nothing is concrete

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Breaking Point

Hasn’t bought the ring. Will barely even look at them online. Won’t prioritize me. Gets frustrated every time I try to talk about it. Tries to act like it’s all my fault that he never has time.

I told him I will be done soon if this doesn’t change and he doesn’t start following through on all the broken promises.

I want commitment.

I cry and cry and cry and tell him how over life I am. I lay awake thinking of ways to die. He doesn’t even seem to care.

But we also have these moments where I know we are soulmates. Idk how I’d live without him. I could never separate him for our pets but I can’t be away from them either.

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Getting There

He says he is trying to buy the ring in the next week. Our engagement photos are booked for next month.

I asked how long he’d wait to move on after I die and he said he probably wouldn’t move on. He’d just make sure the pets were taken care of and then he’d go too.

I asked how much he loves me and he said with his whole life and with the pets’ lives.

He has been all over me again lately.

I just want everything to fall into place.

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Progress?

So yesterday he spilled his heart to me about family matters that he refused to talk about for the past 4.5 years. It felt like a big step.

Our wedding date is booked but we still aren’t engaged. He says by the end of the year. Tomorrow is October.

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I’m so miserable.

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Waiting Game

I feel so defeated since I last posted. Still not engaged. That’s all I have the energy to say right now.

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He Wants Dis

D has been alllll over me the past few days. I love when he’s like this. I feel so close to him and I can’t wait to be engaged (hopefully within the next few months- probably December at the earliest) lol people around us keep getting engaged and married and I am impatient for our turn. I just love him so much I can’t stand it sometimes hahaha

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Yo it’s been a minute

Last night he called me Mrs. Reitz in bed and I wanted to screeeeeam!! Marry me now, bitch.

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Y U So Obsessed With Me

Lately D has been super into me. Idk why he seems to love me more than usual, but he definitely does. He keeps wanting to have sex, kiss, say cute things, etc. Last night he insisted on eating me out and giving me a massage. Honestly my sex drive hasn’t been what it usually is and I feel like he’s picking up the slack. I’m not complaining at all, it’s really nice, but I’m just curious if something made him feel this way lately.

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Ring Ring Hello

D said he sees us getting engaged in the next year. Also, we just booked 2 trips- one to the Poconos in September and one to the mountains of Maryland in December… so maybe it’ll happen at one of those locations :) The Poconos cabin is a special place for us and the trip is right after our 2 1/2 year anniversary and his 29th birthday, which feels like perfect timing.

I never shut up about rings I like and part of me thinks he already got one or he’s about to. We’ll see…..

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2022 Updates

So much has changed since I last posted on this, but I’ve been feeling the urge to do it again.

I’m pretty happy right now. Derrek and I are in a great place, I just got a new job that I like so far, and I just got another nephew!

Of course, I’m deeply longing for something. When am I not? I want to be engaged to the man I love with all of my heart. He says he will love me forever, so why not slap a ring on it? I talk about it constantly and I know it’s annoying, but I have found the most beautiful rings and I know I want to spend my life with him, so why wait? I would honestly just propose to him, but I know that’s not what he wants and it’s not really what I want either. I’m TRYING to be patient, but I’m hoping it happens this year or next year at the very latest.

A funny thing is the fact that I have read all of these posts to him now. Idk if I will continue to and if he will see this one. I just want him to know about every crevice of me.

Ok that’s enough of an update for now. Maybe I’ll be back soon.

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So close

We’ve had so much sex lately and it has been great. Yesterday he came 4 or 5 times and got me the closest I’ve ever been. I stopped it of course because my body sabotages me, but it would have happened otherwise. I’m so glad that I like being with him physically so much and he feels the same way I think. He definitely loves when I give him head and can’t get enough of that ;)

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No love

We’ve been together basically every single day since the last post. I’ve stayed at his house for like 4 nights straight now. Neither of us have said that again so of course my overthinking brain believes that he regrets saying it and is probably glad that I said it back when I was kinda drunk. I keep almost saying it all the time but then that runs through my mind. I feel like I’m back at square one again. Fuck.

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I love you

So this kinda ties the last two posts together into a nice little bow lol... two days ago Derrek was spending time with my family a lot and I got really upset for a few reasons, but mainly because I don’t get to be around his family like that and it seems like he doesn’t ever want me to. I went off and cried by myself while he hung out with my mom and chuckles. When he came to check on me I tried to hide how upset I was. 

Yesterday we were having an amazing day and then he was on the phone with his mom and yet again pretended he wasn’t with me and made up his fake life yet again. I started crying and tried to hide it but he could tell. He was about to go pick up the chinese food that we ordered so he needed to leave but kept trying to get me to say what was wrong and I didn’t wanna talk about it. THEN he said “I love you” in the most sincere way before he left. I did not say it back. I didn’t say anything. Maybe “mhm” or made a little noise.

After he left to get our food I cleaned up my tears and poured myself my third or fourth glass of wine to try to pull myself together. When he got back I acted like nothing was wrong again. I wasn’t sure if his words earlier on had just been an attempt at cheering me up. Therefore my mission was to get drunk enough to ask him if he meant it when he said he loved me and to hopefully say it back to him. We watched Community for a while and I tried to get the both of us fairly drunk. 

A few hours went by and I finally got the courage to ask him if he meant what he had said before he left earlier. At first he was confused but then he told me that he did mean it because he “cares about me a lot.” I told him that I had never said it to anyone before. He assured me that I didn’t have to say if I didn’t want to. I said “but I doooo” and he joked “what? you do wanna get married?!” and I said “nooo I loooooove you!” in the most stupidly slurred (but admittedly kinda cute) way. He again told me I didn’t have to say it back and was shocked when I admitted that I hadn’t said it to anyone besides family, a few friends, and maybe crushes from preteen years before. I told him that I had been wanting to say it for a while, but that I wanted to wait until he said it first. It was a really sweet moment.

Now I’m really happy about this. I’m glad we can openly say we love each other and as dumb as it sounds I’m excited to text it to each other and say it on the phone as well. I just wish the other issue could be resolved too. Hopefully it will be before too long.

For now I’ll just be content with the fact that I love him and he loves me back.

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I want to love u

I love him so much, but I haven’t told him that yet. If we are being honest here, I’ve loved him for a long time. I’m so IN love with him now. I feel like he does feel the same way, although I’m not sure he’s ready to say it.

This feels like deja vu if you look back to old posts from 4 years ago lol but derrek isn’t taylor!!! he’s nothing like him. he does care about me and he shows it every single day. I have very few issues with our relationship. Obviously there’s the issue I addressed in the last post and some other little things, but it’s been amazing lately.

I keep waiting for him to say it first and then he does say things like “love me” when he wants me to cuddle him, “gimme your love and affection”, and he did actually say “I love you” when he was very drunk and tired once. I always tell him to stop because he doesn’t mean it and he brushes it off. The time he was drunk he insisted that he does love me and I said “ok then we will see if you remember that tomorrow when you’re sober and awake” and he was sure he would. He didn’t.

I almost say it all the time, but then I suck it back in. I haven’t said it to anyone since stupid middle school relationships that didn’t matter. I wanted to say it to Taylor and look how that ended. So I just wait for him to say it when he’s fully coherent. I’m just terrified that he’ll never say it or it’ll be months before he does. Ugh idk what to do.

I just want us to be openly in love and I want to be able to say it to him and I want him to hear it from his mouth and read it in texts and I want us to shout it from the rooftops lol

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dirty lil secret

it rips my heart into a thousand pieces every time I remember that my boyfriend doesn’t talk to his family about me. they know absolutely nothing about me. they don’t even know he has a girlfriend. he talks to his mom and sisters every day and yet they don’t know about us.

my family has known about him since long before we were official and a few of them met him long ago. they all “re-met” him after we became official (which he was reluctant to) and I talk about him to them all the time. i get that he’s more private when it comes to relationships than I am, but it has been almost 3 months since we’ve officially been a thing and yeah, I couldn’t really meet them right now because of the whole quarantine thing, but Jesus Christ could he maybe at least mention that I exist once?!? every time his mom calls I have to be quiet and he sort of lies about what he’s doing and why he can’t see her. it really hurts.

we’re so happy in pretty much every other way, but every time I think about this it makes me feel like shit.

ps I am typing this while he’s on the phone with his mom in the bathroom lol

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I would just like to point out that the last two posts were both at 1:10pm. I’m going to analyze this for longer than necessary now.

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la rona

ok so I’m getting back to this a little later than planned, but whatever. so much is happening right now...not just with me, but with the entire world. when I posted the last entry, I felt differently than I do now. I needed to un-cloud my foggy head, but it is clearer now. 

the world has been dealing with this coronavirus situation for over a month now. I have been “socially distancing”, “quarantining”, “on lockdown” for the most part for a month now. this shit is insane. who knows how long it is going to last. 

that’s all I’ve got for now.