Discover Top Posts Tagged with #1.29.24

📸 • kennethchoi: Magic Mike: Fire Brigade (1.29.24)

#ryan guzman #january 2024 #1.29.24 #📸#with kenneth

ART FLASHBACK: January 29th

#unbelievable!! its a hokomate #hokomate!!#1.29.24 #art flashback!!#pokemon lian

Yearning for an era long gone

#1.29.24 #I can bring it back #I can bring it back.#I can make it come back

If I didn't build my form around soemthing

#no mold to hold myself #pathetic form #Weak form #1.29.24

Sometimes the longing for who I used to be is visceral.

I was reading this… compilation earlier, that I wrote when I was 24. Which is not terribly long ago, even though it feels it. And the way I wrote about the boy I liked then — it's how I always wanted to feel about someone. He didn't deserve that saturation of feeling, but I miss the way everything seemed brighter in its wake.

It made the world feel bright and shiny and new again. And here I am, freshly thirty and in love for the first time, and it's wonderful, and the man I'm with is extraordinary. I adore him in so many ways, and so much that sometimes I feel like I could explode with it. He feels so safe and warm and I feel good being around him. I've never had anything so steady with someone before, and I've tried to be careful of that pitfall, right? Of like—do I just feel sad sometimes because it's something healthy and I'm not used to that? But it's not that I find being with him boring, by any means. I love the stability of it. I love not constantly being in my head, drowning in insecurity and wondering if today is the day he changes his mind about me, or was that thing I said stupid? I just trust him, with everything in me. And I don't take that for granted for a second, how special and wonderful that is, how lonely I was for so long and how nice it is to have someone solid to lean on. There's nothing wrong. But sometimes, it feels like a gut punch that none of it happened like I wanted or dreamt of for so long. And sometimes, no matter how much I adore him, and how much chemistry I felt with him, and how very real it is, there's this niggling little worry that I allowed myself to lean into it when I perhaps previously wouldn't because I was nearing thirty and so desperately lonely for companionship in that way that it felt like a physical ache. And I could absolutely do worse than an incredibly kind man who treats me like a princess., you know?

And it feels so shallow, some silly schoolgirl fantasy, the things I always wanted. But I think reckoning with it is made even harder when I know people like I imagined exist. It just breaks my heart a little sometimes, when I see young couples. They can build a life together, you know? And there's no generational divide. I always dreamt of someone who just sort of intrinsically understood me. Who liked what I liked. Maybe not all of it (though that would've been cool), but most of it. Was passionate about words and music like me. Maybe even wrote, too, or played an instrument. Liked to cook. Liked to read. Understood internet humor and memes. Was witty, and self-possessed. And had that particular look I've always been drawn to—tall, lanky, refined. Dark, messy hair. Maybe glasses. And it's like—I had to wait until almost thirty to be in love, and I kept thinking, all those years, 'well, this just means that when I do meet someone, it'll be more likely I'll stay with them a long time.' And I pictured meeting someone, and eventually moving in together, maybe getting married, having some pets. Carving out a life together. Just for me to end up with someone twice my age. Someone who has young kids. Someone who lives an hour from me, in a place I don't see myself living that has no real job prospects because it's so small, and he can't move because of his children. And I adore his kids, truly — but again, if I was going to end up with someone that much older, the perk would've been that he was DONE with raising kids. The biggest perk in this scenario is that he doesn't want anyMORE, which is good, because I don't want any. And female friends. That's something I've wanted for so long, too. I don't know if I've ever had genuine female friendship. I had some really good friends when I was in school, but I also was terrified of fully being myself at that juncture of my life, and when that's your foundation, the relationships suffer. I never really let any of them in. And I kind of made some in 2022, but we didn't mesh and it just turned out to be a bust. They were all younger than me, one of them was super flaky, even if she was very sweet, one of them got into a relationship with a piece of shit dude and dropped off the face of the planet, and the other one just wasn't a very good friend to me. And then I think — well, maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I expect too much. But it doesn't seem like too much to expect people who consider themselves your friend to be consistent and kind to you. I don't know. Sometimes you just sort of wonder what it's all for, all these little dreams our head comes up with.

#1.29.24

[ID: A computer homescreen screenshot with a tab of the game Spring Falls open to the title screen. The wallpaper of the screen is a drawing of a woman with a video game controller in her hands while another person lies next to her. The placement of the Spring Falls tab is next to the woman and above the other person, and also makes it somewhat appear like she is playing the game in the tab. (End ID).]

I did this last week week and it’s entertaining to me

#vygen #1.29.24 #january 2024 #year 2024