#..{{out of magic}}..

[merlinsmushrooms]

Permanent Hiatus

{{I’m past my last straw at this point. This website is beyond toxic for role-playing at this point, and I am enjoying my fix in private with close friends now. The Sofia fandom has practically died off at this point, and I’m just so insanely tired of getting my hopes up and having them get squandered when there’s a spark of potential. It 100% feels like trolling at this point considering the things I’ve endured in the past. You don’t shake that feeling even if it’s factually a coincidence.  If anybody wants me, you can find me on Discord. Please DM me for my account. I will still occasionally be posting fan content on twitter, nor am I going to stop collecting. But as for RP? Discord only. I will be leaving this account up to keep it’s content available.}}

[merlinsmushrooms]

{{You know what, I barely use this hell-site anymore so I’m going to vague-post because there’s a reason I’m inactive lately; If you’re incapable of communicating with people, don’t reach out to them. Don’t get a small and demotivated group of people excited and then ghost. I’m talking about “I’m almost done” and then disappearing entirely and blocking people — not just slowly drifting apart. That is normal. Ghosting is not. Ghosting is a dick move. If you’re too busy or just lost interest, at least say something.  Anxiety is not a good excuse; several people here have it, and yet they’re still capable of saying no/”I can’t” in various forms. Online at that too. I’m not the most mature person myself, but the handful of people who have been doing this over the last year have pretty much confirmed my decision to find partners on other websites. This is not one incident but several to the point that it’s causing me anxiety. {Because trust me, when it happens as often as it does, you start wondering if it’s people trolling. Especially when you’ve had an issue with people doing it in other ways in the past.} It’s behaviors like this that drive creatives away. Especially in smaller fandoms. Don’t do it. If you’re not committed, don’t act like you are because /you’re/ the one hurting feelings. Just dip your toes in and say no thanks if it’s not for you, because sadly, apparently that’s too much to ask en masse.}}

[merlinsmushrooms]

{{Not doing anything formal for this year, but going to be at Calgary Expo. If any of my followers/mutuals are gonna be there, hit me up.}}

[merlinsmushrooms]

I try not to rant anymore, but I’m feeling exceptionally depressed tonight.

It’s been pretty obvious that I’ve lost a lot of motivation. The last year or so has been a struggle to write. My muse for Cedric hasn’t left - I spend most of my evenings plotting and writing  privately - but that’s the issue, privately.

I’m not comfortable sharing things here. The harassment I endured years ago now still causes me to question what I post, and with upcoming cosplay plans, I’m terrified again. And honestly, I’m feeling worse about it because I’m struggling to remember exactly what happened. I can’t open up about it because I can’t remember details, nor can I because it’s technically drama.

I am still quite upset that Cards Against Enchancia was posted to the group that caused this grief without my consent. Somebody told me earlier today and I’ve been anxious ever since. I still had the game happen and it went for 2 hours without a single issue, but to know that my content (events, even - this isn’t a cosplay photo or meme) is being shared in a space I am never going to be welcome in again? It’s extremely painful. It took me an extremely long time to be comfortable hosting such an event again and then... yeah.  and I do know that it’s something so very minor, but having control over who sees what I’m posting/sharing is important to me  — especially since people I cannot trust are still there. I didn’t want to privately circulate the game as I had been, but... I don’t know.

I don’t know what to think. I just know I’m upset and have nowhere I can actually vent about this without the prospect of having the same people accuse me of everything under the sun.

I want to enjoy creating content, but ... I’m just reminded of all the bad. But I don’t want to move on because of how important this character is for me. I just want to feel comfortable doing things again, but it’s starting to feel like I never will. I’m tired of feeling like I have to share most of my content privately. And it’s odd to me because nothing has happened in a very long time, but that crippling anxiety is still there the moment certain names are mentioned. I’m just so tired. 

[merlinsmushrooms]

Cards Against Enchancia

{{Ya’ll wanted it. 6pm MST April 12th I’ll be posting a link here and on my twitter shortly before it starts. You can also DM me for a link to the room.

I’ll be taking suggestions for cards up until Friday morning. If you guys want anything in there, just DM me or send in an ask.}}

[merlinsmushrooms]

Cards Against Enchancia

{{If I rev’d this up again Friday night, would anybody be interested in playing? I may be updating the deck.}}

[merlinsmushrooms]

{{I’ve been busy, but I want to toot my own horn as to why I’m busy!

I started up my photography stuff in full. If anybody’s interested in what I’ve been up to OOC for the last while, click me.  Finally started up some social media for it all.

I’ll be back Friday to get to the rest of my stuff. Sorry for the delays over the last while, but I’m really cracking down on my studies.}}