#12:14pm

[the-things-i-wish-i-could-say]

I think I messed it all up again. In my attempt for a coming of age love story I may have royally fucked up my closest friendship. I’m my own worst enemy.

[closetgremlin]

Criminology textbook:

In 2011, researchers at University College London scanned the brains of dozens of children and found that those who had experienced physical violence at the hands of caregivers showed extra activity in the amygdala and the anterior insula—regions of the brain involved in threat perception and the anticipation of pain. The changes were the same, the researchers said, as those found in soldiers exposed to combat. Eamon McCrory, one of the researchers, explained that “Maltreated kids and active soldiers are adapting to survive in a threatening or dangerous environment.”

Me: that’s PTSD babiee

[yungbuckbabyface]

favorite girl - marques houston

[enioyyyyyyyyyy]

發現一個小世界，大愛❤️❤️❤️

[catkutku]

At least I have the notebook in front of me and the pen in my mouth, because now I am doing literally everything but the thing that I want to do. And now Piano Man is fucking playing

[diaries-of-a-hopeless-soul]

Entry #53: July 19th, 2019 (12:14pm)

Yesterday was very depressing for me. A couple things happened that still perpetuates how bad this world really is. For one, this woman who makes a living by streaming playthroughs of video games, also known as an "e-girl", was found decapitated. Apparently one of her followers tried to make an advance on her and asked her out and she turned him down. She's apparently asexual. Then this man apparently not only killed her, but did so in the most violent way. I don't know if he sexually assaulted her in the process but I don't think I could handle knowing that. This is why women fear for their lives whenever men try to ask them out or make some sort of advance on them, because men are violent predators.

Secondly, the Kyoto Animation studio in Japan was burned down yesterday with over seventy people inside. Thirty-three people died, most of which died in the stairwell trying to escape. The one they have in custody apparently got injured himself. He had purchased fourth liters of gasoline a half hour before the fire happened as well. Those poor people didn't deserve this. Kyoto Animation is one of the few studios who actually don't abuse their employees as well which makes this so much worse. Their animations were amazing. On top of that, the main director of their best works were also among the dead. This world sucks. There is no hope or happiness here. It's all just anger and sadness.

I'm already feeling extremely exhausted too. I've been out driving my mom and brother around every day this week and we're going out again today. I thought getting my driver's licence meant that I could help more by doing the grocery shopping on weekends for my parents, and doing the odd errand once or twice a week, and getting to go on nice Sunday drives by myself. But no, im stuck being the chauffeur for my sick mom who can't just calm down and take a break and a selfish brother who refuses to walk down the street himself to get his beer. I haven't even been able to do one of those nice leisurely drives on my own yet. I keep telling my mom I can get the stuff on my own. But she keeps guilting me into bringing her by telling me that she needs to get out of the house because of her depression. I can understand that, but she doesn't need to go out every. Single. Day. I'm so exhausted I'm about to pass out. On top of that I woke up with a bit of a headache this morning, but I can't tell her or she'll get all sad. I keep thinking, what will she do to get around when I'm gone? Who will she ask to be her monkey boy and go everywhere for her and do everything? I just can't wait to die so she can find out.

[kameachaeli]

start writing

how much time has been spent eroding away in your unmade bed because you are ruined by grief and can’t seem to catch relief

there is no structure in your days no schedule, no plans, no way to convince yourself that leaving could possibly help your grieving

you’ve shut yourself off in fear because you’re done with this year these months, weeks, days, and life you’re done with all of this goddamn strife

when was the last time you felt okay? it seems the memory has faded away each time you think you can move something decides to block you

i know you’re tired, i know you’re done i know it feels like the worst is yet to come i know that life hasn’t really been kind and i know how it feels to be trapped in your own mind

i wish i had words of positivity and hope i wish i had words that could help you cope but that’s unrealistic and we both agree that honesty is better than a fake happy

there is no optimistic end to this poem pretty couplets can’t fix what’s broken you can’t solve this with paper and a pen but i know that you’ll try to, again and again

[tricobicofriend]

It was so spring-y on my way to school (from the car)! All the birds were chirping & singing, even tho it was cold enough to see my breath i didn't need gloves to keep my hands from freezing, & i could smell lots of flowers (despite not seeing any nearby)! It was lovely!