#1 am rambles

[andrewskittles]

the shark inside of lime’s weapon having eyes instead of a visor implies that sharks are one of, if not the only animal in the universe that they live in that has eyes. (worms dont count, they dont have eyes anyways) heracles has a visor, the dolphin on the front of cyan’s journal has a visor. the shark is the only animal we see (again, minus the worms) that doesn’t have a visor

its 1 am i need to sleep

[kitts-mechanix]

I just had a huge realisation yesterday and I wanted to share this after going through some pretty horrible stuff over the weekend: Something I've always asked myself ever since getting into G1 Transformers was "why do you like Starscream so much even though he's a narcissistic bully? Why are you, someone who is a victim of narcissistic abuse, taking comfort in a narcissistic character?" Well, I think I finally figured it out. Because Starscream is also a victim of that very same abuse. I mean, he's beaten, called names, bullied, unappreciated, abused, and put through the wringer…and he internalised all that abuse because he knew no other way. He had no one to turn to, and the few bots who did support him, he treated like dirt. Once he had that freedom and power, he abused it and became the very thing that abused him. I have no doubt he was always self-centred, selfish, had a huge ego, etc. before all that but honestly? I think Megatron's abuse caused him to turn out the way he did. I could have turned out that way and it's a little scary, some of the parallels I'm drawing with him.

@ichbinmeltdown wrote a great analysis on Starscream that I want to share here:

"Megatron was abusive as hell to Starscream. He treated him horribly, and I legitimately almost cried a few times watching it. There's an episode called Starscream's Brigade that introduces the Combaticons, and I think that perfectly demonstrates the cycle of abuse. The entire world is against Starscream at pretty much every turn throughout the series, but none more so than Megatron. Every word out of his speech synthesizer to Starscream is to berate him, and he's constantly throwing him around, beating him, even ripping out his speech synthesizer in a scene from a previous episode (Hoist Goes Hollywood, IIRC). His own teammates don't like him, and even his brothers- Skywarp and Thundercracker, going off of the idea they're brothers- just... allow Megatron to abuse him. (Not to get into headcanons here, but I personally believe that Megatron's abuse fractured the Elite Trine's family dynamic. They are still brothers and love each other, but they're all too afraid of Megatron to really... stand up for each other as they did in the past.) And Starscream seemed to just snap in this episode. He treated the Combaticons poorly, and even when teaming up with Shockwave, he subjected him to a lot of the same ridicule and torment that Megatron put him through. He failed to realize Shockwave was the one of the only bots who would give him a chance- and unfortunately lashed out at him, which ruined his chances of Shockwave ever being a true friend and ally to him. Once Starscream had finally gotten a taste of power and not being under another bot's boot, he too became the very thing that he lived in fear of. And that really is how the cycle goes- when you're finally free from abuse, it can be tempting to overcompensate and take back all the power you were robbed of, at any cost whatsoever. Starscream, like D16 in Transformers One, snapped up this opportunity."

And the sad thing is, I've seen this in real life and I've internalised some of the abuse I've dealt with too. I'm not proud of it. Like the Seeker Trine, my own family dynamic has been fractured by similar abuse. I know there's traces of narcissism in my behaviour too, and I'm NOT proud of it. Maybe this is why I can forgive Starscream for being a narc, because I can see a little bit of my own personality/attitude/behaviour in him. Maybe it's because I know where it came from, I get why he acts that way and it's not just random and out of the blue. Maybe it's because--and I know this is a bold statement--I don't think he would do some of the stuff my own family did to me (blah blah blah he's a fictional character).

I didn't mean for this to turn into a long rant, so

TLDR: I finally figured out that part of the reason I love and relate to Starscream so much despite him internalising some of the abuse I went through, is because he was the victim of that same abuse.

[raileurta]

Adderall didn’t have an effect on me, feels like I both failed and succeeded at Adhd.

[inamagicalhallucination]

strength always seems to be linked to the ability to stand alone, which is why i think so many ppl overlook atsushi's growth

in the beginning of the manga atsushi is filled with self doubt and the second he thinks he's bringing trouble to the ada he turns and tries to leave and go on the run

now mind you atsushi has just felt for the first time something that could be acceptance (say what you want about dazai's blackmailing, but has anyone wanted atsushi enough to try and trick him into staying? not the best way, i know but in all its um dazai-ness, it did show that atsushi had something (his ability, etc) that was worth having) and the second he thinks he's hurting them he tries to leave --- he doesn't ask for help, he doesn't try and talk it out, he stands alone

and i dont think atsushi's weak for doing this, mind you. atsushi's kindness and selflessness are both things that are part of his character, and i dont think the headmaster had any part of it, despite what atsushi believes --- but for all it shows atsushi's care, selflessness, and kindness, it also shows how little he values himself and how much he believes he's essentially unimportant

(editing to add: it also shows his inability to trust the ada's strength overall, and their commitment to their members, and his own role as a part of them)

him leaving shows that atsushi has always been alone -- at the orphanage, with the headmasters "attention" he was alone, in his suffering, his pain --- or perhaps its that he's alone because the headmaster follows him forever - becuz in a way he's surrounded but yet somehow he's all he's ever had

when in 55 minutes atsushi tells kunikida and dazai about time travelling, its not a show of weakness it's a show of growth

it shows that atsushi has learned that he doesn't have to be alone. atsushi can rely on others --- even if atsushi still thinks the worst of himself, he's starting to think of himself as part of the agency -- as someone who can ask for help

strength and growth arent only the ability to stand alone --- which mind you atsushi has done -- he's done it for 18 years and he may not have lived but he fucking survived with all odds against him, he survived and with all the makings of bitterness and anger, he did his best to be kind

but atsushi doesn't have to be alone -- humans aren't meant to be alone, he's better when he's with people he can trust and with the agency he's able to have that and he's able to understand that he has that

atsushi's character goes from someone who only has himself to someone who can rely on others --- someone who can be strong becuase he has people, and who, when weak, still has them

this is pretty much explained by atsushi himself on the boat pre-akutagawa

atsushi has always been alone. but now that he's tasted what not being alone is he doesn't know how to be alone anymore -- not because he's weak but because he's grown as a character, because he's changed

because he knows that he can be around people who won't hurt him

atsushi fights stronger when he's with akutagawa because strength isn't being alone, it's the ability to trust others -- despite only learning why you should never -- it's the ability to reach out and stand next to someone as their equal and fight together

atsushi is easily one of the strongest characters, because he's finally learned he can rely on people

his character growth and development are breathtaking to watch

[littleprettykitten]

Imagine Jason is sitting on the couch reading his book of the week and softly smiling at whatever scene playing out on those pages..

But he looks so good, you smile because he is smiling - so just going over to kiss his cheek and telling him.. "I love your smile babe."

Or maybe

There was some joke both you can't stop laughing at and you are almost on him, your legs tangled, your head hitting his shoulder as a new wave of laughter hit you and he is warm and his touch tingles and he is laughing with you and you are just so happy!!

You just need a moment to breathe because this is what home feels like, you reached here after so much effort and he is just so precious to you. He is your everything and does he know it?

"You are my favorite human! " You blurt out and his eyes crinkle when he smiles.

Or maybe

Sometimes when you are sleepy and use him as a pillow. he can't really let you sleep on the couch so he tries to wake you up but you are clinging to him like koala because you don't want to let go so he just picks you up and you give him a sleepy peck on lips, burrowing closer and murmur into his chest about him being so big and always feeling safe with him.

I love to compliment guys. they are great and they deserve to hear it! Nothing big, random mundane stuff - something just because..

[thecatron2000]

Littlebigplanet peak

[29screamingturtles]

Griefs weird. I forget more often then not that my dads dead. On a level i know always but caught up in the mundane life i forget he’s not here. It’ll be a year in August and i still forget its been that long.

Having Aphantasia (the inability to voluntarily visualize mental images) making grief different as well. I have never been able to ‘see’ peoples faces in my mind and that causes me to be truly terrible at putting names to faces. Its worse with grief, I can’t visualize what my fathers face looks like. I know what he looked like, the wrinkles on his face, the slow silvering of his black coarse hair. But i cant see him, and besides from photos ill never be able to see him again. And its gut wrenching. I can’t see anything in my mind and i miss him so much, i lost the ability to truly see my dad the day he died.

It was sudden, unexpected and will affect me the rest of my life. At a turning point in my life i was turned upside down and i feel like a turtle on their back wiggling my legs unable to right myself. Between spending freshman year in covid and my freshman year of college grappling with grief i dont feel grown up. I feel like a kids whos lying to everyone around me. When life gives you lemons they go straight for the eyes and start squeezing. Take that depressive grief stricken heart and keep walking.

And therapy, therapy and meds are a blessing and dont let anyone tell you otherwise

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk and apologizes for the trauma dump online

[madrone33]

Short poem I wrote at, like, 1 am lol. Might add more verses later :)

Oh Ignorance!

How simple it is to live there!

To walk those halls with footfalls steady and sure

Expecting to see what you know

Seeing what you know to expect

And finding both are true

For though you walk the floors

Your eyes don’t linger

And you don’t see

That the images on the walls

Are drawn atop glass

That what you stand upon

Is only there because you haven’t looked down

But you cannot see

For you do not look

And why would you

When you already know what to see

And already see what you know

And so you walk the halls with a mind steady and sure

Finding only the simplicity

Of what you know and expect