there's a kind of tragedy in realizing that, for the first time in your life, you don't want to die anymore, after so many years of trying and failing. ...what am i supposed to do, now that the feeling is gone? mornings are still hard. transmisogyny is still crushing. days are still painfully long. but that feeling, that want for death, for escape, the will to seek it out, is suddenly... gone. what caused it, i don't know. stopping spiro helped, i think, but that isn't all of it. the feeling was ever-present long before i started spiro or HRT at all. but, regardless, the next morning is suddenly so horribly bearable of a thought. to be honest with you? i don't know how to fill the void that feeling left behind. maybe thats the cruelest part of all this. it was a fundamental part of me, and now i'm left with the task of patching up a gaping hole in my psyche.
...now i've got a lot more days to figure that out. thats not too bad, i guess.
