My mom looks at me with so much hope it kind of scares me. Right now that woman is working two jobs to keep our house up and I can see how tired she is now that she's starting to hit her mid 50′s. The fact that she’s never complained once about the amount of work she does for us always makes me feel a little guilty (even though I know that’s not what she wants). She always tells me how proud she is that I’m going to school and working towards a good future for myself. I tell her that one day I’ll find a job that’ll support all of us and a job thats going to finally let her relax and let go of these heavy burdens her and my dad hold onto all the time.
I’m majoring in engineering because I do enjoy math/physics/science in general but the classes I’m taking all at once is taxing. I want to work hard for my family because I see how hard they work for me, but I don't feel like I’m succeeding in everything I need to be doing. I’m trying hard to balance everything but fuck it’s hard. I don’t usually like complaining because I know there are people who are in the same boat as me and some people who probably have it a lot worse than I could imagine, but it doesn’t make anything feel easier. I’ve posted about this before but I’m trying to balance six things: school, work, gym, family, friends, and a boyfriend. Considering this fall I’m going to be having 12 hour school days mon-thurs because of all the gaps I have, that leaves my work hours for fri-sun. Those are the things that take up so much time and the fact that my school is half an hour away or an hour with bay area traffic, it makes finding time to do things in those gaps between my classes hard to do. Time management has never necessarily been my thing...but I really have no option other than to figure it out. Gym between classes? Squeeze lunch in with friends? Find time for dinner with my family...go see a quick movie with Nicky...I know it’s not impossible, but it just makes everything feel so frantic. I really enjoy quality time with the people I love. It makes me a little sad to think I have to give a lot of that up during the school year.
I guess overall what I’m feeling right now is fear? Fear that I won’t be able to actually give my parents what I’m telling them I will. Everything about school is absolutely terrifying to me. This major specifically makes my head throb thinking about it sometimes. If I can’t handle the pressure of these classes then I don’t know whats gonna happen. Even though I don’t feel pressure directly from my parents to do well...I don't know how I would handle myself if I had to tell them that I couldn’t keep up with my major and I’m going to have to finish 2 more years of different GE’s and have my grad date pushed even farther back. I feel like I’m in such a rush to just finish school and get a job so they can hand me all the responsibilities they’ve been holding for 30+ years.
Growing up my parents have been so good to me. My parents are honest to god such amazing people and the love and support I’ve gotten from both of them my whole life is more than I could ask for. I just want to give them everything back. I want to make them really proud. Right now I can’t say I’m proud of where I am. If I let them down I don’t know how I would live with myself. I’m just trying to sort my life out right now and tbh...I’m not doing a very good fucking job!!!!!!
