#(awkward pause...)

[vishnuvenugopal]

Chipster - One Year

It's been a full year since it happened. It was around this time that I got the call that made me check and see what happened. To see if someone could tell me what had been going on. I saw I had two messages on facebook, one from Deepika and one from Ms. Kidle. Deeps was a little more cryptic, asking if I heard what had happened, but Ms. Kidle's really hit home.

I found out you had died on facebook. Facebook.

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Vishnu: is this true about Chip Switzer? I'm sitting here completely in shock.

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That's when I started to realize what had happened. I was in utter disbelief. There was no way anything could have happened to you of all people right?

You texted me the week before. Completely out of the blue. About your philosophies on love.

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“There is a madness to love, but there is a method to madness, so does that mean there is a method to love?”

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I didn't know how to react. First Nathan, then Erica, and suddenly, 6 months later, it was you. I couldn't believe it. I went and shot baskets with Peter and Mao Mao and then met Ashleigh. Everything just sort of melted away in the emotional rawness of what had happened.

Next thing I knew, Bre Murphy contacted me saying that she had this idea and that I should meet her in Cadena's room. Within two days we had a bunch of pictures, two letters and a slideshow with your music to send to your family for the funeral.

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I'm sorry that I didn't try harder to push for the benefit concert. The idea was there, but we just couldn't get a big enough group of people behind it to put it together. Regardless, I could have done more and I feel awful that I didn't. It was the first time that I saw a split in my fraternity though, so I guess I should thank you for that. They're good people, they're just all trying to find themselves too I guess.

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It's strange to think that you would have been coming back this summer from Germany and we would have been hanging out and talking about life and love and loss and everything if you were still here. Instead, I'm sitting in a hotel room in New York with my critical brother listening to him tell me to stop being stupid and make a decision about what I want to do now.

I just can't tell him that I'm writing this though. I don't think he'd understand. 

You were someone I always looked to for guidance and encouragement, Chip. You always made me feel like no matter what else was happening, things were gonna end up ok. After you passed, it took me a long time to get that feeling back again, but I'm there now, at least most of the time.

You taught me so much. And I really do feel incredibly blessed to have been able to know you. If I am ever able to make the impact I want in the world, you should know that I'll be carrying you with me wherever I go.

I love you, man. And even though the pain seems to be gone, I miss you every day.

-Vishnu

[vishnuvenugopal]

[vishnuvenugopal]

I called you an asshole tonight

and I think it got taken out of context, because honestly, you were never anything but kind and loving to me, but you always had that side of you that loved to joke around. I guess everyone in the room knew you well enough to know that you were only joking though, so the asshole thing just made me look like an asshole, but whatever.

I think I'm finally at a point where I can post on your wall, and it's sad that that is what I'm going to be doing to finally tell you all the things that have been running through me (aside from the letter), but things make a little more sense now. 

I think I'm finally going to start living my life the way you would have told me to. The way you did tell me to.

And Mckaig hit the nail on the head tonight. I think the reason I feel so much loss, and so lost in general now is because we were part of a family. And now you're gone. And we have to pick up the pieces and move on.

It's the same reason I felt this way with Nathan. It was a different family, but we'd lost a member there too.

Tonight was hard. We discussed, and I had to bite back tears and I was so close to losing it so many times that I couldn't really speak to anything that directly had to do with your impact on me. I couldn't look at Sarah. I couldn't look at McKaig. I picked a spot and just focused on it and tried to talk like that the whole time.

But there were so many memories. So many laughs. So many great fucking times.

And we'll always have them. So we'll always have you.

I love you, Chip. And I miss you even more. 

[vishnuvenugopal]

1,000

Wow. 1,000 posts. I feel like this should be a lot more momentous than it is (given that a majority of my posts, especially lately, have been reblogs of other photos (usually Emma Watson and Donald Glover)). I'm gonna try to even it out with some text posts if I can, especially since pledge is done and the school year is done for me (essentially) on Friday.

If you read that last sentence and were like, "Wait, did he just say pledge? Like a fraternity? What...?" then the answer is yes. If you weren't like that, fuck you congratulations. Have a cookie. (I'm sorry if my humor offends, I really do love you all. <3 :) )

At the beginning of this year, I was approached by a good friend of mine from high school, his name is Gautam, and another not-so-good friend, Anish, who I just don't take seriously. They're both really good guys, especially Gautam, who sort of filled the void left by my brother a couple years after he left. 

They asked me to pledge this fraternity, Omega Gamma Pi. Of course, I had no intention of doing so (I mean my name and the word frat don't really associate) and I still remain against the widely held concept of fraternities, but this one was different.

This isn't me being an elitist, this isn't me trying to be different, and this isn't me trying to justify this to myself or to you. OGP is the reason there's a difference between the words "frat" and "fraternity." 

The reason I agreed to pledge is because I felt bad. Gautam looked at me and i just felt terrible (he also told me he would never talk to me again). I figured I would give it a chance per my parents approval.

Surprisingly, they were cool with it and there wasn't any argument at the beginning (that changed when they felt like I was spending way too much time with pledge). I'm not allowed to disclose what we did during the process, though it was a dry pledge and did nothing but test our character individually and as a line (as well as some physical stuff). Two of our line brothers dropped, one for his own reasons, and another because of reasons we still can't be completely sure of, but I gained some good friends through the process.

One of the other reasons I agreed to stay with the process was because of something that happened only a few days into our pledge term.

Justin Farooq is a brother of OGP. Two days into our pledge, his brother, Nathan, was killed in a car accident, as most of the people who will take the time to read this know. It was hard on those of us who really knew Nathan, but it hit Justin, obviously, a lot harder. Seeing the way that every single one of the brothers came to his side to support him and to let him know that they were there to do anything for him spoke volumes to me. Any doubts I had about the character of these guys was immediately erased. One thing I knew I came out of that weekend with was a group of people I knew I was lucky to have around me for as long as I'm here at U of M. 

Crossing was a great feeling. It solidified the fact that we accomplished something this semester. That morning, at 5:15, on about 4 hours of sleep over a 5 day period, I can proudly say that I gained 42 brothers. Forty-two guys who I know will have my back. Fourty-two people who I feel close to, even those I haven't met yet because they had to go through all of the crap I had to during pledge. 

I have so much time now, that I don't know what to do with it. I have to start getting down to business and studying (because honestly I haven't done that at all this year), and I feel confident that I can. I've learned a lot this semester, and most of that was because of pledge. 

I apologize for the length of the post, and if you read it all, thank you. This is my thousandth post, which honestly doesn't mean anything, but it's only the beginning. Thank you to those of you who have looked at my blog and decided that I was worth following. I hope I haven't disappointed. I'm sorry if I ever come off as an ass. I tend to do that a lot.

Much Love.

And with that, I leave you.

Peace & Love,

V

P.S. (awkward pause...) is going on tour today in 19 minutes! So jealous! Have a great time guys!