Sorry for disappearing. I'm not sure anyone will have really noticed, but we did suddenly stop posting on here for a few weeks. We had a scare in which someone found out about our system without us being the ones to tell this person. Normally, if we're going to tell someone, it's a decision we make together. This person finding out was completely out of our control. And it's someone I've worked with in the past, who knows me personally and knows me as just me. She knew nothing about my DID prior. Now she does and she hasn't said a word to me about it, but it really freaked us out and upset us regardless. Because when people I know find out without us wanting them to know, because someone else tells them, that could lead to them telling other people and it could just spread, the info. And with me trying to work my way up in the professional theatre world, I can't have too many people knowing about our system. It doesn't matter how great I am at my job. If it's between me and someone else who may not be as good, but doesn't have DID, the employer may be more likely to hire them because they may think I'm not trustworthy or stable enough. Even though DID really tends not to affect me when I'm at work. It's rare that it does. Also, when the info about us spread without our control, it could become dangerous. It could become bad very, very quickly. And that scares many of us. It was a wakeup call. The day after I was told that this person suddenly knew about us, because I was freaked out and the Littles were so scared, I made every post with photos and videos of us private. And I hate that I had to do that. Because we love posting the photos/videos for everyone to see. Especially if it helps educate people who don't understand DID. But, for now, the posts are staying private. That's why we suddenly disappeared. It was just a scary situation for us. And maybe most of us were more frightened than we should've been. But we were frightened nonetheless... In the end it's mainly our fault for posting photos/videos in the first place... Anyway...hi. We're still here, I promise. - Lizzy
Today's Charlotte's chosen birthday. :) This is the first birthday of hers that she'll have ever celebrated. She's absolutely in love with Cinderella and Mickey Mouse. This morning, I just happened to come across a live video on FB of the Magic Kingdom morning welcome at Cinderella's castle in Disney World. Charlotte came out to watch it since I knew Mickey Mouse would be in the welcome and she was in TEARS. Happy tears, of course. She also got to see Cinderella's fairy godmother, which also had her in tears. She was so, so happy. And she's still smiling inside. A good way for her to start her first chosen birthday with our family. :) The kids were all getting really excited watching the welcome video. Only Lili's really gotten to experience Disney World in regards to the Littles, so the other kids REALLY want to go. We'll go...eventually. It's just so expensive. :( At least our Disney Birthday Jar (every person who celebrates their actual birthday [ex. me, Alec, Regina and Mary, Lili, and Jenny!] or chosen birthday gets $5 on that day and gets to write down a "Disney Wish" of something they specifically want to do for themselves when we go on this trip), after just a year, has about 5% worth of a Disney trip in it. That's a start! - Lizzy
It was Angela's turn to be tucked into bed by Jenny tonight and Jenny pointed out that the shirt Spots (Angela's giraffe on the right) was wearing had a Disney princess patch that was peeling off. So they took the shirt off and Angela went right over to the closet. She pulled out a Build-A-Bear bag that has clothes and items that were originally bought for Lili's Build-A-Bear puppy, Caramel. Inside, she found a couple of shirts and an Alice in Wonderland dress. After choosing a shirt for Spots, she decided she wanted Snuggles to wear the Alice dress because she thought Snuggles would look "supa cute!". Surprisingly, we were able to get the dress on her. I don't know why, but this made us all laugh, Jenny included. It's moments like this that make me smile. We really are a family, despite bad days, despite some people in our system refusing to work with us, despite any differences we have. I love our (not so little) family. - Lizzy
OUR FIDGET CUBES CAME TODAY AND WE COULDN'T BE HAPPIER. WE LOVE OURS SO MUCH. We decided to go with the Gamer design. Jenny got the Midnight one. Jenny and I each got one for travel and one for home/in case our travel one breaks. I wish we'd had our cube for our CSA system members' traumaversary on Sunday, but better late than never. It's really grounding and it's interesting to see the difference between everyone's favorite side(s). The fact that Joseph likes it so much because of all of the different textures makes me smile. He's been dealing with a lot of flashbacks from the traumaversary like our other CSA system members, but he's also been struggling with a lot of anger, so it's nice to know that there's another thing that's grounding for him. It's grounding for all of us! Stevie and I haven't been skin picking as much today because of this cube! That's a pretty huge success for us! It was COMPLETELY worth the four month wait for these cubes! - Lizzy
I know it’s been forever since any of us have been on here.
I know no one is probably going to see this let alone read it, I just...really need to get some stuff out. I’m feeling pretty down.
Nothing bad’s happened or anything. Like I said, I’m just feeling down.
My fiancee is out tonight with friends, which is great.
We talked on the phone while she was driving to her destination and we got on the subject about how it’s pretty easy to make friends when going out (or supposed to be, anyway). And it got me thinking about how...every single friend I’ve made in the four years we’ve lived here...all of them have been friends from work or related to work in some way.
Our system struggles sometimes still, being around drinking, so we don’t go out. None of us drink either, which is good for us. And, even if we could/did go out, we don’t have anyone to go out with. I work in the theatre industry, so having a lot of work friends isn’t uncommon. You meet a lot of people when you’re constantly working touring shows.
But I wouldn’t hang out with most of them outside work, I don’t think. A lot of them likely would want to go out and drink because that just...is what people do socially (especially in theatre). And it’s like, sure, you don’t have to go out drinking when hanging out with someone. There’s a ton of stuff to do that doesn’t involve it. But, like...I don’t know how to put this into words. I’m struggling with it.
Let’s just say that this conversation with my fiancee made me realize that I have pretty crippling social anxiety outside of work.
At work, I have to be extroverted. As a dresser, I work one-on-one with actors, so I definitely have to be extroverted to some degree or things would be awkward. Plus, I do sincerely enjoy interacting with them because they tend to be really sweet and funny. It uses up a lot of spoons, but I do it. I also have to interact with people because theatre is like any other part of the entertainment industry -- You have to network with as many people as you can and always do a kick ass job with whatever you’re doing...because you never know what opportunities the people you network with can open up. Because if you do a good job, they remember you. And if they remember you, then they may think of you when someone brings up a new job opening.
It’s very calculated, honestly.
Outside of work, I don’t have to be extroverted. I can go back to being introverted. Unless I go out somewhere with my fiancee, I literally go to work and come home. I don’t go anywhere else. And there’s aspects to that that some of us in our system like. I pretty much use all of my spoons for the day at work because it involves a lot of physical labor and socializing, so coming home and only being around my fiancee or just being home alone can be so refreshing. It’s quiet, it’s away from people. It’s safe.
But, like...it’s depressing to think that, on this Friday evening, if I wanted to go to the movies or go to a gaming store to play board games or whatever, I don’t really have anyone to go out with, other than my fiancee.
I have a lot of interests. It’s not like I’m boring or anything...I don’t think? Maybe I am, I don’t know. The thought of hanging out with someone one-on-one causes so much anxiety for me. What if they think I am boring? What if they’re being nice to me, but really they’re thinking really mean things about me? What if they’re just being nice because they pity me? What if they’re having an awful time? What if they think I’m talking too much? What if they think I’m weird in a bad way? What if I say or do something wrong? What do I talk to them about? What if we have nothing in common? Or, if we have something in common and that’s how we met, what happens when the conversation on that topic runs out? Then what? What about silence? What if there’s awkward silence? How do I strike up conversation with someone I hardly know? I can do it at work all day, but outside of work?
I’m scared shitless of talking to people.
Tomorrow my fiancee is taking us going to one of the nearby lakes. Two of her friends that she’s hanging out with tonight will be going too. I’m planning to pack my D&D campaign book and notebook so I can work on it while at the lake. I think I mainly want to bring those things because they’re kind of like a security blanket of sorts. Like, being busy with reading through the campaign book will make it so I don’t have to talk to my fiancee’s friends or anyone else.
And the more I think of it, the more I feel really fucking pathetic.
Cruel irony is the fact that I have horrible social anxiety, but there are people in our system who don’t. The main person is Mary...but that’s her role in our system. She’s the social butterfly. She’s why I seemed “normal,” especially while at school...because, for the most part, she handled interactions. She’ll still even deal with some interactions when I’m at work, if I’m struggling too much with being extroverted or am just too tired. She wants nothing more than to have a ton of friends. She’s longed for friends of her own for years. She constantly wants to go out. She wants to meet people and have a good time. Her Depression gets pretty bad because she doesn’t have anyone other than my fiancee and our system. But where the irony comes in is...I have crippling social anxiety, but Mary wants nothing more than to constantly be socializing...and, had I grown up without being so abused and traumatized and didn’t have DID, maybe I’d be a social butterfly myself. But I’m not. Mary is.
Sometimes I think that, maybe, I should just let her take over for a while and she can just go out and have fun, make friends.
But then it’s like...if Mary makes friends, but they don’t know about DID or about our system...it just feels...really weird. I don’t know why, but to me if feels like we’e kind of lying to that person? And Mary’s had to do that for nearly my entire life. She’s made friends for me by introducing herself using my name. But now, she wants to be able to introduce herself as Mary and make friends that way. So she has friends who are just hers. Alec and Regina wouldn’t mind the same.
And in that case, I feel like we could only be friends with other systems or people who at least understand what DID is. And yet, any time we try to become friends with other systems, it doesn’t work out. It’s only worked out in a couple of cases.
It feels like such a fucking complicated mess.
And I didn’t realize how much of a mess it was. How much of a mess I am with all of this.
Maybe I did realize it...and I was just pushing it away, bottling it up. And now it’s all coming out at one time. My chest has felt tight and I’ve had some trouble breathing the entire time I’ve been typing this.
And then I just feel really fucking stupid and pathetic because it’s like, grow up, Lizzy. You’re 26 years old. Just be social and make some fucking in-person friends. Stop being such a fucking loser.
I have a lot of friends outside of work...but none of them live within driving distance. They’re all over the country, some in different parts of the world. A lot of online friends. Not in person friends.
I feel like such a fucking loser, I really do.
And I hate it.
Why would anyone want to hang out with me to begin with? I look like I have my shit together on the outside, but apparently I really don’t. I even fooled myself into thinking that I had my shit together more than I really do. Who would want to hang out with someone who can’t socialize?
My fiancee said that it’s just one of those things where you need to go out there and just do it. But how can you do that when the mere thought of trying that makes your tongue feel like its glued itself to the roof of your mouth and you feel panicked and nauseous?
