Let's Run

SideBlog: Personal Diary My lowly attempt to get my life together Goal: Become fit [enough] & graduate with honors

[t-uyet]

same

[t-uyet]

I hope by the end of this year you realize that every year should be your year. Because that’s exactly how it should be.

[t-uyet]

I’m actually very sad at the fact that winter break is almost over and I did not get anything done with my body besides attempting to eat clean (which didn’t even work as well). What is this sad life of mine, but I am growing to be more positive mentally and to not let the small things get me down. I’m trying! You can do this! 

On a side note though, Han Sanghyuk’s movie feature came in and it’s pretty cool to see all his friends come and watch it. I hope one day when Sti-L blows up that we can do those types of things as well. I still like to dream and I see no harm in why I shouldn’t! Okay, maybe I’ll be better tomorrow or something, farewell for now~ 

[hun-a]

so you said black pearl has no music video..

[t-uyet]

I don’t fucking know why. I feel like I am always being a terrible person, like I hang out with one friend and not the other. Like yeah I shouldn’t care but these people are like legit my lifeline??? If that makes any sense. Should I be worrying, no bc they always tell me that they’ll never leave. And I trust them completely. But maybe it’s because I’m so fucking clingy that it’s like...”why haven’t they talked to me?” “Am I doing something wrong?” “Are they okay?” “Do they need me in their lives anymore?” It  just keeps escalating and to be honest, I don’t even know why I feel like this. It’s so irritating because like I FUCKING MISS THEM. I see them when I get the chance, and I try to balance but it’s not working out and I’m fearing for my life that I might lose the most important people in my life.  I told one of them this, but I didn’t have the heart to finish. I was like, “Wow, this is really cool.” Because I saw all the kids at my school like walking out of their dorms or apartments with their other friends and I was like wow this looks really cool. I like having them around...like all the time. I don’t think we ever had a legit fight but tbh I don’t think I could ever be mad at them. I really enjoy them being around. I like the idea of like one person is thinking like “hey guys! let’s go get ice cream or some shiet” and others could be like nah I don’t want to go or like sure why not. I like the idea of spontaneity. or like late night adventures. Maybe if we were in different circumstances, all of this could have happened. and now I forgot what I was going to say so good bye~

[t-uyet]

Right now. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like brought this upon myself. I feel like everything is slipping away. They are so close but at the same time they are so far away. I need them no doubt but I can't balance things correctly. Why am I always in constant fear of everything...

[jjks]

rapper line @ all force one

[oddball-from-shinee-world]

[Fan Cam] 150918 Jonghyun surprise event in Hongdae - original version of “Playboy” (short version) recorded and posted by @gusdk042724

note: Jonghyun composed and wrote the lyrics of “Playboy” for EXO’s “Exodus” album. Furthermore, he was also the vocal director during the recording of the song and lend his voice for the backing track of the Korean version.

[silencesneeze]

suho doesn’t fuck around

fan: what is your dream?

suho: WORLD DOMINATION

[t-uyet]

Someone asked me today if I was okay. I replied normally like "yeah I'm fine" because like I don't know how else to say "I'm fine but I just don't know what to do with my life" in like three words without interrupting the teacher. I question if I look mad all the time, like I don't feel mad. I just feel bleh.

[t-uyet]

...and suddenly I even began to miss your presence

[t-uyet]

There are times in my life where I don't exactly know if I'm being a total pussy or I am truly tired. But lately. I've been feeling more tired than usual. Like it's too early to be feeling like this, because I have an entire year a head of me. Which leads to many things going wrong and tiredness to increase as time goes by. 

I've been less motivated these days and I'm really sad that it's starting off like this, I don't know how to feel. I'm trying to distract myself right now. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being suffocated and I don't know how to react to it. Like how does one live with such struggles in life. 

I miss being ignorant and not having responsibilities. How does one person take care of three people whilst attending school. Was it always things hard. I wish I could write more but I can't even do that. It's not that I'm tired any more. It's that I am just sleepy. Everywhere I go.

I feel like sleeping in every class and I don't know. I get enough sleep. Or fulfilling sleep at least. To the point I don't even want to wake up. But I guess I have to wake up. Anyways. I have a bunch of shit to memorize but there is no way in hell I'm going to remember it so good night my friends. I'll be retiring for the night. 

10:25 PM 20140907

[t-uyet]

I feel very...disconnected.

[t-uyet]

Well Prom 2014

My Junior Prom! I totally don't regret going it was hella fun. Finally someone who realizes how I feel when I'm at practice. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you all the way to the end. You have other people I can guarantee it. Its a lonely place out there. If I don't have you I don't have anyone so eh. I don't know. Those slow songs those. I like flashed back to Formal. Holy crap you son of a bitch. Why the hell did you do this to me. I want someone to go and offer me their hand. Maybe I'll ask you to my Senior Prom. Who knows. Sighz. Today was fun. It was like karaoke and stuff. I got to sing a bunch and my legs hurt like hell. I hope the others had fun. And didn't notice me that much. I must admit I am a tad too overly sensitive. Maybe I really wanted that Sti-L photobooth picture. It would've been nice. But I'm sure they aren't doing this intentionally. I'm sure its all good. I shouldn't let something like this get in the way of anything. I always have next year. Even if it isn't with them. I'll just look it as another opportunity to take a Sti-L picture. That we will see each other so many times that it will be possible to see them all. I'm so fucking selfish. How does this even happen. I can't get what I want all the time. I'll just have to learn how to deal with it I guess. I mean. They are my life. If only they saw me like that. Is it only dancing they will be with me forever? I wonder all the time. Doubts in my head. Oh the pain. Till another day. Good bye^^

[t-uyet]

I guess there is always this fear...of being forgotten. I mean it's like in the back of my head and just travels all the way to the front. It's irritating really. I guess I can't help but be afraid of everything~ it just doesn't work like this and I feel so stupid sometimes. I mean I do trust them. There is no doubt in my mind but...it's happen before. It can happen again. Maybe I'm just being a drama queen, I mean the world doesn't revolve around me and I probably was expecting too much. I should've lowered my expectations. They already have too much on their plate. It's sucks because I don't think I'll ever be able to look at my day the same anymore, maybe it's because I'm a drama queen. Maybe that's it. I just can't help but remember it. I shouldn't have said anything. I feel so stupid, why is it I can clearly see that moment in my head each and every time. Why won't I let it go. Why can't I just forget about it like everyone else. I mean no one else talks about it. Why is it every time something special like this comes around I'm reminded of something like this. I feel like screaming. It's so frustrating that I can't let this stupid thing go. I guess right now my fear is they went without me. Now I'm just imagining them saying that I'm stupid why in hell would I forget them? I'd probably stay quiet and say I don't know but...in my head is say "because it happened before." History is always bound to repeat itself one way or another. It sucks really. It truly does. My fear right now is them saying "oh...we forgot to get you..." And of course I don't want to be a drama queen so I'd have to say its fine...my heart is already breaking from the thought of it. I guess it's because I want to spend every second with them that I pester and cling to them so desperately. I treasure the times we are together, I seriously do. Sometimes I wonder if they even know I'm not here. If they know that I want to see them. Sometimes I wonder if I even matter in their lives. They've said things countless times, about me being someone they care about...but from the looks of it. Do they really? I'm probably so stupid for questioning such things...maybe I should just let it be.

[t-uyet]

I realize I'm saying sorry a lot these days. Its honestly weird and strange. How the hell I have friends. Wait. Not friends. Family. Because family loves you no matter what shit you put them through. They love you thought thick and thin. There are actually a couple of people who are seriously like guardian angels. You know like the people who are always there for you? I realized that today and I'm just like. How the hell is this even possible. I don't think I could have explained the gratitude I feel at the moment. It just formed to tears. I feel bad for always apologizing. And even thinking that I do more than them. When in reality they do a hell lot more than me in the long run. Like lovers they run through my mind all day, but I'm pretty sure like all my past relationships...its always one sided. I can see it. I'm not blaming them either. It just my be how I feel almost everyday. That's okay tho. They are my reason to continue. They are the people who I can say I truly love. I admit I get tempered easily but if you take everything I say to heart, you won't truly understand my personality. I honestly forget I have to mold my personality to others. I can't be myself. I can't be a loud and obnoxious little son of a bitch because that is frowned upon. Like shit. I dont need to change for anyone else. Cept half the things I say are portrayed as sassy. Like fuck. Don't like me. I'm not expecting you to like me. I'm not expecting us to make up. I got mad. I apologize sincerely, I can't help it if I sound sarcastic half the time. I'll try to fix my fucking tone for you. Its just...I cried today because I'm grateful. They are always there at the right times. They are always there for me. I feel apologetic I can't be there for them. Its a pain I hold inside my heart. Just thank you.

[t-uyet]

I Guess I'm Alone Again...

So its been a good week or so. And I want to confess why I cried so many tears. I felt like unwanted and forgotten, which showed to the other members. I understand that Jay always said she was with me no matter what, and I understood that. I was happy, and thats what got me through some tough times, she was always there. It’s funny because all of them know the right words to say, and I could never tell them the things I wanted to tell them. Because it was always misunderstood and things of that nature. But on that day. They were at a loss for words. They didn’t know what to say. 

That was probably the first time I saw them so flustered. I remember writing in my notebook "You should have never gotten your hopes up, you will only be disappointed." I didn’t want to believe what I wrote down was true. Yet it was. Their faces showed it all. Nothing to hide, they made it too obvious. And I was sad that was for sure. I wasn’t sad at the fact that they said it too late. I was sad that what I wrote down was true. I don’t want fancy gifts or cupcakes. I just wanted reassurance, maybe I hoped for too much. 

That was also the moment I realized that much of their lives are consumed. Jay has legs, Mika has her friend from across the world, and Guppi has ham. I now know I will always come second, because that is was their thoughts linger on the most. They can say all they want, that they forgot about it because of school. But I think I know why they forgot, because I will always come second. No matter what time or place. They will always think of them first…

Again. I want to believe what they say. But I’m a person where actions speak much louder than words.