdeen is the protagonist of the popular Troll Hunger Games series of novels. The plot is loosely based on recent historical events, in which a spectrum of lowbloods were forced to fight to the death using only their wits, brute strength and variety of psychic powers. Also lots and lots of deadly weapons.

When Her Imperial Benevolence seized the throne, the Troll Hunger Games were banned, and now they’re a popular literary motif. Something about strength in the face of adversity, the wickedness of the old Empire, the sanctity of life, blah blah blah blah blah you think you’re going to puke.

[swagstuck]

Examine posters.

WITH PLEASURE.

This lovely lady is Troll Taylor Swift. The voice of an angel (if angels had nice voices, and weren’t hideous feathery heralds of the apocalypse) and the face of a really pretty girl. Gosh, do you like her! If only you had the courage to send her a letter. Maybe sometime during the summer.

She’s just the best.

<3 <3 <3

(You sneak a quick smooch. SHH! No one must ever know.)