o/_ this is @uniquezombiedestiny's ocposting sideblog! :3
ill post about ocs from project moon (lc/lor/lccb), splatoon, flight rising, dnd, mmolb, and my original media (pantheon, celestials + other unnamed stuff) and whatever else i get interested in.
therell be tagged reblogs, art, writing, ask games*, random posts/rambling, and like. whatever else i think of lol
*on that note feel free to send in whatever you want about my guys, ill.... probably answer o7
lowkey bullshitting but ☝️ ocd + hypersexuality binah
ive been thinking a bit about arbiters and like. how we as humans can do all kinds of heinous shit and even become used to it, good at it, but none of that means that we were ever like built or meant to. and for binah thats not only being an arbiter but also all the extraction and talking to carmen in the well (and iirc over the 10,000 years of the loops).
so the ocd begins pre-lobcorp with her killing as an arbiter. its managable as garion, in lobcorp it starts to become more and more blurry which thoughts and hers and which are intrusive, and in ruina they grow more intense as Nothing Happens (in comparsion to the murdering + extraction/well shit before and during lc) after shed gotten so, so used to it
the hypersexuality happens in ruina and is along the same lines. part of binah like subconsciously realizing she has freedom now and can do whatever she wants, experience new things, and like. is actually Free. and while she consciously mulls over these ideas in her mind, idk how much she truly accepted these things or like. how much it actually set it. until some kind of (random?) moment.
actually that moment is probably meeting hod again (or having a one on one with her after becoming acquaintances again in public settings), since this is all kinda intertwined with lc + ruina binahod lol
and i think she just stares at hod and intrusively thinks like. i could kill you now. i could do anything to you now. i can do anything to you right now. and youre just here, waiting, unaware. just imagine,
and ofc with it being binahod the gore and romantic/sexual aspects intertwine and blur together. whats intrusive and not blurs together. for a moment i think binahs mind would be like. half-consumed and half-self aware. holding a conversation but being unnaturally stiff/still. and i feel like hod would notice but theres 2 lobillion reasons it could be that way, and its polite not to mention it, so,
overall i think binah is aware of the intrusive thoughts (from her time as garion and from there, as it got blurrier, just noticing patterns. her judgement of whats intrusive/real is worse in lc though and meshes into her entire personality/worldview), but not much about ocd as a whole, while hod and yesod just know its ocd, know and use studied coping mechanisms, etc. etc. binah does have coping mechanisms of her own but they start to fail in ruina bc the dullness of lc begins to be replaced with new ruina experiences... and plus she could alsays use more. and a support system <3
thinking about maes insane work ethic and pain tolerance and how it draws aaaaall the way back to the starved war..... the very first like. Real event she experienced after losing her memories. 2+ years ago and it haunts her to this day
i was thinking about just how fast yui started using enkephalin and it made me like consider the relatively short timeframe of lobcorp. even if c127 ends up canonically being 100 days (to match my 2[+?] runs of lobcorp since my current one wont get the true ending), thats still only 4 months. 2 months for 50 days.
literally only a month in by the time the yuicide(tm) happens... for things to go downhill that fast there were probably like. a number of circumstances All colliding.
working with someone who hates you as much as you hate them
moreso that gem and yui mutually disliked eachother and found one another annoying, which gem persisted with (and used as the foundation for his lobcorp self, later becoming the whole villain like. persona). so it wound up developing into mutual hatred rather than cold professionalism.
2. the Other guy shes working with, her literal sephirah, does not give a fuck. and is freely doing drugs,
3. escaping her overworking conditions as a backstreets fixer just to stay afloat by running to lobcorp... only put her in equally bad conditions, working to save lives and repair injuries to no avail.
agents rarely ever die in c127, but a) there sure are a lot of clerks here and guess what theyre notorious for. and b) laverne did die on day 11! and wasnt able to be saved.
in the end it makes sense that yui wound up like the rest of her team doing enkephalin. but theres a fourth aspect of things that gives more context to her suicide attempt as well:
4. isnt this repetition of dull suffering, constantly pushing yourself just for a chance to survive, painfully boring by now?
yuis parents werent too great. having a child was a shortsighted mistake, made from the hope that they could have a better life, but it wound up only putting more work on their already busy schedules. in the end, as much as they wanted the best for her, they grew to neglect her and only look away from her suffering. at the very least, her family was well-off for the backstreets.
still, yui already began on a lower level than most, having to catch up with her peers mentally and socially (or make up for it) all on her own. it at least made her exceptionally self-sufficient, to the point of starting fixer work at 16. she came to live at her group's office.
and she ended up like her parents. grasping at hope, constantly pushing forward, never stopping or looking back.
(even the creative pursuits she found joy in as a schoolchild started to lose their meaning when she had so little time to engage with them. especially now that she understood the context of the memories it all brought up.)
so she ran to lobcorp, trying to escape, only to end up in that same exact position. working alone in these dull, dreary circumstances. perhaps it was a shortsighted mistake, made in the hope of having a better life there.
but the cycle just repeated. in the end, she just got tired of it.
and with everything else on top - her dogshit coworkers and the worsening enkeph addiction - no wonder it all happened so fast lol
yui and vera having character foils yet again. the one who gave up hope due to the endless repetitions of the cycle is saved by the one who refuses to give up hope in the face of it.
one of the (so-called lol) most rational members of asiyah is saved by one of the most emotional. one of the most jaded saved by one of the, seemingly, most naive.
though i feel like anything more i have to say here just gets into yui/vera stuff ive already posted about so. pivoting to another train of thought from here o7
i was thinking, the der frei corrosion mustve changed yuis mind/personality a lot (on top of her current physical changes). she corroded during the yuicide(tm), which was both life-threatening and stressful for her, making it well. not a subtle level of corrosion lol.
and im thinking the first big sign of these mental changes was her taking gems eye out.
yui never really cared for unprofessional behavior. flashy displays, dragging things out, that kind of thing. it does have limits, but overall, she tried to always remain rational and efficient.
and yet, soon after she recovered, she hunted gem down and challenged him to a fight. she won it, and took his eye out - not with a shot from her gun, but with the barrel of it. overall, it was an act of drawn-out, revenge-fueled sadism.
and that revenge game was mutually kept up until one of them died.
it all reminds me of some of der freis story and flavor text lines:
"For despair wears down the mind and drains one's will to go forward. When one feels there's nothing left to go for, their soul falls down to Hell, the Devil's domain. ... When a marksman received a gun from the Devil, the Devil proposed a childish contract."
"Der Freischütz does not remember anything positive, such as the sparks of love or the joy of doing a good deed. He only reacts to dying things."
"As with all pacts made with the Devil, Der Freischütz’s request will not end peacefully."
...really like. every single line of der freis story/flavor text fits her ngl. this abno is so her.
i was thinking about just how fast yui started using enkephalin and it made me like consider the relatively short timeframe of lobcorp. even if c127 ends up canonically being 100 days (to match my 2[+?] runs of lobcorp since my current one wont get the true ending), thats still only 4 months. 2 months for 50 days.
literally only a month in by the time the yuicide(tm) happens... for things to go downhill that fast there were probably like. a number of circumstances All colliding.
working with someone who hates you as much as you hate them
moreso that gem and yui mutually disliked eachother and found one another annoying, which gem persisted with (and used as the foundation for his lobcorp self, later becoming the whole villain like. persona). so it wound up developing into mutual hatred rather than cold professionalism.
2. the Other guy shes working with, her literal sephirah, does not give a fuck. and is freely doing drugs,
3. escaping her overworking conditions as a backstreets fixer just to stay afloat by running to lobcorp... only put her in equally bad conditions, working to save lives and repair injuries to no avail.
agents rarely ever die in c127, but a) there sure are a lot of clerks here and guess what theyre notorious for. and b) laverne did die on day 11! and wasnt able to be saved.
in the end it makes sense that yui wound up like the rest of her team doing enkephalin. but theres a fourth aspect of things that gives more context to her suicide attempt as well:
4. isnt this repetition of dull suffering, constantly pushing yourself just for a chance to survive, painfully boring by now?
yuis parents werent too great. having a child was a shortsighted mistake, made from the hope that they could have a better life, but it wound up only putting more work on their already busy schedules. in the end, as much as they wanted the best for her, they grew to neglect her and only look away from her suffering. at the very least, her family was well-off for the backstreets.
still, yui already began on a lower level than most, having to catch up with her peers mentally and socially (or make up for it) all on her own. it at least made her exceptionally self-sufficient, to the point of starting fixer work at 16. she came to live at her group's office.
and she ended up like her parents. grasping at hope, constantly pushing forward, never stopping or looking back.
(even the creative pursuits she found joy in as a schoolchild started to lose their meaning when she had so little time to engage with them. especially now that she understood the context of the memories it all brought up.)
so she ran to lobcorp, trying to escape, only to end up in that same exact position. working alone in these dull, dreary circumstances. perhaps it was a shortsighted mistake, made in the hope of having a better life there.
but the cycle just repeated. in the end, she just got tired of it.
and with everything else on top - her dogshit coworkers and the worsening enkeph addiction - no wonder it all happened so fast lol
yui and vera having character foils yet again. the one who gave up hope due to the endless repetitions of the cycle is saved by the one who refuses to give up hope in the face of it.
one of the (so-called lol) most rational members of asiyah is saved by one of the most emotional. one of the most jaded saved by one of the, seemingly, most naive.
though i feel like anything more i have to say here just gets into yui/vera stuff ive already posted about so. pivoting to another train of thought from here o7
i was thinking, the der frei corrosion mustve changed yuis mind/personality a lot (on top of her current physical changes). she corroded during the yuicide(tm), which was both life-threatening and stressful for her, making it well. not a subtle level of corrosion lol.
and im thinking the first big sign of these mental changes was her taking gems eye out.
yui never really cared for unprofessional behavior. flashy displays, dragging things out, that kind of thing. it does have limits, but overall, she tried to always remain rational and efficient.
and yet, soon after she recovered, she hunted gem down and challenged him to a fight. she won it, and took his eye out - not with a shot from her gun, but with the barrel of it. overall, it was an act of drawn-out, revenge-fueled sadism.
and that revenge game was mutually kept up until one of them died.
it all reminds me of some of der freis story and flavor text lines:
"For despair wears down the mind and drains one's will to go forward. When one feels there's nothing left to go for, their soul falls down to Hell, the Devil's domain. ... When a marksman received a gun from the Devil, the Devil proposed a childish contract."
"Der Freischütz does not remember anything positive, such as the sparks of love or the joy of doing a good deed. He only reacts to dying things."
"As with all pacts made with the Devil, Der Freischütz’s request will not end peacefully."
...really like. every single line of der freis story/flavor text fits her ngl. this abno is so her.
i was thinking about just how fast yui started using enkephalin and it made me like consider the relatively short timeframe of lobcorp. even if c127 ends up canonically being 100 days (to match my 2[+?] runs of lobcorp since my current one wont get the true ending), thats still only 4 months. 2 months for 50 days.
literally only a month in by the time the yuicide(tm) happens... for things to go downhill that fast there were probably like. a number of circumstances All colliding.
working with someone who hates you as much as you hate them
moreso that gem and yui mutually disliked eachother and found one another annoying, which gem persisted with (and used as the foundation for his lobcorp self, later becoming the whole villain like. persona). so it wound up developing into mutual hatred rather than cold professionalism.
2. the Other guy shes working with, her literal sephirah, does not give a fuck. and is freely doing drugs,
3. escaping her overworking conditions as a backstreets fixer just to stay afloat by running to lobcorp... only put her in equally bad conditions, working to save lives and repair injuries to no avail.
agents rarely ever die in c127, but a) there sure are a lot of clerks here and guess what theyre notorious for. and b) laverne did die on day 11! and wasnt able to be saved.
in the end it makes sense that yui wound up like the rest of her team doing enkephalin. but theres a fourth aspect of things that gives more context to her suicide attempt as well:
4. isnt this repetition of dull suffering, constantly pushing yourself just for a chance to survive, painfully boring by now?
yuis parents werent too great. having a child was a shortsighted mistake, made from the hope that they could have a better life, but it wound up only putting more work on their already busy schedules. in the end, as much as they wanted the best for her, they grew to neglect her and only look away from her suffering. at the very least, her family was well-off for the backstreets.
still, yui already began on a lower level than most, having to catch up with her peers mentally and socially (or make up for it) all on her own. it at least made her exceptionally self-sufficient, to the point of starting fixer work at 16. she came to live at her group's office.
and she ended up like her parents. grasping at hope, constantly pushing forward, never stopping or looking back.
(even the creative pursuits she found joy in as a schoolchild started to lose their meaning when she had so little time to engage with them. especially now that she understood the context of the memories it all brought up.)
so she ran to lobcorp, trying to escape, only to end up in that same exact position. working alone in these dull, dreary circumstances. perhaps it was a shortsighted mistake, made in the hope of having a better life there.
but the cycle just repeated. in the end, she just got tired of it.
and with everything else on top - her dogshit coworkers and the worsening enkeph addiction - no wonder it all happened so fast lol
when i was at walgreens (at 3 in the morning which explains all of this) the cashier was talking to her coworker about how shed rather be a werewolf than a vampire because vampires are condemned to hell but werewolves arent and then she asked me what i thought and i said vampire because im already condemned to hell and she said in the nicest tone of voice “i dont think anybody is condemned to hell….” paused, stared at me for a few moments, and added on “…not even gay people”
gems relationship with his gender is fuckin. Weird. the way that its one of the last strands of his real self remaining, and yet the lines are both forcibly and later intentionally blurred until not even that remains. and once thats happened, his already polarized view of things ("the last most confident piece of my true self is fading away, and that hurts to watch" -> "no its fine. its fine. its fine! i can learn to like it! ill find a form of enjoyment in the complete loss that this represents") gets a third, prevailing view: "i dont care. i dont care about any of it. who i am or what i look like. Do Not Perceive Me /ref"
and an interesting part of that is how he was raised, and how angela created the librarians. i was looking at the designs for the patrons and thought like. i wonder why they look like this? and it made me think: huh, its like they represent their outward personalities... as if angela created these outfits for them based on what she thought would suit them.
but she wouldnt know the assistants as well as she knew the sephirot. so in canon ruina, they all have the same outfit, but ofc i made my own so. she either made them their own outfits regardless... or perhaps - when they were all light, but not yet in human forms, like essence or souls - she considered those to determine what form to give them.
and gems wouldnt be easy to decipher. his sense of self has already been muddled into nothing through his past up until now. but at least, in his past, he had a purpose. the geminiano pre-transition had a life set out for her, had family, had goals, even if they weren't her own. and so, among the overall blurry selves across his life here... she stood out. and so, without much other direction available, she'd determine that she is the clearest direction to head in for his librarian form. which leads to his views in the first paragraph, grappling with the (even if unintentional) continued loss of autonomy in who he is, long after he supposedly escaped that kind of life.
so you know that cursed sword that slowly drives whoever wields it mad & causes mysterious illnesses? you guessed it: scabbard was absolutely loaded with black mold
