#04.16.14

[viponsaturday]

[ahnandahn]

i never learn.

so yesterday i was pretty upset because of lots of things. first of all, i've been thinking about Miguel a lot. it's not necessarily that i have feelings feelings for him, but that because i'm so not used to having contact with guys that even a tiny gesture makes me flip and my mind cannot calm down. but i absolutely know that nothing will go on. he is not interested in me and i really just want to be closer friends than coworkers. like i'd like to get lunch with him some time.

yesterday i had a shift with Jarred and and then Miguel took over. i was working on the side, kind of trying to see if Miguel is just nice to everyone or if he treated me specially. nope, he's just nice to everyone. and the worst part was that he was laughing a lot with Jarred (he has a super low, dumb laugh by the way ugh) and i got jealous of that. OF JARRED. OF A GUY. i think it was just because i wanted to be the one laughing with him or making him laugh. it bothered me to the point where i couldn't stand being there even though i had headphones in to block out the sound. at point i was like, maybe he's gay and i should just accept it and give up. typical delusional me. he didn't really care that i was there, and i just have to accept that. at the asc meeting on Tuesday, he didn't say hi to me either and neither did i. anyway, i left as soon as i finished my essay because i couldn't stand it. he smiled at me when he said bye and i was like STOP SMILING. and i was furious when i left. i literally kept yelling in my head "don't be nice to me, don't talk to me, don't take shifts with me, don't have anything to do with me anymore." i was angry with myself more than anything because i was doing this again even though i told myself i wouldn't do this again. he's a major distraction and i'm the only one who gets worked up for something so fruitless. i just hate these feelings and i don't want to deal with them anymore. i'm so sick of it. to the point where i wished i was asexual. it just makes everything so much easier. i thought, oh maybe it would be better to be lesbian. but then i figured i'd go through the same problem. so asexual. ugh.

i then talked to Rayna and she talked things out with me. she told me not to give up. i'm 7359832479832649% sure that there's nothing in there for me. i'm not meant to be with someone or friends with guys in general i guess. i'm just an awkward potato.

i hope i lose these feelings soon.

[takingbackpaula]

Progress Report. 1/28/14 - 4/16/14.

Holy crap! I’m actually going to write about losing weight.

My first appointment with my doctor was on January 28th of this year. (It was for a lady exam, but he really focused on my ‘excessive’ BMI.) He believes in the low carb diet, and he practices it himself.

I was instructed to follow Atkins since I am already familiar with it. 20-30g net carbs/day. He told me I’ll probably never be able to eat more than 20-30g carbs/meal without putting on weight.

That morning (1/28/14) I weighed in at 206. This morning (4/16/14) I weighed in at 188.4. So I did some math. That’s -17.6 lbs in ~11 weeks. Which works out to ~1.6 lbs/week. Not too shabby.

If I can keep this up, I could be around 170 when I go to Michigan this summer. I think that’s a pretty reasonable goal. Especially once I start adding regular exercise.

[kclittlethoughts]

Nothing serious, please.

Asdfghjkl. I don’t want to get sick but right now, I think that I’m about to have a cold. I’ve been wanting to just sneeze but I don’t get to do it. Ugh. Like you know that you’re about to sneeze and it just doesn’t come. Anw, I hope it’s not something serious. Huhuhu. I don’t want to drop my summer subjects, bc that’s what the others did. :(((( I’m really worried but I’m fighting. Haha. :)