#10162020

[batshaped]

over the summer of 2020 i became briefly obsessed with drawing the feeling of when your entire eye is full of a tear

[notababy-babygirl]

Yiiiiie. Pano mapupuno yung kulang kulang? Bayern. Daming squammy sa fb talaga. 😪

Goodmorning! 🙂 TGIF tayiz

Sapato. UMAGANG UMAGA nangdadaot. 😂 Naku Aunties, sa pm tayis makalat. Atleast. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

[oliver-hawthorn]

I am alive.

I am here.

I keep finding excuses to repeat that, lately.

In a poorly written poem.

As a reply to customers at work who ask who I am.

Reporting my location to the other players on a game.

I wrote a note today and I haven't done that

In a long time.

I dont write a note when I plan on carrying through,

Though.

The notes are the opposite.

Writing out a note forces the acknowledgement

Of all of the people in my life who love me.

Who would hurt without me.

I didn't write it to say goodbye.

I wrote it to remind myself

Not to consider that an option.

I have always struggled

In convincing myself of things like that.

I know I am loved but phrasing it that way

Has always felt selfish and undeserved, somehow.

I can't tell myself "I have to stay alive for my friends",

That implies a responsibility on their part, somehow.

Instead its "i would be sorry if my leaving hurt them."

It feels more like my fault that way,

Im more comfortable

With that.

What I mean to say is-

I have a complicated relationship with

Guilt.

Im trying to make it simple enough

To make sense,

So I guess

Writing a note means

Itemizing.

Consider every facet of the outcome.

Acknowledge the hurt you would cause.

Apologize to every single person you love.

Apologize to the people you believe

When they tell you they love you.

The more apologies you have to write,

The more you end up thinking about

Everything you really still have.

I wonder if that's why she mentioned

So few people, when she wrote hers.

I wonder how many she wrote before it was

Too short to work, anymore.

These are the kinds of things I don't really

Know how to talk about with most people.

"I wrote a suicide note so that I'd stop feeling suicidal"

"I preemptively mentally apologize to the people I love for dying to remind myself that Im not dead yet"

"Sometimes thinking about how angry I was at her for dying-"

Sometimes there's not a pretty way.

Sometimes the explanations are ugly.

On the days I'm only alive because of

The Guilt,

I'm still alive,

And if it keeps me alive enough to live

All of the days that Im not,

Really, how ugly can that guilt be?

And there are days where it isnt just that.

There are more days, all the time.

More days every year week,

Every month,

Every year.

And im trying.

And even on the days when it doesnt look like it,

That means i can get better.

And am getting better.

And im here.

I am alive.

And I'll be here, alive, tomorrow, too.

[notababy-babygirl]

Gusto ko na umuwi and magMovie Marathon with famo. ❤ Friday night is mahhhh night.

Natapos ko na Reply 1988. Wow dun sa part na almost 2hrs per episode pero tyinaga ko padin. May boring parts pero lamang padin yung kilig ko kela SunWoo and BoRa.

Pero mas wow dun sa stalker na until dito sa tumblr e naghahanap ng chismis. Iba na nagagawa ng gutom talaga.

Uwi na tayo please.

[notababy-babygirl]

Be at home and braless. Urgh. So excited.

[dubstepcarcommercial]

Butt implants and corsets achieve the same goal change my mind

[dubstepcarcommercial]

ok ppl w EBT I just learned something:

--if something is otherwise eligible for food stamps (ie, edible product, not served hot) but you’re not sure about it bc it might be considered a supplement (ex: protein powder), BUT has a NUTRITION FACTS LABEL, it IS eligible to be bought with food stamps

--if the supplement/questioned item has a SUPPLEMENT FACTS LABEL, it is NOT eligible for food stamps

[mortifiedandawesome]

SPIDER MAKING A WEB IN MY MAILBOX!!

It IS the hallowe’en!!!!

“I promise not to kill you”