"as much as everyone seems to want me to be hopelessly pining for my straight best friend, it just isn't like that"
the dialogue this season and honestly just this episode has been so. purposeful and specific. and also crazy. and this line sort of went over my head when i watched at first because i was so genuinely thrown off by the fact that this was a real conversation we were having in the first place
my initial reaction was twofold: 1. who is Everyone, buck? what are you talking about? no one has actually accused you of this. You're the only person who's used any of these words. and 2. you're really leaning on straight here. is it just that he's straight? what if he wasn't?
but. beyond all of that. i basically woke up in a cold sweat and i'm probably in the early stages of cornplating but. buck. what do you mean by hopelessly pining?
who said it's hopeless? do YOU think it's hopeless? buck do you think the only outcome -- IF -- you were in love with eddie (which you're NOT) is that it would be hopeless pining? is it because he's straight? is it because he's your best friend? is it because he's left you?
is it because you understand that tommy would be threatened by what you and eddie have (which is what, exactly?) because it's that special? that big and important? so important that you can't look at it directly?
because tommy said essentially two sentences in that conversation: 1. the competition is gone and 2. you're living in his house. he said nothing about being in love with eddie, he didn't even do very much to imply that BUCK was the one he was worried about. if anything, it feels like tommy was saying like: i feel in competition with eddie. that competition could have been coming from eddie OR from buck. and considering eddie has physically left and buck is so hung up on him that he's living in his fucking house, but he STILL felt that the competition is gone?? i think he was more threatened by eddie than by buck. tommy thinks he has a chance with buck because eddie isn't in the picture, even though they're fucking standing in eddie's goddamn kitchen. so like i am personally saying that tommy is ignoring the very obvious eddie shaped hole in buck's heart, but then buck is defensive in the other direction. he overcorrects and makes obvious his feelings that tommy was purposefully ignoring
buck SWERVES by saying "i'm not in love with eddie. and even if i was, which i'm not, it wouldn't be requited anyway. i would be hopelessly pining after him. good thing i'm not. good thing i don't have feelings for eddie, but even if i did, it's not like i sleep with everyone i have feelings for."
it's all very. out there. they're doubling down on this thing that we've all known for ages but some people are just starting to see: buck has put thought into this. not a lot of thought. i don't know if i would say he's realized his feelings. but i think he's had the thought: "eddie? no, he's straight. that's a relief because everything would change and he's not even here and it could be bad. i won't put myself through that" and never analyzed it further. to me he has the defensiveness of a man who has locked something away
even in his imaginary scenario where buck is in love with eddie like "everybody" seems to want him to be. eddie doesn't love him back. he has shut out the idea so completely that he's not even saying. people want us to be together. people think we're so close that we could be dating. he's saying: there is no universe where eddie loves me back. if i WERE in love with him (which im NOT) i would be Helplessly Pining after him. forever.
so maybe i'm wrong. and he does know. i don't sleep with everyone i have feelings for. i don't sleep with everyone i have feelings for.
