System Confessions

This blog is intended for CDD systems to share their secrets, hot takes, vents and more. (Pro-) Endos DNI.

[sys-confessions]

Welcome to System Confessions

This blog is meant for CDD systems of any kind to share their thoughts and feelings about anything and everything, good and bad.

While we don't have rules about confessions, we do ask that you add trigger warnings, if needed.

We are anti-endo, consider this an anti-endo space !

Endos, please do not interact, this space is meant for trauma survivors. Respect that.

We also don't allow bigotry, racism, ableism, etc. You are however allowed to send confessions about struggling with these things. Some aspects of systemhood are ugly and we do not wish to hide them.

Confessions posted on this blog do not reflect our opinions and we will not add commentary unless a question is asked.

-Damocles 🌿⚔️

Confessions in queue: 0 (won't be answering anything for a little while, sorry about that.)

[sys-confessions]

I probably have more in common with singlets than I do endogenic systems.

I don’t know why the plural community tries to push everyone into the same box, I cannot relate or connect with these people, and I’ve tried. Our experiences are vastly different.

[sys-confessions]

we're remembering more and more of the trauma that made us recently and it's been difficult. We feel more and more distant from the people we care about because of how broken to the core of our being we feel. The few people that we've felt safe to tell are our rock at this point. Love them so much. But with dissociative barriers coming down now that we aren't in an unsafe situation anymore I have no idea how to keep being a person. Augh

[sys-confessions]

we feel bad about it, but we have a REALLY low split tolerance + made up of mostly introjects, and tend to cover that up or hide it? theres been multiple times where we get 3-4 fictives of the same character and pretend that they're all one alter, or alters will purposefully pretend to be someone else for MONTHS until something "split-worthy" happens. having so many introjects makes us feel like we're faking, but doing these types of things only makes our internal communication worse and doesn't help with the impostor syndrome at all TT

[sys-confessions]

i just scrolled a little in your posts and stuff and i found 2 of mine. holy shit theyre long and im back again to vent again. 💔💔💔 sorry i just cant really vent anywhere or talk to anyone and u allow it so im grateful...

vent stuff denial

its always denial istg but like. im thinking maybe im not a system ?? because usually my 'symptoms' will appear like ,, there are these rare times i have like a bit of an episode (lowkey might last like a few weeks to a month tho i dont actually know i havent been keeping track) where i do have more systemy like,, symptoms or wtv, like ill have all the identity shit a lot to varying degrees (one day i may only 'switch' once, other days could be tens of times mostly just when stressed tho) but the people i be/'alters' dont usually like.. repeat.. ?, like theyll front once then once theyve switched out its a really rare and unlikely thing for them to come back again... idk why. this is why i dont really keep track of them, ill probably end up in the hundreds or something and none of them will ever come back so im sitting with hundreds of documented 'alters' that dont actually exist.

its always like this, like i get these episodes of being people and whatever then ill be no one for a while, i feel even more like im wrong or something now cuz im just no one and nothing, no more switching, no dissociation, nothing. if i try to choose a name it wont stay and sometimes ill have like the smallest changes but i think thats normal?? idk man i just wanna feel real and like a person, multiple or one, i just wanna be real 💔

[sys-confessions]

this isn’t system related specifically, but this has kinda just become my comfort place when I have questions/issues I don’t know where to go for.. tbfh, I don’t know if I’ve talked about it here or not.

(Tw: What’s potentially sexual trauma? Not very graphic though, bc nothing big actually happened)

So.. really the issue is like.. is this “enough” to count as sexual trauma? We know this was traumatic, either way, we just don’t know if it’s.. really enough to count as sexual? Like, I don’t know what else I’d call it, but I also feel like calling it sexual is, in some way, an over-exaggeration, misnomer, and/or an insult to actual sexual trauma victims?? Like, I don’t want to take up space where I’m not welcome.

Anyway.. When we were 17, our stepdad (whom we’d known for a decade, by that point) started sneaking up on us from behind, while we were in the kitchen/dining area (they were the same room), to “surprise” grab our waist for a few seconds. This only happened like.. twice, I think.

That is it.

Our issue is that.. like.. there’s just a clash?

On our end, we had no precedent for this. We had no reason to see waist touching (especially from behind??) as anything other than intimate, because it just wasn’t normal in our household or friendships. So like.. how else were we supposed to see “surprise waist touch from behind, during a moment of distraction”, if not “surprise intimacy from a ~40yo ‘trusted adult’ man in the safety of our own home”. And.. phrased like that, it’s fairly obvious why it feels like it could fit into the sexual trauma category..

But at the same time, I don’t think that was his intent. Like.. maybe this is wishful thinking, maybe it’s not, I don’t really know and I never got the courage to ask him about it, and even if I did, he’d deny it happened, deny ill intent (probably by saying it was just to fuck with me), and/or deny its effect on me, saying I’m exaggerating because of how “small” of an incident it was.

Finally, following that “it’s so small” line of thought, we don’t know how others see it. Is it really big enough to count? Idrk.

We are of the strong belief that if it felt like you were being sexually assaulted/harassed, you were. Sexual trauma isn't only about r*pe, it also is the result of being touched inappropriately without consent or even receiving comments about your body.

The intent behind it doesn't matter. You felt unsafe and the fact that you are still thinking about these incidents should tell you everything. Yes anon, it was bad enough. What your stepdad did was gross, there's no normal reason a grown man (a father!) would suddenly start grabbing their child's waist like that and he knows that, otherwise there would be no reason to downplay the issue.

You didn't phrase anything in a way that was untrue.

[sys-confessions]

CW: Genuine delusions of being the ‘only real fictive’ and unhealthy mindset as a fictive, mentions of gagging.

If you don’t want this on your page I understand, I’m just whining about my unhealthy relationship with my source and how I want to recover from it. I know it’s not healthy and I’m pro recovery just need to make that very clear

I genuinely believe I am the only one of my source that is real. I still believe that. I think that the introjects of my source are introjects of the fictional version of my home. And I think that I am the only one who comes from the real universe. I didn’t think it extended to me not liking seeing introjects outside of my source but apparently it does. Just seeing art of my in-source little brother in the introject tags made me gag. Because I can’t help but feel like these people don’t know my brother and they sure as hell aren’t based around my brother.

People say to source separate but genuinely I don’t know how you’d do that. It’s like saying I got to cook something I’ve never cooked before. What steps do you even do? What parts do I take? If it helps anyone with any familiarity with the source it’s Sonic. I’m a (Super) Sonic introject and I can’t help but feel possessive and simultaneously gross over this because it makes me feel fake and invalid and my superiority feels skin-deep. I don’t want to become nauseous every time I see another introject.

Does anyone have any actual small practical steps? I know source separation is the go-to b it what does that look like. I don’t wanna change my name or anything, or how I visualize myself in the headspace. I don’t really know how to go about it

Hi anon, I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds really tough and uncomfortable.

We don't have many fictives who are very source connected, but for those who are, what helped was actually consuming their source again. Something about watching/playing as the source character just sort of helped them feel more separated and also more free to express themselves however they want.

I'm not sure this helps. I hope some other people can help you by sharing their own advice :)

[sys-confessions]

Our partner recently pointed out that our trauma was presenting through one of our fictives source memories that he is heavily connected to, and it sent us on a long spiral of realizing today, because we never really considered that's why some were source connected like that, we just kinda thought "oh they picked this up to not think of the bad things in the past and can present as if they didn't happen!" But nope, they just have them present differently to them.

Also had to think through our memories and... Gosh so much is missing. It's so odd everytime because we remember the randomest small things like "oh yes the grapes at that birthday party were supposed to represent seaweed!" But don't remember the actual party??? Memories are weird and we definitely have some adjusting to how we look at our memories/how they show up in our alters

[sys-confessions]

(venting, nothing more, its not directed at anyone)

sometimes i just want to tell people to shut up and tell them to stop venting the same thing every few days. like- these people just sit in their misery without doing anything about it and then whine and complain about the same shit again and again, its actually tiring me out too because no matter how often you tell some people tips on how to cope with certain things, they keep whining and it has become so annoying. i dont say anything about venting every now and then but there are people that make me just want to tell them to shut up and learn how to deal with shit themselves. i never say that. i know i'm an asshole for thinking this, but thats also why i never say this out loud. just this once i need to vent about it though. i know i should be empathetic or sympathetic or whatever but sometimes i just cant take these people anymore. which is why im venting this anonymously. iknow im a horrible person for this, dont fucking lynch me.

[sys-confessions]

I have yet to find a blankqueer label that doesn't make me feel horrifically uncomfortable as an incredibly mentally ill, "aggressive" trauma survivor who has paraphilic disorders AND intrusive thoughts around paraphilic attractions that make me scared for my own safety.

[sys-confessions]

I am an alter made up of vague emotions and feelings that split into fragments in childhood but didn't come together or form a full alter until! A week ago! I don't have any old memories. I don't know anything. I feel like I'm floating in an endless sea. I hardly even know the person that sleeps in my bed with me

[sys-confessions]

It's hard not knowing whether you have amnesia or not because sure you don't remember most things but you have like. Mental screenshots and stuff then get context from that or have it retold to you but not remember anything

So I dunno if that counts. I definitely have emotional amnesia though

[sys-confessions]

i need people to talk more about about pwCDDs that have OCD as a commorbidity, and how that impacts the intrusive thoughts they have.

i just almost completely ruined a relationship by sharing some of my intrusive thoughts i have about a person with them, because they are NSFW in nature and that is not the kind of relationship we have. these intrusive thoughts stem from trauma that I have, and its just really frustrating that people dont talk about this because it feels so isolating.

[sys-confessions]

https://www.tumblr.com/sys-confessions/821011735305748480/sometimes-at-work-or-around-our-irls-we-stop?source=share Anon, ill give myself 💿 thiis emoji the less serious part of this is its so hard to log who's fronting during daily activities like work. Mostly we default to our host, but then he doesnt remember most of it and we're like ?? who the hell do we ask about (day)???? </3 -💿

[sys-confessions]

the whole RAMCOA thing confuses us sm.

no one ever gives examples on how certain abuse is done so can never see if relate.

know was conditioned (fear conditioned ? idek) but even after 5 years of moving out of original abusers house and into a new / different type of abusers home the same responses still stick. and i can’t get out of them. i physically feel ill and my heart starts racing and i just immediately freeze and then jump into action of covering up whatever im doing even tho ik what im doing isnt bad. sometimes im not even doing anything at all. i’m laying down at a time im supposed to be laying down but i hear the approach and freeze and because theres nothing for me to fix i just sit there feeling like im about to explode and then the door busts open and i jump and feel like i break.

it’s so incredibly irritating to be new to systemhood discovery and everything also be- gate kept in a way. sm stuff idk because people just sugar coat things or talk in circles. there’s no info anywhere i don’t even know what to look up. and i don’t have access to a therapist so wtf am i supposed to do

[sys-confessions]

Not really related to sys things, but also apparently it is right now?

I hate the whole discourse about blankqueer stuff that have popped up in the anti-endo tags. Why is there so much of it??? And why are people so rude and agressive???

(Also it's gross to me that at least a few of these labels I've seen are anti contradictory labels. Don't make a queer label and then get mad at people being queer. Contradictory labels have been used by intersex, transgender and non-binary people forever. Don't erase us.)

Yes I get it. I'm a big hyprocrite because I'm bringing blankqueer discourse to this blog. I'm only half sorry about it. I needed to get this out.

You don't have to post this if you don't want to.

[sys-confessions]

https://www.tumblr.com/sys-confessions/820776227075948544/tw-being-outed-as-a-system-also-a-vent-im-pretty

TW: being outed as a system, parental toxicity, a vent last paragraph

Hey! Same system from this anon. I know the kid who said this and I can give an update that a couple of us are sprouting back but it’s sort of sad…? I mean we’ve had 2 “”coming outs”” as a system. The first one was when we thought we were genderfluid (we were not. Those were alters.) and our parents screamed at us over this, some of the most traumatic stuff we remember in teen years, and the host at the time buried literally every other alter trying to communicate with them for like 5-6 years until recently.

So now we’re like still here even after our parents screamed at us and we run a risk by existing in these spaces. We go back to college soon so we’re banking on a safe college experience, too. It just sucks to KNOW you’re something you’re not “supposed” to be or don’t want to be. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own body, and I think a lot of us relate. Heck I don’t even know who “I” is right now.

It just sucks because I have a disorder. I so obviously have a disorder. And I don’t want to: I don’t want to be miserable, I don’t want to dissociate and I definitely don’t want to be like hundreds of people in one. Literally nobody (except addgenics/endos I guess) wants that. But it’s true! And it sucks! And I could cry and laugh all at the same time over how stupid all of this is. I don’t want to be here. I just wanna be normal.