#||tw: depression

[fmdalyssia]

So BC pple---let's get this trainee thing down and out!

Alyssia’s Trainee Period: June of 2007 to June 3, 2010

Timeline for Alyssia: 

Middle of 2007 (Probably Around June of 2007) she got accepted into BC as a trainee.

Known to be one of the more standoffish trainees, more timid, shy and refusing to speak to others. 

Went by her real name Da-hee from like June 2007 to Mid 2009 as a trainee.

Da-hee was known to be very reclusive and with social problems as a trainee -- people found it difficult to make friends because she was always invisible, or she made herself so quiet and silent that no one noticed her.

Her other issues and problems (TW: ptsd, skinship issues, panic attacks etc) started probably around Mid-2008, maybe you’re one of the people that witnessed her issues as a trainee (probably a little more towards if you’re a BEE member)

Mid-2008 to Mid 2009, Da-hee was in a bad place because her condition worsened, and BC considered dropping her from the lineup because of her problems. 

Mid 2009, Da-hee abandons her own self and comes up with the more sexy and confident Alyssia. She’s laughs more, is bright and quirky, and has a slightly pervertic side that people can now tell quite obviously. She voluntarily talks to people 

June 3rd  2010 -- she debuts as part of BEE

Plot Ideas: 

You’re one of the pple that witnessed her ptsd, panic attacks and depression, skinship issues etc. (she has a lot of problems, so these are just some of it all)

You heard rumours of her being dropped, because she disappeared for a long while from practice because she was being sent to the psychiatrist for help with her issues

You saw the change betw. Old Da-hee and this new person called Alyssia, you wonder why she doesn’t use her old name anymore

Alyssia gets mad when you call her Da-hee

You two were friends when she was Da-hee and you didn’t like the change.

You’re one of those who heard her sing instead of the rapping bc made her do, and thought she had a great voice

Someone who she borrowed money from back then because she had to give part of her allowance to her extorting father, and didn’t have enough for herself to last for the month

Someone that she had a physical relationship with back in mid 2009 to 2010 secretly because she was trying to build up more confidence abt her body and so she turned to physical intimacy

Someone that she rooms or hides out with instead of going back to the dorms because she feels guilty she’s such a burden on her unnies

Someone who teaches her dancing -- Alyssia is not particularly talented in dancing nor rapping, but bc wants her to be, so she has to be.

Someone to teach her rapping -- Alyssia’s groove in rapping wasn’t always that good, in fact you had to guide her through finding her own groove in rapping.

[fmdalyssia]

【random text to unknown 💌】i feel like shit.

【random text to unknown 💌】do you ever get tired of being who you are and just want to disappear

【random text to unknown 💌】 and tears are both bitter and salty, i realised.

【random text to unknown 💌】 haven’t cried in ten years, i can’t believe i broke that dry spell just now--

【random text to unknown 💌】 and i can’t sleep. 

【random text to unknown 💌】 the monsters in my dreams came back again. and i totally woke up screaming and can’t go back to sleep

[fmdalyssia]

Title: In Stagnation: [Self Para]

Context: Alyssia has been feeling down even with the liveliness of her comeback and endlessly packed schedules. Emotionally vulnerable, she evaluates her (Or at the very least in her own eyes) friendless self.

Word Count: 747 words

Triggers: Insomnia, Depression, Mentions of Past Abuse, Slight Blood

Its supposed to be the busiest time of the year for Alyssia, but honestly, she’s never felt quite so relaxed ever before. With the endless amount of schedules chasing after her feet, the back to back promotions and variety shows that were potentially on the list for BEE to shoot, Alyssia should have felt like a busy bee, frantic and absolutely trashed out due to the abnormal hours of sleeping and waking.

But she felt empty.

The rustle of the soft breeze from the fan in her silent room ghosted over her, like the faintest breeze, the chime of her phone in the dark shadows causing her to turn her head, hair rustling gently against the soft pillow.

3am. Her fingers glided over the screen of the phone, long lashed eyes dull and deadened. She had to be up in two hours time.

Unlike all the other times that she couldn’t sleep much earlier due to late night schedules, this was entirely different. BEE’s schedule had ended much earlier than she anticipated today, and as she turned the key to the door of her house, letting the door crash open as though to announce to the empty apartment that she was home, Alyssia felt nothing but a heavy burden that sank onto her shoulders. Heavy. Depressive. Terrifying.

Perhaps what was truly terrifying was not that she was bloody depressed. But more of the fact that she felt nothing, not even a slightest twinge in her chest, even when recalling back her worst memories of her still existing family.

There had only been one other time that she’d felt very much like this. The familiar feeling of hopelessness filling her bones with an ache that she could never avoid. It reminded her of the person that she was before BC had reached out and insisted she audition to become a star—the time where she cowered under her father’s oppressive fingers, his wild, violent tendencies and terrifying monstrous behaviour.

Alyssia felt the glass of water in her hand strain within her grip at that thought.

Hadn’t she sworn to herself that she would never allow herself to wallow so deep in such a pit again? So why was she even feeling this deep in her chest?

Why—why..the glass slips from her palm, crashing to the floor and nicking her foot as she shifted lightly, glancing at the cut on her foot with detached eyes. Everything that was happening to her, these lack of emotions, these depressive feelings—it was affecting her own performance. There was no need for others to tell it to her straight in her face. She could feel it. As though she was a stranger and not in her own body. The expressionless contours of her face that failed to jerk up into a smile even at the wildest of pranks, of jokes, and the icy atmosphere that always seemed to exude whenever someone asked a question that she failed to answer.

She was failing. Miserably.

Ten years as an idol and she was fading like a star in the night sky, light winking out as she lost its spark.

Funny how she seemed to be the youngest, but yet was the easiest to fall into a slump…huh? Alyssia thought to herself mockingly as she taped up her wound, pulling the glass shard from the cut and reaching for the vacuum cleaner to suck up the remnant shards.

She needed to do something about it—but really what could she do? Alyssia ran a hand through her hair, a flash of agony passing through her face as she stared at the dark screen of her phone.

She didn’t really have friends. Sooyeon was probably busy with her own schedules, and alas, she had no one to confide to all on her own. Maybe Hyeju? No—Alyssia sucked in a breath as she refuted that thought immediately. Many of her idol friends, few as they were—had issues of their own. She shouldn’t let something as little and as minor as losing inspiration to continue down her path as an idol affect them in their peak and their youth..right?

Her slender hand retracted from the phone, pulling back almost abruptly as she stood from her seat, abandoning the communication device to walk towards her room.

She’d cope with it all by herself. Just like she had always did.

Afterall, no one really did hear her cry of help.

Even when she did hint at it.