[t0xic-waiste]

the things ive done in the super 8 on 191st:

[t0xic-waiste]

The corn is growing taller, and I'm waiting for the geese,

to stop in the same field that they do every year.

I go and I admire them and I cry

because they are so beautiful.

[t0xic-waiste]

what more can i get out of this life. how much more can this life take from me. i will never get what i truly desire.

[waltzingbi]

*me, literally sick with want* whatever

[t0xic-waiste]

it's nights like these where i want to travel to our past

take and send you pictures of the place we lost ourselves in each other, the place where we found our love

ill send you pictures of train tracks and the church we went to, you remember that night, we almost killed ourselves

you wrote about it before, but i had forgotten about it

now that im sober i remember that night,

i remember everything now

[t0xic-waiste]

I 100% believe that the good I put out into the world will come back to me. I believe that and even if it doesn't what's the harm in doing it? I may have 12 less dollars but somebody gets to eat a hot meal for the first time all day, maybe all week.

[t0xic-waiste]

i think

after what happened

ill fuck anyone

just to try to find someone who wants me and

not just sex

like he didn't

[t0xic-waiste]

to be laughed at, mocked

is something i know all too well

giggles behind my back and tears in my eyes

the high shrills of my excitement shatter peoples ears

and i cant help but apologize for my happiness

if you think my voice is annoying, how do you think i feel to have to live with it

[t0xic-waiste]

the way love looks is different now

but when i was 15, love looked like her

[t0xic-waiste]

i can image us kissing for the first time

hip bones rubbing against each others

cheeks touching cheeks

your soft lips pressed against my glittery ones

your lips look like they would fit together perfectly on mine

i don't think either of us are ready for what's about to happen next

just wait and see how i make you fall in love with me

[t0xic-waiste]

I have a scab inside my ear and i think of her every time it hurts because one time we were talking and she made me so nervous I scratched my ear until it bled.

[t0xic-waiste]

why of all women do i choose you to want,

to obsesse over, to yearn for

is it because your hair falls in perfect waves over your shoulders

or that the back of your legs entice even the deepest of my desires

is it because you have the kindest touch ive felt in years, since the first girl i loved

if you want to could you maybe teach me how to love again

could you rewrite my story so im the girl who saves the princess this time.

i don't know how much our worlds could colllide without ending in disaster,

but i think the amount of love i have for you is worth a try

[t0xic-waiste]

my beginning was not soft

i came from crisis,

i came from hands that did not hold me

with death in my lungs, i scream hate over love and death over mercy,

god, forgive me

im too young to be so tired, but im so sad that I can't sleep. cold nights alone leave me feeling weak. my heart no longer melts, it just crumbles

god, forgive me

i'm wasting my youth, im rotting away in my room while my old friends are living their lives just fine without me and I've drowned everyone I've ever loved and it feels like I'm drowning too and I'll never be enough for anybody

god, forgive me

i've never been good on my own, and i stumble every time i try to run till all the air is gone from my lungs

whirlwinds of words from suicide notes are built up in my brain, but i know somewhere deep down that life is worth living and love is worth giving

god, forgive me

i get so high my bones rattle in my aching body that hasnt slept in days. i thank the sky for the comedown. then go on living as if i hadn't just spent the last two days half dead.

god, forgive me

but god, please know that i'm not the same anymore. i've grown like vines up a wall. i am as precious as all the bugs i save and all the stories I've heard. i am as good as the next and better than the last. i forgive myself.

[t0xic-waiste]

i choose to see the good in the world and in the people around me. it might be hard to see the light in all the darkeness, but maybe you just need to open your eyes a bit wider.

[t0xic-waiste]

he's a mistake i'm letting myself make

[t0xic-waiste]

please don't leave me

if feels like i just got you back

[t0xic-waiste]

summer 2018

I dont know how we both fit on that twin size mattress of hers we share every weekend

I get overheated easily and i have to turn the fan on

it blows around the sweet smell of lavender and smoke that fills her room

and I know planning for the future is dangerous but when I see her I cant help but think of living with her in our studio apartment with all our cats and getting to fall asleep with her every night in a hopefully bigger bed

and i love her how i love the rain, i love it when it's here but don't miss it when it's gone

and so i love her like that, but isn't it enough?

[t0xic-waiste]

if i could do it all over again, i would do it right