💗 what dear john means to me. - beth m 💗
'the girl in the dress wrote you a song'
the song dear john means everything to me. i genuinely don't think there will ever be enough words for me to fully express how deep this song runs in my veins. when i first heard it, i was 10 years old, just becoming a fan of taylor, i loved it and loved the lyrics and how raw it was, but i never truly understood it or had a connection to it.
'don't you think i was too young?'
the most i had related to a taylor song at that time in my life was teardrops on my guitar and the outside. that changed when 13 year old me was manipulated and groomed by a 21 year old pedophile on twitter. he presented himself as a taylor fan who just wanted to talk to me. i was naive and young, even though i thought i knew what a predator was, i was wrong. he manipulated me, made me tell him things that i thought were wrong, and he blamed me when i had second thoughts about our 'relationship'. when it ended, when my friends on twitter told me that he was manipulating other young girls, i broke. it sent me spiralling into a depression i never really recovered from. that year (2015) in itself was not a good year.
'but i took your matches before fire could catch me, so don't look now'
but then, as i was listening to taylor's discography as usual, i listened to dear john and i sobbed. it was like my heart was splayed open and taylor knew exactly what i felt, she knew exactly the kind of back and forth that you went though when this kind of abuse hits you. it's my fault. no it wasn't. yes it was. no it wasn't. she knew the deep sadness that hit when you realise you've been trapped in something you thought was real. i felt heard and seen and that my experience was validated and my feelings were validated.
i had been in therapy, trying to help my feelings of depression and anxiety, which was partially caused by this toxic relationship that i had in my life, and the feelings i felt during the bridge of dear john? unparalleled. i felt so much, every emotion pummelled my heart and mind and soul, but mostly i felt and saw myself on the path of healing. i saw myself 'shining', i saw myself placing the blame on him, instead of my 13 year old self. i began accepting my feelings and emotions as my truth, and that nothing and no one else could ever tell me my trauma wasn't valid.
'i see it all now that you're gone'
since then, since i connected to dear john so spiritually, it has become my favourite taylor song, for both personal and superficial reasons. even though i do connect to it like nothing else i've ever experienced, i also just really love how it sounds and how taylor sings it. dear john has become a symbol of my independence and strength, that i hadn't even known was there. i sometimes play it when i'm just sitting in silence, just so i can absorb it. i've never heard it live but i put on the speak now tour dvd so much, just to hear dear john performed live in that blue dress with those fireworks. most of my taylor friends associate it with me and that makes me happy. the song reminds me that even though the same predator who manipulated me is still around on tumblr and instagram as a taylor account with a huge following and taylor notices, i can still look to taylor to help me through and to guide me and to help heal me through this song. because finally, it seems, 'i'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town'. thank you @taylorswift, i love you.