don't fear

[switchjasper]

kylapawter‌:

“It’s okay, just go back to bed. I’ll take care of it.” She quickly shooed him back towards the bedroom before she cleaned up the mess. Once that was done, Kyla, kicked off her ripped tights, did her best to scrub away the remains of her makeup before curling up in bed next to her friend. “I’m here. I’m looking at them, and I’m not going anywhere.” She reached out to take his hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. “You said you weren’t gonna throw me off. Means I’m not gonna do that to you either, okay?” 

Taking a breath as the conversation turned back to her, Kyla sighed and curled inward a little tighter. “Just didn’t feel safe where I was so… sorry if I woke you up.”

The squeeze helped, as did Kyla being near. And he scooted closer and pulled her to him as best he could with one lame arm. “ Thank you.” Was murmured, again, but this time into her hair. He pressed a kiss there, and closed his eyes. “You’re always safe here, okay? And you, uh.. obviously didn’t wake me up.” He paused and squeezed her close, an easy reciprocation to the hand squeeze she’d given him. “Just-- Let’s get some rest okay? And we’ll figure the rest out in the morning..” 

[switchjasper]

kylapawter‌:

Kyla stayed quiet as Jasper tried to catch his breath. She didn’t move away, and only brushed the hair out of his eyes. “We’ll figure it out,” she reassured him again, though she honestly wasn’t sure where to start. Jasper was right in saying that there was no way to hide them, and she was pretty sure that every comic book movie she has ever watched taught her that trying to hide them wasn’t the move either. “Why are you always the one who what?” Kyla was pretty sure she knew what he meant, but at least it would keep him talking. It was a feeling that she was pretty sure all Switches were familiar with. “You’re not. You’re not alone, you’re not the only one. We’re gonna get through this.”

He was too tired to protest, sitting lamely in his bathroom floor. “We-- I don’t know.” It was all he could muster on the subject. And he was exhausted. After a few minutes of just letting Kyla brush at his head, he was starting to feel a bit centered-- yet that metaphorical ache was back in the physical pain’s place. On shaky legs, he rinsed his mouth out with water and mouthwash, too out of it to try and actually brush for the moment. “I’ll.. uh-- I think I can.. I can get the stuff to clean it.. can you help?” Anything but talking about the actual elephant in the room. He didn’t want to be the subject of pity or attention. 

After a bit, the mess was clean and he was laying on his stomach in bed, facing Kyla. It was easier, since he could hide his face. But his body felt weak from the wracking pain and sickness. “I just.. I don’t see how someone could look at me, see that, and still decide to be friends with me.. or -- love me. I guess.” He murmured, face half-hidden by his pillow. “What did you come over for, Ky?” 

[switchjasper]

kylapawter‌:

Kyla couldn’t stop him before Jasper was up and heading to the bathroom. Even if she could, it wasn’t her right. This was his body and… Her heart cracked as she heard his anguished sobs. Whether it was from the pain or the shock, she didn’t know, but Kyla crept forward and stepped around him to wet a rag with cool water. Avoiding the mess he made, she began to sponge off his forehead. “Hey, I’m here,” she whispered, pressing a soft kiss to his brow. “I’m right here, I’m going to help you through this. You’re not alone.”

It took him a moment to calm down, and though he was still in pain, it was more bearable. Like it had been before-- Instead of trying to get up and move again, he just collapsed against the wall, looking up at Kyla, exhausted with red-rimmed eyes. Why was it always him? Would Daya even try now? More tears started to pool in his eyes and he wiped them away quickly. “Thank you.” Kyla was so good to him, even after seeing them, but did they gross her out? “I can’t-- I.. I don’t know what to do. I can’t-- I can’t hide this. They’re so.. they’re so ugly.” His voice cracked on the last word. “Please, just.. Why am I always the one?” 

[switchjasper]

kylapawter‌:

She helped him remove his shirt and she couldn’t stop the gasp that slipped from her lips as the wings unfurled from his back. It was undeniable what they were, but they weren’t the sleek kind of wings that people thought of. “Huh?” Her brain took a second to understand what Jasper was asking, and truthfully, Kyla had no idea what to say. “Um.. they’re… Jas, you have w-wings.” 

The words sounded ridiculous even as she said them aloud but Kyla had no other words to describe what she saw in front of her. “Did you.. did you take V? Is this,.. like what they were tellin’ us about?”

He blinked. In shock. “No. I didn’t-- I..” And moved from the bedroom, immediately to the bathroom, despite the shocks of pain he was still in. Looking in the mirror, he stumbled backwards for a moment, hit his back against the door and cried out in pain. Then emptied the contents of his stomach on the floor. Once again. On all fours, sweat still roiling off of him, he felt the tears coming now. How the fuck? They were so-- Grotesque. His stomach turned again and he swallowed down the urge, and instead the tears fell. 

Backing up to his knees, he pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, a wrenched sob tearing itself out of his chest. They matched him. That was the point of the mutation, wasn’t it? It was supposed to match the person. Daya felt everything too much so she was cursed with--- And now he was. More wrenched, broken sobs. Ugly, broken things. Just like him.

[switchjasper]

kylapawter‌:

Kyla brushed off his insistence to ask about her, and she made a worried sound as he pitched forward in obvious pain. She leaned so she could look and froze as she saw the bumps and ridges under the fabric. “Hey, I’m gonna help take off your shirt, okay? Let’s get to your bed, I’ll help you get your shirt off and onto your stomach.” Kyla attempted to keep her voice under control, soothing and calm so as not to frighten Jasper from whatever was hurting him. “How long has this been happening?”

All he could do was nod. They’d agreed no funny business a couple of nights ago, and Jasper knew she wouldn’t be the type to be weird about it while he was in such obvious pain. He stood, on wobbly knees, and made his way to the bedroom, making a silent note to himself to thank Emily for insisting on a bedroom instead of a studio. In the room, there was a slight struggle to get his shirt off, even with Kyla’s help. “Uh, my back’s been hurting for about a week?” But the cool air on his skin helped immensely, and there was a relief to it. Like being set free. And it was just then that he could feel something different. Something.. he could move. 

Revealed to Kyla were two medium size wings, looking like they hadn’t quite finished growing but also looking malformed. One was smaller than the other, the membrane between two of the small bones tattered like it had been ripped. The other wasn’t much better, but they were darker in skin tone to the rest of his body. “Wh-- what’s that? 

[switchjasper]

kylapawter‌:

Kyla opened her mouth to apologize as soon as Jasper opened the door, but she stopped herself when she saw the pained look on his face. This was different from the thousand yard stare and Sadness that she was accustomed to. This was actual physical pain, and some instinct in her gut yanked at her. With a frown, she gently nudged him back into the apartment. “Yeah, I’m fine. What’s going on with you?” she said softly. 

Her hand came away soaked in sweat and Kyla wondered if this was something serious, whether she should call an ambulance. Would they even come? Were things that different yet? She made him sit, cupping his face and pulling his head up to look at him. “Jasper? Tell me what hurts.”

Jasper was pushed back to the couch, even despite his protests and pulling away from her to prevent her hand feeling how gross he felt. But he couldn’t quite think, much less speak to push. But he would later. “I-- I’ll ask you again.. later, so we can talk about it. O-okay?” He stuttered his way through it, but slumped back against the couch-- A mistake. He hissed and lurched forward. 

As much as he didn’t want to burden her with whatever was going on, he couldn’t hide the amount of immense pain he was in. “It’s my b-back.” Curling in on himself and leaning forward, his back was in full view, though his shirt was drenched with sweat and clinging to him oddly. Rather than the usual smoothness, there was a new texture underneath. 

[switchjasper]

kylapawter‌:

@switchjasper

Kyla shivered as she waited on the stoop of Jasper’s apartment building. She felt bad for waking him up this late at night, but she had nowhere else to go. No, that was a lie. There were always benches, bus stops, other places she could tuck into. There was the dingy studio apartment she had just left, with the man who took her home still snoring loudly. Her makeup was smudged, her tights torn, and Kyla knew what she looked like. It was still early enough that there were people out on the streets, but also plenty of people heading home. A drunk couple let her past the front door, and she quickly climbed the stairs to the familiar unit. Rubbing her hands together, she knocked on the door and stepped back, a sheepish look already on her face.

He hadn’t been sleeping. Instead, curled up on his bathroom floor, sweating and fighting off the pain in his back by chewing ibuprofen. It hadn’t helped, and only served to make him vomit up the contents of the medication and his dinner that night. Something felt like it was ripping in his back, but he couldn’t see or feel anything back there. Other than the excruciating pain.

Then the knock came on the door. Glancing to his phone on the floor and wondering why whoever it was didn’t text first, he took his time in getting there-- holding his torso and leaning against the doorframe to pull it open to see Kyla. It was a look not unfamiliar to him and his lips parted in surprise, despite the pain wracking his body. “K-kyla? Are y-you.. are you ok-.. okay?” 

[switchjasper]

text - jasper/kyla

Kyla: thats the thing. it doesn't feel weird. and i don't remember the last time that happened to me

Kyla: freaks me out bc it means i have something to lose

Jasper: You won't ever lose me. I promise.

[switchjasper]

text - jasper/kyla

[ left him on read bc that's a lot of Emotion ]

Kyla: hey sorry for like, not getting back to you yesterday

Kyla: i mean you get it, right? bein a switch and no one wants you so you just kinda bounce around until you find a hole that kinda fits

Kyla: but it's never the perfect fit so you end up falling or slipping out and you're just back to bein alone again

Jasper: It's fine.

Jasper: I do get it. And it's okay if you don't want to or would feel weird.

[switchjasper]

text - jasper/kyla

Kyla: well for now, drinks and hangovers to help chase it all away

Kyla: y'aint gonna lose me, jasper. im like one of those parasites. you gotta forcibly throw me off if you want me to leave

Kyla: cry away my guy. i hear my shoulders are bony but they work for crying on

[ ... ]

Kyla: youre a good guy, jas. um maybe. idk i havent stopped moving in like ten years. weird to be in one spot, you know?

[...]

Jasper: Thanks for last night. You're a great friend, you know. And I'm not going to forcibly throw you off. I like having you around.

Jasper: It's up to you. But I know how hard it can get.

[switchjasper]

text - jasper/kyla

Kyla: im really sorry buddy

Kyla: ye first round is on me. whatever you need

Kyla: i get it. and i appreciate you tellin me instead of getting all weird about it, you know?

Kyla: we're still friends. and we can still hug and cuddle and do all that if you still want to. just no orgasms. nbd

Jasper: I'll be okay. Eventually, I guess.

Jasper: Thanks, and.. of course, yeah. I.. don't want to lose what little I do have, ever. And you and Malia are important to me.

Jasper: Just no orgasms, yeah. Cuddling, though, that's a must. And I'm sorry in advance if I cry all over you. And, uhm, you're still welcome at my apartment any time. Literally, you can move in.

[switchjasper]

text - jasper/kyla

Kyla: :(((

Kyla: do you wanna talk about it tonight or do you wanna forget for tonight?

Kyla: yeah, course. normally i dont really keep in touch but you're actually a friend

Kyla: you wanna stop sleepin together?

Jasper: Yeah, I'm.. not really okay right now.

Jasper: I kind of want to talk about it. So I won't get shit faced or anything, but.. need the liquid courage, you know?

Jasper: I.. think so? I'm not really sure what I'm doing or anything, but.

Jasper: It helped for a little bit, and it was fun, but now I just feel.. bad. And I don't want that to become a coping thing, you know? I just want a friend.

Jasper: And a hug, probably.

[switchjasper]

text - jasper/kyla

Kyla: yikeys that bad?

Kyla: uhhh yeah i can meet you at opal in 20?

Jasper: Bad, yeah. We kind of yelled at each other?

Jasper: But there was some good, too.

Jasper: I.. don't know if I'm doing the right thing anymore, but yeah. Opal.

[...]

Jasper: If we stop sleeping together, we're still going to be friends, right?

[switchjasper]

text - jasper/kyla

Jasper: Hey, uh.

Jasper: I talked to Daya about what you said.

Jasper: Do you want to go get a drink?

[dayaray]

private

[switchjasper]

dayaray‌:

I.. Okay. You can come whenever you want. Or if you want them to come here. Or.. take them out. Whatever you want to do. I never.. that’s not what I wanted. But I understand. I’ll um.. I’ll talk to you later. I guess.

Alright.. alright. I’ll talk to you later, yeah. And, Daya? I love you. Okay. Just-- don’t forget that no matter how much you hate yourself. I can’t fix it, I can’t make that go away. But sometimes it helps knowing.

[dayaray]

private

[switchjasper]

dayaray‌:

[The dam broke in that moment, and several tears dripped down her chin. Hearing Jasper say those things, the conviction in his voice, it made her want to fall to her knees. She wanted so badly to believe him, but she couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t change his mind later. When he found out who Daya really was. But he did know who she was. He was the only person who really did. Her breath exhaled as he wrapped her into a full body hug, and it took her a moment to remember how to breathe. She pulled her battered walls back into place after a moment, the emotions subsiding enough that she could just appreciate the warmth of the hug.] If you don’t want to feel things, I think I’m the last person you should be in touch with. [Her tone was mostly wry and sarcastic, but she gave a half-smile to soften the blow. But her breathing evened out more though she instantly missed his solidness as he moved away.] Okay. I.. I understand. I’ll.. what do we do? Until then? I mean… does this mean we can’t see each other anymore?

I.. don’t know, Daya. I just.. I’ll still come visit the kids and give them books and things, but we can’t just act like nothing happened anymore. It’s not good. Whatever you want to do. I’m just going to keep going to work and try to stitch together my heart.

[dayaray]

private

[switchjasper]

dayaray‌:

I said it was awkward. And I said it hurts. No, I don’t believe you because I don’t believe how anyone can love me. I don’t know how anyone can look at me and not see some dirty, used up thing that probably should be shot to be put out of her misery. And maybe that’s my fatal flaw. Maybe that’s just what is dooming me to fail everything. I don’t think I’m worthy of being loved and I don’t know how to change that. I believe you love me. I have felt it. And you’ve felt mine. So I don’t know how to make it any more obvious to you. 

I don’t know what to do. And this isn’t me asking you to tell me what to do. It’s just me telling you that I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it, or if I even deserve to. I can’t promise that I’m not scared or that I won’t freak out again. But what I hate the most is you feel like you have to choose between a broken girl and nothing at all.

You don’t have to know, is the thing. You don’t. You’re not dirty, you’re not used up. And you’re certainly not an object to be used-- I don’t care about what you did before or even if you have to do it in the future. I don’t care. And it’s literally because I love you that I don’t. 

Just-- [He takes a deep sigh, lets out the slow exhale, and runs his good hand through his shaggy hair. He’s tired, he doesn’t want to strain his voice and he’s on the verge of tears, voice wavering throughout this entire thing. But he still takes a step forward and pulls her into a crushing hug, not caring about the overwhelming emotions that’ll flood through her and back to him. He just needs a damn hug. And knows she does, too.] I don’t know what to do either, I just know I don’t want to feel.. all of this anymore. Whatever you want to do, when you figure it out, just do it. I just.. can’t promise that I’ll go back to you immediately. I.. I can’t. There’s too much distance. [Then he steps back, the hug quick and not at all long enough, but he shoves his good hand back into his pocket, the casted arm just hanging lamely by his side.]