I am filled with so much hope and anticipation and I wonder if tomorrow is going to be the best 9-1-1 day of my fandom life or the biggest disappointment ever.
Still thinking about why Wen Kexing didn’t tell Zhou Zishu about his oh-so-brilliant faking his own death plan, since none of their conversations in ep 34 answered this question for us…
(it’s all about the trust!)
(0. I’d thought, at first, that maybe he was expecting Zhou Zishu to see right through it. They know each other, right? A-Xu said that he knew that no matter when or how, Wen Kexing would always come back for him.
But that’s only a reason he might not need to tell him. Not a reason not to tell him, just in case.)
1. On the other hand - I think maybe he doesn’t trust Zhou Zishu not to try to stop him. This is objectively a risky plan! (‘Rile up a crowd, jump off a cliff, don’t die.’) Most of the people he got to help him don’t think ‘Wen Kexing stays alive’ is an important goal; and Chengling who… seemingly, still does… trusts both his shifu’s and his shishu’s judgements unquestioningly. (Unless they contradict each other :D.)
I think - in actuality - Zhou Zishu does respect Wen Kexing’s right to choose whether and when and how to risk his own life, and I think he’s proven that repeatedly. But I can imagine why Wen Kexing, who seems to have a less, um, ~secure attachment style~, is not so sure of this. (And, after all, look how they both snuck off to protect the other from Ye Baiyi!)
2. And. Also. He probably doesn’t know that Zhou Zishu could get his full martial abilities back by pulling out the nails in a way that’d be sure to kill him in a few days or weeks? (I didn’t know, lol). More generally… I don’t think he understands just how much Zhou Zishu depends on him to be - what he keeps living for. He knows that Zhou Zishu loves him (but even if? etc.?), he knows if he dies Zhou Zishu will be sad… but then, I guess, he imagines, Zhou Zishu will get over it.
Which is horribly unfair to Zhou Zishu! Wen Kexing himself has declared that he wouldn’t want to keep living without Zhou Zishu; why should he think that his soulmate feels any less about him?
But, again, I can understand why. Wen Kexing thinks that he is not, objectively, worthy of very much. He’s lucky that Zhou Zishu loves him at all, still keeps loving him with every new thing he’s revealed to have done… I think he still kind of thinks that luck will run out. (Well, it MIGHT, if you keep pushing it!) (I mean. I do know it won’t. But it ought to, probably, lol, that’s what I mean.) So, uh, yeah, Zhou Zishu will be sad, and then he’ll get over it, and then his life will be better, anyway, without Wen Kexing in it.
Anyway - he is disastrously wrong. Obviously. I don’t think he understands, really, how the nails are something that Zhou Zishu chose - that’s something that Wen Kexing can’t bear to think about, so he just, kind of, won’t - and I think he theoretically knows, but doesn’t really comprehend, how Zhou Zishu didn’t feel he had anything left to live for before the two of them met. And even to whatever extent he does get those things… now, Zhou Zishu has Chengling, and new disciples, and old friends brought back from an earlier life! Wen Kexing, in one way or another, pushed on or brought all these things to him! And they are more and better than Wen Kexing’s own presence - so, for sure, Zhou Zishu doesn’t need him around, anymore.
3. All of this makes a heartbreaking contrast from Zhou Zishu’s trust in Wen Kexing. He knows Wen Kexing will both let him do anything, and will do anything for him. He knows that the only thing Wen Kexing values more than Zhou Zishu’s survival is - if push comes to shove - Zhou Zishu’s own free choice in the matter. He understands how much Wen Kexing needs him, (well, Wen Kexing hasn’t been shy about it!), and…. well. Actually.
Now he’s lying to Wen Kexing! It would be the most fitting ‘punishment’ for Wen Kexing’s elaborately-crafted pretend game that he could possibly think of, if he were doing it on purpose, though I don’t think he is. He simply wants to enjoy the last few days they can have together to the fullest, and he can’t do that if the shadow of his death is hanging between them.
(There’s some lies you tell because you don’t think you’re that important to your partner; and then there’s some lies that you tell because you know just how much you are.)
I know you're chokin' on your fears
Already told you I'm right here
I will stay by your side every night
I don't know why you hide from the one
And close your eyes to the one
Mess up and lie to the one that you love
When you know you can cry to the one
Always confide in the one
You can be kind to the one that you love
