#05.11.16

[pagetgram]

Paget Brewster, John Stamos, Josh Peck, Christina Milian & Emelia Golfieri on the set of Grandfathered “The Cure” 1.22

@golfieritwins: How absolutely precious was tonight's episode of #grandfathered? What did  everyone think? 

[idonottrustyou]

Ich warte auf den Tag, an dem du alles bereust.

-C

[threegood-things]

05.11.16

1. I'm starting to feel pretty good after getting some better sleep for the last 4 or 5 days. It's brilliant! 2. I got a bit productive today and tidied the play room. 3. We went to a bonfire and fireworks at my cousins house this eve. It was great to see people and the boy was so brave about the fireworks. He seemed to really enjoy them.

[youresuchagem]

Look I just want to be happy and cope and heal from everything but sometimes it’s so hard.

It’s kinda screwed that the only time I need antidepressants is when I’m living at home. I’m not kidding. When I’m at college and on my meds, I’m wildly happy. But the minute I get home, they’re barely able to keep the depression away at all. I’m actually going to have to look at upping my dosage just for when I’m living here.

And like... this year I came so far once I moved out. I worked through so much shit. I was so, so thankful that I wasn’t living at home. 

I kinda hate that I can’t take it anymore. Now when Mum starts stressing I just go silent and then start crying. I hate that this is my home, it’s where I have to spend 4 months of summer and somewhere I’m meant to be happy, and instead it’s just so toxic.

It’s been 8 days without a breakdown and honestly that surprised me. That’s how low my standards are set when I’m at home. 

I really, truly want to believe that this will somehow get better. I spoke to Mum a week ago and she promised it would change and seemed so committed to making things better, but here we are again. I just... I can’t see how things are meant to get better. And it really really scares me to realise that. 

I promise I’m trying so hard. I so don’t want to let the depression back in. I really, truly want to be happy. I want to believe in good things. 

[just-some-thoughts-of-mine]

I can hear the fireworks outside. They remind me that I’m alone, not with friends, not putting myself out there trying to make new friends, or even just going out to enjoy for the sake of enjoying them.

I miss my friends, I miss by family, I miss feeling loved and I miss loving others. Don’t get me wrong I’ve found myself caring quite deeply about some of the people I’ve met here, and I’m glad about that. I’m glad I’ve found people worth caring about, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have none of the relationships I had only a few months ago. Of course I still think about them the same way but it’s very strange going from seeing them every day and hearing the ins and outs of their lives and talking absolute nonsense just because that’s what comes into my head and they roll with it and join in and we burst into laughter within only a few seconds, but they are beautiful seconds. Seconds of pure joy and happiness that no one can take away from us no matter how shit the world might be or how tough our lives might be at the time. That is what I miss, I miss not caring what people think. I miss being able to do and say what I want knowing that I won’t be judged or thought of as weird, I miss the mentality of ‘I’m just being me and that’s who they’ve chosen to love so that’s who I’ll be’. Now I find myself over thinking everything I say, before I say it, whilst saying it, and after I’ve said it. ‘Would this be a weird thing to say? Is this how most people would phrase this?’ ‘Crap I’m talking too fast and waffling and repeating myself and this isn’t going anywhere and now I’ve lost my train of thought shit shit shit’ ‘Well I buggered that one up didn’t I? That wasn’t good, they weren’t engaged, they didn’t care, they just wanted it to be over so that they could say their thing, shit they’re saying their thing, listen, damn now thing of a response, quick’ And the cycle continues. I want to go home, I want my life to be how it was, I might have hated school and never wanted to get up in the morning and feared the university application process and deal with Lizzie’s antics and pretend I didn’t hate Mr Thompson with my entire being every time we had a lesson with him, but I had Hannah and Alex and Eleanor and Morgan and Florence, and there was no tension between anyone. Eleanor would reply to Alex’s texts, we’d make plans to go out together, we would fanny about it the common room, we’d chat, drink tea with hot water stolen from the kitchen next to the conference room, laugh at the embarrassing things I’d done. But I don’t have that anymore.

And these are the things that the fireworks tell me.

[leeminholinoing]

Daily reminder: - Louis and Harry are in love - Don't forget to vote !!!! - (also end it)

[thetragiceucatastrophe]

If there is one thing I've learned after years of heartbreak, it's that the flaw in my love was that it has always held me back. Love should never restrict you; it should leave you unconfined.

excerpt #8 from a book i’ll never write//3:44 am//05.11.16//now my only task is to break free from the chains i put around myself

[baklangbiskwit]

May 1116

It was an eventful day. I woke around 8 which was already kinda late here and I wasn't able to change my clothes from last night. Anyway, my Mom and Jourdan's had to go so I had to look after the kids. I took breakfast and then went to check the kids every now and then. I fed Kate a sandwich then Jourdan asked for two. The girls fight at times and I had to intervene comically. Good thing when things got a bit tougher, Mama and Ante came home because their agenda was spoiled. Mama helped Papa in preparing the food for tomorrow. Ante went to prepare Jourdan to take a shower. Since Kate has to do so as well, she was gotten clothes from Lola's house where they live. When her clothes came, she was so reluctant to take a shower because she wanna do it herself. Jourdan was finding her and took her to the shower. Once she was finish, I clothed her and it was really great to do so. Angela combed her hair while we watch Bridge to Terabithia. Anyway, later on when the kids and I were in the room, Kate told me she had to go number two. I was basically frantic because how??¿?¿? But I took her to the toilet where she held my hand so she wouldn't fall in the bowl. Mom washed her after and her panties got wet lmao. Later on, her mom--Ante Joy--came by and she was so happy to see her Mom that she went home with her. It kinda soothed down in the house and we all had a very delicious lunch. Once we were done, I felt sleepy so I kinda lied down on the bed. Then it was Jourdan's time to take his medicines. Man, it was definitely a tough time. He didn't want to take them so Ante did and said everything she could possibly think of to make him drink. We scared him, we tried to leave him, we feign defeat, everything. They were even once shouting and Jourdan crying and shrieking just because he doesn't want to take the meds. Finally, because saw me playing Fruit Ninja and wanted to, he surprisingly took his medicines. He proceeded to play and it was such a relief to everybody. Then we all basically had a nap except for my parents because they were still preparing food. I woke up around 5 in the morning and I had to go to church. I immediately went to take a shower and changed into decent clothes. It was only Angela and me that went to church because everybody was either sleeping or busy doing something. When we got there, only Kuya Gabriel and Ate Bodak were my cousins there. We didn't start the mass on time so it didn't last too long. After the mass, Kuya accompanied us to Ante Marilyn's house to chage our clothes. Once we were done, we went to Mama Belen's to pick Ate Bodak up and see Anadel, of course. But Ate wasn't ready yet so we went straight to Lola's house. There were tables everywhere and Lola's dining was brand new. Angela, Kuya and I went upstairs where tables were also set. The balcony wasn't done yet so it was basically out in the open. The best thing is that, you could star fucking gaze. I was genuinely in love while we were there. After we ate our dinner and found ourselves bloated, we went downstairs where we watched Dolce Amore while Gerard was eating after he just got back from his date. Soon enough, my cousins and my aunts and my parents went down as well to join us. We were playing with Jourdan and Kate and the other kids. My aunts asked to play the karaoke so they could sing. It was really fun. Around 10:30 in the evening, we went to 'disco'. It was almost empty but we entered anyway. We danced to the music and really tried to have fun. I was actually loving it. Then when we got a bit tired, we went back to the house and sang a few songs. Kuya Mark blew us all away when he sang. He's really a great singer. A few minutes before midnight, we went back to the placr near the church to watch the fireworks display. Basically, firecracker shows fascinates me so I was keenly watching when something hit my eye. Truly, the ones you love the most would hurt you. My parents and Jourdan went to Ante Marilyn's house to sleep while the rest of us stayed to dance more. However, there were some special requests from some people wherein we couldn't join in. It was hilarious though especially when drunk men took the dance floor. However, even when we were already dancing again, the longer it went on, I was getting really tired. Not just because of the dancing because the music SUCKS. This place needs some Aze Torres and Lorde Canillas. Anyway, it was also kinda raining so we chilled at Lola's first then contemplated if we would still go back or just go home. We resorted with the latter. And on the way home to Ante Marilyn's, the catering services were just along with us and we kid them of not giving us ride. Anyway, it was a great day with lots of food. Can't wait for tomorrow, I guess.