I’m realizing how different and distinct isolation and loneliness are from each other. I was thinking how I have never felt as alone as I do right now. But then my brain immediately reacted by saying that that wasn’t true, and going back to the exact times I’d felt lonelier, and the loneliest. I could feel it, and it was immediately clear to me that this was definitely NOT the loneliest I have felt. But it was the most SOMETHING, something that still made me feel on my own. But in a different sense? It’s not that I feel I have one I could talk to naturally, no one that really cares, no one that would sympathize with me, no one that would want to be there for me, it wasn’t that, because I do have all of those things. And remembering what it was like to not have them forces me to recognize how inignorable it is that I have those things. But with that being said, I never before felt so unable to talk to people about the things I desperately need to discuss with someone. The nature of the most distressing issues in my life is such that, it feels like I can’t bring it up to anyone, especially if they care about me. And the fact that I have so many concerns that I can’t speak about, makes conversation with the people closest to me disingenuous and labored. This has resulted in me talking to the only people close to me less, and made talking to them tiring emotionally. And if feels like there’s nothing I can do about it. And I have no way real to explain it. I’m drifting away from everyone. And I guess that feels like isolation as opposed to loneliness. And I honestly don’t know which one is worse for me.
