The Game of Desire (Landoscar)
I don't know if you ever know this, but it's pretty hard for me not to send you messages all the time. Sometimes I feel like a teenager trying to find the right moment to say something and then say nothing. But here I am, trying to decide if what I want to say to you is too much. But it always makes me want to say it.
Today I was thinking about how much you make me laugh. No, really. I don't know how you make me so distracted, but you do. And not just when we're on the court, and not just when we share those awkward moments with the team..... No, no. It's those little details. Like when you look at me with that half smile, like you know something I don't. And what's up with that, huh? You think I don't notice?
But, of course, I'm not going to ask you. Because if I ask you, you're sure to laugh at me, and then I won't like it. Although, maybe you like that, don't you?
I won't answer you for now, I'll just leave you with this. Take it as you will.
Ok, are you really playing with me? Because if you are, I have to tell you that I am an excellent player. I know what you do when you look at me like that, when you act distracted, when you know perfectly well that I'm watching you. It's like a fucking staring game.
I don't know if I've told you yet, but you've got a way of walking that makes me... uncomfortable. And I know, I know, don't make it harder. I'm trying to keep it together, but I'd really like to know if you've ever noticed how much you make me think about you. It's not like it bothers me, of course, but the truth is, it's weird.
Anyway, I'll leave it for now. I was just wondering if someday you'll stop playing games and maybe, just maybe, you could be a little more direct with me. Though of course, I can't assure you that I'll like it.
Did you know that sometimes I think the world stops when we are close? As if nothing else matters, as if all the other people disappear. And even though I know that's completely absurd, I can't stop thinking about how you look at me sideways when you make a joke, or how your eyes sparkle when you're about to say something I know I'm not supposed to hear.
Do you think I would tell you? No, I wouldn't.
But sometimes I wonder if you know how much it affects me, even when you play dumb and pretend I don't care. I just... I don't know how to say it, how to explain it without sounding like an idiot? Like I don't care, but I care too much about you too.
That's enough, isn't it? I'm already sending you too much. But I can't help it, because if I don't tell you, I'll probably explode inside.
Whatever's going on, don't play dumb. You know what's going on.
Letter 4: Oscar's Unsent Reply
If you only knew how ridiculous you look in these letters. Although, in a way, it's funny. You know, I've thought about responding, but I've also decided it's more entertaining to leave you intrigued. You know what happens when I do that to you? You become more vulnerable, more open, and for some reason, I like that.
If only you knew how much fun I have watching you squirm with your own thoughts. But it's okay, I know what you're doing. I know you're waiting for something, that you want me to tell you what you already know. Because you know what I think, and you know that maybe...just maybe...I like you too.
But I don't. I'm not going to give it to you that easy.
Next time, try to be a little more direct. Or better yet, keep writing these ridiculous letters. I'll handle the replies... on my own terms.
https://open.spotify.com/intl-es/track/6JzCO4ZzxAXhY86vTcqM1Q?si=e71752479c4047b5