Void Dweller ♇

☉♒︎•☽♌︎•Asc♏︎ Favorite things and personal reflections ☽ ◯ ☾ https://www.instagram.com/sweet__reverie/

[sweet-reverie]

Hi Chowder,

I’ve been thinking about you more lately. How’s it like where you’re at? Are you happy? Do you feel anything at all? I’d like to think there’s something after this life, in my mind you’re in a field of grass with the wind gently blowing. Maybe you’re with abuelito.

Life here is fine. I remember what the curandero told me about death and how we’re the ones suffering here on Earth. Here to feel everything good and bad. But those who have transitioned? They’re not preoccupied with the same responsibilities and worries we have. Not that you had many responsibilities as my pup or maybe you did. Maybe that’s why I felt so empty when you died. You were here for me. I hope I didn’t put a lot of pressure on you emotionally. You were the best pup I could have ever had. It’s going to be 4 years in December. You know I can still remember the night I found you dead so vividly. That’s its own trauma I guess. Can’t come out of this life completely unscathed. There’s more to come too.

But, it’s been good. Great even? I’m sure you’ve heard me cry about the things I thought would happen in my life by now, but I also know you’ve seen me spend so much time with people who love me. Sometimes when I’m out with my friends, dancing under the night sky I look up at the moon and think of you. I work hard to choose to be happy. I’ve accepted I’ll always live with sadness in my heart, but I also try and fill my days with joy. Much of my life feels like it’s flowing. I’m not exactly sure where I’m going, but I feel very protected. I’m thankful for that.

I love you very much. I always will. I wish you could have shared this part of my life with me. I was financially struggling student (I may have used FAFSA to help pay your bills), but I could have spoiled so much more now. I wish I could have shown you more. But if these are the regrets of my life, then I think I’m doing well so far.

In some way I know you’re in everything I see and feel. I ask myself if I’m just choosing to believe this to cope or if it’s real, but I guess it doesn’t matter. I just feel it so strongly.

For once in a long time, life doesn’t feel like it’s spinning out of control. All I want to do is savor what I have right now. But I’ll still think of you, especially on these quiet evenings.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re safe and warm. I hope you’re feeling healthy and happy. I hope you know I love you with my entire heart forever.

Please visit my dreams soon.

[saturnvs]

two headed calf and his mother

[sweet-reverie]

January came and went.

I’m feeling less and less like I’m running out of time.

Living in the present is difficult. I hear the future calling me in the distance, but I never understand what it’s trying to say.

And really I’ll never know.

The practice of being here and now is what I am trying to lean into and trust.

I don’t want to despair. I want to love.

[mayonezli]

[metamorphesque]

from Suicide Note, Anne Sexton

[enchantedbook]

'A gathering in the woods' by Mariachiara Di Giorgio.

[sollisblog]

🪦🥀🖤

[midwestemogirlfriend]

[sweet-reverie]

Little Girl is my outdoor cat of over a year. She’s very precious to me. I’m attempting to transition her into an indoor cat. Current philosophy is: ask for forgiveness, not for permission.

[booradleysgf]

i’m writhing on the floor

[sweet-reverie]

Lover, you're changing

Is there somebody

That you have been with?

It's been lonely

My body's anxious

I feel annoying

With all of my days spent

Away from you

[nocoffeeplease]

ROSALÍA - Berghain feat. Björk & Yves Tumor

[sweet-reverie]

There’s this melancholy inside me that I think will be part of me forever.

I can’t explain it, but all the ways of forcing myself to live life eventually culminates in this crash. Suddenly that voice deep inside starts asking “is this all there is?”

And there I go, being swallowed up by this existential wave.

In DBT there’s a whole bit about not getting attached to thoughts, about not placing judgement on your thoughts and letting them be. In ACT we say, just think of your thoughts like leaves on a stream. Watch them as they go by…

I’m better at preaching than practicing. Ironically, I turn to spiritual healers and not psychotherapy to process and do inner work.

My tarot reader recently said that I have this tendency to believe that everything is true for other people and I not me. I believe that people can be happy and have beautiful lives and accomplish all their dreams, but not me.

I fall into this self criticism that can really bring me down. Truthfully, it’s not as bad as years past. I don’t hate myself and I’m not wallowing in self loathing. I don’t feel like dying. I’m not carrying excessive guilt for not being a better person, for feeling I am being ungrateful for this life when all I do was feel sad and that I was taking up space. It was an awful place and I felt dead and made my way through the world like I was a ghost.

That’s not true now. And while I do believe I should have accomplished certain things by now, I can’t give hope that it’ll never happen. It’s progress, but also it’s another thing to work on.

It’s hard not to look at myself and think I can’t have certain things until xyz has been achieved. It’s hard to believe I’m worthy now and always have been. But it’s not as bad as it used to be.

So when I’m enjoying myself and having a good time, there’s that voice waiting to ask again, is this all there is? Is this what it means to live? And I feel this overwhelming urge to just cry. It’s like fear, happiness, and uncertainty just all decided to overwhelm me all at once.

So I think of the things my tarot reader told me: you are still young and You are a kind person.

It’s two things I don’t believe entirely.

But I know they’re true.

There is time and I’m not a bad person.

And when I can’t trust myself, I ask my heavenly grandparents for guidance and protection. I ask Chowder to show me the way. I ask all my ancestors to show me the ways I am the path I’m meant to be on.

And I’m still a little melancholic about it all.

I’m not sure if I’m doing life “right”, but I’d like to do better. It’s that piece about vulnerability and I’m working on it.

Sometimes I’m afraid my waves of sadness will scare people. In some ways it has as I remember how my grief and depression swallowed me whole. I learned only I can save myself and while I don’t resent my friends and family for not knowing what to do or say, I’m afraid of letting go of not being in control.

As a psychologist I’ve had more experience with depressed clients than the average person. Isolation. Rejection. Loneliness. People in their lives can only tolerate their agony for so long before helplessness drives them away.

In spite of their feelings, I remind them they are worthy of care and affection. They are worthy of good lives and feeling happy. And it’s starts with them.

So I will start with me too.

[theeungodlyhour]

Favorite Fall Television : CHILLING ADVENTURES OF SABRINA (2018-2020)

[greenribbon]

Do you remember the Disney-animated film The Hunchback of Notre Dame? It wasn’t a hit, but it was there. It’s just sort of what we got that year.

[whatyearisthis]

[omneco]