#-hadley

[breatheforeverypart]

Body memories.  Visual flashbacks.  Please stop please. Hadley is crying, all I can feel is Emma’s terror.  I can’t talk right now.  My voice is gone. 

[breatheforeverypart]

Mom

Mom.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m trying to keep my head above water.  Last Tuesday in therapy we wound up talking about my Mom and my bio family. Her cousin died suddenly last weekend and it led to Frances calling her and talking with her a lot.  A couple times in one weekend.  I’m so uncomfortable with her doing that.  And my therapist doesn’t really understand why?  Dan and I tried to explain what my Mom does and how she acts and manipulates situations and gaslights, but I couldn’t articulate it correctly. 

***TRIGGER WARNING: CSA & parent involvement***

When Dan was driving us back to the house from therapy I started to dissociate.  I tried grounding, Dan says I was talking about DBT and using my grounding kit in my bag, but I couldn’t stay in the moment.  My head was so loud.  Everyone kept screaming and crying.  I don’t remember anything after that until an hour or so later.  So Hadley switched out and signed with Dan.  She was furious.  She couldn’t believe that my therapist wants me to work with Frances and find a compromise on how to communicate with mom.  Hadley signed to Dan repeatedly that she wanted us to be finished with mom and that she has to protect Brigitt and Emma now, that she won’t let them get hurt again.  Dan was patient and he asked her why when she calmed down a little.  Hadley says that my mom engaged in SA with her, Emma, and Brigitt.  From about 2/3 years old to 9 years old. 

I know Hadley wouldn’t lie about something like this.  Anya is furious.  After Hadley told Dan, Rory Anne and Anya talked to Dan.  Anya punched a pillow Dan was holding while Rory Anne tried to contain what Hadley, Emma and Brigitt were experiencing.  For the rest of the week, from Tuesday night through Friday I had no idea what was going on.  I was cut off from everyone and totally numb.  Rory Anne helped me get through classes and work.  I don’t remember working on Friday.  Rory Anne tells me that my Mom called me at work 4 times.  She kept texting me trying to book plane tickets for her trip to NJ in May.  I feel chaotic and lost.  On Friday night after I got back from work Dan took me upstairs to my room and we sat on my bed.  He told me about Tuesday night and what Hadley said. 

It doesn’t feel real.  She wouldn’t lie about this.  It explains so much...but how is it possible? How could she do this.  Maybe it was normal and I’m overreacting.  I am disgusting.  I am dirty and nasty and worthless.  My thoughts keep cycling from knowing objectively that these...memories are real and valid. To thinking that none of this could possibly be true.  That a mom, no matter how emotionally abusive and at times physically abusive could do that.  To their child.  Their own child.  Their only daughter.  My head feels like it’s splitting apart.  There’s so much shame, fear, disgust, pain, confusion and wanting.  Some part(s) want to talk to her.  They want her.  I want to pull my hair out and scream.  None of this feels real. 

[breatheforeverypart]

C*******s Triggers

This past weekend was challenging.  Friday night was a diner party at our house.  Kelsey cooked so much rich food!  It was overwhelming and eating that much food was terrifying in terms of recovery, but it went quite well considering.  Shay made amazing vegetable dishes and so did Dan.  Zoey loved the variety and we have leftovers for the rest of the week at least (yay no cooking and healthy options). 

Saturday morning was quiet and relaxing.  We got a lot of things done around the house and Dan was able to hang out all day.  We tried to relax and wrapped up some last minute shopping for Christmas.  That night, Kelsey and Jordan went out and we had some time to ourselves.  Dan helped Hannah set up more of the dollhouse and evidently she had a great time!  Before that Dan helped Brigitt pick out a movie to watch.  She actually picked one with Dan’s help!  ‘The Princess and the Frog’.  However we couldn’t get the movie to play with Kelsey’s x-box...so many another night!

We did decide to let someone pick a bedtime story to read, and Zoey helped us decide Emma should try.  She seemed a little freaked out and more skittish than usual, but she did hold on to Bunbun and helped hold up the book according to Dan.  He read a story about Jasmine and her first snow day with Aladdin and the Genie.  He also followed along with his finger and Bunbun helped Emma follow along too!  Hadley read along too and Rory Anne things other system members were listening too. 

[tristansht-blog]

5: Matt, Dean, Bella

Kill myself, betray myself, have them all on my zombie apocalypse team