#0008 what friendship or relationship do you regret ended badly?
09.22.2019
My relationship with my now ex-wife ended horribly and I regret it so much.
She and I met in 11th grade at the JVS (vocational high school). We were forced to sit next to each other in Mr. Weldy’s science class. I showed up late to class on the first day of school (new building, new environment- I got lost) and the seat next to her was the only one open in the class of 40-some odd people. She had some major RBF going on. She sat there with her bookbag and paraphernalia spread out all over the table, arms crisscrossed, she gave me about 6 inches of space on the tabletop and immediately said “DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME” when I sat down and quietly said hello. And, did I mention she had on a pink t-shirt with green lettering that said “Princess” on it? What a trip this chick was.
So, on the first day of class, not only did I get to sit next to this wonderful abundance of hospitality and warmth- we got paired together to make concrete boats for a regatta the next week between the local community college and the JVS kids. But that’s when things started to change in our relationship. We worked well together on that project and actually won the competition. We started off as friends and seemingly got close by the third or fourth month of school. I was really in a confused way at the time about my sexuality, all my guy-friends were dating girls from our class, there was slim-pickings with the gay community in the high school and I didn’t feel comfortable with how I felt, so to make my time easier I asked her out on a date. We went to the Midwinter dance our junior year together.
On one hand, I asked her out because I was tired of being ostracized for being single and not dating a girl. On the other, I was nowhere comfortable enough coming-out in high school. I had no one to talk to about it, the guidance counselor at the JVS referred me to a pastor to talk about me feeling like I was gay (big mistake- can we say I just about had to endure some bible-banging endorsed conversion therapy and was also threatened that my pastor at my local church would be informed, thus informing my parents). My dad was and still is an ultra-religious hardcore conservative Christian and mom couldn’t ever keep her mouth shut about anything going on with me and I knew it would devastate her if I told her I was having proclivities towards men… so I just pushed it away and rolled with it, thinking my feelings and psyche would change over time. Obviously, it never did.
I wish I would have had the courage and strength to just make a declaration in high school, at age 16, that I was gay and start living that life then. I did a lot of damage to myself tucking that away from age 16 to 34- when I formally come out to most of my family and all of my friends. My dad still doesn’t know, I think he suspects because I’ve been doing things this year like going to pride events, drag shows, becoming close with a great “guy-friend” and spending time with him more than what is a little out of the ‘norm’ for me. My mental health, physical health and emotional health have suffered greatly from stifling something so hurtful for 18 years.
Ok, back on track with my story: she and I dated all through high school and soon became the “it-couple” at the JVS. We were voted most likely to get married, most likely to have babies first and I won Mr. Romance- it’s all documented in the yearbook my class made for each other. So stupid.
I won’t go into the entire story of how our relationship unraveled, because I could write a book on my feeling and opinions, but I will say this: we dated from 2002-2008 and got married in October that last year. She had accused me of being gay on and off at times in our relationship for various reasons but what really drove the point home and caused the accusations to fly was a trip to Cedar Point with some mutual co-worker friends of ours.
Long story short, drinks were poured and consumed in massive amounts, weed was floating around and I got really comfortable- enough to let my guard completely down. Not to mention I had always had a crush on the husband of the other couple that was camping with us at Cedar Point that weekend. He kept getting more drunk as the night went on, my ex and his wife went outside to have a smoke and light the bonfire and he and I made out after playing some “couple sex games” between all four of us. I just went for it. That was the first time I ever kissed a man. My ex and his wife walked back in, caught us and then that forced me to open up and talk to my ex about things. He had to talk to his wife too, because it turns out he was a repressed bisexual man and she never knew. It was a totally fucked up situation. And there is a lot more to the story, but it’s not fit for public consumption. Actually, what I’ve said so far probably isn’t either.
My ex and I went through hell after that, divorcing a short time later. She went out and obtained a relationship with another man inside of our marriage while I did not date anyone else of either sex while we were still married. Honestly though, we had really emotionally split from each other years prior and it 100% was and is my fault. We were on autopilot for several years. I ultimately wrecked her heart by not being able to tell her how I felt and what I wanted. She felt used as a front for my inability to be at peace with myself. It’s taken me a long time to get over that and I have forgiven myself for it, but I have not forgotten what I did to her. She and I haven’t spoken since our divorce and I doubt we ever will but if I ever did, the first thing I would do would be apologize to her for being inauthentic with her. I regret my decisions and I take full responsibility for them; however, I am happy to know (although not completely verified) that she is still with the same man and I know they have a daughter together. From what I am told she is doing well, and I wish her and him the best of luck. I have moved on too. I’m navigating a new lifestyle with a ton of new friends and finding out where I fit into things. I can honestly say in terms of relationships and with coming to terms with my sexuality, I am happy. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life and I hope whatever comes her way, she is content and well pleased with her life.