i took all day today to try and gather my thoughts and piece together how i was feeling. it’s been 12 hours exactly as i write this since i read the news about jonghyun and i’m no better able to gather my thoughts than i was then. i’m sorry to anyone who is trying to avoid reading about this anymore because i know it can be triggering for some and emotionally exhausting for most; primarily because i’ve been trying to avoid it all day and have been unable to, my eyes have been glued to my phone screen for most of the day. i’m sorry to talk about this but i can’t not talk about it, it doesn’t feel right to sit in radio silence when there’s so much going on in my head that i haven’t said yet.
in 12 hours i’m still so heartbroken. i’m still so confused. i’m still so upset.
and not even for myself, because this isn’t about me.
my heart is broken for jonghyun, who deserved the world and more. he was such a kind hearted, compassionate, passionate, sensitive, open minded and talented person. he was an absolutely incredible person and the world is a little less good without him in it.
my heart is broken for jonghyun’s family, for SHINee’s members, for his close friends and colleagues. my heart is broken for them, because it hurts me so so much and i know they must be hurting so much more than i am; because they knew him and interacted with him every day and he will be missing from their lives even more than he will be missing from mine.
my heart is broken for everyone affected by this, because i know how much you’re hurting, from myself and from one of my best friends; who is the biggest SHINee fan i know and hasn’t stopped crying all day today since she found out. i can’t say i’ve been the same but i’m crying as i write this, and i’ve been crying since i got home from work.
in 12 hours i still can’t comprehend that it’s real, that it’s happened. i know and understand the reality of the situation but some part of me just doesn’t seem to believe it; doesn’t want to believe it.
the kpop industry, and the entire world, have lost a beautiful beautiful person, and he will be missed dearly every single day by so many people.
in 12 hours i haven’t stopped thinking about jonghyun for a minute; not even for a second. i attended school, and all day all i thought about was jonghyun, from the moment i walked in the doors at 9:20 for second period to the moment i left at 2:05. i went to work, and the entire time i was there, a four hour shift from 3:00-7:00, i didn’t stop thinking about jonghyun. this has been on my mind all day, and i don’t really think it’s going to go away, at least not any time soon.
i hope he is in a better place, because he deserves it. i hope he is no longer suffering. i hope he knows how loved he is; how loved he’s always been.
to anyone out there who is struggling, i’ll say it again, please please please please reach out for help if you need it. please do not suffer in silence. you are not alone. you are loved. someone loves you. heck, I love you.
to anyone out there struggling specifically with jonghyun’s death, i am too. i am here for you. i am always here to talk if anyone needs it. again, please do not suffer on your own.
i’m going to be taking a hiatus from this account. i don’t know how long it’ll be, but seeing posts from other people and even from myself which aren’t related to jonghyun is messing with me, for some reason. i don’t feel right and won’t feel right for a while posting as if nothing has happened or everything is okay because it did happen and jonghyun has passed on, and it isn’t okay. i don’t feel right posting astro, day6, or bts, or even updating my fics, right now; and i don’t know when i will. i hope everyone who follows me can understand and i really hope you stick around because i promise i will be back, soon.
i have a queue, i believe, but it’s nearly empty and i think it’ll only last about two days. i don’t think i’m going to bother refilling it, not even that feels right, right now.
i don’t know if i’m going to work on my fics while i’m gone. i’ll definitely try, and i hope that when i come back properly i’ll have some updates but i can’t make any promises. i’ll still be on this blog, so please please message me if you need to. you might even see me lurking around because i will still need my astro updates and all my updates from the people i follow. i adore this blog and the people i follow and my mutuals and everyone who follows me and i know i won’t be able to stay away; but i think i need to, right now, because nothing feels right on here to me at the moment.
i love you all so so much. i’m so so so sorry to everyone affected by this.
rip kim jonghyun. heaven gained an angel today.
