#04 rants

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

rewatched quite a bit of one day at a time, and i have to say, i think i'm a bit in love with alvareider

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

Alright, now that I've been given a few hours to stew and think and cry and have several breakdowns over the cancellation,,, let's talk about how I found this show, my relationship to it, and why I love this show

Anyone who's interacted with me in this fandom, be it over tumblr or in the discord know I started watching because my dance teacher was an extra in the Help! scene (bc I never shut the fuck up about it). But it did start a little earlier.

I had seen a few ads, on NBC and on YouTube. I thought it looked interesting, but I was in sophomore year, having breakdowns just about every other day, the homework was hard, and there were also reports of the virus. At the time it seemed so far away, but I had a feeling it would arrive soon. So it didn't seem like something I could add to my plate. I thought it would simply become another Good Girls to me (aka a show I really wanted to watch, and still kinda do, but I never really got around to it.) So, watching it kind of fell to the back of my mind. And then... that fateful day.

It was a big deal when the teacher would put on the TV in the main studio. It didn't happen often, and when it did, it always had to do with dance in some way. But my teacher was on YouTube and googling Zoey's. We sat down, I even grabbed my glasses so I could see what we were watching. We picked up at the ladies singing "Whatta Man" which the owner of my studio was howling at. I'm lucky enough that two of my teachers have been involved in Smuin Ballet in San Francisco, one still currently in the company (although she just had a baby and... y'know professional dance is hard in the pandemic.) I'm also lucky enough to have met another former Smuin dancer who was also an extra in the Help! scene. So, my teacher pointed himself and the other former Smuin dancer out, funnily enough, they were similarly dressed. So, the scene ended and we went on with our class. I went home and put on the first episode.

And then... well we all know what happened next. The US went into lockdown, and there wasn't much to do.

And yeah, I had school. I went into the two five pm history classes I had, I still had homework,,, but other than those two history classes and the occasion english class there was nothing... dance had stopped, homework, class, and the workload changed. Suddenly, I was left with a lot of free time. So, continued to watch Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist. For a while, it was Killing Eve and Zoey's Playlist, but then that went away, and it was just Zoey.

(also, yes, I'm aware this isn't linear and in chronological order, but give me a break, my memory is already shit and this pandemic just made it worse.)

In April, I wrote my first fanfiction for the show. It was this small, little piece of fluff that showed a future Zimon and their four kids (four kids, Jesus Christ, what was I onnnnnn). It's already outdated bc of my use of Eddie and not Perry but I still hold it very dear to my heart. It was posted on ao3 on Jun 13, 2020, and was my first fanfic on the site. I've posted more since then, but it's still overwhelmingly zep there, and I currently have two ongoing fanfics. My goal is to become that person in the zep fandom who is known for her works where people perceive Zimon's relationship, in a funny but wrong way (and when I say people, I (mostly) mean Tobin.)

I love Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist. It's made me laugh, made me cry, made me sing along with it, and made me actually fully enter a fandom. I've considered myself in fandom long before Zoey's, but Zoey's actually had me interacting with others. It's technically not my first fandom. I'd say that was Mighty Med, all the way back in sixth grade. But it's the first where I've actively interacted with others and even made an acquaintance (Isabella ily 💗).

Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist had moments that made it hard for me to love it the way I do. There have been some bad writing decisions. I personally don't ship cl*arkeman, even though it's clear they are endgame.

But, I still love it. It was a coping mechanism in a hard time, and I love that it helped me. And I know it helped others as well.

I know not everyone is going to understand my comparison to Cloak and Dagger. They are vastly different shows. But the cancellation... that's what gets me the most about both. They were both canceled in a way where the fandom was going to feel like crap. Both were canceled after two seasons when they had more story to tell. It was done quietly, and there was backlash. Different programs eyed them. The difference is we don't know how this one will end yet. Cloak and Dagger was canceled, and I'll never be the same. I'll never truly be over it. And while I know I'm not in the right headspace to process this cancellation, I think I may be able to find a way. It'll be really, really fucking hard. But I'm slowly getting there with Anne with an E, and I think I could with Zoey's. It was an incredible show while it lasted, and if it's its time to go... I'm glad for the time I had with it and will help keep it going along with others in the fandom. All that being said...

Save Zoey's Playlist

Start petitions (ig, idrk how change.org works), keep it trending on Twitter, let NBC know it made a mistake, and let other streaming services know we're interested in seeing the show go on. It deserves a clean resolution that's not a cliffhanger. Just let these characters be happy in the end.

This doesn't have to be another Cloak and Dagger, or Timeless, or whatever show anyone has felt never got a proper chance to tell its story and end in a satisfying way. It can be another Brooklyn Nine-Nine, or Lucifer, or Friday Night Lights (me, side-eyeing NBC for that one). This doesn't have to be the end. And maybe I'm too late to writing this, maybe it's not trending anymore and it won't trend again, and it won't get picked up. But at least we can say we tried.

This was long as fuck to write, and I could've put that time towards... idk homework ig, or writing the fanfiction I just started, or any of my ongoing two. But it felt it necessary to write this. I don't know why, maybe I just needed to get this shit off my chest. If no one in the fandom reads this... eh, I really can't blame you, it's long as all fuck.

If you did, and you got this far, I love you, I love this fandom, I don't regret my time here, and I hope you don't either. It means the world to me that you read this.

I love you all, and I'll shut up now 💖💗💖💗

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

i was all over her by salvia palth gives off that same sort of almost primal longing roslyn by bon iver does, but in a very different way. like idk, both feel like they'd be best listened to leaning against the window of a car in the passenger seat while it's raining and your surrounded by trees, but i was all over her feels like the longing you get at a really crowded party while you're in the corner by the window, lonely, while roslyn is an almost unsettled nostalgia when you're at a rest stop in the middle of the woods on the way to see your family

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

i am not sure how to be a jew

i'm not sure i ever knew

i was not handed a blueprint if there is one

i'm scared to say i'm jewish because i fear i have not been a good one

i keep hearing there's no right way to be a jew

but i didn't fast on yom kippur

i didn't not have to, but i came home ravenous from my first day of retail and simply couldn't help myself

i keep hearing there's no right way to be a jew

but i didn't have a bat mitzvah, haven't been to a shabbos service in years

simply cannot remember to do my duolingo yiddish

the hebrew too hard

i celebrate hanukkah too early, so we can spend time with my uncle

until two years ago, i only knew purim by the time two boys tried to get me to play with my friend

with whom i didn't want to play with

my parents laughed and called them his minions

i think my grandparents know the way, at least slightly, but it feels too wrong to ask them

i think my mother was handed a blueprint and chose to stray

when i told her i wanted to become more observant, she told me it was alright

she asked how, where i wanted to start

i told her i didn't know

i am not sure how to be a jew

i'm not sure i ever knew

i was not handed a blueprint if there is one

but i think i may make my own.

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

nope, nope, it's 1 fucking am and i cannot stop thinking about yesterday (2019)

like,,, what??? i remember every detail in that movie and yet i can't remember anything about it. i remember lily james was pretty and himesh patel was very handsome. i remember harry potter and cigarettes didn't exist and really isn't that a better world?

what the fuck happened in that movie? was it an alternate universe or did like,,, the outage fuck with everyone's memories? was it a mandela effect thing?? were those two beatles fans he met fans from the 60s when they were a small band that never made it or were they too from the alternate universe he was from?

this dumb romcom should in theory have no effect on my life and yet i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since i first saw it. this fucking movie should be thought upon with fondness like every three months, not almost every single fucking day with the thought to look into it further

is it me? am i the one making a mountain out of a molehill? was this shit explained in the movie and i just totally missed it or is like,,, that the fucking movie? are these questions answered?

my g.OD i'm obsessed with the dumbest shit

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

g.od, i'm so close to just blocking this guy. you can't fucking generalize all religions and use my people's trauma, my trauma, to justify why you think G.od doesn't exist and that all religion is a scam

fuck off

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

it is two a.m. where i live and i am so tired and i have Things to do tomorrow, but i desperately want to watch Evil (2019- ), but i know if i do i'll hate myself because again, it's two a.m., i get frightened far too easy, and i'm tired, but if i don't i'll hate myself bc i have about three more days w Paramount Plus (7 day free trial) and that is not enough time for me to binge the rest of it (i'm a slow binger). so either way, i'll hate myself.

it's a lose-lose situation

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

So uh... I changed my ao3 username!

I don't know if anyone cares, but I got my account in June 2020 when I was still identifying as a girl. A few months later, I began to use they/them pronouns in addition to she/her and about a week later, changed how I label my gender. I was no longer a full girl, I was a demigirl. It felt very right at the time and it still honestly does... however,

Recently I began questioning my pronouns, which only spurred a gender crisis in the back of my mind to the forefront. I won't talk much about it, but based on the fact I still mostly present as female (which I do feel comfortable doing) and the fact that neither my grandparents, parents, or other family refer to me using my other pronouns and only use she/her,,, I am not as comfortable using the term "girl" to refer to myself the way I used to. I was a lot more okay with it when I was only using the demigirl label, but still not fully if that makes sense. And thus, my ao3 username change.

Ik I didn't/don't really need to explain this, but I kinda wanted to. I love my mutuals and followers and even if y'all didn't need an explanation, I still wanted you to have one, if that makes sense.

Anyways, rest in peace Girl_With_No_Aesthetic_04, you will be missed. Welcome to the world, Sapphic_With_No_Aesthetic_04, it fucking sucks.