rat | 𓄒

it/its | adult | autistic & nonhuman | aroace no tws. 18+ recommended. follow at your own risk. https://lefthandoflight.com/

[sylveons-emo-phase]

Pinned, I Guess

I'm Rat. This blog is mostly aroace stuff, with secondary focus on transness, broader queer topics, and autism/general neurodiversity. My pronouns are strictly it/its. I do not discuss my gender identity, assigned sex, physical characteristics, or transition beyond what is relevant to individual posts. I am a calico cat therian and prefer not to be regarded as human. I am a gay-oriented aroace and experience only exceedingly rare romantic attraction. I am in a long-term monoamorous romantic relationship with an allo partner; I will not go into detail about it, but that is the context I am speaking from. I care very much about deconstructing allonormativity, amatonormativity, and compulsory sexuality. I am sex-indifferent, with occasional fluctuations, and the defense of the nonsexual is important to me. I am not sex-positive. I believe very strongly in sex neutrality- that sex is an action which holds no inherent moral weight. I feel similarly about kink and generally consider both worthy of careful consideration rather than blind positivity. I engage by assuming good faith until proven otherwise. I will answer questions and explain things as long as I am met with courtesy and civility. I also block quite liberally - not necessarily always for personal reasons, but simply to curate my online space for the sake of my own sanity. I do not use content warnings beyond tagging. I do my best to tag appropriately, and am always open to suggestions if there are tags that ought be added to a post; I may not always agree, but in general I appreciate feedback. That's all for now; thanks for stopping by!

[sylveons-emo-phase]

Something I notice as a trans man is that many cis women tend to define themselves and their womanhood by their suffering, and as such, are extremely prone to gatekeeping things that they view as "female" experiences. This is frustrating, because many trans men share the same kinds of struggles - but we tend to be met with either a denial of our experiences, or a denial of our identity. We must either remain silent about our experiences or accept a female role. (Otherwise we will usually be accused of somehow "invalidating" or "minimizing" the experiences of cis women.)

[scribefindegil]

I was in a long-term relationship that fell apart partially because I was ace and my partner was very much not, and every time we looked for relationship help we got told that I was the problem. Not just that a significant mismatch in sexual desire could be a problem in a relationship, but that it was My Fault, Specifically, for not being willing to suck it up and have a bunch of sex I didn't want. To my ex's credit, he cared about consent much more than any of the professionals we talked to and refused to pressure me even when my (lesbian, billed as progressive and pro-LGBT) therapist was actively telling him to.

But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!

Sometimes breaking up is necessary, and that's what ended up happening with us because there were other reasons we worked better as friends, but there *should* be better frameworks for discussing what people want and need that don't automatically assume that one partner's feelings are automatically more important or valuable than the other's.

[geese-in-flight]

I was dating someone who wanted to be accommodating and work with me to figure things out but lacked the EQ to do so in any effective way. It was my first relationship and I was still figuring out what being ace meant for me. It’s been eight or nine years, but I still remember very clearly the moment I realized we’d been approaching the entire discussion as if my orientation was the problem to be solved, and that it would be equally as valid to say that hers was.

She was significantly less impressed with this revelation than I was, but I tried to hold on to it ever since (although obviously the real problem wasn’t either one of us, but the mismatch and the lack of tools to deal with it). I think it’s super important to remember that we aren’t the ones in the wrong while our theoretical partners are the ones in the right. I was surprised by how much I’d internalized the assumption and I don’t think I’m the only one.

[ineffectualdemon]

The other frustrating aspect of this is allo relationships will often have periods of time where libido does not match (I'm not derailing and this will swing back to asexual people)

Just after giving birth, during a family crisis, during a mental health episode, during health problems, during stressful periods at work

There are a lot of times when one person is horned up and raring to go and the other has no interest

And the solution often presented is that the person who is going through something should just put out because they are the problem instead of like...finding ways to engage in non sexual intimacy to reaffirm closeness

An asexual person is going to get 10x the amount of pressure and blame put on them and no advice on how non-sexual intimacy can help their relationships and if they get that at all it will only be to sell it as a bridge to sex they don't want.

I really hate the selling of intimacy as only equaling or facilitating sex. Intimacy comes in many forms and should be explored more by every couple as a non sexual act. And it the given importance it deserves. In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier

And asexual people would stop getting shit for being themselves.

[scribefindegil]

Yeah, exactly! There are many different forms of intimacy, physical and emotional, and we need to stop viewing non-sexual forms of intimacy as inherently lesser.

And also you're right that while this post is specifically about the asexual experience, these problems affect everyone; desire gaps, whether temporary/circumstantial or ongoing, affect many if not most long-term relationships. And the solution needs to reaffirm bodily autonomy and compassion for everyone, not just carve out a specific exception for ace people. Too frequently I see people and institutions that, even when they're attempting to be affirming, essentially say "Well this is what a committed relationship Needs To Look Like . . . unless you already id as ace I guess" instead of allowing their general idea of what relationships can look like to expand and become less prescriptive.

No one should be pressured into sex they don't want. This should be a basic and non-negotiable tenet of feminism. But it goes out the window as soon as it's in the context of a committed relationship that isn't otherwise abusive.

[aro-thoughts]

What the hell... I had no idea the one who doesn't want to have sex is still pressured to put out even if they're going through something- stress, health problems, after giving birth, what the hell!!!! Like actually why is sex seen as that important that it should override even things like that???? Honestly what's even the appeal of sex if your partner isn't consenting

Here's the solution I'd propose if I were the therapist in that situation. It won't work for everyone, but polyamory exists. Obviously OP felt committed enough to this person that they still stayed in each other's lives when they're 'just' friends. So the way I see it is like, even if you personally have never considered polyamory, if you're dedicated to a person enough, you can let things like that slide, and that way everyone gets their needs met

Honestly. There is no way in hell that one person, and only one person, is capable of being there for you physically, emotionally, sexually, romantically and otherwise all of the time. There are some things your partner may not be able to do for you that other people can. And honestly. If there's a need you have that must be fulfilled, and there's a person who's capable and willing to fulfill it for you....I don't see the problem

Literally as long as anything is safe, sane and consensual, what is the problem....

[scribefindegil]

Hi! I only just saw this addition and I really don't want it circulating without a rebuttal, so please listen to me when I say: suggesting polyamory as The Solution to a situation like this is just as aphobic and insulting as suggesting that ace people suck it up and have sex anyway. Many ace people have been coerced into polyamory/open relationships that they do not want because of this attitude. It continues to present the desire for sex as a non-negotiable need that MUST be met while ignoring the ace partner's needs and desires.

Not everyone is interested in polyamory. Telling ace people that they "must" be okay with it if they're not interested in sex, is, frankly, fucked up.

[aro-thoughts]

Oh god <.< I hope everyone who saw my response will see this addition too 🤔 I think polyamory is definitely important to at least bring up in a conversation like this but no, it's not the end all be all- I think I did word it like it was The Perfect Solution? My bad bro 💀

I think how I'd amend that would be that I think the frameworks of relationships that we have are just way too reductive (the assumption that the ace person must bend to the need for sex, etc), and at least for me, some kind of relationship anarchy type of deal is a lot more fitting

[scribefindegil]

Thank you for listening! I absolutely agree that a discussion of relationship anarchy is important in situations like this, but that also includes things like "interrogating how much the allo person's desire for sex in a relationship is genuine vs how much of it is that they've internalized the societal message that they're a failure if their partner doesn't find them attractive." Often the suggestion that aces try polyamory doesn't come from a place of truly valuing relationship anarchy and the personal choice to pursue non-normative relationships, but as a way of replacing one prescriptive relationship model with another.

[papercranesandpride]

I think if you want to understand bigotry against aromantics, I have a good case study. Let me talk a little about my dad's family.

My dad has 4 half siblings and two step siblings. They're all a decent bit younger than him. When I was a teenager, we went to a family reunion, and I realized something—my dad did not respect his siblings. He looked down on all of them. He saw them as fuck-ups and overgrown children. My dad had the American dream: well paying management job, suburban house, wife, and three kids. My aunt and uncles did not. Excluding my aunt, none of them were married or in serious relationships. They hadn't really settled into long term careers. Several of them were working the kind of jobs that get called "Unskilled labor." So he looked down on them because the youngest one was in his thirties (and several were much older), and yet none of them had "settled down" into what he saw as lifelong, permanent careers and relationships and lives. He was polite to their faces, sure, but I heard how he talked about them behind their backs, to my mother.

And then a few years ago, we visited his brothers again for Thanksgiving. And I realized something again--he respected them now. He saw them as equals. Why? Well. All of a sudden, every single one of them had serious, committed romantic partners. They didn't even need to still be with those partners—one of my uncle's fiance passed away from cancer before they could marry—just having had one showed that they matured into a real adult participating in society. In fact, at one point, my aunt was telling my mom about how one of my uncles was no longer living in an apartment she owned, but instead, after having a steady girlfriend for about a year, he moved in with her. And my mom literally said to my aunt, "wow. Look at that. He finally grew up."

One of the lines that frequently gets repeated about anti-aspec sentiment is "why would anyone hate asexuals/aromantics/etc? They aren't even doing anything." And that's exactly it. In the eyes of amatonormative culture, we aren't doing anything. Adults are supposed to do things. That's how you become a member of society.

I know that my father will never see me as a successful adult. He will never approve of my life. And I think most people would assume that that's because I'm trans. And don't get me wrong, he sure as shit doesn't like or respect that, but I do think if given enough time, he would get used to it. He would eventually realize that it isn't going away. And if I settled down with a spouse and a respectful job and a few kids, he could see me as a successful adult that he could be proud of anyway. But of course, that's not going to happen. Because I'm aromantic. So I'm never going to do that one thing that signifies that his job is complete, and I'm officially a full-fledged adult. I will perpetually be that fuck-up kid who won't settle down. In my personal case, that's okay. My dad is a conservative piece of shit, and if he doesn't approve of you, that just means you're doing something right. But on a societal level? This kind of attitude is a massive problem. Aromantics deserve to be treated like adults, and to feel like the accomplished adults that they are. We should feel like we belong in society.

[cerastes]

I don’t think we ought to normalize or justify bullying as a means to keep people from being annoying — a sentiment that in and of itself could make for a whole article’s worth of conversation — but I do think we should make a habit of politely but directly telling people “hey I didn’t like that”, “that wasn’t funny”, “you are mistaken”, and the like if it’s called for, and more importantly, you should be able to take a “that wasn’t funny” for instance without taking it personally, because protecting a polite harmony where no one can criticize each other, not even politely, is also really, really bad.

[sylveons-emo-phase]

I'm annoyed when people say "tagging is a courtesy" as a way to imply that it's totally fine for them not to tag things (especially NSFW) correctly if they don't wanna. Okay, sure, you can do that, you're not gonna get arrested for it nor should you, but you realize you sound like a complete asshole, right? Saying what amounts to "well I don't HAVE to show courtesy to strangers" makes you sound like an asshole even if it is technically true. Saying "please" and "thank you" is a courtesy. Being polite to service workers is a courtesy. Holding a door open is a courtesy, saying "excuse me!" is a courtesy, moving out of the way to let someone walk by you is a courtesy. Et cetera, ad nauseum. Human society runs on people being courteous to one another. You may not be required to do any of those things, but if you are able to be courteous and choose not to be, nobody is going to like you very much. That is to say, if you don't wanna come off as an obnoxious dick, yes, you do have an obligation to tag your fuckin porn correctly.

[aromantic-diaries]

"everyone should get more aromantic" can appeal to tumblr's sensibilities but I genuinely think everyone should also get more asexual. I don't mean everyone stop having sex, what I mean is

Sex is not essential. You can live without it. Full stop.

Not having sex isn't shameful or a sign of failure. It also doesn't make anyone boring.

You are not entitled to having sex with anybody and nobody is entitled to having sex with you.

Sex is not what makes someone an adult.

Nobody's worth is defined by how much sex they have or don't have.

Sex is not equally important to everyone.

You can have fulfilling and happy relationships without sex.

You should only have sex on your own terms, not because you feel like you owe it to someone, or because you feel like you'd be incomplete without it.

Know your boundaries around sex and be firm about them. Know how to respect other people's boundaries.

The previous point also applies when it comes to discussing sex. If someone doesn't wanna talk about it or hear about it you have to back down.

Anything can be sexual but not everything has to be sexual.

[hellougly]

Noooooot obsessed with the assumption people have that non-sexual or solely romantic depictions of queer relationships either in fandom or original fiction is some kind of attempt to sanitise or purify queerness rather than just a thing people like. And the two can coexist.

[lil-gingerbread-queen]

Kind of tired of how other queer and asexual folks keep pushing compulsive sexuality, and moralizing having sex or sexual thoughts.

Like, I'm tired of the "better be a pervert than a prude", the "we all are a little freaky", the "asexuals write the best smut", the "we don't want prudes to be writing hcs"... Like, we have to participate in sexual topics and behaviors to be normal, or we are prudes (can y'all stop judging and insulting people based on their personal experience with sex? Y'all learn that "virgin" was a bad insult and turn to use "prude" instead but you are still doing the same bs)

The fucking "Well, if people call you a puritan, maybe it's because you sound like one" posts being frequently posted in the asexual and sex-repulsed tags, because asexuals need to watch how they talk and complain about sex being forced unto them again, and again, and again, or they will be linked to purity culture (even tho purity culture STILL WANTS PEOPLE TO HAVE SEX, BUT ONLY AFTER MARRIAGE AND IN A HETERO RELATIONSHIP. PURITY CULTURE IS NOT SEXLESS), while queer folks continue again and again to paint it as morally superior to be a pervert (it's morally neutral. You being horny 24/7 doesn't make you morally superior to anyone).

Y'all love to reblog posts that say the basic "asexuals are valids!" but also reblog and post a ton of posts saying that being a "prude" is bad, not being a pervert is bad, every human is a pervert deep inside and people that denies it are bad, not being into kinky sex is bad, not being comfortable with some kinks is bad, not wanting to participate in some sexual acts is bad... So no, I do not feel valid and I do not feel supported, I feel exactly the same as before I discovered asexuality: broken and inhuman.

[taraxippos]

From what I can tell this is the standard level of sexual dimorphism for booktok romance couples

[taraxippos]

Most interesting thing about this post is people tagging it as like ‘straight people version of yaoi size dynamics’ like. Let’s all stop and think for a second where the “penetrative sexual partner is large, dominant, and masculine; the penetrated sexual partner is small, submissive, and feminine” thing (and the presumption of these roles being a necessity and immutable) might also come from.

[taraxippos]

And now it's "more tall bottoms!" "let the tiny girl PEG the man" let us instead continue this thought exercise and examine why we presume that a sexual relationship must be defined around a penetrator/penetrated dynamic, or that there must by necessity be "A top" or "A bottom" and that these roles cannot be fluid, or that penetrative sex is a necessity in a relationship to begin with, or that penetration is an act of dominance and humiliation and by extension it's a Subversive Feminist Win for the Bigger and/or Masculine party to receive, or that these misogynistic-homophobic ideals can be meaningfully addressed by simply Reversing the dynamic. My final message........goodbye..........

[sylveons-emo-phase]

the nature of tumblr is to gradually accumulate more and more sideblogs for various nefarious purposes

[sylveons-emo-comicsnstuffs]

So, Balatro, Amiright

[sylveons-emo-phase]

I made a sideblog for my art!

[sylveons-emo-phase]

There are a few things I think everyone should know about transition if they feel intimidated by it. 1. There is little that is not reversible in some way, shape, or form, particularly concerning HRT specifically, if you so choose. 2. What isn't reversible is often gradual. You can change your mind the moment something starts to feel off. Which brings me to... 3. ...Transition doesn't have to be an all-in all-at-once commitment. You commit to each thing as it comes. This dose of HRT. This session of laser/electrolysis. This dose of minoxidil. This one haircut. At any point along the way, if you don't feel thrilled, you can slow down or stop. You can microdose HRT if a full dose feels daunting! 4. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE. It is never, ever too late. It is never hopeless. I know it might seem that way, but I promise you, taking those steps to transition is always better than not no matter your age. It's never too late. I think it's important to know that transition doesn't have to be a sudden, complete upending of everything and there is no window to miss. You can go at your own pace and at any time. You can experiment and try new things and dial it up and dial it back. It doesn't have to be scary. You can do this. I promise.

[quixoticanarchy]

I didn’t miss that social cue I just thought it was stupid 

[sylveons-emo-phase]

I think everybody should keep in mind that "well there's nothing wrong with being *x*, but this shitty guy would be insulted if you called him that lol" IS NOT ACTUALLY A VALID OR GOOD ENOUGH FUCKING REASON TO BE A DICK AND MAKE A MOCKERY OF *X* this is mostly about micropenis/small dick jokes. fuck all of you people. if you make those comments you are not an ally you are a fucking poser I don't care that some right-wing asshole would get insecure if you called his dick tiny you are mocking tran (and intersex) people and you are so full of shit if you claim to be on our side (that shitty guy would be insulted because he's. a fucking bigot. you are literally reinforcing the shit that guy believes by insulting him that way. shut. the. fuck. up.)

[sylveons-emo-phase]

Kinda wanna post my art, kinda wanna make a sideblog if I do that. What's the verdict? Does that sound cool? (Pfp is my art, for reference)

[sylveons-emo-phase]

Not to get Real about my life on tumblr.com but when I was like 16, I helped with a homsechooled kids' martial arts class and there was this 8-year-old who was just. The world's greatest shithead. He was a terror. Tiny, loudmouthed, mischievous little shit. Always had to be the contrarian, always full of sass, always causing minor trouble. And the owner of the dojo was tough on him for it, and with every class that kid started to harness his chaos. It was awesome to watch. He still had a strong personality but he was learning how to express it appropriately. He was growing and gaining maturity and learning valuable lessons. He liked me a lot, because I was an androgynous teen with brightly colored hair who treated all the kids like real people. I'd screw with him sometimes, I told him my mom waiting in the parking lot was my uber. I watched him refuse water during a break, then complain about being thirsty when the class ended, and I called him out loudly. It was a joke between us for the rest of the time I knew him. When I first met him, I found him annoying, but he very quickly became my favorite student. Eventually the owner of that dojo dismissed me from the classes for being trans. "It's a business", y'know. Not everyone agrees with the whole trans thing. He's gotta do what he's gotta do to stay uncontroversial. I stopped attending the dojo altogether a year or so later as it got more and more right-wing. To this day that is probably the worst case of transphobia I've ever experienced, even including my father who I'm no-contact with. It was devastating. I miss that kid. He was cool as hell, man. I hope he grows up happy. I hope one day I can tell him I'm proud of him.