i wish to see the fractals i live within

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world (Wilde). i am trying to find my piece in this mad puzzle. this blog does not promote any form of self injurious behavior, ...

[synaptic-squalor]

In times of sadness, the toxic comes back

In times of despair, 

I bring the toxic back

[synaptic-squalor]

So, do you have an onlyfans?

this kinda anon energy is the reason i keep coming back to tumblr 

[tabithalovesstuff]

10 Prompts for Shadow Work

🌒 🌕 🌘

Keep track of your feelings from day to day. Record how you felt and try to pin point why you felt certain ways in different situations. How could you habe handled it better? Why did you react the way you did?

Write a letter to your past self, or your future self. Then break down your thoughts on why you said the things you did. Address any emotions that pop up during this process and record them. Why did you feel that way? What events in your life made you right what you did?

Are you living true to yourself? Are you changing who you are based on who you're around? What are those changes? Why do you make those changes?

Are you holding on to something or someone that you should let go of? Why do you hold on to it? What are steps you can take to let go of it?

What are your fears? Your REAL fears not just spiders or heights. Why are you afraid of those things? Are there any steps you can take to lessen that fear?

How do you treat the people in your life? Is there anything you could do for them to better your relationships? Are you being a positive, healthy influence on their life or are you being a toxic one? If toxic, what changes are you going to make to your behavior to stop being toxic?

What do you wish other people knew about you? Why do you keep it hidden?

Are you healing from past traumas and or incidents or have you just distracted yourself? What healthy ways could you address unhealed trauma in order to move to a healthier place?

Make a list of people you don't like. Why don't you like them? Are they actually bad or do you see bad parts of yourself reflecting in them and that's why you don't like them? Be honest.

Write down everything that happens to you in a week that makes you feel bad in any way. Examine this list and ask why certain events make you feel bad.

BONUS: Write down what you believe about a variety of things (from religion and karma all the way down to relationships and your career path). Why do you believe those things? Are these feelings set in stone or are you willing to accept alternate views? Why or why not?

Remember Shadow work is all about unlocking your subconscious. This helps you understand yourself better which is important for many different aspects in witchcraft, and your star seed will thank you for it.

🌟 🔮 🌟

[butchshevik]

Honestly if your response to "I dont have many skills that would be useful in a post-capitalist society" is "so I guess I'll just be pursuing my intellectual hobbies as my contribution to my community" instead of "so I guess I'll be doing dishes in the cafeteria/janitorial work/manual labor" you should really reconsider how you come at the very concept of work and society as a leftist. Is socialism no longer appealing if you have to do the work you previously took for granted? Is the liberation of the proletariat not worth it if you have to contribute something besides your dream job in academia or leading support groups? Are you really "too good" for "that type" of work, even if it is for a world where no one starves?

we will still have hobbies/run d&d/learn other languages under socialism - in fact, we would likely have far more time to pursue them than under capitalism - but when we think of our future labor, we ought to consider the "menial" tasks that keep society running; loading boxes onto trucks, cooking in a factory kitchen, packaging medical supplies for distribution, building new homes as a worker and not an architect. these jobs will never disappear, and to assume that someone else will do them while you lead workshops or go to school to become a trained professional is to announce your continuing loyalty to petite bourgeois ethics. The dream of socialism is not a fantasy where you continue to do the exact same thing you want to do under capitalism, but now with a clear conscience about it. It's to build a better world as one global movement, to lift up the most oppressed and downtrodden from the muck; a task which requires, above all else, heavy and thankless work that we must be prepared and happy to undertake if we ever hope to succeed.

[toskka-deactivated20210124]

“My first concept about people around me was that all of them were coordinated into a whole, whereas I was made of multitude of selves, of fragments.”

(essam marouf art +) walt whitman, song of myself / virginia woolf, the waves / anaïs nin in her diary (volume I) / virginia woolf, orlando / anaïs nin in a letter to henry miller / marty rubin, the boiled frog syndrome

[altafpatel]

How to spot signs and symptoms of Breast Cancer 

[howelljenkins]

[synaptic-squalor]

i wonder what it’d feel like to let myself live. i wonder what it’d feel like to actually enjoy something. i wonder what it’d feel like to pursue a passion. to even have a passion. to find my passions again. i wonder what it’d feel like to trust someone. i wonder what it’d feel like to allow myself to feel.

[googleimagefinds]

image found while on google images ©

[synaptic-squalor]

tumblr sucks

i wonder how long i’ll keep writing here. i downloaded a VPN to access a foreign broadcasting network’s live streaming services- i wanted to watch a new series that featured a tumblr account that i used to follow during my eating disorder days. the episode was mediocre but the nostalgia was worse. 

so much has changed for me in the last year. i feel like i’ve had to kiss one of my deepest dreams goodbye, and confront things about myself that i’ve managed to avoid for years. my recovery seems to be well underway but in so many ways, it still feels as though i’m the same girl that started this account back in 2011. 

i still don’t know what to do with myself. and so i came back here, because i used to spend hours, scrolling mindlessly, connecting far too deeply to the stories of folks i’ll never meet. but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. i switched to a new tab and searched google for “tumblr replacements,” and didn’t even bother looking at the results. next came “moving to australia,” and i closed that one after only a few more minutes of mindless scrolling. i feel extremely disconnected right now, and listless. time felt infinite back then- as though the future held opportunities, as though my potential was still a thing- but now, it feels as though these doors have permanently closed. i thought i knew myself, and i thought i was going somewhere, and that gave me courage...but this year has forced me to start all over again. and apparently, i’m just starting to get to know myself. i don’t know where the fuck i’m going, but i know i have to get out, and that i need some sort of radical change- something that may not be possible during these covid-times. I need to get out of Chicago, because there’s no growth for me here anymore. 

and how will i get out? what will i do? how will i support myself? once you figure out that you actually don’t want the thing you’ve been working for, 10 years later...the thing you’ve given literally everything up for, and the thing that’s made you shirk relationships, opportunities and your sense of self along the way...once you figure that out, what do you have left, other than the vast emptiness this realization brings? this liminal space? some may call this an opportunity, but they must have a pain tolerance that’s much higher than mine. and i certainly haven’t been left with any answers. 

if anything, i miss the sense of community and connection this place provided, and i hope that someday i can find something like this again, something i can turn to consistently. my real-life sense of community, true friendships i can lean on, have dwindled into nothingness- womxn my age prioritize their significant others, not their friends; society is set up, on so many levels, for monogamous, hetero relationships, and i’m not ready for any sort of relationship right now (though i desperately want to be in one). i feel like i’m too old to be here, even, and definitely too old to keep feeling sorry for myself. 

so when the world starts up again, i’ll try to find a new hobby. i’ll try to feel more at home within myself, so that i can pick back up the ones i used to enjoy. when the world starts again, i’ll think about moving. i’ll think about the things i’d actually enjoy doing in a career, and i’ll come up with a side gig. i’ll leave the country when the world starts up again. i’ll start an actual, bonafide blog. and i’ll find a sense of belonging, somewhere, somehow, because i deserve that. in 2020, i finally acknowledged that i deserve that. 

but i’ll never, ever find another tumblr. 

[synaptic-squalor]

just a rebound

you claim to have set expectations with her, that she was nothing more than a rebound. if you were so clear, why is she so upset? if she had a thing for your friend, why is she hurt over losing you- someone who ostensibly never claimed to be hers to begin with? 

and why are you so hung up on her needing space from you, if she was nothing more than a friend? it may be an ego thing, but surely you have more feelings for her than you can bear to admit to me. 

how could you be so callous to her feelings? and to mine? 

why are you telling her that you still want to hang out? how can i trust that you can be platonic with someone who you were physically intimate with, who you clearly still have feelings for, and who has feelings for you? 

what was the nature of your relationship with her, exactly? how did/do you feel about her? and if you have nothing to hide, why so reluctant about sharing your texts, about the specifics of your relationship with her from July till present? how can you possibly claim that this doesn’t involve me, when her name has arisen within the majority of arguments we’ve had in the past 5 months? 

if you aren’t open with me, how can i even begin to start trusting you again, when trust is earned and you’ve broken mine so many times before? i’ll gladly show you my phone- even in my rebounds, i have offered and given every last bit of honesty you’ve wanted- have i ever hidden anything from you? how can you claim that these omissions are for my protection, when they could just as easily be a way for you to save face?

will you resent me for this? are you doing this out of pity? what are we doing? 

[synaptic-squalor]

Ode to a candle, burnt out

A twitch in the night sputters

blue, to live is 

to tremble, weak but 

obstinate 

the clock’s hands wrap 

around my throat, and 

i gurgle, 

every moan a reminder but i 

can’t look away, not

after all this 

warm hours past

are but a denial, as

my wax wanes cold. still

i burn. choked by my own char.

in fairy tales,

a bird would rise from my

ashes, but in reality, i

dust the sides of a landfill

never to shine again

[installationarts]

Carlie Troslair

Perceiving Sensibility

2010

Fabric and wallpaper

[stckwll]

Come on Mess Me Up // Cub Sport

[synaptic-squalor]

I haven’t talked to Amy yet and I’ve just been avoiding her whenever possible, causing her (and, since she’s a spineless cunt) others at work to ignore me as well- Ive fallen out of graces from most everyone at work, it feels like, I’m at a higher weight than I’ve ever been at, and this month has caused me to emotionally regress back 3-4 years- here’s to hoping it’ll go back to normal after my last day at this shithole. I’m just so over it

Sometimes I’m afraid that this is just who I am and nothing will ever change- I’ll go through these spaces feeling more and more broken with each goodbye. I know I need help but moments like these...I not only feel helpless, but un-helpable. Is that even a word?

[synaptic-squalor]

does sexting ACTUALLY do anything for anyone though? ever? i feel like i’m in high school again

[browngirlsgang]

Kali

It was my mother’s fault that she birthed Me on the banks of Kaveri For try as they did they could not wash the black alluvial soil off my skin. Kali

Little piece of coal my mother’s brother calls me As he pretends he can’t spot me in the darkened birthing chamber It sounds very cute when said in Tamil. An endearment. Kali

This one just got baked a little longer in the oven laughs my father when My mother guiltily presents him with yet another daughter One whose skin only a paddy farmer could love. Kali

I am six when I am made to understand that I who was proudly showing off my 99% in Maths was less than my best friend, At least I’m fairer than you she says, Sadly looking down at her own 73% marks Kali

Raahat Ali hisses the epithet in class 3, that I would get familiar with through the years because I refuse to let him hold my hand| Kali

The shame I feel looking at my white face black neck makeup at my Arangetram. The shame Is for the secret pleasure that even though I look like a clown, I am fair For two hours Kali

I burn my skin to a crisp with hydrogen peroxide Congratulations. I now possess blonde sideburns to contrast my black skin. Kali

The proud mother of a prospective groom, who insisted on a fair skinned bride For her son who was ‘white as milk’ Amma told her off in no uncertain terms that her daughter Is dark as decoction and only when you mix the two. Do you get rich aromatic Coffee. Kali

The boy who said your skin shines Like burnished copper. I let him go, I thought he was lying. Boris Becker declared that the only time He noticed that his girlfriend was black Was when he saw how beautiful her skin Looked against his white sheets Kali

Touching my husband’s peachy creamy skin when we make love Wondering how he could find me desirable Kali

Lakme has three shades white, off-white and peach The joy I feel when I purchase my first compact At Heera Panna smugglers market At age 26 It is the mythical, never seen before MAC compact, in the pre- Manmohan Singh era And it is the exact shade of my skin, NC45 They got me. They knew I existed. I had a number. I still have that compact. After 18 years. But the shop assistant wants me to buy NC 44 Because it makes me look fairer. Kali

I’m pushing my light-skinned daughter on the swings Someone asks me where her mother is I bristle that I’m the mother The lady giggles apologetically, Usually only maids are dark skinned no, No offense meant ji Kali

Stay indoors, don’t swim, don’t tan, it’s OK That your Vit D levels drop to 4.75 Depression, stress fractures are a reasonable price for fair-er skin Melanin is a disease, there are treatments for it. Kali

Stick to gold jewellery, silver makes you darker Leave the diamonds to the porcelain Punjabis Don’t wear white, don’t wear black, don’t wear blue, don’t wear pink, Don’t wear light colours, don’t wear dark. Don’t wear pastels, don’t wear warm colours, don’t wear cold either. Kali

She who stands naked Wearing heads and blood Suffering no one Fangs are bared as are the talons Fulsome, fearsome Black of skin Revered worshipped adored Kali.

- by  Hema Gopinathan Sah

Postscript: This is my young friend Catherine. She’s barely 17 and loves taking photos of herself and uploading them on social media. Every now and then there will be a crass comment related to the beautiful colour of her skin. But Catherine deals with it well, she ignores them; something that I need to learn to do

[ikindalikemusiciguess]

Mitski - townie

I want a love that falls as fast as a body from the balcony and I want a kiss like my heart is hitting the ground I’m holding my breath with a baseball bat No I don’t know what I’m waiting for I am not gonna be what my daddy wants me to be