Camouflaged

"Worrying means you suffer twice."

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

say it with me—

“someday i’m going to have the life i’ve always dreamed of and i won’t let self doubt stop me”

[gosh]

via weheartit

[hardgasm]

[lenmanas-deactivated20141025]

[fate]

via weheartit

[sycraft]

I’m starting to fall in love..

I forgot what this feeling felt like but I feel a sense of power and comfort. This love specifically is all about falling in love with myself. It’s about finally and unpausing to feel free..to feel alone enough to just see myself. Learning what I love and learning how to grow and I feel like crying because it feels so pure, so different, so new. I feel free...I started screaming at my negative thoughts and pushed myself to see what I love. It’s really helping so far and I’m learning about what makes me love in the first place. My body does this thing when every time I feel nervous or scared, I start shaking and my hands specifically get really cold. I started embracing my love for photography and it’s one of the most beautiful things on this planet, seeing everything through a different point of view and capturing a second out of minutes, hours, days, centuries...it’s powerful and I’m totally in love. There are other things that I’m starting to notice as well that I know will grow over time. Another important thing.. I can finally start looking myself in the mirror again and not want to look away or avoid (as much) the person looking back at me. I want this feeling to continue and I have to keep reminding myself that before I can give again, I have to love and nurture myself to where I can finally say no to things coming my way...my awards, the happiness, my accomplishments do matter. It’s time. I have picked up the things i thought wasn’t available anymore. Things reappeared from a corner and fuck

I

FEEL

FREE.

[sycraft]

Touch

I want to touch you like it’s more important than breathing..i want to know what your scent is....i want to lose myself in you and forget about my impulsive thoughts for just one second. A need to know what it is..

[sycraft]

It’s funny how I can only write and feel more creative when I’m in class so here’s a short story sample..

“You have to jump!”

He looked at her with complete fear written on his face and looked behind him as he saw the rushing water approaching closer and closer.

He jumped and hoped he made it in time and not fall to his unlikely death. He slipped and started falling to the freezing water and then he felt a hand on his chest who tried to pull him forward but unfortunately, the shirt ripped and he disappeared below..

[phaxes]

via weheartit

[im-dead-inside11]

[adrenaline]

[coral]

[coral]

It’s so strange how life works: You want something and you wait and wait and feel like it’s taking forever to come. Then it happens and it’s over and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed.

Lauren Oliver, Delirium (via

coral)

[coral]

I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.

(via flame)

[prospects]

[sycraft]

word. something. blah blah. 1, 2, 3. fist up, fist down. internal tears welled up inside. keep.them.inside. hidden. away from the eye, the light, the attention and not.make.a.sound. stomach twists and tries to settle. leg aches..pain in places that i forgot were there..that i chose to forget. why? all those years, all those experiences. repressed. unavailable at the moment..try again later.

sometimes i want to go back to those places....to remember. to get another re-do but won’t it be too hard? too many triggers and i’ll start spiraling down to those dark years where i was numb. away. on “vacation”. where i had too many nights crying myself to sleep and escaping to the bathroom to wipe my nose and after walking from the sink to the towel to dry off..i was lost in the soft touch and i slowly hugged it. embraced it and let my tears flow once more always hoping i would get a hug in return. always waiting for the gentle touch and assuring me it would be okay, that it would pass...i clutched harder as i hiccuped hoping no one heard me. had too many of those moments. things happened during the day and at night, it was quiet. quiet until it all erupted and things escaped, things were taken. i remember hearing, feeling somewhere someone..something was laughing as i laid there trapped. during those times i did not sleep alone of course cuz of our living conditions, and i tried desperately to reach for a touch. something real and breathing with blood flowing just underneath my finger tips. i held for as long as i could but not hard enough to wake them up and it helped. at times..

still happens today of course, but not as much as it DID back then. i’ve reached out for help, for dealing, for fixing, for trying somehow. i overcame. i fell. i tried again. i kept falling and falling until there was no more. then i repressed. i brought small parts out to rummage through the mess and put what where, where it needed to be. where i thought it would be okay and stay so ever still. i panicked and fell right back in, again. i heard the laugh once more and saw its big grin. i felt it through my panic attacks, my tears and frustration, flowing through my fingertips when i could not keep my hands still. i recall feeling tingly sensations everywhere every time i rubbed or whatever i did with my hands when i was breathing unsteady and shaking and crying and feeling s much anger. feeling frustrated because i could not speak nor explain what was going on. i remember being in these moments and getting yelled at. getting thrown words like “crazy”, “you’re sick”, “you need help” and them trying to hold me still. the look in their eyes..they didn’t get it from my past POV. there was so much going on back then now that i think about it. i know IT is still in there somewhere..waiting. always waiting. i’m trying though. SHE needs me. THEY need me and honestly I need me too. i have plans to fulfill. i have goals that i need to reach for HER. the girl in pain and God help me if i let her suffer like that again..

anyway this helps. dealing with so much i repressed. everything that was left behind and now i have to pull it out and deal with it to become better. after all, self care is important right? to let go, to forgive, to heal, to GROW.

maybe there are people who read this and if there are, fewer people get to this point but if they do get to this point, thank you and i’m sorry you had to read that...

-XX

[sycraft]

it happens every time. Every. single. time. 

when i have an idea of what to write or say, it disappears the second i get paper or get my fingers working.. the second i try to capture it. Maybe it’s my fault i’m like this. maybe i just lost the “touch”

but i really can’t stand it because if it’s gone then that was the last part of me that i held so dear that actually helped when the curtains closed on me. if i could play back every moment i took it for granted..every time i thought “it’ll come back to me, it’ll always be there waiting... already going with the wheels in motion” but fuck was i wrong. what a fool i made myself when i can barely do anything for myself these days..

anyway..this is another countless effort for me trying to back up on it especially when i’m struggling so much lately. struggling to a point where IT has sat it’s poisoned ass down on the couch and made ITself feel at home and we’re staring at each other not. saying. a. word. so this is my attempt to idk accept it? chase it away? ignore it? i dont know but its worth the effort, right?

right now it’s just another night. tomorrow is my birthday so maybe i should be happy? im irritated. hungry. weak..depressed. it’s another day and yes i’ve had a few special magical ones and a lot of bad ones. more bad than good in my opinion where i always ended the day in tears. i’ll try to make it worthwhile though. it’s a privilege in its own way i guess. the fact that i’m still here..still have the option to make it good? to get through the day somehow. im complicated....and i need help.