isha

seventeen, confused, wild and caged

[sweetgirlisha]

your love; an etranal flame that shall bring my soul warmth forevermore.

[sweetgirlisha]

this hollowness- will it ever leave? will it ever cease? will i look for the sun every night and wipe my tears when i find it missing?

[sweetgirlisha]

my soul is rotting, the soil is shaking and my skin is weary. i have become a ghost of the past haunting a decaying body. i have been living a lifeless life that stretches into the an endless void, leaving nothing but decay and a suffocating mist behind.

[sweetgirlisha]

life is a mist covered field. a war with no soldiers. a word spoken into the abyss. i cry out into the light yet get no response. does god hear me? was he ever there at all?

[sweetgirlisha]

from my ashes i shall rise. the blood tainting my hands i shall keep. as a reminder- that all i was before i still am. that all i am now, i never was.

[sweetgirlisha]

All flesh rots, all souls fade, no man stays,

[sweetgirlisha]

oh, what i would do for you, my delicate petal. the horrors and wars i shall begin in your name. to win your heart. to get you to glance back. to get you to glance at all.

a constelation, your eyes. an eternal flame, your lips. a gentle lullaby, your voice. a melody that shall lure me into the depth of your soul to find the tender love my soul has been searching for my entire life.

it is you that is my damnation. it is of you that i shall make my salvation.

[sweetgirlisha]

from grace i must fall. my bloody hands i must learn to love. trembling, if i must, but i shall.

[sweetgirlisha]

so ready for fall.

[sweetgirlisha]

As a little girl I used to believe that sixteen year old girls were so cool, that they had such cool friendships and a fun, diverse friendgroup and boyfriends and they were allowed to do everything and beyond.

Today, being sixteen myself, I find myself feeling like cool is the last word I would use to describe us, myself. I have an ed, I find myself comparing my body and looks and grades and everything with everyone around me, I catch them doing the same, and we might not say it straight up, because God forbid anyone be vulnerable and real for one minute, but we do let it slip in one way or another. You have done it too, I am sure.

Friendships are as strong as they last, which is not long. Friend groups bring nothing but unnecessary and permanent drama for temporary pleasure, and do not get me started on having boyfriends at a young age. And now that I am allowed to do everything and beyond, I find myself talking to older men, putting myself in danger each passing day by arriving home after dark. By meeting strangers online. By drinking myself mad and spinning in my kitchen as I sing along to ethel cain.

Being sixteen is no different than being six. Living in a delusion and playing pretend, won’t change the fact that you are still that six year old, looking up at the twenty six year old, wishing you were as cool as them. That you had a husband like them. That you had a diamond ring on your finger like them.

Maybe that’s the beauty of it all.

5 februrary 2025 || 1:25 a.m.

[sweetgirlisha]

if i turn out to be as awkward as I am now, at seventeen, when I grow up, I am not leaving my house, or, knowing myself, my apartment.

I always deluded myself into believing that I am extroverted, that I am social, when I am not, and I know it too.

All my life people have shoved the word "You’re so extroverted/social" down my throat, all the while distancing themselves from me or forcing me to be laugh/talk with strangers/etc., when i was not. That somewhat influenced the way I think know. Despite being extremely awkward and unsettling to talk to I have completely deluded myself into believing that I am, and always will be extroverted and social and all the above.

[sweetgirlisha]

can someone PLEASE tell me if this is how male friends speak to their female ones. he likes my EVERY story, even the stupid ones. he keeps staring at me when im not looking, he asks to hang out and compliments me a lot, but then takes 12h+ to reply between EACH text. when i asked him abt him, he said "he reads a text then forgets to reply, but that he’s like that with everyone." miss me with that bs. pls someone tell me i’m not crazy and that he’s just messing with me! or maybe he just sees me as a friend, i wouldn’t blame him i’ve told him straight up that we’re friends on multiple occasions but still.

[sweetgirlisha]

if i had the opportunity to choose in which series or movie i could live in for the rest of my life, it would be the 1 season of pretty little liars. i swear, everything was perfect, the aesthetic as much as the characters and the outfits, and don’t even get me started on the soundtrack. everything was just how it was supposed be.

[sweetgirlisha]

[sweetgirlisha]

i don’t know if i am feeling like this because i just got my period, but, for days now, this deep hatred for everyone around me is starting to grow, like a black hole in my chest that keeps expanding and swallowing everyone and everything around me, turning them to this disgusting version of themselves in my head. these past days the only thing that has been bringing me comfort and some sort of relief is my books, and music.

i want to read for eternity and listen to music until my ears bleed, until i turn deaf and the echoes of the melodies are the only sound i can hear, remember.

i want to shrink into a corner, slip into the shadow and become one, whenever someone speaks to me. i want to be ignored. i want to disappear into stardust. i don’t want to be remembered. i don’t want to be anything at all actually.

i don’t know, maybe, i am feeling this way because i dislike myself. maybe i don’t believe anyone could love me. maybe, i am just sixteen. who knows.

[sweetgirlisha]

i am drunk and one of your girls by troye sivan is playing and all i want, all i am thinking about is what it would feel like to have his cold hands on me. i don’t know why. i think i should text him now.

[sweetgirlisha]

love doesn’t discriminate, between the sinners and the saints. it takes and it takes and it takes. and we keep loving anyway. we laugh and we cry and we break and we make our mistakes.