So I guess. Let’s just. Let’s start with a disclaimer. I understand these emotions are illogical. I understand they are rooted in things I was taught by a deeply traumatized individuals and a deeply toxic relationships. I understand they grew as a response to unpleasant feelings that occurred later but those feelings happened as a result of healthy actions. This is just my time to do as my therapist says, feel it without judging or analyzing, then nurture it.
Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture.
I can recognize that emotions are transient, that eventually everyone who’s ever loved me just won’t anymore. When relationships end people heal. When people heal they stop feeling so hurt, and that hurt comes from loving someone you can’t have or from forcing yourself away from someone you love. That can’t have and that being away don’t change. That’s what breakups are. So eventually, they stop loving you. Everyone who’s ever told me that I’m the rock of their planet, that I’m the first thing they think about as they wake up and the last thing they cum to before they pass out. They’ll forget me, they’ve forgotten me. Eventually.
And the thing is. I don’t get to see that pain. I don’t get to see the months, weeks, days of crying. I don’t get to see the development. The Work that it took to not love me anymore. To me, it just occurs. Inevitably. Hell, some people were verbally and continuously glad to be rid of me, even as I gave them all this little damaged heart could. For every person who’s told me I brightened up their soul till they radiated like the sun I have Never seen them dim when I was gone. That’s part of a healthy breakup. That you don’t see them or get to help them or witness their healing.
It is part of a healthy break up, but it makes me feel like I didn’t matter.
They said so many nice things, but after it all I didn’t matter.
They loved me with every atom in them, but afterwards, I didn’t matter.
I’m not going to matter. Inevitably.
I poured thousands. Thousands and thousands of dollars into someone I loved because I wanted them to end off better than I found them. I have not a goddamn clue if I mattered at all.
I have loved people quite often with all I could muster, every last part of me I could bring to bear. Only to find within a year or so once we were done they were moved on, healed, married. At least three times, at this point. To find no disruption to them from my being gone. It is a healthy part of a breakup to move on, and that you don’t involve the other person in your own personal healing. I just currently feel like I don’t matter.
I don’t know how to feel like I do. I can be reassured every which way but the thing is that the fact that you’re here to do the reassuring means that you haven’t actually gone through the experience of getting over me. You can tell me all the things you feel and think now. But I still have no clue or concept on if that’ll persist. Emotions are transient.
Do you need to matter?
I want to, I want to leave people better than I found them.
But you don’t believe that you have, even if their situation tangibly improved.
I want to feel missed. Like me not being there is some detriment.
You feel stressed when people require you or your time though.?
Oi, just cause it’s analysis doesn’t mean you can logic this, I keep jumping from topic to topic because you keep reducing or analyzing it away.
You’re right. I’m sorry.
I want to know that when I miss so many people from my past it’s not just me being a tragic romantic asshole, that someone could feel that way about me too.
Emotions are transient, which means that you can matter now and won’t matter later. It doesn’t mean you never mattered. Healing is personal, and it happens because people have a support network and the self love and tools to do so. That doesn’t mean you didn’t have an impact, or didn’t help bring them some of those tools. It doesn’t mean that you don’t matter now if you won’t matter later.
Remember all those times where the only time we’d get out of bed and go to school were because we wanted to go flirt and be with people and get attention? That was all that mattered back then, and now, today, here, we have healthy descendants of those desires. We have an evolution that occurred because that stuff Mattered before.
Like potstickers and truffles. Blue shells and Italian seasoning. Stories about speed limping across campus. Things occur that become greater or just different than what was before. These things that don’t need to be put away even as we remove or heal from the first thing. You inspire growth and self reliance, and the most frustrating and fun concept from that is that when the descendants of that shit happens it has Nothing to do with you. That doesn’t mean it didn’t start happening cause you showed someone you believed in them.
#project hail mary
#lana del rey
#photography
