i saw a post that said that cabin ten probably had a scoreboard of all the hearts its members have broken. i had some ideas:
tris would have one tally from the initiation ritual, no more. he despises the chart. turning love into a game? that's something he can't deal with.
now if cupid kids had something similar? you can bet that ceader would be racking up tallies fast as he can. any relationship he was in would constantly have that tally board hanging over its head. does he love you or is he just trying to one-up a sibling?
triggers: child soldiers (allusions / mentions; treated as normal), disability (mention; dyslexia & adhd), child abandonment (mentions), a quick reference to (a lack of) virginity
Freshly finished with his legion service, twenty-two year old Ceader was unsure what to do with his life. The past ten years had been legion-this and legion-that. What else was there for someone whose entire life had been the army?
"You could get a degree?" his centurion suggested as they helped him pack up his place in the barracks. It wasn't his bunk anymore—his stuff had to go. Only two boxes in and nearly everything was packed.
"And struggle worse than middle school?" Ceader huffed. "Don't even get me started on how hard high school was." It was a shame he hadn't been allowed to drop out. The curriculum was designed assuming that almost every student had ADHD and dyscalculia. It was not, however, designed with a poorly homeschooled student in mind.
He picked up two boxes, glaring at the third full of armor. Won't be needing that. Not... Not anymore.
They lasped into an awkward silence as Ceader walked out. His ex-centurion bit their bottom lip, following him out with the box of armor. "You could visit your mom." Ceader stumbled at the suggestion. "A bunch of halfbloods do. Closure for whatever their mortal parent did, getting answers about abandonment."
As a runaway, he had no abandonment issues to work out. But... He did miss his mom. She had been his only family—his only connection, really—for twelve years.
The walk from New Rome back to the middle of nowhere of Ceader's childhood home was no easy feat. Easier than the reverse when he was a tween, but harder than it would have been had the Simmons lived somewhere normal.
As it stood, their house was buried in the woods. The remote location was why it had been chosen—Camille terrified of the outside world corrupting her then-unborn son. A rational fear, he supposed, considering how Ceader turned out.
A dirty blonde woman was digging in the garden. Vegetables grew around her. Rainwater gathered in a bucket. Her feet were bare, not even socked. A handsewn dress made of handspun fabric.
Gods, nothing ever changes, does it?
Only... That wasn't true. Ceader looked down at himself. He certainly had changed. Not only had he aged—he didn't grow his own food, he didn't care for making his own clothes, he had met his father, he was a soldier, he definitely wasn't a virgin.
Her precious little boy was gone.
Not dead, but gone. Never coming back.
As he shifted backwards, ready to go back to New Rome, ready to admit this was a mistake—a stupid idea—he stepped on a twig. In the seemingly endless nothing of the woods Camille had secluded them in, such a small sound echoed.
The woman turned her head towards him. She must have caught a glimpse of his face, his stature, his jeans, whatever because the next thing he knew—
"Who's there?"
He couldn't do it. Whatever closure he had hoped this reunion would give was impossible.
What would his mother think of him? Of how he changed? Of how he lived? Of how he planned to live going forward.
Going back to all homemade and homegrown... Hiding in the middle of nowhere... None of that appealed to him.
cowering, your love hides in the dark. in shadows and under cover of night, your love runs from corner to corner, afraid to linger, afraid to be caught. afraid, afraid, afraid of everything. when you fall in love, it is with alarm bells ringing. your love is a mistake, a flaw in the code, a purchase you don’t remember making and desperately want to return. you didn’t ask for this. you didn’t want this. it’s a problem—your problem—and you would do anything to pass it off, burn it away, scoop it out of you with bare hands, or carved out with hooked knives before it can destroy you. get it out, just get it out now. you don’t care who you hurt in the process, only that you can’t afford to be hurt first. being loved by you is to be loved by a figment of the imagination. it is to be loved in halves, or not at all.
rules : share five songs that represent your muse. repost, don’t reblog!
CEADER SIMMONS, taylor swift editon
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐎𝐍𝐄. ...READY FOR IT?
knew he was a killer first time that I saw him.
wondered how many girls he had loved & left haunted.
but if he's a ghost, then i can be a phantom
holdin' him for ransom.
i see nothing better, I keep him forever
like a vendetta.
...
in the middle of the night, in my dreams
you should see the things we do, baby.
in the middle of the night, in my dreams,
i know i'm gonna be with you, so i take my time.
are you ready for it?
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐓𝐖𝐎. WE ARE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER
i used to think that we were forever, ever
& i used to say, "never say never"
ugh, so he calls me up & he's like, "i still love you"
& i'm like, "i just, i mean, this is exhausting, you know?
like, we are never getting back together, like, ever."
...
we are never, ever, ever getting back together.
we are never, ever, ever getting back together.
you go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me,
but we are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together.
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄. DON'T BLAME ME
i've been breakin' hearts a long time.
& toyin' with them older guys,
just playthings for me to use.
something happened for the first time,
in the darkest little paradise
shaking, pacin', i just need you.
...
don't blame me, love made me crazy.
if it doesn't, you ain't doin' it right.
lord, save me, my drug is my baby
i'll be usin' for the rest of my life.
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑. I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE
a new notch in your belt
is all I'll ever be
& now i see. now, i see.
...
i knew you were trouble when you walked in.
so shame on me now.
flew me to places i'd never been.
now, i'm lying on the cold, hard ground.
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄. BLANK SPACE
so it's gonna be forever,
or it's gonna go down in flames?
you can tell me when it's over,
if the high was worth the pain.
got a long list of ex-lovers,
they'll tell you i'm insane.
’cause you know i love the players
& you love the game.
STOLEN FROM: an old post
TAGGING: you if you'd like
rules : share five six songs that represent your muse.
CEADER SIMMONS
usfw content warning: sexual themes ahead, proceed at your own risk.
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐎𝐍𝐄. SEX MONEY FEELINGS DIE (SLOWED) lykke li
call you in the late night,trade love for one night.the words that you don't say
no love when you hold me.
no callin' the next day; it's a one-way.
...(sex, money, feelings, die) baby, don't you cry.
(sex, money, feelings, die) ladies on my right.
(sex, money, feelings, die) (sex, money, feelings, die)
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐓𝐖𝐎. BUNNY sofie dossi
everything was candy sweet.
i was hoodwinked when i blinked,
felt like i woke up to a real bad dream.
please, please come back to me.
...
he was my bunny
so soft & cuddly.
but every bunny hops away,
too bad my baby couldn’t stay.
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄. WORSHIP ari abdul
worship me.
make you believe.
i'm what you need.
so beg, darlin' please.
...
pretty when you say my name like that,
feel your lips trace down my neck.
darlin', don't say nothing, just breathe.
pretty when you looking up like that,
you're good on your knees.
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑. OTHER BOYS dove cameron
’cause my heart can't be satisfied
by anyone but you tonight,
& when i try, it only makes me blue.
...
why can't you want me like the other boys do?
they stare at me while i stare at you.
why can't you want me, baby, what can i do?
i don't want other boys, i just want you.
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄. BOY BI mad tsai
when my friends ask me 'bout my sexuality,
i choke up & joke that the answer's not easy.
i'm switching my preference like an on & off switch.
if i had a dime for every crush i've had i'd be rich.
...
like boy bi; girl hi
new guy; i'm bi?
i cry every time
i try to decide.
― 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐒𝐈𝐗. LOCKED OUT OF HEAVEN bruno mars
you bring me to my knees, you make me testify.
you can make a sinner change his ways.
open up your gates ’cause i can't wait to see the light
& right there is where i wanna stay.
...
’cause your sex takes me to paradise.
yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
& it shows:
’cause you make me feel like
i've been locked outta heaven.
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