tw: mention of sexual trauma but nothing graphic or detailed.
so we saw other systems talking about "system resets" and we wanted to do it too. we havent been officially diagnosed yet, but have done quite some research... now, honestly, i dont think it matters if i call it a "system reset" or a "mass dormancy", the core procedure of what happened translates anyway; large chunks of the system "shutting off"/going dormant/whatever you want to call it. im not entirely sure if this helps anyone with their own experiences but i hope its atleast good for me to talk about it at one point, because i havent done so yet since the sparse therapy sessions afterwards and maybe being open about it can help me too...
so we were in the process of seeking professional attention last year (didnt turn out well but thats not the topic), so we had some stuff figured out, y'know, and then met someone. sadly it wasnt just the only person i had ever met like that but it also led to being borderline raped, which i say like that because there were a lot of variables going into it and im not going to get more detailed. anyway, i actually had to go to the emergency room because i was... hurt badly. after waking up in the hospital room, it had felt like just... alone. for the first time in our life, whoever was present that day, just felt alone. there was nothing left. feelings were hard to come by and even weeks after that event it was like our internal "map"(?) was in ruins, suddenly the host at the time was the only one left, just because there needed to be someone who still "controlled the ship" i guess. its hard to describe but for a really long time that was all there was and i know for a fact that the host was feeling overwhelmed and just naturally slid back into denial of the system because thats what he perceived, nothing. also because there was nobody talking back anymore, there were no signs, nobody else fronting, there was nothing.
and i think its a very eerie feeling when you wake up, dont know who you are and are basically the only one who "survived" that. everything was basically locked down or shut down... that mightve been so we could focus on recovery first, but i think its hard, y'know, being the only one who suddenly has control when you didnt even exist before that thing happened... you have no clarity and no help because nobody inside you is around anymore and nobody around you irl would even begin to understand what happened inside you, not even talking about the event that triggered that "something broke internally" feeling.
after over one year later, we have started noticing more dissociative symptoms again and being more open to the possibility that we do might have DID and that has helped, i do think if we had had a diagnosis it would have probably been easier and faster to ease into that knowledge again but the mh system where i live has very limited resources... anyway we have thankfully begun building up again and it feels 100x better than that time... some of the previous "important" alters are rewaking too, so i guess "mass dormancy" couldve been more accurate but i still think that the core of what happened could be explained with both, and in some way i get why some feel like its a "reset" rather than a "dormancy", the entire thing is rather subjective in how it feels anyway...
sorry i probably started rambling somewhere in there, i hope this can maybe help someone else feel less alone than we did when this stuff happened...
