i wish i could tell the version of us that grew up in such harsh conditions, and the version that went through all of that shit, that it really does get greener. that even though they dreaded leaving some of it behind, because they didn't know what was on the other side, that it was worth it. that i did it for them. that i did it for us. and it paid off in ways they never could have imagined. sometimes to restore a forest you have to burn it all down.
that person isn't around anymore, not fully, but god you would've loved it. you have picnics with your friend on sunny days, and when the picnic's over, you go back home with her, and late at night you'll gossip with her and admire the view you have from your room. Because you live with her. you have a partner who you love, who calls you every time he's off work, to talk about his day or what he wants his days to look like with you. he sends you photos of his cat and he's obsessed with horror. he's been with you for years and he loves you so much. you're about to get dressed to go to a class you're acing. next weekend you're going to see your parents for mother's day. you have a mother to celebrate, now.
i'm sorry you didn't get to see our life regrow better, bigger, brighter. i know you were just too fragile to see how it had to burn down first. if you were here, you would love it, and i carry this knowledge with me everywhere i go.