I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was twenty years old in Cintra. I walk into the tavern one day, and they had a bard there, okay? Obviously not me, I’m eating! But also not a bloated troubadour such as Valdo Marx. An okay bard. A bard that will play whatever you want him to play for 10 ducats. So I give the bard 210 ducats and tell him to play Toss a Coin 21 times. And then I ordered and waited.
Here’s the thing about when, uh, Toss a Coin plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing Toss a Coin again.’ It’s ‘Toss a Coin is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing Toss a Coin again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played Toss a Coin FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright?
Now, I’m watching the entire tavern at this point, alright? I’m staring at my best friend Geralt, who has no idea what I did he’s like staring at his ale like this, and he’s been onto me since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly…
WHEN A HUMBLE BARD blares out and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, dishes flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about what a genius I was because when I first walked into the tavern, okay? When I first got there and I’m telling the bard to play Toss a Coin, alright? I tell the bard that after seven plays of Toss a Coin, I want you to play just one Fishmonger’s Daughter.
Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven Toss a Coins. In a row - It played seven times. Suddenly - Dum da dum, OH FISHMONGER-OH and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of Hochebuz and if you want to know if you can make women weep tears of joy by playing Fishmonger’s Daughter the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven Toss a Coins. It’s true. Dead honest.
And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. Fishmonger’s Daughter fade out. It’s dead quiet. WHEN A HUMBLE BARD....people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it.
Least of all my friend Geralt. He knew it was me, he had know it was me the whole time. He lunged for me, lunged right at me I tell you, across the table and for a moment I feared for my life.
They stopped the bard after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.
Jaskier as John Mulaney part 1/?
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