I donāt know if we will
ever see each other again
the first few years after
you left me I wanted to
triple knot hang your soul
in the darkest depths
of hell for eighteen
years
&
sew its eyes open for a spotlight
that would blind the sun
&
have my ghosts and demons
throw knives into every organ
and extremity
like theyāve done to me
every sand drop
since your heartās departure
Iāve recently grown to understand
that vindication is overrated
&
in your position I wouldāve made
the same decision
Iāve learned thereās nothing worse
than giving in to the mirror
because its implausible whispers
become the benchmark of reason
if I happen to see you in thirty years
I wish for the following
I wish I could forget the reason
you told me you couldnāt leave me
when you shouldāve
&
I wish you could forget all the
angry mood swings that took hold
of my tongue
I lost all your paintings in the many
moves since our first apartment
&
I hope you still find time to fill
your journals with nonsense
sunshine verses and your walls
with your
drawings,
paintings,
&
magazine collagings
I still have the tiny ceramic coffee cup
you made me that you hated
Iāve been looking but Iāve never tasted
coffee like the way you make it
I would sip it
&
trace the shadows we left
in each piece every morning
remembering the skeletons of words
I wrote while you erased lines
mixed hues, and scissor glued
Iāve fallen in love twice since you
one never treated me right
&
this one wants to
I hope he looks at you
in the same way our eyes connected
&
he makes you smile bigger
than I did before
dwarfing it
you cried every time I
bouqueted you because
you didnāt like to watch
beauty wither
&
sweetheart the sight
of your shaking voice
in these walls is something
I donāt like to watch every night
so I hope he makes you feel
beautiful with every painted petal
teach Ollie that life
is unexpected but worth it
and to not nihilistisize
itās hard to hope without the
blanket of something greater
I still shiver in the sunlight
so in three decades when we
wrinkle and become grey
if we meet I hope you forgive me
I know it wonāt fix anything
but at least I will be able to
decompose with a half-smile
titsay
snowghoul
jacobvanloon
vaporwave
areudirty
turnnoffyourmind
