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22 | did system | vent account

[systematicallyill]

life is kinda beating me tf up rn, i cant stop questioning abt my missing sexual trauma memories, n wondering what happened to me, more than usual because this has been a many many years thing, my stepmom went into cardiac arrest rivht in front of me n it was horrifying n scary n i get images of it in my head everyday n everytime i try to sleep, sleeping is just horrible, when i lay down w my thoughts for even a second i get filled w pure panic, my car keeps breaking down, this all just sucks

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its so hard to heal from trauma with ur mother when u cant even remember how she hurt u, all u have is years and years of pain built up so much, years and years of hurting and forgetting and hurting and forgetting. you dont even know why u hate her anymore do u, just a vague feeling of certainty that she has abandoned u emotionally too many times to count. n yet she acts as though ur the distant one, n u question urself. is it ur fault? u may get little glimpses of what she has done but, ur the one who cant remember after all. maybe u made it all up. however, u can never escape that feeling that she has done u wrong.

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does anyone remember the danger days diet based on the zones? i'm trying to find it out of nostalgia from when i had an ed n i CANNOT for the life of me

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what is anything anymore, i dont understand

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daydrinking n watch the crowded room to see if it awakens something in me

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it awoken something, including hours of sobbing, n then a previous-unknown alter two days later

[systematicallyill]

daydrinking n watch the crowded room to see if it awakens something in me

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my 21st birthday will be spent mourning the childhood and life that was stolen from me. a life free of fear. a life free of disconnect. a life where i wasnt hurt so horribly.

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something happened to me. ive always known it but i didnt know it. i found physical proof. theres no other explanation that i can find. what happened. who did it. do i still know them? do i still talk to them? do i interact with someone horrid enough to do that? to do that to me?

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love being drunk at school <3 i feel like a pos but this is a vibe

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whyd my parents wake me up by angrily yelling at me for staying up, im not doing it out of spite or irresponsibility, im just not doing good at all rn, like dont play w me ill kms rn n then nobody will be laughing

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U SAID U LOVE ME U SAID UR COMING BACK

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drowning

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dont kys or self destruct bc hes coming back challenge

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i want a cigarette so bad rn

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ive been such a bad friend too, my friend is literally in the hospital rn n i can barely respond to her ttxts, let alone call her

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theres no solution to this unless his mindset changes n i can get better at emotional regulation faster, it could be over

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if hes not the one for me then i dont think love is meant for everyone, if he breaks up with me ill just give up i think, who else could handle everything that i am if he cant