It is important to respect anger, and fear.
It is also important, however, to comprehend that memory is fickle. It is shit.
And even when it is right, that you are allowed to be less than your best.
Which means others are as well. And you will eventually take damage from that.
And then you have to decide what you do with it.
With the meaningless damage.
The accidental damage.
The meaningful damage.
The chronic pains and aches and the sudden bright Pain of stubbing your toe.
And then it's ok to feel it. It's ok to rage out, to Stand Tall Because You Are Bleeding. To Respect Yourself and Have Needs and Make Sure You're Not Ignored.
But then you need to own how you react. And you need to make sure within all of that that you will accept what you've done. That you are ok in small ways and large being the person who acts like that.
So it's easier to not act Too Much. It is ok to be angry, it is never ok to be cruel.
The right people around you will let you stand tall, and it's ok sometimes if people take turns stepping on each other's toes.
So long as it's not malicious, so long as it's not "Because You Fucked Up Here You Go".
You need to learn how to treat your anger, others, and yourself in such a way that you can put it down, eventually.
Or you need to be able to do what's needed with the understanding you will Respect your anger and pain later.
Put off, not forgotten.
Eventually, handled, and then forgotten.
It may feel like disrespect to forget it. Like you're going to let it happen again if you don't Hold It.
How can people respect your pain, how can you respect your own pain, if you let it fade.
How can you make sure you watch out, how can you have experiences to build off of if you let it fade.
How can you justify feeling That Bad, for That Long, if you let it fade.
The trick is,
You don't have to.
You don't have to.
That's a part of what my most impactful work has been in healing.
Learning that I don't have to brace, that I will be ok eventually. That I will bounce back regardless of if I take that damage again.
But still I hold on.
I've disconnected the Bracing, to the best of my ability. I've disconnected the Fear, to the best of my ability. I adjust, if I've reacted from fear. Learned how to reduce it and think clearly and let That lead my actions.
But still it is there. The scars, the patchwork, the history ready to spill forth when I slip so that they can Understand Why I'm Like This. So I can explain to myself or others Why I Feel So Bad. So I can at the very least gently guide myself away from bad situations, or recognize them and understand them.
My scars have been tended, and I no longer wish to.
My arm is now blank, and eventually the rest of me will follow.
And then I'll become pockmarked again.
And I will heal.
And then I'll be pockmarked again.
Over, and over again until I die. At which point exactly the same as the rest of my life:
My pain will fade.
Without reducing what it was. Without reducing how it shaped me. Without leaving me open and vulnerable to the next great scar.
I will heal, and I will forget.
izzy806
titsay
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
