#!perse

[haknyeonrk]

surprise LIVE ! per_se : 1 YEAR!!! ILY!!!

initially he had planned to write a long and cheesy instagram post. yet that didn’t seem like enough to convey his gratitude to the fans –– words were powerful, but he’s sure that they’d probably at least like to see his face. now that their promotions are over, they don’t exactly have a schedule packed for the month to actually meet their fans, and haknyeon thinks it’s about time he’s started doing more vlives. 

he takes a moment to think about what to title it, but settles on something simple and straightforward. “1 year!! ily!!!” he smiles and clicks start. it’s much different than an instagram live, because the hearts begin pouring in and haknyeon stares into the camera for a good few seconds, unknowing if anyone’s gonna watch. but they do and he smiles as he looks at the numbers increasing. he begins to read the comments.

“oppa, are you just going to stare at the camera? say something!”

immediately he turns to look at the camera, away from the comments and laughs shyly. “oh! sorry! i was really fascinated!” he laughs. at that he clasps his hands together and notices that the viewer count has increased, there’s a good number of people watching him now.

“everyone! it’s our one year already!” he beams, and he claps his hands together, smiling wide. “can you believe it’s already been one year with per_se? i wanted to celebrate it with all of you, that’s why i decided to do this vlive!” he continues, and he watches as the number of hearts continue to increase. “it’s something really special to me, and something that i think could only be achieved thanks to our fans! i can say thank you a million times but it’ll never be enough,” his words are sincere as he speaks, and he knows they aren’t face-to-face, but he hopes that his genuine gratitude can reach them. “i was going to write a long... cheesy... instagram post... but i wanted to be able to share this moment with all of you!” he smiles.

from the corner of his eye he spots a comment that says “do you miss hugo?” but he ignores it –– he has to. he’s not too sure if he’s allowed to speak on it, if the company might come after him if he does. it’s not exactly a situation that he can speak so candidly about.

the vlive proceeds, and haknyeon continues to read other comments. “what have you been doing lately?” a comment asks.

“me? i’ve been practicing of course~ i’ve been working really hard on my rapping and dancing and singing too! i want to make sure ceo hyunbin doesn’t call me a terrible singer!” he adds the last part cheekily, referring back to when the ceo had called him a terrible singer on television. it’s not as though hyunbin would watch these vlives, right? he’s sure a little playful jab wouldn’t hurt. 

another comment catches his attention. 

“i didn’t know you were friends with anna!” 

he smiles as he answers, “we are! anna noona and i went to the same highschool! she’s a year older than me and we didn’t see each other much in highschool since she was a trainee back then, but we got a lot closer after i debuted! she’s a dependable senior!” 

“are you close to convex?”

“definitely! i have a few friends in convex~ we’re buddies!” he smiles widely. it’s always fun to talk about his friends, and the friendships he’s made. “sang–– ah, link, haru, micha and i were actually all in a dance crew before we became trainees. it’s crazy right? then i became a trainee, and then link hyung, then micha, then haru... then we all debuted! they’re really close friends of mine! and they’re really talented too! how can i not be a consta when they have so many handsome members right?” he cheekily raises his eyebrows. “ah... but my bias is actually jinwook sunbaenim,” he laughs before he makes a heart with his hands. “jinwook sunbaenim, i love you!”

more comments continue to flow in, and it’s getting a little tough for him to read them one by one. but he notices the interest in his idol friends, and decides to speak about it.

“other idols i’m close to? i’m really close to de:code’s shion and a.c! jihoonie... seonho...” he calls out their name playfully. “i remember crying at jihoon’s graduation because i was sad that he was leaving school! super embarrassing right? but that’s how close we were,” he smiles fondly at the memories, and makes a mental note to check on jihoon. “and i’m really close to seonho too! we have a lot of history together,” he smiles, but ends it at that –– he isn’t going to disclose just how much history they have of course.

“of course i’m close to and*roma! they’re our sister group!” he says with a smile. “darae noona is like my nova mum! she took such great care of me when i first entered nova, i’ll forever be grateful to her!” he beams. “speaking of which, and*roma just had a comeback so be sure to listen to the song lots! i’ve been listening to it nonstop because it’s so good,” he holds up his phone and shows the and*roma album that he’s liked on melon. “and*roma is the best!” at that, he puts a thumbs up.

“if darae is your mum, then is hui your dad?”

haknyeon laughs out loud before he nods his head. “yes! you are one hundred percent correct!” the accuracy in that statement has him giggling a little more. “actually, let me tell you a funny story about hui hyung and i! when i first entered the company, hui hyung was like... a legend! like a legend among legends in the b-boying world! so of course i had to ask him to practice with me and help me train, right?” the comments begin pouring in with yes huidong oppa is a legend! and haknyeon nods. “and once while we were training, he was teaching me how to do this trick. it was really tough, but after trying a few times i got it! i was so happy and excited that i looked up at him and i said thanks dad! i called hui hyung dad!” he’s giggling as he tells the story, his encounter with hyung. he doesn’t think he’s shared this story anywhere else before, but what better time to share it then now during his vlive, right? “that was so embarrassing! and he just looked at me all surprised,” at this, he attempts to imitate huidong’s expression at that time, but he’s still laughing. “hui appa, hui appa,” he adds, smiling as he reads the comments, most of which were full of laughter. 

“i actually have a lot of funny anecdotes with all the members! like that one time jungwoo hyung and i got matching couple bracelets but we lost them and had to get new ones! and when i accidentally back hugged ricky hyung when i was still a newer trainee! that was actually quite scary,” he shudders a little, “but we’re closer now of course! and when hosung hyung and i went on an adventure in morocco!” these are fond memories of his, and he almost lets slip a memory he’s shared with hugo, but catches himself before doing so. 

he’s careful not to let his expression slip, and quickly he turns back to the comments. 

“can you say i love you noona?”

haknyeon reads the comment out loud and looks at the camera. “okay! be sure to record this alright?” he smiles. “noona, i love you!” he says, before he continues. “and for our male fans, hyung, i love you!” lifting both his arms, he makes a heart shape over his head.

“hyung loves you a lot junju”

he giggles at the comment and makes a heart finger. “i love you more hyung!” he says, scrunching his nose in an attempt to cutely show how serious he was at loving. 

another comment immediately catches his attention, and at this haknyeon bursts into laughter.

“5 hyunbin sajangnims or a 5 year old hyunbin sajangnim?”

he’s laughing as he reads the comment. usually you’d expect to see this question about the members but seeing one about your ceo is something he honestly didn’t think would happen. 

“ah... do i have to answer this? i’d rather not...” he replies. “it’s so funny just thinking about it. imagine me bowing 90 degrees to a five year old and greeting him with hello sajangnim!” he laughs. the image itself is funny to just think about. “for this... pass!”

haknyeon continues to read the comments, unaware of how much he’s been talking –– mostly because he’s having such a great time communicating with the fans. 

“put on some filters!”

“filters?” he repeats, fiddling with the screen. “ah... here we are!” he begins to play with a bunch of them, from a cat filter, to one of him in a beret, to a filter of him as a dinosaur. 

he opens his mouth wide, like how a dinosaur would and smiles. “this is how much i love you!” he says, and he attempts to open his mouth even wider, only to accidentally choke on his own spit. 

there’s a lot more talking during the vlive, most of which is full of haknyeon thanking the fans, and sharing stories that he can remember. like how nervous he was during their debut, and how happy he was when they celebrated his birthday with him. it’s only when a notification saying “your phone is at 20%” pops up, does he gasp a little.

“everyone! i didn’t realize i’ve been on vlive for so long!” he says, blinking at the screen. “i had so much fun talking to you that i didn’t notice how fast time flew by!” he smiles at the screen, glad to have spent his time talking and communicating with the fans. “i wish i could stay and talk for another hour but the phone is running out of battery! and i need to go back and practice,” he pouts a little at this, but he knows that he has to train. “thank you so much for loving per_se! we only made it to this one year milestone because of you guys! please look forward to what else we have in store!” he reaches out for the phone and feels a little sad, honestly, that he has to end this vlive. “bye bye everyone! i love you!” he kisses the screen and the live ends.

[rkrxcky]

//fruitless

he has too much time. suddenly, there is too much free time on his hands, too many hours cooped up in an apartment with four - no, five again - other members, all of them without anything to do or anywhere to go. he has no sympathy for their new member, no inclination to break his cold reputation now for some new face sent in to replace hugo’s, not even when he knows the strenuous, albeit unofficial, rehearsal schedule they’ll all have just to get this stranger they’ve never met acclimated to the group, to complex choreographies, to nova itself, as if he’s been here all along.

but he hasn’t. yuchan doesn’t know him. nobody knows him or who he is or what he can do, other than rap. there is no trust, not from yuchan, who already sometimes doubts the dedication from his fellow members who have been here from the beginning. so why should he put his trust in a stranger, just because he happens to be sharing a room with him (and why does he have to move into his room anyway?). 

yuchan isn’t stupid, not about the industry at least; he knows that much about himself. he knows two months of nothing after the loss of a member is a bad sign, replacement or none. it isn’t just two months of no per_se, it’s two months of no individual activities, no unit schedules, no radio shows or variety shows or interviews or photo shoots or ad campaigns. radio silence, in every sense of the phrase. 

cw: allusions to an eating disorder ; panic attacks ; debt

they can’t compete with no activities, they can’t break even with no checks to earn. hemorrhaging money, that’s the phrase they always use in the movies, or in contract rooms, or in law offices. he’s hyper aware of it with every meal they eat, with every hour the air conditioning cools the apartment, with every grocery run or snack break. it makes his own meals start to feel stressful again, they way they used to before he started seeing a company-sponsored doctor...another glaring contractual expense that will undoubtedly see his own individual earnings further in the red.

how is everything? how are you? are you eating? his mother’s texts and calls and video chats are still regular. good, fine, yes, are always his answers. in reality everything is in shambles, he is a basket case, and food feels like an unnecessary expense when the ship is sinking around him.

he watches convex’s don’t wanna cry and he can’t help it, the thought that crosses his mind, the fleeting recollection of a notice hung on every bulletin board across samsung’s building in seocho: that could have been him. it’s a pang in his chest, because back then, it was unwavering loyalty to and unmoving faith in nova, in his future with the company. now, he sees job security he cannot relate to in stunning choreography and sharp synchronicity and handsome faces that he probably wouldn’t have to carry on his back through every dance rehearsal. the comments, as to be expected, as they should be, are glowing and frantic and impossible to keep up with at the rate they fly across his screen. 

how are you? are you healthy? do you need money? his brother is a little more straightforward, a little more blunt, sounds more and more like their father all the time (their father, meanwhile, seems appeased by the news relayed to him through their mother). fine, yes, no, are yuchan’s answers for him. physically, he is perfectly fine, so perhaps the lie about his health is half true. certainly he needs money, but there is too much pride coursing through his veins to admit it, especially when he knows his brother must be up to his neck in medical school expenses and the lingering costs of the months-old marriage he now boasts on his left ring finger. 

he doesn’t know how to tell his family that he is terrified, that he thinks he has failed, somehow, that his own individual auditions have been fruitless, that he fears the news any day now that the gamble nova took on per_se isn’t salvageable, that he will be sent back to busan disgraced and indebted and forgotten.

panic. that is the word for the feeling welling up in him like a broken water main. he succumbs to it for the first time in months, slipping out of an impromptu dance practice after he feels himself losing patience with the pace at which they’re moving as a group, and into a bathroom stall, as he is so accustomed to doing. panic, because, what if, by some horrible miracle, everything, all of it, seven and a half years, was for absolutely nothing? or, perhaps, less than nothing?

he feels like he might vomit, but he never does, staring into an unforgiving toilet bowl until he starts to see a certain number of zeroes staring back out at him in his mind, the same amount of zeroes on his artist contract, like eyes watching him drown in midair. 

panic.

eventually it subsides, but only just: only enough that he can breathe again. but it isn’t entirely gone. it is still there grating on his consciousness, tensing his jaw, tightening his muscles, straining his nerves. he doesn’t speak to anyone for the rest of the day, save to their manager, and to huidong, in short, clipped phrases, lest he lose his temper in the direction of the wrong person. his stomach is still turning and the numbers are still ticking in his head, so he downs a hastily mixed protein shake and disappears into his room.

perhaps he will find some reprieve in sleep. perhaps there will be no panic when his eyes finally slip shut and body settles into the mattress.

or, as is more likely, he’ll be left to contemplate his panic alone, as it glues itself to the back of his eyelids, to stay.

[haknyeonrk]

. . . 페르세 JUNJU COVER - TROYE SIVAN STRAWBERRIES & CIGARETTES 

it’s vivid in his mind, the words that hyunbin had said to him during the supernova project, when he was on the cusp of elimination. 

“ your vocals are just terrible. ”

the survival show may have been more than a year ago, but the words that had left the ceo’s lips weren’t something that haknyeon could easily forget. he’d clung onto them, and had trained non stop. even after the competition, even after being picked to debut, even after debuting, he’d still continued focusing on his vocals. 

his position is that of a rapper, and most might know him as such, but the last time he’d properly sung was during the supernova project, and the last thing he wants is for people to have that as the memory of his vocal ability. he’d like to think that he’s improved a lot more, that he was no longer the vocal hole of the group (even if he didn’t need to sing any lines in any of their songs, or belt out the high notes). at the very least, he must’ve improved some bit... right? if not, how could they have given him the okay to post a cover.

he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous, but even more so if he said he wasn’t excited to show this newer image of himself, to reveal just how much he’d improved, that he was no longer that terrible singer that hyunbin said he was. 

when he debuted, haknyeon told himself that he’d work hard to make his fans proud, so that they wouldn’t be embarrassed to like an idol like him. he was doing this for himself, and them.

he sits in the recording studio and holds onto his guitar. he’s shown himself playing the piano before during the mgas, but he’s not too sure if he’s ever played the guitar anywhere else for the public to see.

taking in a deep breath, he gently strums his guitar, before he turns to look at the staff. “i’m ready,” he smiles.

his fingers meet the strings of the guitar as he begins to sing.

“ remember when we first met...? ”

he begins to sing. he’d chosen a troye sivan song, particularly one used in the movie love, simon, and in all honesty he’d wanted to cover it last month ( hint hint, the month of june for various reasons ), but he’d been too afraid that he wasn’t at a competent level to show his skills yet, and had held it off till july.

as he sings, he can only hope that the months of training he’d put into his vocals show, the lack of sleep he’d forced upon himself to learn how to hit high notes, and the bruises he’d gotten from squeezing his stomach in an attempt to vocalise better, would be evident.

“ long nights, daydreams sugar and smoke rings, i've been a fool but strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you ” 

his lips tilt upwards into a smile, as he pours himself into the song. the song then transitions itself into korean lyrics, as he continues singing, adding a little bit of his own take into the song. 

it isn’t a long cover by any means, but it’s one that he’d worked hard on, hoping to share with his fans. as the song comes to an end, haknyeon slowly strums the guitar before he smiles shyly. 

“thank you,” he says, voice calm.

[haknyeonrk]

warm welcome

@rkvok

it hadn’t really been too much of a surprise to him when they’d announced that per_se would have a new addition. with how rap heavy some of their songs could get, it wasn’t as though haknyeon could carry them alone, so it made sense to him that they’d add another rapper. 

the other members, admittedly, weren’t quick to open up, and haknyeon understands that. truth be told, he’d been a little distant in the beginning as well, but haknyeon’s never been the kind of guy to stay that way for long. they were going to be a team, and teams had to work well together to succeed. the last thing he wants is for moonbok to feel out of place for simply being new, and simply being picked as the new addition. he’d attempted to get closer to moonbok, invited the boy to rap practice sessions and to have meals together, after all, it was the least he could do to give him a warmer welcome. 

he’d invited moonbok to practice a few verses with him in the practice room once again, claiming that synergy between the two rappers would be important. it’s when they take a short break does he walk towards his bag and pulls out a tangerine.

“hyung!” he says, turning to moonbok. “i remember you mentioned the tangerines before... so i asked my mum to send me some to share with you,” he says, taking a seat beside the older boy. he unpeels the tangerine for moonbok before offering it to the older boy, “here, for you,” he smiles. he takes a bite of his own tangerine and turns to look at moonbok. “is it hard?” he asks, voice gentle. “i know some of the other members haven’t quite open up yet,” he continues, “if they’re ever being too tough on you, you can come to me and i’ll scold them okay? give them some maknae fury,” he says jokingly, an attempt at lightening up the mood. “but really, they’re nice guys, i promise,” he smiles.

[haknyeonrk]

... PER_SE ┊ new member + new role !

he’d stood in the practice room, eyes wide as their coach spoke. “junju,” his name had been uttered and haknyeon could only look at him. “will no longer be per_se’s lead rapper.” what? what? what did that mean? he feels himself start to panic; were they shuffling members? did he do something? his eyebrows furrow and he feels like throwing up. “congratulations, you’ve been promoted to main rapper.” at that, he lets out the biggest sigh of relief, breath a little shaky. haknyeon had never quite thought of himself as immensely talented –– sure he could do things above average, but he’d always thought that there was room for improvement. he smiles as the coaches around him start to clap, and bows. “thank you,” he says, but there’s a sort of emptiness he feels, because that was once hugo’s place. and in truth, he still missed the older boy. though, with him taking on the role of main rapper... that meant somebody else would take on the role of lead rapper. ricky? “but that’s not the only announcement we’ll be making for today.”

but a boy walks into the practice room and immediately it clicks. the boy looks familiar and it had taken haknyeon a moment before he recognized him, someone that was once on the mgas with him –– a show from two years ago. the show that had gotten him to where he was, signed with nova and then a debut a year later. he nibbles on his top lip as he looks at the boy, silent. he wonders what the other members are thinking at this moment.  

a new member, that meant many things. he’s seen it happen to other groups before, but maybe a little too naively, he’d thought that it was something that would never happen to them. after all, they were formed on a survival show, right? it hadn’t been easy to get them together, to debut in what was now known as per_se.

it doesn’t feel quite real. at least, not yet. it had taken them a while to fully accept hugo’s departure, after all, he had played a huge role within per_se, not just as a rapper, but as a friend and someone that haknyeon knew he could count on. a part of him had thought that the company would perhaps give them a newer member, though he hadn’t thought that they’d do it so soon. that and his new position meant many things.

he looks at the boy and smiles, nodding his head as a greeting. this meant a new journey for per_se, and a new journey for junju. “nice to meet you,” he says, nodding his head once more. “welcome to per_se.”

[haknyeonrk]

truth

@jungwoork

their schedules slowly begin to get a little more and more packed with variety shows, and etc, as they ease themselves into the industry. something that haknyeon is thankful for –– it’s always great to have something to do. the more schedules, the better, really. and it’s actually been a while since he’s last had a schedule alone with jungwoo. or this might actually be their first schedule together as a duo without the other members.

haknyeon thinks of jungwoo as one of his closest friends, a best friend, even. they were both pretty similar in age and he found himself easily going along with whatever jungwoo did, and sharing whatever concerns he had with the other. still, with more schedules came the lack of time for the both of them to truly sit down and simply just... talk things out. it wasn’t as though there was anything between them that needed fixing ( at least, haknyeon didn’t think so ); but the last time he’d spoken seriously to jungwoo, the older boy had professed his attraction towards another man ( man, still unknown to haknyeon ). and whilst haknyeon was nosy in his own right, he didn’t exactly want to push jungwoo for answers. even though he really wanted to know. 

ever so curious, he’d spent the last few weeks watching jungwoo. his eyes always trailing the older boy and his gaze in an attempt to figure out who exactly had caught his heart. from the little deduction that he’d made, haknyeon was sure that it was either a) a staff member or b) his worst fear –– a member. and through his sort of discreet observations, he was worried that perhaps it had been option b all along.

there was perhaps no better time to confirm his suspicions than now, seated in the waiting room before filming began. “hyung,” he says, turning to look at the older boy. “there’s something i’ve been meaning to ask you,” there isn’t really any smooth way to ask this, and haknyeon doesn’t think that there need be any, really.  “remember the last time we spoke... when you told me about... someone you liked,” his voice is soft, so as to not attract the attention of anyone around them. thankfully, the staff seem pre-occupied with something else altogether. “i might just be overthinking this,” he shrugs, and he really does hope he’s wrong, “but it’s a member, isn’t it?”

[haknyeonrk]

STARTING THE VIDEO! PER_SE: 사랑해용 ~ 

            INTRODUCING ... PER_SE !              ( aka hui and the five kids )

stan per_se and you’ll never be bored again! #STREAM_FANFARE

[haknyeonrk]

better

@rkhuidong

haknyeon’s heard of it before from his seniors, moments when an artist just knows. when they listen to something and it changes them, when they realize that wow, this is it. and whilst per_se have had a few songs released already that haknyeon did quite enjoy, he’d never actually felt like that with any of their songs. it wasn’t as though he disliked the previous songs they’d released –– he’d just hadn’t gotten that feeling that his seniors spoke of.

that is, of course, until they’re made to listen to their next comeback song. o sole mio. it feels new, like something that hasn’t been done before, that’ll probably put them on the map. this, he thinks, must be what his seniors had meant when they spoke of that feeling.

he sits in the practice room, replaying his part a few times when he spots huidong. “hyung!” he looks up excitedly at the older boy and waves his hands in greeting. “i was just listening to our comeback song! it’s really good isn’t it?” he beams, eyes practically glistening. “i feel like... the concept this time is... mature sexy. cool sexy... cool, mature, sexy, dudes... and the song is so good!” his smile only growing wider as he speaks.